Dreamland

Please leave me a comment or critique. I want to improve! Be honest! Be ruthless!

Appreciated.

Cheers!

Dustin (the author)

DEAMLAND, by Dustin Panian

Your pitch sets the stage for this excellent thriller and the prologue blew me away. I loved the tension-building transition from what we (both the reader and Adam) BELIEVE is going on, to the reality of Adam's circumstance. The hook at the end of the prologue makes it impossible not to continue reading. This is truly good stuff from a talented writer. I wish there were more than three chapters posted. Well done. I'm happy to back this winner.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Semi-Finalist)

Hi Dustin, this was most enjoyable. You have written a fast-paced thriller of high quality. I really loved the prologue. Good, tight writing and rapidly evolving characters.
Backed.
Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Cracking Prologue. Fast and furious and thrilling to read. A great premise that promises this will be engaging for the reader and keep them entertained all the way through.

Very happy to shelve such fine writing.
Melxx
Impeding Justice

Dear Dustin, you're not active here, but you vote still counts. Please check my message to you. Thanks, Pia

Sly80 gives some of the best advice and leaves some of the most helpful comments on Autho. I read through three chapters and mirror their opinion. This has some of the best dialogue I've seen -- It's very real. The chapters read very quickly, which says a lot for well you write. It wasn't until I'd compiled my own remarks that I saw Sly's comment. Almost to the letter, they are ed zachery the same :) So I won't bore you by saying it twice. One thing I will stress (and I know this -- quite painfully -- from my own experience): 185k is mondo long. I had to finally cut my first novel in half, making it the first two in a series of three. Is there a way for you to do something like this? Is there something that happens mid-way you could use as a sort of 'Frodo separates from the group' (ala The Fellowship of the Ring'?) I know yours isn't fantasy, but that may be a more favourable option to cutting huge swaths in your story that might kill some of the great voice inherent in your writing. This suggestion in no way means I didn't thoroughly enjoy what I've read: I love it, but know from reading and reading and reading agent and editor blogs. I think high fantasy is the the only genre in which length isn't really an issue. Well, unless your name is Stephen King. :)

Great stuff, Dustin. Best of luck with Dreamland

Gerry
Dropcloth Angels

Superb opening scene: such a normal start, a wedding, the mother full of pride and relief, the bridegroom happy and looking forward to the future, the crowd of girls in the room, 'like flowers in a tide pool eddy' ... then it all disintegrates into something utterly unfathomable, only the single voice sounding as though it might be making sense.

On to the new reality, a busy street, a pretty girl ... the tuxedo all that remains of his previous reality which is now purged from his mind. Alice is faced with the dilemma of whether to help this man who appears like a well-dressed drunk and who doesn't know his own name. Fate, it seems, makes the choice.

Jim is the level-headed kind of person that 'Adam' and Alice need. He certainly asks all the right questions, and comes up with a sensible course of action. Meanwhile 'John', as he now is, wonders what kind of man he might be. And both he and Alice are aware of an attraction and a connection between them.

Very skilful writing, Dustin, with natural dialogue, and I particularly like the little fragments of memory in 'John's' thoughts, 'A bachelor party or a wedding (a wedding...)'. The main characters so far are well-rounded, especially Alice and her grandfather. Obviously, 'John' is another matter entirely, being a blank slate. The plot, which will explore who and what 'john' might be, is a clever and gripping idea, and I'm happy to put Dreamland on my shelf.

Possible nits: I've taken you at your words and been really picky with my suggestions. Take what you will and discard the rest.

Pitch: 'strange man that [who] Allie'. 'strange' x 2.

Story: (wife, now) is a bit confusing ... maybe (his wife by then). 'Ready as I will [I'll?] ever be'. 'his sister, Amy, among them', omit last 2 words as it already said 'among'. 'cascading easily ... eyes that easily'.

'like emptiness ... like something'. Later 'like a child ... like a greased rope', avoid having similes close together, and make sure they add something of value. For example, the vapour trail of the jet plane is not made more vivid by comparing it to a chalk line. Others of yours are much stronger than this one.

'looked more ... looked closely'. 'When Alice saw the man [him]'. 'There was no blood', quite a tangled sentence. 'with the eraser of the pencil in his hand', omit last 3 words. 'was she was late'. 'nothing for a moment ... his body for a moment'. '"Will you come with us?" Alice asked', add, 'her grandfather'.

There's a slight tendency to overstress or repeat things, such as Beth thinking about the tuxedo, and Jim noticing 'Adam's' thick graceful hair and green eyes ... these things having been mentioned clearly before. Then there's the pair of them reflected in the window... Trust the reader to remember what they look like.

Avoiding the repetition and some of the less successful similes should help you cut down on the size of the novel, which is quite long.

Hi Dustin

Wow! I love the beginning of the chapter, a scene of perfect banality and normality, the description of Burt especially. When Burt says 'We're proud of you kid', not moving his eyes away from the TV epitomises the apathetic way most people live a part of their lives. To then move into an almost surrealist dream is, without doubt, shocking to say the least as normality is displaced to a tee. The way you visualise and write about Adams alternative world is much like an artist would in a painting. I can't fault what you have written. It is very well thought out and described to perfection.

Kind regards

Graham

Hi Dustin

Wow! I love the beginning of the chapter, a scene of perfect banality and normality, the description of Burt especially. When Burt says 'We're proud of you kid', not moving his eyes away from the TV epitomises the apathetic way most people live a part of their lives. To then move into an almost surrealist dream is, without doubt, shocking to say the least as normality is displaced to a tee. The way you visualise and write about Adams alternative world is much like an artist would in a painting. I can't fault what you have written. It is very well thought out and described to perfection.

Kind regards

Graham

A very well witten story faced paced that engages us from the first word. C W

It's a good thriller, backed.

DREAMLAND

DUSTIN,

This is compelling writing, and the characters and dialogue make me read on.

Backed with enthusiasm.
A Zoomer

I love the cover, simple but very quirky. The title is brilliant and I love the idea. Your writing is excellent with a brilliant pace and easy to read. The descriptions are also excellent and this is backed with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Your prologue sets the tone for your thriller well and I liked your clever use of imagery. Your story line is unique and you build Adam's character well. Your use of imagery and your descriptive writing style makes your story a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Dustin Panian:

Here are some things that I found during my read. Use ONLY as you deem appropriate.

In the sentence: Jane turned her head to cast a quick frown at Burt. (Wordy and wrong choice of word. 'Cast' means to discard, get rid of, drop., etc. It appears to be used inappropriately here)

Consider: Jane frowned at Burt. (We can assume that if she frowned at Burt she made her face visible to him. Its really no need to say 'she turned her head'.

In the sentence: He wasn't drunk yet, but wedding or none, he was on his way there. (Wordy)

Consider: He wasn't drunk yet, but well on his way. (No need to say 'wedding or none,' because you are clarifying here that his drunkenness would happen whether or not there was a wedding.

The sentence: "Lookin' shark kid." He bellowed before hacking again into his empty fist. (Poor choice of words here. Bellow means roar, shout, yell, bawl, holler etc. It doesn't appear that this is what you are trying to say here. The word 'hack' means to cut, chop, slash, lacerate, and slice. Again it does not appear that this is what you mean. Finally, the word 'fist' denotes a hand with the fingers clinched. In reading the sentence, however, you appear to be saying that he coughed into his hand.

Also: You need a coma, not period following 'kid.' 'He' should be in lower case as you are completing a thought.

Consider: "Lookin' sharp kid, he said, coughing into his hand.

Another sentence: "Jesus, Burt, get a hold of yourself," she scolded without turning around. "Why don't you just sit down for a minute?" (Wordy)

Consider: "Jesus, Burt! Get a hold of yourself. Why don't you just sit down for a moment." (No need for a question mark here because she is really issuing a command.

Go through the manuscript and look for all such occurrences. Hope this helps.

Ida L. (Silent Storm)

Abi,

Thanks. Positive comments carry weight equal to their source. I was very impressed with your work and ability and am therefore especially pleased to have you say such nice things.

I'm glad to see you on the Editor's desk. You deserve it.

Cheers!

Dustin

Honesty is easy, ruthlessness? Not so much. I found this incredibly gripping. You start of slowly, but the wedding day nerves are there in every nuance of your character's behaviour. Before long, thought, we're taken to the crux of the story, a struggle for identity and we're there all along with Adam, wanting to know the full of it.

My only helpful thing to say is you're making errors when you punctuate your dialogue. E.g. "Of course." He said casually - should be - "Of course," he said casually.

Hope this helps, and I'm off to read more, because this is superb!

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Honesty is easy, ruthlessness? Not so much. I found this incredibly gripping. You start of slowly, but the wedding day nerves are there in every nuance of your character's behaviour. Before long, thought, we're taken to the crux of the story, a struggle for identity and we're there all along with Adam, wanting to know the full of it.

My only helpful thing to say is you're making errors when you punctuate your dialogue. E.g. "Of course." He said casually - should be - "Of course," he said casually.

Hope this helps, and I'm off to read more, because this is superb!

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

This has a remarkable prologue that keeps u reading he rest. This is an exceptional thriller, well written, very original idea. Best thing I have read in ages. Backed - Clair

Kirsty,

Yes, thank you for the constructive criticism. Truly appreciated. I have not been on here much for the last week or two, but I will get to your book soon and give you some thoughts (and a backing) as well.

Cheers!

Dustin

Hi Dustin,

I think the story has great pace and your style and descriptive writing is really strong. You asked for criticism, so rather than telling you all the good stuff you know, here are a couple of points you may want to look at:

• The prologue feels more like a first chapter to me, with chapter 2 continuing on from it. (thats just my opinon though)
• Chapter 1: It seems your perspective is third person, but the chapter would be clearer if you stuck to the perspective being that of Adam or Alice; it switches back and forth between the two quite a lot.
• I think the title of your story works just fine, I wouldn’t change it.

I truly enjoyed reading your work and was certainly drawn to read on furher.
Good luck!
Kirsty
Prygon: The Circle of dark Magic

Talented writing!! You really have a knack for drawing the reader right straight into the story proper! Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Hi Dustin,

I think the story has great pace and your style and descriptive writing is really strong. You asked for criticism, so rather than telling you all the good stuff you know, here are a couple of points you may want to look at:

• The prologue feels more like a first chapter to me, with chapter 2 continuing on from it. (thats just my opinon though)
• Chapter 1: It seems your perspective is third person, but the chapter would be clearer if you stuck to the perspective being that of Adam or Alice; it switches back and forth between the two quite a lot.
• I think the title of your story works just fine, I wouldn’t change it.

I truly enjoyed reading your work and was certainly drawn to read on furher.
Good luck!
Kirsty
Prygon: The Circle of dark Magic

Hi Dustin,

I think the story has great pace and your style and descriptive writing is really strong. You asked for criticism, so rather than telling you all the good stuff you know, here are a couple of points you may want to look at:

• The prologue feels more like a first chapter to me, with chapter 2 continuing on from it. (thats just my opinon though)
• Chapter 1: It seems your perspective is third person, but the chapter would be clearer if you stuck to the perspective being that of Adam or Alice; it switches back and forth between the two quite a lot.
• I think the title of your story works just fine, I wouldn’t change it.

I truly enjoyed reading your work and was certainly drawn to read on furher.
Good luck!
Kirsty
Prygon: The Circle of dark Magic

Hi Dustin,

I think the story has great pace and your style and descriptive writing is really strong. You asked for criticism, so rather than telling you all the good stuff you know, here are a couple of points you may want to look at:

• The prologue feels more like a first chapter to me, with chapter 2 continuing on from it. (thats just my opinon though)
• Chapter 1: It seems your perspective is third person, but the chapter would be clearer if you stuck to the perspective being that of Adam or Alice; it switches back and forth between the two quite a lot.
• I think the title of your story works just fine, I wouldn’t change it.

I truly enjoyed reading your work and was certainly drawn to read on furher.
Good luck!
Kirsty
Prygon: The Circle of dark Magic

Hi Dustin,

I think the story has great pace and your style and descriptive writing is really strong. You asked for criticism, so rather than telling you all the good stuff you know, here are a couple of points you may want to look at:

• The prologue feels more like a first chapter to me, with chapter 2 continuing on from it. (thats just my opinon though)
• Chapter 1: It seems your perspective is third person, but the chapter would be clearer if you stuck to the perspective being that of Adam or Alice; it switches back and forth between the two quite a lot.
• I think the title of your story works just fine, I wouldn’t change it.

I truly enjoyed reading your work and was certainly drawn to read on furher.
Good luck!
Kirsty
Prygon: The Circle of dark Magic

Hullo Dustin. Great start, the great awaited wedding. Love the mannequin idea, I can just see them falling into pieces. then waking up in an alley dressed for something else. Very good. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

Hi Dustin,
I've just read the first paragraph and it is masterful in how it describes the character while moving the story forward. OK back to the book.

Should it be inexplicable? something that defies explanation as opposed to unexplainable, something waiting for explanation. It could just be that my grammar is dreadful, because it is.
I knew you would show what Adam looked and expertly done, in the shards of a broken mirror.
It looks like it was just me that got confused with the character swapping, as it happened in quick succession. Also what I found interesting was that the narrator had a voice too, the parts in the brackets and a couple of comments, awesome.
My opinions are from a self confessed rank amateur and I aim to write as elegantly as you one day, but I'd thought I'd offer them up anyway, feel free to ignore. :)
Thanks for a truly wonderful piece of writing.

It's pacey, exciting and intelligent...change only one thing...the title. I just don't think it does the novel justice and the word's associations with USAF bases in the States and aliens, just might put some people off.
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
Frank.
You may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book.

I backed this the other day; what attracted me was the mix of Koontz and Crichton as I love them both. And what a great read it is! Not only suspenseful, but at times funny as well. My fave lines from the prologue (I'm up to chapter three, but quit writing them down as I just wanted to continue reading): "dump truck in a liquor store parking lot," "eyes that easily opened doors and hearts," "unknown lump was benign," "scotch and soda (mostly scotch). I'm so happy you have so many chapters here, because I intend to continue reading into the night!!! Excellent job!

PS...you did want us to be honest, so I'll let you know there's a little problem at times with the punctuation of the dialogue, eg, "Help me." He said. It should be "Help me," he said. But sometimes it's correct, so maybe you tried to fix them all and missed a few?? Now I'm going back to reading and this is the longest comment I've ever written. LOL!

I liked your pitch very much. Not too crazy about the title, makes it sound whimsical and more of a children's book rather than an adult sci-fi thriller. This book reminded me a bit of the bourne Identity books and movie, without the sci-fi. How about 'Lost Identity' as the title, maybe not.
I loved the plot and your writing is brilliant - fast paced, fluid and concise. Your MC is fascinating and I wanted to know everything about him right from the pitch. Allie provides a perfect sidekick and the alluring romantic interest.
Backed earlier.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

Dustin,

Thanks for your feedback on Eternal Memory. I know I can use it to do some much needed editing.

I really like your hook and the prologue. Your writing is very detailed and you get to the action quickly. It seems like it's going to be a great thriller.

Because you asked, a few comments - while it gets to the action quickly, if you are planning on pitching this to an agent, you may need to do it even quicker. Sometimes they won't even read past the first paragraph. Perhaps a different opening sentence? I just wasn't hooked right away. I think you are trying to create a purposefully domicile scene from which to depart into the action, and such contrasts are always nice (luring people with a calm scene and then surprising them). I do that too in my book in some scenes. But I think right at the beginning, right from the first sentence, something needs to hint that all hell's about to break loose.

Hope that helps!

Alexia

Dreamland, I never read any book that wrote so perfect, flowing smoothly like running hand over the granite counter top. You will be the winner and I will keep you in my shelf until I reach the ED. You deserve my backing to climb up the chart.
Backed,
Bamboo Promise

Dear Dustin --

Your premise drew us over for a look at your book, and we're especially interested in the fact that Ally feels as if she knows "John" just as he thinks he knows her -- but she hasn't lost her memory. There's a rich story here waiting to be told, but we had some trouble getting into it.

Our suggestions: cut the prologue and go straight for the story. Let John/Adam remember the info at the beginning somewhere in the narrative, as Chapter 1 is much more interesting.

Work on showing more and telling less. There are several schools of thought on the show/tell philosophy. Our position is that sometimes it's necessary, but try to avoid telling most of the time. For example, in Chap 1, para 15, Allie thinks to herself that Adam/John must have been to a bachelor party, but you could delete that and simply give us her observations. (Also, who wears tuxedos to bachelor parties?) Later in that section, Allie has a long para of introspection during which she has the sense her whole life is about to change. We like the idea a lot, but we're wondering if you could show us more -- give us a symbol like the light changing or a bird flying by or an unexpected image in her head -- that shows us how she feels. This is hard; we know since we're having the same issues in parts of our book. But once you start thinking that way, it gets easier to strip out what you don't need and get down to the bones of your story.

One more thing: be careful of overwriting. Once again Chap 1, para 15: Allie has an interior discourse about the state of John/Adam's tuxedo that goes on for 4 sentences. What out of this does your reader really need to know? Boil it down to the necessary and you'll both streamline your pace and hang on to your reader. Our original story was over 600 pages; after countless rewrites it's about 300. We say this because we have a huge case of the overwrites that we muct constantly combat too. :)

And we say all this because you specifically asked for improvements but also because we think you've got a story that could be great. Dreamland needs an edit but not a rewrite. Because we think this story is worth the time and effort, we're backing its potential. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Your prologue is very good, backed, hope you've the time to read mine.

Dustin this is an exciting read and your depiction of the characters brilliant. I enjoyed this book so far however i have not read it all. I will put it as BACKED and then on WL to go through more. CONGRATS on your book . I would really appreciate it if you would read some of my book and comment so I may grow as a writer. Thanks

Denise
The Letter
Oh its non-fiction however this is wonderful having a site like this.

As though dropped from a black cell by the CIA with his memory erased except for some vague dreams that may have been supplied to him through some sort of brainwashing by osmosis. In a tuxedo in L.A. with some vague memory of a wedding. Who is he, what is he doing there, and who put him there? Also, why is he so handsome and so well positioned to melt the heart of Allie? This is the beginning of a fascinating thriller that begs to be read. I want to get a lot more of this read when I get a little more time. "Let her flirt with his boy; it's harmless." Is it? Backed for now.

Dustin this is a magnificent piece of writing, you asked for honesty, and honesty alone will you receive from me. I was so taken by your pitch, I genuinely wanted to buy that book on the bookshelf, if only to get caught up in the intrigue of your spell. I have backed your book with pleasure, and look forward to reading it chapter by chapter.
Well done,
Helen

I do like the change of tense between the characters, but be careful that you don't lose your reader. Not bad so far!

Hi Dustin –

I’ve backed this.

Flows well, is lucid and interesting - well done.

I’m no expert, ‘When…?’ is in fact, my first book.
I’ve picked up some writing pointers along the road. Not saying applicable to your tale – just passing on – may help? Apologies if they are patronising, not intentional.

Happy writing, and all the best with this!
Cheers,

Rob (When…? – an amusing British autobiography)

P.S. Appreciate it greatly if you could find time to feedback on ‘When…?’ And back if you feel applicable.

Generic Advice:

You need an arc (clear thread) to your story. Meander and you risk losing the reader.

Try not to use ‘seems’ and ‘just’ – beginners speak.

Editors don’t tend to like overlong narratives – mix it up with dialogue – if possible

Watch over describing. It can overpower the plot.

Some say to use adjectives and adverbs sparingly.

When describing, think of all the human senses.

Avoid exposition – don’t explain or tell the reader how to feel.

Attempt to define the genre of your book within the first page.

Grab the reader’s attention on the first page. Upbeat, positive and thrilling situations tend to hold attention more than the mundane and depressing.

Don’t try and ‘make stuff up’ - visualise, and then write what you see in your mind.

Cut out the dull stuff – be ruthless.

We’re all different – write what you know, and what you like to read.

Hope this helps – I’m sure there’s loads more, which other folk will hopefully point out along the way.

Dreamland
Dustin Panian

You know just how to keep the tension going at the level most appropriate to keeping the reader's interest. Original, fascinating - I want to read all of this one day on paper. If this isn't picked up on here, there is little hope for the rest of us. Perhaps all the agents/publishers we expect to drop by have all "dropped away, off an easy cliff, into unconsciousness." Honour to have placed this on my humble shelf.

A kind of Bourne Identity on speed! Very well written and paced. oNly thing that threw was that it didn't begin in the alley. Just ask yourself if you really, really need that prologue or could you dive straight in at chapter one?
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

I liked your prologue, which gripped me from the start. You write very descriptively, and this promises to be a really exciting read. Good luck
Jennie(Lies and Betrayal)

Hi Dustin. I Really liked the prologue and your plot has a good concept filled with intrigue. You build the beginning really well, with great description of the characters. Alice's character is really good and you feel thankful that she found him. I'm sure this thriller will b loved by its genre and wish you all the best of luck with it! mariecapri (cosmic Linx)

The opening is very, very good, hooked me in straight away.
Like how you have created the characters and feel the structure of the storyline complements them very well. This has got the real sense of a well thought out and intelligent story.

An interesting idea with loads of potential. i liked the opening sequence, I thought it had drama and impact and was a good hook for the reader.
On the crit side, the change of pov in chapter one...one second we're seeing it from his side and in the space of two paragraphs we're seeing ti all from alice's side. I suggest dropping him and going straight to her.
The only other thing is the over use of the word "that", its worth doing a search on it and checking you need it, very often you don't and the whole thing reads far smoother without...I should know, I think I cut my word count by about 500 when I took a look at mine:-))
Good luck with this.

Hi Dustin. I want to believe it all but the switch was all too obvious. I need to know more to make a proper judgement. Let me know what's going on. I'm far too simple to guess! Anyway all the best with your writing and your obvious passion.

Richard

Dreamland

The opening is very interesting. I found the account of the wedding surprising, given your pitch, but when things started going wrong in Adam’s head, his mother disintegrating, his forgetting his fiancée’s name and so on, you hook me big time. Very inventive and not at all what I was expecting.

Chapter two. I do like the fragment of a memory, the green dress, from the opening. It forms a link between the two and suggests there may be some memory locked away somewhere, or maybe it is just the last vestige of the memory going for good? You have a passage where Adam asks Alice for her help, just after he’s thrown up. her head spins, and you tell us she would look back on this moment and ask herself whether she had any choice. This rather spoils the narrative for me, as I want to get to that moment at the end. Seen as it is from Alice’s point of view from then, how can she have knowledge of what it would be like to look back later? After the book is finished. The rest is good, although the narration of internal thoughts switches around between everyone’s head and there is no consistent point of view to anchor the reader.

Great surprise about the fingerprints at the end of the third (second) chapter! Have they been burned off chemically or is there some other reason?

I read to the end of the fourth uploaded file (chapter 3). I’m backing this. And I’d be grateful if you can find the time to take a look at Bokassa’s Last Apostle in return. Thanks.

Tom,

Thank you for the constructive criticism and kind words. I'll take a look at all of the points you mentioned as I continue to re-work.

Dustin

Prologue
Paragraph 2: "had given" not "given"
Paragraph 4: "Thanks, Mom. You look nice, too," he replied. (The comma before "too" would be considered optional by some.)
Paragraph 7: "Lookin' sharp, kid," he bellowed.... (You may also consider using an exclamation point after "kid" instead of a comma, since the words were bellowed.)
Paragraph 10: comma after "hat"; no new paragraph for the quotation that follows

There are quite a few more proofreading errors in the prologue, but I'd like to focus more on the content.

Dustin,
I read the first two chapters (prologue & ch. 1), and I feel the book really begins with your second chapter. The prologue does provide useful information, but I think I could have begun with the next chapter just as easily. It certainly is more interesting and has more suspense. Not having read the whole book, I'm not sure how essential the info in the prologue is to the rest of your novel. I did feel, though, that the beginning of the prologue lacked the power of the beginning of the next chapter.

I like your prose style, and you have a good eye for detail. Some details could possibly be omitted (and possibly not). For instance, how important is it to the novel in the prologue that the dad is a lush and that the mom has an hourglass figure and cleavage, or in the next chapter that the trash bags are "black" plastic? These certainly helped focus the narrative, but the details also slowed the narrative pace.

I like having the protagonist jump into the alternative reality in a tux on his wedding day. I also like that (at least it seems at first read) the alternative reality is different only in that the protagonist has amnesia.

I read some of the third chapter, too. I like the "wizard"!

Tom Kepler
The Stone Dragon

Hi Dustin, Wow, I almost felt as I was reeling during the scene. Adam not remembering his fiance’s name was a good way to start with it. Whatever happened with the people and his sense of reality was done with shattering impact. You also kept strong tension so that it’s hard to know how he was perceived (if they were real) and whether it’s a psychological break or what? It certainly causes one to want to read on along with the synopsis description! Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

A quite terrifying prologue done with great economy. You have the ability to create characters we like and want to read about without allowing them to hold up the pace. A skillful, gripping read. backed. lynn

Prologue
Paragraph 2: "had given" not "given"
Paragraph 4: "Thanks, Mom. You look nice, too," he replied. (The comma before "too" would be considered optional by some.)
Paragraph 7: "Lookin' sharp, kid," he bellowed.... (You may also consider using an exclamation point after "kid" instead of a comma, since the words were bellowed.)
Paragraph 10: comma after "hat"; no new paragraph for the quotation that follows

There are quite a few more proofreading errors in the prologue, but I'd like to focus more on the content.

Dustin,
I read the first two chapters (prologue & ch. 1), and I feel the book really begins with your second chapter. The prologue does provide useful information, but I think I could have begun with the next chapter just as easily. It certainly is more interesting and has more suspense. Not having read the whole book, I'm not sure how essential the info in the prologue is to the rest of your novel. I did feel, though, that the beginning of the prologue lacked the power of the beginning of the next chapter.

I like your prose style, and you have a good eye for detail. Some details could possibly be omitted (and possibly not). For instance, how important is it to the novel in the prologue that the dad is a lush and that the mom has an hourglass figure and cleavage, or in the next chapter that the trash bags are "black" plastic? These certainly helped focus the narrative, but the details also slowed the narrative pace.

I like having the protagonist jump into the alternative reality in a tux on his wedding day. I also like that (at least it seems at first read) the alternative reality is different only in that the protagonist has amnesia.

I read some of the third chapter, too. I like the "wizard"!

Tom Kepler
The Stone Dragon

The pitch is really good, as is writing (though part of me would have liked not to know that, to start with chap 1.)
In the middle paragraph of the long pitch you use search three times in three lines, I'd reword at least one.
And in the second half of chap 1, you have 4 different points of view: Alice, Jim, Beth and your lost man. I'm sure it's something that readers really don't care about, but writers, editors and publishers seem to. I'd remove Beth's, she doesn't seem important enough, and maybe Jim's, then add a double space between the other pov shifts.

Please leave me a comment or critique. I want to improve! Be honest! Be ruthless!

Appreciated.

Cheers!

Dustin (the author)

Dustin,
Thanks for the comments on my work. As for yours, I am planning on reading the rest of your chapters. The prologue has gripped me! You start slow and then its like water running downhill with the building action. Good work! I am going to shelve it so I can read later! Backed.
J.Williams

Dustin,
Thanks for the comments on my work. As for yours, I am planning on reading the rest of your chapters. The prologue has gripped me! You start slow and then its like water running downhill with the building action. Good work! I am going to shelve it so I can read later! Backed.