Hopelessly Devoted

Its a pretty good pitch. Too bad Steve did not get what he wanted - a three some. MMMMMMMMMM Anyway, I am a new reader to this site and I am actually on my partner's site, Craig Ellis, "The Sun and the Saber".Pls take a look. You have a good premise to the book and writing style could be a little smoother but I think you will do well as a novelist.I will get Craig to back your book, let us know what you think of his.
Thanks.
Vi

You know when you read something, and you're so torn between empathising with the character and laughing yourself sick? That's where I am right now. Poor Steve. The wit in this is excellent, not overly intelligent or slapstick, just human and you pull us right in with that great first line. Instantly, we're curious and engaged.

The only thing I noticed is that you put the punctuation of your dialogue in inconsistent places, or leave it out all together. Fix that, and you've got something that could knock the socks off of most published works.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Brillian, not too many hads at all, and the joke end to Chapter 1 was tres brilliant! Luke

Bennett -

I enjoyed this book immensely.

However, you do have a few editing 'opportunities'.

Some of your paragraphs are way too long, which tends to slow down the read.

And, watch your use of the word 'had'.

But those are both just housekeeping.

Happy to back Hopelessly Devoted. And I would love it if you could tke a look at my book.

Best of luck here.

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

I loved the premise and the book started off at a fast pace and it was very funny I was really enjoying my read till I got to chapter 2 just after the funny ha ha. There is then a very long paragraph that is overloaded with the with the word 'had' it slows your chapter right down and makes the read a clumsy one. Its such a shame to ruin good work with such a little word. I think I am more concious of it as I did just the same and also overused the word that. If you read it out loud with and without the word I think you will find you can loose 70% of them and have a tighter piece of writing for it. Just my opinion but thats what the site is for i think? Anyway will read on as I was enjoying everything else about it Best of luck
Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

Think this is a great book!
I wonder how many people are not succeeding because of chasing elusive dreams from the past. This is a brilliantly written book, funny and well paced. Thought how you allowed the reader into Steve’s head was very good. This type of well-written read is very popular at the moment so I’m sure it will do well. – Good luck

HOPELESSLY DEVOTED: Well if this is the standard that a man produces for Chic-lit humour it is about time there were more of us doing it1 Funny as hell and the whole situation cries out to be filmed. I am not a great gramma critic so i have no nitpicks to make. I just lay back and let my eyes feast on the characters and the situations. Loved every bit of it so far...and look forward to more one day.

backed

rev raven scott (love is a colour too)

Hi Bennet,
Loved the first chapter, even the first line was excellent. Really enjoyed the first chapter. The second chapter was good but I noticed that there was a lot of information at the beginning that slowed it down a little. I love the idea of his job as you can use all sorts ot tricks to get the jokes in. I liked the main character and would like to see what happens to him but I noticed there didn't appear to be something he was aiming for, perhaps like High Fidelity. Or maybe it shows up later in the book.
Your crowning glory is your humour which is superb. I am also trying to write a comedy, I'm lacking in the writing skill department but You're right up there. I would definitely buy this book if it were available.
I will definitely read more later, mainly becuase I can't buy it.
Thanks for an excellent read. Small point at the end of Chapter Two you repeat 'put his'.

Women LOVE getting inside a guy's head, so please don't worry about not finding a female audience. I do agree with other comments about Ch.2, but your writing is fresh and funny which is way harder to pull off than some judicious editing! Backed with pleasure.
Joanna Carter

You create a good atmosphere of what it must be like to try promoting acts with poor material or unappreciative audiences.
Some men have no luck with women.
that would explain chasing a memory from the past and you describe a credible picture of a man reliving an old love.
Watchlisted for now .
Micheal O'Durcain
Murder on the Menu

Hi Bennet,

I’ve backed your work on the first chapter - funny, clear - GREAT opening para.
Ch2 tailed off a bit - for me.

I’m no expert, ‘When…?’ is in fact, my first book.
I’ve picked up some writing pointers along the road. Not saying applicable to your tale – just passing on – may help? Apologies if they are patronising, not intentional.

Happy writing, and all the best with this!
Cheers,
Rob (When…? – an amusing British autobiography)

P.S. Appreciate it greatly if you could find time to feedback on ‘When…?’ And back, if you feel applicable.


Generic Advice:

You need an arc (clear thread) to your story. Meander and you risk losing the reader.
Try not to use ‘seems’ and ‘just’ – beginners speak.
Editors don’t tend to like overlong narratives – mix it up with dialogue – if possible
Watch over describing. It can overpower the plot.
Some say to use adjectives and adverbs sparingly.
When describing, think of all the human senses.
Avoid exposition – don’t explain or tell the reader how to feel.
Attempt to define the genre of your book within the first page.
Grab the reader’s attention on the first page. Upbeat, positive and thrilling situations tend to hold attention more than the mundane and depressing.
Don’t try to ‘make stuff up’ - visualise, and then write what you see in your mind.
Cut out the dull stuff – be ruthless.
We’re all different – write what you know, and what you like to read.

Hope this helps – I’m sure there’s loads more, which other folk will hopefully point out to all of us along the way.

This is a work that's crafted of realism and the charcters within could easily anyone in today society. C W

Bennett, I was drawn to read your book because, not only is it a confusion of young people starting out and then on through the protagonist's life, but I'm always drawn to a humourous book and yours doesn't disappoint - you've kept that going (not everyone does) in the midst of a very good piece of writing.
Glad to put it on watch list.
Ann Mynard (Windshadow)

I liked your pich so I am backing your book - please have a look at mine - Thank you and Good luck !

This is a very fresh concept, so far as your plotline goes. You have a splendid, conversational tone and the most important thing: this is very funny. Your first chapter is priceless. Didn't really see that coming, very funny. You have created original characters and that in itself makes us want to keep reading. Great job.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

I think you've created a problem for yourself. Your first chapter is awesome. Who knew I could be so on-the-edge-of-my-seat wondering why he was wearing a dress (even tho I admit, I figured it out halfway thru). Then I read on and couldn't concentrate. Your paragraphs all of a sudden seem long ... and dull. I'd cut it tighter if I were you. Get us back to the "omg i can believe this is happening" point again. See? Now that we know you can do it, you've dug yourself a hole!
backed
Genevieve

After that great chapter one, chapter two comes as an immense disappointment. My eyes soaked in everyword in the first chapter, every sentence. And then I rushed to chapter two to be met with a huge traffic jam of information dump. I struggled to keep going. I looked ahead and saw lines, paragraphs, stacked up one in front of te other and I just couldn't get past. So I took the back road, an easier one. I scanned down jumping entire, whole, complete paragraphs unconvinced and unable to stay focussed.

Bring the urgency and momentum of the first chapter to the rest of your work.

oh this is a joy. i will look forward to reading his further absurd adventures. From one humourist to another, i take my hat off to you. i will enjoy reading on. For now, i wanted to send my compliments.
best wishes from
Eileen (The Noodle Trail)

Bennett,

Wow, you're charging up the charts with this one!

My main thought as I read through this is that you're doing a lot of telling and not enough showing. Please, show me what happens instead of telling me about it in the removed past tense!

This first sequence is a cute idea (he proposes a 3-way and gets burned on it), but it's lost most of its emotional impact because we're watching from a distance. In other words, if I have the choice of watching a gunfight actually happen or having someone tell me about it, I choose to see it. Ain't nothing like the real thing, baby.

Good luck with this. Seems to be very popular. Keep polishing and get the action out front with a strong active voice!

I'd love to hear your critique of my work if you have time; i'm hoping to improve.

Cheers,

Dustin (Dreamland)

You've written a good pitch, which invites the reader to find out more.

Your book lives up to expectation. The writing is excellent and cannot be faulted. It's an interesting and amusing story. Deserves backing, so it's on my shelf for reading more of later.

All the best
Al

Hi Bennett,

This reminds me of "The Graduate" because of its irreverance and surreal opening line regarding the second time the character Steve wore a dress. Hmmm, that piqued my curiousity and I kept reading. You end the first chapter with a humiliation scene. So I'll read chapter 2 to see what happens next.

Patricia

Why not take a female pseudonym if this really is a problem. This is very funny. Backed.

Hi Bennett, I must admit that I suspected Emily’s choice of friend but what really made me laugh was your writing, the lead-up and the last line. You’ve convincingly presented this talent scout and the story is so enjoyable that I wonder how he could be obsessed, being busy with such entertaining people. It looks as though you’re going to show yet another side to Steve. Good rendering of character! Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Really amusing with a cracking opening chapter. He really, really should have guessed:-))
The background is entertaing as well, the agent/client part was very well done and had me laughing at several points. The idea of Blind Date with sex was hilarious, especially the reasons why it wasn't picked up...you cynic you.

Great opening - how could I not back it after that? Tania, this Last Summer

Light entertainment at it's best, amusing comical and a very good read. I also love the cover as it is so bright and cheerful. Steve is a delightful character and his dialogue is fantastic. The hooks are good and I wish I could read this whilst on holiday.

Backed,

Lisa

I was cracking up by the end of the first chapter! Are the rest just as funny?? Backed with pleasure.
Lee Ann
Slightly Dented Halos

Bennett, This is very clever, humor at every turn. I have read all that you posted and though steve comes off as an easy going type guy with a short attention span he is actualy quite complex and more intelligent then first thought.

There are some great lines in this book. I love the interaction between Jeff and Steve and they play off each other well,but it is Steves inner dialogue which sets this apart.Paced well and a relly enjoyable read. Comedy is not always easy to capture in print, but you've done it well Backed with a smile Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

That first paragraph was a hoot. It was instantly funny, and that is a rare find. Reading the rest of chapter one, I laughed several times. By the end of the chapter, although he was not too bright, I couldn't help but like Steve! Thanks for the read and good luck!

Bennett, you need to take a tip from Steve in the first chapter: if publishers are being so naive as to suggest women won't buy this kind of material if it's written by a man, then it's time to resubmit it under a female pseudonym. You must do this because it's such a great pitch, and it's so well written, funny and immediately likable, it really deserves to get somewhere. As a man of the male gender myself (to quote Woody Allen) I'd buy this and I know lots of others who would too I'm sure; not to mention all the women who I, in my silly male mind, also believe would. This is good. Best of luck with it.

Keith Tomlinson (The Three Changes of John Everett Garrett)

Hi Bennett
Absolutely loving this. Totallly beliavable characters and very very funny. Best of luck
Alison
The Rose Tender

Dear Bennett (aka notawoman) --

We are women, and we would buy this book. It's funny, irreverent, and yet Steve is a moving character whose predicament will remind women that men are vulnerable too. Women need to know that. Nick Hornby sold About a Boy -- Hopelessly Devoted (love the title too) should be published too. This is great stuff.

Backed of course. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Dear Bennett (aka notawoman) --

We are women, and we would buy this book. It's funny, irreverent, and yet Steve is a moving character whose predicament will remind women that men are vulnerable too. Women need to know that. Nick Hornby sold About a Boy -- Hopelessly Devoted (love the title too) should be published too. This is great stuff.

Backed of course. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Hi there
This is very entertaining stuff...sharp and witty throughout...one of the few books I've encountered on the site that have been naturally amusing without being contrived...well done...going on the shelf today...
Best wishes
Stewart

Pretty cover and quite good pitch! It makes the reader want to delve into the story, exactly what your pitch should be. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Great movement. It is easy to see people like this in the real world. Lots of us are just enough off center to fit in here very well.

I am sure there is an audience for your book.

Very amusing, with a nice pace and believable characters. Taking it for a spin on my shelf,

Amy
Love Match

I really didn't want to find this so funny. No really, I didn't. The opening gag is superbly set up and they just keep flowing with a the sort of timing you would expect from a pro.
What's good though is that you can write around the gags and build character and plot. So it doesn't just feel like the readers are listening to a top stand-up who's simply written down his material. Of course, there's a bit of that going on but it never intrudes on the story and- how would I know?- I'm told that's the key.
Very, very, funny and sadly relegates my book to, at best, second funniest rom-com- written by a bloke so it probably won't get published like it would if a women had written it and WTF was the point of Nick Hornby's success then?- on here.

reluctantly BACKED:)

Steve

Ah, so we both have written tales that involve highly neurotic and flawed protagonists, and that incorporate a touch of cross-dressing in the initial pages. I like your style.

Quite enjoying the preliminary pages of HD, and have decided to back it based on such a positive initial impression. Hoping to remain entertained and intrigued as I progress through the pages.

Best,

Greg

'Colin' he should have seen that one coming. "Me too!" I creased up at that. There follows semi-disastrous business dealings, then back in time to where it all started to go wrong. Re the aftershave, 'there was no point in wasting it on her when they were already dating', way to go. Now that's one weird crush to lug around for 20 years ... almost James Bluntish ... Yes, he needs help.

A great premise for a romantic comedy, Bennett, I have to wonder what happens if and when he meets her (she could be all sorts of lame), and that's some hook. The humour goes without saying, it oozes out of every line. A bit more work will perhaps make the story even tighter (I'll message you with some suggestions) but this will look great on my shelf.

I had no idea I would receive such wonderful comments. Thank you so much to everyone who has taken time to read it and back it. As it has been turned down because of my whole 'wrong gender' status I was begining to doubt if it really was funny or in any way entertaining. You've renewed my faith in it.

Terrific story. The pitch doesn't mention this
is brimming over with hilarious and original gags..
Steve is perfectly drawn and we eagerly follow his
adventures
Shelved with a wild guffaw
mikegilli The Free

Hi Bennett,
I tell you honestly, truthfully, this is the funniest thing I've read on site, or possible ever (well, you can only laugh so much, can't you?). Brilliant opening and closing paragraphs. Exception timing. Well done.
Backed with chuckles, guffaws, titters, giggles, hoots and tears, Barry
(Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)
PS. I'm sorry about the slight exaggeration -- (there were no titters).

27 May 2010
What a mind blowing stunning comedic opening chapter! The first line is the epitome of all attention grabbing hooks - sans pareil on this site. The twists and turns, bobs and weaves of comedy and humour in the development of the initial segment are skilfully designed to catch the reader unawares. The piece de resistance is in the closing line of the chapter. I'm not letting this one go and will to read further but I'm sold on novel by this one chapter. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

The cover is excellent, really jumps out at you which is so important. I love the idea for this and especially like the opening paragraph which is hilarious. The first sentence made me frown and smile at the same time and I can see this is a brilliant book, backed with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Light-hearted and most enjoyable - a real escape from reality book which would be perfect to read whilst relaxing on holiday. Best wishes - Paula (Cuthbert: How mean is my Valley?)

Great writing. Fun stuff. Backed with pleasure,
M

- Weekend Chimney Sweep
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

From your funny opening line, the humour continues to amuse throughout the entire first chapter. This is very well written and I'm sure it will do very well both on here and out in the publishing world. I like your dialogue and narrative, which carries the amusement in the voice.

Backed!
Aimee
His Pride, Her Prejudice

This is a great start to what promises to be a hillarious romp. Your use of the first person narrative coupled with Steve's thoughts makes your finely crafted work which you have posted so far a pleasure to read. Your work is well written and well paced. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning