Bound

Hi Lisa,
You asked for good honest feedback--which is rare request around here these days--so here it goes. I think this is a brilliant idea. I felt that the use of modern language robbed the scenes. Mom, get your butt in here and such. I think you have them on a different world--a world with fairy folk--so they need to reflect a non-American or even English culture. Could you invent a word for mom--a way of calling a child to a parent--I think this will instill a richness into your story and strenghten it. Well done on your storyline--it is fresh and orginal and deserves all the good thought and writing you have to give it!
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

What an unusual idea, Lisa, almost a twist on the dragon and virgin myth. It's easy to sympathise with Tali; she has no control over anything in her life and has been kept in isolation for 18 years. Plus, she's lost her respect for the parents who betrayed her, the only other people she knows, 'they fell even farther from the pedestal'. Then she has an insight, 'He was just as much a prisoner as me'. Ack! Now we're in the realms of Beauty and the Beast, this is an old and ugly bloke. 'He'll die soon. Way before I will', LOL. Misunderstanding. The flight and the metamorphosis: that was stunning. So is her arrival, and the parade ... and we run out of story ... darn.

Unusual plot, beautiful writing and a protagonist who embodies teenage angst and hormones. I'm surprised it isn't classed as YA as well, though it's obviously also suited to adults. Very much a page turner ... backed.

Possible nits: Pitch: 'male[']s side'? Story: 'but in the sense that', you could omit 'in the sense' to avoid the repetition. to make a proper sentence, '...picture window, the curtains ruffled...' 'The pedals [petals] of the pink flowers'. 'I did it in a [last] ditch effort'. 'girls that [who] would take'. 'With inappropriately timed frustrated curiosity', hm. 'peaked [peeked] outside'. 'you're [your] king awaits'. The word 'sucked / sucking' is used several times - it stands out.

Just a bit of advice on editing your chapters on authonomy, in case you haven't already: use UPDATE to load the edited chapters. Don't use DELETE and then reload as this can cause problems. At 10,421 words, you're dangerously close to the minimum. I suggest you upload a bit more.

Lisa, I find that this is very well written. It moves along at a good pace and draws the reader into the story. Writing from Tali's perspective makes it possible to share her resentment and rebellion against her situation, which she views as a form of slavery. My guess is that we will discover that the faerie to whom she is bound is really not a monster. The fact that she cannot physically harm herself is an interesting concept and as one who believes strongly in free-will, it caught my attention.

I do have a question about your pitch. In it you say, "A treaty between the two sides, (drop the comma here) results in the giving of the first born (should be firstborn) females, on the males side . . ." What do you mean by "on the males side"? You have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. on either the father's or the mother's side of the family, but children (ie firstborn female) belong to both parents. You can't have a firstborn female on the man's side and another firstborn female on the woman's side. I find that either illogical or unclear.

Backed

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

The storyline has great promise for the intended readership. A suggestion is to use care when shifting from the first person into the third person and relating the thoughts of that third person. It's difficult to know another's thoughts. A suggestion is to soften the abrupt jump between the first paragraph and the following one. A prologue with only the paragraph beginning--"Your forefathers, many centuries ago ..." might be repeated as a wonderful prologue. Congratulations on the "about me," the conditions are great. One more thing, the "cherry pick" feature of the site (Home Page for details) helps others to preview works. Backed with pleasure. Chuck

I just read the first chapter of Bound. The writing itself is polished to perfection. I found not one typo or grammatical mistake. Also, the notion of the cords, or connection to her other "family" strikes me as a novel idea. That said, I don't read the fantasy genre, so I don't know if this topic has been explored in other books. Regardless, you handle it deftly and I enjoyed this opening even though I don't generally enjoy this genre. The first paragraph was excellent (and for a second there I thought I was meeting a conjoined twin). The last part of the chapter is also compelling with the futile suicide attempt. And in between you do a good job developing the narrator and her situation. Well done.

Lisa,

Sorry that it took me a few days to get back here and read. I really enjoyed your writing style and the descriptions you use to bring your world to life. Your premise brings me in and makes me want to read more. What a unique idea to have her actually bound to another, to have him able to control her. I read a few of the other comments and agree with someone who said that some of the speech does not fit your world. But I enjoyed the book with it and it does give your writing a good, unique, flare. I am gladly backing this although it dousn't seem that that's your goal. Please give my book a look an honest comment if you have the time.

Have a wonderful day!

- Scott Toney, The Ark of Humanity

The storyline has great promise for the intended readership. A suggestion is to use care when shifting from the first person into the third person and relating the thoughts of that third person. It's difficult to know another's thoughts. A suggestion is to soften the abrupt jump between the first paragraph and the following one. A prologue with only the paragraph beginning--"Your forefathers, many centuries ago ..." might be repeated as a wonderful prologue. Congratulations on the "about me," the conditions are great. One more thing, the "cherry pick" feature of the site (Home Page for details) helps others to preview works. Backed with pleasure. Chuck

Are you going to tag this as YA? It reads that way in the first chapter, and I think it shows the teen personality and the kind of emotions they feel in such an excellent way. You always give just enough that I'm not confused and wanting to know more. This was an excellent read, and if it was tagged as YA, I'd say it's one of the best YA fantasy novels on this site. The dialogue was great and the physical show of emotion was fantastic. And easy read without any snags. Good luck with this! Backed for sure!

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Lisa, I find that this is very well written. It moves along at a good pace and draws the reader into the story. Writing from Tali's perspective makes it possible to share her resentment and rebellion against her situation, which she views as a form of slavery. My guess is that we will discover that the faerie to whom she is bound is really not a monster. The fact that she cannot physically harm herself is an interesting concept and as one who believes strongly in free-will, it caught my attention.

I do have a question about your pitch. In it you say, "A treaty between the two sides, (drop the comma here) results in the giving of the first born (should be firstborn) females, on the males side . . ." What do you mean by "on the males side"? You have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. on either the father's or the mother's side of the family, but children (ie firstborn female) belong to both parents. You can't have a firstborn female on the man's side and another firstborn female on the woman's side. I find that either illogical or unclear.

Backed

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

Hi Lisa, The control issue here feels both contemporary and magical with Tali’s sensations of her fiancé. You’ve depicted well her sense of discomfort and how her father feels obligated to his bargain. The description brings the archaic into an immediate zone, emphasizing the parental control. The struggle compels while Tali is a character to identify with. Well-rendered! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Wow !!! Lisa, I'm backing Bound because I think it is an amazingly original story, and because from the strength of your pitch, I'd buy this book if I'd found it in a bookstore. Being bound to another and feeling like a prisoner in one's own life is a concept I find quite extraordinary.
Backed on the strength of your pitch, shelving with intentions on reading and returning with further comments.
Helen
The Last Dream

What an unusual idea, Lisa, almost a twist on the dragon and virgin myth. It's easy to sympathise with Tali; she has no control over anything in her life and has been kept in isolation for 18 years. Plus, she's lost her respect for the parents who betrayed her, the only other people she knows, 'they fell even farther from the pedestal'. Then she has an insight, 'He was just as much a prisoner as me'. Ack! Now we're in the realms of Beauty and the Beast, this is an old and ugly bloke. 'He'll die soon. Way before I will', LOL. Misunderstanding. The flight and the metamorphosis: that was stunning. So is her arrival, and the parade ... and we run out of story ... darn.

Unusual plot, beautiful writing and a protagonist who embodies teenage angst and hormones. I'm surprised it isn't classed as YA as well, though it's obviously also suited to adults. Very much a page turner ... backed.

Possible nits: Pitch: 'male[']s side'? Story: 'but in the sense that', you could omit 'in the sense' to avoid the repetition. to make a proper sentence, '...picture window, the curtains ruffled...' 'The pedals [petals] of the pink flowers'. 'I did it in a [last] ditch effort'. 'girls that [who] would take'. 'With inappropriately timed frustrated curiosity', hm. 'peaked [peeked] outside'. 'you're [your] king awaits'. The word 'sucked / sucking' is used several times - it stands out.

Just a bit of advice on editing your chapters on authonomy, in case you haven't already: use UPDATE to load the edited chapters. Don't use DELETE and then reload as this can cause problems. At 10,421 words, you're dangerously close to the minimum. I suggest you upload a bit more.

I jumped in at Ch 4, Lisa after I read your instructions. It worked for me. I really liked the pacing. This is not my genre of choice but since it moves, it kept my attention. My book is also 1st person POV. My only niggle is Milady ... just did not sound right in my ear when I read outloud. Perhaps a different type of address? BACKED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

I do loke your use of the first person narrative. It allows you to fully explore the depth of Tali's feelings, emmotions and thoughts - and you do it well. You have crafted a most imaginative storyline and your descriptive writing makes your fantasy a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

BOUND
This is an interesting story. The whole idea of being bound to someone who takes away your free will is frightening. I was surprised to learn that fairies were the bad guys here as I thought they were all as innocent as Tinker Bell so that makes a unique twist to the story. Kept me reading to see what happens. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Hi Lisa,
You asked for good honest feedback--which is rare request around here these days--so here it goes. I think this is a brilliant idea. I felt that the use of modern language robbed the scenes. Mom, get your butt in here and such. I think you have them on a different world--a world with fairy folk--so they need to reflect a non-American or even English culture. Could you invent a word for mom--a way of calling a child to a parent--I think this will instill a richness into your story and strenghten it. Well done on your storyline--it is fresh and orginal and deserves all the good thought and writing you have to give it!
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

Interesting and hope to see where this leads. Please post more.

Lisa, your premise is an interesting one and you are realising it in a skilful way. But may I make one observation about your opening in Chapter One? Many writers find it's effective to begin with a strong visual scene and you've done that with the emotional tug of war between Tali and her mother. But you've preceded that with a paragraph that is merely an explanation (an explanation that can wait until later) I'd suggest you consider finding a way to reverse the order so that the conflict comes first, and the explanation later.

I've backed your book with pleasure
Kind regards
Richard

Very powerful writing, and great character and plot development. This is a very unique plot and you deserve to have it published. This is truly tremendous, I fell through paragraph after paragraph always wanting more. I hope you continue writing throughout your life.
Great job,
Brandon
Sandcastles Don't Melt Above the Clouds

This is a wonderful premise. I've seen lots of books that do that same old take on pre-destined marriage, but this is a unique way of setting up a situation. There is so much for Tali to rebel against, so many ways for her to show her maturity/immaturity, to move on towards fuller adulthood, and you set up the stage for her character perfectly.

Other people have suggested moving the pace along a bit and speeding things up, but I don't think that's necessary. Not all books have to be full of action, and this certainly held my attention, keeping the balance right not to let my mind wander.

Brilliant work!
Abi xxx

Dear Lisa
Your premise intrigues me. I liked what little I read of BOUND - enough to back it.
If you want an in-depth review, please give me your email address since writing comments on this site slows things down tremendously.
G R

Hi Lisa, I enjoyed reading the first two chapters. I'd have liked a little more action and thought perhaps you could seep some of the other stuff in more slowly, later.
On the positive side, it's very imaginative, easy to read and generally well-written. To be honest, it's not my cup of tea, but I think it would go down well with the target audience, with or without a biscuit.
BACKED!
Best wishes, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

From the first couple of chapters I'd say this is a kind of rewroking of Beauty and the Beast, in the basic dynamic at least (although it may turn out to be nothing like it). I think you establish the conflict well, although the intial time spent giving us her inner thoughts and feelings slowed down the pace somewhat. Her behaviour, her attitude towards her parents, her attempted 'suicide' all gave a strong impression of her feelings, personally I didn't think you needed to go into her thoughts quite as much as you did. A matter of taste though.

I think it was pretty obvious the old geezer who turned up to collect her wasn't the guy she was bound to. I'm not sure if that matters or not but it was pretty obvious.

at the moment (from the little i've read) I'd say what I felt was missing was a stronger sense of her through her actions. she's sort of waiting for stuff to happen to her. She doesn't appear to have anything to do at the moment except wait. Even if you showed her in her library or doing chores or whatever it is she does on a normal day I think that would make her feel more active as a character. At the moment it feels like her life consists of nothing, nothing, jump in lake, nothing, go meet husband... Showing her doing stuff would be a better introduction to her than spending time with her thoughts, imo. And maybe showing her being controlled by him in less dramatic ways than the suicide thing would also help underline how little control she has of her own life (for example she reaches for a donut and is forced to grab an apple instead - that's just a example, I'm not saying she's fat).

Overall the idea works well, the slightly spoilt girl who doesn't want to be controlled by her family or her future husband. i think the world you have created could maybe be a little more detailed, what kind of technology or society we're in isn't that apparent. The writing read well, good flow to it. An enjoyable read. Backed.

A terrific pitch drew me to read your great book. A brilliant addition to the fantasy genre on the site.
Vivid imagery makes this a must read.

Happily shelved.
Melxxx
Impeding Justice

Great fantasy novel! I love the way this starts out and it definitely got me involved. I think you've got a wonderful imagination, it shows in your work. This is something I probably would have picked up at the bookstore, I'm learning to really love fantasy and yours is very interesting!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Dear Lisa, I love your fantasy - may they all live happily ever after. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)