Book Jacket

 

rank 5463
word count 14167
date submitted 27.05.2010
date updated 09.09.2010
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Popular Culture
classification: moderate
incomplete

David Ray's 20th

Jeff Bennington

Twenty years after surviving a school shooting, Tanner Khan and his fellow classmates reunite and discover that the shooter is still alive – or is he?

 

After surviving a school shooting, Tanner Khan and his fellow classmates reunite and discover that the shooter is still alive. Twenty years later, Tanner and a handful of the survivors plan their twentieth reunion at the defunct school, which has had a rash of paranormal activity. Although his friends suffer from emotional numbness, panic attacks and flashbacks, they reluctantly agree to reunite.
In Tanner’s desperate search for closure, the fierce adventurist steers his classmates back into the corridors of the abandoned school where David Ray’s spirit allegedly lurks within. Worse yet, the survivors are unaware that the local authorities are investigating an unexplained murder, and David Ray’s ghost is the prime suspect, but what they don't know won't hurt them - or will it?

 
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Hypo99 wrote 672 days ago

I loved this book. It has intelligence and style.

BACKED INDEED

Hope you get the chance to peek inside The Russian Hat.

warm wishes
Brendan

carlashmore wrote 710 days ago

This is such an original piece of work that I was utterly mesmerised. Creeped out, yes, but mesmerised nevertheless. The dialogue is so sharp and real, yet there is an otherworldly quality to the whole piece that I can't quite define. I am delighted to back such a unique, distinctive and original piece of writing.
carl
The Time hunters

Lady Midnight wrote 710 days ago

The opening chapter is well written, setting up a sense of foreboding and outlining David's sense of isolation and mental instability: Smiles were a rare commodity in their household. There are also some wonderful descriptions: He observed the sun stretch its arms over the rocky hilltops to wake the ponderosa pines... ...cracking voices and the sweet sound of innocence. He dropped his chin and charged towards the employee entrance. ...while the system rushed them into adulthood.

Nitpicks.
There is a tendency towards repetition, which slows the narrative down and mars the flow.
...peeked through the glass. (Peering through the glass) he thought about his plan... The second sentence doesn't really need the bracketed words, since you've already established that he's looking out of the window.

...home-cooked meals and (cookouts). The bracketed word is too similar to the word 'cooked.'

(Tanner) pressed his face to the glass... (Tanner's) friend Kenny climbed on and waved at (Tanner). Perhaps use 'he' or 'him' occasionally in place of his name.

As he rushed into the school, he thought about (David). The day before (David) had acted very strangely... He had watched (David) walk from class to class... When he approached (David)... As above, look for an alternative to using David's name over and over in close proximity. As I said before 'he' or 'him' and since this is from the teacher's pov, perhaps even 'the boy'.

These nitpicks are very minor and easily rectified. Once they are this will be a wonderful piece of writing. It's already very atmospheric and the sense of impending disaster beautifully outlined. I wish you the very best of luck. Backed.

Linda Lou wrote 716 days ago

hullo Jeff. good story always wondered what a fikker like this could be thinking. I can see how with certain events how something like this could happen. very good. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

lizjrnm wrote 719 days ago

I love this and I'd buy it. For what it's worth; you've got talent. If there was a spot for writers on America's Got Talent- you'd be the guy. But seriously, the premise is excellent and the storyline is very realistic. You have a smooth writing style that compels and propels the reader to keep going. Thanks for the entertaiment while I sneak this read at work...Kindle is a beautiful thing- fits perfectly in a bifold. Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

speaksthetruth wrote 719 days ago

Mucho promising

Robert Sherwood wrote 720 days ago

Great student mystery story. I feel as if this story is true, or could really happen. Very well written and I enjoyed what I read. I am backing this book with pleasure. Please take a look at my book and let me know what you think about it. Thanks and good luck.

Gauis wrote 720 days ago

David Rays 20th - Ive read 2 paras- so I'm justyt commenting on craft -
CUT literally.
Cut all italics, not needed - give the readerv some credit
cut: like a real killer
gritted his teeth
sharp blades dont dangle, they 'cut down'
'felt his insides..' this feels fake and goes to the root of writing - be your cgharacter - think of someone you hate - feel it till it makes you dizzy. then describe it, then cut and cut the description down to its essence and at the end of it all you have a few words - but by god they'll be good

Hope this helps and that yo´'ll retutn the favour
thnx
simon

klouholmes wrote 721 days ago

Hi Jeff, You’ve woven this horrific event well with the main characters at the beginning. David’s portrayal is believable; the details seem to fit along with his reasons and craving for power. The sense of Tanner and the teacher come in like relief, the premonitions and the worry over David also believable and disturbing. It’s well crafted, the interiors furthering the day’s story, and the suspense pending. Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

DP Walker wrote 721 days ago

Hi Jeff
I loved this - you built up the tension really well and I could feel my heart pounding as I neared the shooting. Schools shootings are done quite often but the idea of the reunion and the spirit of the killer is a new twist. The way you introduced the characters at the start was well done and particularly the way you enticed us into David's mind. A really professional job. Great work.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Cherry G. wrote 721 days ago

I liked the way you slowly introduced the students, letting the reader get to know Tanner, Kenny , Bryan and Lana. Then the twins, Nick and Randy and the star of the class, Maria and her adoring boyfriend. Yet all the time you switch to David, dressed to kill and caressing his guns.
THe tension is increased by Tanner's feeling of uneasinress. Something is wrong today, he thinks.
You show us David and although his mind is set on destruction and hatred, you reveal his hard life and his inability to cope . He is in despair and feels worthless. Abused by his step fathers and neglected by his abused and drunken mother, his feelings of helplessness are reinforced by bullying from the likes of Nick. What might have been just embarrasing and upsetting for another student, becomes devasting to David. He has reached the point of utter failure and hopelessness. He has nothing to lose. He will get rid of those who've humiliated him. He will leave a better world because they dont deserve to live; then he will kill himself and end his misery. Following his pattern of thought , it seems almost rational as he straps the guns onto his body. The guns make his thin and weak body feel strong and the reader feels the change in him. Power seems to surge through him. For once in his life, he feels in control. That is all he wants really: to be in control.
His POV is well expressed. His anger, changing to hatred, as he thinks of the other students and what he thinks are their ideal lives. He thinks about the ones he especially hates. Nick is one of them and so are the cheerleading girls...we already know who they are, so this feels us with dread. He thinks of those who've hurt him and plays the angry music screaming for revenge: this puts hinm in the right frame of mind for what he plans to do.
THe killing of the step dad is told without emotion, as David experienced it.. He hits his mother to knock her out so she doesn't warn the police...there is some remainder of good in him still.. Then he methodically drives to the school with military precision, everything being timed and scheduled, and passes through the town he hates for rejecting him.
THe tension is mounting now. The mother taking her son out of school is disturbed by David's appearance...so we know he looks a threat and is going to carry out his mission..THe stuents we know are assembled in the school canteen. Nick spits chewing gum in Tanner's hair and I assume Tanner leaves the canteen to wash it out (so did he survive? What about his friend Kenny?)
We follow Bryan as he chats to Kate and ironically, they talk of the future. We know they may have no future. Bryan is thinking maybe she will ditch the bully Nick and go out with him. He thinks he has plenty of time. Except their time is running out and you emphasise this with contant references to the time and the clock..
It is scary the way you show David has arrived. outside the canteen Just a casual glance by Bryan and he sees David behind the glass with guns. Then David is there shooting and the students start screaming. The teacher is hit, but we don't know what happens to him. Later we know David shot himself. and read his message of despair.
You suddenly take us ahead twenty years and show how Maria and Byran, Kater and Lana have fared in the time inbetween. So they survived but they suffer flash backs and all are still controlled by the shooting.. We learn Nick also survived, but his kinder twin was shot instead of him. Now they are planning a reunion. It willl be interesting to see which of the other classmates survived. You have provided the hook and the reader wants to find out more. I want to see if the caring teacher and Tanner and Kenny are still alive and what impact the shooting had on their lives. You also provide us with a mystery. What had the boys at the school seen that scared them so much?
Polished writing, could find no typos etc. Style fast moving but also concerned with character. You've treated the young David as a confused boy needing help, not as a monster, so well done for this. You helped me feel sympathy for someone carrying out an action that repulses me, so that is powerful writing indeed.
I am backing this
Cherry G.
The Girl From Ithaca

Francesco wrote 721 days ago

Thrilling and a real page turner!
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book

missyfleming_22 wrote 722 days ago

Great premise and very well written. You take something we've all heard about and put us into the middle of people's lives who have survived the shooting. It's not the kind of thing that ends when it's over, the effects last longer than us in the public knows. You've shown us that brilliantly. I enjoyed all of this and will be watching to see if you upload more. I'm invested in how this plays out!

Missy

Su Dan wrote 722 days ago

this is written very well. there nothing wrong, that i can see. it is a very readable book...i hope it does well. on wl...
read SEASONS...

Gauis wrote 723 days ago

Gripping pitch will be reading more! Backed

hot lips wrote 723 days ago

This is a well constructed, excellently written thriller. I'm very happy to back it.
BADD

A Knight wrote 723 days ago

This is clever, and school shooting always seem to be going on in the news. You make sure to engage the reader through perspective, and I greatly enjoyed sampling this piece.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Burgio wrote 724 days ago

DAVID RAY’S 20TH
This is a clever plot for a story. And because it’s about a school shooting, a timely one. I like the way you begin this with the shooting; by the time you get to the reunion, it makes your reader as familiar with the past event as are your characters. I think a lot of people are wondering what happens to students after a school shooting; how much it affects their lives. Means you’ll have a large audience for this. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

lynn clayton wrote 724 days ago

A new and atmospheric thriller. The strange thing is, in your hands the idea of a ghost committing murder is not far-fetched at all. Brilliant writing. Backed. Lynn

SusieGulick wrote 724 days ago

Dear Jeff, I love that you leave us hanging in mid-air, to write our own ending - or to wait for you to write your ending. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your pitch, which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

Bocri wrote 724 days ago

30 May 2010
David Bray's 20th is expertly written prose with shades rather than colours. The use of musical metaphors in one of the passages to describe David's mental condition and attitude was nothing short of brilliant. The tension torque is competently cranked up in optimum measure in the three chapters displayed. I found the impartiality of the writing to be impressive - although young David is about embark on some serious carnage I found myself strangely sympathetic especially after the headgear bullying incident. Yes, I know - soft-hearted woolly-minded Liberal that I am. Seriously, totally engrossing and enthusiastically BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

Darkwinglord wrote 724 days ago

Well... you certainly have all the elements here, Jeff. This is very well written with a solid story line and characters that interact with just the right amount of tension for a thriller. I like the way you have allowed the back story to grow by presenting David's past. You have placed them in just the right places. Good work.

I didn't find any flaws in this and I thought it was an excellent read. My only question here would be... now that David has gone how does the plot proceed from here? Lol! Spoiler?

Backed for me, and with pleasure.

Andrew
Dark Disciple

Owen Quinn wrote 724 days ago

Very very interesting premise. I don't think I've ever seen this used before as most people would think it too sensitive to touch but really good job. Do you the first thing it made me think of? Freddy Kruger, that type of villain and this is actually a great metaphor into how trauma never leaves us and can be triggered by the smallest thing, making it as powerful twenty years on as it was when it happned. Love it.

Andrew Burans wrote 725 days ago

What you have posted so far is well written, well paced and I liked your clever use of foreshadowing at the beginning. Your use of imagery is excellent and the character development is solid. Your finely crafted thriller is a most enjoyable read. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

yasmin esack wrote 725 days ago

Great thriler. Love the opening -dressed to kill literally. Very well written and this is one that people will buy.

Fantastic read.

backed

Hypo99 wrote 725 days ago

Hi Jeff. I don't usually read thrillers but I stumbled upon this from the pitch. I have only read a little but I have to say, I loved it. I will of course, be reading more. Lot's more. I love the way you write. I want to back this excellent work.

BACKED.

Hope you get the chanc to take a little peek inside The Russian Hat

Sincerly
Brendan Doherty
The Russian Hat

Raymond Nickford wrote 725 days ago

I liked the extra chill that we get from the the fact that the killer was never discovered, while empty corridors of the school where the murder took place, together with the'ghost' of David Ray - whether literally a ghost or not - give your storyline an eerieness as well as the edginess of the thriller.
We can feel David's motivation for getting even with school bullies and reacting against indifferent parents and this, allied to the wonderfully chilling last sentence of scene 1, 'A Sliver of sunlight struck his eyes... he preferred the darkness' heralds the mayhem he will eventually unleash.
When we learn that Dave's English teacher had noticed his strange behaviour and abortively tried to 'reach out to him' we begin to see the build of this dysfunctional character and the tension mounts as to what he may do [more 'how' he will do it], granted that we know from the synopsis that he is suspected of murder.
Strangely, as we see the intensity of merciless bullying at the end of Chapter 1 our feelings about David are mixed and there is a vicarious excitement that the prey will eventually become predator.

Backed
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

eloraine wrote 726 days ago

Hooked, good luck with this. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

R.A. Battles wrote 726 days ago

I like what I've read so far and am happy to back you.

Rodney

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