Book Jacket

 

rank 559
word count 20788
date submitted 27.05.2010
date updated 13.09.2011
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction
classification: adult
incomplete

Denial

Simon Van der Velde

Charlie didn't mean to hurt her, but now his wife is dead, and he must do what is necessary to protect his children.

 

Charlie Marconi is an affable, educated, underachiever, a loving father, whose sense of self is based on the cast-iron certainty that he is a good man. Is it Charlie’s fault that he was once an abused child, that there is a poisonous rage bubbling beneath his gentle exterior, that, in a moment of misdirected anger, he murders his wife and dumps her body in the sea?

Charlie deals with the resultant guilt and fear the way he dealt with the pain of childhood, through a conscious act of denial. No one must ever know, because if no one knows, then it never happened.

But someone does know. Charlie’s daughter, Penny, sees something on the beach, but it is dark and she’s not quite sure. Penny too takes refuge in denial, but inadvertently drops hints to her dad.

Five months later the pressure is cranking up. Charlie is in conflict with his boss, the issue of what Penny knows remains unresolved, and he has a violent fight with his elder daughter, Eliza. This is when the police come to call.

Charlie’s great wall of self-deception is about to come tumbling down, leading us, finally, to the soul of Charlie Marconi.

 
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ache, ball, beach, brilliant, cheek, child, cloud, coast, cold, competition, coward, dark, daughter, death, drama, dream, dull, edge, england, evil, f...

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336 comments

 

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Wanttobeawriter wrote 87 days ago

DENIAL
Wow. This is a story with a dramatic beginning. A reader has to feel sorry for Charlie because Tasha is obviously hard to live with. Makes him an interesting main character; half of him is likable and appealing; the other half is a monster. I like the way you blend dialogue and Charlie’s internal thoughts. Made me feel I was really inside him and thinking the way he was. Good beginning for a story. Highly rated and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Laura Bailey wrote 270 days ago

Hi Simon, I really enjoyed this, as much, perhaps more, than your other. You write very well.

Tiny point, near the beginning, you're missing a close speech after "pathetic".

Best wishes,

Laura
Beneath The Blossom Tree

Freddie Mclelland wrote 291 days ago

Triffid beginning.
(I mean terrific.) Very, very good. Clean and without residue.
My question is, how did he put up with her for so long? The harridan. Even with striking looks.
I think I would've done away with the poetic streams first. Murder, its lyricism would be in retrospect, surely? (although I have to be careful with you.) The temptation is to imagine, from here, how we would view the slow motion nature of killing someone, because it would be quick. Alive, then dead. The end result would more than likely be denial.
You pop a few cliches in there, too. The quarrelling is a bit predictable, about him being in the pub. I was waiting for 'I've given you the best years of my life'.
Once again, you offer layers, palimpsest (is that okay?) of his experience/memory, and I get confused. Penny, mother, Natasha.
I see Charlie as soft, a jack-of-all-trades and master of none. He could have done so many things but, through spreading himself so thin, deferring to the needs of others, he has achieved little. And he drinks to keep regret at bay. His only decent act of completion is to kill his tormentor.
I would want some brutal clarity in this act, but the event is obfuscated and almost forgotten in the gentle lapping of the sea. Possible to witness such things in the height of passion, but I feel the ambience is rather like an orchestra here. (pathetic fallacy).
But perhaps this is not about murder, but of liberation. Nonetheless, I'm interest because he has done the deed, and am concerned about how the pattern of his life will develop now. For instance, if he's not a psychopath, how will he justify this deed to himself? Like that Scottish king, will he go mad. Be haunted by the ghost of his tormentor. Or, like writing a book, (not in his case), once you've done one....becomes easier?
A lot to work on.
Similar to the B E, this deals with the hidden, yet earthy nature of conflict. Action, like Charlie, (I think you want us to like him) can be rather drown in metaphor.
Will leave you alone now.

Good luck

Alison Boulton wrote 300 days ago

I can see why you got the distinction. Gripping.
alison - tom's Daughters

Jesse Powell wrote 302 days ago

I like the feel of authenticity in the dialog of this.

S L Stockford wrote 312 days ago

Simon

This is an exciting tale told with the impact of first person present from within the minds of a father and his daughter. Both are metaphorically moving into the dark away from safety and warmth. Each has the same mirrored fears and faces a traumatic event.

The backstory is drawn from the telling of the story making this a smooth and, for much of the time,a very easy read. The reader is drawn along by you skill as both scribe and storyteller.

Very sharp, original descriptions, eg, “long and flat as a shark’s fin.”

I read to chapter six because of the intriguing situation but then felt it was running out of steam. If this is to be a thriller it needs another event by now. You have alluded to his feeling of being watched, “ ... crawling on my scalp” but I feel I need just another hook by now.

I found myself scanning some paragraphs which leaves me wondering if there is too much writing. For example the row between he and his wife in the first chapter feels like it is circling in ideas. You brilliantly set up how they both feel in just a few paragraphs yet it keeps going on like a soap opera. Have others felt your storytelling was a little long at times?

So the question I have to ask is does your superb writing style balance out the lengthy sections of inaction. And I am not sure it does. I am confident that if you set about this with a sharp pair of scissors and a determined bent you could tighten this up and make it a story fit for the top 5. We must kill our babies. I am about to suffer that pain with my next rewrite of Fresco.

In summary I am surprised to see an excellent piece of writing such as this dropping in the charts so perhaps my stars will help support it and encourage others to read it. You can certainly write and I will read more as the setup is enticing.

S L Stockford Fresco

La Marmonie wrote 344 days ago

I'm sure I've commented on this before.....but I'm glad I read it again. This is very powerful, punchy stuff, and if it continues like this, this will get far. The dialogue is very realistic, and there is no problem in realising who are the characters are. Your choice of words are dramatic, and extremely well chosen. Your use of metaphors are delicious, even though they represent darkness at times. The paragraph of of death ....for instance is brilliant ..."the scream of a dying star ...." fantastic!

You end Chapter One with a really good hook, which will definitely propel the reader forward. I will read some more, but will see what I can do now in supporting this book on my shelf.

Best of Luck
Marilyn x

Always bright wrote 353 days ago

I've really enjoyed reading the first few chapters. I can sympathize with the character. I have backed book.
Always J

C.E.Wildgoose wrote 396 days ago

Ah this book is fab :-) Such attention to detail really brings it to life! I feel warped for supporting Charlie and his evil act, but everytime I return to read another chapter I still have a little voice rejoicing in my head that sings 'ding dong the bitch is gone!' I don't know much about children but I thought 8year olds still called their parents mummy and daddy? That's really the only thing that has caught my eye as not quite right when I read this, and I suspect it's me that's not right coz I know nothing about children :-)
Smashing read, would recommend to any and everyone!
Goosey

Red2u wrote 408 days ago

Excellent! I feel Charlie, his pain then he release 'wow'. I have rated well and WL for further reading. Thanks for backing mine and bringing my attention to this book!

Shieldmaiden wrote 409 days ago

You set the elements of this story well. I was thinking that perhaps Penny's piece should be put third, but I'm not sure. She has a messed up family, doesn't she? At least a loving dad. Horrid mom and a witch for a sis. I'm the oldest of several siblings, and the thought of treating such a little one that way really ticks me off--wanted to beat Liza myself. But...it's all a story so I can calm down. You do write well, that's for certain. The way you write and describe the narrative just fits. Well done. :)

--Shieldmaiden

B A Morton wrote 421 days ago

Simon,
Well, I have to say this is a page turner. I read to the end of what's posted with an absolute fascination for this compelling tale. Charlie's current thoughts, memory's and actions combine and interact seemlessly. His utter remorse and yet elation at his actions, are so brilliantly revealed, with each ragged draw of breath, his frozen hands struggling with her body. The reluctance he shows in releasing her to the sea, alongside his need to be rid, to be free. Penny's narration mirrors his own with her childlike understanding of the same fears and insecurities. Her need to be fair and to do the right thing resulting in Courtney's mishap. This is exceptionally well written Simon, and you leave us with a real need to understand Charlie, and to discover the lengths that he will go to, to protect his children from the truth.
I know all of the places where your story is set, from the windswept beach at Embleton, to the Ouseburn winding it's way through Jesmond Dene and beyond, and that provided additional atmosphere. The biting cold of the North Sea, perfectly portrayed. A great piece of work Simon. I wish you well with it.
Babs

HemArvind wrote 423 days ago

Hello Simon!

Managed to get round to reading this and all I can say is, 'wow! I'm glad I read this'. I was instantly facinated by your blurb. There is a sense of conflct on your character - he wants to gain some sort of self esteem throuhg being a good man, but his troubled upbringing is the obstacle in all of this.

After reading the few chapters, I found this to be brilliantly written - the narrative voice is strong and charismatic and you show emotions in vivid detail.

The characters are brought alive through believable dialogue and some wonderful showing and telling. You nicely show Tasha's insecurities regarding where she stands on the social ladder and what othrs will make of her supposed low standing. I can clearly imagine her being a real person.

A minor bit of crit in the 1st chapter - there's a bit after the sentence 'I want to do something physical, hurl it into the sea, let it sink in my stomach', where I wasn't sure who was talking until the second reading. I know it seems a little pointless to put 'he said', 'she said', when two people are talking. But I think you can do with saying who said what.

I thought the second chapter was just as striking as the first, and this was down to the porn scene, which i found quite disturbing but also deliciously edgy. I think you showed Liza's rage and embarrassment really well and it brilliantly shows her age (as most teens get a kick from watching blue films).

I quite liked Penny's narrative voice, although initially I thought it may be too articulate and mature for an 8 year old. But I don't think I'm qualified to comment too much on this, as I too am a learner. Looking back, I think her narrative voice works well with her father's narrative and it make even show the reader that she's very intelligent for her age. I like the nice little touches like 'shiny with rain', 'tummy', 'fluffy' and 'cos', which gives us the impression that it is written by a child.

Overall this was a very enjoyable read with a nice gloomy mood and striking scenes and characters. Going to book shelf this now.

All the best,

Hemisha

briantodd wrote 424 days ago

Great title 'the Soul of Charlie Marconi' because this first person, present tense narration of Charlie's lets the reader see directly into that soul of his. Its a skilfully written piece. The psyche of Charlie, his character and the plot of the book resulting directly from the interplay of character and action is cleverly done. Introducing Penny as a second narrator gives us another welcome POV although I wondered if her insights/analysis were a little too mature for an 8 year old, although her language, like the language use throughout this tale is pitch perfect. The only false note for me was the ease with which Natasha was killed. An impulsive swinging of a hand, even with a stone doesn't kill anyone although if she landed on a hard surface it theoretically could. At this point I wondered in fact if Charlie was an unreliable narrator but there is no other indication of this as far as I can see. Would like to see how the plot develops further in this.

Naomi Dathan wrote 425 days ago

Your pitch is riveting – definitely draws me to the book. The first sentence of the long pitch is a problem, because you use a noun (underachiever) in a string of adjectives. Maybe change it to underachieving?

Your book is awesome – I’ll back it in my next rotation.

"Stolen Childhood" wrote 428 days ago

Simon
I have read the chapters you referred to 2, 4 and 6. But I had to go and read the first one as well. This is an easy read and truly a page turning as it is very compelling to read. I am not a great reader of dialog, but I do think you have written that in a way that it is also easy to follow. A bit scary with the murder, I am a bit of a wimp for those sort of thing. But over all well written.
Laila

curiousturtle wrote 429 days ago

Simon,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The jewel of the narrative however is the psychological map of your central character.

Specifically the ebbs and flows of your central character, the way you knit together his internal life with the events taking place, so that the former amplifies the later.

How you project his wishes into fantasies that take place

.....in situ

"I listen to the gush of water....."

I also love the poetic stretch, you leave aside the easy metaphor, instead you stretch it out until is something that verges of magical realism;

"like great wholly mammoths"

all of it creating a narrative that surges in it's virtuosity

Finally, the back and forth in narratives between chapters works surprisingly well for, you are breaking the suspense and yet because the reader assumes that ch 1 is a prologue, he doesn't notice it for, when he arrives at ch 3 and realizes that you are picking up the scene....

.....he (I) goes......mhhhhh....now that is a surprise

Some of my favorites:

"the sharp smell of kelp"

"and she sucks it away"

"streaked with bloody purple"

"hovers at the periphery"

"the scream as a dying star"

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I like the shot gun start. I would have liked though, a bit more of a sense of place at the start. You are introducing a world the reader has never see, so take your time ....

...to paint

I also would prefer if you use italics to highlight the mind's eye rather than keep repeating the "he thought"
like you do in ch 2

"Please Liza...."

"ugly words" "sharp(1) and simple(2) truth" "her warm dead lips"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he use body language to describe...the reader feels

Overall, wonderful

david

Fred Le Grand wrote 435 days ago

A terrific read, beautifully written and a stunning story.
Tight as a crab's arse.
The balance between descriptive and narrative prose is just right.
A really professional piece this.
Backed with no hesitation at all.

bookjacket wrote 451 days ago

Interesting use of punctuation in dialogue. I can see the tension off of the main character and Natasha. Good! Starred high.

-Judith B. Shields

Kari2010 wrote 452 days ago

Hi Simon,
Captivating read. There's not much I can offer by way of comment that's not already mentioned below but I must say that your voice is strong. Your chapters are paced well and It was refreshing to read more than one view point.
Your descriptions are also vivid.
Well done and I wish you all the best with your writing!

janderson003 wrote 454 days ago

Hi Simon,

Thanks for your support. I've added your book to my booksshelf. Good Luck with your writing.

Gideon McLane wrote 455 days ago

"The Soul of Charlie Marconi" - Simon Van der Velde. I read the 1st two chapters and scanned some of the comments. You write very chillingly of murder and its consequences. Some thoughts: I agree with another comment that 1st person is really hard to keep up; you have a lot of run on sentences - (Ex: I know this is where the dogs poo. I could be sitting in some right now, but Alice is gone and the men are coming.) - might be more effective. Hope this helps.

Gideon ("Thrill Writer's Remorse")

Bandof1 wrote 464 days ago

Hello Simon,
I am so grateful for your support. I look forward to reading your book soon and responding in kind. In your description you wrote what you thing instead of think. You might want to change that, minor I know. It just struck me that I didn't see any current comment regarding "Just Out of Sight". I would really like to know what if anything, might have struck a chord in you. I have only posted the first few chapters, but even those have several things to consider and hopefully connect with. I'm always interested in the feed back. I want to deliver a possitive and a well constructed book.
Again thank you for placing "Just Out of Sight" on your bookshelf.
Craig (Bandof1)

St. John wrote 466 days ago

Simon, I read all of what you have uploaded, couldn't stop. You had me from the first paragraph. The relationship between husband and wife is so well portrayed in the first chapter. The dialogue is real and in your face ... a woman who thinks she's been betrayed by the man she loves and thought would bring her a new life, prestige. Her own life subjugated for his ... her sacrifice for naught. One sympathises with her ... and then the heightened passioned and the dreaded deed ... done before the blink of an eye.

I like the way you swap chapters with Charlie to his daughter Penny ... leading us into the mind of a child ... no spoilers here but just to say this is a winning hook to keep the reader reading on.

I thought the scene in the car with the two girls was masterfully done ... very believable.

And C10 ... a frustrating and very mean way to end such a gripping story for the hooked authonomite ... meaning ME.

Can't fault the writing, there are a few typos but these will surface in your hard edit. A very thought provoking read ... is this something we could all be capable of when pushed?

Favourite line thus far: 'I'd come as close as a man since Oedipus to marrying his mother.' Priceless.

All the best with this, mate.

Mick

Phyllis Burton wrote 467 days ago

Hello Simon, This is splendid writing, exciting, real and frightening. I have no hesitation in backing this for you. If it was in a bookshop, I would buy it, it is that good. Highly starred. Thank you for backing PAPER DREAMS.
Phyllis
PAPER DREAMS & A PASSING STORM

Dirk Hudson wrote 467 days ago

‘Because I hate her, and I love her, and I’m sorry, and I don’t know who I am anymore.’ Beautifully constructed line! Love your work. Dirk.

mrsdfwt wrote 468 days ago

A thrilling page turner. The characters are so real, you feel you're witnessing the story unfold right before your eyes. I felt Charlie's frustration but most of all, little Penny captivating me. She has a wonderful child's voice, and i had no problem envisioning her on that beach, watching her father carry her Mum away. One of the best stories i have read on Authonomy and well deserving of ******.
Backed with pleasure.
maria
"Dark of the Moon"

RonParker wrote 480 days ago

Hi Simon,

This is an interesting story, but why present tense? Writing in first person is difficult enough and combining it with present tense just makes it even harder and difficult to sustain. I admit I've only had tme to read the first two chapters so I don't know whether you do manage to sustain it or not.

The writing itself, though is excellent. I did find a reduntant 'a' in chapter two, but that was the only error I spotted in the sample I read.

Ron

Raven Jake wrote 496 days ago

Critique of the first chapter:

I enjoyed quite a few of the descriptions in your opening. I liked the flow, and the eventual conflict.

The story could be strengthened by a tightening of the conflict. The opening has solid descriptions, but once you arrive at the point, it seems like it should occur sooner. The character’s reactions to murdering Tasha don’t work for me. I really like the idea of the scene. The murder is a powerful moment that seems interrupted by the character’s thoughts and feelings in an almost adolescent manner. The actions don’t get any breathing room to speak for themselves, and the power of that scene should be in the physical actions. Let the reader determine all the implications. The internalizations can wait until the shock of the act has worn off. The scene is good how it is, but I think it can be great with a refocusing. The overstating of the character’s feelings is nowhere near as powerful is a visceral, cold description would be. The reader will then be wondering about all the things the character is feeling. That speculation is more effective than an explicit stating.

That said, I enjoyed this. Here are some notes I took:

(‘Good old Charlie Marconi, always first at the bar with a twenty in his hand while his kids go dressed like tramps.’)
This dialog feels like exposition for the reader’s sake.

(I’m telling her, because that’s what this is all about; Tasha eating away at herself, worrying what they think of her, the MacKenzies and the Daltons with their shiny cars and Spanish villas.)
This is double edged. While it works to convey a story element to the reader, it poises the first person to be somewhat dim. ‘The money. All that stuff…’ is not a compelling argument for a person to make, rather it feels as though the character is delivering this line in order to obscure the exposition. In a sense, the character is caring more about the reader than the other character. ‘I’m telling her because…’ is a conveyance. If this is not epistolary, any direct addressing of the reader is out of place.

(I can see her now, hunched on that bar stool,)
Unnecessary perspective. ‘She is hunched at the bar stool…’ it will be understood that anything described was seen by the first person.

(The irony of it is that they think she’s marvellous.)
Don’t explicitly state this, let the unfolding scene imply the irony.

(and I can’t help but see why, watching the light spark in her eyes, and the thrust of her cheekbones, even as the poison comes pouring out of her.)
This statement contradicts the ‘irony.’

(I feel the dull ache on my wrist)
The dull ache isn’t enough here. Great spot for a sensory description.

( ‘You’re a bloody fantasist. Walter Mitty.)
In this setting, ‘fantasist’ seems like an esoteric word.

(Always dreaming, never doing. So intelligent. So bright. So well-fucking-read, and so-fucking-what. The same crap job forever, because underneath the big talk we both know you’re too shit scared to do anything else.)
The character probably wouldn’t state these qualities if this conversation had happened before. This seems like an effort to state the first person’s characteristics.

(‘Nobody cares anymore… still on twenty-two piddling grand. They love it.’)
A bit more stating of the character’s background.

(because her mother’s a bitch.)
This judgment seems out of place here. There is quite a lot of scene showing the character’s actions. Let those actions speak for themselves. It seems as though Tasha is set up to be a bitchy character. It makes it difficult to see eye to eye with the first person, as the situation seems unfairly tilted in his favor.

(It comes on a swinging…stopped talking. )
If this is symbolic action, I’m not quite following it. If this is an allusion to future events that will eventually be revealed, then it should be omitted as tension cannot be built in this manner.

(Realisation wells inside me)
Imply realization, don’t state it.

(I am Ali in the eighth in Zaire.)
A little obscure.

(Twelve years of … and I have conquered. )
Don’t let the character overstate this scene. Actually, the less the character interjects, the better. The power of this scene is in the actions. The character is talking about his own feelings the whole time, during an explosive event, the shock is more powerful if the character is only capable of conveying the situation. There is too much reveling, too much interjection, and too much explicit stating to really exploit the power of the events. This is a good scene, but with the removal of explicit stating, and with the addition a clear sensory description, it can be a great scene.

(Murderer,’ I croak at the creeping surf, if only to get the word out of my head.)
Too much stating of his own feelings. An honest emotional response here is shock rather than melodrama. Shut this character down, put him in primordial survival mode. The tension you build will carry this scene.

(My breath stops, my lips are numb.)
Overstating of the self. These are things a character notices when trying to complete other actions, and the reader should be unaware of the noticing.


Roman N Marek wrote 508 days ago

Thanks for sending me the final 9 chapters. I really enjoyed them. My suspicions about Charlie were confirmed; and then Chapter 23 was really scary. The rest makes for a very sad and grim, but totally captivating, read. And a perfect ending which lives in the mind for a long time after finishing. Terrific. I really hope this gets published. Best of luck.

Jaye Hill wrote 508 days ago

This is an absolutely gripping page turner. The writing is so fluent you just coast through the pages, the characters are precision drawn, Joe White, Mary, the ghastly Bo Selecta, Rosalind, the children, and the plot is complex enough to keep you seriously worried at all times, both for Charlie and for poor Penny being bullied by her doll. There's hardly a paragraph out of place, the descriptions, of the sand dunes, of his fatigue in the boat, of Penny's fear on that night - all wonderfully conveyed in economic language, where each word counts. I cannot praise this highly enough. Will maximum star watchlist and back when there's a slot Jaye

CMTStibbe wrote 510 days ago

This book is enthralling. It blazes on like an express train and I couldn’t wait to find out what happens to Charlie. I couldn’t get to each chapter fast enough. In fact I hurtled through many of them. The plot urgency projected me forward and, at the same time, I was engaging with each character. I was swept up in this book like the tide that pulled the boat out to sea with its miserable cargo. It’s a gripping, fast-paced read, magically written and accurate from the perspective of a little girl. You really want to linger with each character. They are painfully beautiful and so real. And the visuals? Superb! It can’t get better than this. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs

celticwriter wrote 511 days ago

Hi Simon,
Thank you for backing LONDON. Reading yours, is a very refreshing journey. I'm not a critic, just a scriptwriter who enjoys a good structure, a terrific. Read. Happily backed.

jim

David J Baron wrote 511 days ago

Sorry - you're absolutely right. I was lucky enough to receive a dictionary for Christmas - I think I was getting 'glib' confused with 'smug'. Unless by glib you meant: showing little forethought or preparation.
Hope that clears things up.

Gauis wrote 74 days ago [send message] [reply]
Using words when you don't know what they mean, and an inability to take crit. are two reasons why The Observer is likely to contain all the same mistakes as The List, - You won't learn anything, your time on the site will be wasted,and you'll be writing for an audience of one, forever.
Start by getting a dictionary and looking up - 'glib'.
As to your interpretation of Charlie Marconi - that is at least original.


David J Baron wrote 75 days ago [send message] [reply] [edit comment]
Ironic that you should make such a glib comment about how glib my main character is - p.s. your main character, Charlie Marconi is gay.


Hi,
Great short pitch and a decent read.
My feeling is - at the outset maybe tone down the MC's glibness - play it straighter - make him more vulnerable and helpless, reall get me onside - prune those one-liners mercilesly.
Right now - ok, she's bitch, but he gets on my nerves a bit? It's like he doesn't really, really care
This 1st chapter is vital gt me really onside now asnd I'll forgive him anything later on -
- My guy, Charlie Marconi, also has women problems - his internalisations are much more heartfelt - I'm not saying that's the only way to do it - but...you get what I mean - make him too upset to be glib?
Anyway - if you get the chance to look at Chalie M - all crit welcome
thanks
simon

Marita A. Hansen wrote 525 days ago

Chapter 2: You asked me to tell you whether you got the child's voice right because of my daughter being 12. Well, my son's actually the exact age as your character, so when I read this chapter I thought of it in regards to how he would react. And I think you did a very good job. The way Penny got scared at night, the description of the shadows on her wall, her need to see her Dad, needing comforting, her innocent reaction to what her sister was watching, I could go on... It all fitted well with her age. Also, how she yelled at her sister, and the desire to tell on her was spot on. Plus, there were no words that said, "Hey, this is an adult pretending to be a child." Instead, you chose words that reflected her age group. Eg. you didn't say "swearword" you used "bad word." This is what my son would say too if he heard someone swear.

In addition to what you asked, I also want to tell you that this was a very well done chapter, both structurally and content wise. It flowed well, and had good tension, with Penny being scared because of the shadows and the tapping on her window from the branch, then the sneaking down the stairs, trying to find where everyone went, then seeing what her sister was watching and her sister getting angry, pushing and yelling at Penny. From here it gets even more intense when Penny sneaks out, then you have the men saying their bad words and running her way. It's late at night, and she hides behind a bush. She's a scared little girl and the reader feels concern for her. This is all nicely done.

Typo found: There's a the light under the living room door, but it's faint... *Stray "the" after "a."

All the best, Marita.

Katy Johnson wrote 527 days ago

You opened the characters up to us rather quickly. I feel like you revealed a lot early on which is pretty brave, and for this story works very well. I enjoyed the read and backed the book. Well done!

-Katy
The Promenade

Roman N Marek wrote 529 days ago

I enjoyed this very much and found Chapter 3 particularly gripping. In fact, I wondered whether this should be the first chapter. (But then, due to my incompetence, I didn’t get to read Chapter 1 until after I’d read some of the early chapters, so I can’t judge Chapter 1’s impact ‘fresh’). The writing is really good, the incidents well thought out, evocatively described and believable. The father-daughter interactions feel right. I think some of the comments you’ve had to date have been a little harsh. The pace does slacken a little in the middle, but I don’t think the story stops being interesting, and it picks up again by Chapter 15. There is this constant fear of what rash act Charlie might commit at any moment. This keeps one reading and hoping that it’s all going to turn out OK, but dreading that it’s not. And one does root for Charlie throughout, just as one roots for more immoral antiheroes (eg Patricia Highsmith’s Ripley, or Dexter, or even Tony Soprano). Good stuff.

Susanna.K.James wrote 529 days ago

This is an excellent piece of writing, Simon - I was at the end of Chapter Five before I knew it. The characters and the story line totally hooked me and the pace and drama are excellent - well done. I want to read more but I have not time at the moment. Your opening few paragraphs were stunning; we go from the beautiful description of the Northumberland coastline (an area I know and love) to the shock of the bile that comes out of Natasha's mouth. Your MC is totally credible and I find that I am empathising with a murderer - which is entirely down to your skill as a writer. The child's POV is well written and totally believable, the argument with her sister, her conversation with her imaginary doll etc. The only thing I was not comfortable with was what looked like a near rape by the drunken man from the stag party. If that was not your intention then perhaps you need to look at that bit again? If it was your intention to add to the terrified child's traumatic experience in this way, I am not sure that it works. Apart from this, I think that 'The Soul of Charlie Marconi' is the best book that I have read on here for weeks. Well done. Highly starred and awaiting a place on my bookshelf.
Susanna
'Catching the Eagle'
P.S. Your pitch needs some work - it is too blunt and gives away too much of the story. End the first paragraph with 'gentle exterior?' Use more enticing but vague language to draw the reader in. Phrases like 'five months later' also need to go....

David J Baron wrote 531 days ago

Using words when you don't know what they mean, and an inability to take crit. are two reasons why The Observer is likely to contain all the same mistakes as The List, - You won't learn anything, your time on the site will be wasted,and you'll be writing for an audience of one, forever.
Start by getting a dictionary and looking up - 'glib'.
As to your interpretation of Charlie Marconi - that is at least original.

Thank you, Simon.

child wrote 532 days ago

The Soul of Charlie Marconi - The author has, in my opinion, laid out in the first chapter the kind of marriage many are locked into. Resentment, bubbling beneath exterior tolerance that, on occasion flares and lashes out and, all too often subsides into the rut both parties have made for themselves and are too frightened to get out of, is so well observed
Natasha, a frustrated woman, bitter and ambitious for the material things in life, does not understand her husband's complacency and despite his obvious intellect, views him as inadequate. Charlie, a well educated man who is happy to shuffle through life demanding little from it and who, perhaps fools him self into thinking he still loves his wife. This is so well portrayed in the passage where Natasha is in full venomous rant and he tries to placate her wounded spite with conciliatory words and gestures, which he should know, after thirteen years of marriage, is more than likely to inflame her more.
The author poses many questions that will probably be answered in subsequent chapters. Does Charlie like booze more than his children? Should he have tried to go against his nature and provide more for his wife and children? Is Natasha a complete and utter bitch, or does she have a point? And Charlie, once thoughtless anger has erupted and the deed is done, think of his children and how he must shield them from the consequences or, is he thinking of himself? Doubtless every reader will have their own thoughts, questions and answers. Even if this author's writing wasn't so good, his descriptions evocative, the drama of conflict and dialogue so well observed, the fact that it will make the reader think and draw their own conclusions for the motivation behind Charlie's act before the author lays it all out, is what is so truly wonderful about this chapter.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

Canderlain wrote 533 days ago

Thank you so much for backing "Canderlain's Prophecy" :)

Heidi

Carol Browne wrote 536 days ago

Reading this I can't help but think how delightfully Hitchcockian it is, not just the setting and the story, but also the mental processes of the MC. I love the way the story goes from the murder to the child waiting at home, wondering where her parents are, and we can see how throughout his life the MC has built up the grievances that eventually push him over the edge in one moment of madness. Many stars for this one.

Carol
The Lorestone.

Marita A. Hansen wrote 537 days ago

This is an excellently paced first chapter. The constant battering Tasha has heaped upon the poor bloke, increasing as it goes along, wearing him down until he snaps. You also give us the right amount of information on your two characters, weaving it through Charlie’s narrative and the dialogue. I also like how you involve the settings into Charlie’s and Tasha’s actions and words, eg. “The wind whistles a single note through the dunes, and it begins again.” The way in which you describe him killing Tasha, but without stating the obvious, was also very well done: the star, wind, grains of sand, the sea...

Although Charlie murders his wife, he doesn’t come across as what the perceived headlines would see him as: Evil, monster... With his childhood, the last 12 years of being constantly verbally abused by Tasha, he comes across as someone that has been pushed to the brink.

Some minor editing notes: 1) eight year olds should be eight-year-olds. 2) Some missing commas in relation to the name used in the dialogue. eg. "Look Tash." Should be "Look, Tash." 3) Charlie calls Tasha by 3 different variants of her name. I'd stick to one for the dialogue, but you could use a different one for the narrative voice if you want.

I like the ending, and his thoughts going to his children, the need to protect them. I will read chapter 2 when I get some more free time as this is a promising story. All the best, Marita.

P.S. If you want to ask me any questions in relation to my review just message me.

Charles Thompson wrote 538 days ago

Simon,

I just read "Little Baby."

The shift in POV is interesting. I think you do a commendable job of capturing the voice of a child. Sometimes, however, Penny's observations seem too sophisticated in their level of description. For example, I understand how Penny might mistake a branch outside for a giant's arm, but the way she describes it sounds too adult. Essentially, Penny's thoughts are too clear; the writing is too crisp. It's almost as though Penny is seeing the world through an adult's eyes even though her vocabulary is sometimes age appropriate. Perhaps if the focus was on her fear and other feelings, rather than what she sees, it would feel more authentic. As written, Penny is too cerebral for a child. I think you should push yourself to see the world through a child's eyes, replete with misconceptions, and mental energy devoted to details that adults overlook, while missing the details adults focus on. I think it will be very difficult to pull this off, but I think if you do it, it will be very compelling.

As a specific example, the line "of course, we're up at the cottage" seems too precise. Maybe it should be more like "Something's scratchy in my P.J.'s. Sand. Ugh. I always get sand in my P.J.'s when we're at Mr. Fletcher's cottage." Would Penny really understand the dynamic about the reduced payment in exchange for the painting? Maybe make Penny's understanding a little muddled. "Daddy is always doing work on this house. He doesn't paint our house, but Daddy says it's worth it with Mr. Fletcher's cottage because we get a deal."

I don't buy that she pokes her head in the bedroom and smiles. Little kids never seem to be smiling when they wake up in the middle of the night. They're groggy and disoriented and usually look confused, if not cross, if not both.

Thoughts like "I don't want to be on my own" are simply too self-aware for a small child. I believe Penny would "feel" like she doesn't want to be on her own, but I don't believe she would think it. This is why this is such a difficult chapter to write in first person. You need it to be clear enough that your reader understands the scene, but you also need it to be true to Penny's voice. For now, I think you lean too far towards making it clear enough that your reader understands the scene. Perhaps you should try a rewrite where you give the reader just a little bit more credit than your better judgment suggests that he'll be able to follow the scene even if it's presented through the foggy mind of a half-asleep child. Again, if you pull it off, it'll be great, but it's definitely a challenge.

I caught the following:

"the one with the unicorn in IT"

I think you need a semi-colon rather than a comma in the "Of course" sentence. The comma makes it sound that of course you're up at the cottage rather than of course there's sand in your pj's because you're up at the cottage.

"There's A THE light under the living room door"

The line, "I can hear that I'm crying" doesn't work for me. Who thinks that to themselves. Maybe she tells herself not to cry, but can't stop it. Or maybe Liza yells at her for crying like a baby.

The line "I am not." But it's true; I do get scared in the dark" should have a semi-colon rather than a comma; otherwise it's a comma splice. Regardless, this line sounds more authentic and fits the tone I think the chapter needs more of. Indeed, the latter half of the chapter seems stronger than the first half as far as the voice is concerned.

Remove the comma from the "There's a round window" sentence.

Insert a comma after "I check for cars"

I hope this is a little bit helpful.

Best,

Rob

karenrosario wrote 538 days ago

Intriguing pitch. This first chapter is incredibly powerful and VERY well written. I've seen similar things (it didn't lead to murder) and this is very realistic and believable; you have created strong, rounded characters. I almost don't want to read on because of how believable it is. The bit with Penny apologising is so sad. Chapter 2 starts well too- nice shift of POV to Penny.

Charles Thompson wrote 539 days ago

Ali! Bumaye!

I don't agree with Old Bob. I like the first chapter a lot. It flows. I believe Natasha is a bitch. You ably set forth the conflict and the reader understands exactly the predicament the protag finds himself in.

1st chapter:

"she starts TO back away"
The sentence, "I know myself as well as she does . . . ." is a comma splice.
"You think my life's perfect" seems like it should have a question mark, as does the next sentence.
I think "can not" is one word.

I will read Ch.2 tomorrow.

Best,

Rob

Old Bob wrote 539 days ago

Okay, Simon. Here goes.

I actually find the first chapter a bit convoluted. I read on only because I wanted to understand what you were trying to do, not because the story was compelling. It is compelling, but I couldn't help walking away with the feeling that simpler is better.

That's just my thought. I will read more just to see where we go from here.

My book, A PLACE IN LIFE, is online. Read as much or as little as you like.

All the best,

Old Bob

carole austin wrote 539 days ago

This is excellent! Fast, well written, all engrossing. You shift with ease between the mind and dialogue of a panicked man and a terrified child, which is quite brilliant, let alone the plot, which is thoroughly believable. I will back this as soon as there is a space on my shelf, until then, it is on my watchlist. Oh, and I live not far from your location in the story, which is a bonus in itself! Take a look at mine if you have time. Good luck, Carole.

hikey wrote 541 days ago

'The Soul of Charlie Marconi '

Your writing delivers the ' goods' unlike so many of the so called polished manuscripts whose authors are unable to match your talent for imaginative writing .
You are able to draw the reader in with a strong and credible voice, intense characters and absorbing narrative.

Jane
'Breath in the Dark'

Inebriate wrote 552 days ago

The Soul of Charlie Marconi/ 18 nov 2010
Ch. Eight

Simon,

The introspection interspersed with dialog works well. The reader is privy to Charlie’s fears and his attempt to justify the absence of his wife to his daughters. On one level his denial is working, but he’s aware it’s a loose fabrication. His statement ‘Mum’s staying at Auntie Jan’s’ satisfies his daughters for the nonce, but this explanation is a shell without substance. To make matters worse, his younger daughter spins an innocent game into (in Charlie’s growing paranoia) a question or accusation. Does she suspect, does she somehow know?

The fabric of Liza’s morning mini-crisis and the drive to school is artful. Apart from Charlie’s dreadful secret, one can imagine being along for the ride and taking part in the conversations, observing the girls in character and the multitasking parent just managing to keep the plates spinning.

This is a nicely constructed chapter that seems to build tension; the beginning of a fragile construction of untruths that one suspects will lead to further tragedy.

Inebriate