Raven

I thought this was a really good read. You're a great writer and you maintain excellent tone. I really have nothing bad to say. This is a book that would definitely appeal to a YA market which, as Harry Potter and Hunger Games have proved, means it could catch fire with the adult market also. I think the give-and-take with the first person is its easier to draw the reader in and fill out the characters shoes, but with my own first-person book I felt that it offered a limited view of the world I was creating. But you handle it very well. My only thought, and this isn't a criticism, is a question that I often ask myself: You're a really good writer and you have a really good story, but what separates you from all of the other really good writers with really good stories in the world? Why buy this book instead of any other story?

Very descriptive and well observed. I can imagine you will have a good audience with this because kids love an MC with secrets and a character who finds a new life full of hope after having home life troubles.

I really enjoyed the read and I will certainly give you some shelf time.

Best wishes,

Claire-
Nab

Chapter 1.
You described Lilly's mother quite well, and sadly, quite right for parents like that. Your voice is excellent, and I loved everything about this chapter. I don't have time to read more right now, but I plan on reading more in the future, and would love to back this just from what I've already read.
God bless,
E.R

Intriguing start - Chapter 1 left me wanting more, and happy to back. It would be great of you could have a look at “What Lies Within”.

Good Luck

Audrey

Raven.
Chapter 1 - Lilly's mother seems very cold, shoving the child out of the house without saying a word, intriguing too, as a reader will know something mysterious is going on.
'fortunately she couldn't see passed' (past)
You say Lilly is forced to go home at lunchtime, then a little further on say, she and December 'spent many a lunchtime chatting'. I found this a rather confusing as it didn't appear Lilly's mother had relaxed the regime she and her husband have put in place, so it might be an idea to have another look at this.
Like the friendship developing between Lilly and December, it appears they have quite a bit in common.
Lilly rushes up the steps and opens the front door of her house, yet earlier she had heard her mother put the latch on to lock it. From a window, Lilly's mother watches her go and return from school, so therefore no need for a key, especially as she always seems to lock the door behind the girl. Perhaps clarify why Lilly has a key and why the door is unlocked on this day.
Like the affinity between the cat and Lilly, who has never touched an animal before, part of the stangeness of her family, I'm guessing.
Really spooky room, indicating some king of witchcraft perhaps, and the vials are a very nice touch.
Dorothy and June sound lovely. As next door neighbours, wouldn't they had had some contact with Lilly before?
Just a thought.
Lilly cutting off her hair is very symbolic.
Chapter 2 - Ravens coming to sit on Lilly's window sill each night, has a good sense of continuing strangeness. Readers will wonder if they're her parents, as I did.
Why have Lilly's parents not shown or even mentioned, her grandfather's letters to her? The mystery deepens.
Chapter 3 - Benjamin being so friendly and delightfully normal is a good touch and Lilly sounds more positive about her new life in Canada.
The prose is fluid with a good tone running through it and it's quite apparent the author has a very firm grip on the story line with some very good idea's already in play and more yet to kick in. However, this is mainly tell with very little show. The strongest characters, in my opinion, are Dorothy and June, because their actions and dialogue, round them out. Although I liked Lilly, I think she would have more appeal to the targeted audience of possibly older children and young adults, if more was shown of her home life, the interaction between her mother, who despite being coldly distant, would still converse with Lilly. Perhaps monosyllabic dialogue would convey this and heighten the weird set up in their home. I liked the formality of the dialogue used by the policeman called to the house upon Lilly parents' disappearance and thought this worked well. I feel the author has a lot of potential. With a little more work this could be really good.

Nanty - Chrys!

Hi there,
Just read the first seven chapters of your book. An intriguing start that continues to unfold slowly but surely. Have starred it and put it on my watch list. Would appreciate you looking at my books when you have the time.
Good luck!
Dee x

Hi there,
Just read the first seven chapters of your book. An intriguing start hat continues to unfold slowly but surely. Have starred it and put it on my watch list. Would appreciate you looking at my books when you have the time.
Good luck!
Dee x

You have an incredible imagination and I can see where kids will love this story. It pulls the reader right in and doesn't let go. This would make a great animated film as well. Backed for the talent.

Skater

Hello Susy
Just read Chs 1 and 10, liked what I've read and have WLd. Will come back for more later.
Vall (Midwyf)

Susy,

I love your narrative. Its often free flowing and insightful, taking you into the story. On the negative side sometimes I find the dialogue between characters a little staged and stunted eg the police officers in the room where Lilly's parents stay and the sisters' dialogue about the tinned food. However, the dialogue between Lilly and December is perfect and simplistic, just like friends who love each other and don't have a care in the world when the other is around. I feel you really love these characters and know them inside out.

There is a little bit of repetition in the writing, for instance with December's family situation. Also I believe you can give the reader more credit, they will understand what you are trying to say without having it spelled out for them. Have confidence in your own ability to tell it simply. I know this well as this is feedback I have been given in the past.

On the whole, I think you're work is very interesting and generally well written. If the stilted/obvious issues with the dialogue are addressed, I feel this would really lift you're work.

On another note, the first chapter seems very long for a YA, as there are also no breaks at all.

I have only read your first chapter, but will endeavour to try and read some more. I think your work has real promise though. Keep up the good work.

Thanks
AM
The Mark of the Thirteenth

Susy,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The jewel of the narrative however is the voice and the dialogue.The narrator's voice has this marvelous awe built in, which is how children experience. For them everything is new, so they react with awe....

....to everything

The second jewel is the dialogue. The tone is downright endearing, as she goes about reconciling the frustration with the novelty, the wishes with the pauses, and as she does....

......her grace shows.

when you put those two together, you get a marvelous narrative going.

My favorite:

"After arriving at the airport....."
This entire paragraph is your personal best so far
Why?
Because you get descriptive, colorful, full to tone and beat

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

"I heard mom call me again"
This is unnecessary, for the dialogue follows

I would replace some of the "I told him" with actual dialogue for, the dialogues are wonderfully endearing and set the scenes nicely

"extremely upset" agreed to it profusely" "getting frustrated"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he describes...the reader feels

"practically inhaled" "tightly making"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

Enjoyed what I have read. You have a very consistent style and the narrative is nicely balanced by your excellent writing and the intrigue of the unfolding story.

Best Wishes

Richard

This is a solid beginning, a story that deserves to do well.

I'm pleased to back this one.

JM Miller
Mindbender

you have an AMAZING and GRIPPING story here. I can't believe it's fiction! It's awesome--feels so real!

You will want to tighten up and work on not stating things that are obvious or unnecessary. I dont mind the telling segments so much, but you'll still want to balance it out with more show than what you have currently. I think some fine tuning would improve pace as well. But on the whole, You held my captive attention. I really really enjoyed this. you have my support.

'I could hear the voices through the thin walls...' Nice air of mystery and foreboding. Nicely told, tantalising tale. I think it's right for your audience too - right voice, right pitch, right themes. The unusual name, the ravens and the new land and a new family - just the thing.
Cariad
STONES.

A fascinating tale filled with intrigue and mystery. I love the characters and sense the dark family secrets will reveal much more! This is a beautifully written story and promises to be an exciting plot. It has a magical feel and I would love to know what its all about! I really enjoyed what I read.
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

I have read the first few chaps and am sure that the younger generation will love this. Found it believable that she wanted to change her image but rather unbelievable that she could dye her hair white. I wish you all the best with this, Shelved, Anne

Suzy,
I enjoyed reading Raven due to the narrative style. Lilly's thoughts and feelings are conveyed well to the reader and there is an element of suspense from the very beginning. I wish I had time to read more. Backed.

This is intriguing - a real page turner.

Nice beginning. Now you are really immersing us in the story.

"At least not until I met December Moon." Love the name. I think a short description of December would be nice here along with some dialogue of why the MC mum's behaviour wasn't normal.

A couple of edits in this line. As I descreetly waved goodbye to my best friend one day...

Paragraph beginning 'Dorothy and June told me...' I feel it would be nice to have some dialogue here. Make sure each dialogue is on a separate line. For instance,
I shook my head, "I've never been in here before."
The officers (begins on new line). 'I said' isn't needed in the line above because the action tag (I shook my head) tells us who is speaking.
In this section don't have the officers tell her stuff, make it into dialogue so we are actually there and can actually hear their voices. Then you can say what they sound like and add what they do into the tags. You can say whether their voices are scared or bored, etc.

'May parents' should be 'My parents'.

'Unusually' - should it be 'unusual' (not sure on this one only 'unusually' didn't sound right)

'Shame the other kids didn't have a clue...' (I love this para)

'The closest I had at that time...' (this sentance is too long. Make into 2 sentances)

I like the sections that follow. I see real bonding moments between the MC and the spinsters and real grieving moments. Just one small nit - perhaps the clothes of the spinsters need to be adjusted before they will fit our slight MC?

I love the ending.

This story is really coming on. Unfortunately, writers never stop rewriting. ;-)

All the best, Sana

Once the shock of her parents disapearance has subsided Lillian resorts to more rebellious, actions something she never considered when her father and mother were around. The ridiculous baggy yellow clothing she was forced to wear, now she can try out something different, black for example. Later on she comes in contact with Tulugaq clan, her natural family she knew nothing about, and then the dreams begin.
Children growing up are told taught quite rightly that smoking stunts one's growth has Lilly been the victim of a form of passive smoking, forced into the yellow mellow look, to stunt her own growth.
Breaking free, and adapting ones true characteristics, are really inspiring thoughts told with real vigour and I can see 'Raven' being a real hit with a young adult readership.
Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning.
No Compatibility.

There is an odd and intriguing beginning to this. May I suggest:
‘The only things left in the room were two glass vials sitting on a black shelf.’

The vanishing … personally (and this is just IMO, as is everything I say, so feel free to ignore me) I would use ‘The disappearance’ instead.

I liked what I read of this (only the first chapter, sorry) but I certainly wish to return for more. More questions than answers so far.

A spooky beginning and the following writing lives up to that tension from the start.

BACKED

A disturbing and facinating start. I think you are right to keep dialogue to the minimum, it helps with the attmosphere, and underlines both the Lilly's character and the sureal situation. The paragraph starting: I was a loner and the following para tend to hold up the action. Consider moving that information down to where she cuts up her clothes. That way the narative keeps its pace.
Very good work.

What a very odd life young Lilly lived with her almost automaton parents. Questions begin to multiply when the police break into the black room: What had they done in there for years? What was in the vials? Love the scene where Lilly watches TV for the first time - Mr Bean - ideal really. Guilt over watching TV, guilt over enjoying her dinner. Then an odd reaction to the guilt. Hm, two ravens - another question. Is the air hostess just friendly, or is there more to it? Things feel slightly more normal when Ben shows up, 'I love your accent, Lilly. It's so damn cute'. Lillian Tulugaq? Ravens, and the colour of magic...

A strong fantasy mystery, Suzy - more YA I would think than Children's - it certainly sends the readers' curiosity into a tizzy. Short page-turning chapters and an easy-to-read style of writing make this a novel I'm happy to support.

Possible nits: 'a few that [who] taunted me'. 'I had ever consumed [eaten?]'. 'had locked the door', omit 'had'. 'said June as I wondered', if using a 'said' tag, it's better to do it earlier in the dialogue. 'They had kept me busy', omit 'had'. 'I sigh[ed] quietly'. 'I wish[ed] I had known more'. 'an apartment black [block]'. The characters use each other's names in dialogue a bit too often, which can sound unnatural.

Hi Suzy! I've backed you're book 'cause I found it compelling. Crisp sentence structure and paragraphs. I like the character of Lily although she's in utmost despair. You made her remarkable in my view. Enjoying this so far and shall read more. Do like the mysterious aspect. :)

- Ches

This is a compelling read. I would be happy to back this.
All the best, Sana
Saffire Drake and the Three Keys

Suzy,
Have read 13 and just got lost in it.
It is slow and lucid and almost sleepy hypnitic the way you wander through the narrative. Nothing really is a surprise but it is very well written and impels the reader forward.
Very much enjoyed
:)
Diane

Dear Suzy,
Your pitch is simply excellent! It draws the reader in for a mystery and empathy for a neglected girl. The fantasy part is the icing on the cake. Well written!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

What a brilliant start - so intriguing and spare. I like the style of the writing, I like the idea, I like how you don't give it all away or waste words. The last paragraph of chapter one is perfect - unexpected, sad, and very real.
Watchlisted to back at shelf change.
Polly
STONES.

You captured the loneliness of your character very well in the first chapter. It left me hungry to know what happened to her parents. Well written. Backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Suzy,

Oooh, this is creepy. (I like creepy.) You've got a great sense of tone, and you've got a unique and interesting world for Mello Yellow to navigate. I'm really curious to see where this leads! One small crit, I believe that when a character speaks, "Any punctuation should be inside the quotation marks." You've got yours on the outside. It didn't ruin the story or anything, but the grammar police may come down on you for it. A small note for a great piece!

Nice work! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

Suzy,
Loved your story RAVEN. It would do well with both YA and Adults. I was surprise that with the strong connection and obvious love between Lilly and Oliver that there relationship would just end that way. I am hoping that there is a sequel and Lilliy's story continues (maybe with the return of Oliver)?
Would love to read more and happily backed.
Amy J
A RISING MOON

Suzy,

The mystery you set is appealing. You dig into the inner recess of your characters and brings out the onions of your good tale. A wondeful craft you have here. Your description is fabulous, authentic and original. A menu for both old and young. Goodluck.

I'm intrigued by the story! Your main character is especially interesting. But there are a few things that confuse me. If her parents lock themselves in a spare room every day, what's to stop her from entering the kitchen or talking to people on the front steps? She says her mother would come out and stop her from talking to others... but if her mother is locked in a room on the fourth floor, she can't do that. (Unless her mother has some powers you haven't shared yet... which is totally possible.)

also, she's pounding on the 'office' door after her parents disappear, and Dorothy and June walk in. Except the office is on the fourth floor - that's a lot of stairs for them to walk up! They're going to need time to hear her pounding. come over, and walk up all of those stairs.

I realize that your main character is sort of a reclusive, possibly depressed young woman... but as another commenter pointed out, having her drive the narrative makes me feel distanced from the story. She tells us a lot, but we don't get to see much. Maybe weaving in a flashback or two would fix that?

These are just niggly bits, easily fixed... but they pull me out of the narrative, which is not what you want to happen to a reader! I'm backing on the strength of the plot and because I want to keep reading to find out what happens next.... ;-)

From the first line the reader is drawn in and I was intrigued to read on. The imagery is particularly well done and the writing accomplished.
Deserves to do well.
Jane

Very good begining. Liked the Charachers. Liked the style.

I intive you to read or comment on The Rebel

God Bless,
Chipper Newman

I really like the feel of this, the premise and the characters. It's deliciously spooky and unsettling. However I did feel a little distanced....it's as if we're watching it through a dark murky glass. Maybe it was that old demon, 'tell' as opposed to 'show'. I'm not averse to a little telling but I do think that, particularly with YA books, you need to have the reader really identify with the MC. At the moment that's a little hard. I have a bad feeling I'm not explaining myself terribly well here!
Anyhow, that said, I think it's certainly strong enough for a backing. Just feel it could be even stronger - and then I have a strong suspicion it could be a bit of a hit!

You have crafted a most interesting storyline, your use of imagery is excellent and I do like your use of the first person narrative voice. This allows you to fully explore, and you do it well, Lilly's feelings, observations and thoughts. Your imaginative writing ensures that your work will appeal to the YA audience. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Very well described, and thoroughly enjoyable. Certainly different to the other YA fantasy on here!

Happy to back!

Robin

Hi Suzy

I love this. It's so mysterious and it's wonderful the way you inhabit the inner life of your main character and help us to see the world through her eyes. The strangeness of her life with her parents, the kindness of the two neighbours, it's wonderful, so strange and well-imagined. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

I like it when a writer gets straight to the point. The writing is perfect for the genre and for audiences both young and old. The sentences are short, which leads to an abrupt, uneasy feeling that is well suited to the theme of your story. Backed with well wishes

Laurelle
One of the WAGS

How could I not back a book with such a wonderful title! Started to read and am enjoying it immensley.

Raven (Love is a colour too)

Brilliantly done...lovely prose...beautiful MC...this is excellent...

Strange start to what promises to be a great story. Has all the right ingredients and is well written. Gordon- The Harpist of Madrid

This book has charm but is very odd. I'm going to have to read more.

Suzy - the mystery you've set up is appealing, as are Lilly's circumstances - and it will be interesting to see how it can be solved in Canada. I like your tone but the following are some things, in my lowly opinion, that caused me trouble, and you can certainly ----can them, but here goes:

"wasn't allowed to watch TV, didn't own one (probably just say didn't own one),"

" and for the first time in my life I felt even more alone than before (if she hadn't been such a loner that first time statement would work, but think you can do without.

While some of the other ones were collected by unsuspecting parents. (unsuspecting of what?) smoking? theirs weren't smoking

a lot of "hads" - he had been(in the case of Mr Bean - still was so maybe just say - I found out the name of the character was ....

They had kept me busy... (just - they kept me busy).

There wasn't much but it was a far cry from mellow yellow. (referring to the black clothes) seems clumsy - the fact there weren't a lot of black clothes doesn't really explain the far cry from Mellow yellow.

the revolving record metaphor at the end of chapter 1 - record only goes one way - and sadness to guilt and guilt to sadness connotes back and forth -

But I think it has great potential and as I say you can ignore. Backed. CW (To Save the Sun)

Suzy,

Excellent, engaging, unexpected. The narrative is perfect. The Lilly's character is perfect.
Certainly, the first chapter draws the reader in as it takes the unexpected road.
Great Job!
Good Luck!
Backing!
Sammy Sutton
King Solmon's '13'

I'm just hooked.

I'd pick this up in the book shop, read the first few pages and buy it. I've read 3 chapters so far and will keep reading. It's totally my genre and I love it.

Your writing style is original in its simplicity, but manages to convey everything. I'm right there in Lilly's head; in the strangeness of her life and the numbness of her loss.

Backed with pleasure x

Dear Suzy
I just wanted to say that I have finished this read. I have already backed and commented on the book excellent. But I felt strongly enough to put more comments in and let you know. I do wish you all the BEST with this Suzy

Denise
The Letter

Suzy,

This is very good. Backed on the amazing potential this has. I wish you the best of luck.

Kind regards,

Jodi.
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