Virginia City

Hi Jeff,

An amusing story and well written except for your introductory paragraph. That paragraph contains three 'off of's'. Those two words should never be used together and in any case are inappropriate here when all you have to say instead of 'based off of', is based on. If you did this deliberately for comic effect then I'm afraid it doesn't work and sets a porr example to your target readership.

The rest of the story is great.

Ron

very good and your humor shines through. Backed.

I invite you to read or comment on Dreams Come True: A Story About Taylor Swift

Blessings,
Chipper

Dear Jeff
well I backed this book 57 days ago and also commented. and backed it. i found the comments, however cannot find the backing so will do it again, because it is WORTH IT
if you have already backed my book thank you so much, if not would you find the time, ifnot that is OK also
the VERY best of luck
Denise
The Letter

Hi Jeff
Great book cover and this is what drew me to your novel.You have a great writing style and descriptive pattern that I do not see too often on this site. I am a reader and not a writer. My partner Craig Ellis who has a book on this account and site called "The Sun and the Saber". Pls check it out. I will get him to back your book when he comes back from the store. I had to hurry and get on the net while he was away. We have only one computer.

Keep up the good work. Keep writing!
Vi

I love it! Your writing is refreshing, with its comedy and action! Funny, yet realistic. Gladly backed!

I gladly backed this book. Good luck with your future writing. I would appreciate your support of December Gold.

VIRGINIA CITY

Jeff - Definitely a book to buy at the bookstore once it hits the shelves. Its opening Chapter leads the reader skilfully and sets out the conflicting and demanding range and various factors in play across the whole of The United States, as The West began to open up, most instructively with a light informative touch. In Chapter 13, your character Stinky Pete, is a triumph of using one feature of a man's anatomy to cover extensively a whole range of topics in one go. I won't mention it specifically - leaving other browsers to find it themselves. I think your target audience will go for your book in a big way: it's a ripping yarn and educative as well. I enjoyed it greatly. Backed.

Tony Brady. - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1,2 & 3.

I think this might be just the thing to appeal to a youthful sense of humour. Best of luck. Backed.

Great pitch and I think this will be a winner.
Dawn,
My Friends and Me

Hi Jeff,

I read two chapters and here are my thoughts.

I'm only somewhat familiar with the Marx Bros, but from what I know about them and their comedy, your dialogue between Whitefoot and Bart Black remind me of the Marx Bros. The dialogue does move the story forward with its comical banter and even non-sensical humor.

Great opening with the family gathering in the living room/parlor and grandpa (the old goat) narrating a story about the wild west. You transition somewhat smoothly into the actual story.

Some things to watch out for is your portrayal of Native Americans (American Indians) and their role in the wild west. I realize you're writing a comedy for young adults so you don't want to get overly political or step up on a soapbox, but American Indians are often portrayed as "savages" or even "noble savages" and I don't think this is a good message to give to children, since American Indians also lost their land, way of life, and well, just about everything as well as, having been portrayed in a bad light by Hollywood and other media.

Just something to consider.

I wish you the best with your young adult comic novel. I think you have a great and entertaining topic. And you handle the storytelling and comic timing of the dialogue with aplomb.

Patricia

A wonderful work with its basis well explained at the start. The bookshelf score infers great things in store for this material. Pleased to back. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures) (Literary Agent Blues)

I like Bike Moving aXross bmx and the plant plezantankyu
This book should appeal to a young readership as they will enjoy the wisecracks
The two men walking out on the boss at the end of chap 1 was good too
The story needs a lot of proofreading
backed it for the laughs I got
Micheal O'Durcain
Murder on the menu

I like very much the storyline and it is obvious that it will appeal to a considerable readership. However, (isn't there always a 'however')!

However, it needs serious editing. I didn't read past the second chapter (sorry. but it's a busy day) but I felt a little bogged down in the dialogue. There is too much of the "how are you?" I'm fine. How are you?" syndrome. And I have to say I was sad to read in the very first sentence two "off of"s A serious grammatical no-no! And adverbs are a tad over abundant! eg: "horribly miserable face"

I hate criticizing anyone's work as I know just how much time you have spent. But you did ask me!

I really DO like the content and the lightheartedness of the storyline. However, if it is aimed at young adults and children, it needs to be perfect grammatically. Grammar and good speech is sadly lacking in schools these days, so it is up to us to fill in the gaps by presenting it in good writing habits.

If I've stepped over the line, I apologize but I made my living in the editing field, and so I'm very eagle eyed!

Your book is backed.
Perhaps you would consider reading a page or three of "Tangled Destiny" and perhaps backing it. And of course you can get your own back by criticizing it.

Cheers,
patC

based off of, etc. is incorrect. Based off and the repetition does not add to credence. I would give this information to Grandpa instead of putting it at the beginning. Anyone reading this would consider that the tenor of your writing and put it down without reading further.

Miserable is repeated twice in the very beginning and it doesn't work with '...young Duane Plummer...' It is out of place, like saying his name is Miserable young Duane Plummer. When it is repeated in the third paragraph it's redundant. Use some action to make your point. Duane slumped in his seat with his arms crossed over his chest. His lower lip stuck out. This is better than more miserable than ever and miserable in the first place. How does a kid who is having a rotten time act? Answer that question with action.

absent-minded
Aunt Sadie (Saddie would be pronounced with a short A)
He looked up. Grandpa stared down. "Get out of my chair," he growled. Keep the tenses the same. Was staring down is past perfect and stared down is past tense like the rest of the sentence.

'...was completely queit for a moment.' quiet
"Okay, thanks! Bye!" Comma between okay and thanks.

There are quite a few mistakes and some over writing. The biggest problem, outside of the obvious, is a tendency to tell instead of show. This needs much more action, more showing. Instead of saying someone has a horribly miserable face, show how horrible and miserable it is. You tend toward repetition to make your point. It does not serve you well. Some of your modifiers are out of place, as in the first example, and make it difficult to understand the meaning. Let the words do the talking and get rid of some of the exclamation points. They're over done

This could be a very interesting and comic story as long as there is more action, less telling and more telling. It's a good first draft, but needs work.

J M Cornwell
Among Women

Your ranking is already so very low. So it must be good. Few minor things I've found, horribly miserable face,
to my humble opinion it should be 'miserable face' only. He boomed then winked at = He boomed, winking at.
Sweetness = Sweetheart? I think children will love it. Backed.

VIRGINIA CITY: It's about time young readers returned to the joys of reading a good western story ... this fits the bill to perfection. Older readers like myself will pick up the 'Miss Kitty' charcater name from Gunsmoke (tv series). the charcaters jump off the page and into the minds of the young readers. Maybe Harry Potter will have to ride off into the sunset for a while.

Backed with pleasure...

Rev Raven Scott (Love is a colour too & Coming, ready or not)

MIss Kitty wasn't she in Gunsmoke? good book love "the name is Black Bart! BLACK BART! BLACK BART!. I could hear the accent, really good. It is in my head now and feel sure that it will be saying of the week with my kids. You write with gusto and verve and vivid color and energy. All these old words. And who writes likes this. CONGRATS SHELVED for sure
I would be so happy if you take the time to read some of my book and give me your feedback. All comments are always welcome, one can never get too much help, and if you like it please BACK my work
BACKED

Virginia City. Whitefoot seems quite the character. I particularly like the way he gives himself credit for runnin off the injuns. The dialogue works a treat and grandpa has the right voice for the narration, I can just hear his movie voiceover. Should have an appeal to an audience beyond YA.
John O'Brien - Other Face

You have to love a classic western, and you have figured out how to get young readers to dive in as well. Well written and fun for readers of all ages.

D.E. LaRiviere (AKA Milo Saint) "Six of One" and "The Hand of Cain"

Y/A will enjoy this. It reads so easily. I like the fact that you didn't make it serious. Well written.

Clever. Your cast of characters are interesting. I'd like to see a bit more description. Not a lot. Just a key descriptive detail dropped in here and there. Your conversations flow naturally and amuse. Your wit is hilarious. For example, the spring loaded door to the fort. Your pacing held my interest.

Nits:
1) "You're in my chair." the old man growled. Comma after 'chair.' When a dialogue tag (the old man growled, he said, etc) follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma. There are more cases of this type of problem.
2) "Look at his face honey!" Comma after 'face.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases of this type of problem.

This is a clever YA western comedy. Backed.

Any story about two men fighting for the love of a woman are my favorites. Classic, I loved it. I am backing this book with pleasure. Please take a look at my book and let me know what you think.

Backed with pleasure! You have a gifted imagination and a real talent for writing. Everyone can enjoy a book like this and so humerous to boot!!

Liz
The Cheech Room

I love westerns. To have comedy as well is a bonus. Backed.
Laurence
The Cross of Goa

Original and with lovely touches of humour, I found the cowboy's world a delight to immerse into.. I can tell you, my father is a BIG cowboy fan and he would thoroughly enjoy this tale... - well done - Backed!
Diane
Good Blood

I Love a good western although I must admit I was waiting for the punch line in the arrow sticking out of the Captains ribs.
'Does it hurt???
Answer- 'Only when I laugh' Boom! Boom!

Backed with pleasure

Colt
A Time for Living

I enjoyed the humor and it was a plus to be in historical times, however the only thing I could pick with is I wanted to read more...

NJ Capaldi
Crescent Heart

I love your light sense of humor and that this is a book that is not about the supernatural! YA fiction needs books of substance that are not trying to be the next Harry Potter! This book was funny, exciting and I think my son will love to read it!
Backed with pleasure,
HK
Light of the Son

It doesn't give the cows a square meal.
Charming.
Backed. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

Jeff, what fun! I've backed your story. Good luck with it.

Connie Chastain
Southern Man

This reminds me of a film with Chevy Chase or some such person. Backed.

I don't typically like reading Westerns, but this one is different. It's fun, educational and just plain enjoyable. The target audience is sure to like this one, as are some of us outside of the target area. Backed with pleasure!

Amy
Love Match

Hi Jeff
A classic cowboy tale! You really encapsulated the feel of the Wild West and mixed fact with fiction superbly. Loving what I've read so far, backed.
DP Walker
Five Dares

I have two grandsons aged 11 & 13 who will love this. You tell the story with such humour and there is a fair amount of educational matter involved. we dont have good old fasioned cowboys anymore, Wyatt Erp, The lone Ranger etc etc this seems a cross between those old shows and a sort of Dukes of hazzard Excellent hapily backed
Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

Do you have the Jack of Hearts in the story? Simply, this reminds me of the Dylan song and the legions of Wild West memorabilia that clutters our brains. Yeah, round bales don't give square meals. I'm enjoying this so far. Backed for now.

A larger-than-life wild west...shades of 'Blazing Saddles' here! I found the small font size in the prologue a bit hard to cope with but otherwise I think this should do very well...happily backed for now...
Stewart

you use great dialogue, and flowing narrative, this is very good work...on WL
SU DAN...READ 'SEASONS'.........

Virginia city, well what can I say ,its great to read a western that flows like this one with lots of humour dotted about. The scenes are very descriptive beefing the book up. Could almost feel I was there enjoying the atmosphere of the old days in the west. - Clever stuff. I for one back your book.
SHELVED.

regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest)

Thanks for backing my book, I do appreciate it.

The old timer attempts to explain the traditions of generations, before he meets with a less than enthusiastic ear from the boy, and yet there is warmth - at least from man to boy - in the relationship. This warmth is infectious. The old man meets with more success in telling the story of Whitefoot and Bart's living in the West.
The disorganised Whitefoot is thoroughly consistent and believable and at times so amusing as it proceeds in natural and spontaneous dialogue.
Whitefoot seems almost vulnerable and is easily parted from his money.
Thoroughly absorbing characters and surely going to be popular with the Y/A and children's market.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Virginia City
Jeff Prussia

I support educating 21st century children (and adults) about the West. Intriguing characters, Whitefoot and Bart Black. "Yer in the army. Of course yer gonna get shot at!" "But we don't like it!"
You're a good storyteller. Enjoyed this so far.

What you have posted so far is well written and well paced. I think that you book is more geared to the YA audience. Your use of imagery is excellent, the character development is solid and this coupled with your descriptive writing style ensures that your work will have broad appeal with the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Hi Jeff,

Highly entertaining, well written and sylish, what's not to love!

Best Regards,
January

What can I criticise? Very well written and easy to read. You build atmosphere very nicely. There are places where I might put some extra commas in to break up the text, but then I think I overuse commas sometimes... I don't know if you actually *need* the modern day opening to bracket the story (but not having read the whole thing I don't know how relevant it is to the book as a whole). The Western part of it could sit quite happily on its own. But anyway, it well deserves a backing :-)

What can I criticise? Very well written and easy to read. You build atmosphere very nicely. There are places where I might put some extra commas in to break up the text, but then I think I overuse commas sometimes... I don't know if you actually *need* the modern day opening to bracket the story (but not having read the whole thing I don't know how relevant it is to the book as a whole). The Western part of it could sit quite happily on its own. But anyway, it well deserves a backing :-)

Great voice. Very fluid. A few grammatical and stylistic mistakes that need ironing out and this book should go far.

Some of the terms are repetitive: "Yes" SMILED Jeanette.
Grandpa SMILED. Use another term for 'smile' here. Also 'smiled Jeanette' appears modern for a book set in the past and is not strictly speaking grammatically correct. Better to say: 'said with a smile'.

Chapter One
Before the Great Depression . . . This should be the prologue. Chapter One should begin with the start of the first real scene.

"Whitefoot looked up to see . . . grammatical error here. No need for inverted commas. Also, this large section of back-story breaks up the flow of the scene and should be incorporated more subtly.

A good practice is to read one's work on a large screen computer with the writing set at 200 % of its actual size. This way, grammatical errors stick out like sore thumbs.

Finally, the last chunk of dialogue beginning "Leave your poor ol captain, mortally wounded, stranded . . .' doesn't sound like a convincing plea for help. Avoid as far as possible breaking the fictional spell you have over the reader. Even if a line is required purely for comic effect, if should still sound authentic.

Best of luck with your work. Laith

Good - bu why not give me a bit more in the pitch - it's too generic - lets down the content?

Highly entertaining read. I loved it all, we back these
authentic bad ass larger than life bandits all the way..
Shelved while laughing mikegilli The Free

Amazing! I absolutely enjoy historical fiction. Very fluid dialogue, great job.

Hi Jeff, Loved the “Miserable young…” The Grandpa and Grandma are a treat with their jokes and banter. And Whitefoot’s crazy humor befits the unrestraint that must of happened far from cities. He’s a card while the dialect isn’t difficult to follow. A delightful anecdotal start and it seems to take a different tack with the West. Happy to shelve - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Hi Jeff. Well this is refreshingly different. I loved the opening chapter and how Grandpa is telling the story. Good characters and lots of fun and excitement make this a good read for young adults. Backed and the best of luck with it! mariecapri (Cosmic Linx)