Twin Chambers the beginning

A very good adventure. Quite a beginning.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

Brilliant creepy start!
Like the detachment of her “best friends voice” And then the flip to supposed normality in chapter one and you start the great development of Margeaux.
Thought your structure was interesting tile the character the perspective was coming from, thought it might jar, but to me it worked. There is a great book developing here. – Good luck!

You got me with the openning "it wasn't a dark and stormy night". Well done. Your work is well written and well paced. Your use of imagery is excellent, the character development is solid and all of this coupled with your descriptive writing style ensures that your finely crafted fantasy will have a broad appeal with the YA audience. Backed.

Andrew Burans:
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Twin Chambers:

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you.

I don’t write or read much fantasy so I’m not the best person to review the genre, but I think you have a great imagination for writing. This has lots of potential, and when edited for punctuation, etc., it will be a much tighter and an even better read.

And it it’s probably me, but I thought the tenses became mixed up in places?

In Chapter two the first sentence is past tense then it changes to present, or maybe this is the way fantasy, etc., are is written?

“Don’t you see? He bellowed. – small h for He? Yes, he is very angry…change of tense?
She pleaded! Omit this? And – she said - near the end of chapter, could also go as we know who’s speaking?
The silver fire hasn’t been used for for centuries; present tense again?
“Get up.” She spat coldly… comma instead of full stop and small s for She? Not sure if the ‘spat coldly’ is meant for –“Get up.” – or for -“You have to get ready?

All the best, and I’ll give this a spin on my shelf.:)

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

Backed with pleasure! You have a gifted imagination and a real talent for writing.

Liz
The Cheech Room

I like your opening, "It wasn't a dark and stormy night...", I used something very similar - kind of anti-traditional. Good luck!

I love the big font.

I think you've got something that will really appeal to fans of YA Fantasy, it's got all the right elements! I liked what I've read so far in the story, it's got a lot of things I look for in a book. There are much better people on this site to critique your work, so I will leave that part to them. The story and the writing and the character development are all great. This read easily and the pace kept me involved. Going to come back and finish this later today!

Missy

Hello, this is a copy and paste comment as I am extremely busy during May and June with my Creative Writing edits and have no time to take notes and comment in depth in my usual way.

I have read a chapter of your book and am backing it because I love it - like it or can see potential.

In the spirit of the site, if this is a return read, thank you for your backing, it is much appreciated. If not, I ask that you might find time to take a look at my book, An Unbreakable Bond. There is no need to comment, unless you feel you must, but I would be grateful for a backing if it falls into any of the above categories for you.

May I also recommend: Impeding Justice, by Melcom

It is a fast paced thriller and is hot footing it to the eds desk. Let’s help this hard working, dedicated site member to achieve this. Thank you, my every good wish for success with your work, Love Mary.

PS: Do forgive me for having to do this, I will be back in force in July and if you particularly want an in depth comment, email me your first chapter to mary.wood18@yahoo.co.uk .

HI, WELL DONE, BRILLIANT OPPENING, SETS UP THE CHARACTERS AND MAKES THE READER WANT MORE. ONLY READ THE PROLOGUE FOR REASONS ABOVE, BUT BACK YOU WITHOUT HESSITATION , PICKED UP ON A COUPLE OF CREATIVE WRITING EDITS THAT NEED DOING - LOOK AT WHERE YOU HAVE USED 'WAS', THIS WORD GIVES YOUR SENTENCES A TELLING, PASSIVE VOICE RATHER THAN AN ACTIVE, SHOWING VOICE AND ALSO LOOK AT THE SPEECH TAGS, SOME COULD GO AS IT IS OBVIOUS HOW THE WORDS HAVE BEEN SPOKEN WITHOUT THEN TELLING THE READER. EASY THINGS TO PUT RIGHT ONCE YOU GET THE KNACK OF IT. LOVE THE SPIRIT YOU SHOW IN YOUR PROFILE, GO GIRL. LOVE MARY.

A chilling start with good creativity and imagination that should be appealing to the YA market. Some small amount of editing needed, but it has the foundations of a good fantasy tale.

Backed,

Lisa

Hi Kaleigh, The synopsis didn’t prepare me for the witch and her ceremony. The writing drew me in, gradually revealing the personality of this woman who doesn’t like the “pocketful of sunshine” to be involved in spells. The phone call from Marcie and her switches to normalcy were effective and when Margeaux’s story began, that woman portends an answer to her mother’s death. An ominous outset! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Love your enthusiasm. Good writing!

Backed,
January

Hi Kaleigh,

On the down side, your work didn't really appeal to me. But I loved your attitude, as displayed on your profile, and so I read on.

As you can guess I am not one of these people who patronise with niceties for their own ends!

I can,however, give you one BIG PLUS (see I've stolen your idea about capital letters when you want to get noticed) and that is I do believe you have the ability to connect with a YA audience. Even though the plot and writing style didn't appeal to me, I could see young people immediately warming to a lot of what you say.
This is a rare skill.

Lots of more polished writers lack this.

If you can (and I think you will) marry this skill to a better plot, and an improved prose style, I think you will be successful in your genre.

As for being addicted to this site, not really. I'm getting bored already!

But it was great feeling that sassy and positive vibe comeing across on your profile.

Kindest regards
J.

Hi.
Cut - Its strange?
Cut - mysterious and
Avoid starting sentences with - it- if possible - plus this sentence is poorly constructed, rework
I want some veiled cllue as to what this evil is - in the pitch
Hope that helps
best
s

This is very imaginative and just what YA readers want. I think you will go far with this book. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Hi Kaleigh. Well you have plenty of critique to consider. I'll just comment on your story. You have a good plot and the characters are varied. You have a vivid imagination and manage to hold interest in the story. I liked the dark opening, you told it well. Backed and best of luck with this! mariecapri (Cosmic Linx)

"She pondered the old days . . . she had mentors, witches who really knew what they were doing." The times gone by. I used to have a secretary. Actually, I had three secretaries (administrative assistants) in five years. I haven't had one for over ten years. Were they witches, not exactly, but I ponder the old days as well. "Oh my goodness," is my feeling exactly. "Everything inside me is screaming that this is wrong but what am I supposed to do . . . I'm sure I can get used to him." I like this, Margeaux has the voice of Everyman. I can understand her apprehension. I'm glad you uploaded the complete text so I can come back and see how this develops. What is Rick and his son, really? Backed for now.

Hi Kayleigh -- great story and I think you have plenty of talent (backed for that) --but I agree with Jeff -- edit soon and clean it up!

Best wishes, Barry

Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Hi Kaleigh,

Your premise sounds intriguing. I would split the longer pitch into smaller paragraphs as having it in one block is hard on the eyes.

I thoroughly enjoyed the read. Well-crafted characters and natural dialogue. The vivid descriptions brought the story alive. It’s a page turner.

“Get up(,)” (s)he spat coldly at Cheri. I replaced the period with a comma, as what follows is a tagline. Unless you mean she physically spat at Cheri.

“You have to get ready… We have a wedding to attend(,)” (s)he said… Same as above.

I loved what I’ve read so far. You have a wonderful imagination. A little polishing is needed, but overall I thought it was written well.

Shinzy :)

This is a very interesting story that I have been reading. Their are alot of typos in your book that you might want to look at. I notice someone else commented saying it caused them to stop reading. It didn't cause me to stop reading, but it was a little annoying. You book is very simplistic and I'm not saying that in a bad way. It appears that it would be a book that could span the age groups from young child to older adult. I don't know the full details of your book so it's really hard for me to comment on the age bracket. Their are a few formatting problems with your book. I think it would be good if you looked at some books to see how they format a few things such as dialogue. Some issues with the readablity of your book could be fixed with proper formating. Good luck with your book. I have backed it and would love to look at it again when you get all the misques fixed.

An intriguing short pitch which is just detailed enough to whet the reader's appetite. Is the book really complete at under 24,000 words? - I imagine this is a mistake. You explore extremes in a timely manner and your prose/dialogue intersperse beautifully. Some editing is definitely needed & after this is done, I am sure you will have an excellent book, which I feel will do well. Wishing you every success - Paula (Cuthbert: How mean is my Valley?)

witches and weddings, from one extreme to the other, from daylight to darkness. The writing conveys your imagination well as there is a dark tone to it that makes you think something nasty is just around the corner. backed with pleasure.

The 'killing curse' is particularly chilling as we see the witches summon up evil and we wonder how this might impact on the wedding.
It's particularly interesting that a wedding is symbolically a time of affirmation, a promise of a happier and a good life and so it's a good opening to your first chapter to have the potential wedding when it's pitched against the opposite destructive forces of dark and witchcraft.
Already we have the mood, the witches and a mounting sense of foreboding as seeds of a much larger and powerful drama, as outlined in the intriguing storyline given in the synopsis.
I was quickly drawn into your storyline and wanted to keep reading.

Backed
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Excellent, good atmosphere, good dialogue, good characters.

Kaliegh
This is marvellous and well suited for YA. Got all the quirpss and in and outs that the young seem to thrive on and there is mystery what with modern day witches and all. Nice realistic dialogue. As the last person said, a edit sweep will make it perfect and some sentence resturing in the third paragraph where you write about the rest......needs a litlle tab of tightening there

happy to back this

Backed with confidence! Tom Ryerson (Carnal Wreckage)

Kaleigh,
I started to read your book, but I had to stop because of the numerous grammatical and punctuation mistakes. However, I definitely see a true story teller in you. But don't feel bad. This is only your second book and we have all been where you are...excited about your accomplishment and ready to share it with the world. The problem is, you're not there yet. I would suggest 2 things: Do an intense self-edit (again) after reading a couple (self-editing & revision books) and look up the most common mistakes writers make and do a complete "word search" with Word and weed out all of the their, they're, its, it's, and sentences that start with But and And. Also try to get rid of as many "was" words as you can. I could go on, but I'll help you with your first sentence and let you learn on your own from there.
"It wasn't a dark and stormy night. (this sentence should stand alone - although it sounds too cliche. The rest of the sentence is unnecessary. No one cares what the setting isn't like, only what it is like, although I understand that you are setting up a contrast against the cliche beginning. Also, you should try to keep your "was" and was related words like (wasn't, weren't) to a minimum - say 2-3 per page. You have 7 in the first paragraph alone. Editors don't like that. If you remove those and backfill with stronger action and descriptive words you'll see a huge difference in your writing.
I don't want to be mean spirited. I just want to help because other writers have helped me over the years. So take what I say with a grain of salt and keep your chin up. There are lots of writers here that will say nice things about your book just to get you to "back" theirs without giving you an honest opinion of your work. Please read the excerpt of my book also to see how I replace the "was's" with color. - Good luck. Jeff Bennington, David Ray's 20th.

It's a magical and glamorous start, just the kind of thing YA like. Your dialogue is excellent and you have the prose, like 'drowning in her own veil of darkness' that creates a rich and satisfying atmosphere. Excellent. Backed. Lynn

Very readable and exciting, a tale children, of all ages will enjoy.
Happily backed
Mal Muirhead - Marvellous Mavis and the Devolve-o-Meter

Hi,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

Dear Kaleigh, I love your sharing childhood happenings - a lot of your story is similar to mine in my memoir -I'm a twin/my mom remarried/I left home at 18 - amazing. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your pitch, which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

Hi,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

TWIN CHAMBERS
This is an interesting fantasy story. I like the way it begins with a wedding; I think that’s a good way to draw in young adult readers. You switch point of view frequently from character to character, but again, because you label each segment with who’s head we are in at that point, that works. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

A well put together story with some great characters. It flows very well and has some good description throughout.
Noticed punctuation errors but realise you are editing so not too important as regards comments.
I like your style of writing which comes over nicely. On the whole this is excellent stuff, I back it.
SHELVED.

Regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of the Forest)

I will work on changing that. There is a text size bar, so that when your reading you can zoom out, i did realize i need to change that though, thank you

I think I'm going to enjoy this. I just wish it was in a normal sized font, the very large print is hard work. good luck with this. Sylvia

I think I'm going to enjoy this. I just wish it was in a normal sized font, the very large print is hard work. good luck with this. Sylvia

Thank you! Thats very helpful! I will need to go over that tomorrow. I know i need to do quite a bit of editing, sometimes it helps to get it from a different perspective! Thanks again for taking time to help out!
Kaleigh- Twin Chambers

This has the bones of a good story and your characters are convincing. This is a hard market to get into but you have enough original elements to keep the reader's attention. You do need to watch your apostraphe use eg. in your long pitch: shes forced should be she's forced: doesnt = doesn't. These are little things but the agents scanning these pitches pick up on them and assume all your work is similarly in need of a lot of editing.
Regards, Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

This has the bones of a good story and your characters are convincing. This is a hard market to get into but you have enough original elements to keep the reader's attention. You do need to watch your apostraphe use eg. in your long pitch: shes forced should be she's forced: doesnt = doesn't. These are little things but the agents scanning these pitches pick up on them and assume all your work is similarly in need of a lot of editing.
Regards, Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Welcome aboard, Kaleigh. I'll be your second comment. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch TELLS instead of SHOWS. The long pitch needs to be broken down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. End it with one question so it piques the reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

This starts off at a cracking pace, I love the Coven Mother's way with words and the spell she puts on Marcie's dress. Really exciting beginning, can't wait to read more soon.

A few nits for you to consider, pitches first, you have i instead of I was a little girl. She's forced... and doesn't. Very minor but it let's this great book down.

Complex (kind) of magic.
She knew how to switch off her emotions! Perhaps, you have she knew hoe to turn of emotion.

Sincerely happy to shelve such fine and engaging writing.
Melxxx