The Play

This is a very poignant piece of writing. The first 'serious' book I can remember reading as a kid was Ian Sereillier's Silver Sword. Something about your story reminded me of it.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

DJ, by all means expand this story to a full length book. It is rich with possibilities and your writing is very good. The premise is excellent: three children running for their lives. A great adventure for YA. Backed with enthusiasm.

Iva P.
Fame and Infamy

Have read chapter 1 only. I am not qualified to give any technical criticism, besides I don't care whether a comma is in the wrong place, or whether there should be an apostrophe or not. All I know is whether a story is well written or not - yours is. Whether it has a story worth telling - yours does. I wish you well with it.
Best wishes
John

THE PLAY: D.J. WEISBECK

A beautiful story that shows promise. You chose to write a book I always love to read; I grew up on the stories that revolve on the Holocaust and I have always wondered why something so catastrophic as the killing of Jews, had even happened at all. Thank for this story...wonder why Hitler could never resolve the fact he has Salomon in his bloodline.

All the best,

Rome
Directives for Murder
Beyond the Shadows

THE PLAY
I felt quite goose pimply as I read this. So poignant and such a sad time. Your research must taken you some time and I commend you for that alone. This tale shows enormous promise and cold make an excellent full length story of which I would like to read. What you've shown us so far is written with a fine hand. Well done and I've given this a good set of stars.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Excellent beginning. Incredible story. Can't wait until it is finished. Brynn

Hi D J

The Play is very well written. It is a great short story as it stands. It will be interesting to see how you expand it to create a novel. Great concept.

backed
Pamela Frost
aka scatteredfrost
Houses of Cards

The Play - extremely engaging opening - (better than the pitch, which feels flat-ish) - nit picking - I'd like to see the roof sooner and more clearly - maybe even zooming in from above onto the sleeping boy who then wakes to the smell of bread? Watever- but the point is if I can see the roof then the rest of the scene is clearer, and therefore stronger.
Also you don't need to say recurring nightmare, etc - we get it.
And I feel you maybe fill in a little too much back story too fast??
But really this is v good, and of course a hugely compelling, (though well covered), premise.

Thanks for the read

Simon
The Soul of Charlie Marconi

DJ;

I enjoyed this as a short story. The pacing was solid, and the ending unexpected. I don't know if you should expand it, I thought it was very effective at it is written.

I could feel a theme running through it...that children often do things without understanding the consequences. The MC was worried about the consequences of one of the younger children calling the other by their name, thus the play. The young boy not understanding what the consequences of his jibe would be. The little girl, not understanding what the inevitable result of her cries at the end would be.

Reacting without thinking, with catastrophic results.

Well written and well done DJ;

Bob

i looked to 5 - I see - it is only the first piece you've written so far of this story. I think it's a very promising opening then. The plot you've hinted at will be strong enough with your MC to move it. The idea of the play is great and could be extended throughout. Build up the personalities of the twins if the three are going to last the course. Perhaps first para could be action rather than report of the action.
Well done, exciting
Rosalind
Good for Him
Twice Twisted

i looked to 5 - I see - it is only the first piece you've written so far of this story. I think it's a very promising opening then. The plot you've hinted at will be strong enough with your MC to move it. The idea of the play is great and could be extended throughout. Build up the personalities of the twins if the three are going to last the course. Perhaps first para could be action rather than report of the action.
Well done, exciting
Rosalind
Good for Him
Twice Twisted

DJ,
Very well written. It is tragic but it makes you want to continue reading to find out what happens to the children.
Backed,
Sofia, (The Lost Inheritance)

This story has great potential. The idea of Jewish children abandoned by their parents, living in the street in Belin during Nazi occupation (year unknown) is touching, and can go in many different directions. The characters are believable; the premise is excellent. Further, the story line in unique. Jesselowe

Please develop this into a full novel and soon. There is potential here that you really must exploit and there is so much of the past to draw on to feed your imagination.
You have made this first chapter so visual and the children's plight is moving. There is perhaps room for a flash back that will 'flesh out' the different events as they happened before the children met up. Sorry, your book! See, how you've inspired me already!
Only two things made me ponder for a moment. Would it be unusual for a Jewish child to be blonde? That I'm not sure about but as they are twins...and pig as in the animal would be spelt 'boar.'
Your clear uncomplicated writing style spells out this story with great strength. Keep writing! Backed. Margaret.

What a good plot. Reviewing shortly
Rosalind
Good for Him and
Twice Twisted

This is really well written with a great plot that shows the danger people encountered in the time of the Third Reich when fear was a major part of the Nazi regime. A very enjoyable read that I happily back due to good characters and intriguing plot. Could you possibly have a look at my manuscript The Sacred Pool.

Laurence

Yes do indeed continue, there is a big market out there for stories around this dredfull period of history.
everything is strange and frightning for the children at the moment
let them get more streetwise as they move on and perhaps start to outsmart the german soldiers in there escapades,
the pitch repeats itself at the start of the long pitch ie three children
hope that's of some help to you
good luck
tom 'From hugs to Kisses'

DJ, by all means expand this story to a full length book. It is rich with possibilities and your writing is very good. The premise is excellent: three children running for their lives. A great adventure for YA. Backed with enthusiasm.

Iva P.
Fame and Infamy

Dear Mr. Weisbeck,

I do have enjoyedyour workt, do not be shy, you have talent, fluid writing, i could see Gerd's reality like in a running movie, congratulations!.

Backed with pleasure,

well done!
Best regards,
Miguel

This is a very poignant piece of writing. The first 'serious' book I can remember reading as a kid was Ian Sereillier's Silver Sword. Something about your story reminded me of it.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

D.J: I read the first chapter only. Being a Jew, this appealed to me immediately. I do like the details, that vivid image that brings your story alive. You have to expand this into a novel. I would also just say reconsider those pitches. They can be better. Rewrite the short pitch and in the long pitch, end it with a question to hook your casual reader. You have competent writing so nothing to niggle you there on, so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

My opinion is that you should finnish this book. You write very well and your use of imagery is excellent. It's a good storyline and you are developing your characters well. Backed for the book's potential.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

This is very interesting. If it were on a book shelf, it is a novel I'd purchase. Well done, and I'll back it for you. Dave

You certainly know how to write. And there's such a wealth of material surrounding your subject, I'm sure you could incorporate it to make a full length novel.
You've already made it human by showing us through the eyes of the children a time we think we know about and proving to us we know very little at all. (Convoluted, hope you know what I mean.) It's almost unbearable to imagine children going through such things. You have the ability to write a book of great power. Backed this bit of it. Lynn

Great writing. The story could definitely go further. For instance. rather than telling the reader what happened with the twin's parents, you can show us to develop sympathy for their characters, tell us more about the twins as people before the war, and expand on how they met Gerd. Also, are we meant to conclude that the story ends with the children getting caught? You could probably write more about that. Hope that helps,

Dana
Life Under Water

I have to add my encouragement to those below. Your writing is really good and with a little tweaking your story could be outstanding. I agree with the first sentence it is a bit of a mouthful and as this is the most important line in the book it is worth playing around with it.

Good luck with it, your characterisation is very strong.
Melxxx
Impeding Justice

The Play
The premise is good enough to support a Scheherazade-style story and so is your writing. Go for it.

I had a few problems reading the excerpt:
The first sentence is quite a mouthful. If you want sentences to impress, as all opening sentences should, keep them short. I suggest: 'The smell of fresh bread rose from the street below. It drifted on the morning breeze to the roof where Gerd was hiding.'
Some later sentences have the same problem. Avoid doubling up adjectival phrases and practice reading your text out loud to ensure that it flows easily.
'The roof' is a problem for me. It implies Gerd is lying on tiles. Later it seems more likely that he's actually in the roof, (Im Dach nicht auf dem Dach) in what we would call the attic. 1930's Berlin tenement roofs were seldom flat but some had laundry drying areas, Perhaps you have a particular roof in mind; if so a more detailed scene-setting would be good.
The initial threat to the children's safety is that someone will learn their real names. I took this to be their family names as their forenames are perfectly normal German Christian names. Yet the tension-setter at the end of the chapter is that Ursula decides they are Jewish upon hearing Holger's name. That can't be. Perhaps it is the dislike of the taste of sausage which acts as the giveaway. If so that is far too subtle for most readers.
Apart from that, I concur with Karen's comments. What you (and all of us) need is someone (a family member with a good grasp of grammar) to early-read your text before posting.

Backed
Best wishes with the full-length version.

Alan Donaghue – Action!
Comments and possible backing welcome.

DJ,

This is an intriguing start, and I encourage you to continue it, either by filling in more of what went before, or by going on from where this ends (or both). Turning it into a novel or novella gives you the opportunity to give more details of setting and character and background. How does Gerd's life before contrast with his life now? How old is he? The premise of an older kid essentially adopting younger children and being responsible for keeping them all alive is both chilling and heartwarming at the same time. The danger is real, but make-believe is what keeps them safe. This is a little like "Life is Beautiful" in that sense. It would be interesting to have more of the play with just the three of them before Ursula becomes involved. What risks do they take, for what rewards? How have the twins gone from being a burden to Gerd to being all he has? Yes, there are all kinds of possibilities!

Overall, this is well written. I noted the following nitpicks for correction, mostly things the spellchecker would never catch:

". . . a mother that would leave her children." I would say "a mother who". "That" is usually used for inanimate objects and non-human animals. However, in this situation, perhaps she has behaved in a less-than-human fashion, in which case "that" is perhaps excusable.

". . . to young at eight-years-old . . ." You want "too". The hyphens are not needed here. You would hyphenate it if you said "two eight-year-old children."

Hyphenate compound adjectives: "tar-like appearance", "make-believe world".

"bath unnoticed" should be "bathe."

'What is it,' whined Bea. This is a question, so use a question mark instead of a comma.

I encourage everyone to spell out "all right", as this is still the preferred spelling and is less likely to peeve editors and some readers, at no cost to the writer.

"Gerd's concealed his relief." I'm not sure whether you wanted "Gerd concealed" or "Gerd's eyes (or something) concealed".

'Wait. I can get you food.' She offered. Change this to: 'Wait. I can get you food,' she offered.

It all seemed to easy -- thought Gerd. You want "too", and I think a comma would be less intrusive than a dash here. Because you say "thought", it's clear that this is internal monologue. But since it's Gerd's point of view, you might not need "thought Gerd" at all. The same is true later for ". . . for such a small amount of food -- he thought bitterly." This is a stylistic choice, not a grammatical one.

Ursula's face went beat red. You want "beet". (You use this twice. Is there another way to say it the second time?)

Holger sensed the food slipping out of his hands', Delete the apostrophe and replace the comma with a period.

. . . preparing to eat the roast pig having killed the witch. Insert a comma after "pig", or move "having killed the witch" earlier in the sentence, before "the hunter." I think ending with "roast pig" gives the sentence more punch, and clarifies the order of events, but it's your call.

"baited breath" should be "bated breath" (unless the breath smells fishy!)

Good luck with this, whatever way you take it!

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

Dear D J, I love that you shared your story - my heart goes out to people caught up in war & being mistreated & killed all over the world. Lord, have mercy. Thank you for sharing of a country I've never been & am not sure if I'd like to be. I'm so thankful i'm in California (by Disneyland). :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your pitch, which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book. :) "When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
additional authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs." :)

this is a good short story. in a way i think you have cheated by loading the piece several times to get in on here. on the other hand, i guess you want people to judge your writing. you can write. i do not know where you plan to go with this story, but if you want it as a short story- keep it that way. if you want to extend it into a novel, do that. or, maybe you could add other short stories of a similar theme to the book. which ever way you choose i wish you all the best, as i love short stories...on watchlist...
su dan..read SEASONS...

Hi, It certainly could be expanded to make a novel, but I'd work on it a bit a a short story first. The denouement didn't really make sense to me: what caused Ursula's out cry? It wasn't totally obvious.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON