Broken Before Use

BROKEN BEFORE USE
This is an interesting fantasy story. I like the way you begin with a confrontation: first against a mechanical sparring partner and then Jade. It’s obvious you’ve lived in this world for a long time by the way you’re able to describe your settings and your characters. Obin is feisty and very appealing. Liked him a lot (altho I thought in the beginning he was a girl because of his reference to the dolls – sorry). Either way, this should be very appealing to a young adult audience. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Two things:

Should it not be 'crashed TO the ground, not against?

If you glare ar something isn't your gaze fixed? You can glare AT but not around...

Apart from that, a smooth accomplished read. Well crafted and a good story - backed.

Really, really good. You're a talented writer. I hope you add more soon. Cliff hangers make me crazy! haha In a good way of course :) backed

Another good helping, ILA, keeps the reader hanging on for more. :)

Yup - the chapters live up to the pitch. I now want to know what Obin really is. BACKED.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

p.s. are phrases like mellow dramatic an intended pun of sorts or just a typo for melodramatic?

Broken before use.
Interesting title and the plot sounds intriguing. It will definitely appeal to YA readers.
Shouldn’t it be ‘grind’ to a halt?
I think you story would benefit from tightening. This would increase the pace.
Heavy sigh of frustration can she shortened to – frustrated sigh.
The following sentences convey the same information, but using fewer words.
I gave the thing a hard whack and it crashed to the ground. I gritted my teeth and grunted with annoyance as I kicked the wooden chasse. I hated being cut off in the middle of training.

“What are you doing?” I frowned.
You can’t really frown words. “What are you doing?” I asked with a frown.

You have an exciting story, but I think it would be even better if you went through it carefully and edited out unnecessary words.
Good luck with this one
Regards
Jan

excellent premise and executed flawlessly. lovely supernatural twist and hooks aplenty to keep us interested. excellent.

Well done, backed.
January

Another wonderful book by a terrific author.

Congratulations easily backed.
Melxx
Impeding Justice

Ila,

It's not often that a member's second book gets as much or more support than their first. Like you, I have two books uploaded. I know my second book would appeal to a broader audience, but my first book is a prequel, so I'm kinda stuck.

Rodney

Dear Ila, I love your story with the zombies & fantasty world :) - I'm just glad I'm not there. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your pitch, which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book. :) "When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
additional authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs." :)

backed :)

What you have posted so far is well written and well paced. Your use of imagery is excellent and the dialogue is crisp and realistic. Your descriptive writing style ensures that your story could have broad appeal with the YA audience. Backed for your book's potential.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning