Death & Magic

Dear Steve,

It is a pleasure to see a book on Authonomy which is so smoothly written and well-edited. Since it's already published, I think you're going to get limited use from comments here, but I'll try anyway.

I really got caught up in the story early, and you carried me all the way through. Adramal is a great main character, and the conflict is believable, the suspense generally good. I appreciate the way you keep the magic under control.

If one element of the story bothered me, it was her relationship with Perinar. In the first place, his character is only shown superficially, in spite of the fact that we see him so much. We don't get a really good idea of who he is and what motivates him. I was particularly disappointed in the letter he wrote her at the end (I've read the whole story) which didn't sound like a lover worthy of her at all. (Of course, that may have been your intention. We won't know until we get the sequel). Also, you missed the opportunity to create some tension through their "affair". It was so easy for them to get together, and there was such little action or sexual tension between them that after a while I started skipping through their "love scenes" to get back to the murder mystery.

If you want me to get really picky, I found your names difficult. I don't know if you have seen the research that says people read by first and last letters, and the letters in between can be mixed up any old way. In that respect, I found "Adramal" to be so close to "Admiral" that I never did get it straight. I think there's a limit to how imaginative you should get with names. Even in a fantasy world, they really need to sound like names. If you get too creative, they start looking like nonsense syllables, and they distract us from the story, rather than adding to its richness.

In general, though, I really enjoyed this book. I read it through at one sitting!

Gordon A. Long
"Sarasha the Lame"

Steven,
From your pitch I assumed Adramal to be younger than she actually was, and was pleasantly surprised at how acomplished and determined, she turned out to be. I read to the end of ch5 and found this very entertaining, with interesting characters (with names that roll off the tongue, which sometimes doesn't happen in fantasy) The plot is intriguing and Adramal's motivation for getting involved believable. Leslarin and her fear of the Mark adds another dimension, I'm imagining all kinds of reasons for that. A well written story which encourages the reader to continue. One question, from someone who doesn't read a lot of fantasy, Wizards can't use magic to kill...I get that, but could she not have used magic to replenish her funds? rated and on my W/L Best of luck with this.

Babs

Steven--

Great blend of mind imagination and pen.

This book will definitely pull every reader's interest to read and discover the mystery and the thrill in your story.
Your story furnishes us with a magnificient plot and fascinating characters. Characterization and narrative technique are polished. It is clear that you have put a great deal of effort into your writing, are committed to your content and serious about the development of your craft. What I like about Authonomy is that it allows writers, of all abilities, to share their work with other keen writers and readers, work that might not otherwise become published—and not necessarily for any reasons related to literary merit. I have backed your book since I felt that your efforts deserve my backing.
Best of luck with your writing.

FLETCH
STORIES FROM A LEAKING MIND

Hi Steven
I really like your idea of combining a wizard story with a murder/mystery thriller. It has a really great flow to it and you can find yourself half way through the chapters without realising it. I think you've also got the balance of language right for the genre. At first glance, people may think it's another Harry Potter but once you delve deeper, you can see this is quite an original idea with lots of great hooks and is a clever piece or work.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Not all wizard stories should be compared to HP< which was by no means the first "magic school" story and will not be the last. This has more intelligence that the Harry Potter novels, and drawing comparisons on such a theme-like basis is pointless. Here we have fresh, exciting characters, strong writing and an engaging premise.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

DEATH & MAGIC
I liked the way you begin this story by having Adramal heal someone with her magic; a good way to introduce she has such abilities without having to explain it. Overall, she’s a good character; she’s feisty yet sympathetic because she’s being sent away against her wishes. I think you’ll find a Harry Potter audience for this; it’s like that series in that your main character is a student of magic, yet different because your main character is female. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

great find, great read, well written, great characters ... oh its for sale ... i might have to buy a copy.

Steven,

I arrived at your work through the Alliance of Worldbuilders' thread. I noticed your name, and can only assume you are the same Steven Pemberton that frequents the B&A section of a certain website I am known to wander into, in fact the same person whom I was happy to see answered a question of mine on exposition only a couple of days ago. The virtual world is no bigger than the real one, it would seem.

Anyway, onto the comments. I've read the first two chapters thus far and what can I say? Absolutely superb. Though I do read and comment with an aim to encouraging others to return the favour, I do so equally for the enjoyment I gain from offering advice and constructive criticism. But with this I struggle to find anything that warrants such comments. Structurally it is spot-on. Dialogue and narrative; both perfect...If there is anything in terms of technical ability in here to criticise it is beyond my knowledge as a writer to see. I could perhaps argue for a touch more exposition (I do so like it) but is it really necessary? No.

There are but two minor points I can raise, both relating to believability (for want of a better term), and both in chapter 2. First, the small part that mentions the barge crew informing Adramal that the tavern is a place to gain information; she is familiar with taverns as a concept and so logic suggests she would determine the usefulness of such a place herself.
The other point is that you mention she has been warned against the consumption of alcohol, then shortly afterwards describe the beer she drinks as maltier than she is used to. Given the former, I'd assume she is not 'used to' any kind of beer.

That's all I offer, other than to say that this is going on my bookshelf and I shall certainly be finishing it. If I do see anything else I feel warrants a helpful comment, I will add another.

D M Sharples.

Dear Steve,

It is a pleasure to see a book on Authonomy which is so smoothly written and well-edited. Since it's already published, I think you're going to get limited use from comments here, but I'll try anyway.

I really got caught up in the story early, and you carried me all the way through. Adramal is a great main character, and the conflict is believable, the suspense generally good. I appreciate the way you keep the magic under control.

If one element of the story bothered me, it was her relationship with Perinar. In the first place, his character is only shown superficially, in spite of the fact that we see him so much. We don't get a really good idea of who he is and what motivates him. I was particularly disappointed in the letter he wrote her at the end (I've read the whole story) which didn't sound like a lover worthy of her at all. (Of course, that may have been your intention. We won't know until we get the sequel). Also, you missed the opportunity to create some tension through their "affair". It was so easy for them to get together, and there was such little action or sexual tension between them that after a while I started skipping through their "love scenes" to get back to the murder mystery.

If you want me to get really picky, I found your names difficult. I don't know if you have seen the research that says people read by first and last letters, and the letters in between can be mixed up any old way. In that respect, I found "Adramal" to be so close to "Admiral" that I never did get it straight. I think there's a limit to how imaginative you should get with names. Even in a fantasy world, they really need to sound like names. If you get too creative, they start looking like nonsense syllables, and they distract us from the story, rather than adding to its richness.

In general, though, I really enjoyed this book. I read it through at one sitting!

Gordon A. Long
"Sarasha the Lame"

Dear Steven,

I read your upload, immediately backed the book, then went on Smashwords and bought it. Is that a good enough endorsment? I'll be back with comments when I've finished the whole thing

Gordon Long
"Sarasha the Lame"

This is an excellent way to start a fantasy novel. You do a great job avoiding the infamous infodump by dropping your reader right into the world and giving subtle information through the events in the story, shaping the world around Adramal with ease. In the process, you introduce several questions that encourage your readers to keep going.

Adramal is a great character. There's a lot of solid characterization early on. I like the fact that her gift of sensing magic annoys her. This makes her easier to relate to. I'm also fascinated by the voice in her head. Seeing things from two perspectives ought to make for an interesting story. Her attitude toward her father is something most teens will be able to connect with as well.

I like that you take us through the process of summoning magic. So many novels it involves just a flick of the wrist or a simple thought and it's there. I like the fact there's more to it, some level of strain.

You write with a strong voice, especially when Lelsarin is sharing her thoughts. I particularly liked the line, "Probably another of the village girls has found out the hard way how babies are made." I wonder if there are more opportunities to work in this humorous voice?

While the first chapter isn't the most exciting I've read, there's enough here to keep a reader interested. I like the foreshadowed conflict with the Church of Mathran and the whole idea of a new school for wizards. I also like the conflict between Adramal and her father. There's obvious tension there, yet he appears to love her. This looks to be an intriguing subplot.

There is some very accomplished, polished writing in this. I typically keep track of suggestions and typos, and by the time I reached the end of chapter one, I had almost nothing written down.

Suggestions: This is so well done, my only suggestions are nitpicky. Is "impassively" necessary? Is there a better way to end chapter one? Maybe a stronger hook? A major revelation? Right now I want to read on because the storyline and writing is so strong, but you might consider a stronger hook for the more reluctant reader (we all know there are a lot of them in the target audience).

This is an outstanding, polished opening. I could easily see this being published, and I'm curious to see where this is going. While I can see people making the connection between this and Harry Potter due to the school for wizards, the similarities end there. This isn't anything like Harry Potter. Highly rated and recommended! I'll be back for more.

On a side note, I prefer the new title over the old one. Nice choice!

Hi Steven

I spotted your book on the shelf of another writer and was intrigued by the pitch. Whilst the genre is now familiar, this seemed fresh and lively. Just the right amount of intrigue to make the reader want to read on more. I am presuming at this stage that Leslarin is Adramal's familiar....or is this part of her own psyche? Anyway, she adds another dimension, though whether friend or foe, it's difficult to say at the moment.

Good luck
By the way, perhaps you would care to take a glance at Marking Time, a satire on the English Education system, with an otter.

Crispy

Hi Stephen,

Greta short pitch and an even better synopsis. We tend to compare the narrative to Harry Potter which is actually not fair on you, but then you have captured the reader's imagination and that counts more. There are many names like Tagahra, Lelsarin and Marik and places like Kyturil which are unfamiliar to me and tough to follow but I take them for face value and am sure things will become clear as I read on.

If it were made into a movie, half the screenplay is already done. Such descriptions need to be commended.
For now I have starred it highly and placed it on my WL.
Soon to be backed. (I have a suggestion: the cover could be re-done.)

All the best.

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

Hi Steven,
I read the first five chapters of this enchanting story. Magical is the word I would use. This is nothing like Harry Potter, it has its own flavour which is distinct and intriguing. From the get to we are introduced to not one but two main characters within one. I have never read a book with the MC being two seperate characters. A very novel idea. I liked both of them and think this provides some real depth and insights to the inner working of both Adramal and Leslarin.
The plot of the murders leads this away from being just pure fantasy with a mystery to solve. Opening the narrative up for lovers of other genres. The writing for me flowed nicely with the right mix of descriptions to paint a vivid picture without boring me with finer details that are often irrelevant to the story.
I am happy to shelve this in the coming weeks, I think this deserves to go far, you are obviously an accomplished writer with a great story to tell, I don't know what the publishers are waiting for.
Great Job,
Cheers Jacoba- I don't star anymore, but for what its worth this would definitely get 6.

I read the first six chapters. The story shows nice imagination and originality. I’m not a reader of fantasy, so it took me a little to get into as the pace is quite relaxed. My favourite parts were the descriptions of the spells and how Adramal was able to “see” them – not something I’ve seen done in this way before: the spell on the cell in the prison, the magic method of healing, and the invisible ink spell. The story was most interesting in the interrogation scene in Ch.4, although I wasn’t left with a burning interest in the mystery of the murders after it. Maybe a little more information about the murders, their significance and remaining threat might help. I must admit I am not a fan of Harry Potter (which this has been compared to), but I found this more interesting. (Not sure if that’s a good or a bad sign as I’m clearly a rubbish judge!)
This is the third book on here that I’ve read with a second mind inside the MC’s head. What makes this one interesting is that she is secretive and uncooperative.
I spotted a couple of minor mistakes. In Ch.3 a para from Ch.1 is repeated: “The thing looked and sounded ...” A typo in Ch.6: “got used to horse’s rhythm” should be “got used to the horse’s rhythm”.
Good luck with this

Hi Steven! What more can be said about your engaging, flowing, work that hasn't already been said? This is a highly polished gem! Adramal is a fabulous protagonist and I think anyone with an affinity for fantasy would be eager to keep turning to pages to uncover her story. I know I am! Shelved, highly rated and the best of luck for this excellent story. I'm looking forward to reading on. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

The Wizard’s Daughter Steve Pemberton


Hi Steve, here is my Alliance of Worldbuilders crit. The usual disclaimers apply, it’s just my deranged ramblings so ignore anything you don’t like.

Not that there is likely to be much here. I liked the short pitch. I did think that the long pitch could come down by half the size, but that’s just me.

This is a well written, imaginative work. As soon as the words magic and school are linked, the shade of Harry Potter lumbers to mind, but your work is far from that. Your dialogue felt natural, and the characters were immediately believable, with real and understandable emotions. The magical side to the characters comes out naturally, without forced effort.

I had only a few niggles. Adramal – I couldn’t easily fix her age in my head, as her behaviour slipped a bit from young to mature too quickly. The ‘Council’ could do with a little elucidation. Who are they, and what power do they hold over the community? Is that power over magical and non magical alike?

When Adramal is sent off, she has little money. Should she not become worried out that on the barge? Why is she sent off without explicit directions on how to reach the other school? And why is she not properly warned about the priests and their dangers before she goes?

Why does the City Watch, which seems to have legal rights and powers even with the priests, not interfere with the questioning of a minor and insist that her claim of being newly arrived be considered at once? When accused of being complicit in the murders, why does Adramal not make more of her recent arrival, and more of her being a healer?

I would have liked a few more hints over Lelsarin as well. Clearly not everyone has an extra person living inside them ( well, I do but I’m not supposed to!), and a few dark hints as to her genesis and purpose wouldn’t go amiss.

These are only minor points though. Your writing flowed well, and the descriptions fitted the genre well, creating a tension from the start. My only real complaint would be that as this doesn’t feel like a YA work, a bit more darkness wouldn’t go amiss.

Your length seems spot on, and I hope that the query letters have been going out.

A nice work.

Will

... I cried... oh, why did he have to leave?!
I quite liked the end though. A bit of a twist on the happy ending - even though it wasn't much of a 'happy' ending, was it?
This is a brilliant story. It grabbed me in its magical iron fist and I didn't move from my laptop for five hours reading it! Adramal's an excellent character, and everything's pieced together beautifully. It's gripping from start to finish. The mystery's great - you never give too much away at one time, and I totally never thought of it being... who it was ;) I won't give it away, don't worry! I LOVE Leslarin. She's such a good idea, absolutely classic. The different Gods are good and the dark Zorian intrigues me... you never really get to the bottom of him... and he's never actually involved... how annoying! But such a smart idea at the same time. Hooks in abundance.

Love. This.
SHELVED!!!

Amy
x

Steven,
Have read the whole 45 chapters. I like the world you have created and the characters. I do have one teeny weeny little niggle and that is a woman would never ever wish she was a man. (unless she was actually a man in a womans body). The idea that because of period pain a woman would wish that is acutally quite insulting and obviously what men think that we go through is a 'nothing' and we shouldn't moan.....
sorry for the mini rant there but it was so out of character for your main character to spout and what kind of message does that send to your audience? Seriously you need to change that.
Apart from this i could see this being a multi part series very easily.
:)
Diane

good story, written well. effective,story-telling style writting, fluid too... we've had harry potter, but this different...this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

A WIZARD'S DAUGHTER

COVER: Hm...well...its graphic but doesn't really convey much of anything specific. Cartoon sun? pointy ring? Ship steering wheel? The font is v basic and could use a little magic. With your illustration skills I'm surprised not to see one of your figures on this?

TITLE: Its okay...not a huge draw but I think for YA it might be alright...still not a title that says "PICK ME UP!"

SHORT PITCH: Good! Has me moving into the LP to see what else is in store.

LONG PITCH: not crazy about the name Adramal...especially for a girl/female...it sounds male to me. Other than that...I think this is also v good, although I'm not sure it says YA to me enough.

TEXT:

Reflexively - wc?

I like the setup you've done here, but I'm wishing for more...pizzazz really. As an opener I kind of feel like...okay so she's off on an educational romp to a land her father doesn't really want her to go. So far I know she can make a ball of light and has some skills at protecting herself but...yes...I mean...why do I really care about this girl?
I'm sort of interested in her skills developing but the place she's heading...doesn't have a great mystery, nothing to really make me feel "cool, she's going there? yes, I bet that'll be fun to read about as she develops her skills"
I kind of want her to show her father how great she can be but well...not hugely so either. I don't know...maybe it needs a playful pet addition? Or something that shows a stumbling over her great skills?

I really enjoyed your bonus materials...the 3D map is fun! What did you use to make it I wonder? Bryce? And I returned to look at your analog illustrations you did for you other books = really terrific. I wish you had some for WD!

Best of luck Steven!
-=Bradley

This isn't my usual genre at all, but I'm enjoying the story so far. While I was reading your pitch I kept thinking "Harry Potter" but your novel is almost a completely different subsection of fantasy. As you pointed out, I have empty slots on my shelf and you've earned the last available one :P I wish you all the best with your writing!

Tayla
The Hunt for Taylor Mason

Hey Steven. Here to return the read. As always, take with a pinch of salt and use only what strikes a chord.

Chapter 1. This is a great start. You reveal Adramal’s uneasy relationship with her father very cleverly. And I already feel I know a bit about the magic in your world, without having it shoved in my face. Good stuff.

I couldn’t help feeling, though, that it all seemed very short notice. Adramal goes from knowing nothing about the scheme to being packed off that very day. Even if she’s glad to get away, I’d expect her to be a bit more annoyed or at least confused by such a sudden displacement. Doesn’t she have friends who she’d want to say goodbye to? (If not then you might want to hint at the fact that there’s nothing to keep her there at all – but even so, she might wonder why it all has to be done so quickly.) Also I got a bit confused by the fact that her father says goodbye to her, and she to him, before she’s packed. Maybe show him leaving the house again, because he can’t bear to hang around? Otherwise presumably he’d still be there while she was packing, which is a bit awkward given that they’ve already had an emotionally charged farewell.

Chapter 2. I was pretty surprised by the fact that Adramal would go off so readily to an inn with a strange man. In the first chapter she seemed pretty self-possessed and competent, but even so, I’d expect more hesitation and doubt. It’s a dangerous decision to make, after all – unless her magic is such that she can defend herself against anything he might throw at her? But she is still an apprentice, so she can’t be fully powerful yet. Also, doesn’t she want to get on and find the school, go where she’s meant to be going? I just feel more explanation of her actions is needed here. What is it that makes her trust the first person she meets?

Loved the whole exchange around the beer :-)

OK, now it turns out she doesn’t even know where the school is. Her old teachers certainly don’t seem very concerned about her wellbeing – they haven’t given her any useful information at all! That doesn’t seem right to me. If they want her to move away to fulfil her potential without her father trying to force her down his own path, I’d expect them to take more care of her – tell where to go and what to do.

Ouch. Good ending to the chapter. It’s obviously much more dangerous around here than Adramal was led to believe. Maybe the Church of Mathran hasn’t weakened after all …

Chapter 3. I like Lelsarin. Intriguing.

Overall I really enjoyed this chapter. Lots of action, with more gradually being revealed about magic and its properties. And the ending is a great hook for turning over to Chapter 4 (because I want to find out how he knows her name). But I’m still feeling uneasy about the way Adramal seems to have just been cast off in a strange place without any guidance whatsoever, which doesn’t sit well with the ‘it’s for your own good’ feeling I got from chapter 1. Maybe I’m missing the point – not sure.

Chapter 4. Ah, not so supernatural after all – he just read the letter of introduction :-)

Excellent stuff. I’m really getting into it now. The interrogation and the subsequent conversation with Tagahra are both good scenes. I would say, though, that I’m not really feeling enough from Adramal, given that she is adrift in a strange place and has just been locked up and questioned about a series of murders in quite a brutal way. I’d like a bit more emotion from her, not on the surface but underneath (she must be feeling let down by her superiors, confused, scared, indignant, maybe even a bit homesick despite the fact she wanted to leave …). Still, it may be just my personal preference.

Altogether, I liked this a lot. Your writing is smooth and error-free, and the story is interesting enough to make me want to keep reading (which I will endeavour to do, if I can make the time).

Wow, your book is really great. It's well written and extremely interesting. I'm so glad my friend David asked me to take a look at it.

Well written dialogue, sets the scene and shows the characters' emotions nicely.

Hello fellow YA writer. 'The thing at the bottom of her mind rose to the surface......' some great images here. It's so hard to write fantasy in an original way, especially where wizards are involved, but I think you've done it here. need to read more than the first chapter. Will comment again.
Cariad
STONES.

Great voice! I love the opening scene too, which pulls us write into the story. I love when Adramal says, "That's like calling the snow a bit cool." GREAT LINE!!! You really are an exceptional writer. I love the way you set up an immediate world of magic and spells. I'm not a fan of your MC's name, which I tell you only because I am totally honest (it feels a bit boyish to me and confused me at first who was who.) However, I understand names of characters are such personal things. I'm sure it would get easier to read the name with time, though.
Good luck with this book. It deserve to do well. It's shelves and I'm happy to sprinkle it with all the stars authonomy will allow!

Hello,

First, thank you for the advice you gave me on YahooAnswers today. I'm quite glad that you gave me the link to your piece. It's very impressive. I'm certainly going to continue reading the piece! It's truly (and I'm a harsh judge) one of the best works I've read since I joined a few days ago. I especially liked your comparisons about the snow and Adramal's relationship with her father and the one about the two suns. So far this is an exceptional piece! Keep up the good work!

~Jamie Darrach

I started to read your book. I currently put you on my watchlist.
Debbie Kirts- Dragonslayers (book 1)

Steven,

I started reading and my mind could not stop thinking about what could happen in the next chapters. I'd thought for some strange reason that Adramal is maybe fourteen, but this isn't a normal fourteen year old talking. This is new and refreshing like another world has opened. Rated and on my W/L. Wish you luck!

Penny
The Glass Serpent

Stephen, I've now finished nine chapters. As you know my writing skills are limited and my ability to critique others writing virtually non-existant. However, I do know a good story when I read one and this definitely qualifies. Will read more later.
David

Steven,
From your pitch I assumed Adramal to be younger than she actually was, and was pleasantly surprised at how acomplished and determined, she turned out to be. I read to the end of ch5 and found this very entertaining, with interesting characters (with names that roll off the tongue, which sometimes doesn't happen in fantasy) The plot is intriguing and Adramal's motivation for getting involved believable. Leslarin and her fear of the Mark adds another dimension, I'm imagining all kinds of reasons for that. A well written story which encourages the reader to continue. One question, from someone who doesn't read a lot of fantasy, Wizards can't use magic to kill...I get that, but could she not have used magic to replenish her funds? rated and on my W/L Best of luck with this.

Babs

Not bad, but I wished there was more stuff related to the magic system. In the later chapters the magic felt sparse, to the point where it was almost irrelevant. I like my magic to be relevant and intrinsic to the fantasy I read, but that's just me.

Just reached the end of chapter two and I am hooked on the book.

Hello - seal from Y!A :) Great story, though I thought it might be good to add a little bit more about Leslarin, I thought she was interesting enough but I don't think it was ever really explained why she reacted so much to the mark, and how she got there in the first place. Also wondering what happened to Leslarin at the end.
It's too bad Perinar left :o, it seemed kind of abrupt and maybe a bit unnecessary (was it supposed to be?). Might be just me though.
Anyway it was a wonderful read :), backed it.

Mr. Steven, you are exposing a world of darkness before reader. Apart from the usual attractions of novels you have a unique elegance to attract and keep alive readers. You are explaining series of brutalities without loosing reality.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

Great tag line in the short pitch- instant attention!

A WIZARD'S DAUGHTER: STEVEN J. PEMBERTON

Hi Steven,
You certainly have an appetite for imagination as you set the path for Adramal to embark on a quest for adventure! The story is engaging and highlights a good amount of description and spell binding twirls through a story line that has one wrapped up for more. I can imagine this would be a lovely welcome for the youth category of readers indeed!

Backed and shelved!

Romilla
Forgetting Sally

A WIZARD'S DAUGHTER
This book had a great deal of imagination.
Reader's will want and be interested to discover the mystery and the thrill in your story.
Your tale gives us a magnificient plot and equally some fascinating characters. Characterization and narrative technique are polished and you have put a great deal of effort into your writing. A gem of a find.
I have backed your book since I felt that your efforts deserve my backing.
Best of luck.

Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

An interesting read and ideas. I shall read more later when I have time. Backed for now.

A good blend of imagination, vivid scenes and splendid narration.

Clever idea, a nice blend of imagery, magical stuff and authenticity. A good read.

A Wizard's Daughter - In the first chapter the reader discovers Adramal's relationship with her father is an uneasy one. Very good that you have used what parents so often do, projecting their own expectations onto their child without considering what their child wants or if they have to ability to achieve what is required. Adramal is bundled off to a new school with little ceremony because of disruption caused by father/daughter, which must be fraught as she willingly accepts this edict but the reader has no clue what this disruption to the school is. In chapter two Adramal is more than a little naive. She's been told that a new school for wizards has come into being in defiance of the Headquarters of Mathran, yet she toodles off without any qualms, with the first person she comes across who hands her over to some unpleasant people who have magic of their own. Lelsarin, who I assuming, is Adramal's alta ego encourages her to escape from a locked cell and has apparently on previous occasions given good advice. Doubtless as the tale progress the reader will learn more of this character.
There is some lovely writing, for example: 'That's like calling snow cool.' The pace is quick, the setting in a wizarding school could be likened to he who shall not be named, but the author has a clever twist to his story. Adramal, in addition to having a number of magic tools (spells) at her disposal, is to be a sleuth come undercover agent and it is this combination I think young adults would enjoy together with the voice, tone and tale on offer.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

43-45: that rat ba****d!! i knew he was too good to be true! there has to be something more???? a book 2 maybe??? *puppy dog eyes glistening!

i still like tagahra, i think the offer in 45 is awesome!

steven, you've created a wonderful world of mystery and magic i would visit again and again. =D thank you for sharing it.

me

This is a bit like JKR meets Umberto Ecco, combining the best of both.

Not my genre, but the juxtaposition of the these two themes makes for an enthralling read. The writing is adept and drives a compelling storyline.

In terms of nits, I agree with some other reviewers that words could be culled here and there, especially at the end of sentences when you are striving to make something clear to a reader that they have already assimilated from the preceding clause.

I hope the Potter association won't put off prospective readers as they will be missing out.

Backed.

Terry

41/42: DUDE!!!! *jaw drops in disbelief! i don't know if it's true or not but DUDE really?!

okay a little loss for words. wow! (talking about end of 42 just so you know.)

me

39/40: the one person who could answer her questions had to die. this is getting nail biting exciting! i can't wait to find out who the murderer is!

me

Steven,

I read three chapters and this is very good, one of the best pieces of YA fantasy that I've read here in a while.

I had but a couple of observations:

--a minor point but in your first sentence I found '. . . and relaxed, seeking a calm place within her mind.' a little wordy and wondered whether 'and relaxed' couldn't be omitted.

--mor significant, the pitch, to my mind may lead people to expect another Harry Potter knoc-off, and this isn't that, not at all, I'd look to avoid any points of comparison if at all possible.

But the writing is superb, very easy to read and engaging. This is the sort of YA I'd happily read myself.

Backed with pleasure

37/38: i don't know if Perinar is the naivest boy in the world or the most devious super villain!

me

Didn't see any other typos in chapter 22, but I wanted to take this time to mention your plot. It's moving along nicely, your build up is great, and you drop just enough ways for MC to get closer to finding leads, which makes me feel like there's going to end up being another murder soon.
Excellent job ^___^
~Z

Okay, I've gotten through chapter 21, and I'm hating the bully even more know than ever >< Still think the younger apprentice is kinda sorta a sneak, but LOVING the story =D
Also, in chapter 21 there is a typo. I was surprised when I found it to be honest, your work is both top notch, and I get so involved I don't even notice typos if they are there.
It's just after dinner, I think, the MC ha just gotten her book from the servant. She asks younger apprentice when the teachers eat, he tells, and then she asks him to show her around. They get to talking, and then they go up a stair to look at the layout.
What you have: "There are all sorts of strange theories about those are for," he said. "My guess is there used to be some..."
Typo: there should be a 'what'. --> 'there are all sorts of strange theories about what those are for,'

I actually had misread it the first time round, I didn't see the missing 'what' and instead I was reading the second part of the younger apprentice's words wrong and thought the 'there' was the wrong one, but I was wrong XD
Moving on to more chatpers >>
~Zero

A Wizard's Daughter - An excellent first chapter. Shelved. I'm reading on. The writing is very good, and although the pitch brought to mind other work, you have gone off on an original tangent, a plot that promises many surprises to come and a hook on the end of chap one that makes me want to hurry with this comment so I can return. As far as constructive criticism goes - you might want to take another look at the structure of a couple of your sentences. 'Someone in Kyer Altemar has established another school for wizards.' could possibly read 'Another school for wizards has been established in Kyer Altemar.' [Maybe personal taste-I have an aversion to 'Someone' , and besides, it seems unlikely an individual 'someone' would be establishing a school for wizards.] Another sentence I find objectionable is 'Father opened his mouth to speak, and then seemed to think better of it.' I don't like 'seemed to' - why not 'but thought better of it.' Anyway-I'm going back for more of this right now.

G.
Einstein's Road Trip [I would like very much to see your take on Einstein if your time allows. Thanks.]

With the first chapter, the scene is set for a travel adventure for Adramal the apprentice. Wizardry, healing and spells will keep the reader rivetted to the page. And so will the hint of someone inside her mind. Good or bad? The reader will need to continue to find out.

The story is beautifully written. I'll back this with pleasure.

Francene. Still Rock Water. (Take a peek at Liliha's mind travel.)

Only two chapters in and "A Wizard's Daughter" has me entranced! Love the concept, love the cover, love Adramal.

Backed with pleasure!
Justis Call
Prestidigitations

Terrific pitch - on my WL for sure!

Justis Call
Prestidigitations