Prygon: The Circle of Dark Magic

Adventure of a girl is really unimaginable. Apart from usual adventure stories in which male characters are playing crucial roles, you have selected a female and place her on the vital position. Her pains on searching are touching our mind. Your characterization is at any rate deserving applauds.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildlife

Dear Kirsty,
I just love how your brothers talk to each other! Very charming language that is so much like how real siblings act. dimwit - numskull - greedy lump -This is a sweet book!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Please excuse the following message if I’ve already sent it to you. Sometimes I get confused! Thanks.

Here is your chance to get a double backing. My friend, homewriter, and I have similar taste in writing and trust each other's judgment. Back my book and leave it on your bookshelf. Then do the same for his, "The Harpist of Madrid." Once the backings register, he will give you a return backing guaranteed. Just let him know in an email that you've backed my book as well as his. You might have to be a bit patient as we're 6 time zones apart. But you'll have two backings guaranteed on your excellent book. Of course, comments are always welcome too!

A nice and easy read, character description would help to brighten up this interesting story, though not too much at once, a reference here and there would do.

Backed as promised.

I like the lumpy green head and the disgusting liking for beetles. You take us swiftly into your world and keep us there.
Polly
STONES.

Very interesting unique story. I really enjoyed your writing.

I might suggest a couple things...theres not much description of the 2 main characters, Belle and Richard, at least not in the first 2 chapters. What do they look like, how old are they, what kind of clothes are they wearing? All these things give the reader a better picture as to why I should be interested in these characters and their surroundings. Same thing in the first chapter with Skunk and his brother. The only descriptive thing you included about them was the mention of a green head. So we're left to wonder, what kind of creatures are they? Is their skin green or just their hair?

Also in that first meeting with the beast and Platen, at first he's referred to as this dark man, and then out of the blue, you mention the name Platen in the narrative as if the reader is expected to know exactly who that is from the get-go. Maybe you could introduce his name somewhere in the dialogue instead, otherwise it may be a little confusing for some.

All in all, I think its a really great story, an intriguing and exciting adventure thats well-written and magical!
Good luck!

Donna
(the many adventures of syd and sparkle)

Dear Kirsty
I know I have already said this
but I love the book cover and also the
Long pitch, I still have not read all your book., I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

Loving this Kirsty! Great work.

I like the dialogue
Backed
Lenny Harry
(Like a dot on the horizon)

Don't know if I have backed this bofore, but I want to say how much I loved it.

BACKED WITH PLEASURE

Hope you get the chance to peek insside The Russian Hat.

warm wishes
Brendan

An exciting children's story that intrigues from the start. Belle is a 'real' character and I like the fact that she bites her nails and has normal, everyday thoughts. We're straight into the action with the thunder storm and the intruder - fantastic stuff!

Backed with pleasure x

A couple of small observations:

'Now let's get moving towards the city of Carston' - sounds a little clunky, I'd delete 'the city of' and just say: 'Now let's get moving to Carston'

Chapter 1 - repetition: 'beginning to feel unnerved' and then 'unnerved by the surprise visit'.

'... cut through us like butter' - butter doesn't cut. Might be better to say, 'like a knife through butter'

Hi Kirsty

I like the idea of this - full on romance-fantasy - great! And for some reason Henry the apprentice sorcerer strikes me as a delicious hero. If only we all had a Henry in our lives!

Some small points:

consistent tenses: "he must realise their journey was more important" etc
style: Elmore Leonard's 10 rules for writing: never use any word other than "said" for dialogue. I know that one is hard to stick to, but I found it helpful.
confusion: New para after "ounce of guilt" and say who it is who isn't feeling an ounce of guilt, otherwise it sounds like it's Kerne
typo: there's a stray speech mark after "numbskull"
natural speech: use contractions like "I'm", rather than "I am"
exposition: "let's get moving towards the city of Carston" - this sounds like the author explaining the situation to us, rather than Skunk talking to Kerne
spelling: "route to survival"

Nice touches of humour and realistic depiction of sibling relations. Backed.

Nicole (Chosen)

Kirsty,

Full of thrill, adventure and Magic.
I read your work and left me entertained with a sudden sensation of excitement. The plot is fresh and unique compared to the magical books I have had before. The characters are weaved to the story line that makes every detail believable. Narrative style is simple but comprehensive since it does not confuse the reader. I am surprised at the range of writers who have published their works on Authomony. Many masterpieces on this site would not be out of place in High Street book shops. I think that it is more a reflection of the state of the publishing industry these days, rather than a reflection on the quality of the writing, that so many talented writers find that their work is not taken up by publishers.
I will back your work as I feel that your efforts deserve it. Take care and good luck to your writing career.

FLETCH
STORIES FROM A LEAKING MIND

Kirsty -

Prygon: The Circle of Dark Magic - I like the cover, and the title. The story starting out with Belle being bored, I wondered if something stronger could be at work to give us a glimpse of her character. The Kindom of Carston is haunted by a dark history, this intrigues. Who is Platen who wants the throne back with a vengance?
Jeraldon, a kind of Gandalf? And Shunk who is embarrassed about his brothers behaviour, gnashing beetles between his teeth, yuk. Is Kerne going to be an accidental hero? So you weave strands that spread and seek binding. At you next edit you might tighten, sculpt out repetitions, bring more immediacy to the dialogue. There is a gripping adventure in the making. I wish the story well.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

hullo Kirsty. this reads like a neat story in the making. I hope that Richard and Belle stay safe until the evil one can be overcome. Very good. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

this sounds very interesting :)

Hi Kirsty. Can I start out by saying that your first chapter is a little heavy on the information side and the multitude of names but apart from that this is excellent stuff.

The relationship between Skunk and Kerne is a great foundation for such a story. Most prologues are unnecessary egos of the author but yours sets a plain level from which the rest can spring.

I am both a father and teacher of English and on both counts I would have been glad to have this book on my shelf at home.

BACKED with pleasure.

I liked the story and with a little final editing it will be fine. The cover was great and the pitch drew me in.
Backed - Plagarma

Neat. I'd put the target group a bit younger. 8-12. Depends what you do with the end. Bcked.
Rick
Some Time Before the Massacre

I think you have a potentially engaging and interesting story. There were a few items, however, that I noticed while reading.
There are several grammar errors that make some parts of the story confusing.
I was also confused because of the name changes of some of the characters, especially of Platen and Diabolus.
Other than that you have a good read. Backed

Julie
I would love for you to have a look at my book, which is also a young adult fantasy.

I think you have a potentially engaging and interesting story. There were a few items, however, that I noticed while reading.
There are several grammar errors that make some parts of the story confusing.
I was also confused because of the name changes of some of the characters, especially of Platen and Diabolus.
Other than that you have a good read. Backed

Julie
I would love for you to have a look at my book, which is also a young adult fantasy.

Kirsty,

Returning your read. As regards your first question, I didn't read the original prologue so can't compare, but this one works nicely.

My only thought is where you start the fourth paragraph with 'he' you might want to consider using 'Skunk', as at the moment the initial impression is that Kerne--the last named character--doesn't feel any guilt, and I don't think that's what you mean.

As age appropriatness, I have a 13 year-old and I think this is at the sort of level he might read, but bottom end. So I'd be thinking 10-13 or similar (I'm no expert though, just a parent judging on limited experience).

It's easy to read you balance, action, narrative and dialogue. All in all an amusing story told with a mix of drama and humour.

Backed.

Well written and great pitch.
Dawn,
My Friends and Me

This is good and I liked Belle, but maybe her in the prologue first
Reminds me of girly adventures

k.j. fletcher

I like the prologue. Good intro.

El
Reckless Scarlett

What can I say? It deserve every single comment here. I simply say it is fascinating. backed

Shah

Thanks for sharing your story. Fantasy always catches my attention. I also love stories about castles and that time period. Well done!

Backed with pleasure:)

T.L. Doutrich
Lilly and Thomas, Throne of Pidl

I would probably have enjoyed this when I was in your target age range.

You need to work on your dialogue - a lot of it is stiff and unnatural, particularly that of Belle, Richard, Skunk and Kerne. Jeraldon sounds about right. He reminds me of William Hartnell (the first actor to play the Doctor in Doctor Who).

I wondered why the people executed Mary, but "merely" banished Leopold (leaving him somewhere that they thought he would die). Was it because he was King, or because he was still a child, or some other reason? Not that it would've made a lot of difference if they had beheaded him... death seems to be merely an annoyance for the bad guys here.

As a 9 year old, I would have loved this! It is always amazing to me how a writer like you can invent a whole new world, and somehow we, the readers, very quickly feel at home in it. This is told like a fairy tale, but with an easier, more modern approach, which makes the reader able to really identify with Belle. As for the beginning chapter, I guess Skunk and Kerne are like your Rosencranz and Guildernstern, and seem to be a mirror on the events? I liked the beginning, though I don't know what it was like before. But I am backing this :)

This is the kind of book I would have picked up as a kid based on title and presentation. (Nice cover, great premise) And the story does not disappoint. You seem to express the POV characters well, which makes it easy to submerge in the story as a believable tale.
Happy to back this.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

the prologue and first chapter are good, but in my opinion you could place the introduction of skunk and friend later when they come into play into the story.
i have one comma nitpick: you need to place commas where a character speaks the name to another character directly in dialogue. i.e. "please let me Agnosta, . . ." should read "please let me, Agnosta, . . ." if you talk about a person in dialogue then the name does not need to be set off.

this is a good beginning. good luck with this.

me

...city appeared darker than (usual), almost as if...

‘Why is he always mocking me?’... thought Belle. –I think the tag that indicates she’s thinking this to herself should come before the dialogue/thought.

‘Get back!’—I think you need to get to this scene sooner. There’s almost too much foreshadowing in the beginning, ex) the eerie nature of the storm was reiterated too many times. How she’s so certain she saw something, then you take away the suspense/the suspicion by confirming it.

The prologue didn’t really do much for me. I think you could cut it and just start with Belle and the storm.

I’m missing the sense of calm when he pulls the splinter out. If someone runs into a bank and shoots a bullet into the ceiling and shouts for everyone to get down on the floor, is the mother with her child going to lean over and say “Ooops, you’ve got a paper cut. Here, let me put a band aide on that for you right now...” Total break in momentum.

‘Come away from the corner my Prince and Princess. ... You are the Prince and Princess of Carson?”—Why would he doubt himself when he just called them by their titles a second ago?

Diabolus—not really an original name.

If you keep the prologue, I think it makes the novel younger. Belle’s fear of the storm makes her seem more juvenile than maturing young adult. The storm opening also drags a little. You might want to shorten.

Lovely stuff...I'm no expert so I can't really comment on the nuts & bolts, all I will say is that I've had some negative feedback because I have a Prologue.
Backed with pleasure. Good Luck.
Frank.
You may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book.

I like how this opens. It's quick to build character and it's an entertaining read.
I took a quick look through the other comments made and I really think you've got some good feedback there.
There is little for me to add other than good luck and backed! Hope you'll return the favour.
David
Bailey of the Saints

THE CIRCLE OF DARK MAGIC

I preferred the prologue you've uploaded as Chapter1. I liked the introduction of Skunk and his brother. They're amusing and colourful and give the reader some insight into who is attacking the city. There's indication that the royals are cin danger. This is significant because we meet the royal children in the first chapter. The other prologue gives us more detail of the history etc but I think it might overface many children or YAs, whereas the Shunk scene will drawn them in. You can always introduce information from the other prologue in small amounts later in the story.
The first chapter (chapter 3 in your upload) introduces Belle and her brother Richard. Their fear of the storm brings them together and we learn a little about their relationship as they talk. Already I've a preference for Belle; Belle finds Richard annoying sometimes and therefore so do I ! We learn Belle longs to have more freedom and Richard resents his father always working for the kingdom. We know them well enough that when they are attacked, we care about them and want them to survive. Just a few points in respect of dialogue between the children. It might improve the flow if you used less tags, because we can usually tell who is speaking. Also if you do use a tag, "said" is often less intrusive to the flow. Thirdly, would it be clearer if you put Belle's thoughts in italics instead of quotation marks?
In the middle of the chapter, you move outside the castle to Auster. It might be better to give extra spacing instead of writing "Meanwhile..." Just my opinion, but to me "meanwhile" smacks of "Meanwhile back at the ranch..." Otherwise the attack and the fight scene is good and exciting. We're also introduced to Jeraldon and Angosta who we soon realise are brave and loyal. We also get our first glimpse of Platen and his fearsome Dronmare. (Good descriptions, created a vivid picture, very colourful.)
You also added a question, arising from Platen's comment to Jeralden...what did he mean when he said Jeralden belonged to the same realm as he did? Intriguing.
The childen are led into hiding because Platen will be looking for them and we learn more about the interesting Jeraldon. There's magic involved and he's got secrets, hasn't he? All exciting stuff and it keeps the reader hooked. The interaction between the two guardians is also amusing and makes them more convincing as real people.
In the third chapter (Chapter 5 on upload) we see Platen and his army. Good names for the creatures in his army... "Grouger" etc. They sound just right! Not sure you need "Suddenly" at start of 2nd paragraph, because we realise his train of thought is broken by the noise.
When Platen shouts at his bickering group of soldiers, you use "tolerate " and "bickering" twice. Could you delete the 2nd to last sentence because says nothing new? But otherwise good, because shows he rules by fear.
Oh, sorry to be an annoying fuss pot, but wouldn't he "put" out eyes with a poker rather than "pull" out? (Not that I'm an expert on such matters!)
Your introduction of his mother is effective because it shows us the reason for his attack and reveals his plan. So now the children will be tracked down by Skunk and Kerne and we realise they are still in danger.
Just one nit pick/ typo here. Look at where the mother arrives. There is an extra sentence that repeats details about the years since the land has heard Mary P.'s voice.
I liked your story and your colourful characters. You've created MCs we can believe in and care about. I think it has the makings of a fine tale for 10+.
I will BACK this .
Cherry G,
The Girl From Ithaca

Hi again, I've had a look at the longer prologue. It's much better written, but to be honest I think it would be better if you just got straight into the book with chapter 1. This just seems like unnecessary padding.

Hope that helps,

Sam241

Since this is not my genre I feel I have no right to comment on the technicalities of the story. Good story line. I think this would do very well with YA age range. Good imagery, especially when the beast becomes a man.

Happily Backed
Denise

Would you mind having a look at my book, "Road to Redemption: From Cop's Daughter to Convicted Felon?"

Hello, I've come to comment!

Prologue

This is a different way of starting- good in idea, but I don't feel it works so well here. There's very little clue as to the relevance of this little scene, and how the characters are reacting to their environment or where they are. While you play the brother's relationship well, we need some indication of where they are and how they are reacting to it. So, it would read better if we had a reason for Kerne's wandering off. Maybe he's tired, bored, hungry? If so, then give us a hint.

Also, with the ear pulling- a nice touch, but write 'He did not feel an ounce of guilt' after Kerne's reaction, since his feeling guiltless is the response to Kerne's pain, and would occur after the act took place.

Chapter One

This is much, much better! It flows nicely and reads easily. Makes me wonder why you need the prologue in the first place.

You seem to have a distate for commas- you'll need them to bracket the clauses. It's difficult to read such sentences in one breath.

You portray the two characters well, giving us clear insight into their behaviours and mannerisms- so well done you, you've hit the mark. You garner interest for the story via interest in the Prince and Princess.

The scene split needs a '#', to make it clear that there is a change. That way you can get rid of the 'Meanwhile', and just start the scene straight off.

The rest is fine.

A good piece of writing, but the prologue needs either a rethink or a removal- since that is going to be the first thing an editor reads, it needs to be top notch, and at the moment it really pales compared to chapter one. Don't be afraid of punctuating your longer sentences. This is set to be a good read.

Good luck

Sam241

Hi Kirsty, liked your Pitch and prologue except for the black beetle being chewed :-)
Thought the storm in chapter 2 held back your story being so long in it's duration.
Over all its well written and the voice comes over well, I have to read more and will get back to it.
Best wishes.

regard's,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest - Book One)

interesting prologue =]
~Zero, No Title Needed

This new chapter seems even better than ones before!

Kristy I did not read prologue before I like it now, if that helps. I think for Ya this is creative imaginative full of action and intrigueing. You have children as a genre I feel this is to violent and to mature.

I like the pace and imagery alot. there isn't alot posted but what I see so far of the premise and story it looks promising. Backed Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

ok, i'm oing t bakc I think you writing for children is great. Its an importand genre as if helps to teach good reaing habits and builds a strong vocabuklarly in children, so good for you. I'm not sure you prologue accomplishes anything, however, and truthfully I think a prologue is more or less lost on children as they are probably not going to think about your characters contextually anyway. So your scene might work better if embedded into a chapter as a gflash back or whatver.. Over all though a wonderful red with a strong voice and wonderfuly intuitive storytelling structure. I wish you the best with your manuscript. ttyl


cheers
blueboy

ox

outstanding work of fantasy

Not having read the original, this start draws you in as the characyers are so engaging and the names alone evoke magical realms full of swords and sorcery. Well described world you have created here. Backed with pleasure.

Hi Kirsty,
My problem with fantasy is keeping track of who's who and what's what, so your new prologue works very well for me. Skunk and Kerne draw me right into the story. They remind me a bit of the bickering orcs guarding the pass into Mordor, beyond Shelob's lair, in Lord of the Rings. Glad to back Prygon.

Hi Kirsty
A agree with comments below that the target audience for this is YA rather than children as both the cover and the language inside have an older feel to them. Your writing is nicely visual and I got absorbed in this immediately.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Your work is well written and well paced. I think it is more suited for the YA audience than for children because of the use of such words as "moron". Your use of imagery is excellent and the dialogue flows very well. What you have posted so far is a finely crafted piece of work. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

You've created an interesting world and peopled it with interesting characters - I could do with some more chapters now.

I don't know what the original prologue was like but the current first chapter works well in its place - and I, too, like the name Skunk!

Backed with pleasure

Dave
(The Secret world of Fluffy Ratbag)

Dear Kirsty,

I have backed your book because the pitch hooked me, read a couple of chapters and enjoyed them.

How much more I read and comment will depend on time and workload.

Enjoy everything.

MM
Psychiatric Evaluation

Well done K!