Fallacy

This is the best book I have ever read! It has got me wanting more, when will there be a second? good luck and I look forward to reading more, you are very talented.

This book has explicit talents that set you apart from other authonomists. This has to be the best book in this entire genre that I've read on this site so far. The story plot is fascinating and your writing style expresses great quality of exotic languages that effictively create the scene (: I can't wait till you get it finished ;D!

Good luck in getting it published!
love Hazel (: x ( Writer of Neverchild & T.C.M )

"Until my body burned with the deprivation." What a wonderful sentence.and these sentences are dotted throughout your very well crafted book. Your ability with words to create a real world in my head is astounding and congrats. SHELVED

I would be so happy if you take the time to read some of my book and give me your feedback. All comments are always welcome, one can never get too much help, and if you like it please back it.
BACKED
BEST OF LUCK
Denise

OMG I had total deja vu when I read this! I had a similar accident and someone hit me in the face with a swinging door. Wish there had been a David to stop me from falling *sigh*.
This book is really good, it reminds me alot of Twilight. Your writing is very fluid and vivid, it's almost like reading poetry. I liked the tension and romantic moments you created between David and Arwen, they balance each other out so you're left wondering if they are ever going to get together. I also like the fact that David seemed totally normal and then suddenly in chapter six boom! he becomes wonder boy. I was so disappointed that it ended there, I'm dying to know what he is!!! The unexpected twist was brilliant!
Your MC is well written, she's tormented by the death of her mother but doesn't wallow in pity or grief, she makes new friends and tries to show her father she's moving on. As a character, she is easily relateable to, escpecially to younger girls who are insecure about their appearances and talents. I love the stubborn streak she has, it makes her endearing and gives her a sassy edge.
I really enjoyed reading this and wish you the best of luck with it. Highly rated :)
Yasmin
- Guileless.

ps. If it's not too cheeky would you look at my novel? It's also Ya. I think you'll like it ;)

This depicts grief wonderfully. You highlight details which may seem small to anyone other than the person who has lost. To that person the small things are enormous and you capture that beautifully.

I have spotted a few nitpicks in the first chapter but feel free to use them or disregard them, whatever works for you.

1. The sentence beginning "Glancing over at the clock..." could use a comma.

2. "And the dull ache..." would work without the And.

3. The paragraph "Ok so today is the start..Or, so I've being told." Should be been not being.

Aside from these, I really like your book and have given it the stars it deserves.

We have written on very similar topics, so I'd be very interested in your thoughts on my book BENEATH THE BLOSSOM TREE, if you have a free moment.

Thank you very much,

Laura

Samantha,


I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The jewel of the narrative however is the composite voice of you main character

...there is the adult woman recalling the story....

...there is the narrative told in a perception by perception style....

...which is how children/teenagers experience the world

and...

....then there is the lingo marinated dialogue that adds an endearing ability

Mix it all up and you get a wonderful style

I also love the font change for the note

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I would cut a bit the chapters to give the reader a breathing

"Into the nothingness"
"I wince at the thought....
I would cut a bit the psychologizing and existentialist lingo, and I would instead get to to the business of describing
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he uses body language to describe...the reader feels

"Infectious beauty" "perfect light gleaming" "intertwined daintily"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

This is a really good young adult story. Immediatly grabs the readers attention and good hooks at the end of chapters that has the reader wanting more. Some minor typo's nothing really major. Some examples are as follows. Chapter 1- "...so I'm gonna have to show willing and eat them."- doesn't make sense. and "I know that all the kids there will have being (been) through the school years..." Chapter 2- "He's got an odd expression on his face, almost like his (he's?) in pain. " Chapter 3 "...no one has reacted that way to me before and maybe I was just sweep (swept?) into it," and "...tell him I got hit with a door but not that you where (were?) the one on the other side of..." Chapter 4- "I really don't want to alert her to the fact that I kind of like him, but me been (being?) me...." Chapter 5- "And anyway I though (thought?) you hated horror movies." Chapter8- "I begin tracing my finer (finger?) around my jeans." Chapter 10- "Should (shouldn't?)take him long though," Best of luck to you. Desi.

I found the story quite engaging all though it is not my normal sort of read. I think you manage to gage a lot of curiosity to make me want to read on and that is always a good thing.
Amelia


A Date in The Diary

Definitely you do have a solid writing talent. I have enjoyed the way you play with language, one of the best books i have found in this place, Well done!

Kind regards,
Miguel

I enjoyed reading this although it has a sadness about it. Arwen comes across as likeable and the reader can engage with her and have empathy for the situation. I felt sorry for her having to say why she left her previous school and felt again for her with the note on the fridge and the hook at the bottom of chapter one works. The next couple of chapters are good and then chapter four changes pace and direction at the right part of the book to gain an added interest. This is a fascinating story and the blend of fantasy and authenticity works well


Backed,

Lisa

Hi Samantha. As you have kids, I wonder whether you would be interested to trial my childrens' book on them! Paperbats Adventures. I am loading your to read over my lunch.
Jerry [paperbat]

This is a well written story. Thought provoking plot. Very believable characters and vivid scenes. Convincing dialogue. Backed.

This normally isn't my type of book, but since you commented on mine, I am returning the favour. After reading the first chapter, I found I was actually intrigued with what you've written. Not really sure if the title matches the story, but I do love the cover. Just a quick note,and you don't really have to listen what I'm saying. I was just told that usually the tenses of a novel is written in the past, even if you are writing in first person. Anyway, best of luck with it.

Tracy

I think you've really got something here that will appeal to the teenage girl market... very Twilight-esque in the tone. I've only read through chapter 4 so far, so I am not sure what is differen about David, but there are definitely hints that he isn't quite like the rest of the characters... and again, this is a very marketable genre in the young adult market at the moment, so those are all plusses. The pain that Arwen feels over her mother's death, and her father's consequent overprotectiveness and hovering are very well depicted. Arwen is a very relateable character for teen girls, and this fresh tragedy in her life makes her very sympathetic. In terms of the actual story, I think you are on a good track. I think that Arwen's friends' characters could be a little more distinct from each other, though; they tend to blend into one voice with little to distinguish one from the other.

I do think that this could do with a pretty intense edit for the nuts and bolts of writing,though. There are missing commas in some places, unnecessary commas in others, and in places your word choices confuse me a little bit (for instance in chapter one when you write "the energy vexed from my body," vexed doesn't seem to work to me, and in chapter 4 you write "my cheeks flushing from her erred compliment," when I think you should write "erroneous," or something on those lines. As it is written it sounds as though the compliment itself had agency and made a mistake, rather than the speaker of the compliment.)

However, on the whole this is an enjoyable read, and my little quibbles above are just meant to point out some things that are easy to fix before submitting it somewhere, but which don't seriously impact the enjoyment of your novel at this stage. You've done a really great job and I'm happy to give this a spin on my shelf for a bit.

Oh, and I love the cover!

Fallacy - Well first of all, I like the cover to your book. The first chapter is intriguing especially those last few lines. From your pitch, I can see that a romance might blossom soon for Arwen and that always entices people to read more as well. You convey your main character's feelings with great clarity. Well-done. One little nit that I will message you about.

All the best,
:-) Summer D'Vine - Blood of Summer, Shed for You

Chapter one is a compelling read. You take the reader inside the mind of the main character so that they feel her pain, understand her fears and want things to go right for her and for her father. Personally, as the daughter of a teacher, I naturally equate to the story. A couple of times at least you use the word being where it should be been. Probably just a typo. But best to put minor things like this right before you get to the Ed's desk, as I'm sure this will before too long. Best of luck. Am happy to back the book.

What potential this story has. Your plot, dialogue, events, they are all perfect for your target readers. And your writing, that's something else which makes this an excellent read.
Some of your descriptions and phrases show great originality, clearly you've drawn on some fine skills to create such visual imagery.
Great use of language and a story beautifully told make this more than worthwhile backing. Margaret.

Hello – Just so that you know, I tend to comment as I read, as if I was thinking aloud, and I don’t crit grammar etc. because there are plenty of people who are much better qualified that I on this site. If I have read your book and commented it is because I enjoyed it and truly believe it has value and so I don’t often make negative comments. The exception is if you have specifically asked me to read and then I believe that you deserve an honest opinion.

Fallacy

Lovely cover.

I find myself happily carried along by your easy prose and the way that you are setting up the story, however one little teeny thing that jarred was that phrase “the last time that she would see me again.” Surely “again” is superfluous there. “Jumping up, my chair falls backwards” hmmm sounds a bit as though the chair jumped up and I know that’s not what you mean. Please don’t think that these are nitpicks for the sake of it. I think that your writing is lovely and I think that it is because of that these little things stick out and it is after all only my opinion and you must ignore me by all means.

The dialogue is great, it flows well and sounds natural. I do think that this work would really be brilliant with a bit of an edit but I am sure you are working on it all the time, aren’t we all. Generally though I am impressed by your style and the misery felt by your main character at the beginning woven to the mystery surrounding Davis and the growing attraction between these young people will appeal to you target audience. I wish you well with this and am more than happy to back it – Diane

A wonderful book. I enjoyed this from the very first line and I think my teenaged daughter would love it too. It is beautifully written and deeply moving.

Backed with pleasure

Jo G

This is really well done. I have a young teenage daughter who I am sure would love to read this late into the night. You set the scene in chapter one was perfectly for the YA. The whole idea of dying in English--just perfect!
I wish you well with this. I know I would be getting this for my daughter if it were in print.
Barbara

I think our books have some threads in common - a death, a young girl, new returns, a meeting that changes everything. I've put you on my watchlist until I have time to read you (I've only had time for chapter one) and comment properly.

hello Samantha
this a very nice read indeed from what i have read of the first few chapters'
'Emma is more girlie' then me '
that is exactly as you put it. it's a girlie book for the billions of woman readers out there to enjoy.
beautiful in its construction.
tom FROM HUGS TO KISSES'

Fallacy.

Beautifully narrated, poignant story that touches the heart.

Your ability to make a young adult romance tasty enough for the jaded appetite of an old reprobate is laudable.

Hardly surprising, considering the quality of narration, dialogue, and controlled plotting.

Quite a tidy ms as well.

Backed.

Azam Gill
“Blasphemy!”

Backed- really good descriptive prose. Some typos though throughout which can be picked up with a good edit. Otherwise please post more soon as its been very entertaining so far!

'I can't go back there ever. Not to the place where she died', this is one of the many instances where Arwen's grief is stark and poignant. Here's another, 'Sometimes I think it makes it easier for him that he can't see her in me'. Off to school ... sat nav! Kids get everything these days. Nicole seems to make her welcome, even if she's rather curious. 'I forget the names as soon as they're told to me', I would too. Erk, English Literature, another reminder'. 'this is going to hurt a lot more than it already has', yep, I can imagine that thought flashing through the brain in a microsecond. And just wait till she realises that her saviour is the guy who clobbered her. Hm, not important apparently given that he's a dish, and no doubt a good many other things too...

You have a very unusual way of putting words together, Samantha, that when they hit the mark (which is more often than not) become striking images: 'her infectious beauty', 'pressing an encouraging smile at me', 'gregarious orange walls', (an exception would be 'unhinging greenery'). There's some more editing to do yet, mainly typos and punctuation, and maybe a bit of re-jigging here and there. I have to say I found chapter 2 stronger than the first, and it's here that Arwen's sassy, sarky nature shines through, bringing humour into the story. I'm backing this now, and would like to see how it develops in the future.

Possible nits: Pitch: I would use 'Arwen is' in the first line rather than abbreviate. 'but it[']s there'. 'David[']s reluctance'. 'that[']s been hidden'.

Story: 'jumping up, my chair falls backwards hitting my legs', I can't imagine that. The memory of her mother's death needs to be either more dreamlike or more realistic, i.e. people would try resuscitation, and an ambulance would be called ... she wouldn't be left for dead on the floor. 'I've being [been] off school', you make this mistake more than once. 'We've been my best friends'?? 'a fog has dispensed [dispersed]'.

Wow i'm hooked after reading the pitch. I've added you to my watchlist and will come back more and back when I have more time. Great read!!

Melissa Nielsen
The Guardian and the Book of Souls

You write well and certainly have the right pitch and tone for this age group. I do just worry a little that we're in very familiar territory here. This YA market is just bulging with girl goes to new school and meets weird cute boy scenarios that I worry about its marketability. But, having said that, I thought there would never be another successful vampire series after Anne Rice!!! So doh! There's a lot of backstory in the first chapter and I'd be tempted to eek it out over a sightly longer period of time so we have a few things to learn as we go along.
Personally I don't like present tense narrative - but that's just one of my weird prejudices so ignore that too!

Great storytelling though and this gets my backing.

I love the end with the "inconsiderate floor"

Good Luck

Beatrice

The cover looks beautiful. Not sure about the title but I think if I said it a few times it would start to feel more familliar. The book description sounds amazing and if I saw this for sale online or in the bookshop I would have it on my wishlist ready for payday. It sounds like an amazing story with a little twist of paranormal yet all the emotional drama of every day life that I love. Brilliant - Backed :)

The cover looks beautiful. Not sure about the title but I think if I said it a few times it would start to feel more familliar. The book description sounds amazing and if I saw this for sale online or in the bookshop I would have it on my wishlist ready for payday. It sounds like an amazing story with a little twist of paranormal yet all the emotional drama of every day life that I love. Brilliant - Backed :)

There are some issues with language, spelling etc but nothing too serious...a good effort!
Stewart

Samantha,

I've just read your opening chapter. You've got the illusive 'voice' down just perfect for your story. There's a real elegance to your writing, and while this may be a genre of novel I would never usually chose to read, it's clear to see 'Fallacy' is streets ahead of most things on this site, be it in ideas or execution. I especially like the hook at the end of chapter one. Excellent start. Backed.

NA 'A Red Sky in Morning' & 'Tales of Ordinary Sadness'

Great story for young teens, fresh, great plot, forbidden love, death, werewolves...my daughter (a Twilight fan) would love it, best wishes
Alison :)

okay, so love this book. I love plots like this, really, and your synposis was making me wish i could bundle the book up and take it on the train. SOOOOOOO backed!!!!

Hi Sam,
You write beautifully. You have crafted Arwen into a believeable and likeable character. I cared about her and her journey immediately. Nice work. On my shelf with pleasure.
Jan, Fringe of Darkness

Good stuff. I was always jealous of Arwen in lotr, 'cus I loved Aragorn :P This is a good story, I like the plot and your pitch is great! Really states questions that you want the answers to. However, I think the first chapter could use a bit of work - it's really, really long! Maybe you could split it? Also, nothing much happens; I appreciate that you have to get the background and her reason for moving in, but it does get a little boring. Again, I think if you simply split it into a couple of chapters, it would fix that! Your writing is good, very natural for a teenage girl, and well crafted. I do think that you underuse commas though! Theres a couple of places that could do with an extra one or two.
Great stuff though!
Good luck!

Selena Hallahan - 'With Teeth'

How on earth did you manage all that dialogue? Your characterisation of a young girl grieving for her mother hits the mark without being morbid, Her friend Emm is so supportive. As for David he seems too good to be true. As I have only read to chap 5 this could be a distinct possibility. I shall have to come back and read some more. Shelved. Anne

I could hear violins just reading your pitch. The opening chapter plunges the reader into immediate identification with Arwen and it deepens with the details of her mother's death memory. By the end of Chapter 1, one desperately wants Arwen to fair well, and the pull to read on is strong.

Hello, sorry for the delay, but here I am.

Chapter One

Very, very good. Excellent. The writing flows, you grab us in instantly, and your sentences are well constructed. Your construction of Arwen's viewpoint is really solid, we get to know her well and get inside her thoughts. Well done!

Just one type 'no one's moves' should be 'no one moved'. Also, when writing 'Ok;, I've mostly seen it as 'O.K.' or 'Okay' in published books, so you might want to change that.

Not sure if this is deliberate or not, but Sacred Heart is the name of hospital on the TV show 'Scrubs'. It might be better to rename it to something else.

Another few typos 'love like that' not 'love that that', 'missed being there' not 'missed been there'. You seem to confuse 'been' and 'being' a lot- take care.

When describing Em, perhaps cut back a bit and keep the telephone conversation moving; you can always add it later to when we meet Em in person.

Overall, this was great. Just take care with the grammar in places. Also, chapter one does set up the scene well but it does drag on a bit. After the first day, perhaps it would be better to cut out the going home etc and then just begin from when Arwen comes to school and finds out what her lesson is.

Chapter two is much the same- very good, can't think of much to suggest to improve it.

A very well written piece of work. A tiny bit of fine tuning and it should do extremely well.

Best wishes

Sam241

Dear Sam,
You portray moving through grieff so very well. I've often said that one does not 'get over' a loved ones death. You learn instead to pull it inside you, make it part of you. What I read of Fallacy is a poignant loving story of a family dealing with the loss of the mother. You've developed the characters very well. Something I do to help me edit is to read each paragraph end to front --slows you down to pick up mistakes. Reading aloud helps too. I wish you all the best.
Caroline
KC Hart
Summer Rose

Sam, This is a very emotional story, It pulls at our heartstrings immediately and allows us to connect to your MC.Your descriptive writing and pace are perfect. It has a natrual and contemporary feel and I think it will do very well in your genre,Backed Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

Very nice writing - I am impressed! You have a talent for drawing the reader in immediately. And bravo on using the present tense - that is hard to do, but definitely makes me feel like the story is unfolding before my eyes!

Backed with pleasure,
Heidi Marshall
More

What a terrific piece! With something as good as this, I have to get down to the nitty-gritty critiques. Just a couple that stood out: "who's mom..." should be "whose mom..." in chapter one. ctrl+F should make it easy to find. Also, the simple remark of "Weathers terrible" makes for realistic dialogue, good work, just make sure the apostrophe is in "weather's." Sorry if this seems nit-picky, but something this good needs so little polishing. Great job, I love it.

Courtney
Runeswept

Hello there,

Your magnificent cover drew me in to take a look at your book; whoever designed it for you did a wonderful job! However, you definitely need to consider getting an editor. I didn't even get through the first chapter as there were just too many mistakes, and I'm a bit picky with what I choose to read. Here is what I've found so far, so that you can fix them and improve your work:

“He believes that as the screaming has ceased to happen so have the nightmares and I let him think so, it’s easier that way.” there are some definite commas missing in here; I’ll let you mull it over and figure out where to put them.

“The nightmare as translucent as the very day it was so cruelly ingrained into my memory.” should read “The nightmare WAS as translucent…”

“Her infectious beauty gliding around the room, in graceful ease as the reigns in the bliss of what she did best.” are you trying to say that her beauty was gliding around the room, or that she was?

“She’s reading a piece from Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream to us, her class.” when you are referring to a title, it is usually best to italicize it to make it easier on the reader; otherwise it looks like the title is ‘Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream’, instead of that it is ‘Midsummer Night’s Dream’ by Shakespeare.

“I’m frozen to my chair, I can’t seem to move…” is redundant. We can already tell by the fact that she’s frozen to her chair that she can’t move.

'... could of...' can't recall exactly which sentence you used this, but awfully bad form. The correct phrase is 'could have'. Could of is used mainly by children and adolescents, and while your character is a young adult, it still makes me cringe to see it in your work.

I hope that you don't take this the wrong way, but rather use my criticism to improve your work. It looks like you're moving up along the rankings, but by the time you get to the Editor's Desk you want your work to be polished enough to get a good review from the board. I wish you the best of luck with this.

~Jaz

Really well done, your writing style and pace makes this a great read. Best of luck with it. It's perfect for YA. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Perfectly pitched for the Young Adult market, this has realistic and likeable characters and a lovely, descriptive narrative. Backed with pleasure
Best wishes
Gail
NEW BEGINNINGS

Very charming fresh prose.I'm a bit old to be commenting on this, but It is well written. Backed,

This is a great love-story, well-written and sure to appeal to young adults - to me too. Sure to go far!
My books starts with youngsters losing their parents - you may be interested to have a look. In the meanwhile, I'll put yours on my shelf. Good luck.
Backed, Ann Mynard (Windshadow)

Muntant, freak or gentle giant, how would anyone feel if the person they fell for, turned out to be superman. Confused, embittered, angry or ecstatic because these are the range of emotions that fills the head of the clumsily awkward Arwen in this bizarre fantasy tale. The normal and the abnormal become the carefully mastered focus points in this story as we experience Arwen transition from the happy normal to the spontaneous abnormal in the space of a few ungainly seconds. First the surprise death of her mother in mortified ambivalence of a school lesson, was it part of the lesson we ask ourselves, then later her on her boyfriend decides to bodily pick up a car in his gararge. Everythings normal dear we hear her mother saying just after she's died, and as for her boyfriend, oh i just think I'll move the car. Brilliant stuff.
Backed with pleasure.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

I enjoyed this a lot, and I think that young adults should enjoy it too. I like your blend of the reality of Arwen's life and the fantastical descriptions of her nightmares. I hope you do well with it :-) (and sorry for the incoherent comment - I'm really very sleepy :-) )

I think you have piched this just right for your audience, I would advise that you have missed a chance of some dramatic prose by having the death of the mom told as a flashback of a nightmare and think that it is a fantastic oppurtunity missed by not opening with this scene as it happens. I know death, then has to be sorted, funerals people having to be told, crying etc etc and many authors do skip over it in this way to avoid all of that, but it still could be done by having the first chapter up to when she screams and then the second chapter dealing with a few weeks later after all the immediate aftermath has been and gone.

Just an opinion of course, but not a criticism, it does work how it is.

I found your writing easy to read and the story you have pitched to us sounds intrigueing with many twists and turns to come. Your writing skills are excellent and you have done a good edit before submitting, or you are a natural, edit as you go, author, which ever, it shows that a lot of care has been taken with the crafts of writing.

Just a couple of nits: no on could of, would read better as: no one could have. And, some of the conversations about mundane things - what they are going to eat etc could be cut a bit, however, they may stand quite well in the genre, I don't know, not so familiar with it. Other than that, a really excellent job and I wish you all the luck in the world with it. On my shelf with pride, love Mary

I just loved this! Your wonderful descriptions really put me into your world and have a distinctive voice. Happily backed! I can't wait to read further.

Donna Burgess (Darklands)

This is a good read with engaging charcters and diolouge that compels us to keep reading. C W