Ashes to Embers

Ashes to Embers

Samantha Cook

"...this time good can never win without becoming evil." I love this thought in your short pitch. Nice engaging themes here. This has great atmosphere and a nice mix of characters. Your chapter one "The End" is nicely written and takes the reader along effortlessly. I am not a big nitpicker and also don't read with editing issues in mind, so forgive my lack of skills there - am sure many will come along who are more expert at this than I am. Your story seems very entertaining and I enjoyed it so far. Loved the abbreviations LOCAL! YOur imagination shows through in the writing and sentences you construct. "Hard way, easy way?" Can't afford to "get too attached" to this right now as time is short and will have to return to read more at a later time. Good potential here and I was happy to give it a spin on my shelf. Best of luck in finding a publisher Samantha. You are a talented writer.
Zan

This is great stuff - I'm up to chapter three. These are exactly the kinds of heroes and heroines young adults want - and it's dark, gritty, thrown-in-at-the-deep-end stuff. I will definitely keep reading.

Good job.

Esme C

Samantha, unlike much of the mediocre fantasy here, yours is top notch. Excellent writing, and a great story that starts off well. Tiny typo on the par. “Who? The police?...Feya (felt?) her stomach go hollow...” but I could find nothing else. Dialogue is believable, and I, the reader and potential purchaser am drawn immediately in. Fantasies usually involve a lot of inexplicable terms and magic props, but you have none here except the Embers and so on, and I can quickly surmise what’s going on. More importantly, your story revolves around the characters, not a magic prop, thank goodness.
Superb!
Paul ( www.pauldaytonscifi.com )
We’ve Seen the Enemy

Samantha, You make a good start. There's plenty here to get involved with from the beginning. I find your writing imaginative and talented and easily able to hold the reader page after page. Well done.
Backed,
Ann Mynard (Windshadow)

You have good fluent narrative and descriptive prose and the dialogue moves along well.
I like this.
The first chapter ends with a good hook and makes youwant to turn over the page.
Good stuff!
Backed.

Well thought out, well paced, well plotted. I like the mystery, the uncertainty, the menace - it's good to see somthing with a goodly helping of darkness to be fought against... I expect this to be sitting on real bookshelves in the not too distant future. Thank you. KA.

Samantha, your first chapter starts off on the right note. Good job on this section. I don't really have a nit but a suggestion. I couldn't visualize how Kelsey was spinning the umbrella. You could probably add: while spinning an umbella like a drum majorette.

Backed with pleasure.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

A horrific start to your story with bodies in the hall. Did Tristan do it or see it?

Gingernuts

Reading the pitch, I did not think this was something I would care to read, but once was exposed to the brilliant character developement, even in the few first pages, I was mezmerized by how the writing egged me to go on.

Clearly backed :)

R.G.

HI Samantha

Good dramatic opening. I like the way you don't clog up the narrative with great chunks of exposition, but trust the reader will be patient enough to wait for the answers to all their questions to be revealed. The first chapter sets up a situation with lots of future conflict, intrigue, drama and the possibility of self-realisation for the children. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Chapter one the end, egh. Wouldn't that save us all a lot of work. But I digress.
I like the way you swing straight into the story. I like the way the characters are instantly fleshed out.
Backed

I read Chapter 3.
It was pretty good.
A few nitpicks:
“The dark circled that encased Kelsey’s eyes.” The dark circles?
“Maybe they would mould into this friendship group after all.” ….Meld?..Merge? become part of?

Very nice hook-loaded pitch, with enough hints to suggest this is part of an ongoing sequence of novels. The writing is confident and relaxed, which made for an easy read in many respects - no violent twists or turns in the plot line to throw the reader. Also the characters have hints of back story and history, which is also nice - they didn't just appear out of nowhere.

There are a couple of times I felt the sentences ran on a little (nothing that couldn't be adjusted by a good sub-editor) but then it may well be me, having just come from reading a staccato-style mystery.

Read and enjoyed, and Backed with pleasure.

Feya and Kelsey are sympathetic characters. You have a talent for description and you use it well in this story. For example, 'Kelsey's glossed up lips bent in a smirk.' You enrich your narrative with superb similies such as 'bowled out like a mellon' and apt metaphors like 'the box with all her emotions inside.' Your dialogue reads real and deepens your story. Your world building is thorough. Your pacing held my attention. This is a captivating YA fantsy with romantic and action elements. Backed.

Okay, so I had five minutes real quick and you're on our shelf, Ms. Samantha! :) I promise to actually devote time to read and leave real comments later, but so far I'm really digging the way you describe things and I'm drawn in. Will be back later~
Melissa
Burns Like the Sun

I'm pretty sure I've already backed this (I'll put it back on my shelf just in case it didn't register) but here are my comments.

Technically it reads very well, the script is pretty polished, no obvious mistakes or typos. Occsaionally the prose was a little on the dense side for my tastes, too many adjectives and detailed descriptions of minor things that slowed the pace and distracted from the story a bit, but as i say very much a matter of taste. I think the sense of aimless youth pissed off with the grownups is well conveyed and the general vibe is consistent and engaging. Happy to back (again).

You quickly draw the reader into the world of Embers - not got to the Demons yet - with good writing and dialogue. Sorry I can't read any more, but I am backing this as I think it will do well.
Katy Christie
No Man No Cry

Very interesting story and your pitch is great. Ashes to Embers should do well in the young adult market.
Backed with pleaure.
Daniel Manning.
No Compatibility

The line about her balance - I wrote it that way because that's my tone.

The back-story is important to the rest of the novel so that's why I've chosen to write it, I kept it short, and I have other reasons for doing so, such as pace & characterisation suggested by other critics.

Some of the other lines you commented on were changes made by an editor.

Never sent a nudge in someone's direction? Never nudged someone? You've confused me there...

When giving constructive criticism the idea is to do more than just pick out what you don't like, and bluntly say why you hate it. Maybe some of your points are valid, but all I feel is that you ripped through it with little thought so I can't take you seriously.

There's too many off-notes here, mostly convoluted phrasing or over-explanation. I'll pick out some examples.

"..adding a new challenge to Feya's balance?" eh? Why not "testing Feya's sense of balance"?

Those dirty blonde strands are a point of view violation.

"suspiciously sweeter than she regularly used"...sweeter than usual?

"She suppressed the urge to groan and failed". Eh, again? So she DIDN'T suppress it? Why not she failed to suppress a groan?

"...and recognising him was second nature to her"? I don't mean to be flippant, but are you sure English is your first language? She recognises him...it's not a special skill, is it?

"sending a nudge in Feya's direction" How do you do that then?

Then we have the copious mistakes thing, where Kelsey becomes a her, or you are confusing the subject of the thought.

I think you should write in simple nouns and verbs. Keep it simple. What happens, just that. Skip backstory.

Ashes to Embers

Samantha Cook

"...this time good can never win without becoming evil." I love this thought in your short pitch. Nice engaging themes here. This has great atmosphere and a nice mix of characters. Your chapter one "The End" is nicely written and takes the reader along effortlessly. I am not a big nitpicker and also don't read with editing issues in mind, so forgive my lack of skills there - am sure many will come along who are more expert at this than I am. Your story seems very entertaining and I enjoyed it so far. Loved the abbreviations LOCAL! YOur imagination shows through in the writing and sentences you construct. "Hard way, easy way?" Can't afford to "get too attached" to this right now as time is short and will have to return to read more at a later time. Good potential here and I was happy to give it a spin on my shelf. Best of luck in finding a publisher Samantha. You are a talented writer.
Zan

Smantha............I finally found time to carefully read all seven chapters of Ashes to Embers. The writing is whimsical, flowery, and feminine, which should appeal to young readers, especially girls. You might want to replace the "she stammered.........she worried.......Kelsey scoffed......." and the like with simply "he said....she said" so that the dialogue doesn't come off amateurish. That said, the story is clearly imaginative. Best wishes..............Frank

Well crafted and perfect prose.
Backed with pleasure.
Frank.
You may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book.

Samantha:

Great plot line. Very relevant to today's young adult market, but with a story and narrative that will appeal to adults as well.
I like the real-world vulnerabilities of characters. Great descriptive writing.
Excellent work.

Christophe

I was pulled into this from the first couple of paragraphs and wanted to find out more. The story gets going rapidly and keeps the reader interested and the characters are sympathetically written so that I, as a reader, cared about what happened to them.

Lots of luck with it

Jo G

This stands out in its genre. You have a stunning first chapter and create a great backdrop for your story, blood gore bodies all over the hall and tristan in a trance. One line that stood out for me -the words" Dont get too attached," slithered into his ear. That is such an evoking line it made me shiver. This is well written and extremely visual.

Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

samanta
nice bit of escapism for the younger readers, move along at a nice pace .enjoyed the style , will read more
Tom 'From hugs to Kisses'

I WLd this after your debate about pitches in the forum - sorry it's taken me so long to get to it. I like the premise and think this story certainly has 'legs'... I'm also all for hard-hitting YA fiction. I did feel that you overwrote a little at the beginning in particular - I'd be tempted to go through doing an adjective cull (not that there's anything wrong with adjectives but you do use a lot and they make the prose a little overblown in places). I think you need the full-on shock factor at the start and, as it stands, you're slowing down your read.
Backed.

This is high intensity stuff where the stakes are epic and the heroes are about to get their asses kicked and the world is about to fall. I'm exhausted already! So much happens but logically and you can feel the atmosphere of depression as the battle dwindles against them. Excellent.

Samantha

from the outset this reads as though it's a sequel to an earlier book - is that the case? This feels a little outwith normal fantasy genre both in the blend of the elements that you're using, and giving it a harder edge than usual. I can think of quite a few YA books in which the parents are murdered, but we're not often treated to descriptions of scarlet spalshes of blood while one of the children looks on.

Good dialogue and pacing: I think it could do with losing some of the adjectives here and here: I'm not sure it adds anything to learn that someone has chocolate brown irises or that there are gold skirting boards.

I found this interesting and readable, despite the fact that I'm not a fantasy fan.

Good luck with this one

Peter

Hi Samantha,
you did read it correctly, 'serial killer in his own write'.

I have backed your epistle, 'Ashes to Embers' and I will read and comment later.
Hope you read and enjoy Danny.

Phil
Danny Murphy

I immensely enjoyed reading this. Honestly I'm not that into fantasy but you managed to keep my face glued to the screen page after page. Your characters are very creative and your descriptions have good quality. The only constructive criticism I can offer is to work on the structuring of your dialogue, I got a bit confused at times, but that could just be me. Other than that this is truly something wonderful. Backed with pleasure and confidence.

Love the description at the start - really fresh and vivid. Amazing stuff with umbrellas and puddles. Brilliant interior shots inside the characters' heads too. Good balance of dialogue and action.
Backed!
Erin Adler (Bad Seduction)

Samantha.
Your book is beautifully written. Your vocab and description work is excellent.
Only read one chapter but I was impressed.
Thanks for backing Flawless Murder. Can't remember if I backd you already, so I will back anyway.
Kind regards
Euphemus/David

This has a nice original thread, dialogue is real and draws you in. Also nice that the story is character driven and not driven completely by fantasy and magic. It works well. Well written, rounded, and compelling to read. Backed - Clair

Hi Samantha,

This is an intriguing story. Nice vivid descriptions that made it easy to picture each scene. Watch out for an overuse of adverbs.

“Hey(,) Tristan,” I added a comma for direct address.

“You must be freezing,” Feya worried… As what follows the dialogue isn’t a tagline I would replace the comma with a period or follow with a tagline.

“Just calm down,” he told her(.) “Please(,) Feya.”

This is a fascinating read. Nicely written and was a joy to read.

Shinzy :)

Ashes to Embers - A great read. Straight in with no messing. I loved every word. Backed with pleasure. Good luck.
Kristen Stone
Kianda Mala - The Monkey Man

This is great stuff - I'm up to chapter three. These are exactly the kinds of heroes and heroines young adults want - and it's dark, gritty, thrown-in-at-the-deep-end stuff. I will definitely keep reading.

Good job.

Esme C

Pretty incredible stuff you have here. I loved the opening chapter and found no errors. I will press on into more of your chapters this evening, I look forward to it.

Backed with pleasure,
Marissa
By Flame's Light

Brilliant writing...Crisp real-life dialogue...beautifully drawn characters...

Wow a hum dinger of a start it was all very crepy and weird. You have set your story off to a fast moving start and make it a 'must know more' read. I wouldn't want to read this at night it one of those books that stays with you all day. Well crafted congratulations.

Sue Mackender
Knwing Liam Riley - I hope you like it

I have only read chapter one but am intrigued by your story. You seem to have an original idea which plays out well in this opening, and your main characters are both believable and likeable. The reader feels their emotion as they reel from mourning to fear. I will move this to my watchlist as I want to read more :)
Thanks, Charlie

Samantha, I am totally immersed in your story in the space of a few paragraphs! The scene, the mood, everything is so clearly communicated. You show me; you don't tell me. So many people fail in that regard. The emotions in this opening are so intense! You are affecting my mood!

Keep up the good work, and I will be back for chapter two!

Samantha, Very unique approach, definetly magic with a twist. I like the MC's very much and the opening scene aids us in emotional attachment to the three immediately. Your pace is goo and you build tension and intrigue well.

I dd find the dialogue a bit stiff in places...The dialogue between the three is fine, more natural, but when you introduce the other young characters, it felt a bit choppy and stiff almost formal sounding, just a thought. I know this is going to do really well. I really enjoyed it. I do hope you upload more Backed easily Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the heart

This is a really well put together book, its obvious from the start how much thought you have put into it. The story flows really well and I'm sure you'll have much success with this book.
Backed!
Sam (Fallacy)

I cannot fault your pitch or your prose. I've read three chapters and this has to be some of the finest YA writing on the site. It is highly professional in its structure, characterisation and pitch. Lovely descriptions like 'envy strung ino her system so tightly that is was...' just elevate this to a masterful work. Your dialogue was sharp and perfectly propels your fascinating story. I thought 'LOCAL was an acronym of genius.
Well done
Backed with pleasure.
Carl
x

Feya her stomach go hollow... = ?
This seems to be very smooth and written in the kind of style appropriate for this genre...best of luck
Stewart

You have a great combination of romance and fantasy. This makes for an excellent commercial product. Very intriguing theme and good writing style. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Great read and wonderfulf dialogue.
Good Luck!
Kirsty
Prygon:The Circle of Dark Magic

Lots of tension, and well-written. Tristan, Feya, and Kelsey all have uniqe personalities that work nicely together. Backed.

This is great! I love the story. Had me interested from start to finish. Can't wait to read more

Brilliant plot. The characters are all very distinct and make an instant impression on the reader. Lots of intrigue and mystery right from the start. As soon as the reader starts to get comfortable, you pick up the pace. I like that you spent the very beginning establishing your characters and their friendship as that is very important to the story.
Backed with pleasure.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

This is really good, I loved it. I wish you the very best with it. E.Loroaine Royal Blood Chronicles bok one