Book Jacket

 

rank 2905
word count 30023
date submitted 05.06.2010
date updated 11.07.2010
genres: Fiction, Romance, Fantasy, Young Ad...
classification: universal
incomplete

Ashes to Embers

Samantha Cook

As the power struggle between Embers and Demons intensifies, a disquieting vision comes to light; this time good can never win without becoming evil...

 

With Demons growing stronger, Feya and Kelsey train to harness their magic alongside their powerless friend Tristan, only hoping his life will not be as short as theirs and that of their parents. The trio are alone in their awareness that any efforts in the power struggle will be their demise, so when an attack against Demons is organised they prepare for their downfall feeling trapped.

Options are scarce until an exiled rogue, remembered for her inexplicable attack on Tristan, returns with a risky proposition; to become allies with a Demon, abandon their friends, and rip magic from the world.

 
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tags

, dark, demons, embers, fantasy, feya, kelsey, magic, power struggle, tristan, twists

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Chapter One: The End

Chapter One            The end

 

The rickety pavement had it in for her from the start. Glassy puddles camouflaged the potholes as Feya teetered towards where the next ‘Leave Our Children Alone Lucifer’ (or rather ‘LOCAL’ for short) meeting was being held.

Alongside her was her best friend Kelsey, who glided forward while spinning an umbrella in her hand. Like last month, she became stuck in the same bitter mood that always surfaced when they had to listen to their parents whine about something they clearly didn’t understand. When the puddles began to sparkle, Kelsey fiddled with the umbrella, taking her frustration out on the flimsy spindles. Two pieces of metal snapped and began wobbling on their hinges. With a sound caught somewhere between a snarl and a sigh, she blindly threw it to her left, somehow managing to land it in a blue wheelie bin.

“How did you do that?” Feya asked, taking her eyes from the ground just long enough to plunge her foot into a puddle. She let out a gasp and Kelsey’s glossed up lips bent into a smirk.

“Don’t be too impressed, I’m pretty sure it’s not recyclable.”

Soon enough, the dreary clouds began dousing them with thick sheets of rain, adding a new challenge to Feya’s balance. As her hair became glued to her cheeks in dirty blonde strands, her only saving grace was that Kelsey looked just as much like a drenched rat as they turned the last corner to her house. “Look,” Kelsey said with her tone suspiciously sweeter than usual. With the path running up to Kelsey’s house being smoother than most in their village, Feya risked lifting her gaze up towards her friend’s front garden.

Feya failed to suppress her groan. It didn’t matter that his usual trademark light, floppy hair was flat with rainwater; Tristan had been one of their best friends for more years than she could remember, and recognising him was second nature to her. She just didn’t feel up for Kelsey’s comments.

He’s in the rain waiting for you - without a coat,” Kelsey scoffed, sending a nudge in Feya’s direction. “Now that shows dedication.”

“Let it go, Kelsey,” she said, trying to banish the embarrassing memories of the copious mistakes she had made in front of this one person. She wished they could just be close friends instead, but that option never seemed enough for him. The more she thought about it, the more she felt her head tighten into a headache. Instead she studied his face, as he became more defined with each step.

“Hey, Tristan,” she greeted him as they reached the picket fence surrounding the house. He did not reply, or turn, or even twitch a muscle on his rain sodden face. A sombre look had pinched creases into his forehead, although his eyes were wide, hypnotised by whatever he was gazing at.

“You must be freezing.” Feya reached out to his arm. He flinched; a jolt that brought him back to life.

“You have to leave - something’s happened.” He sounded serious and breathless, still lost to his own thoughts as if he had done something, or seen something unthinkable. Nothing was more compelling than his gaze. Despite the rain, Feya could see that the whites of his eyes were bloodshot against his chocolate brown irises.

“What‘s wrong, Tristan?” Feya asked him gently. “What did you see?”

He gulped, lips stuttering over the words before taking them back. “No, it’s too… just wait for someone to get here.” He looked down at the ground, breathing deeply. Feya wanted to reach out, to pull him into her arms or even just hold his hand but she felt cold from the way he had flinched away from her.

“Who? The police?” Tristan shook his head. That meant one thing - the Embers were coming for a routine clean up, to collect anything out of the ordinary. Feya felt her stomach go hollow, bowled out like a melon by the consequence of what was happening. The worst possible news was hiding behind the door. The same door that Kelsey was pushing open so gently, making sure that no one would hear it creak...

Then Kelsey screamed.

Feya tried to fight her way past Tristan, but he instantly grabbed a hold of her and used his body as a shield, hiding the scene from her. She could see the door was ajar as she peered over his shoulder. Kelsey’s body blocked her view, making a silhouette against the thin strip of hallway light. “Let me see, or – or - let me help her,” Feya cried, although this time Tristan was wiser to her tricks.

“Just calm down,” he told her. “Please, Feya.” She struggled harder against him, logic and reason lost with her friend’s echoing scream.

Within seconds, Kelsey had turned and was now emptying her stomach onto the grassy verge, unable to turn and close the door, knowing that would mean having to facing another glimpse of what was inside. It was only a matter of time before Feya saw what they had both witnessed, but Tristan adamantly held his ground, with his grip around her shoulders growing tighter and tighter.

“Tristan,” she gasped in theatrical pain, causing him to fumble apologetically and loosen his grip. She wriggled free and jumped up, just quick enough to see a clear shot of the hallway, before her world fell into a muffled mantle of confusion. The rain seemed to dissipate until Feya could no longer feel the cold strands drive against her face, and the wind seemed to end as her skin became numb.

Three bodies were strewn across the hallway. Crimson slashes marked their necks and blood was soaked into the once cream carpet, dying it a striking scarlet. Nothing could tear Feya away from looking at the mess that had been made of these three people, and when the door slammed she realised that was all she had taken in.

Her legs gave way, her heart stopped and her mind maliciously replayed the image around her head. She desperately tried to place names to the murdered souls, but a thick wall of denial was stopping her from understanding anything; anything other than fear. Time seemed to come to a halt - or at least she had no idea how much had passed, until suddenly she could feel her heart beating again. Slowly, she began focusing on small details; Tristan was grasping her under the elbows, keeping her from collapsing into the sodden earth; the rain was easing to a light spit and the door was now closed. She studied the white frame of Kelsey’s front door, trying to see past the thick panels of decorative glass. The moment was becoming bearable, and soon she had control over herself again.

“Open it, Tristan.” She pulled herself out of his arms and tried to hit him aside.

“No, I should have stopped you two the first time, neither of you should have seen that.” His words were strong, the glare in his eyes pleading her to stop. Still, Feya had to know who they were, and she was ready this time to see it, but Tristan refused to move.

“Whose – whose parents – who...” she stammered, suddenly feeling weak again. Still, it was enough to get her point across.

With tears still held behind his eyes, Tristan began to shake his head as he stuttered, “N-no erm, not yours. Mine.” His voice fell cold over the last word as if he would not let himself comprehended the magnitude of the situation just yet. He looked over to Kelsey, who was now just focusing on breathing, knelt on the ground in her own protective bubble. He put his hand on her shoulder, taking a deep sudden breath before whispering, “Kelsey’s Dad.” His words sent another, almost visible, shard of ice to her heart.

“I’m so sorry,” Feya whispered, finally pulling Tristan into tight hug before she tended to Kelsey. As she knelt beside her friend, Feya herded her emotions into a tight box to displace them to the back of her mind. She would not indulge in them now. The fear, anxiety, the sight of the bodies – she placed all these thoughts into the box, until they were nothing more than shadows and wisps of smoke. Smoke was good - smoke could be worked with.

“Here,” Feya said, handing her best friend her scarf so that she could clean herself up. She picked her off the floor and allowed Kelsey to lean against Tristan as the full force of the situation become clearer. “The Embers will be here any minute.” She began to show her panic once more, swaying in a tight motion, trying to focus. “They’re going to take the bodies, that’s for sure… probably any possessions-”

“No,” Kelsey interrupted, her eyes fixed on the ground below her. “You know that’s not all they will take.”

They all realised the truth of their friend’s statement. They knew that the children of the murdered were always taken and detained by the Embers, until it was known for certain that they neither possessed ‘gifts’ or that their lives were in danger from the real Demons needing to destroy a future threat.

“I won’t let them take you. Either of you,” she told them, eyeing Tristan. It was harder to look at Tristan - he held the contact, communicating with his brown eyes what he couldn’t form into words. “And you don’t know--”

“Feya,” Kelsey snapped with her voice at a croak. “This has not been the only sign and you know it. We’re not adverse to admitting things like this exist, and there has to be some magic in your blood for that.” Her words were cold harsh slabs of truth; rough yet nothing more than expected. If they were completely human, they would barely understand what was happening, something that made the LOCAL meetings always seem ironic.

“Then you could run! I‘ll stay and say the Demons took you-”

In that second a sleek, silver van pulled up in the drive, followed by black cars that moulded into the night. They skidded to a stop in unison; the doors flung open so that the team of Embers could pour out.

From the front car, a tall woman marched out, holding herself with an undeniable, almost arrogant confidence. With the muscles in her face held tight, she strutted forward whilst removing her glasses from the end of her pointed nose, not needing to look back to check that her team was organised and ready.

The Embers’ faces were all unfamiliar, blurring into a unity dressed in black cargo trousers and jackets. Just one member of their pack held a distinctive decorum; a girl who could be no more than sixteen. Her hair was a mixture of red orange and blonde, plaited in a braid down her back, the colours entwined to resemble fire. Her eyes were hard and cold. Even in the darkening night they were obviously blue, but not consistent. In thin lines breaking from the pupils were grey cracks. Fire and Ice.

“Isadora,” called the sleek lady. Fire and Ice placed her stride so that she would step alongside her superior with her shoulders held broad. “You are in charge of taking in the girl and boy.”

“No!” Feya screamed. She had not meant it to come out with such magnitude, but she was struggling to keep control of herself. Her body was shaking - not from the cold or the rain - but she could not stop it. The more she tried to hold herself still the more her muscles fought to shiver and jolt. The box with all her emotions inside it had to be tighter, although she felt if it were any tighter, she might implode.

“I’m sorry sweetie, but this event has happened for a reason, and they need protection.” The woman’s voice had a patronising calmness derived from ignorance, the type that adds a pinch of salt to the wound that was about to be carved. These were her two best friends, and the people who had been there for her ever since she was a small child. She would not let them be taken from her life, never to be seen again as if they had been murdered themselves – and then the image from the hallway flared in her mind once more before she could stop herself.

Feya’s box imploded. It felt like a belt had tightened around her heart, and in one slick move, ripped from her torso. But with it her emotions faded. Suddenly she felt empowered and in control. Feya placed herself between her friends and the Embers, waiting for them to get the unwelcome message.

Isadora stepped back, and then fumbled on the spot with impatience for Feya’s wrath. “Oliana...” she began scornfully, and the sleek lady nodded. Her shoulders slumped down, but Oliana’s reaction was different. She smiled, clearly pleased by what she had seen.

“My mistake, take all three of them. She’ll make an excellent Protector for the Velvet Bunker.”

Feya stumbled back, unsure of what this meant. She had heard a lot about how terrible the magical race was, but nothing about their life, or actual magic. A word she had heard of was the ‘Bunker’, although the word ‘Velvet’ was only vaguely familiar. It was where children were ripped from their lives with no goodbyes, and forced to train so that they could fight the evil in the world. The only fact she knew for certain was that once children were taken, they never returned.

“Do you want me to take her force field down?” Isadora asked.

“What force field?” Feya whispered. Suddenly the lids of her eyes felt incredibly heavy. Then the feeling spread to her whole body. Her legs gave way and her mind slipped from consciousness.

Tristan swooped in again, only just managing to catch her before her head could hit the pavement.

“What did you do to her!?” he demanded, his eyes flashing with worry. Kelsey stood close behind him, placing her hands on his shoulders.

“Be careful,” she whispered in his ear, too quiet for anyone else to hear. It was almost as if she was talking to herself. Her glossy green eyes hardly appeared to be in focus, but her hand was tightly clawed onto the scarf Feya had given her. Instead of challenging them, Tristan decided to let the sleek lady speak.

“We did nothing. Her magic is weak and untrained and so it takes the energy of its host very quickly. Have either of you showed any sign of holding a magical gift?”

In unison they shook their heads, neither wanting to place a false truth on the table any more than admitting they held a gift that would condemn them to a new life away from those who they knew and loved.

“All the same, take them before their surviving parents arrive. Mrs Black is due with the rest of the LOCAL meeting any minute now, and it will only get more dramatic.” She clicked her fingers, advancing on the house with the majority of the Embers following her. Only one remained behind with Isadora. Clearly the two conscious fourteen year olds were no threat to two well-trained teenaged Embers, but whatever was inside the house seemed to be a different matter completely.

“Hard way, easy way?” Isadora teased. There was no sign of a smile on her face. Instead, it looked as if this young girl had never felt the satisfaction of happiness. Or at least not for a long time. “The van has seats inside so it only looks as if you are animals being herded.” Then she did smile, and it was becoming clearer that Isadora really had never experienced true happiness.

Kelsey did not show any objections with being herded into the back of the silver van, but Tristan was adamant that he would be the one to carry the unconscious Feya in. He still was uncertain as to what had happened to her and he would not for one second let these strangers handle her. They all had to stick together.

As he stepped into the van a firm, cold hand clutched his shoulder. Within seconds it warmed and squeezed as the words, “Don’t get too attached,” slithered into his ear. He turned to face the culprit, and saw it was the girl of Ice and Fire. For a second he thought he saw compassion, and even hurt behind the words she hissed, but with a blink her face fell into a hard scowl. Then she slammed the doors shut, alerting the driver to put his foot down.

 

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zan wrote 699 days ago

Ashes to Embers

Samantha Cook

"...this time good can never win without becoming evil." I love this thought in your short pitch. Nice engaging themes here. This has great atmosphere and a nice mix of characters. Your chapter one "The End" is nicely written and takes the reader along effortlessly. I am not a big nitpicker and also don't read with editing issues in mind, so forgive my lack of skills there - am sure many will come along who are more expert at this than I am. Your story seems very entertaining and I enjoyed it so far. Loved the abbreviations LOCAL! YOur imagination shows through in the writing and sentences you construct. "Hard way, easy way?" Can't afford to "get too attached" to this right now as time is short and will have to return to read more at a later time. Good potential here and I was happy to give it a spin on my shelf. Best of luck in finding a publisher Samantha. You are a talented writer.
Zan

EsmeCarpenter wrote 711 days ago

This is great stuff - I'm up to chapter three. These are exactly the kinds of heroes and heroines young adults want - and it's dark, gritty, thrown-in-at-the-deep-end stuff. I will definitely keep reading.

Good job.

Esme C

Thetinman wrote 717 days ago

Samantha, unlike much of the mediocre fantasy here, yours is top notch. Excellent writing, and a great story that starts off well. Tiny typo on the par. “Who? The police?...Feya (felt?) her stomach go hollow...” but I could find nothing else. Dialogue is believable, and I, the reader and potential purchaser am drawn immediately in. Fantasies usually involve a lot of inexplicable terms and magic props, but you have none here except the Embers and so on, and I can quickly surmise what’s going on. More importantly, your story revolves around the characters, not a magic prop, thank goodness.
Superb!
Paul ( www.pauldaytonscifi.com )
We’ve Seen the Enemy

Ann Mynard wrote 593 days ago

Samantha, You make a good start. There's plenty here to get involved with from the beginning. I find your writing imaginative and talented and easily able to hold the reader page after page. Well done.
Backed,
Ann Mynard (Windshadow)

Fred Le Grand wrote 623 days ago

You have good fluent narrative and descriptive prose and the dialogue moves along well.
I like this.
The first chapter ends with a good hook and makes youwant to turn over the page.
Good stuff!
Backed.

K A Smith wrote 632 days ago

Well thought out, well paced, well plotted. I like the mystery, the uncertainty, the menace - it's good to see somthing with a goodly helping of darkness to be fought against... I expect this to be sitting on real bookshelves in the not too distant future. Thank you. KA.

lionel25 wrote 640 days ago

Samantha, your first chapter starts off on the right note. Good job on this section. I don't really have a nit but a suggestion. I couldn't visualize how Kelsey was spinning the umbrella. You could probably add: while spinning an umbella like a drum majorette.

Backed with pleasure.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Gingernut wrote 647 days ago

A horrific start to your story with bodies in the hall. Did Tristan do it or see it?

Gingernuts

WJ Stephens wrote 655 days ago

Reading the pitch, I did not think this was something I would care to read, but once was exposed to the brilliant character developement, even in the few first pages, I was mezmerized by how the writing egged me to go on.

Clearly backed :)

R.G.

nsllee wrote 658 days ago

HI Samantha

Good dramatic opening. I like the way you don't clog up the narrative with great chunks of exposition, but trust the reader will be patient enough to wait for the answers to all their questions to be revealed. The first chapter sets up a situation with lots of future conflict, intrigue, drama and the possibility of self-realisation for the children. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

John Warren-Anderson wrote 661 days ago

Chapter one the end, egh. Wouldn't that save us all a lot of work. But I digress.
I like the way you swing straight into the story. I like the way the characters are instantly fleshed out.
Backed

Stephanie225 wrote 676 days ago

I read Chapter 3.
It was pretty good.
A few nitpicks:
“The dark circled that encased Kelsey’s eyes.” The dark circles?
“Maybe they would mould into this friendship group after all.” ….Meld?..Merge? become part of?

John Connor wrote 682 days ago

Very nice hook-loaded pitch, with enough hints to suggest this is part of an ongoing sequence of novels. The writing is confident and relaxed, which made for an easy read in many respects - no violent twists or turns in the plot line to throw the reader. Also the characters have hints of back story and history, which is also nice - they didn't just appear out of nowhere.

There are a couple of times I felt the sentences ran on a little (nothing that couldn't be adjusted by a good sub-editor) but then it may well be me, having just come from reading a staccato-style mystery.

Read and enjoyed, and Backed with pleasure.

CarolinaAl wrote 685 days ago

Feya and Kelsey are sympathetic characters. You have a talent for description and you use it well in this story. For example, 'Kelsey's glossed up lips bent in a smirk.' You enrich your narrative with superb similies such as 'bowled out like a mellon' and apt metaphors like 'the box with all her emotions inside.' Your dialogue reads real and deepens your story. Your world building is thorough. Your pacing held my attention. This is a captivating YA fantsy with romantic and action elements. Backed.

Stafford and Melton wrote 686 days ago

Okay, so I had five minutes real quick and you're on our shelf, Ms. Samantha! :) I promise to actually devote time to read and leave real comments later, but so far I'm really digging the way you describe things and I'm drawn in. Will be back later~
Melissa
Burns Like the Sun

Mooderino wrote 686 days ago

I'm pretty sure I've already backed this (I'll put it back on my shelf just in case it didn't register) but here are my comments.

Technically it reads very well, the script is pretty polished, no obvious mistakes or typos. Occsaionally the prose was a little on the dense side for my tastes, too many adjectives and detailed descriptions of minor things that slowed the pace and distracted from the story a bit, but as i say very much a matter of taste. I think the sense of aimless youth pissed off with the grownups is well conveyed and the general vibe is consistent and engaging. Happy to back (again).

Katy Christie wrote 688 days ago

You quickly draw the reader into the world of Embers - not got to the Demons yet - with good writing and dialogue. Sorry I can't read any more, but I am backing this as I think it will do well.
Katy Christie
No Man No Cry

Daniel Manning wrote 689 days ago

Very interesting story and your pitch is great. Ashes to Embers should do well in the young adult market.
Backed with pleaure.
Daniel Manning.
No Compatibility

Samantha Cook wrote 693 days ago

The line about her balance - I wrote it that way because that's my tone.

The back-story is important to the rest of the novel so that's why I've chosen to write it, I kept it short, and I have other reasons for doing so, such as pace & characterisation suggested by other critics.

Some of the other lines you commented on were changes made by an editor.

Never sent a nudge in someone's direction? Never nudged someone? You've confused me there...

When giving constructive criticism the idea is to do more than just pick out what you don't like, and bluntly say why you hate it. Maybe some of your points are valid, but all I feel is that you ripped through it with little thought so I can't take you seriously.

Nick Poole2 wrote 693 days ago

There's too many off-notes here, mostly convoluted phrasing or over-explanation. I'll pick out some examples.

"..adding a new challenge to Feya's balance?" eh? Why not "testing Feya's sense of balance"?

Those dirty blonde strands are a point of view violation.

"suspiciously sweeter than she regularly used"...sweeter than usual?

"She suppressed the urge to groan and failed". Eh, again? So she DIDN'T suppress it? Why not she failed to suppress a groan?

"...and recognising him was second nature to her"? I don't mean to be flippant, but are you sure English is your first language? She recognises him...it's not a special skill, is it?

"sending a nudge in Feya's direction" How do you do that then?

Then we have the copious mistakes thing, where Kelsey becomes a her, or you are confusing the subject of the thought.

I think you should write in simple nouns and verbs. Keep it simple. What happens, just that. Skip backstory.

zan wrote 699 days ago

Ashes to Embers

Samantha Cook

"...this time good can never win without becoming evil." I love this thought in your short pitch. Nice engaging themes here. This has great atmosphere and a nice mix of characters. Your chapter one "The End" is nicely written and takes the reader along effortlessly. I am not a big nitpicker and also don't read with editing issues in mind, so forgive my lack of skills there - am sure many will come along who are more expert at this than I am. Your story seems very entertaining and I enjoyed it so far. Loved the abbreviations LOCAL! YOur imagination shows through in the writing and sentences you construct. "Hard way, easy way?" Can't afford to "get too attached" to this right now as time is short and will have to return to read more at a later time. Good potential here and I was happy to give it a spin on my shelf. Best of luck in finding a publisher Samantha. You are a talented writer.
Zan

Frank Zahn wrote 700 days ago

Smantha............I finally found time to carefully read all seven chapters of Ashes to Embers. The writing is whimsical, flowery, and feminine, which should appeal to young readers, especially girls. You might want to replace the "she stammered.........she worried.......Kelsey scoffed......." and the like with simply "he said....she said" so that the dialogue doesn't come off amateurish. That said, the story is clearly imaginative. Best wishes..............Frank

Francesco wrote 700 days ago

Well crafted and perfect prose.
Backed with pleasure.
Frank.
You may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book.

Deseaux wrote 701 days ago

Samantha:

Great plot line. Very relevant to today's young adult market, but with a story and narrative that will appeal to adults as well.
I like the real-world vulnerabilities of characters. Great descriptive writing.
Excellent work.

Christophe

Jo G wrote 703 days ago

I was pulled into this from the first couple of paragraphs and wanted to find out more. The story gets going rapidly and keeps the reader interested and the characters are sympathetically written so that I, as a reader, cared about what happened to them.

Lots of luck with it

Jo G

Wilma1 wrote 705 days ago

This stands out in its genre. You have a stunning first chapter and create a great backdrop for your story, blood gore bodies all over the hall and tristan in a trance. One line that stood out for me -the words" Dont get too attached," slithered into his ear. That is such an evoking line it made me shiver. This is well written and extremely visual.

Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

Tom Bye wrote 707 days ago

samanta
nice bit of escapism for the younger readers, move along at a nice pace .enjoyed the style , will read more
Tom 'From hugs to Kisses'

mongoose wrote 707 days ago

I WLd this after your debate about pitches in the forum - sorry it's taken me so long to get to it. I like the premise and think this story certainly has 'legs'... I'm also all for hard-hitting YA fiction. I did feel that you overwrote a little at the beginning in particular - I'd be tempted to go through doing an adjective cull (not that there's anything wrong with adjectives but you do use a lot and they make the prose a little overblown in places). I think you need the full-on shock factor at the start and, as it stands, you're slowing down your read.
Backed.

Owen Quinn wrote 708 days ago

This is high intensity stuff where the stakes are epic and the heroes are about to get their asses kicked and the world is about to fall. I'm exhausted already! So much happens but logically and you can feel the atmosphere of depression as the battle dwindles against them. Excellent.

puce moment wrote 708 days ago

Samantha

from the outset this reads as though it's a sequel to an earlier book - is that the case? This feels a little outwith normal fantasy genre both in the blend of the elements that you're using, and giving it a harder edge than usual. I can think of quite a few YA books in which the parents are murdered, but we're not often treated to descriptions of scarlet spalshes of blood while one of the children looks on.

Good dialogue and pacing: I think it could do with losing some of the adjectives here and here: I'm not sure it adds anything to learn that someone has chocolate brown irises or that there are gold skirting boards.

I found this interesting and readable, despite the fact that I'm not a fantasy fan.

Good luck with this one

Peter

LeClerc wrote 709 days ago

Hi Samantha,
you did read it correctly, 'serial killer in his own write'.

I have backed your epistle, 'Ashes to Embers' and I will read and comment later.
Hope you read and enjoy Danny.

Phil
Danny Murphy

Gillespie915 wrote 709 days ago

I immensely enjoyed reading this. Honestly I'm not that into fantasy but you managed to keep my face glued to the screen page after page. Your characters are very creative and your descriptions have good quality. The only constructive criticism I can offer is to work on the structuring of your dialogue, I got a bit confused at times, but that could just be me. Other than that this is truly something wonderful. Backed with pleasure and confidence.

Erin Adler wrote 709 days ago

Love the description at the start - really fresh and vivid. Amazing stuff with umbrellas and puddles. Brilliant interior shots inside the characters' heads too. Good balance of dialogue and action.
Backed!
Erin Adler (Bad Seduction)

Euphemus wrote 709 days ago

Samantha.
Your book is beautifully written. Your vocab and description work is excellent.
Only read one chapter but I was impressed.
Thanks for backing Flawless Murder. Can't remember if I backd you already, so I will back anyway.
Kind regards
Euphemus/David

chuckylivesinme wrote 710 days ago

This has a nice original thread, dialogue is real and draws you in. Also nice that the story is character driven and not driven completely by fantasy and magic. It works well. Well written, rounded, and compelling to read. Backed - Clair

Alecia Stone wrote 710 days ago

Hi Samantha,

This is an intriguing story. Nice vivid descriptions that made it easy to picture each scene. Watch out for an overuse of adverbs.

“Hey(,) Tristan,” I added a comma for direct address.

“You must be freezing,” Feya worried… As what follows the dialogue isn’t a tagline I would replace the comma with a period or follow with a tagline.

“Just calm down,” he told her(.) “Please(,) Feya.”

This is a fascinating read. Nicely written and was a joy to read.

Shinzy :)

Kristen Stone wrote 711 days ago

Ashes to Embers - A great read. Straight in with no messing. I loved every word. Backed with pleasure. Good luck.
Kristen Stone
Kianda Mala - The Monkey Man

EsmeCarpenter wrote 711 days ago

This is great stuff - I'm up to chapter three. These are exactly the kinds of heroes and heroines young adults want - and it's dark, gritty, thrown-in-at-the-deep-end stuff. I will definitely keep reading.

Good job.

Esme C

britneyjmartin wrote 711 days ago

Pretty incredible stuff you have here. I loved the opening chapter and found no errors. I will press on into more of your chapters this evening, I look forward to it.

Backed with pleasure,
Marissa
By Flame's Light

Lulubanks wrote 711 days ago

Brilliant writing...Crisp real-life dialogue...beautifully drawn characters...

Wilma1 wrote 711 days ago

Wow a hum dinger of a start it was all very crepy and weird. You have set your story off to a fast moving start and make it a 'must know more' read. I wouldn't want to read this at night it one of those books that stays with you all day. Well crafted congratulations.

Sue Mackender
Knwing Liam Riley - I hope you like it

charlieath wrote 712 days ago

I have only read chapter one but am intrigued by your story. You seem to have an original idea which plays out well in this opening, and your main characters are both believable and likeable. The reader feels their emotion as they reel from mourning to fear. I will move this to my watchlist as I want to read more :)
Thanks, Charlie

George Anderson wrote 712 days ago

Samantha, I am totally immersed in your story in the space of a few paragraphs! The scene, the mood, everything is so clearly communicated. You show me; you don't tell me. So many people fail in that regard. The emotions in this opening are so intense! You are affecting my mood!

Keep up the good work, and I will be back for chapter two!

greeneyes1660 wrote 713 days ago

Samantha, Very unique approach, definetly magic with a twist. I like the MC's very much and the opening scene aids us in emotional attachment to the three immediately. Your pace is goo and you build tension and intrigue well.

I dd find the dialogue a bit stiff in places...The dialogue between the three is fine, more natural, but when you introduce the other young characters, it felt a bit choppy and stiff almost formal sounding, just a thought. I know this is going to do really well. I really enjoyed it. I do hope you upload more Backed easily Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the heart

samtowle wrote 713 days ago

This is a really well put together book, its obvious from the start how much thought you have put into it. The story flows really well and I'm sure you'll have much success with this book.
Backed!
Sam (Fallacy)

carlashmore wrote 713 days ago

I cannot fault your pitch or your prose. I've read three chapters and this has to be some of the finest YA writing on the site. It is highly professional in its structure, characterisation and pitch. Lovely descriptions like 'envy strung ino her system so tightly that is was...' just elevate this to a masterful work. Your dialogue was sharp and perfectly propels your fascinating story. I thought 'LOCAL was an acronym of genius.
Well done
Backed with pleasure.
Carl
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Vanessa Darnleigh wrote 714 days ago

Feya her stomach go hollow... = ?
This seems to be very smooth and written in the kind of style appropriate for this genre...best of luck
Stewart

Elizabeth Wolfe wrote 714 days ago

You have a great combination of romance and fantasy. This makes for an excellent commercial product. Very intriguing theme and good writing style. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

KirstyCrees wrote 714 days ago

Great read and wonderfulf dialogue.
Good Luck!
Kirsty
Prygon:The Circle of Dark Magic

Giulietta Maria wrote 714 days ago

Lots of tension, and well-written. Tristan, Feya, and Kelsey all have uniqe personalities that work nicely together. Backed.

MNielsen wrote 714 days ago

This is great! I love the story. Had me interested from start to finish. Can't wait to read more

Rakhi wrote 714 days ago

Brilliant plot. The characters are all very distinct and make an instant impression on the reader. Lots of intrigue and mystery right from the start. As soon as the reader starts to get comfortable, you pick up the pace. I like that you spent the very beginning establishing your characters and their friendship as that is very important to the story.
Backed with pleasure.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

eloraine wrote 715 days ago

This is really good, I loved it. I wish you the very best with it. E.Loroaine Royal Blood Chronicles bok one

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