IUDEA CAPTA

Hi Anthony,

It reads like an epic and you have got the setting right a story of that era. The tumultuous journey of the brothers David and Judah will remain in my memory for a long time to come, because not very often do I get a peek into historical tales. I can see this book from the point of view of a movie and if so, the screenplay is already there.
I shall read more when time permits but am satisfied with what I read.
For now I have starred it highly and placed it on my WL until a slot opens up on my bookshelf soon.

all the best Anthony.

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

Thank you all for your comments, sorry I have been away for so long but I'm back now and as always I appreciate your comments and support, I may have some new slight additions at some stage so keep your eyes peeled!

Ant x

This is an extremely interesting period of time for me, and I quickly read several chapters and would love to read more. A lot of potential.

Oh Anthony... (sigh) what should I, could I say...? You write with a skill I have not seen since my good friend left authonomy. Religious parameters being his strongpoint. I miss his writing, but I think I have found him, again, in you.
The ease with which you lay out your background story, weave your MC's, is enviable. Well done, At! This is definitely a winner in my book...
Millie x

An excellent start. I shall read more.
Small nits: 'tickled his throat' seemed a little weak considering what the smell and smoke was caused by.
'He then looked up'. --miss out the 'then'.
You repeat streets of blood/rivers of blood -- another analogy perhaps?
I hope this is helpful.
Best wishes, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Anthony, I enjoyed your first chapter. It's obvious you've invested some time and research into this.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Good read...nice change from much of the work on the site.

Lockjaw

Iduea Capta
Backed with pleasure
Lenny Harry
((Like a dot on the horizon)

Fascinating! Sometimes I like to learn as I read and this did exactly that. Your writing style is great and anyone can see you've put a lot of time and research into this. You really made this vivid to the reader and Judah is a wonderful main character. Thanks for sharing this with us.

Missy

Intersting stuff. It reads well, nice flow and pace to it. You say the fighting started with a small trigger, bu thten the ambush of the tax collectors was harldy a small thing. It seemed to be premeditated and quite a big event, and the reason (the actual trigger) wasn't really explained. If it's just that they're tired of paying the Romans that's quite a generic issue that dopesn't seem to fit in with how you set it up.

The fights seems to be very one-sided. I think it would make for a little more excitement if the romans weren't quite so easy to beat. I liked the oil on the shield idea but otherwise they seemed to go down very easily.

Overall it was a pretty action packed start to the story and well told. Backed.

Great setting and a gripping scene at the temple, the catalyst for the Jewish rebellion. You've obviously done your homeork, and thrust us headlong into the conflict. I'm curious to see how your characters fill out.

Some of your sentences are a bit wordy, and you should do an edit to take out unnecessary ones "the fires that raged around". Take out "around". "Bloood released by thousands of blades" could be shortened by taking out "blood". You mention it three times in one paragraph.

Still, this an excellent story in a beautiffuly visualized world. Backed with pleasure!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

You have good idea and and a strong writing skill, but this isn't my sort of thing I'm afraid but definitely deserves going on my watchlist

Craig Phoenix

Anthony
This is going to be a gripping tale of backs to the wall courage, but we knew that of course. I've only just started, and well and truly drawn in although I can see from the narrative and comments below that you're still working at it. The idea is good, the telling (so far) excellent. I wish you every success with this story. Backed.
Alistair Forrest, 'Goliath'

I love historical fiction, especially Roman, and this has great potential. I agree with Raymond, breath life into your characters and show your scenes, don't tell them. I want to be in Judah's sandles, seeing his world through his eyes. Best wishes.

I thank those who still support me for their loyalty- i will try to reward it in what ever way i can! Ive been away for a while with exams but now im back! I have taken to experimenting with poetry and i'm thinking of including the following to the beginning of the book. Tell me what you think!

Jerusalem the bride



I mourn for thee, Jerusalem,
A bride defiled, your treasures ransacked.
Brutally murdered; your blood running through the streets.
Your corpse burned- fire everywhere that consumes, destroys.


Gehenna comes to thee, Jerusalem.
The fire, the torment, the torture.
Your punishment as a vipers nest,
Home to zealots fighting amongst themselves.



I pity thee, Jerusalem.
Noble your quest for freedom, justice,
Perverted by extremists out for blood.
Your dying screams pierce the air, pierce the soul.

IUDEA CAPTA
Anthony Parker

Read your pitches and backed this some days ago Anthony, left comments on the pitches before, but only just had some time to dip into your chapters. As far as the historical aspects are concerned, I am not competent to comment, but I totally respect and rely on the expertise and knowledge of Raymond Terry who I think has made a very constructive comment on this aspect of the writing. As far as use of language and storytelling ability are concerned, I am very impressed. This has a very authentic feel to it and I like the atmosphere and tone you manage to create. You have nice descriptive abilities and I also enjoyed your dialogue. "Regroup!" the centurion yelled as the Romans fled the scene leaving the chests behind them. After bloody fighting in the narrow streets of the city, rocks being thrown from the windows and tiles raining down from the rooftops, the rebels drove the occupiers out of the city." Your writing is very vivid and feeds the imagination of the reader as you create lively, energetic scenes full of action and activity. You have obvious talents as a writer and this has wonderful potential. My only suggestion is as Raymond Terry advised, you could perhaps flesh out your scenes a little more - your writing is delicious and your choice of words a treat to read, and fleshing it out some more would indeed increase the reader's delight and make the writing more substantive and effective. Happy to have given this a spin on my shelf Anthony and I hope it does very well.
Zan

Anthony, a good story that could become a great one as this tale is as close to an epic story as the Babylonian captivity was. As I read these eleven thousand words my one comment is that here you have presented what is almost an outline for at least ten times that amount of text as a minimum. You need to develop Judah and his brother and perhaps even look into the motivations of Titus Flavius Vespasianus and his father, about whose reign we know little. What we do know is that he rewarded 'friends' that would toady to him. Such even included such luminaries as Publius Tacitus, Pliny the Elder, and Caius Suetonius Tranquillus. Also,I take your Josephus to be Titus Flavius Josephus, the erstwhile historian. If so then Judah and David are probably correct in the opinion they offer early on,since the 'Bellum Judaicum' is nothing if not pro Roman and that Josephus was a bit of a snake. Develop that tension they must have felt during encounters, either before or during the siege. Yes, Josephus was a Jew but even he was almost apologetically so. He introduced himself as a Greek and proved he could switch horses faster that a politician time and again.

Although the tale of Masada is well known, even through the writings of Josephus, you could enact a transformation in David's character there as he witnesses the courage of his fellow defenders against the backdrop of siege by General Flavius Silva. Your epilogue, expanded from the few paragraphs,could encompass the restoration of Jerusalem and perhaps even a despondent Flavius Silva as he watches the pogroms against Romans enacted by Vespasian's younger son Domitian. That old world just keeps spinnin' you know.

All in all your 'Iudea Capta' has much merit but it needs fleshing out. I know you can do it....RT

Hi Anthony, A dark time to portray for the Jews. Judah’s heroism is aptly characterized, his passion for his homeland, and the secret messages within his peoples. The succinct, strong scenes could transport me to the time and it’s a perilous beginning when the Romans were so difficult to defeat. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

THank you, Anthony, for your Backing.

IUDEA CAPTA has a good plot with lots of tension and action.

Needs a lot of polish. Passive voice overused, and too many malaprops. Italicised thoughts do not need attributions.

I Chapter 2, for instance, the messenger meets two other mounted men.
I recommend changing "facsimile" to "twin."

Judah's review of the ambush satisfied him. He could barely restrain his impatience for the legion to march within range.

An extra space between paragraphs will suffice for a brief break and transition.

Hobnailed sandals do not clink and horses do not whine.

Well, that's a sample of what you need to do, Anthony. I will keep an eye on this. It has potential.

Compliments,

Richard Barnett

Like DP Walker, I don't feel quite qualified to make a comment on the technicalities of this plot. However, what I can say is I was drawn in not only by your sensory descriptions, but by the fascinating sense of location and urgency within the prose.

Backed with pleasure, because this is a delightful read.
Abi xxx

HI Anthony
First of all, you have picked a great cover. It's really bright and attractive and will draw readers in. I know little about the topic so can't really comment on the content. However as a reader, I found this interesting, poignant and insightful. All the best with it.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Mmm this is turning into a great read. Like how you have used sensory description to develop the opening scene (perhaps a few descriptive smells might have helped).
And I think you have captured time and place brilliantly. Didn’t like the shift of perspective to the Roman’s thoughts, thought it slowed the flow of the story.
However with the fantastic characterisation and the sense of being there that you create it’s minor. Great storyline you are developing

hey poeple, some really consturctive comments. how do i actually edit it or cant i yet??

Backed. Good stage blocking and stage business for the characters, now give us more psychological contrasts among the characters. Thanks for attacking a difficult subject. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

Dear Anthony,
I agree somewhat with Lj below. What's here is already very good but could be a little fuller, a little more engaging -- I hope that encourages you to write more. Your research seems immaculate and it's a fascinating period.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

I sort of want more, that is my first thought. I do know a bit about this period (Romans are my thing) but if I was coming in blank I wouldn't understand what this revolt is all about bar a bit a tax collecting. I felt I was missing the motivation. Or perhaps skip the opening scenes in the temple and go straight to the siege. Again with the siege I felt I was missing bits, I wanted to understand how absolutely torturous being holed up was for the Jews, I wanted to feel their misery and pain and understand the utter barbarism of what the Romans are doing. This was a brutal full out war and I don't feel like I am really there yet. I want way more description and details.
But having said this I enjoyed my read and this is an unfamiliar period of history which you illuminate way - I know nothing of Jewish rituals from the time so it's all interesting to me.
Backed.

IUDEA CAPITA
I don’t know much about Jewish history so reading this was a learning experience for me as well as enjoying a good story. It’s obvious you’ve put a lot of research into this. That allows your characters to come alive. Turns them into the kind of characters interesting to follow. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

backed with the utmost pleasure - well done
andy and vesna
When Spirits break Free

IUDEA CAPTA
Anthony Parker

Anthony,
I'm back to help with the pitches. I've included the missing punctuation, capitalised letters where necessary and fixed a few typos without altering the substance of your initial pitches. Feel free to cut and paste if you like.

"Historical fiction following the journey of Judah from rebellion to fighting in the arena for his life, and whether extremism does more harm than good."

“It’s funny, before we were arrested I was reading one of the Psalms and one of the lines struck me – 'how can we sing the Lord’s songs in a foreign land?' But we have, we have managed to make a life here."

Set in the tumultous days of the Great Jewish Revolt, IUDEA CAPTA is historical fiction that follows the lives of two brothers, Judah and David, who decide to fight against opressive Roman occupation of their homeland.

Following his capture by the Romans after Jerusalem's destruction, Judah is taken to Rome and meets a Roman family caught up in the politics of the time. There he learns how fanaticism seems to hurt those whom it claims to protect and has to fight for his and their lives in the arena.


Will be back Anthony when I've had a chance to read your chapters to leave a substantive comment on the story.
Zan

Anthony: I guess being a Jew, this worked for me. Normally I would complain about the lack of info in the long pitch but this time out, it worked for me, as I know the background. BACKED!

JC
The Obergemau Key

I need to point out, chapter 1 has uploaded twice for some reason> Im sorry folks but hopefully it doesnt matter much!! Thanks for the support xx

Anthony much research had to have gone into this. You have a true ability to take the reader into the past, and play your characters with skill and color so that it becomes compelling. CONGRATS on a well crafted book.
SHELVED for sure
I would really appreciate you giving feedback on my book as no matter how many comments I receive and it seems like I get a lot, I can always do with more

Best of Luck
Denise

Really well done historical Roman-Judea fiction. Your writing is suberb and keeps te reader pinned. Fascinating era and quite moivie-esque.

Happy to support you.

The Lord of the Dawn

IUDEA CAPTA
Anthony Parker

Anthony,
Started reading this and am enjoying it very much. Just a quick comment now as I don't have time to comment fully. I'll be back with another in due course. As a start, if you don't mind my attempt to be helpful, you need to capitalize several lettersin yoiur pitches - such as "historical" at the start of your short pitch; in long pitch "david", "jerusalem", "jewish", "romans" etc. Some typos re spelling, and punctuation issues - eg, full stop required at end of short pitch (after word "good").

Have to rush off now but when I return, if you like, I could tidy up the above pitches for you (I am no editor/expert so don't mean to be presumptuous here - but do let me know if you'd like me to help in this way...)

Will comment on your story soon Anthony. Happy to back as it has great potential.
Best,
Zan

thank you very much!! I hope the repettion of chapter 1 doesnt bother you but is was a mechanical error

This has a snappy, journalsitic style which pulls the reader along at a swift trot. The background is sketched in enough to anchor but not swamp. You do need to edit this for speech marks, commas etc but it is nothing too arduous. Judah is developing into an interesting character. Could do with a little more info to flesh out some of the others. Watch your use of the word 'lone'. Also, ask yourself if you need to double up adjectives. If it is dark do you also need black etc.
Just a few thoughts.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

evryone, i think the book is fixed now, the cahpters uploaded twice so chapter 1 appears twice.

cheers, a problem has just occured, my chapters have appeared twice in a row!

backed :)
Love, Susie :)

Dear Anthony, I love that you broaching the fall of Jerusalem with a wonderful story :) - may God give you the wisdom to finish it - I'm sure it has taken you a lot of research. It's wonderful that you quoted Ps 134:4. :) I "pray for the peace of Jerusalem" Ps 122:6 - I ask God to bless Israel & the Jews several times a day. Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your pitch, which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book. :) "When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
additional authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs." :)
backed :)
Love, Susie :)

pitch typos: re-read to see need of capitalization in proper name: Jewish, David, Romans, Jerusalem's (also typo of transpostion "la"), Romans, Roman - so many people helped me with my typos when I got my books on 3 month ago :)