Choosing Life

Spans the entire spectrum of human emotions. Powerful. Moving. Inspirational. Parts of it made me want to cry. Your descriptions are vivid and your MC faces a lot. I've only read a few chapters. I will leave a proper comment later, but BACKED for now and reading on.

Bragitta Shay
"REGENESIS"

Backed!
Splinker
B

Backed! Will you please take a quick peek at my "Spartan Heart," and if you deem it worthy, return the favor? Thank you so much! Best wishes for all of your writing endeavors.

Kristine Cheney
Spartan Heart

Good opening, but there's far too much back story pushed into chapter two. The details there would be better if they were allowed to emerge naturally in conversation etc. Some of it is needed for the plot development ( good plot btw), but not all.
I did think the plot line was first class, so I'm happy to give this sometime on my shelf.

I could have sworn I had read and commented on this before, but it sees not! It's an excellent crime piece, and you have a smooth and engaging style that works well. The prose is polished, although to be honest I was too drawn in by what was happening to really nitpick.!

Backed with pleasure,
Abi xxx

Hi Farrah. Much better than the original version, but I think you may have over-compensated in the first section with a touch too much explanation? I know I was the one not understanding why there were floorboards in a tent but I don't think you need to spell it out quite so much! The other thing I'm not sure about is how come nobody else wakes up when she is abducted? Why would her attacker take such a risk as being caught? It would only take one girl to wake and recognise him.

I liked your pitch so I backed your book - perhaps you could have a look at my books - thankyou and goodluck !

Hi Farrah,

Good premise. What a traumatic opening. This is a powerful story.

“Brad! Come in(,) Brad…” I added a comma because you’re directly addressing a character. I noticed there are other places missing commas in dialogue when characters are directly addressing each other.

Great vivid descriptions and good pacing. Believable characters and authentic dialogue. This is a page turner. A fascinating read.

Shinzy :)

You really have something here an amazing first chapter your imagery is so shocking. I was slighly thrown at the beginning as you mention tents but then their are floorboards but its probably me. I like the way Abbey thoughts of sharing her virginity with her husband in the future are used. It makes the rape all the more horrific. I wish I had more time to read but have to go and ern the mortgage money. I'm going to put you back on my W/L so that I can read more.

Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley -I hope you have a moment to look at it.

You really have something here an amazing first chapter your imagery is so shocking. I was slighly thrown at the beginning as you mention tents but then their are floorboards but its probably me. I like the way Abbey thoughts of sharing her virginity with her husband in the future are used. It makes the rape all the more horrific. I wish I had more time to read but have to go and ern the mortgage money. I'm going to put you back on my W/L so that I can read more.

Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley -I hope you have a moment to look at it.

Wonderful book Farrah. Hope to have it in my hands someday.

The beginning of this chapter had me scared and nervous for Abbey. The flow of your wirting is great. It had me hooked. I coudl feel mmy stomach sink as she was cought by the vile instructor. 2nd from last para missing 'The skin...'

Strong wiritng and strong appeal. Very different and real.

Kirsty
Prygon: The Circle of Dark Magic

The first chapter really caught me off guard, in a good way. Your writing flows with ease and the dialogue is very comfortable. Only thing I felt was lacking is that after the impact of the first chapter you go into in-depth explanations about Faith and the guys and we still don't know too much about Abbey--except for what happened to her when she was a girl. But even still, I backed this because I think you have a promising book and I enjoyed what I read thoroughly. Good Luck!

Best Regards,
Christa

Wow, great book, another in my list of books that I've actually read to completion. Now I'm dying to know how Brad and Abbey get together! You weave a good story and bring all the characters in well.

Well done and was happily backed
Denise

Often, I find myself avoiding books that start with a violent scene. Sometimes I just don't get the point of starting off like that, before we even know the characters. Also not a fan of cursing, particularly up front and if overdone. Your first chapter has both of these elements, and yet...it definitely had an effect on me, but not just th effect of being repulsed and put off. I felt as though in the few paragraphs before the attack, we have insight in Abbey and begin to care for her. And yes, the attack is chilling and graphic but I never felt that it was gratuitous, only factual. And yes, the group of young men are vulgar but again, did not feel that you were wallowing in this, only reporting. This is very well done, a gripping beginning and quite clever with the introduction of Brad into this tragic threesome. This alone invites me to keep reading, to find out how this horrible thing will influence them all. Well done.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Oh I like this book.Original, well written, great MC, real and believeable. Makes you want to care for her.
Backed - Clair

Hi Farrah,

I love the beginning, someone once told me that if I wanted people to read my work then the MC had to get their hands dirty in the first chapter. Box ticked! I hope you upload some more soon.
Shelved!

Phil
Danny Murphy

Hi Farrah, The tension of the writing kept me reading as it seemed very real. Abby’s perspective mounts from her shock and her panic. That the guards in the camp have talked of her begins a wondering as to which might have attacked or if it was an outsider. This was portrayed well with Brad’s intervention. Well-done! Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

This is a great read - I was really disappointed to reach the end! I hope you upload more very soon! Good luck

Backed with pleasure

This is a good story-I was crying after ch1 and laughing after ch2 -read all 6 but I want more.

Powerful and ugly scene to start the story, and a ghastly sight for Brad to stumble upon. Then on to 10 years later. I'm not sure why Faith has a downer on Travis ... oh, now I do ... can't hold his drink. Brad is a more solid character. Chapter 3 really picks up the pace, with a lively exchange between the two friends, and then with Richy too. Hm, what's this he's planning for the party? Meanwhile Jenna is having hissy fits. Two very different parties in prospect.

You write very well, Farrah, and develop strong, believable characters. The dialogue is natural, and the plot puts us through the wringer along with Abbey. As with all our work, there are places where this can be tightened up a little (some suggestions below) but overall it is a gripping and disturbing story leavened by moments of real humour ... backed.

Possible nits: Pitch: 'the devil that [who]'. 'be able to get passed [past]'.

Story: 'crashed through Abby's [her] jaw', you use names a bit too often. 'Her face was partially covered by the girl's [her]'. I'm not sure we need all the chunks of back-story in C2, e.g. the history of Faith's parents (you need it, as the writer, but the reader may not).

Only use one ! and ? at a time, only three dots ... and don't use capitals for emphasis.

(A tip for if and when you edit - use UPDATE rather than deleting and replacing as the latter can cause problems.)

This is ands intriging read filled with emotion that only compels the reader to keep turning pages. C W

Finally, getting around to comment, I wanted to read more than just a couple chapters of this! This is a very well written and interesting story. Abbey is such an awesome and strong character, I found myself admiring her. It's also a strong premise and you've gone about setting this up great, the pace works and it all felt very believable. I'd demand to read more but I'll just wait for the hard copy.

MIssy

Judging from the comments given below, you probably don't need any more advice...instead let me encourage you to keep on revising and reshaping your text until you are satisfied you have made the right changes. It takes time and a lot of patience...I can never go back to the text without seeing something that I know needs to be changed...good luck with it!
Stewart

the pitch is great and I was very impressed by the way that you built the tension in the first terrifying chapter and then the hook at the end, the actual identity of the rapist was great. I do feel that your prose could do with a bit of loosening up in parts but all in all this seems to have a lot of promise. I am happy to back this for its potential and wish you the very best of luck with it.

This has some dark depths to it!
From the very first chapter this grabbed me as a reader. However what I found very impressive was the characters and the emotions you are able to convey through them.
You have captured real elements of our society and written them into the storyline brilliantly. – Good luck.

Hello Farrah, your pitch got to me and then your book took me further. Congrats on a well crafted exciting book that seems to have the many components for success. Your characters spoke in my head well and they, like the scenes, were vivid in their colors. CONGRATS and BACKED by me. If you would take the time to "comment and "back" my book I would really appreciate it. BEST OF LUCK
Denise (The Letter)

Hi Farrah
Wow, what an opening chapter. Disturbing and horrific, but well written all the same. It takes great skill to be able to cover these kinds of topics. The whole concept is brilliant and I am dying to find out how things turn out for Abbey. Backed.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Farrah...I think this is a great story..Your opening scene is gut-wrenching and tugs at our heartstrings instantly connecting us to your MC. Abbey shows strength in overcoming one of life's worst fears, and hery friendship with Faith and their colorful neighbor makes for a wonderful mix, allowing us to become part of their little circle.

I am also taken in by Brad and his storyline and find myself equally invested in him. I think your pace is perfect, your flow seems natural, and I am quite disappointed that this is all that's uploaded.

As far as editing, we all need it that is why we are the writers, the furniture and they are the polish. It didn't detract from how I felt about the story and if I read your pitch in the store I ould definetly buy this one...Backed gladly..Please let me know if you upload more Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

backed
Splinker
"I've Been Deader"

You have set this story up really well, yes it needs editing to make it tighter but You'll get some good advice here.
Your premise promises the reader is in for a hell of a ride with your story.

There's quite a bit of overwriting in places, less is more as they say.

ie try,,Made an attempt to fall back to sleep.
Be careful of overusing 'ly' words

Also you forget to place a comma before addressing someone during dialogue.

Happy to shelve you for the obvious potential.
Melxxx
Impeding Justice

Great scene setting, great characterisation and very readable with an exciting start. Here’s how I think you can do even better – feel free to respond to any of my comments whether you agree or not.

Ok, first things first (and this is completely just being a perfectionist, not what every published book does but may give you an edge) your opening line could be a little more unique. You’ve set the scene and while that’s perfectly fine it’s always brilliant to show some originality in the opening line, as if you can hook a reader from the first sentences then you’ll be more likely to keep them.
It was a pleasure to burn. (Fahrenheit 451)
Jack Torrance thought: Officious little prick.(The Shining)
That’s just something to think about.

What I’m a little confused about is how Abby seems to be camping, able to see the stars and therefore is outside, but there are floorboards. While the language you use to describe the surroundings is brilliant, I’m not quite sure if they are inside or out. I felt like I need a few more ‘hints’, like ‘the floorboards of the terrace’ instead of just floorboards, or mention the walls if she can see the stars from through a window.

In a few places you’ve missed one or two words out which and, although may leave the sentence grammatically correct, actually leave the sentence incomplete to some extent. You can either make it into a complete sentence on its own or create another clause in these situations.
Little imperfections in the canvas combined with moonbeams resembled stars.
[The] little imperfections in the canvas combined with moonbeams resembled stars [that/from with more description].

Bouncing her around like in the bumper cars her and her brother used to play in
This is a little awkward at the moment, especially from the repetition of her. Try rewording it, maybe: Bouncing her around, reminding her of the times she used to play in bumper cars with her brother.
I love this line as it reminds the audience of her childhood before it’s taken from her.

...at the end of her cot, startled her...
You don’t need the comma here =]

The moment where Abby is taken is a fantastic point in the plot which I think you’ve underused. I think you should have the amount of text before this scene begins, and then spend more time building up the tension with the intruder. Maybe at first she thinks it’s her friends but then unease sets in her mind. When the intruder comes in to grab her, put up a fight, even if it’s to describe her failure; time passing in the scene and the amount of writing are not directly linked.

Thin but well developed body – this felt a little technical rather than descriptive. It also pulls the reader out of the action when they realise what you’re trying to add in here as it’s not closely related to what’s happening. Keep this information in your mind so that you can use it later e.g. (and this is a terrible example) if they are trying on clothes or comparing to another character (Sarah was slightly larger than Abby), but it’s not too necessary as readers generally prefer to use that imagination with that sort of thing.

She could see she was being dragged – this feels a little distant seeming Abby is the one being dragged. At the moment you have an over the shoulder type of narrative so maybe describe the situation - notice the forest getting nearer from the corner of her eye, her feet being dragged through the mud etc.

I think you’ve placed the twist at the end of the first section perfectly. All I can say is maybe put the name on a separate line to isolate it from everything else. It will make the delivery of the line even more powerful than the ellipsis and will help it to stand out further. Overall, this is fantastic so you really should be proud.

Chapter one is just so damn powerful. Beautifully written, it grabs you from the opening lines and doesn't let go. There are some lovely descriptions (working deeper into her back. Nice!) and your dialogue is succinct and telling. This is very good writing and a fascinating story.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Just finished the rest of what you've posted. Please put more on soon. It is frighteningly fascinating. I have already backed it and am keeping it on my shelf.

Hi Farrah, this is a very dark story but it's also an inspirational one. More please.
BACKED!
Best wishes,
Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

This was too long to go in your message box, so I put it here. I will erase later if you like.

Hey, I was right in the middle of a going through it slowly with you and I lost track of time on my computer (I’m at the library) and got kicked off, so I lost it--but I will do it again tomorrow. You know what passive writing is I’m sure but I’ll go over the examples again later—then intuitive sense comment was referring to the following:

“The silhouette she saw at the end of her cot, startled her for it was not belonging to abbey’s tent.”

This is the first example that stuck out in my mind. ‘the silhouette she saw…” is passive and lets the narration come between the character and the reader. I went over this is some detail but as I said that is lost so I will redo it tomorrow--the part that was a bit awkward intuitively was the following:

“..startled her for it was not one belonging to Abbey’s tent.” When elements of a narrative are outside the norm of experience you have to ground the reasoning behind it in the text. It is outside the intuitive norm of experience for some one to be able to identify a dark silhouette in a dark tent; things like this are hard to distinguish. In a tent full a many possible dark silhouettes how did Abbey know that this one did not belong? To be able to distingusih one dark shadow from another is beyond the scope of intuitive possibility and the reader will be off put that you have taken away from the realism by suggesting Abbey can identify all the silhouettes in her tent without given a good reason why she has this ability. In fact, it would be hard to explain this at all, as even if she knew them all very well, one silhouette is very much like another one. So.. that was what I meant. As writers, when we have a short sentence that needs to be balanced out we often add details like character development, or plot points, or little details that bring the story to life—but when you are rounding out a sentence you must try to ensure there is some intuitive cohesiveness.

Also the comma after “cot” is unneeded as your main clause continues.
Also, “belonging to her tent” is more fluid and less tedious, as your reader knows you are still referring to Abbey.
Also, remember you first sentence is the most important sentence in a book. It’s the first thing an editor or a publisher will see, so you want to use it to your advantage. The one you have is more than a little cliché so be careful there also, such beginnings have been done a million times my a thousand people—it’s very Victorian and you area a modern writer. Be bold with fresh metaphors and symbolic elements that make a strong statement about your character or the theme of the novel.
Also, try to write in your everyday language whenever possible. If you are writing a period piece then its ok, or if the overall tone is going to run in those lines--but for the most part using older usages in a contemporary piece is not a good idea: swinging back and forth between narration patterns make for a lot disparity in your style, and you should avoid that when possible. In each age writer’s write in their own culturally define voice. It a contemporary narrative you should too. There was a time when people might have said “for” it was not belonging to… in their common every day speech, and when the Victorian’s use “for” in their narration is sounds contemporary because it was part of their everyday speech—it is not so much a common form now, so it reads a little more pretentious and the reader can sense this in your tone. A writer writes form the heart. Honesty cannot be faked so be yourself and you will come across with a true honest style that feels real to your reader. You are not going be able fake a voice. So just be who you are and it will show.

I hope this is helpful. I fyou ned advice on passive writing as I sai I will write more tomorrow. I think you have a good story that is marketable and I wish you luck with it.

Cheers
blueboy

Hi Farrah,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

OK, all and all I like your voice here. You have a good narrative as far as structure goes, so I can see you have a story to tell. ANd thats good, the first every writer needs is something to say. At times, however, you do lean toward the awkward side with passive prose, and some of you filler used to balance out your lines seems not to make intuitive sense, so be careful when rounding out your sentences for flow. Otherwise, this was a compelling read that held my attention and made me curius about the character, which is a good sign. Based on the plot and the first few chapters I will back your manucript and wish you well. I did not read enough to comment on your plot structure but if you weave one in I predict this will be well-received. Based on the pitch and your strong story telling voice I will back your manuscript. Please read my book, The Age of Rhinestone, when you have time and let me know what you think. Feedback is welcome.

cheers
blueboy

This is thriller fiction at its best! No doubt here for publication. You are a talented writer and I have thoroughly enjoyed what I have read so far. BACKED with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Not for the squemish is too right, you write with feeling and a gritty reality that makes for a story that will haunt me for far too long, well done and I do wish you well but hope you will forgive me for not reading on, All the best Maggie

This book is disturbing and dark, but the reality is that, unfortunately, this could be a true story in any town anywhere in the world. You have done a tremendous job of capturing the horror of sexual assault and abuse and the twisted mind of the perpetrator. Not for the squemish, but well done.

D.E. LaRiviere (AKA Milo Saint) "Six of One" and "The Hand of Cain"

Unfortunately for me sometimes fiction mirrors real life. You have the emotions down Very real fiction. Well done.

Breathtaking emotional ride written in a edgy voice. Well done.

I hope you will give mine a read and back it if you like it.
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

WOW! This is exciting and well written.

bacled

In the pitch 'internal turmoil' sounds a bit awkward, would 'inner turmoil' not be better? That said, it's the sort of pitch that would make me buy the book.
You certainly know how to write about fear. It haunts the whole book and rises to an almost unbearable pitch when we realise Chris is free. My sort of thriller. Backed. Lynn

Welcome aboard, Farrah. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch TELLS instead of SHOWS. The long pitch needs to be broken down so it reads faster. End it with one succinct question to pique the reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Hi Farrah,
Excellent premise, excellent writting - Very worthy of shelf space.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

I have only read chapter one but am backing it immediately. Your descriptive narrative had my heart pounding with fear. Reading the rape scene put you inside the victim's mind. The change of pace to the patrolling Brad was done well and didn't lose the impetus of the tale. It is really impressive writing and compuslive reading. I have a great many back reads that I need to get on with, but they'll have to wait, I'm going to read the rest of what you've posted first. Best of luck with this super novel.

With a pitch like this, my first instinct is to buy the book. Backed with pleasure

This is a riveting tale so far, and although it's disturbing in subject matter, I find it's so well done and compelling, I want to read more. Backed with pleasure.

Amy
Love Match