Dear Lily

09 August 2010
Dear Lily has an opening with all the clout of the proverbial 'Dear John' letter, with which nine out of ten ex service men or women will be only too familiar, except on this occasion it is the even more cold blooded deep-sixing message so beloved by organisations and corporations everywhere. The saving grace , if any, in this situation is that the victims are being informed in a face to face. The bemused air, half shocked half scared, with ludicrous humour prevailing is excellently captured by the writer and eloquently described in enjoyable prose. The dialogue is realistic in the extreme and adds to the credibility of the scene. The storyline develops without deviation and as they say in the movies 'The plot thickens' and it really does as it continues to hold the reader's interest. I particularly like the device whereby the proposed cutbacks allows for doubling up and provides a lighter element and how mayonnaise can divert an honest and devoted intention. This story has legs and in the very capable hands of this accomplished writer is sure to do well. It certainly gets my vote. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

Good writing, fast pace. A lot of dialogue but it clips along. Hope the rest is like the beginning. I'll try to read more later.

Rand

Hi Holly, This is absurd, considering Schram’s usual investigative reporting. His personality comes out well in the meeting – that was quite a scene and it makes one wonder about the cutbacks at newspapers. It makes me think that he’ll take his usual interests to the Dear Lily column and something will become connected there. The writing is convincing of his journalist’s perspective and life. Happy to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

This is really well written. The dialogue is sharp and you have believeable characters. My only suggestion is that you make more of your pitches. this is your shop window for this site, so make the most of it. Put more information about your book to entice potential readers. Your writing deserves the best exposure you can achieve. Backed with pleasure. Colin

Dear Lily
You have created a master character in John Scham. Your style and presentation is professional and you sure have served up a treat with this one. Strong, solid writing.

Happily backed

The writing is of a very professional standard, technically no problems, read well and good flow and pace.

I thought the narrator was a woman until you stated otherwise. Not a criticism, but thought it worth pointing out. Possiblythat was intentional, I found it a bit confusing.

The newsroom stuff worked well, liked how you gave him the agony aunt job, and the dynamic between different characters was well handled, enjoyed that stuff.

The story he's looking into about the comptroller and corruption felt a bit familiar, bit of embezzlment, dodgy contractors etc. wasn;t that taken by that storyline so far. Would help, imo, if some of the charactyers were a little more interesting, the comptroller for a start. A matter of taste though.

The family stuff was vey well done. I think you had a lot going on there and got it across with great style. The problems with his kid had a strong sense of problems to come.

btw there is a section in ch2 that you seemed to have left a section highlighted in yellow.

Overall a very accomplished piece. Happy to back.

I like your setting in the newsroom and I like that through your use of dialogue, we get the busy, humming vibe that I imagine a newsroom to be like. You do a good job with that dialogue, and with introducing the characters through what they say rather than expounding everything to us. I do agree that the pitch could be improved--I'd make the short pitch more personal and give a little more story in the long part--and you don't get much of a feel for the humor in these pitches. But I really do like the story here and think that it's very well written. Great job.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Hi Holly
You really managed to capture the buzz of the newsroom here and there is some really expertly crafted dialogue between the characters who interact really well. You've also set up the story with John nicely. I would try and make a little more of your long pitch if you can as you have a lot more space for words you could use to promote your book. Imagine you are writing to a publisher and take that approach. Otherwise a really good read. Backed.
DP Walker
Five Dares

It was the dialogue that got me on this, perfectly, wonderfully realistic cast of characters. I was right there in that meeting looking around at all of the various reporters and seeing real people. There's a real sense of voice, and that's wonderful to see.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Personally, and I hope you take this the way it was meant, I would have liked to have seen more actual narrative in your long pitch. Tell us more about John, and about the journey is to embark upon. That said, I thought your prose was delightful - fluid and accessible with an excellent use of first person. Your dialogue is sharp and witty and there is a great deal of potential here.
carl
The Time Hunters

Dear Holly --

Dear Lily is plain fun for starters; this is a book we would pick up to take us through plane rides or lazy afternoons because it promises and delivers a sweet read. We wish you had more uploaded so we could finish it all, but from what's here, John Schram is a multi-faceted MC. Yes, he's a reporter and definitely a guys' guy, but he's not especially bothered that his wife makes more than him or even that he'll be taking over Lily's column, other than a token protest. He's likely, believable, and not a stock character. We also have the sense that he'll be finding out even more about himself as he begins to give advice to the lovelorn, answering questions about his own place in the universe.

One suggestion: consider giving us his name sooner. We did not read the pitch first, and we were through a good bit of the first chapter before we knew for certain who "I" was. If he could even take a quick phone call on his way into the down-sizing meeting, it would help; you use that effectively later in the chap. A small issue, easy to remedy, however, in an entertaining, happy read.

Backed with pleasure. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Holly,

I"ve had two nights of reading books that make me want to get out my red pencil and scrawl on the monitor. Yours made me laugh because I've been downsized, rightsized, re-engineered and also seen my time between Harrisburg and Philly. My *only* book is out of the drawer and on this beloved site. Mechanicsburg is in there.

Thank you for a moment of relief tonight. Good luck with "Dear Lily" - backed!

SueAnn Jackson Land
The Truth About Whales

DEAR LILY
This is an interesting story. I worked for a newspaper reporter for a short time so I recognized the authenticity of this. You’ve created a good character in John; I think you’ll find a wide audience of people (both male and female) who will relate to him because they’ve been downsized as well; will want to follow him to see how both his work and home life play out. Makes it a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Holly, this is an extremely funny and diverting book but I would never have guessed it from your pitch which reads like a sociological tract. Hope you don't mind me saying this but pitches are vital. It was only the 'comedy ' tag that made me read on. And since I have - backed. Lynn

It really sounds as if you were or are a reporter on a local paper. I myself have worked on local and national papers and this is good. I am backing this as I feel it might make it to the top of this site.
Take a look at mine, Three Stayed Home a WW2 adventure and love story which is in need of any help you can give. Luck with your book on this site, JophnJ

Holly this is too funny, I just love the letter 'loving mother' . I need more of you your work your mind. I am not a grammar buff as anyone on this site will attest, however I do know a bloody good read, and yours is. congrats. I do hope this gets on the book shelves I will buy it SHELVED for sure
Please take some time to read some of my book and give me your feedback. Though I get many comments they are always welcome, one can never get too much help.
BACKED
BEST OF LUCK
Denise

I'm constantly amazed at the number of well-written books that members here have written.

After reading your pitches and looking at your first three chapters, I enjoyed your story, and I'm happy to back it.

Rodney B.

Dear Holly, I love that your hero is an advice columnist & you have one on Ch 2, 3, & 4. :) I smiled & then laughed at each one - hope your write many more. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your pitch, which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book. :) "When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
additional authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs." :)

backed :)
Love, Susie :)