London in Love

Hi James, I've had this on my WL for so long and finally got here. Ok for a start, please excuse this ignorant kiwi. It wasn't until I was part way through the 2nd chapter that I realised this was based on a real person, and then I ggogled him and read everything about him there was on wikipedia! Wow. what a life this guy had. To be honest I'm a sucker for the great love stories and it sounds exactly like what he and Charmaine had. Reading this I actually imagined it like I would a movie, something like Walk the Line (the Johnny Cash movie) and I love that movie so that's a huge compliment. I think you have done a sensational job here, and used your artistic license to great degree. I love the part about Jack drinking the beer and getting drunk and then when his father (or not father?) asks him how he feels now he replies, suddenly pained, "I don't like it much". Classic.
I have rated this six stars and will keep you on my WL to shelve at some stage.
Thanks for both entertaining me and teaching me something new!
Tammy

Jack London is a good choice for a biography. It is interesting to watch the clash of love and ideology. And I have always thought his place in the American Lit canon was interesting: an all-American writer who entertained ideas that have usually been considered un-American.
Interesting writing on an interesting subject. Backed :)

London in Love sounds fascinating. I enjoy a good biography. I've watchlisted it for now. Good luck with it!

Re-backing this wonderful book about a wonderful writer - Jack London. I wish I'd known him. Such a short life, but what a life he had. And this story gives us the other great love of that short life - Charmian.

Before he (and we) meet Charmian, though, we have an utterly charming portrait of Jack's coming of age, and in this reader's absolute favorite chapter - ch.2, the man, in a place everyone associates him with, the Klondike. A picture of the tortured artist, but a controlled temper. A man in complete control of what he had to do. The frozen mailman of a Prospector is taken in like a whining husky dog and given grudging comfort - Jack knew his duty. This is all quite SUPERB.

A real writer on the writers' writer - and there aren't many of those around. A treasure.

From Kay with love for London and to James R. Goddard for making him live again
(*The Ragged Yellow Ribbon*)

This is a very interesting story you've written. I was instantly drawn in by your character Jack. You do a great job telling us about his life. I take it by your pitch he is a real person? That means you did a lot of good research to write this book. I do love true stories and learning about people. Your writing is good. It flowed well. Great job. Highest stars. Lacy

Hi James,

Many years ago I kept a diary into which I wrote favourite passages from good books. I still have the diary. There's an entry from The Call of the Wild, 'Buck was merciless ...'

This comes to you from someone who is himself fixated with the life of a great American writer (Hemingway). He and Jack London shared the view that life was for living, not merely existing. I'm fascinated by your vision here; this is a bold project and I'm loving it - I'm on ch 8 and will read it all. It's on my bookshelf.

Camac Johnson
Untouchable

James,
What a trip, staggering after Jack from situation to situation, each more beguiling than the last, should I say 'enough' or should I shout 'more' or should I just take things as they come? You've certainly demonstrated that reality is stranger than fiction and much of Jack's life could not have been made up from muse. You have a keen ear for dialogue, much as a piano tuner would have for being on or off key, and each sentence emanating from your characters is uniquely wrought. The poesy of your prose cannot be ignored, you weigh each word as an assessor would a nugget. Thank you so much for the inspiring read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

London in Love. You've written a pitch which excites my interest. I only know of Jack London and his books by name.

Ch.1. A clear picture of a boy in fog emerges, but - do you want nits? - perhaps you dont need the 'down' after descending. Both words convey the same meaning. Nor do you need the 'rather' and 'thus the frustration'. You've said it well enough without. With tightening up, the story will flow even better.
But now I'm going to enjoy the delightful scene of the son bringing a bucket of beer to his father. You have a gently humourous way with words, and have skilfully inserted a hint of back-story and character-drawing as well.

Ch.2. Snow 'floating on the air like a ballerina in mid-flight.' Lovely words.
You get well into the heads and thoughts of your characters, and your scenes are clearly etched in my mind.
'He wrote methodically to the tune of his own soul.' Brilliant.
And the Prospector in the freezingsnow, staring at his feet, seeing his mind's command being carried out...

Random thoughts and memories pepper your pages.

A bit of editing is needed here and there, but this is such a charming story - it must be even better than the play, which cant reveal your extraordinary powers of description.

I remember now, reading Jack London's books as a schoolgirl. You make me want to look them out again.
Thankyou for that heavy hint about returning your read!
More stars.
Jane (Breath of Africa).

James, everyone, including my own kids, remembers "White Fang" and "The Call of the Wild", and I remember "To Light a Fire" each time I try to do that!
I was swept along by three chapters of this gusty,sometimes clunky,story, which in various respects is like an old black-and-white movie that never got made. Its greatest appeal, of course, is the unrolling of how this materialistic tough snowbound guy, who only likes to like, is thawed out by the warm ethereal breezes of love, while Charmian, discontented and headstrong, gradually lowers her own defences. The dialogues between the two, humorous and character-revealing, point up the film-script feeling of the book.
I did notice some blips, and felt that they were just part of the territory.
High stars to the book, which has been on watch-list too long and will be on my shelf at my next re-cycle.
Please have look at "Pompey Chimes" (ask Emmett Delaney about it.)
David Grant

This is a terrific read. I love London's work but knew absolutely nothing about his life. Excellent stuff.

Hi James, read your narrative. well written, precise formatting of story. easy to follow dialog and simple straightforward descriptions.

A well written story and compelling read. Congrats.

Mohan

Enjoyable read, full of colour and prose.
Dramatic and strong, pithy narrative, well-written dialogue.
The dialogue is very believable, just like the characters.
Pitch, pace and powerful.
Pov add to the plot.
Full of emotion and tension, yet not too much to make reading tedious.
Good read.
Well done.

James,
I had forgotten about Jack London and his adventurous life. I really enjoyed the first chapter. The young boy and the bucket of beer is a beautiful episode that illustrates the heart of a young adventurer. With his adventurous personality, how could he not try the beer for himself?
The last line in chapter 1 made me want to turn the page. I did read through chapter 2. The Prospector's and Jack's talk about women made me smile. The last paragraph? Well I guess we've all experienced that, just being on authonomy and reading and helping each other along.
There were two lines in chapter 1 that I particularly liked: "His mom was a mother. His father was a dad."
"...all the possibilities excited his grey cells."
Good luck!
Georgia Peck
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

James,

This is such an enjoyable read! I remember reading the first chapter some time back and re-read it along with the second chapter today. I love the depth and personality of your writing and will be back soon for more. For some reason I hadn't starred the book before so I've given it six stars and its now on my watchlist.

Have a wonderful day! Thanks so much for your time with The Ark of Humanity and Lazarus, Man!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

An interesting task -to dramatise the life of Jack London - certainly one of the most fascinating of all American authors, whose life was very eventful. You have certainly captured an interesting episode in London's life , with best wishes from Strachan Gordon, watchlisted and starred.

Hi, Jim,

Just revisited Jack and Charmian London, reading chapter seven through nine. Once again a delight! In chapter seven we watch Jack discover the unknown passion he has for the poor., and we see a restlessness develop deep within the genius writer - there has to be more in this predictable, scientific life… Then in walks Charmian who kindles a small, unexplainable stirring within his soul.

Chapter eight - a dual that results in surprising passion and emotion.

Chapter nine - The dialog between Anna and Charmian is so believable - Like author, Nicolas Sparks, you are able to understand the inner workings of a woman. Not an easy feat - so I hear… Charmian wants to do the noble thing while at the same time, sadly, the distance between Jack and Bess grows. What is fair? What is right? What will happen? I’ll be back to read more of the life and love of Jack and Charmian London!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

James,

I‘ve just read through chapter six of Jack and Charmian London and didn’t want to stop! Everyone loves a love story -- especially when they are true, especially when the lover’s are so untamable and unorthodox.

Not realizing the love he needs, there Jack London sits, hunkered down in the eternal darkness of the artic circle -- a hearty man’s man, who listens to nothing but what sluices through his own peculiar mind.

Genius that you wrote “Writing took him to ethereal realms, where he could disappear, melt away within the firmament of imagination.”

You have written quite a few pearls… “And a mouth which could form a smile, like a river can form a brilliant canyon.” Another I liked was: “Her body turned but her heart could not.” And one more that I’ll remember for my own writing: “Keeping the gems, discarding the nonsense.”

Through dialogue, italicized background, and narration, you show us the inner workings of the complex, frustrating, and always loved, Jack London. The dialog between Anna and Jack was especially fun and easy-going. I liked their friendship. And also, the italicized thoughts of Charmian after she received the news that Jack was to marry Bess, was really effective.

I saw only one mistake to fix. Third chapter - “She was afraid to go completely go in that direction”

I suppose biographies are allowed to claim a little license to break some rules, but at times, I found the bouncing around from view point to view point a little distracting. Perhaps that’s because I’m a writer. It might not bother the average reader. Just something to consider…

All in all, I think this book was a very compelling tribute to the love and life of Jack and Charmian London. It is a tribute that will earn the place on the shelves of Jack London devotees - right next to his novels. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Bood

James, I have finally found some time to start reading this as promised. I'm keeping this on my watchlist and adding high stars. To be honest though - and it may be just me - I found that the story improves as it goes along; the opening chapter didn't grab my attention as much as what followed in the second chapter...but clearly something kept me reading! The characters are fascinating and I felt an appeal to keep reading those chapters and find out more about Jack London. Your dialogue, also, is impressive and forms wonderful scenes.

Best of luck with this. I will keep coming back to read more, and I'll let you know if I have more comments.

Diane Cannan
Drifters: The Impossible Sky

Hello James,

I read chapter one, and I love how you wrote this section.The first half reminds of a parable (which I love). It is simplistic, entertaining and to the point. Sometimes I think the simplest forms that are present in fairy tales are the best way to tell a message.

I liked part two as well since it told us more about Jack's view on education. I especially thought the quote from Shorey was a nice touch.

I"ll read more later on :}

Good stuff!

kind regards,

David

You're on my watchlist as I've been unable to access the book. I'm very much looking forward to reading your novel. x

As a child I wasn't fond of reading at all - the only writer whose stories I read with fascination was Jack London. So when I saw this book is dedicated to him and his wife I got really intrigued. Your opening chapter is beautifully written, from the very first sentence I am immersed into the story. To tell you the truth, I don't know a lot about Jack London's second wife, so my interest to your book was piqued even more. I'm totally prejudiced in favour of your book and give it my six stars with genuine pleasure.

Ivan Amberlake

I've read chapters 2 and 3 now of this unusual offering that crosses between biography and novel and isn't really faction. In these two chapters we see the grown Jack now writing away in his cabin and beset by a prospector who, like others before him, regales Jack with tales of his experiences. But we see Jack has experiences in his own right, quite amazing experiences, and he brings elements of them all into his stories. We see that his editor has arranged for a new person to go through his stories, a woman named Charmian. In the next chapter we meet her and find that she is indeed an unusual woman, especially for her time. She meets Jack and after a bit of sparring they decide they like each other.

This is, as I said, an unusual offering; one that many agents and publishers these days would have some difficulty with, I think. The voice is unusual- lilting, whimsical and on some occasions nearly flippant when the sentences are short and incomplete in the dialogue, a dialogue that in some cases you really wouldn't expect to find in that time period. There is also the alternation between the story unfolding and the backstory sentences that really read like a biographical essay. These are put in italics as are a few other sections that could remain unitalicized. This might offset the biographical sections more clearly. Then there is the switching of viewpoints from prospector to Jack, then later from Charmian to Jack. Usually nowadays they prefer that viewpoints remain with one person during a scene. But for some reason all of these things are forgiven in reading this work.

There are only a few areas though you might consider. In a few sections of description you have many darling sentences and it does over egg it bit. The snow section in the beginning of chapter 2 has a few too many. Though the images are all beautiful it just is too much. I think it's time to kill a few of those darlings:). When you describe Charmian at first you say she is "Distinct from other women. Different from the average sort. Really you're saying pretty much the same thing and I would just go with the first and leave it at that.

You also might consider looking at the sentence where you have "cultured starving and poor" because it didn't make sense, at least to me. Are you saying that the cultured are starving and poor" Or did you mean that the poor are starved of culture? And one little nit: "arctic" has two "c's" :) (one for each eye, ha ha). Good stuff, Kristin

I think Jack London would have been proud to know that such a talented writer has written about his short, but remarkable journey in life. You're narrative and dialogue is fantastic -- you have a solid gift with words. Six stars from me, and watch listed.

Best,
Michelle
~ Willow Lake Manor ~

Chapter 1

I've read the opening chapter and wanted to give you my impressions (I will read more, but I'm pressed for time). This opens with a distinct and almost lilting style with some modern overtones (the em dash and flippant asides) that somehow blend well with the historic time period of the novel to make for a very unique voice. It works especially well with the first scene that shows a young Jack getting his first taste of beer. You deftly establish the rural poverty in this scene and with your unique style indicate Jack's uncertain biological parentage while leaving us liittle doubt that John London cares for the little scamp.

The following scene at the library encapsulates well his source of love for books and writing that would feature in his future life. You choose an interesting approach to close the chapter with a wikipedia length version of the ensuing years that take him to adulthood all set in italics. This is of course not the usual structure of a novelized life of a famous person, but I think it works. It certainly rises above the factual reportage that sometimes is found on shelves.

There are a few little nits you might consider. On occasion you start with an em dash and then use a comma at the other side of the phrase. And another little nitty nit. You might want to look at the sentence in the opening section: "Its contents sloshing about and spilling over the rim, descending down upon... " If you just changed "sloshing" and "spilling" to "sloshed" and "spilled" that would make it a complete sentence. Alternately join it up with previous sentence using a semi colon.

Very different, very good. Will continue on soon. Kristin

Right back at you, James. :)

This is quite a love story, and you've rekindled my interest in London with it. Your style is unique.

After I read all of this, I read your bio and suspect that you are writing more for the ear than for the eye, which would account for some things I saw that looked funny but sound fine, including virtually all the spelling problems I noticed. (phase and faze, duel and dual, purist and purest... )

I think I'll go read some of your poetry now, and see if it is eye- or ear-driven.

Hi James,I read your book quite a long time ago.
I've come back for more...I'm glad I did, friend.
You have a wonderful story here.
Very well written and with excellent description.
This book has been written with a great deal of attention to detail and makes for a very good read.
I am pleased to back your book and to give it many stars. SHELVED.

Thank you for backing my book and drawing my attention to yours.


Best wishes,


Neville. The Secrets Of The Forest - The Time Zone.

Just to let you know, this really isn’t a genre I normally read.

Title: not really eye catching or interesting. Very to the point and no life.

Cover: No name, no title? Spruce it up! This should be helping you get reads.

Short Pitch: I think this can be whittled down to one sentence: The life of Jack London and his second wife, Charmian, who influenced her husband’s writings, life and philosophies.

Long Pitch: An interesting little synopsis here. It always confuses me when a book is about someone real, listed as historical fiction and then listed as Fiction...is this real at all? It might be, I suppose, I don’t have all the other tags.
Interesting pitch though.

Chapter One:

However seeing San Francisco was the...—However, seeing San Francisco...

Never-ending

Lifting his voice--? Is this like ‘raising’ his voice?

breastfeed is one word.

Stickball is one word.

...nothing in comparison to what he was learned when at the Library he was studying life and chasing his
imagination. – too much was-ing—nothing in comparison to what he learned when at the library studying life and chasing his imagination.

He would read throughout the evening and ponder...—He read throughout the evening and pondered the great works...

I think this would be better for an edit for repetition and excess words that can be cut out easily, for instance:

...and more wind and more fog...—and more wind and fog...

Jack, being thirsty as well as being tired...—Jack, being thirsty as well as tried.. (and then you say in the same sentence: tired of the never ending...maybe weary?)

The wind grabbed on to his word...The wind tossed his beard... –both in a row...

...or tried to grumble. He tried to look angry.

He tried to LOOK angry...He LOOKED at his don...The dad LOOKED at his son –watch the word look. In the short chapter of chapter one you have seven ‘look’s. That’s a bit much and you might want to see if it runs throughout your MS.

It was early evening. And every evening...

I am unsure of what to say about this, to be honest.

There are things to like, the conversation with the father is cute and enjoyable. The boy himself is fun. The father’s love jumps off the page. But, and here’s the but, while I think you have some great turns of phrases and narrative, I think your work can be cleaned up.

I find the constant ellipses and dashes to be a bit daunting and found some of the sentences were too long and could have been cut down to make this flow more smoothly.

I understand this isn’t my genre and I know Literary Fiction often allows for more rules to be broken, but I think this still can be cleaned up a fair amount.

I also wanted to make a note here of ‘was’. I found a lot of it in here. And I wonder if cutting it down wouldn’t be beneficial for allowing the reader to submerse in this more easily.

See, I love Jack London, I really do, so I found parts of this engrossing. I read on to chapter four but gave up listing out my suggestions for adjusting sentences because there were a lot and it is a time consuming task to do so. I have listed out a few from chapter one, I found the same sort of issues throughout, the repeating and the excess words, which detracted away from the quality of writing. (I found these careless as opposed to intended, but if I am wrong, then I apologize.)

I think your narrative is nice otherwise though. You don’t overdo the description, you don’t use overtly purple prose which is something I appreciated.

It looks as though people are really warmed up to this and so, maybe I am wrong about the repeating and distancing with ‘was’.

Good Luck with this!

T.L Tyson – The Reign Of Billie Blackwater

Good beginning. I'm glad you don't go overboard with your writing. You don't over describe or only use dialogue. You get a good mix. I don't know if this is a true story or not but it just seems to be. It think that maybe because it just seems so real. idk. I love Jack. What a good character to be at the center of your book.

"grey eyes" use gray eyes. unless you are in the UK which then grey is okay. However, both are okay. It's just that gray is more common in the US.

Hi James, I've had this on my WL for so long and finally got here. Ok for a start, please excuse this ignorant kiwi. It wasn't until I was part way through the 2nd chapter that I realised this was based on a real person, and then I ggogled him and read everything about him there was on wikipedia! Wow. what a life this guy had. To be honest I'm a sucker for the great love stories and it sounds exactly like what he and Charmaine had. Reading this I actually imagined it like I would a movie, something like Walk the Line (the Johnny Cash movie) and I love that movie so that's a huge compliment. I think you have done a sensational job here, and used your artistic license to great degree. I love the part about Jack drinking the beer and getting drunk and then when his father (or not father?) asks him how he feels now he replies, suddenly pained, "I don't like it much". Classic.
I have rated this six stars and will keep you on my WL to shelve at some stage.
Thanks for both entertaining me and teaching me something new!
Tammy

Jack London has long been one of my favourite authors. His stories of the South Seas were hardly PC but true of that era. The People of the Abyss about life in underclass London of 1901/2 still has resonance. This work deserves to be published.

As soon as I read your pitch, I knew I wanted to read this book. Jack London is a reading staple in our educational system and a pioneer writer. I had absolutely no idea he led such a compelling life and I was eager to discover more about this prolific writer.

You capture the beauty of the regions you describe exquisitely. In Chapter 1, where you wrote, "Seemed the earth sort of swallowed up his son, then regurgitated him back upon the dirty soil." It reminded me so much of California and how one moment you'll see a giant oasis, and the next rise in the road will reveal that it was just a seamless spread of land. Also, the first paragraph in Chapter 2 is one of the loveliest things I've ever read. Even in Chapter 10, when Jack is writing under the canopy of redwood trees, beside the creek; you've written a simple yet picturesque scene. It even seems to parallel the adventure he's writing about in a very succinct way.

This book is the merging of two of the best worlds; you've retained the elements of the script that keep the pacing, highlight the brilliant dialogue and keep the reader firmly centered on the place and time, yet you maintain the level of prose a reader expects to find in literary fiction pieces. I've not seen this done very often, yet when it is done correctly, just as you have delivered, it's a powerful and intriguing technique. There are so many parts to this book that instantly had passages appear as a film in my mind like literary apparitions. It was quite an experience to read it.

The storyline itself is very multifaceted. The details of Jack's life, his writings, the romance between him and Charmian, his visions and beliefs, as well as what was going on during that point in history, make this a full story. There were so many threads within this book that kept me interested as I read along. Even though I do enjoy biographical stories, I tend to lose interest in historical ones, but this was not the case with your book. This is one of times in history I know the most about because I worked at a national historical site centered around an event that occurred in the late 1800's, so I became well informed of the time period. Your details never failed me. I found everything to be quite accurate and you explored a lot of components which helped to expose what life was like during this time. I enjoyed that immensely.

I hesitate to say this, but I rarely find male writers who capture females so effortlessly and leave them to be the true beings that they are. You've done this so very well. I loved finding the 'Easter eggs' of honesty you've allowed into this book. From the absent-like mother Jack had, his views on females, to the independent will of Charmian, you have shown a true understanding of the nature of women. Too often writers are tempted to pigeon-hole women, especially during this era, but you skillfully avoided doing so and didn't disappoint me for even a single breath. Thank you.

The writing is charming and natural. I love that you realized that it was much more suitable for this book to opt for the way you've written it as opposed to utilizing more pretentious and wordy prose. It's as though you tailored your writing style for Jack's life and his very essence. I'm not sure if it was intentional, or the story just spoke to you in that manner, but it's pure genius to do so. It also fits so well with the pure Americana tone of your book. When I come across books so rich in description that are set during periods in America's developmental stages, I'm always enticed to read more. I often worry that with technology and our advancing life in the United States that such a thing will be lost, but I see books like yours as an excellent way to preserve it.

I enjoyed reading this and overall thought you had a unique style paired with a tantalizing story that left me absorbed. Best of luck with this!

OK, so I'm just gunna jot down thoughts as I read, hope that works for you.

I had to go back and check the genre when I first started reading. I see you don't list it as biography, which is fine as it is clearly set up as a story. That said, the short pitch does imply biography, where I think you might be better marketing it as a story inspired by the life... just a thought.

I can't help but feel as I read on that you are telling a story and the biographic link, at least at the beginning is tenuous. I can't help but feel that you cannot possibly know what he thought as a child...

"Jack, what with the beer half gone from the bucket..." This sentence is clumsy and could use reworking. I would get rid of the what, it's a unnecessary addition that one might use in speech, perhaps.

I think perhaps you have set it up like a film rather than a novel. As such it would work well, as a novel perhaps some restructuring could be considered?

Never start a sentence with AND!!! If you have read my other comments you will know that this is my biggest bugbear! A sentence needs to stand alone, therefore should not start with and.

The use of direct quotes is cool, it links it back to your original intention.

Library does not need a capital L. It's like saying the dog, you wouldn't say the Dog.

Aw, another sentence started with AND! I cannot stress enough how much this shouldn't happen!

"He excited"? Should this be "he was excited"?

Secondary is the wrong word and unnecessary. If you use "more importantly" in your next thought then this is implied.

Those are my thoughts on chapter one. I hope you find them helpful.

Best of luck.

Claire.

Hi James! Sorry it took so long to get to ya, (ADHD on here, yep, that's me ;0) You can certainly tell that you're a scriptwriter, I clearly see your opening interspersed with video feed of what you're laying out for us in your prose. What a great history to write about. And I look forward to reading more. May I suggest... if this is to be a narrative/novel Leave out your internal script writer-musings. In this work, don't spell it out so much. Be a bit vague so the reader can make the imagery/ characters their own. That ol proverbial, 'show not tell' should be followed. After-thought sentences like, "... thus the frustration" should be avoided (we already know by the opening, that Jack's frustrated.) Leave out things like, Oops, unless they are pinned to a character's thoughts or verbiage. That said, you're wonderfully talented and anyone can see you've got great inner-workings. Just don't put every thing down on the page. XO Shelved and highly rated. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane) Oh! yes, I am like 20 min from you!!

A great contribution to all things Jack for his fans.
6 stars

Dee Farrell
Warrior heart

I wish I could add something really helpful, but I'm far from competent to do so. All I will say is what a warm, and interesting story this is about a man with a rich, and diverse life.
Having read the pitch, and several chapters, I can see this story is in safe hands. The writing is good, perhaps a little quaint at times which adds to the appeal of this tale. All in all, an entertaining mix of fiction, and fact which is well worth reading. Will add my stars,and give it some shelf time after the weekend. Margaret.

Read the first chapter and am intrigued. Have WL it so I can read more and will move to my wall soon. Thanks for taking a look at Eternal - Beginnings. Have a great weekend!

hello James --'Jack and Charmaian London'

Had read this wonderful book of yours way back. I Remembered that it is one of the better books on site, and have no problem to visit again to give it my six stars worth.; so well deserving.
you have hear a definite work of literary and romantic fiction.
Love the poeticl style that it is written in -'Along the banks of Graham Creek did Wake Robin lay.'
love every line of it, it's Historical saga that lingers in the mind.;in it own deep and warm
good luck with it
tom bye
' from hugs to kisses'
obliged if you could glance at mine again and star. thanks

I just read chapter 1, and it was an excellent read. You described the foggy San Francisco weather perfectly. I could visualize it, and I could 'see' the young Jack carrying that beer. I will come back and read more chapters, and when my bookshelf gets some space, I'll happily add your book. On my watchlist for now.

Susan
The Adventures of Sohi: Mystery of Moon Island

Jack London and wife.
Biography.

This is doubtless the most entertaining biography I've ever read. Engaging and wonderful pacing. I've read through Ch 1 and since Jack London was one of my favorite authors when I was a youngster, I'll be back to read more. Holding on my WL, w/ 6* until a space opens on my shelf! Bravo!

Raechel
Echo

I read your first chapter five months ago. I read your second chapter today.

General comments: An engaging chapter. An interesting main character. Good deep point of view. Good descriptions. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) 'On this particular night, the temperature was a freezing 50 degrees below zero - ' Spell out numbers 1-99.
2) 'Just one foot in front of the other' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
3) 'He felt alienated ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the feeling so the reader can experience it along with Jack. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story and 'he felt' will be implied.
4) "I'm COLD!" No need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics to emphasize words. There is another cases of all caps in this chapter.
5) 'The Prospector screamed, begged and if he cried you'd see ice cycles forming on his eye lids, "I know yer in thar!" 'Ice cycles' should be 'icicles.' Also, period after 'lids.'
6) 'In front of the porch which was connected to her parent's fashionable house.' Parent's (singular possessive) should be parents' (plural possessive).

I hope this critique helps you further polish this all important early chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a fabulous day.

Al

James,
I have to work this onto my shelf. I knew I'd like it from my first glance. Young Jack London on a mission, be it getting the beer to his father or studying life and chasing his imagination. In short order, you bring him to life for us. The bucket of beer mission was written delightfully, the prose never becoming self-indulgent, allowing us pure pleasure. So, what to do next? Well, I have to read more, but I am already won over and rating it with six stars, which I don't often do. I will comment again after reading some more. WLd with intent.
Cheers!
John B Campbell

Loving the first chapter, James. I too got lost in the fog and my boots are now covered in dust from wandering around with a bucket of beer! Lovely start.
Lindsey J
To Paint a White Horse..

JACK & CHARMIAN LONDON
James R. Goddard

You write as if your life depended on it. I like to think I do that too, however fanciful the stories I create. I have read through your Chapter 3 and since I notice you have posted an incomplete book, I can't address the work through to the end. Do you plan to post more at some time soon? I cannot just read part of any book. One never knows what delights lurk at the end. Assuming the quality of writing is sustained through to the end, reading the final chapter and looking up to return to reality with a sense of having traveled away, is one of the pleasures I enjoy so much.

Your profile reads: "Looking to escape the concrete jungle and move - somewhere, anywhere - where the trees are tall, the land is green, the waters flow, the poets sing...sigh." I lived in Southern California for nearly four decades and finally escaped back home to Colorado where the land is indeed green and the waters flow and some poets still sing. I understand well your longing. It's far easier for me to write in this environment.

I admire the way you bring your characters to life. The dialogue is as lively as the snowflakes you allowed to dance in the beginning of your book. It's very spicy. Jack and Charmian are each a good match for the other. Jousting with words whilst getting to know who the adversary is between them.

It's enjoyable thus far and I will read the rest you have posted here. However, I have read enough to back this and rank it with stars. Like every work of art, whether it is truly classed as good is merely subjective. Yours is more than good and I will buy it when you are published.

Best of luck to you.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
A King in Time

There´s an enthralling mirror-effect to your writing, James. I see the characters talking to each other via an enormous wall mirror; I love the feeling, but cannot explain it.
Your dialogue moves at astonishing speed; your description is lean and mean -- an excellent read.
Jack & Charmian are on me shelf.

Jim,
I found this work quite enthralling, having an interest in the work of Jack London, but knowing little about his life. You've created a very easy read, where the characters jump out fully formed, with wit and playful dialogue which blends well with factual input. The young Jack is portrayed as a rascal even from the age of ten and you've managed to carry this mischievous side of him realistically through to adulthood. It's very easy to visualise Jack and Charmian's meeting courtesy of Netta's matchmaking, the dialogue is particulary entertaining between them. I wish you well with this.
Babs

Well i've read two chapters and no surprise extraordinary writing! My only qualm,coming from the great white north Chapter 2 freezing at 50 degrees. In my eyes 50 is balmy, warm. perhaps consider writing 32 or even lower temperature being it is the Yukon. i really enjoyed the part where Jack drank the beer! will try and get back and read more, (have been fighting a nasty cold the last couple of days)
Michelle

Well i've read two chapters and no surprise extraordinary writing! My only qualm,coming from the great white north Chapter 2 freezing at 50 degrees. In my eyes 50 is balmy, warm. perhaps consider writing 32 or even lower temperature being it is the Yukon. i really enjoyed the part where Jack drank the beer! will try and get back and read more, (have been fighting a nasty cold the last couple of days)
Michelle

Hi, I finally managed to get time to look at your book. Sorry it took a few days. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

Chapter 1: Hmmm intriguing start. What is this mission? Oh, it's a mission of beer. That is indeed important! ;)

Hmm with the beer spilling and no dad in sight, I think I know what Jack will be forced to do. Yup, as logic dictates, he drinks it.

1 tiny suggestion. I think you could avoid thinker attributions. eg "Time to get up, Jack thought." has Jack intruding between the reader and the story. I think something like "Jack blinked. Time to get up." would be more seamless. We still know they're his thoughts, but we no longer feel like we're being told they're his thoughts.

Reading on. I like the dad's confusion at the disappearing, reappearing boy. Good way to describe the drunk movements and fallng over. I wonder if Jack will get in trouble when his dad gets there... Jack seems a happy drunk, and it looks like the dad's not sure whether to be annoyed or not. :)

I like the snappy dialogue between them. It's fun and full of character. I would suggest occasional beats or speech tags, though, as I got a bit lost as to who was saying what after a while.

Good ending to the section. Jack collapsing. Looks like it'll be a while until he does this sort of thing again, ;)

A tiny nitpick here. I think it's generally best to avoid forms of began/started as v few actions begin. They just happen. eg how does Jack begin to fall? I think he should just fall.

Next section... Jack's growing up. Looks like he's becoming a real bookworm. Good for him. Oh but he still makes time for oyster piracy on the side. Fair enough. By the end of the chapter, it looks like Jack's got itchy feet. I think he's about to change his life in some way.

Chapter 2: Good description of snow. White silence. Looks like Jack might be a prospector now. That would be a hard life, I'm sure, but would fit with what I saw of his nature in chapter 1.

And Jack's a writer now. An adventurer. I think writing's his escape from the mundane world.

Then Jack's snatched from his book world, back to reality. He's got to answer, though. He can hardly ignore the shouting.

I've 1 tiny thought on the dialogue here. I'd avoid writing accents how they sound as in "ez you in there or ez you ain't!" because such words take time for the reader to figure out. The reader might just get annoyed. Instead, I'd try to imply accents by word choice and order. Here I think just "is you in there or is you ain't?" would work better.

I like the dialogue between Jack and the prospector. It's a bouncy backing and forth ;). I can almost feel Jack's irritation. Talking with the prospector's like talking with a child.

It looks like Jack's getting published. I'm jealous. I don't like him anymore. :(

I do pity Jack, having to put up with the prospector's stories, though.

Interesting chapter end. Is Netta planning something? Or is Jack just deluded? The question should draw the reader in to find out...

OK I think I've read enough to have a good feel for your story and writing now. I enjoyed this. There's a meandering sense of fun threaded through your writing that's appealing. Jack's a good character to follow, filled with wanderlust and flights of fancy. I'm just envious the bastard's getting published. :( grrrr

I haven't really mentioned my 1 real worry about this book because I suspect you've written the book in the style you have to give it a playful, easy feel. I'll mention it now, though, as I want to try to be honest and helpful. My worry is that a lot of the book feels like summaries of events eg as in the start of chapter 2, and in the paragraph starting "in the long winter days of cabin life...". Ordinarily, I'd suggest more action, showing such events in scenes. If, as I suspect, this writing style's a deliberate choice on your part, just ignore this. :)

I've rated your story v highly and hope you manage to get the attention of an agent/publisher soon. :)

Best of luck with it,

Pete

Great line..."he was studying life and chasing his imagination." I could envision being threre with the boy and his father and beer....great start...a book all can enjoy..i love reading and drifting off to other places...this morning california was a nice place to retreat to....all the best with your book....can't wait to read more. Julia x

James,
Jack London always makes a fascinating read, and no less so in your treatment of this iconic man. The sense of drama infused into your prose is very right for the snippets of his life you've chosen to depict. Thank you so much for coming up with "Jack & Charmian London," and for the haunting piano scene in the ruins of the great fire of San Francisco. .I was left with the happy feeling that the enchantment was not over yet, that more of your book was in the offing.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Kortean

James,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a very lyrical style, the writer happily staying on the scene, describing blow by blow, each word calibrated the way a mason calibrates marble before cutting it

The result is no so much description.....

....but atmosphere.....

.....the difference being on the poetic language you bring...

.....with creates emotionally loaded scenes....

.......purely out of description

.....and that is what makes this wonderful reading

Some of my favorites:"

"Not even a"

"like a ballerina in mid flight"

"ambled on"

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

"forever (1) long (1) white (3)" "look angry" "particularly accomplished"
I would cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

plus don't forget....you are writing about one of the fathers of modernism...lol

honor him with ruthless efficiency!

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david