The Truth About Sister Henry

Hello, I just joined the site over a week ago and yours was the first book I read. I like non-fiction, Christian stories so it was a natural to pick. I was very involved with your characters, I feel like I know you and have spent time with you. That means you drew your reader in with your story, which is what every writer attempts to do, but are not always successful at it. I could not put it down until I read to the end of what you have here. I assume there is more, because I never figured out what happen to sister Henry, although you revealed she died. I guess I'll have to buy the book when you get it published! . I don't understand all the lingo as far as what "backing", "bookshelf or "watchlist" means to an author. But I will figure that out. Thanks for the great story. I have also uploaded a non-fiction, Christian story that you may enjoy titled "The Chair". If you have time, I would love to have you comment on it.
Stay Blessed!
-Lcamp

Malika,

Your book is an enjoyable read; easy to follow because of the measured paragraphs. Quality writing. Five stars.

Best of luck!

GG

Hi Malika,

I enjoyed your first chapter. I didn't have the guts to find out exactly what happened to your aunt Linda, because everything leading up to it (meaning the suspense), got me a little 'scared,' as to what it was.

I read your first chapter during a bout of insomnia, and I didn't want to be scared awake - I'm just joshing, I'm sure I could have handled it. It's just you were alluding to 'family skeletons' of some type and just the suspense part got to me (call me squeamish!).

You have a gift for writing - I could 'see' your church days vividly and there was some nice symbolism here and there too. Thanks for the read!

Backed

Cynthia
Sharing Short Stories/Alecner

Dear Malika,

I scrolled right from No. 1 you book, as I write ranked No. 152. I wanted something more true, biography or something of the sort.

Your little pitch's "No one knew all of the things that Sister Henry went through" rose my curiosity. So, I opened to read your long pitch as well. "It's a hard truth. It's one of those things that you'd rather not say," - yeah it is intriguing enough to make one to try to have a comfortable posture to read so as to sip in the truth behind hard truth. However, "The thing about a hard truth is that the hardest truths come when we have to face ourselves," your long pitch ends without hinting on the truth behind the truth, the thing behind the thing. You could have gone to interface us with "Sister's" hard to truth, say she was a nun but had a dozen children or that she is the one who killed the copse - in the way our curiosity would have risen to want know, say, "how".

In the long pitch, would please hint on the thing behind Sister Henry's thing and I will read on.

Julius Babyetsiza (Destined To Triumph").

Impressive work. Kudos from me. All the best.
S.Vinay kumar,
10 roses for love

I love this book...... I believe that it already is a major book of faith...... I had to return to the beginning to re-establish in my mind that these are true stories. I have faith, but haven't had anything close to these episodes happen to me....but I was reared not to question the existence of these religious "awakenings"/revelations/testimonies ........ would love to have a one-on-one conversation with Ms Dickerson.... Well-written-sentence structure, verb tense changes, use of vernacula, etc........

Just finished what you've written so far Malika to the end of chapter 13. Praise the Lord Jesus! Uplifting, edifying; there is a war going on. I pray people have ears to hear, eyes to see. God bless you, again. And again.
Backed with 6 stars.
Katherine of vessels

This chapter--like the first, is so beautifully written Malika. Other than the spaces in between the paragrahs which distance me from the next paragraph and distract a little, there is little I have to say in the way of criticism. Your writing, and your story--vibrate deep in my soul, and I want to read every word, without skimming. God bless you again,
Katherine of vessels

This is honest from the heart writing. I remember those days in church as a child too and you've captured the thoughts I had as well. Praise the Lord Jesus that that kind of church isn't what God wants from His church at all! God bless you Malika, I'll read on.
Katherine of vessels

Your 'agent' asked me to take a look at this. From what I have read I can only surmise that you are getting support from some (naive) members who hope to court said 'agent'. So, take your praise with a pinch of salt and listen to the criticisms from members with far more knowledge than your 'agent', who is placing you between a rock and a hard place with her presence here. I'm not saying that there isn't a market for your raw style - only I would expect that a harpercollins review would dishearten you, if you have set your cap in that direction. I advise that you develop your writing skills - far more useful (though more difficult) than playing the numbers game on here. Oh, and why not venture more to reciprocate as a reader?

This is an atmospheric tale with a strong narrative voice, but I agree with Emma that it rambles and jumps about too much. There might well be a good story in there, but I can't see it at the moment. It needs another edit to bring out what's important and cut the irrelevant waffle. I like the book, but I don't feel able to back it in its current form.

Steven J Pemberton / A Wizard's Daughter

I don’t read much in the way of true stories, but I’ll give this a go.

Why did he ‘conspicuously’ close his bible?

Summers? No. Summer. In the summer. I see you mean more than one summer, but it jars this way.

Why are you wearing tights in the summer?

You have a LOT of semi-colons. Like a LOT.

A question would clang in your gut? Very awkward use of words.

I found this whole paragraph a bit confusing. Needs a re-write.

‘I got baptized.’ Reads better as, I was baptized. I get that the ‘got’ is in your voice, but it sounds ugly.

It’s fine to use your own voice in parts, and I see it would add to the book, but there are other places where it is better written in a more easy to read and less jarring way.

‘Trust me’. No. Why should the reader trust you? I have no reason to trust you, I don’t know you and I’m only at the first page of your book. Bad idea asking a reader to trust you.

‘that’s fact’? Why is that a fact? It’s only a fact in the writer’s opinion. It might not be an actual fact. Was there a vote on which was the best food and it was decided that this was a fact? If not, don’t say it. If you still decide to say it (please don’t) at least say, ‘that’s a fact’ and put the ‘a’ in to at least make it correct.

‘Who needs the embarrassment?’ Again, why ask the reader this? The reader doesn’t know or care about who needs any embarrassment.

This reads like a diary, a journal. Is that the effect you’re going for? I hope not, because this type of book needs to be a lot more commercial to make money than this one is up to now. I’m just past the blood sisters part, which I found again, messy.

I find this so far, to be meandering. As though the writer is wandering though memories and writing them down as she goes. Fine for a journal, fine if you don’t want to be published.

Not fine if you want to sell it.

So far, there is nothing that engages me. A woman is reminiscing about when she was a girl at church. What is the story you want to tell here? So far, as a reader, I have no idea. In a store, I’d have put this down a long time ago. I’ll read to the end of the first chapter and see if it gets better.

You also switch tense in this first chapter.

I am bored in this novel. WHAT is the story you are trying to tell? Figure it out and get to it faster, with less meandering.

I think, that your first chapter, the ‘introduction’ should go. Get rid of it. It does nothing for you.

Based on that, I’ll read a bit of the real book to see if it’s any better.

NO. That’s it. You said ‘clanged in my gut’ again. You can’t repeat this same awkward phrase from the introduction and put in here too. Don’t repeat anything! Even if it’s good.

Sorry, I can’t read any more. I tried to read your real chapter one, but it seems to be in the same journalistic tone. It’s not engaging me. If you keep to this style I can’t see it engaging many people.

People on here will tell you how great it is because they want you to back their book. I have no book for anyone to back. I keep it that way for a reason. Seek out readers with no book for you to back, or those people who will give you real feedback, not the pat you on the back this is great type.

You might have a really good story to tell. Looking at your pitch it did seem that way, but the way you write is not for me. I don’t know who it might be for, but I know it’s not me.

It needs a lot of tightening up, less wandering and get to the story you are trying to tell, because right now, I have no idea what it is. If you have a good story in here somewhere, you’ve buried it so much I can’t find it.

Ems.

This is a gripping tale that captivates the reader from the opening chapter. Backed with pleasure.
Laurence Howard, The Cross of Goa

Hi Malika, I read a few chapters of your book and you have a specific style to writing that is more like story-telling than story-writing. In summary,your story is interesting and with a bit of work on sentence structure and pitch, I think you will captivate a great reading audience. I'm adding your book to my WL. Wishing you great success...
...ronnie dauber (author of Web Secrets)

After all the furore in the forum, I thought I'd come and have a look. It's actually a reasonable read. You write in a smooth, conversational way that takes the reader along with you as if sitting with you in a couple of chairs listening. You evoke a world unknown to me and bring the characters, sights and sounds to me quite clearly. I've only read three chapters, so can't say how the pace is sustained throughout, but so far, so good.
Cariad.

Wow - the atmosphere of this book is beautiful. I feel like I'm listening to a long conversation on a warm afternoon. Your voice comes through so well, as the voice of a child who thinks about things, and you so beautifully describe a childhood that is so different to my own - it's like looking in to another world.

its on my WL for now as I am busy when I have the time I will read it and rate it.

This has capture the true voice of a Southern. I can envision this in a black church in the South, you placed it so well. Are you really from the South? Plus, you also captured the feeling of kids not wanting to be in church for hours at a time so perfectly. The only thing I would suggest is writing "Sunday's" as "Sundays." "Sunday's" makes it sounds like it owns something. Other than that, this is a good start.

Hi Malika, your book has been on my bookshelf for a couple of weeks or so and all that took was your prologue and part of the first chapter. I have now had the opportunity of reading more and feel able to make a meaningful comment (I hope).
I like the way you write! I see you as a very accomplished writer, from the technical point of view, but this does not take away from its down to earth realism. It is full of very real and believable characters, so many in fact, that it is sometimes hard to keep track of them all. The picture you paint of the family bonds that have developed over years, if not generations, is such that, if all families were similar, the world would be a much better place.
I loved the searching that went on when the kids were effectively trying to discover the truth behind the church they attended. I think they realised, probably without really knowing it, that the truths they saw were the same truths they would find in lots of other churches and religions. It reminds me of the questioning I did in my youth and early adulthood. I am still asking questions today.
This is a very thought-provoking read and I am not surprised it has progressed so well. I would not like to put a time on it as I know that the higher it gets, the harder it will get but I would expect it to reach the ED very soon.
I look forward to having the published book on my real bookshelf in the not-too-distant future.
All the Best. Hudson, (The Power of the Pegalore).

I love the voice you write with. Smooth like dripping honey on a biscuit. Dee Farrell

Not my kind of read, sorry. Best of luck with it though.

I can see why your book has a high ranking, I like it :)

Malika,
not my kind of a book. I have read 5 chapters.
Your dialougue is very real and you can picture the scenes very well, but the jist of the narrative doesn't move me.
sorry.
:)
Diane

This is a deeply compelling book, Malika. Beautifully written, with such passion and warmth. You have a true talent. I have backed the book, with stars, and on my w/l. I wish you luck with it.

Kate Grimes - LIZZIE -CUPPA TALES- TALES OF WILLOW GREEN

This is a wonderfully warm piece of writing. The way that two things stand out in her life. Religon and family. You show incredibale warmth in your writing and a 'matter of factness' over the bad stuff. Its such an easy read I could curl up on the couch wirh it, Very enjoyable
Amelia
A Date in the Diary - I hope you enjoy it.

Dear Malika,

You write from the heart, and the picture you present of your extended family in West Virginia is like a documentary film, with fine descriptions of the people, places, and action. Readers should not expect a fictitious story but, instead, vivid proof of the old saying that truth is stranger than fiction. Your characters, Interconnected, deeply religious, isolated from the greater world, bring to life a culture largely unknown to the rest of America. You disclose their virtues and vices, their foibles and wisdom, their deep emotions, and their intimate relation with God and demons. The descriptions of funerals are especially revealing of customs and behavior, and your scene of Aunt Linda after her "accident" is extremely moving. Though hard to follow at times with its complex web of characters, your book is unique and fascinating. It will be on my shelf tonight.

I believe you'd enjoy "The Doctor of Summitville," my love story about a young doctor and an orphan girl in a country town. I haven't told exactly where Summitville is, but it could be in West Virginia.

Best of luck, Malika, with your candid, unsparing, very touching memoir.

Backed after Chapter 1. All the best wishes,
M

- Weekend Chimney Sweep or Happy New Year
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

This is a very honest and personal story that touches the heart. The perspective in which it's told only makes the experience more personal for the reader, feeling like their just listening to a friend talk of what is in their heart. You write your story very well...I applaud you! This story will touch people, I guarantee it. Good luck--I hope you get published soon.

--Shieldmaiden

This is an interesting story. I especially enjoyed the beginning. Ten year old habits of just staring out the church windows itching to get out batteling the determination to avoid the fire pits and decieving demons the adults talk about. Your tone isn't typical of a lot of writers. It's a little more informal which makes it a little more personal in my opinion. It's as if we're sitting down and the author is recalling events rather than reading a novel. It's a nice break from the average. Over all, i enjoyed reading what I have so far.

*Neicy*

The Truth About Sister Henry
dropping bags of anger."
I decided not to read any comments before I posted my own. So here goes:

First of all, I find this book truly absorbing, perhaps, in small part, because I live in Dayton, OH, went to college in Athens, OH, and made Portsmouth a destination as well as an entrance into WV on trips south. Your description of it, therefore, I think in Chapter 3,("...Portsmouth" on the river,..."columbus considers it country.") could be more inclusive, to help set the stage about the socioeconomic area beautifully set on the rambling Ohio River.

I have read through chapter 5. The amount of material you have to relate is extensive, but I think it lacks organization and emotional insight. Given the title, I would start with chapter 2, since you want your story to focus on Sister Henry. Then I would evolve a lot of the material, with flashbacks, around her association with Sister Henry.

There are oodles of good stuff here, but I need more. For example, it's not enough to tell me the sisters were physically and emotionally abused. That means different things to different people. You make it technical. I want it to be emotional because it left scars and created personalities, even the narrator, who is depressed and doesn't know why.

And to give all of that to me in the first chapters is overwhelming since I'm just being introduced to this family - then I've got them moving on, escaping the trauma of their homelife.

Seriously, I love this material. But if it's about Sister Henry, keep that focus and shape everything around her. I love that she had the secrets. I love the influx of faith. I love the first person character. I love your phrasing; ("dropping bags of anger") The bottom line is, I love this writing, but I need to be emotionally involved and to do that, you need to take some time to let me adjust and you need to shape this so that I can follow the path. So think about what's important to this story. Make an outline that gives you that roadmap -- put some things aside until you can see where they can be inserted. This is a great beginning.
Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

In CH7, you don't cap "daddy". Multiple times. (?????)

The struggle about being out of school and the dreams were compeling reading. You really poured it out there. Good writing.

I can remember a few conversations about "Dolly" myself. Brought back some memories there.

I have to say that at the end of 7, I'm wondering about the title. So far, this story is about you.

Writing is still thrifty. I'm noticing a slight bit of careless punctuation as chapters progress. I'm still wondering about the dialogue and paragraph breaks. I remain open minded however, as yesterday I saw a book where the author refused to use quotation marks.

As for the story itself. Excellent. Interest level very high. Will continue

HI there,
First of all, it is great that you have an agent. Secondly, I lived in the black community in Austin, Texas, and attended a wonderful Baptist Church there, so this brings back memories. For me I found the first chapter left me wondering what the intent of the book was and the first chapter should be the zinger. In the second chapter you make mention of some abusive situations, but only in passing. I think your story telling would be strengthened by more descriptive adjectives. Don't just tell it, make it real. Like the abusive alcoholic father scenario. In Chapter 13 I can see you are still weaving the spiritual message through but I am ambivalent.
I guess I am not sure what to make of this.
Best of luck.
Roberta Winter

I had to keep reading. I'm wondering. I'm either learning something or I am going to help you learn something. Whichever it is, fine. Maybe it is because of the narrative, but I notice you do not start new paragraphs after dialogue. Are you meaning to do that?

I understand that for when you say something in the narrative, like to someone, but when someone else has spoken, shouldn't that start a new para?

Anyway....

I sure get a clear picture of what you write. I bet you can tell some crystal clear stories sitting around the kitchen table. LOL. I bet you are a "talker" too. The thing is, you are a thrifty writer. You keep your sentences crisp and clean. Not too wordy yet you say a lot, is what i mean. I saw Madison, clear as a bell. I've also traveled that old road through the mountains as a truck driver. I remember it well from the late 70's and early 80's. I remember when they built the toll road too.

The little things you describe, like Grandma Bert buying you guys a pair of the slippers that felt so good are such little details but add so much to a story like this because to me, it brings the story to two sides of the fence. I can see that you aren;t here to just tell me about tragedy and "What happened to me..or her..or them" I'm finding out as much about the author as I am about the characters. That is what 1st person narrative is supposed to do...and it is!

In CH3, I realized this would no "cakewalk". You are going to do what I said before. I'm getting the "whole" story. Who was who, what they said, how they thought and more importantly...how you thought. Very well-rounded characterizations. Excellent structure. Narrative is wonderful. Still flowing smoothly but I get a sense that in CH3 and 4 you are revealing who "you" are as a writer. You "hooked" us with 1 and 2, then when we got next to the shoreline, you reeled us in with 3 and 4. Starting 5 now.

6 star stuff.

Malika,

I am really enjoying this story. You have a gift for telling one, that is for sure. I especially like the way you have written this story for just about anyone to read. I realize for actuality, you must "tell like it is" but keeping the language down and so forth so "others" can read it, too. Like kids I mean.

I understand about capping (He) in books written with this narrative. It may throw some off though. Not a biggie.

Hearing you subtly set-up the characterization of Aunt Linda (Here I'm talking like you are reading me the story already...LOL), allows me to feel the structure of your writing. Simple. (Don;t take that wrong) Simple is way you tell a story like this. You just tell it. And...you tell it like it is. You don;t try to find what "parts" to tell. Once you play this game darling, you play it to win. What I mean by that is....like I said, you tell the whole story. The thing is, you seem to be doing EXACTLY that. Excellent narrative.

Personal stories, especially ones involving redemption, tend to either go one way or the other with readers. The ones who like them.....they search! The look for the structure, they see the meaning and feel the theme. The ones who don't must be shown. A little joke I use is they have to be "tricked" into hearing the message. And make no mistake about message my dear, yours is here. I am itching to read on this weekend and will. I want to know this story, I want to know who you are, where you came from and about your relatives. How did they live after leaving home? Who did well? Who did not? Why? Sister Henry's tribulations?

In two chapters you have satisfied three very important, yet basic requirements.
1) You introduced me to a host of characters interests and personal stories.
2) You have explained clearly WHY you wrote this story in this narrative, using Sister Henry the way you have as your protag. The third / first narrative is amazingly clear, written well and captures my interest.
3) You have made it clear that there is much...much more to come. I get the feeling that I am going to read an inspirational story about the struggles people face, both with religion, redemption and life's offerings. This is the part that I am anxious to read.

Very good show Miss Malika. I'm down for this one. Of course there are a few punc issues. I, like you, do not concentrate on that stuff. I enjoyed this much I probably missed one or two. I did see a couple though.

You're a good writer.

I'll be back tonight with a more involved critique of the content.

This is a real slow burner, but a very good one. Solid story telling, well paced, credible voice. Am hapy to back this

I have enjoyed reading some of this. It is almost as if I can hear you speaking the story out loud, as you write it in a conversational manner. Your descriptions are excellent and paint a picture in words. As soon as I have space on my shelf I will shelve Sister Henry. Lots of luck.
Lynne
Brooklyn Bridge.

I was invited to read this and I have to say that I am not a fan of stories which purport to promote any brand of religion. I personally feel there is far too much of it in this troubled world of ours.
However, I have an open mind on the subject and any solid human interest story will always have an audience. On this basis I'm sure this book will have a niche following and I wish you well in your writing career.
Bill Long
Timecrack

Dear Malika,
I really love your story. You have a very strong voice and an even stronger message. Thanks for being courageous. A little extra polish will make it shine. I feel like there could be a little extra showing and a little less telling. But it's very solid. Good work. :)
Cheers,
J.
"The Champion"

Hi Malika,
I was reading some of the comments, saying that the story doesn't begin until chapter two. I have to disagree - I like how you express the view of church and the concept of heaven/hell to young person...quite accurate. I grew up in the church and this is spot on.

However, I'm not sure it has a vast audience. The writing is good, but could also use some polishing. Good start, lovely story.

My favorite thing about this story so far is that you obviously have a message rooted in religion, but it is told without exuding pretentiousness (which I am assuming that may be one of the points of the book) - the cursing oddly adds humility.

Will come back for more...backed for sure :)

Jacki

Your story flows beautifully. It's easy to read and the images come naturally as though the reader is peeking into the past of someone else's life watching it all happen, smelling what the characters are smelling, seeing what they're seeing. Backed! I'll comment further as I read more. I hope you do well here and receive the recognition you deserve!

Hi Malika: I think you have the finger on the pulse here with your opening. What person doesn't remember hearing for the first time as a young child all about hell. Frightful time for everyone. You have written an opening that drew me in and I look forward to reading the rest.

THE TRUTH ABOUT SISTER HENRY
hullo Malika. since your book was referred to me this is my first peek. I kinda like the discussioon about the childhood and the ultimate part that religion plays in everyday life. when I was younger I checked out several different religions. some out of curiousity, some necessity to learn that I can be a strong believer of God without slipping on specific religious 'garb' in order to do so. I like your perspective so you go girl! Starred and posted for my Watchlist. Please don't forget to look at my non-fiction and thanks for that. Linda Lou

Hello Malika, This is well written and comes directly from the heart and makes the reader want more. There are obviously a few areas which would benefit from a little editing, but I feel that this should do well. I am placing it on my Watchlist as I wish to read more and hope to back it when space is available. Really good luck with this fascinating book.
I would appreciate if you would take a look at either of my stories.

Best wishes to you.
Phyllis
PAPER DREAMS & A PASSING STORM

I don't read much non-fiction but I am impressed by this. You write with such heartfelt emotions. You leave everything on the page.

Well done and backed.

Brian
Mute

Hi Malika,

Your "agent of record" invited me to read your manuscript. As I stated in my reply, I am critical and hope fellow writers will construe my input as positive. For me, Authonomy is about gathering feedback. That said, "The Truth About Sister Henry" begins well, and there is always room for improvement. You are welcome to review and tear up my Pazuzu Trilogy!

By and large, the manuscript is engaging and well-written - but there are areas that can be polished -

"visibly" is a lazy adverb. I suggest omitting the word entirely or craft a whole independent sentence describing the action of closing the Bible (which is loaded with meaning). Written creatively, an expansion can really hook the reader.

Within that first page of the Introduction, lose the word "would" and make the following verbs past tense (usually with the edition of an -ed) - my feedback also applies to the word "could." Authors shouldn't sit on the fence and ideally write about things happening, or happened, not possibilities.

Tense agreement - The paragraph after Reverend Bowen's address seems to be past tense (which is fine, because the character is expounding on memory), but then ends with a present tense "is."

I've got "The Truth About Sister Henry" on my Watchlist. Let me know When you've completed a rewrite.

Matt
Pazuzu Trilogy

Hi Malika, I've just read the first six chapters of your book. I have mixed feelings about it. It's obviously well written (apart from that line "...visibly closed the Bible..." - did you perhaps mean "slowly and deliberately" or "theatrically" or "ostentatiously"?)
My first problem is with the child abuse element - I find this so depressing that I struggle to read on. I don't want to hear any more.
My second issue is with the religious-folks-as-hypocrites-and-weirdos thing. I've met a few of these, yes, but 99% of the religious people I know are ordinary, decent people who are just trying to live out their beliefs as best they can. I don't like seeing them (and me) tarred with that brush.

I like the storyline, the use of vernacular. "Church folks" play a prominent role in my manuscript, how they perceive one another, how they come across to outside ears. How church folks and those who believe are in some ways one in the same. How in other ways they are not. I would caution against overuse of terms like "just" and "even" which, meant to add emphasis in everyday talk, are less beneficial in written narrative. For example: "I didn't even truly understand any of it" could have easily been stated, "didn't truly understand" and carry the same weight. There are also places you might seek a more active verb tense, something I too have struggled with. Example, "The wood slatted floors would creak underfoot" might be replaced by creaked. Finally, at the end of the first chapter, you change from past to present tense. I think it should instead read, "It was the weekend after all." With that, I offer my backing.

Jedah Mayberry
-Slow Train Comin'

I like the storyline, the use of vernacular. "Church folks" play a prominent role in my manuscript, how they perceive one another, how they come across to outside ears. How church folks and those who believe are in some ways one in the same. How in other ways they are not. I would caution against overuse of terms like "just" and "even" which, meant to add emphasis in everyday talk, are less beneficial in written narrative. For example: "I didn't even truly understand any of it" could have easily been stated, "didn't truly understand" and carry the same weight. There are also places you might seek a more active verb tense, something I too have struggled with. Example, "The wood slatted floors would creak underfoot" might be replaced by creaked. Finally, at the end of the first chapter, you change from past to present tense. I think it should instead read, "It was the weekend after all." With that, I offer my backing.

Jedah Mayberry
-Slow Train Comin'

I like the storyline, the use of vernacular language. "Church folks" play a prominent role in my manuscript, how they perceive one another, how they come across to outside ears. How church folks and those who believe are in some ways one in the same. How in other ways they are not. I would caution against overuse of terms like "just" and "even" which, meant to add emphasis in everyday talk, are less beneficial in written narrative. For example: "I didn't even truly understand any of it" could have easily been stated, "didn't truly understand" and carry the same weight. There are also places you might seek a more active verb tense, something I too have struggled with. Example, "The wood slatted floors would creak underfoot" might be replaced by creaked. Finally, at the end of the first chapter, you change from past to present tense. I think it should instead read, "It was the weekend after all." With that, I offer my backing.

Jedah Mayberry
-Slow Train Comin'

I like the storyline, the use of vernacular language. "Church folks" play a prominent role in my manuscript, how they perceive one another, how they come across to outside ears. How church folks and those who believe are in some ways one in the same. How in other ways they are not. I would caution against overuse of terms like "just" and "even" which, meant to add emphasis in everyday talk, are less beneficial in written narrative. For example: "I didn't even truly understand any of it" could have easily been stated, "didn't truly understand" and carry the same weight. There are also places you might seek a more active verb tense, something I too have struggled with. Example, "The wood slatted floors would creak underfoot" might be replaced by creaked. Finally, at the end of the first chapter, you change from past to present tense. I think it should instead read, "It was the weekend after all." With that, I offer my backing.

Jedah Mayberry
-Slow Train Comin'