The Guardian and the Book of Souls

Greetings Melissa,

After reading your pitch, I realize you have the imagination and talent for the ever-popular genre of "sword and sorcery." This was confirmed when I read the first chapter of "The Guardian and the Book of Souls." You've created an attractive, likable protagonist, described her background, given her extraordinary powers and a mission, and sent her forth to fulfill it. Above all, you make us want to read on. I'd like to do that and return with specific comments.

Meanwhile, I hope you'll take a look at my quite different novel, a realistic love story set in a country town around 1930. It's about a young doctor who gets into serious trouble attempting to save an orphan girl from her abusive uncle. Try a few chapters of "The Doctor of Summitville" and judge if it's worthy of your shelf.

Best of luck, Bill

Hello :)

I see you are shelving a previous ED winner. I thought since they don’t need this spot anymore, I’d apply for it.

Would you like to take a look at my contemporary fantasy? Here's a link to it: http://www.authonomy.com/books/35929/the-book-of-the-forsaken-/



Yannis

Melissa, thank you for swapping reads with me. I'm enjoying chapter one and it's lit bit of a wait for the action to hook me. There is a lot of back story to digest all at once. Lots of telling without showing, but that's just IMHO. Also your use of italics for dialog is not conventional. Italics are typically used for inner dialog and emphasis. So it was really distracting and confusing to come upon it and then realize it was out loud.
This is easily fixed.

The part where she notices the braid all the way down her back is a bit awkward. The word braid is used twice in the same sentence, but it is also impossible for her to see the back of her head. perhaps she should feel, see a mirror or some how use other senses to discover this if you are keeping this in her POV.

I'm enjoying the story. The voice is solid and I'm intrigued to keep reading to see where your imagination will lead next. Watchlisted, starred and waiting on shelf space.
Connie
Moonstone Beach

Thank you for sharing you wonderful story- an enjoyable read and a good long pitch. Fairly well written some minor editorial issues- the main one was regarding how you treated dialogue. In Chapter one, two and some of three dialogue is placed in italics without quotation marks. In some of Chapter 3 in quotation marks and then in late chapter 3 you use both and hold to this throughout the story. To make things a little more confused italics are sometimes used for thoughts as well as dialogue. I think that it would be best to use italics for thoughts and quotation marks without italics for spoken words.

Chapter. 1 "they would still feel all the effects of this abyss (missing period). Chapter 2- "...he was accepting his role with each passing minuet (minute?)" Chapter 3- "Stoking (Stroking?) her discolored face..." Also in Chapter 3 In a discussion between Aerwyn and Ashira, before the conversation ends it sounds like it is Aerwyn and Maria who are talking with each other (and Maria was killed off earlier in the chapter) Chapter-6 "after several minuets (minutes?) he squeezed her hand.

Anyway over all I enjoyed your story. Hope this was helpful. Desi.

Thanks for WL'ing my book. Looking forward to reading your 'The Guardian and the Book of Souls' as I've put it on my watch list.
Connie
Moonstone Beach

I'd hope that if a Guardian came for me to save his world, I'd be as confident as Kieran, however, i'd hope my parents would put up a little more resistance :).
Good writing, very enjoyable. High starred.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Melissa, your opening chapter is a smooth read. With another revision, this chapter will be perfect.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Comments and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism:

“the sky [had] already begun to darken” – had instead of “was”, maybe?

“He[r] Guardian’s dress was soaked and she...”

“All the rooms were the size of two bedrooms of a large cottage.” - Perhaps change this to – all the rooms were cavernous, or immense or something like that

“When she was younger, she[‘d] played hide and seek with her mother”

“The roles of a Guardian[,] Samira[,] is to protect and guide...”

“born [a] Guardian” – perhaps omit the “as”

“She [had] had many charges before instead of “has”

“So Angelius placed a spell on the book” I’m assuming it was supposed to be Angelus again??

“The moment one’s assigened” – perhaps something like “The moment a Guardian receives a charge, they are instantly linked to one another” or something. Flows better.

“Little did Kieran know that his whole world was about to change.” – brilliant ending to chapter 1. Full of promise and intrigue.

“Her words flowed like a beautiful chorus. It was hypnotic.” =O beautiful. LOVE this.

“Her eyes the colour of a rich purple sea that he’d not mind drowning in.” LOVE!

“And every time she talked, he just wanted to lose himself in her words.” Love. Actually, this whole paragraph. It’s brilliant at conveying the depth of Kieran’s immediate attraction to Samira.
“Samira,” Melody said, [“]you – speech marks wrong here

“When she began to talk, it seemed to Kieran the whole world fell silent just to listen to the words pour from her lips.” – this is so beautiful and so poetic that it chocked me up.

“If it fell into the [wrong] hands”

“Borgaine has broken the spell on the book and placed in its stead.” – word missing, maybe??? “placed [another] in its stead”?????

“H e shook his head” space between ‘h’ and ‘e’.

“you[r] prophecy says I am”

Perhaps change this: “He didn’t enjoy the process of gaining back his power. Although, he relished the feeling it caused within him.” To - “Although he relished the feeling it caused within him, he didn’t enjoy the process of gaining back his power.”

You’ve mixed up the names here. When Aerwyn is talking to Ashira, you call her Maria – “Aerwyn pulled her into a motherly embrace. For years Maria had been like a second daughter to her. Now they were both terrified for Samira. Maria didn’t want to show her queen so much raw emotion, but she’d never been so scared.” At least I’m assuming you were talking about Ashira as Maria was just killed.

“At least we know he [h]as a weakness.”

Having said all that, your story is amazing. I’m enjoying it so far and can’t wait to read more. Errors in grammar, spelling and punctuation – that’s what an Editor’s for. Your job is just to write an amazing story which you have done.
Your target audience will love this story of self discovery and the triumph of good over evil. There are many lessons to be learned, the most powerful, in my opinion: jealousy and greed are destructive. Coveting something which is not yours may lead to your own demise, as is the case with Borgaine.

Backed with Pleasure. I hope you find my comment helpful.

Bragitta
“REGENESIS”

Melissa-

The pitch drew me in. I have to say. I know we're not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but that picture brings the eye to it immediately (no pun intended). Backed and looking forward to reading more.

Thanks again for backing Jhevalia


Laura
"Jhevalia"

Melissa-

The pitch drew me in. I have to say. I know we're not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but that picture brings the eye to it immediately (no pun intended). Backed and looking forward to reading more.

Thanks again for backing Jhevalia


Laura
"Jhevalia"

Melissa-

The pitch drew me in. I have to say. I know we're not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but that picture brings the eye to it immediately (no pun intended). Backed and looking forward to reading more.

Thanks again for backing Jhevalia


Laura
"Jhevalia"

Hi Melissa, here are my thoughts on your opening chapter.
Nitpicks:
Syntax: It was late afternoon and the sky(was already begun) to darken. Should be either: was already beginning to darken, or had already begun to darken.
Syntax: (He knows who and what she is.) He knew who and what she was.
…and let her long, dark (chocolate) locks… This sounds as if her hair’s actually made of chocolate, suggest: …and let her long, dark chocolate coloured locks…
(He) Guardian’s dress… should be ‘Her.’
Over formality: To anyone else (who would glance upon her she would look stunning. The formality of this sentence slows it down and makes it seem wordy, would suggest: …who glanced at her, she’d look stunning.
Repetition: (Anyone) who glanced upon her… (Anyone) entering the palace for the first time. Suggest replacing the 2nd ‘anyone’ with: Newcomers entering the palace for the first time…
Wordiness: All the rooms (were the size of two bedrooms of a large cottage.) You don’t need to qualify the fact that the rooms are large. This is a palace, it’s hardly going to be small. Also to compare it to cottage bedrooms jars. Even two cottage bedroom joined together would still be relatively small. Cottages also have low ceilings, again jarring with the words: …great spacious rooms.
Repetition: Weapons (training) combat (training) and (training) herself… The repetition makes the sentence read like a list, suggest breaking it up a little along the lines of: Weapons and combat training and teaching herself…
She would remember the long lessons her mother would relay back to her. The tenses are mixed here. She would… suggesting she has yet to learn…her mother would… suggesting the lessons are yet to be given. Suggest rejigging as: She would always remember the long lessons her mother taught her…
Syntax: …to protect and guide the people (of) not only this city… should be: not only of this city…

The imagery you portray is vivid and focused. There is a tendency to wordiness and you need to watch your tenses and syntax. The opening sentence, for example, where I’ve pointed out an error in syntax, this is the first thing a publisher/agent is going to read and in all likelihood that’s where they’ll stop. Your manuscript must be perfect in order to engage the above’s attention. Good luck with this.

Hi Melissa

There's a certain amount of "telling not showing" here eg her mother being the kindest most loyal person she'd ever known, but overall you have created a credible well-imagined world, with a heroine with a very distinctive dilemma. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

An enchanting and engaging story. Think about starting at the point: "My love, you are about to face..." and bringing in the other info at a later stage. That way you have immediately grabbed the reader.
Backed and good luck with it.

An imaginative and very readable story. I think with some editing you will have a very fine tale to tell. Check out your first sentence - the grammar is incorrect. Sorry to find a nitpick so early on but I'm sure you will be sorting out all these small problems. Already backed for its potential. Lots of luck, Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

backed, nice one

Melissa,
The Guardian and the Book of Souls is a read rippled with imagination of all sorts! Not my genre but I will give a thumbs up for the writing and the settings. A few minor typos which can be flushed out without trouble.

Backed with pleasure!

Rome
Directives for Murder

after my brief view of this l can see it's written by a very good writer...for now it is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS///

Very promising story-telling but in need of more work, I think. The old adage 'show not tell' applies here - too much explained, not enough revealed through the characters and plot. For this reason I don't think it's yet ready for the ED.
On my watchlist for now.
Good luck,
Alison - Tom's Daughters

He thought he was just a normal man until the day "he meets a beautiful, mysterious woman . . ." and so it begins. "With starved looks at one another short of breath . . . facing a dying nation . . ." as it goes. Your description is clean and clear, easy for the mind to fill in the gaps. I want the powers of the Queen Guardian. I want to travel anywhere I wish and I want the ability to control the mind. Anyway, Samira will have to go to Kieran, the human, and get him to believe in himself so he can save her people. "Little did Kieran know that his whole world was about to change."

I'll be back to read more when I find a little more time. Backed for now.

Melissa,

You have a great first chapter her and it was a very enjoyable read. I'll be excited to read more of it later and I'll be adding your book to my watch list. Thanks for stopping by my book too.

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott

Not a genre I normally read, but I like to critique on writing rather than I whether I like the subject matter.

That said, you have a great command of the narrative and the dialogue is very well done.

One nitpick: (hopefully there aren't any more!)

The first sentence of chapter one reads, "...the sky was already begun to darken." I think you meant to say, "...the sky had already begun to darken." Or maybe, "...the sky was already beginning to darken."

Backed.
Mike

You have a very interesting idea here. You start out well, going right into the story. Watch your verb tenses, you tend to mix present and past tenses. In the later part of the first chapter, instead of telling the reader "about" things (like how quickly a guardian has to contact her new charge), make it part of the story by having Samira think about those things. And instead of just telling us what a portal is like, maybe you could describe Samira feeling those things when she enters the portal.

You have a good start and a compelling story.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

outstanding fantasy

My daughter, a fantasy fan, would love this I think. There are some errors or wording but nothing that can't be fixed by an editor. Interesting, and I'll be back to read more. Backed. And thanks again for backing "Finding Little Big Foot."

The Guardian and the Book of Souls

Melissa Nielsen

Enjoyable being submerged in your fantasy world. Very readable and Samira and Kieran are engaging characters. No problem backing this and all the best in finding a publisher.

Melissa,

While far from your ideal target audience, I enjoyed your well-written, very polished, opening chatper. You've a highly descriptive, atmospheric style which suits the genre well. Happy to give you my backing.

NA 'A Red Sky in Morning'

Ch 1 first paragraph does a good job at creating an atmosphere throught the descriptions of the weather etc.

Paragraph 2, the tense is still consistent, the writing tight.

Paragraph 3 and beyond, the descriptions are good.

Even though fantasy is not my fav genre, this one is good enough (IMO) that I will back it.

Loved your pitch and read very well written chapter one. I will come back for more.
Backed with best wishes,
M
- Weekend Chimney Sweep
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

What an amazing world you've created. I was drawn in by your pitch and was not disappointed after the first chapter. I will return to read more. Backed.
~K. McCracken
What the Heart Wants

Thank you for backing Finding Little Big Foot! I"ve got you on my watchlist and will read as soon as I can. Liking the pitch. :-)

A magical romantic fantasy that is easy to read, with great characters and dialogue. A well described world.

Your really need a hook for fantasy readers, something very dramatic to capture them and hold their attention. You should introduce that sooner. Still, an excellent book. Backed.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

The Guardian should do well with fantasy readers. Both Samira and Kieran are attractive characters. You lay out the complexity of the rules of the realm in a natural way that doesn't break the narrative flow. Some similarities between your plot line and Christianity (or marriage, for that matter), but not so many as to detract from the story. Happy to back.
Niobrara Kardnova (The Trouble with Wives)

Very easy read for the target audience. The story moves on nicely and I look forward to reading more. I do agree with Dave you need to hit your reader a little harder early in the first chapter to hold your young readers interest.
Backed - Plagarma

Great imagination-firing story for younger readers - just the right amount of description, not too heavy, and doesn't come across as patronising. Best wishes, Lisa (Death And The City)

Very well written. Just a suggestion: start the book out with something dramatic, something memoriable, something life-changing for Samira. You need a better hook to reel in the reader, IMHO. You have a great story here, however, and perhaps you can pull it off without it. Backed, of course. Dave

Hi Melissa,

This is a highly readable book, I love a good fantasy novel and this certainly didn’t disappoint. I look forward to you uploading more of this.
Backed
Sam (Fallacy)

An imaginative story and generally very well told. I have a couple of suggestions: beware of using the word "had" too often. This is a failing of my own, and if you do a word search you will be surprised at how many times it appears. Also there is a mix of tenses early on - when your MC nearly knocks down the old man with the limp. Backed with pleasure. Colin

Great ideas but IMO your pitch is overly complex - I had to read it twice and I still didn't understand it. Samira seems an interesting character but I wonder whether you could start your story a bit further in and feed in the backstory later on? At the moment the opening pages don't really grab me as much as they should - it reads like you are telling us Samira did this, Samira went there, Samira felt this. I want to be in her head experiencing these things with her. Some "experts" say you should never start a story with a dream or the weather - well rules ae made to be broken, but does the weather really matter? Is it important? If not, leave it out.

Some great descriptions - the colour of moss just after it rained. Love it. I enjoyed reading this. Good luck with it.

Dear Melissa Nielsen,

The Guardian and the Book of Souls is charming and I like the fairy tale quality of it. I am unable to comment too deeply because this type of book is difficult for me, as I read (in real life) almost exclusively biographies, memoirs, and the classics. But plenty of readers LOVE this genre and I'm sure your story of magic and romance will delight them. Backed and best wishes.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School (Please have a look.)

You've obviously put a lot of thought, imagination and hard work coming up with the conditions, consequences and objectives the characters have to deal with and that's turning this into a nice little story. I see you're already working on the tightening up process as others have suggested so keep up the good work. Overall your writing style is clear, colorful and descriptive and maintains a charming flow.

I'm backing ' The Guardian And The Book Of Souls' because of the extent of ones imagination has been pressed fully into service, and the land that has been visulised, the land of Costia, and the book of souls which contains the whereabouts of the Guardians and their charges, should the book fall into the wrong hands, it could be used as a weapon to undermine the stability of Costia. This is great imaginative writing, but I do agree with the comment below, needs tightening up. Charges is a word used to frequently in my opinion.
chapter one Samira, her mother the queen, duties and responsibilities.
Chapter two Samira find kieren through the time portal and allows herself to be known.
Chapter three Borgaine is introduced into the story, insane corrupted by a desire for power.
chapter four samira and kieren begin the quest.
Chapter five. As far as i can tell kieren knows he must save the people of Costia but doesn't know about Borgaine. Borgaine wasn't revealed to him in caapter four ( I didn't see a reveal.) So chapter five : Turning to his side and leaning up on his elbow he could see her face in the soft glow of the fire. Never had he seen anything so beuatiful. 'I accepted this of my own freewill, samira, if Borgaine drags your world and worlds beyond into the darkness.... ' Borgaine so far has not been revealed to kieren how would he know his name?

A well written chapter, Melissa. Samira looks like she will be a strong likeable heroine.Tthough the story moves along well, I feel you have too much telling in places which slows it down. The reader might skip these parts to get to the action. I would look at tightening the chapter. Perhaps some of it could be placed in later chapters. Just a thought.
I'll back your book.
Laurel
www.authosden.com/laurellamperd

I had some comments to make but looking down I see that they have all been covered well and truly by this point.

I like the pace and the value you have built in the relationship between Aerwyn and her daughter. I think you have cultivated a strong set of characters that will carry the story along. Good luck with this. Cheers

Dear Melissa --

Others have pointed out that there are some issues here with typographical errors, so we won't dwell on those. We do want to point out that chapter 5 is currently positioned in the chapter 2 link, though we clicked through the others and were able to read it all in order once we verified it was just an ordering issue.

On the whole The Guardian and the Book of Souls has a strong premise with good characters that help to flesh it out and bring the story to life. We're no experts on fantasy fiction, but we would suggest adding a little more background description that helps the reader see Samira's world. You do this very well at the opening of chapter 2 as Kieran watches the sun go down. We would love to see more pasages like that to help us get inside your characters' heads a little bit more.

Samira comes across as a strong female MC, one with whom YA readers will relate, and the story should cross over into the adult fantasy fiction market as well. BACKED. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Melissa, there's a typo in the first line, 'begun' when it should be 'beginning' and to describe the size of the rooms as the size of two rooms of a large cottage is almost like saying they were the length of a piece of string. In ch2 in the line, 'We've something to take care OF', the last word 'of' is missing.
Having said that, I have to put myself in the position of your readers - YA. They'll love your opulent descriptions, both of character and place. They show great imagination as do your names - Aerwyn Dresdanian is sheer genius. Your pitch sells the book well as does the cover, and your dialogue is natural. You obviously have talent which can only increase. But I don't think it's up to publishable standard yet.
There have been a lot of complaints about people backing books willy-nilly. I've probably been guilty of it myself. So though I hate upsetting you, I have to say I can't back it as it is. But I wish you the very best. Lynn

A read to escape from reality, because that's the gift of good literature--and this work is very good. The drive of the author to upload after an unintended computer keystroke is to be greatly admired. Good luck. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures) (Literary Agent Blues) Backed

Thank you for your kind words. Your story sounds very interesting. I hope to have time to read some of it over the weekend.

Sammy

Melissa
I liked Samira from the very start. She is a strong main character.
Like all great story-tellers you hook the reader from the outset and then draw us in deeper.
Fantasy is not normally my genre but this is very character driven. It is one of only a few on here that I would love to read the whole way through.
There is a tiny typo very early on when she is tidying her appearance; it reads ‘he Guardian’s dress’ instead of ‘her…’
All the best with it. Backed.
Abigail

Melissa, You write beautiuflly. Your opening paragraph is one, maybe the best, I've seen here (and we all know how hard opening pargraphs are). Your ideas are fresh and compelling. You've paid attention to all the details which is so important in Fantasy or Sci-Fi. Best of luck with this. I think it will go far.
Caroline
KC Hart
Summer Rose