Amok Rising: The Gathering

Okay, six chapters in and enjoying myself. I want to finish all ten chapters posted here before commenting in more depth. I like the world you have built here and already have my favourite characters. As I say more to come when I finish reading. For nw, you've just bumped someone off my shelf.

Fantastic fantasy... beautifully written with a style that is reminiscent of those old tellers of tales.
I would recommend this story and could easily see it sell like the proverbial hot cake!
Well done!
Backed, with pleasure!
Best wishes
Suzy
Raven / Forever Fredless

This reminds me of Tolkien. This is fantasy at its best and definitely a book I would be happy to back.
All the best, Sana
Saffire Drake and the Three Keys

That is what I call a prologue there! The sacrifice of a child without apology. How many more children will die in Whelan's quest. The bit with the baby was creepy and interesting too. Love the phrase "obsidian gaze" also. This is evocatively written for sure, a story that demands to be read. The pitch didn't sound like something I would have especially liked (I don't like this type of fantasy, though some other subgenres of fantasy I love) but once I started reading I found it hard to pull away. The first chapter was equally evocative, and you are sure to include the reader in all the senses of the character, pulling them in further and making the story feel so realistic. So many writers miss the other senses beside "sight" but you seem to miss nothing. The story has a very dark feel--like your story is overcast, a storm always brewing beneath the surface. Well polished and sure to get the attention of the right agents and publishers. I'm happy to shelve this one and wish you well with it!

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Hi Karim,
Chapter one is very powerful. The Human sacrifice by the high priest and the re-birth of the dark Master. In the heart of the Kattan empire, the other child's eyes turning black was very well described. Now, here comes the comet and its baleful influence. Good writing.
Backed with pleasure, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

'They felt the doom-laden wind scythe through them', and the mother sees a demon in her baby's eyes. Humans rarely need demons, as Gordus witnesses before his 'perfect rage' lands him deep in it. (What is an Alfalar, I wonder.) Then Gordus thinks of his mother, and the connection is made to the demon-eyed baby.

Someone (an Alfalar?) rescues him. Elves! The rescue is short-lived as his commander wants him dead and sends him on a suicide mission. (Brief glimpses of Gordus' true nature.) Then a brilliant scene as Gordus and his mare race through the storm until he abandons her to ascend the hill alone through 'rivulets of reddish molten rock and iron'.

You then play that wicked Tolkien trick of switching to another storyline in the next chapter. I've scanned through several and found the novel is packed with fascinating characters such as Shade, Kyra, Utan, and it's not until 6 that we meet Gordus again.

The language is as rich and deep as such high fantasy requires - 'sprouted a most painful plumage', 'even through the wall of anger and bitterness that encased him' - but without flamboyance. The novel itself is an epic, and once drawn in, the reader will not be able to find a way out again until the end. You're most of the way there, Karim. Perhaps consider trimming the background material slightly, especially in chapter 1, and then feeding some in later where appropriate.

At 236,000 words, you are diminishing your chances of being published dramatically. This should be 2 or 3 books. I strongly suggest you look for a place, or places, where you can bring the story to a satisfactory conclusion, and from which the sequel/s can begin. I really do believe you can make this one a winner though ... backed.

Possible nits: 'call of power ... call [command?] of their Dark master'. 'brief [short?] but terrible ... Brief portals'. 'potent magic's [magics]'. 'jerking forward ... surging forward'.

13 August 2010
The title Amok Rising conjures up dark forces and the piece of powerful original verse opening the work augurs well for the ensuing story. An exceptional facility and affinity with words provides smoothly flowing and illustrative prose. I think the underlying sensation I had with this novel was menace, awesome power, virtual unstoppable evil all the more threatening and credible because of the competent manner in which it is presented. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

Hi Karim

Aaiiieee! what a terrifying opening - well, I wasn't expecting that! I almost had a heart attack, like the high priest. You really manage to dramatise a world-changing moment and it holds great promise for the rest of the book (though I wasn't too sure about that opening poem - it's a bit too much like those poems in Tolkien that everyone always skips over). Backed.

Nicole (Chosen)

Karim,
I haven't read your work yet, but oh my gosh the cover art is amazing! Your long pitch is enticing and, though it's packed with information, you're still wondering about the content. Definitely an attention grabber! Backed for sure.
Amanda

Karim,

Another Aussie! This is not the sort of fantasy that I enjoy, but there's no doubt you write it well.

Backed

My only complaint is that you don't write in a genre I like more. A personal and selfish opinion, but there it is. You are a masterful writer, fully in command of the language in a way that is seldom seen around here. Beautiful, vivid, almost poetic at times. Wonderful.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Karim. You have created something wonderful here. What a great peice of work.

BACKED

Hope you get the chance to peek inside The Russian Hat. I could do with a lift.

warm wishes

Brendan

very cool fantasy with elements that seem fresh and new, baby that frightens its parents, very visual, allowing us to see what you see and some richly descriptive passages that help paint the world. Even the names sound epic yet fit naturally. Well thought out, backed.

The sacrifice in the temple, strange forces moving under the earth and the baby with the black feather whose obsidian gaze his mother fears - it's wonderful stuff, a fantasy lover's dream. On top of that it's beautifully written and the verses at the beginning are lke a spell.
If i hadn't already been convinced by the power of a cover to draw the eye, yours would persuade me. Very well done all round. Backed. Lynn

I found the parts when people were doing stuff or talking to be gripping and very interesting. The parts where there was thinking and describing felt a lot more plodding and overwritten, and I felt like skimming. But the good parts were very good.

Techniclaly the writing is good (except when it gets bogged down) although there are a few typos, missing quotation marks, random capitalisations, but nothing major. Good flowing read.

The dark one being reborn was all fine, bu tthe blue eyed baby lost me. not sure what that was about.

Gordus was an interesting character. I wasn't sure why he didn't seem to be all fucked up (smashed nose etc.) when he got back to the fort.

The Commandant was killing two birds with one stone, getting rid of Gordus, and laying a trap for the Elves, but I had no clue what the trap part was (possibly I'm not meant to at this point).

The bit where he removes his uniform for no reason, felt unlikely (and convenient) that he would have forgotten the elf's instructions from earlier.

I'm being quite nitpicky, but just on a basic story level i found it very enjoyable and an entertaining and at times gripping read.

Backed.

You have described a fabulous world in vivid detail.You have an elegant writing style I'm envious of! Your opening paragraph is a stunner, enough to draw in the most jaded reader.Backed with pleasure!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

nicely done =]
~Zero, No Title Needed

Welcome aboard, Karim. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch works. The long pitch needs to be broken down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. You oughta consider ending it with a question so it piques your reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Thank you very much for your backing. My long pitch definitley needs more whitespace and paras, though I think HC were about thirty or more words skimpy in allocating space. Your on my watchlist now and I'll give you a good read tonight.
Cheers, Karim

Welcome aboard, Karim. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch works. The long pitch needs to be broken down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. You oughta consider ending it with a question so it piques your reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

You grab the reader's attention and then hold it right from the beginning with the alter scene. Well done. You develope your characters nicely, I like your use of imagery and your imaginative writing makes your fantasy a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Hi Karim, A compelling tone while the dark forces are coming to power. The babies born, the black feather, were also draws into this well-described setting. Gordus’ being suspected while he witnesses the terrible violence on the farmland is also done with solid style. Gripping! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Ok this has one creepy start!
And then you get into multi-sensory description in 1 and I can’t which deserves the backing the most the prologue or the opening in 1 – Brilliant. You have a fantastic story growing here, one that deserves more time to be savoured. I hope this does very well. It deserves it!

you uploaded the same chapter on chapters four and five. shade is intriging.

this chapter needs a little comma editing. some of your dependent clauses are missing commas and last paragraph has a period outside the quote marks. milord (in her plea to him) needs a comma as well.

other than that still awesome!

me

I love what you have created thus far. Your opening is intriguing fantasy and a person who knows nothing of the genre can't truly appreciate how well you've set your story into place. Too bad for them. You'll get, 'This isn't my genre but,' a lot. Most of what follows the 'but' is normally decent stuff, however, some people tend to shy away from genres they know little about, which seems strange when one is a member of such a site. Anyway, Karim, this is really good stuff and I need to read more. I will do so and add more comments.

" . . . swept out from the North (north) (,) south . . ."

Good Luck
Natalie

Dear Karim, I just wanted to back an fellow Aussie. Your story is fiction fantasy, having read your pitch I quite liked it, and decided to give it a spin on my shelf. I will return with further comments once I have read.
All the best
Helen
The Last Dream

so far the first two chapters are great! other than the little nitpicks below that i saw, i found the storyline amazing. three cheers for gordus for chopping off that *@#$%^ head! anywhoo, will come back for more.

btw, i am so jealous of your cover! :D

me

grief is mis-spelled chapter 2 para 1.
maybe use coldly or frididly instead of coolly when hollister stares at gordus. it kinda looks funny, but that's just my opinion.
green ?"sward"? not sure what that is.

AMOK RISING
This is a good fantasy story. You’ve obviously spent a lot of time designing this imaginative world and it shows in the way you’re able to describe your characters and settings in such detail. The beginning is dramatic. You have a good mix of characters and settings. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

And you know I always say the book cover is so important it is the very thing that a potential reader will look at in the stores, it will be what attracts.

Denise

Hello Karim, well your book cover is just jumping out at me and demanding I read you book. SO without any further ado I am...
Denise
The Letter

Ah, excellent. Sword and sorcery at its best. Gobbled this all up and am now ready for some more please! Grand, epic, doesn't do it justice. i think i might be a tiny bit jealous! :D
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Dear Karim, I love your book cover - that's dynamic. :) Your pitch is excellent, as also your prologue with the verse before it :) it set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :)
Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote.
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.