Dark Side

Colorful. I loved reading this, because you painted your scenes so well with words. I liked Koleen as your main character. By chapter two, I was in it. I could see myself trying to finish this manuscript if it were a book. The intrigue surrounding the Vampire Bible is insatiable as well as the disappearance of her husband. The Black Widow society is a great idea, though I don't know about adding five new characters so early. I was a little overwhelmed as they piled out of the car, but the clear names helped me plug in what and who they were. Angel, the RN, Raven, and Dominic. Dominic is traditionally a boys name but I liked it once I figured out she was a girl, but Tae Kwon Do lessons online? I'm mildly offended by that as a Tae Kwon Do student myself. Can you really take it online and learn anything? Tae Kwon Do takes time, energy, and effort and traditionally is taught from master to student. Okay...I'll get off my soap box now. Sorry.

One minor nit, which is just personal preference, but I thought you had a little too many adverbs. Most writer books recommend you limit these as much as possible and you've got them every few sentences and occasionally two to a sentence.

Great story though. If I had room on my shelf I would love to see this on it, but at the moment, I don't. Sorry. I have no doubt you will find success with this book especially in today's market. You may have to face and break down some new stereotypes with vampires, but I think you can successfully do it with your strong characters and the mystery of this book. It definitely packs a punch.

Much enjoyed. Commented and highly starred!

-Christian Rogue (Beastia)

Love the genre. You all write visually, words flow smoothly and with purpose.
On watchlist for now...

blessings!
jim
"London in Love"

Who knew the depth of products on eBay! How clever.

I like how each chapter begins and ends with the vampire's thoughts. I don't recall seeing such a construct before but it works and works well.

I very much enjoy this and fully back it.

DARK SIDE
This is an interesting story. I like the idea that Koleen picked up the box and the book at an auction, so it was a total surprise what she had. I was disappointed she poured herself a beer rather than a cup of tea; made me believe that Riley was right; she isn’t corporate wife material. It also surprised me that she was an expert in ancient languages; shouldn’t she have to take the book to a university and find a translator? A third thing (boy, am I picky) selling such a valuable article on e-bay seemed strange; again, wouldn’t she have gone to a book auction where real collectors spend their money? Either way, this is a good read. Koleen is very likable; I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Well, this is fun - a bit like Buffy the Vampire Slayer meets Charlie's Angels, with a soupcon of Mean Girls thrown in! There's nothing like a supernatural chase to hook a reader, and this one is a doozy - the long-lost Vampire Bible, last seen in the Crusades, has come into the hands of sparky red-headed artifact dealer who's going to sell it on EBay! The various attempts of the frustrated, mind-bending "Watcher" (who, for some reason, can't bend her mind) to recover it are both funny and inventive, and whilst there might be a slight structural edit in order (the split narrative between the Watcher and the girls didn't quite work for me, have to agree with inspectorrik), this is a jolly fine romp which fits neatly into the growing chick-lit/horror genre, and which should surely find a wider audience. Six stars from me, could be a great TV series!

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

(this is edited to a very high standard, nice work ladies! I only found one typo, 'duly' not 'dully noted' in chap 2. Oh, and you had me roaring over Koleen's 'zero tolerance for anything she found incompetent.' My wife's like that all the time, lol!)

I remember reading this ast year. It's a really good plot and I HAVE always wondered what the origins of vampires were (in literature of course), lol. One thing that concerned me was her lack of feeling after her husband walked out on her. How did she feel while everyone else was partying. I think you jumped too fast past this.

Anyway, I'vve already read and starred it and wish you all the best. C.S. Poulsen

I just finished reading the first three chapters and all I can say is wow. I enjoyed every second. It pulled me in right away and didn’t let go. I only stopped reading because I had to go back to work, and for the record, I was late LOL! I wish I could give you some sort of helpful input but the fact is I couldn’t find anything wrong. This is a very entertaining piece of work. I even cleared space on my shelf just to back you. 6 stars and all the luck in the world to you.

Really nice writing with a good poise and lightness of step to it. Love all the detail. The world you're creating quickly comes to life. The contrast between the supernatural and everyday is done really well. Especially like the rather prosaic sentances in that respect the rates were fair and the service had been flawless. I like this with the sense we have of the Watcher watching. The incomprehensible out there, on the margins of the world we take for granted. The bio-chemist is another nice touch. I think this is really well crafted and super accomplished storytelling. I really enjoyed the three chapters I read.

Hi, thanks for your comments on Erosion. I like the premise and the opening of the book. I'd tweak the prologue slightly, that's all. The opening sentences. And I like the opening of Chapter One. Very polished and sets the action extremely well. And then so normal in a way, which for a story like this is perfectly pitched. It is very well set up. I too like the fact that she's at house auctions etc. Great. Backed.

I love vampire stories so I was looking forward to reading Dark Side. It's hard when there are so many vampire stories out there to be original but I think you have hit the mark by making Koleen a dealer in artifacts. It's a great way to get over the obstacle of how does an ordinary person come by something as sensational as the diary. When the friends are introduced the tone of the book changes to bring in almost a comedy element which works quite well as sometimes things get a bit too heavy and dark. The watcher is pretty creepy and I like the fact that you have showed that he has flaws when he can't control Koleen's mind. A very interesting read. Good luck on your way to the ED.

Kim (Pain)

Forgive the pun, but this is a story you can sink your teeth into.
Strong start and a very interesting plot.
A good protagonist can moves the story on in a fluent way.
There seems to be many layers to this story, which give it texture and power.
I can see you have done your homework about myths concerning the vampire, yet it shows you have added your own slant on it.
I enjoyed reading this, well done.

Hi girls, I promised to read this one a while back - sorry it's taken so long. Totally not my usual sort of novel but I really enjoyed the extract I read here. Koleen is a great character and there's a lovely energy to your writing that I loved. A great read - thanks very much. Happy to add this one to my shelf.
Sheila

Hello Ladies. I've been wanting to read your work for some time and have only now had the time or the pleasure to do so. The idea of romance and vampires has been around since the original Stoker novel but this is different. There also seems to be a bit of tongue-in-cheek at work with the women in the story but that works too.
If I have a criticism it would be in the flow of the story. It seems a bit jerky (at least to ch.3) with the switching to tell about all of the women and shifting to the watcher. Have a dominant narrator who describes the women and maybe something of the back story for the Black Widows.
There are too many questions in the readers' mind by ch.3 that haven't been answered for the interest level to maintain itself. In other words, maybe start with the trip and add some background about how they found the book, it's history, the women and their history, etc. Why won't the watchers' mental powers work on the Black Widows? How did the vampires find out she was going to be at the airport?
I'm no expert on these things so take my advice for what it's worth. I appologize if this seems harsh but this was not my intention. I simply wish to help make your work as good as it can be and only want the same when other people read mine. Good luck and I'll be back to read more soon.
Rick - Jack, I Am and They.

I love a good vampire read and this is really good, and different! Your book is very well written and just simply enjoyable to read. I don't have any criticisms as I don't feel qualified enough to give any and there really wasn't anything I noticed wrong with your writing. Just know that you definitely have a good thing going here and I wouldn't be surprised if I saw this in a book shop somewhere down the track ;)

High star rated, well earned!
Karlee - Chained
I also hope you do give my book a look as I'd love some feedback from writers of a similar genre.

Hi, girls. Sorry for delay for your review. I thought your idea of a vampire diary and the way it was found was interesting. Backed with 5 stars. I wish you all the best with Dark Side in the future.
Your friend
Darran.

The White Mask of Suberbia

Your writing is very good, and I was entertained by the premise that this is a grown woman, well-to-do and not easily convinced that vampires are real. I am that person, and normally I would not pick up a book about vampires, sci-fi is not my thing. But it is an interesting premise. I found the prologue to be confusing, and could not connect it to the first chapter. I also found the last bit of the 1st chapter, to be disjounted. It was not clear who was speaking, until the end. But the meat of the chapter is very well written and I felt like it spoke to me. Nice work, I will keep this on my watchlist, as I assume you will find success here. Caitlin Avery, Lightning in my Wires

Hi!
So, I read the prelude and the 1st 2 chapters. I have a very clear sense the book is going somewhere specific, but I'm not sure if I know where, so if my comments are obviated by what comes later then please ignore them. The premise is ingenious and potentially entertaining. There's a huge amount going on, though and I find I am having a hard time figuring out which plot threads to hang my hat on (as it were). My core recommendation would be to slow it down a little - maybe let the women interact in a less stressful situation before they go barreling down the highway, or perhaps give Koleen a stronger setting of place before going in to the story of her husband. And what does she do about Buck? Does she just leave him when she goes on her trip? Where did her assistant come from? Which dead language is she an expert in? There are quite a few (maybe that can be why her husband left her? "My god woman - look at you! You're an expert in dead languages! None of my corporate clients wants to hear you talk about them! They're dead for a reason!" Just a thought.). How much time went by between Koleen's getting the book and the girls deciding to go on their road trip? Are they in it together for the Bible, or something else? And why the Black Widows Club? Did they eat their husbands? They sounded angry enough to do so in chapter 2, but I got the impression no cannibalism was involved. Things like that - small things, which I think should be pretty easy to deal with, but which are a little jarring to readers who are discovering the story line as we go along.
Hope that helps!
PS - I think its "duly noted," not dully or dually noted

Love the character developement, a real page turner. Backed and starred. Yours Bea

I like this. I'm not really into vampires but this grabbed me straight away. I don't feel qualified to give you a critique, suffice to say I simply enjoyed reading your book.
Backed and starred.
Willie (Missing)

Chapter 3 Review
“van, rental ordeal” does not need a comma
“Mona leaned over the back seat giving” could use a comma after seat
“cute, airport guard” doesn't need a comma
“annual, Christmas party” doesn't need a comma
“motor home, towing a jeep” could be “a motorhome towing a jeep”
“Raven, reduced her speed” doesn't need a comma
“The black-haired, forty-eight, year old, Cherokee beauty was hyperventilating.” Trying to express a little too much in one sentence. And also has odd comma placement.
“In fact, Raven, had been a first-rate school, bus driver for many years, but whenever she left the state, reality set in, and a GPS was a necessity!” The comma placement makes me think I am hyperventalating when I read that aloud. I'm not sure if that is intentional, but I would remove the commas after Raven, school, set in.
“self designated” might need a dash “self-designated”
“sixty, screaming kids” doesn't need a comma, unless she's still hyperventalating while she's talking, at which point I would throw a bunch of comma's in for effect.

Other thoughts:
Raven's driving is probably the most suspenseful part yet.
I think part of the problem suspense-wise (for me) is that the vampire guy isn't very scary at all. I haven't seen him kill anyone, or feed, or whatever it is that vampires do. He seemed almost comical in his attempt to subdue the women. Also, there's just one of them. Predators in general employ a few strategies while hunting. Either single out and pick off the weakest, or work as a pack to bring down their prey.
The point of view seems off with the vampire. Maybe if it switched to a third-person limited view following his actions, with some blood-shed and violence, it could maintain some of the mystique and make his intentions less clear.
The women have their Bible, containing all kinds of knowledge. So they could be very well prepared to deal with vampires. In that case, if I was a vampire I would call for back-up, call for assistance in the matter. Knowledge is a dangerous thing to leave in the hands of non-vampires.

Hello, thank you for requesting my critique. I try to be as honest as possible while providing any and all indescrepencies that I see. Please do not take offense to anything I say. I do not claim to be an expert in anything (other than cashiering).
Chapter 1
Overall, the story is hashed quite well and the writing is good. I found some odd comma placement, but otherwise it's pretty well polished.
The Prologue is nice, but incredibly short. As more of an action fan, it doesn't give me a whole lot of detail as to how everything went down. It doesn't have me hooked yet.
Don't need a comma in "plastic, grocery bags" (my one area of expertise!) or in "the dog, his favorite treat" or "local, news anchor"
Those generally flow together without need of separation.
"she followed to the garage" could use a "him"
This is just my opinion:
The part about the person being an expert as a linguist of dead languages seems a little odd for me. I would think such an expertise would be somewhat rare. For one of those experts to discover something of that magnitude hidden away in a box seems very unlikely, and extremely convenient.
If she took it to a linguist instead, that would make more sense to me.
Also, something of that value, to be sold on e-bay! Aren't their better avenues that an expert could go through?

"freckled-faced" could be "freckle-faced"
"into to" should be "into"
"attack her in public attracting unwanted attention to..." could use a comma after public

Chapter 2
"Determined he tried again." could use a comma after Determined
don't need a comma after "airy"
"people rushed" might sound a little better as "people rushing"
"a violent shivers" could lose the "a"
"car, rental booth" shouldn't have a comma
"and paused on the price" would sound better with a "but" instead of the "and"
"she smirked" would sound better if it read "she remarked"
Don't need a comma in "anger, management coach"
"tried of waiting" should be "tired of waiting"
"had filed into the airport" could lose the "had". I would avoid using the passive past tense in something that is currently happening.
"bag, check line" doesn't need a comma
I'm not sure on the reaction to the clerk. I've cashiered for awhile and have seen some overblown and crazy reactions, but physical violence never became a factor. Intimidation was usually the method used. It reminded me of a scene from "Reno 911" where the police officer assaulted the burger clerk, but that was a comedy.
"Koleen glanced as a suspicious man dodged to the side of the entrance as they were leaving."
Sounded a little run-on when I read it. Maybe something like this:"Out of the corner of her eye, Koleen spotted a man suspiciously dodging to the side of the entrance."
"face hidden beneath dark glasses" is one thought too many. It could be cut from the sentence or moved to a different place.
no comma needed in "car, rental clerk"

The plot follows a group of widowed or divorced women. It's an interesting take on the vampire genre. Most stories with vampires and werewolves target a younger audience. I'm not sure on the marketability in a slightly older arena.

It doesn't really have a dark feel to it at this point, like I had expected with the title "Dark-side". The story skims over darker segments, such as the Crusade prologue, but gives incredible detail when pertaining to trip planning and non-suspenseful segments. I didn't see it as a thriller, perhaps comedic in some aspects.

P.S. I'm glad Dominic is a badass who knows marshal arts, that brought a smile to my face.
If you're interested in me reviewing later chapters, give me a holler.

On my watchlist and high stars on the basis of chapter one. Well written and very readable. Good luck with this Bea

I read the first five chapters. I'm liking the back and forth between the Watcher and the women. The tricky part of this opening was establishing separate personalities for the girls. This takes time and you wisely choose a relaxed pace for these opening chapters to allow them to develop. There's probably just enough going on here to keep the reader interested plot wise while we settle in and begin to care for the women.

Good start. There were a few typos, but that's something you will fix eventually. Other than that this read smooth. I didn't trip over any clunky construction and simply got lost in the story. Some of the dialogue could use some work and I'm wondering about some of the references, such as Twilight Zone. How old are these women?

Ladies,

First, a disclaimer: paranormal and horror isn't my genre, so I can only comment on "Dark Side" in a very general way. These are just my feelings as I read the first three chapters and very subjective.

I like the premise: six women on an important mission oblivious of the real dangers they are facing, and I could tell that they were going to be feisty characters - the interplay between them, I suspect, will become a major feature of the plot.

One problem I had, however, is that you were trying to get over a huge amount of back story right at the begining of the novel. At these stage, all we need to know about Koleen and her friends is that they are widows. A lot of their background can be revealed little by little as the story progresses. I'm guessing that the disappearance of Riley is going to prove to be very important later in the story, but at this stage, when we're only just getting to know Koleen, it feels a little like an unnecessary digression.

Another example: when you introduce Angel, you don't need to tell us she is a nurse. Merely the fact that she is checking the contents of her pharmaceutical bag plants the idea into the reader's head that she is connected with health care. (I love the line about the "sharpened wooden stakes", by the way; it really sets the story up without giving too much away.) Of course, her profession can be revealed later and the reader will think "Ah ha! I kind of knew that already."

Overall, a promising and intriguing story. Good luck and good writing.

John Bayliss

Hi all,

Time being what it is, I only read one chapter, but thought it excellent.
I only had a moment of mis-understanding with the sentence: "Koleen watched him back and speed off" For a moment I thought she was returning his stare! Maybe "reverse" would stop this happening?

Fluently written the plot moves along effortlessly and seemlessly.

Regards
Warrick

Hello ladies :)

here for the return read. Your work seems to be a paranormal, chick-lit novella -up to chapter 6 that I've read.

You say it's a thriller and a horror story but it didn't feel that way. Apart from the genre "problem", I think it flows well and is clean as a manuscript. Your opening chapter is by far the most intriguing one among the chapters I read, but this is mostly due to the fact that I'm a male reader, whilst your target audience is probably female readers.

I can see your readership being totally related to your six Black Widows, and could definitely be drawn to the paranormal side of it all. After all, vampire stories are the trend nowadays.

An enjoyable read overall. 6 stars from me :)

Yannis

i really like your plot- its complex and intriguing, even though it is a vampire book and we tend to see a lot of those. a couple things id like to mention is that i found your long pitch interesting but at the same time, hard to understand because i wasnt aware of some of the terms you used. not a big deal since i was hooked with the short pitch but it did catch me a little off guard. one other thing i think your book would benefit from is more dialogue since this is more description heavy. overall though, promising read.

hoping to hear your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

Dear CC Brown,

Here’s my critique of ‘Dark Side’. But I must tell you that I’m no expert and this is merely one person’s opinion. So please take these comments on board only if they are relevant. I write them as I read so as not to lose track. Consequently, these are always my first thoughts.

The prologue is well-written except for the last two lines. Why the hurry? You’ve begun so well, so you should take your time with the ending as well. What was the scroll like? What was the warrior’s reaction? Did he take a good look at it? Why did he disappear? Where did he disappear to? – Just add a few more lines to ease the abruptness and incite the reader’s curiosity.

Artefacts associated with paranormal events – ‘events’ doesn’t sound good here. Why not just say ‘artefacts with known paranormal associations’?
Her husband’s disappearance has been mentioned in a slightly offhand manner. You may consider mentioning it a little later when you can devote more words to it.

Too many words in some places; you can certainly shorten a few sentences to maintain the otherwise good flow, e.g. ‘Koleen stashed the groceries into the refrigerator. On her way past the window, she noticed the full moon. ‘Wolf Moon’, that’s what the local news called it, a name originally coined by the early Native Americans who believed that packs of hungry howling wolves prowled around on such nights.’

You need more dialogue. That’s the only way to ‘show’ and not ‘tell’. The altercation between Koleen and Riley can improve dramatically with a little more verbal warfare.

How big was the wooden box? What was it like? Some description will certainly help.
The book opens. The reader’s interest is piqued. He’s waiting to know what’s inside. So instead of telling him, why not show him what Koleen sees, viz. ‘The yellowed pages seemed to be centuries old, worn and pitted with the passage of bookworms. She began to turn them slowly. They were full of intricate pagan symbols (a few examples here will the reader visualise) and an ancient script, the likes of which she had never seen before.’

I’ll stop here. You’re very close to the ED, so a word of caution. In case, you’re planning a major overhaul of the manuscript, be very careful lest you lose all your backers. Please check my profile page for details.

On the whole, ‘Dark Side’ promises to be a very interesting and action-packed story.
6-starred with pleasure. Best of luck with it.

Regards,
AGC

Dark Side - what a cool idea, a group of women out to have fun, caught up in the deadly chase for the Vampire Bible. I love that a group of women wrote it too. Truly an original. Backed!
Rosalind Barden
American Witch

Dark Side

Short pitch: this seems fine to me. Tells the reader what they’re going to get without having to lay out distracting details.

Long pitch: It’s fundamentally OK but I have a few little niggles. I think of ellipses as a means of extending the reader’s attention, as in indeterminate speech endings. Here it just seems wrong. Just re-punctuate that sentence. The phrase ‘paranormal-artifact’ made me laugh because it’s ambiguous. If the dealer is incidental to the story just drop it.

Prologue: One tiny thing I thought was to put ‘Crusader warrior’ right at the front – it immediately sets the context and explains what’s happening. He’s not important anyway, just a way of explaining the origins of the scroll.

Main text: OK I noticed a few stylistic problems. The first point is that your text is slightly over-wordy. Take that very first sentence. The word ‘held’ could be removed without changing the meaning at all. And ‘right off of them’ should be ‘right off them. These may seem small but they tighten up the expression – especially when you go through looking for them. I know. I’ve done it. You’ll find hundreds. Then there’s over description. Just one too many descriptive terms in a sentence can make it unwieldy. Look at the one beginning ‘She dumped her purse…’ Three adjectives, conjunction, three more. How important is it that we know each of these facts, the ‘plastic’, the ‘L-shaped’ or the ‘granite’? In fact you repeat ‘plastic’ in a later paragraph.

Then there is author intrusion. I guess you are trying to work in the bit about her husband disappearing. The problem is that you’ve just introduced her, your MC, and given her actions (all good) but then you (the author) butt in and break the flow with this back-story. It’s always better if you can work it in. It’s OK later, in the stuff about the husband leaving, because this seems more like your character remembering it all.

A nice idea for a vampire plot. In general I thought you handled this well.

Backed again for ye olde times' sake - best of luck wherever you take this.

This is one of the best books on authonomy! An unputdownable read!

Ivan, the Creature of Light

Hello C C Brown --

book - Dark Side-

from time to time i venture in to read about Vampires, and after reading seven chapters and some chunks more;
have say that i enjoyed the read.
well knitted together short chapters and kept me turning the pages; ended up after reading chapter 15; this one very racy indeed.
It is a market for the young adult to read and i have no doubt that it will do very well out there.
This book certainly captures the atmosphere very well indeed in and eerie and haunting manner.

good luck with it.
tom bye
from hugs to kisses.
oblige and read some of mine please,you might like chapters 15 and or 17.

Your story really grabbed my interest, your writing flows and i love your idea about a vampire bible, the way you've meshed vampires (considered by many to be evil) and a bible (considered to be a tool of good) its like you've thrown all the rules out of the window, which is good. Some of the best things come from taking the road less traveled. Your main charter has got a real nasty streak to her which i didn't expect, but so far has worked well and given a few of your scenes that would have been boring if you'd written a less intriguing charter, a real fieryness when her temper takes over, well done :-)

Hi Ladies,
I have read the first 5 chapters of your book.
I think your pitch is excellent, and the narrative itself has a lot of promise, but I was a little disappointed at the lack of...tension. A lot seemed to happen in the first chapter that I feel could have been revelaed slower to build on this. I also agreed with one of the comments below regarding the women of the BWS being very similar to one another, and OTT when abusing the customer service advisor - that part for me didn't seem realistic, but that may just be my preference.
I think thatladies with a thrist for vampires and strong women will love this fun novel.
Best of luck,
Jake
To Rise an Angel

C C Brown,

This is a well written and unique work. I remember reading part of it when I first arrived to Authonomy and being impressed by both your premise and your style. Today I re-read the beginning of your work and was reminded why I took to it in the first place. Koleen is a wonderful main character (and I love the name by the way) and the way you begin the story with the purchase of the box at auction is a great way to start things. I also love the whole concept of the "Vampire Diary" and the way you end the first chapter with the vampire's POV. I'll be back to read more soon and I rated your book 6 stars some time ago. I also have a friend on the site with free shelf space so I'll reccomend your book to them and hopefully they'll shelve it.

Thanks for your support and time. Have a wonderful day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Interesting premise. I am curious as to how the three of you write together. Having once co-written a book, I know it can be challenging. The reason I ask is that the first chapter, with its short paragraphs, each almost like a very brief description of an event, makes me wonder if you wrote alternating paragraphs?

I would like to take a crack at making some specific suggestions on chapter one. If you don't mind, you can send just the first chapter and the prologue text to wispyauthor@hotmail.com and I will do track changes of the thoughts and return them to you.

Completely your call - think you have a great idea here!

The Vampire Bible! Love it. Will read and have watchlisted.

Good work ladies. I love the fact that y'all follow the classic vampire rules. The watcher is an interesting character, although he seems to have let his powers weaken on him to the point he could not charm one of these women. The van bickering scene does give the book a some what comical feel, which to me seems good, it widens your markets. Glad you had carolina al and dina (billy sunday) take a look at your work. They have been quite an influence as far as being able to help me stay focused as a writer, hope they have the same effect for you as well. Im backing you to the ED

Hi Brown, just loved the premise and the prologue. Your first chapter is well written and really captured my interest.
Pria

I read your prologue and first two chapters four months ago. Today I read your third chapter.

General comments: A dynamic chapter. I enjoy these likable women. Realistic descriptions. Good tension. Nice pacing. Realistic storyline.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) People seldom read a book straight through. When they pause they usually stop at the end of a chapter. As a result, when we authors start a new chapter we must assume the reader has been away for a while (some times for a long while). Therefore we must quickly reorient the reader at the start of each chapter by telling them who the current narrator is, and when and where the current scene is taking place. The start of this chapter lacks information on when and where the current scene is taking place.
2) 'Everyone was talking at once about the van, rental ordeal.' Remove the comma.
3) 'Pressing the pedal to the metal' is cliche. Consider writing something fresher here.
4) 'In fact, Raven, had been a first-rate school, bus driver for many years.' Remove the comma following 'Raven' and remove the comma following 'school.'
5) Hyphenate 'self designated.'
6) 'It had been dually noted, that on ... ' 'Dually' should be 'duly.'
7) "This causes them to breathe out a large amount of carbon dioxide, and ... " Consider replacing the ellipsis ( ... ) with an em-dash. Use an ellipsis for hesitation. Use an em-dash for interruption. Since Dominic is interrupted by Raven, an em-dash is appropriate.
8) Capitalize 'interstate.'
9) Hyphenate 'hand to hand.'

I hope these comments help you further polish this chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for shelving "Savannah Oak."

Have a fabulous day.

Al

Hi all of you lovely ladies-Read chapters 1, 8, and 9. Figured you were loaded with critiques from the first three chapters. Terrific first chapter. Held my interest and immediately began to envision her as one of those pickers or guests on those Hidden Treasure types of shows evaluating junk that's secretly worth a fortune. Exciting find when she opens the box's hidden door. Chapters 8 and 9 were of a bar scene in San Antonio. Because I jumped in midsream, I am disadvantaged as to who the character's are, but what I could glean, I liked. You three have a humorous, almost tongue and cheek dialogue going that makes the novel fun, i.e. 'aske me no questions and I'll tell you no lies' as they are flirting with death. Clear, thrilling, and fun story to read. Highly recommended and starred. Amazing how you women can write a novel together. Congrats on your success and good luck. You're almost on the ED!
Dina of Halo of the Damned and The Last Degree

Girls
I would back your book but my shelf is full just now. I tend to leave books on my shelf till they reach ED. In the meantime I have given you 5stars and put on WL. Would you all like to have a look at my 'Tales for Children'. I am assuming that you have families. I would welcome any feedback or comments.
Thanks Brian.

What a wonderful story line; it certainly isn't what I dreaded to read, lol, the usual vampire, falling in love, blah blah blah. This is a nice surprise and pulled me in immediately. As a woman, I felt for the jilted wife who turns out to be a bright, entrepeneur. When the box is opened and the secret drawer exposed, I am surprised at the size of the box. I thought of something shoe box size. That can go two ways. The surprise was nice or maybe more description of the box would be interesting.

Anyway, after a few pages, I have put this book on my watchlist and look forward to reading it. All the best, C.S.Poulsen

I've wanted to back your fantastic book for an eternity! Backed with genuine pleasure!

Sincerely Yours,
Ivan

I read to about chapter thirteen or so. I'll admit that this isn't my type of genre, so that may cause my comments to be peppered with cynicism, but I hope it is, at the very least, constructive :)

There are a few typos that I noted, but I'm not going to mention them. Rather, I'll just touch on the generalalities about plot, structure, etc.

In chapter one, I felt that we were being rushed through the story. At times, it goes so fast it begins to read like a script. We need more meat, characterization, and description.

At the end of chapter one, the vampire's thoughts move us back in time and it is confusing, as we don't yet know it is someone watching. Maybe if you made the shift a little more obvious, and kept the thoughts in chronological order?

Also, the girls have too many weird names. One or two is good for a novel - when they are all rare, it reads as forced.

There are too many adjectives in the descriptions. I see a lot of -ly words (franticly, angrily, etc). Sometimes, a few choice descriptions would paint the scene much better. A lot of times, even their actions alone are telling enough, yet we still get the descriptor and it takes away from the writing.

I thought the behaviour of the women when renting the car was outrageous, even with the knowledge of how bizarre and outlandish they are later on. It was just too much, and I can't imagine anyone physically threatening a customer service representative and not getting arrested. I feel the same way about the bar fight. Women (I don't care how crazy or brave) don't behave that way. And normal people would try out other theories before jumping to, "Oh, so they must just really be vampires."

Near chapter six and seven (in the car), I finally felt like I was getting a clearer picture of the women and their personalities, but I think it happened too late. Also, their speaking/thinking voices are too similar. They need individualization.

In chapter eleven, you end with the tension of a scream, and then dissipate all of it by telling us everything is okay in the first line of chapter twelve. Don't tell us that! Hold on to that tension for a bit!

Finally, something that really bothered me is the dialogue and inner monologues. For women who spend the weekends drinking and partying, I can't imagine one of them saying, "lordy, lordy!' or "scum sucker." They come off corny and unrealistic. Additionally, their conversations are just as descriptive as the actual descriptions in the novel. No one uses that many adjectives.


So, the reason I had so much to say, is because I think the plot of the novel is a real winner. The bones are great, it's the meat that needs work. I think this novel could use a lot of polishing, but it does a good job of being somewhat unique in today's over-saturated world of cliche vampires.

Sorry if I've offended. I am by no means a professional or an expert, so take what you will.

Katy
The Promenade

Okay ladies,

It definitely seems as though we've been making similar journeys. I'm not going to comment on your punctuation - I see that's been covered. Love the synopsis, love the opening chapters. Good pacing and, like my own novel, it starts in the past. I'm also not a fan of vampire literature; so why am I writing it? Well, that's a long story. However, I think when a writer, or as in this case, a trio of writers break some new ground. Well that's refreshing and I like that. I'll have more when I read more, which I will do.

When you get the chance, give my Blood Born vampires a visit.

Very tasty.

Larry M.

The Vampire Bible? Lord, no! The vampires in my novel have one too - the Book of Lost Souls. No doubt we've been visiting with some of the same dark beings, yes? I can't wait to see what you've got and hence, have added you ladies to my watch list.

Larry M.

Hi CC

This is an interesting premise and when done right, a vampire story is always good. For the most part your writing is very good, and I like the little bits from the Watcher's POV - not overdone, either. The main concern is commas. Although I didn't notice a lack of commas where there should be one, I did notice commas thrown in all over the place where there shouldn't be any. Not a big thing, as many writers are good at the creative part but not 100% on the technicalities - there's lots of things I probably don't use right. I've only mentioned a handfull of the commas so you have an idea what to look for:

'...glass, whale-oil lamp' - no comma after 'glass', unless whale-oil is being used as an adjective. If you can put 'whale-oil' before 'glass', then the comma is correct, but I think it is 'whale-oil lamp'.

'...granite, kitchen counter' - no comma. No comma goes after the final adjective (which includes single adjectives)

'...plastic, grocery bags' - no comma

'...the dog, his favourite treat' - no comma

'...the local, news anchor' - no comma

"wolf moon," - comma should always be outside the quotes unless it is part of the quote itself, which in this case it isn't. Also in this case, I think a semi-colon might work better.

When you use '...' only have a space after if it is a new sentence, and use a capital. If it is a continuation of the sentence, then no captial but no space either.

'...back (out) and speed off'

Perhaps the 'happy new year' bit could be more impactful if you said something like "The shouts of 'happy new year' drowned out Koleen's heart-broken sobs" - always makes me feel more for the upset character if its subtly or indirectly compared to other characters being happy. May just be me though.

It;s probably Authonomy's fault, but there doesn't seem to be any kind of break between her finding the book and it being on eBay - perhaps just for this site you could put in an asterisk break or something.

I'm not sure about mentioning eBay. There's something about it just doesn't seem right. I can't quite put my finger on what, though.

'Maybe, he was losing his touch' - no comma

'a violent shivers'?

'Had[...]over my grave' - doesn't read like a thought. That's past tense, third person narration mixed with 1st person. 'Did someone just...'

This whole chapter, if I'm honest, is not as good as the first. It reads almost like a slapstick comedy that isn't very funny. It also doesn't really further the story.

It'll probably be explained later, but why does Dominic have stakes in her bag?

Dominic's sudden violence seems extremely unrealistic and over-the-top. Even more so than Koleen grabbing the assistant for no particular reason. Her I can understand a bit more, as I'm guessing the book is having some kind of effect on her...?

An online martial arts course would be close to pointless, and she certainly wouldn't have lethal weapons as hands after one. With a bit of rewording, this could be amusing though.

Dominic is a male's name - it's your character, of course, but did you perhaps mean 'Dominique'?

Lastly, where she thinks about the man dodging out of sight, she thinks in the past tense. Although she's thinking about something that happened in the past (albeit very near past), it still doesn't read right. 'It IS almost like he DOESN'T want to be seen' would read better.

I know that all sounds quite negative, but it's easier and quicker to note the negatives than list all the things that are good about it! As I said, for the most part it is very well written. I'm beginning to wonder if all these women killed their husbands, and I want to read on to see if I'm right. Plus, of course, to find out how they deal with the vampires.

My concern, though, is the 'adult' classification. At the moment it's mostly teenagers who are into vampires. And, with all the MCs being female, it has a slight air of chick lit about it - but how many adult women are into vampires? One's that don't sparkle and take their shirts off at every opportunity, that is.

Anyway, I think it will do well. Good luck with it :) I hope some of this helped in some way.

I'd appreciate if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

Hi there,

On the suggestion of your friend Rickie Bill, I have just read and enjoyed your opening chapters. I'm not a great fan of the vampire genre - it is more my daughter's area than mine - but I really enjoyed it. Your style is crisp, easy to follow and you have great pace.. Your novel is virtually flawless and seems ready for publication.
Best of luck with it. I'll scatter some stars and back for a while.
Best wishes
Susanna
'The Missing Heiress'