THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

Dear Steven,

I have read all of chapters one through half of chapter 18. This is a great mix of social commentary and sci-fi time travel.

The President's voice is unique in fiction, I believe, which makes a great hook in itself. Then Brian's ability to "read" the President's mind is another hook that unifies the storyline.

As a Luddite myself, I can only marvel at the command of science, particularly physics, in your story. Your explanations of the science and the society changes and the purpose for their changes are well-written for clarity for someone like me. But after a while, these explanations became too long, too wordy, and I found myself being easily distracted away from the story; and my intense interest began to flag. This really began happening about chapter eleven.

This same tendency to be long-winded by Col. Smith and later the President again, when discussing his faith, were counter-productive to holding my interest. Even though I wanted to find out the President's plan -- which I am sure is well-thought out as is the rest of the book -- I stopped reading in the middle of chapter 18.

I believe that you are writing from strong beliefs and hoping to convince others of those feelings, political and otherwise. But I think that cutting some of the excess verbiage -- even though I understand that the people in his future talk this way -- and adding a bit more humor to break the intensity for your readers would be to your advantage in getting this published.

You have a great start here and with some judicious pruning, could finish on top, I believe.

I'm backing you.

Ancient Reader

Thank you, Ancient Reader for your honest and helpful criticism. I am going to cherry pick this because it is the type of comment that we need more of on this site if we are going to improve our work and get it in a shape that can really grab the attention of an agent or publisher.

One of the interesting things about your criticisms are that they are things that I wondered about at the time when I was writing. Be assured that I am now working on some major revisions.

Yes, I have strong beliefs on a number of issues, but I'm not really trying to convince anyone. Most of the issues involved are ones where people already have deeply entrenched feelings one way or another. What I would like to accomplish is to get people to perhaps think through why they hold the views that they do, whether they agree or disagree with my perspective.

THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE by Steven R. Lloyd.

The key question of any book of this genre is: will it sell in the marketplace? Time shift and teleporting gives great scope for imaginative writing of high quality and you don't disappoint Steven. Your deft interplay of satire, parody and politics undercut with dark prophesy is in the vein of great satirists - Jonathan Swift and George Orwell - to mention just a couple. So timely too. Your gift for making politics palatable in literary form adorns this most enjoyable and informative read from Chapter 1 to 22. This book is commercial and I envisage it could fill the vacuum left with the demise of 24 and The West Wing. There is still a voracious reader appetite for well made works such as yours and you certainly whetted my appetite. I sensed value for money here and anticipate that your reader's expectations will be more than adequately fulfilled in the bookstores. Commissioning Editors - PAY ATTENTION! Backed.

Tony Brady - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1, 2 & 3.

Fascinating pitch and premise that compel a read. 'General', I shot back, 'if I wanted to dance, my wife would be here instead of you', now here's a president that I can warm to. I'm also rather impressed with Colonel Smith's arrogant self-confidence. Yowch, nice line re the Kennedy speech. Later ... 'your round trip ticket to the Magic Kingdom'. Much later ... 'You are right on time. Welcome to the future'.

Highly accomplished writing, coupled with a clear insight into the role of the president and those surrounding him, make this an instantly credible story that survives the swerve into some very neat Sci-Fi. If the time travel is handled as carefully as the other technology, this will be an amazing scientific and philosophical exploration. Nice touches of humour throughout help keep the novel human and relevant ... backed.

Possible nits: 'demand answers ... demanded my time'. After the 'Magic Kingdom' remark, I feel the president needs to say or think something to justify his apparent trust of Smith, e.g. after reading the files, it was clear that I had two choices: trust Smith, or lose this opportunity and even possibly my life. 'spaceship remains ... space is moving', doesn't Relativity say that either state would be indistinguishable?

Well, this is a phantasm! I have never before read a book that begins with a more bold first statement- your first person (not easy to do but you do it well) protagonist is the most powerful man in the world- live up to that Harry Potter!

I like and agree with you realistic assessment of politics. You and I share a perspective on the crass insurgence of the modern body politic.

"And actually there is an Area 51. I can show it to you on a tourist map or google earth." Fantasic line.

A new theory on the assassination of J F K, a triumph. You have filled this with every juicy piece of gossip in US history- I love it all!

"Well Mr President, we aren't in Kansas any more, or Texas for that matter." Wonderfully sullen humour. J T KIrk? (father of James Tiberius by any chance!)

Well..BACKED and good on you for this, it's great!

Oh, yes. And watchlisted.

Love it. Very cute. But I suspect that's about to change into something very different. Hooked! Highly rated for now. Will keep reading...JK

Hi Steven,

This is good and original. I can't understand why it isn't much higher in the ratings. I will do my part to ensure it climbs a bit.

Ron

Going through all my comments to see who I backed and doing the star thing. Good luck, again Four Better Four Worse

Backed. Good luck.
P
The Healer's Stone

Very interesting technological and political speculation concerning the future; reminiscent of Brave New World.

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

Steven,

Awhile ago, you backed my book Time Squared. It is now my pleasure to back The Audacity of Hope and Change.

The voice of this is perfect: articulate, intelligent, serious but with a note of humor. I can believe that this president would ask these questions and want actual answers. He seems like a reliable narrator for a way-out story. You evoke Men in Black and Back to the Future without copying or being too obvious. I want to go on this ride.

Not only that, you've done your proofreading! That's rarer than it should be, so I always try to give credit where it's due. I think I found one typo in three chapters:

ch 1

There is a secret compartment in your desk." needs the opening quotation mark.

This is great and I wish all the best with it. I have a backlog of promised return reads, but I might come back and read more of this, anyway.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

I read the first chapter and part of the second and found it absolutely fascinating. I haven't had time to really do an in-depth read, but you've gotten off to an excellent start. Can't wait to read the rest!

Finally - the cyber-phantoms are cooperating and your book is backed!

Justis Call
Prestidigitations

Steven - I don't read scifi, but the general premise of your story is familiar to me. I read 2 chapters and got to then end wanting to read on, which is a good sign. The mix of familiar aspects of scifi (area 51, aliens, time travel etc) is more then enough to draw in your reader.

C1 - The President has written the story directly, implying its some kind of historical record. Therefore the inclusion of speech (while required) jarrs a little. How would he have remembered every word? You may wish to consider tweaking your opening para to somehow justify how the following story is constructed? It's like he is narrating, and the reader enters the scene at the point of the first dialogue.

The President's keeness to find out about the possibility of aliens etc is almost child-like impatience. I can see its a device to introduce the main premise of your story, but it came across to me as a slightly contrived way of getting to it. This is a deliberately 'picky' comment just so you consider if there may be a more subtle way to introduce it?

I liked the Area 48 concept, partly because I'm not sure if this is fact or from your imagination, yet it sounds real? I have also made up authentic sounding 'facts' and I know how satisfying it can be, especially when they succeed in fooling your reader!

The reverse engineering of alien technology - sorry; straight out of 'Men In Black' (and probably other scifi books if I had ever read any).

C2 - 'The files raised questions generations of sci-fi writers never imagined....' and these are? Because the President then rehashes the same familiar ones! - I enjoyed the description of the teleporter and the subsequent spaceship ride - lots of details and comment which adds realism to the implausible reality of the plot. The doorway transporter thing - now I've only ever watched the odd trailer, so I may be wrong, but thats going to remind a lot of readers of 'Stargate' isn't it?. The hook at the end where he suddenly finds himself in 2084 - good way to end the chapter, inviting the reader to turn the page.

Overall, you impressed this non- scifi reader, mainly with your confidence in your subject matter and in your ability to convey it, and also in the detail, which almost slips by unnoticed. Good luck with this.

Matt (Milkshake).

I want to thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my book, especially since Sci-fi is not your thing.

But I also wanted to take the opportunity to respond to one of your statements because you are not the first to make it.

You wrote, "The reverse engineering of alien technology - sorry; straight out of 'Men in Black' (and probably other scifi books if I had ever read any)." This is what is known as a "convention". It was not a new idea when it was used by 'Men in Black'. I read a book (supposedly non-fiction written by a former Air Force Colonel) at least 10 years before 'Men in Black' that made this claim. It has been around for a long time and a reference to it is somewhat expected in this type of book. The same is true of the time travel portal. It is reminiscent of Stargate, but also of Star Trek and a lot of others. The fact that it permits travel through time is a twist, but not a new idea either.

The suggestion in chapter 1 that the Kennedy brothers and Marilyn Monroe were killed by the government is a standard conspiracy theory, but those who read further (somewhere after chapter 14) will discover that it wasn't the government that was responsible for their deaths (that is the real "never before released information" referred to in the pitch - not what is in chapter 1).

It is important to include some new ideas, or at least some new twists on old ideas. But it is also important to include some standard concepts or conventions to make the sci-fi reader feel comfortable and at home by including ideas with which they are already familiar.

As for not revealing the questions that generations of sci-fi writers had never even imagined, that's classified information which you can't expect the President to reveal (which is another way of saying that it is one of those little details that says, "Expect a sequel"). I make no apologies about not providing answers to all the questions raised in this book. Several other books are already outlined and one is in progress.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

Steven - I don't read scifi, but the general premise of your story is familiar to me. I read 2 chapters and got to then end wanting to read on, which is a good sign. The mix of familiar aspects of scifi (area 51, aliens, time travel etc) is more then enough to draw in your reader.

C1 - The President has written the story directly, implying its some kind of historical record. Therefore the inclusion of speech (while required) jarrs a little. How would he have remembered every word? You may wish to consider tweaking your opening para to somehow justify how the following story is constructed? It's like he is narrating, and the reader enters the scene at the point of the first dialogue.

The President's keeness to find out about the possibility of aliens etc is almost child-like impatience. I can see its a device to introduce the main premise of your story, but it came across to me as a slightly contrived way of getting to it. This is a deliberately 'picky' comment just so you consider if there may be a more subtle way to introduce it?

I liked the Area 48 concept, partly because I'm not sure if this is fact or from your imagination, yet it sounds real? I have also made up authentic sounding 'facts' and I know how satisfying it can be, especially when they succeed in fooling your reader!

The reverse engineering of alien technology - sorry; straight out of 'Men In Black' (and probably other scifi books if I had ever read any).

C2 - 'The files raised questions generations of sci-fi writers never imagined....' and these are? Because the President then rehashes the same familiar ones! - I enjoyed the description of the teleporter and the subsequent spaceship ride - lots of details and comment which adds realism to the implausible reality of the plot. The doorway transporter thing - now I've only ever watched the odd trailer, so I may be wrong, but thats going to remind a lot of readers of 'Stargate' isn't it?. The hook at the end where he suddenly finds himself in 2084 - good way to end the chapter, inviting the reader to turn the page.

Overall, you impressed this non- scifi reader, mainly with your confidence in your subject matter and in your ability to convey it, and also in the detail, which almost slips by unnoticed. Good luck with this.

Matt (Milkshake).

Hi, Steven. I'm finally here for the read swap. Sorry it took so long. I read the first 4 chapters. Overall, I enjoyed the read. My only real problem with the writing is that it often times feels like the president is giving a report rather than telling a story. Given your narrator's position, I'm not sure there's any cure for this. If you gave the story-telling more of a poetic "writer's flare" it would lose its sense of realism. Wish I could be of more help.

Best of luck!

Jeff

I have been trying to move your book onto my shelf.....having tech problems...hopefully it will cooperate soon!

Justis Call
Prestidigitations

I liked the foresight in this book and the way you tie history, modern myth, conspiracy theories and political prognostication together. Your choice of narrator was bold--at first I was afraid this might be a rant against the dangers of Obama "socialism"--but your objective and low-key approach to the subject matter carried the day for me. The warnings you reveal are well considered. Backed.
Niobrara Kardnova (Family Irregulars)

Hi Stephen,

From the two chapters I read, I have mixed feelings. However the positive one has come through, and I think that overall, it is a good story, and well written. The voice of the President is authoritative, mainly because of his innate power, but also because it is written in the first person. So that is good.

I found the pitch a little presumptious, and the start a little spooky. I ovecame that though clearly and continued to read.

The dialogue, although a lot of it takes the form of large pieces of prose, I think was quite amusing, which actually made me laugh out loud. That is always good. But it seems to me that the President is aware of all this hoodwinking going on, eg when the pilot of the alien teleporter thingy winked at the colonel. Is he? Or is that the narator?

I'm not sure if your story (the beginning anyway) is too much like already done films. I'm sure that later it takes a different turn and move into some kind of plot.

Lastly, your title appears a little contradictory and gives the feeling of negativity. After all, hope is all we have, after all is said and done. Maybe a title that has a tone of power that matches the President's personality.

These are my thougnts. You are the author, and you don't have to agree. In any case, I haven't read the whole book ...yet. Certainly they are my first impressions.

But overall, it is well written, with humour, good dialogue, characters well drawn, and so I will back your book.

Best wishes
Marilyn

Hi Steven,

The President never rests, whether be it in 24, X Files or Audacity of Hope and Change. I am looking forward to seeing how you move the plot from the Great Recession to the Great Transformation. I will watch your progress with great interest and have bakced Audacity. Jnortonpa Epistle Book II - The Present

Fascinating window into a foggy reality that hasn't manifested its truth quite yet. You peer through possibilities and imaginative outcomes with an authentic tenacity that lures the reader to side with you if only momentarily, but it is that suspension of belief that is proof enough of your powerful ideas as well as your penchant for writing. Shelved. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Hi Steven
I love this subject area and you have given us a good new take on the idea. A bit wordy at times, but apart from that it reads well.
Backed,
Scott.

Wow! Never told story, that is now told. Peering into Mr. President's future and the American is like the world listening to a good melody. Honestly, your book cut across all boundaries and to the timeless future realm where change is inevitable. Well written piece. I tell you, I've read many books on this, but this is with an exceptional value. It's suppose not to be here, but published as quickly as possible, because it peered into the issue on ground. Backed. Goodluck.

Elijah E. Yamslaw (Victims of African Wealth)

Dear Steven

A troubling Swiftian journey to a place a century on from Orwells Big Brother, your genre defying work takes us from the familiar ( albeit with wit and originality) conspiracy theory territory of JFK, 9/11,Area 51etc. to a detailed and imagined dystopia of bewildering technological advance. Post holocaust domed cities, sci time, government controlled energy are only some of the consequences you foresee and which Mr President forewarns us of in his messages from the future. I think that sometimes you include unnecessary detail/repetition which slows the pace of your story and dilutes the impact of some of the passages. The philosophical question of whether history could be changed by the actions of time travellers and what the consequences of that change might be is a fascinating one and your protagonists conversations on this could be sharpened and clarified. Thought provoking and entertaining, I think with some considered editing this could be a great book.

regards

Brian

HI STEVEN 'THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND COURAGE'

What a great and imposing cover for starters, power written all over it without saying a word.well apart from the title! the pitch promises us all a great read especially with the mention of JFK AND MARILYN MUNROE ;
then the opening chapters. so right up to the minute, recession and that kind of thing
its compelling and exrtemely well written and the dialouge is second to none here.
its so creative and and when the president finds himself in a room having been in TEXAS and now teleported to NEW MEXICO . i will read more of this
backed with pleasure
tom bye
FROM HUGS TO KISSES

Steven,

I love the premise of this and that fact that you chose the president as you MC. I read through the first two chapters, wish I had time to read more. This would not be my normal pick, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I liked the portray of the president as a down to earth character, the reader wouldn’t care about one who acted liked a typical Politician. I liked the technology, the wrist watch that allowed him to travel. And chapter two has a great ending, “Welcome to the future.” Readers will certainly come back for the next chapter, how could they resist?

The only thing that bothered me a little was the beginning. I would consider shortening the part before the dialogue starts. It’s all backstory and mostly passive language that doesn’t draw the reader in as much as the rest of the chapter.

I am happy to put this on my shelf!

Laurie – Into The Master’s Lair

Hi Steven, I thoroughly enjoyed reading the first two chapters of this book, I like the way it weaves alien technology with true life events and its style is informative and stokes your interest to read more. Happily Backed, Allen Cooke (The Earth is My Ant Farm)

Hi Steven,

I've read the first 13 chapters and find it very enjoyable - my only suggestions would be - in 2084 how does the President and the world he inhabits communicate?

I could suggest Newspapers that stream real-time feeds - & what is the global order 74 years from now? What methods of terrorism is America fighting in 2084? & the religious right is so prevalent in American politics would it still be the kingmaker of any administration?

The trick here is not to paint yourself into too many corners.

Backed

Rob

this is really good, not one of those heavy political books, it enjoyable, backed for sure

alison

This is an amazing story with a great pitch. I've read the first chapter and will be back for more.

Backed with pleasure.

Len

Intriguing. Combination of many mind altering concepts. Well done.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

Interesting idea. I'm not a fan of prologues, though. I'd rather you got straight into the action with chapter 1. :)

When you get into the story with part one, I think the scene would be stronger if you gave some sort of setting before the dialogue to give the reader a sense of place. + The majority of the chapter is just dialogue, giving a Spartan feeling to the writing.

It's a good opening, though, and I can see people wanting to read on. I can also imagine your story doing well as a film.

Im happy to back your book and wish you well with it. :)

Pete

I was reading about Nixon recently and I kept thinking back to him and other presidents and found reality displacing your fiction. This is bad as it means your story has not fully gripped me from the first line. As I never read on unless I am captured at the very outset this spells doom. But I confess i am a quirky reader. However, I was not gripped by the the synopsis. Maybe this book just does not fit, suit, match my mind in anyway. That doesn't mean it is a bad story, just that it it not for me.

This is definitely a read that's easy to move through. I'm finding the concepts quickly grasped, the situations straight-forward and the mysteries involved quickly conveyed. I ended up nearly half-way through before I knew it - just drawn along :)
I would have to say that I envy the President's calm though! To me, the fact that he didn't freak out upon learning all he did is probably his single greatest characterization point ;)
Backed!

Stephen, I've just had a look at your opening chapters, and chapter 11 (and a little of 12.) You write with clairty and confidence here. Like a reviewer below, I'm not quite sure about the narrative voice, though. In some respects I feel this probably fits in perfectly with the way you want to tell you story - cold and functional - and if I were to read the whole novel it would become more engaging. Clearly, your story is an ambitious one, big and sprawling, full of ideas, andfrom what I've read you seem more than capable of pulling it off. Some of the chapters put me in mind of 'Brave New World' - which is no bad thing. More than happy to give you my backing.

NA 'A Red Sky in Morning' & 'Tales of Ordinary Sadness'

Loved especially chapter 2. My tip would be to do away with the prologue and weave the info into the first few chapters. The prologue contains necessary explanations but that info would be even more effective and compelling if 'shown' in dialogue rather than now where the prologue feels like "revving up the engine" when really you could blast of straight away with your fantastic chapter 2. I've always thought of that discussion which must take place at the start of each presidency. Love the scope and ambition of this tale, with you the very best of luck with it.

Wholeheartedly backed! Fabrice, Club Wars

Very interesting premise and reads as if Obama himself is writing! Find the tone too tempered for what is potentially riveting plot. Needs some spark though.The Norma Jean thing is too much. If it's going to me MM, I would get it out there. The mix of government discourse alluding to MM as NJB ... stretches credibility. Best of luck with this. I definitely think this would work better in the 3rd person? The plot promises much and for me the first person undermines it, in my very humble opinion. FOUR BETTER FOUR WORSE

This is an incredibly clever concept written with amazing insight of what is and what could be.

The first few chapters read effortlessly, but soon the narrative becomes as cold and clinical as the Orwellian future the President has entered. This may be intended as we learn of this new world order through the various ministry operatives and their automaton like sci-speak. Even so, I found myself glazing over in large sections of the middle chapters. Unnecessarily complex, like reading the small printed description of how to work out your APR at the bottom of a credit card statement. And I tried hard to resist the temptation to speed read further in order to find out about the great man-caused disaster and Thy One.

The Audacity of Hope & Change is an unashamed tip of the hat to the likes of 1984 & Soylent Green with added complexity.

In the way the dialogue reads I really think this could be re-worked well as a tele-script or screenplay .

This has been a Fair Crit comment.

The story moves quickly along into the world you create, but you spend too much time telling us about it. You’ve obviously thought a great deal about it, but giving the reader too many details about it can be overwhelming and/or boring. It’s difficult to convey the necessary information subtly and without overtly explaining everything so everyone will immediately see the picture you’re trying to paint. More editing will most likely fix a lot of this problem. Overall the writing is good, but could be tightened considerably. Here is a prime example:

‘What was going on here? As I pondered this, Colonel…’ You don’t have to have the first clause. We already know you’re pondering. You can just start with ‘Colonel Smith…’ Don’t worry so much about the timing of all the action. The reader will assume most of it correctly unless there’s a specific interval or order that needs to be stated.

The president should start the story by stating his name.

It’s also a little comma-heavy in the Prologue and the sentences are very uneven. Some are long and contain many thoughts, while others are choppy and could be combined. This may be what you’re intending for the president’s prose, but can be difficult for the reader.

There are generally too many appositive phrases, ones that interrupt the flow of the reading, that could be eliminated.

I like the ‘if I wanted to dance…’ comment. There are several smart and enjoyable parts like that throughout.

Phrases like ‘We came out into…’ are awkward because of two prepositions in a row. Try to use one word, preferably a good old transitive verb like ‘entered.’

I think this story will appeal to many – particularly those interested in American history, current politics, and science fiction (that’s a lot of people). You have an interesting story line that is thematically similar to The DaVinci Code, for example. You have taken a number of factual occurrences in history and woven and single story that connects all of them together into a cohesive unit. That’s imaginative, but difficult to be convincing. So far, I find it all a little too convenient and simplistic to hold my attention. There is a lot of exposition, but not much drama. I’m not sure how you can fix that. Perhaps the president could be the one to discover these things (instantaneously, as far as the current world is concerned) on his own, rather than being told about them. That may prove more exciting and interesting. The antagonist can begin to infiltrate the action to provide the necessary conflict. Just a suggestion to make you think.

Hope you found this review of service. Best of luck with the writing,

Thomas Albert – Seeing Stone

This is stunning work encompassing subjects that are becoming myths and legends in their own time. The plot unfolds in a unique style with the President's voice. The idea of America as a future utopia seems plausible however ominous with Artificial Intelligence to the fore, along with advanced health treatment. This obviously would affect the economy taking as you write, America along a very different course.The imaginative scenario is awesome and highly readable.
Your language is concise with the story flowing faultlessly.

Best wishes,
Katy,
Phobic Dawn.

Thorughly enjoy this and will read more of what is a grand scheme.

Backed with pleasure,

The pitch is compelling. It's an original idea & you get this across well. I think the President makes a great protagonist. I read the prologue & Part one, 1. A good start to the novel. Area 48 sounds interesting. There's nothing I noticed that needs fixing. Happily backed. Tim (Vitality)

Fair critters review - this has a very interesting premise and I love time travel stories, however, I don't think the writing is creating a compelling narrative. It opens with an info dump, what the president has been doing since he came into office, and then once the story starts it all just happens - he asks questions, they get answered and he gets to see the alien technology and then he arrives in the future. If the story doesn't start (in terms of intrigue and thrills) until he arrives in the future, then I would suggest you begin in the future (and then use flashbacks or dialogue to explain how he got there). The revelations about Kennedy and Marilyn being assassinated have been around for years, and I think, if you are going to mention them, you need to give the reader a new angle. Great idea, but it need as lot more suspense and action, imo. Jake

Thanks, Jake, for your comments. What you refer to as an "info dump" is being transferred to the prologue, but it is not about what the President has done. It is simply a vehicle to create a certain image of the President's identity in the mind of the reader. The information is accurate, but the image it will likely produce is not.

With regard to the deaths of the Kennedy brothers and Marilyn Monroe, if you think that Colonel Smith is saying that they were killed by the government (his agency), you would be making the same mistake that the President makes at this point. Again, what is stated is accurate, but misleading. In chapter 17 (Part Three II) the President wants Col. Smith to use the alien technology to try to help prevent the coming apocalypse and after the Col. agrees to help, the President confesses that he was concerned that the Colonel's agency might have decided to kill him for his proposed use of the technology and the Col. clarifies that it was not his agency that was behind the Kennedy and Monroe deaths, it was aliens. I don't think that revelation has been around for years.

My book does not claim to be an action thriller (I did list it as a thriller when I first uploaded it, but removed the "thriller" tag a few weeks ago). It is political science fiction (in the line of 1984 and Logan's Run) with a large dose of satire (Similar to Jonathan Swift in Gulliver's Travels). The story is more of a mystery (unfortunately, authonomy does not list "politics" or "mystery" as genre options): can the President return to his own time and prevent the apocalyptic future from happening? The solution to the problem is presented in the next to last chapter when the President confronts the villain and explains how he solved the problem in a Poirot type moment.

I am continuing to make changes (I hope improvements) based on the critiques I am receiving on this site and am grateful for all the suggestions that are made.

Steven Lloyd

Fair critters review - this has a very interesting premise and I love time travel stories, however, I don't think the writing is creating a compelling narrative. It opens with an info dump, what the president has been doing since he came into office, and then once the story starts it all just happens - he asks questions, they get answered and he gets to see the alien technology and then he arrives in the future. If the story doesn't start (in terms of intrigue and thrills) until he arrives in the future, then I would suggest you begin in the future (and then use flashbacks or dialogue to explain how he got there). The revelations about Kennedy and Marilyn being assassinated have been around for years, and I think, if you are going to mention them, you need to give the reader a new angle. Great idea, but it need as lot more suspense and action, imo. Jake

Hi Steven,
Some notes on your MS.
I’ll be typing this as I read...
Your short intro was intriguing and led me immediately to read more. The thoughts of a president writing down events that would happen is interesting, if that’s what you meant.
Don’t usually like first person accounts, so I read with trepidation. First person works well in non-fiction or bios, but not so well with me in fiction. However, I read on. Felt uncomfortable with the info dump in the beginning. I know we’re not supposed to start with dialogue, but as soon as I got to it, I felt right at ease. Don´t know what to suggest – perhaps starting with an aid addressing the president about his enemies? The turn from political enemies to ‘alien’ seemed abrupt, so a conversation about the enemies, leading eventually to the ‘other matter’ might slip things in a bit better. However, this is only my OP and I can be completely wrong.
In the par starting with “Sir, last week...” he mentions in the last sentence, “the real alien facility.” If I were the president, I would be jumping all over this, however, the president is interested in knowing who sent him...seems odd as this alien issue seems to be where you’re heading.
However, area 51 is always a great subject, and I am enjoying this...
Asked who the mistress was...something I figured he would just have stated.
Love your facts thrown into your fiction. Adds believability.
A few times you’ve mentioned the president talking testily or shooting back answers. Why is he so angry?
I’m also curious what it was the president told the SecDef and Joint Chiefs. Is the joint chiefs more than one person? Next sentence you said they were both relieved...
Next Chapter. You need a security detail following the president. You make no mention of this, and I know you don’t want to clog the story, but it should be mentioned at some point for realism. Enjoyed the chapter.
No grammar or spelling issues, which is great. Did find the odd pleonasm and adverb, but otherwise, very good. Liked the J. Thomas Kirk play, which most wouldn’t associate with Star Trek. Surely there is a better term than the Flying Saucer Museum? Sorry, but we’re going for believability here...
In all, this read is very entertaining. There is need for some editing, but you’ve come up with an interesting storyline and right up my scifi alley. I’m WL this for further read after shelving, as I definitely want to know what happens next.
Happily backed.
Paul
www.pauldaytonscifi.com
The Eye of the Idol

Fair Critters review by Sandra Davidson
Hi Steven,
What a concept! You are certainly brave taking on a novel with Obama as your main character. I rad the first 7 chapters to get an idea where this story was going, and may read more when I have time. You certainly intrigued me.

Okay, here's some observations. Your short prologue just dangles there to no effect. Add it to your first chapter, where it belongs. makes more sense and gives the reader something to latch onto.
You should go through the whole manuscript and get rid of your too formal language. By that I mean - use contractions. Sounds more like natural speech.

The president's reaction to everything he's seen is flat. He doesn't even seem curious. That is the main thing lacking from your manuscript - emotion. Now I realize the president is going to be somewhat contained, that's the nature of his office, but we need to see excitement in some way.

For heaven sake, don't call your book a thriller. It is far from that. It is a sci fi time travel. I've written many timetravels - all published so I know what I'm talking about. Oh yes. One more problem and it's important. I noticed your manuscript is only 77,000 words. Look up the requirements for word count for sci fi's and see if you're safe. I kind of think your word count may be too small. Believe me, I know from experience how important word count is, so don't neglect it.

All in all I enjoyed reading your chapters and wish you all the best in your quest to become published.

Hi Stephen
The idea, the plot, for this is brilliant - it's potentially gripping. I think you need to consider who your market is, though. If it's aimed at ordinary readers who buy thrillers, the blocks of descriptive text and long, quite complex sentences may be a little off-putting. Could you perhaps get to the action/dialogue more quickly and find some other way to give the info? And I didn't get a clear image of the people you mention - could you give some idea of how they look, which will make it easier to get into the book?
There are some real flashes of vivid writing eg in Chap 3 when you say that the idea that we're not alone made you feel very alone - these are gems. But I truly believe you could prune a lot of the text. For example (and I'm using Chap 2 here because that's what's on my screen here as I write - if I page onwards I'll lose all of this ...) when he goes to the secret compartment and says he thought it was known only to the President (I guess the outgoing President would have told him about it?) couldn't he make an issue of that with Col Smith - this would break up the long paragraph of dialogue by Smith - this is just a possible example and perhaps would provide an opportunity for more of your 'gems'. Please totally ignore all this if I'm speaking (writing) out of turn. Anyway, I'm very happy to back it. Good luck,
Vall
Midwyf

Technically well-written and a fascinating read!

What it lacks is a face, a connection to the story, a conduit to add meaning to the social commentary and provide plausibility to the revelations shared with the reader.

You have created a world we can’t wait to get to know better but have little opportunity with all the explaining that goes on and on and on. If the editor cannot get past the first paragraph or first chapter (not the Prologue), then it doesn’t really matter how good the rest of the book is written.

This novel has tremendous potential and with a little more tinkering could be great.

Hello Steven,

Many thanks for backing "The Doctor of Summitville" and for calling my attention to your remarkable narrative, of which I've now read several chapters. I'd like to begin with compliments on your masterful introduction, balanced between "show and tell," character driven, politically neutral, and technologically plausible. And I should add, damn well written. I'll gladly back it and soon read on.

In the spring of 1972, I spent several enjoyable days in Carcassonne's cite, an enviable location for writing history and fiction. I assume that you speak French, and you may have read in my bio that I study it. Here in Sarasota I belong to several French-speaking groups. This keeps me busy, along with editing, fiction writing, and meetings with my Fiction Writers Forum. I imagine we have much in common.

For now, back to your novel. I wish you well-deserved success with this extraordinary creation--Bill

Wow, what a premise. Instantly had me excited. I normally do not like books told in the first person but this works well. Good luck!

Steven, I've read four chapters, and many of the comments below, and agree that you have a sound, original story here, written with competence and confidence, which I've backed without hesitation. But when you hit the Editors's desk - which you seem certain to do - they will be looking at the first ten thousand words not just for quality but for reasons to reject you. An agent or a publisher's reader will look as closely at persistent over-use of adverbs and incorrect use of apostrophe as much as plot development - indeed, the first two might prevent them reaching the third.
Somewhere, I've read a query about adverbs.
Adverbs need to be handled like my Russian wife; with extreme forethought and trepidation.

Nobody likes to be wrong, so why 'sorely' mistaken?
If sb shouts, they're unlikely to be happy, so why add 'angrily'?
What does 'rudely' add to 'interrupted'?
'Realised suddenly'. One of my favourites is from Peanuts: "Gradually, a shot rang out". The word 'suddenly' is almost always unnecessary. (Just like the words 'The word' in that last sentence :)
Today, I've read, 'sun-ripened corn' (how else is corn ripened?) 'Rolex watch' (shoes, surely?), and 'dun brown' (as opposed to dun blue?)
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh. I overlooked 'invisible, intangible threshold' in my own book for years until sb on this site pointed out that intangible implies, unmistakably, invisibility.

You've got a good book here, methinks, and you can write for sure, and I wish you luck with it. So it's backed for sure.
Best,
Peter Wild
Double Action

Steven, strong voice: believable, engrossing. well done. great fictional conceit as well. a winner here.
on my shelf.
i could send only kudos, but have a very, very minor thought re adverbs. maybe delete a few. i know, the old bug-a-boo ;) - anyway, here's a possible candidate, near the middle of ch 2 on auth: "stared intently" - would "stared" be strong enough?
great story! best, andy

Happy Birthday, Mr. Pres-i-dent, Happy Birthday to you.

Good work, Steven R. Lloyd. The Audacity of Hope and Change, how about a game of golf?

Backed and you have my vote.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Thanks Steven. I love your book too. It's a gripping tale. More than happy to back it! William Hatchett

This has an interesting plotline that should appeal to readers of thrillers and of science-fiction.
Writing in the first person can be tricky as reading about the narrator’s inner thoughts can become tedious, so you need to take care to keep this to the minimum.
The first paragraphs tend to read a bit like a campaign manifesto. Chapter one should establish where the story is set and in what period and introduce the main character. It should also set up the conflict around which the plot will revolve so that it will hook the reader’s interest and create empathy for the main character’s situation. What is driving him? What is his goal? A good place to begin is on the day the MC’s life changes. Perhaps you should consider beginning with “In a meeting with the secretary of defence...” you can weave in the information as the story unfolds. You need to keep the reader asking ‘what is going to happen next?’
I think a brief description of the setting would help readers to ‘see’ the scene. Remember that the reader can only see the moving picture in the writer’s head through the words on the page, so it is best to provide as vivid an image as possible with the most economical use of words. It is not necessary to describe in detail a setting with which most readers will be familiar, it is more important to provide the atmosphere.
I think the story would greatly benefit from some character-based description, so that the reader can recognise each character through their dialogue and actions.
The reader is taken straight into the storyline before having an opportunity to get to know the characters and identify with them.
Try to give the characters their own speech patterns, props, ticks, and anything that sets them apart.
Remember that people rarely sit or stand still as they speak, so the dialogue should be balanced with gestures or actions, or reactions.
Readers can tell when characters talk about things they already know, or when the speakers appear to be having a conversation for our benefit. You never want one character to imply or say to the other, “Tell me again, Bruce: What are we doing next?” Too much irrelevant dialogue will slow the pace of the story. The reader should be fed just enough information to follow the action.
Each character should have a distinctive dialogue. The reader should be able to recognize who is speaking without the help of the dialogue tag. Dialogue can provide revealing glimpses into a character that cannot be supplied through description.

I think you have the basis for a fine book here, but with a little editing it could be even better.
Regards
Jan