The Doomsday Preacher

I liked the intro here. I know you’re not supposed to start with dialogue, but who cares. I did myself. Dialogue is crisp and natural. The playful events described were pleasant, which set the stage for Uto’s sinister intro later in the chapter. Her narrow escape and the oath to kill him led the chapter to an exciting conclusion. I ended the chapter thinking this very polished, and was happy to see the same in chapter two.

George, I have to say that this is very pleasant, an exciting account you have going. The writing is fast paced but always charming, and I definitely think this has publishing potential. I’m WL this permanently to read more of later on.

Paul ( www.pauldaytonscifi.com )

We’ve Seen the Enemy

Despite the 'foreignness' of this society, we quickly settle into the domesticity that is Morien's life. It helps that the descriptions are so clear and vivid - the city: 'white triumphs of architecture', the mountain: 'the whole world of vision must curve inwards to make room for it'. In the city, the festival, while Uto lurks near the women's baths. He may be evil, but he's not too smart. ('eighty-two years', so we learn that they are long-lived.) Some people seem only to blight: 'Why today, that was so beautiful?' Instead the couple turn to the theology of darkness and light, and the Stone. And now a sign from the Stone...

The descriptions are a pleasure: 'her voice sewn through with golden laughter', 'The birds, little pieces of glittering color', 'the bitter taste of the spoiled day'. And this new world is eased into the reader's awareness, an achievement that few fantasy or Sci-Fi novels can boast, as is the fact that the heart of the story is very much the personal experiences of the main characters ... backed.

Possible nits: 'and certainly nothing that we would call urban', this yanks the reader out of the story, drawing attention to themselves and the modern world - you don't need it - make the previous clause, 'there was little sense of crowding'. 'strange rock formations', they won’t be strange to the people there - perhaps just describe them, i.e. colour / shape / size?? 'burbled their strange songs', again, perhaps a more descriptive term than 'strange'.

This is one of the most enjoyable reads I've encountered on the site. Everything about it is compelling and interesting, making me want to continue reading. If it were a paperback, I could quite happily curl up and read the whole thing.

A few observations -
Maybe a smidge too many exclamation marks (I'm also guilty of this!!!!)
In the amphitheatre, the phrase 'kick off' doesn't seem to fit with the time and place.
I'd like to have seen a little bit more of Uto before the baths. Something that reveals a little of who he is.

Apart from that, I loved it and have backed it with pleasure. Will keep on my wl to dip in and out of xx

This is good writing but it doesn't quite grip and force a read-on. Perhaps it's that there are so very many fantasies on the site that the reader longs to be in some recognisable world with recognisable characters. Sadly, it's a case of overdose of genre. Shame that good writing suffers from lack of motivation to write something more unusual.
Lara
Good for Him

There's a strong sense of story and build up here but i found the p[ace a little slow and the narrative a bit flat. It goes form one thing tothe next very smoothly, bu tmaybe too smoothly, nothing untoward happens and it's a fairly passive opening (which migh tbe your intention, I don't know) until Uto attacks ihrel.

I would suggest a little more tension in the beginning, maybe some problem with the parade, some difficulty that needs to be overcome. It would also help is see what kind of people they are just through what they do and what choices they make, even if it's only small things. maybe something as simple as finding the fruit rotten and needing to get more for the fruit salad (that's just a silly example off the top of my head, my point is problems-solving gives us a good idea of the sort of person we're dealing with) .

Overall it's very well written, good dialogue especially. Backed.

Your imaginative storyline and descriptive writing style makes your fictional fantasy a pleasure to read. Your dialogue is well constructed, I really like how you started your book with it, the story is character rich and your use of imagery is excellent. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Well done, backed. Sorry time today prevents a proper review. Lara, Good For Him

Hi George, This evokes an atmosphere that reminds me of ancient Greece. It’s enchanting with the baths and the fruit and the entertainment. Morien’s dialogue involved and provided a kind of distraction from her mother in the bath. The towel retold her shape – nice phrase. The conflict erupting from the rape is a compelling starting point. Happy to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

George,

From the pitch you have an intersting epic mythic work here.

However, this starts a little slowly and a few things struck me:

--first the dialogue often didn't sound authentic to my ear;
--second, some of the dialogue was little more than disguised exposition; and
--there wasn't a strong ancient feel.

On the other hand it did strike me as relatively easy to read and as I read on the pace picked up.

I do wonder, though, whether literary fiction is the right choice of genre.

Good luck with this.

Hi George,
What a brilliant mind you have for science fiction. Have you been published with other works in this genre?
I have only read two chapters but I intend to read more. Backed with pleasure.

Phil
Danny Murphy

Thanks Phil! Unfortunately, I'm still unpublished. I'm working on that, ha ha.
I will check out your book sometime this weekend or on Monday! Thanks again.

Hi George,
What a brilliant mind you have for science fiction. Have you been published with other works in this genre?
I have only read two chapters but I intend to read more. Backed with pleasure.

Phil
Danny Murphy

I love that you have taken something that has been done and added something different to kick start it. Your book starts off strong and just keeps going with a great pace, realistic dialogue and fun characters. I really enjoyed this! You've got a great writing style.

Missy

I liked the intro here. I know you’re not supposed to start with dialogue, but who cares. I did myself. Dialogue is crisp and natural. The playful events described were pleasant, which set the stage for Uto’s sinister intro later in the chapter. Her narrow escape and the oath to kill him led the chapter to an exciting conclusion. I ended the chapter thinking this very polished, and was happy to see the same in chapter two.

George, I have to say that this is very pleasant, an exciting account you have going. The writing is fast paced but always charming, and I definitely think this has publishing potential. I’m WL this permanently to read more of later on.

Paul ( www.pauldaytonscifi.com )

We’ve Seen the Enemy

I've updated the first two chapters, addressing some of the problems people brought up. Let me know what you think.

I am currently working my way through the MS, checking all dialogue to make sure it sounds natural to me.

...
[1] One of my suggestions would be to work on your pitch a bit more. Instead of calling Uto a common laborer, rephrase it to: Uto, in disguise of a common laborer OR Uto, pretending to be a common laborer.

[2] Also, he does not technically rape Proto's wife (or maybe that comes later?), rephrase to : Uto attempts to rape Proto's wife.
In the story, maybe build up Uto's dark side by maybe introducing him a bit earlier, just giving glimpses of him lurking around before he attacks Ihrel.

Thanks Rakhi.

1. In the pitch, I want the smoothest language possible. Both of those wordings are too complicated for me. I do appreciate your feedback though!

2. He disrobes and sexually assaults her. I consider this rape, even if he didn't have time to get his clothes off or do anything more. Again, to say "he attempts to rape her" is too complicated.

Thanks though, I will check out your profile now.

I found this mystical world that you have created to be quite fascinating. I also thought that the dialogue, the setting, the names of the chracters and the imagery cohesively supported in creating this world. The characters are quite interesting and the basic concept of good versus evil is always universal and appealing.
One of my suggestions would be to work on your pitch a bit more. Instead of calling Uto a common laborer, rephrase it to: Uto, in disguise of a common laborer OR Uto, pretending to be a common laborer.
Also, he does not technically rape Proto's wife (or maybe that comes later?), rephrase to : Uto attempts to rape Proto's wife.
In the story, maybe build up Uto's dark side by maybe introducing him a bit earlier, just giving glimpses of him lurking around before he attacks Ihrel.
This is just very small suggestions, hope it helps. Other than that, you have a story that is very fascinating.
I backed it earlier and I'm glad to have read more.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

There is something epic to this story which echoes the very best of Greek mythology in terms of its balls and larger than life characters and sweeping landscapes in which the battles are fought. Excellent.

Hi George
Great idea and some excellent writing. You've got some great character names in there as well. Backed.
DP Walker
Five Dares

I think you have a fantastic story developing here!
Very much like the purity you are portraying, however the opening it is strangely quiet. I don’t know if this is intentional but there is no descriptive background sounds that for me would have give a sense of place. You bring the sound in later so I suspect it is part of the structure.
I’m only up to the greatest stone that ever fell to earth but I have a sense you have a very intelligent and well thought out book here. – Good luck.

Your immense talent as a writer of science fiction is obvious. Nice, breathtaking opening to start off the story and pretty good dialogue. The short pitch is attractive and your long pitch is fine too.

Whay so much use of white I wonder. is there some reason?

Happy to back

Thank you! Yes, the white is on purpose. This being the first city on earth, I want a sense of purity, of something that is largely undefiled at this point, until the rape. I want the reader to see white, green, and sunshine, blinding, everywhere. This is pretty much the dawn of time.

Thank you, I'm heading to your page now!

Your immense talent as a writer of science fiction is obvious. Nice, breathtaking opening to start off the story and pretty good dialogue. The short pitch is attractive and your long pitch is fine too.

Whay so much use of white I wonder. is there some reason?

Happy to back

My immense thanks to those with constructive criticism! I'm going to revise this heavily. To those who posted real comments, I will read your work, but it will take me a few days to get to all of it. Thanks again!

First off, this is an interesting read. Others have said it, and you do put a great deal of work into evolving your world. The setting is superb, and that makes an excellent foundation for the rest of the story. Blueboy did make some good points, particularly about the dialogue, which I found to be a little stilted. Characters are a great chance to inject humanity into your work, and a bit more personality in what's being said (or even more use of body language) would help build the characters further.

In the mean time, I've backed this as a promising piece, and I wish you the best of luck with it.
Abi xxx

Hi George

A really interesting story hear, i look forward to reading on. The Grecian theme is always a draw for me and i have great respect for those that weave together a completely new world.

May i also say its nice to see someone taking criticism how it is supposed to be taken.

great work

Backed

CC

You have an intriguing premise here, nicely written but in need of a slight edit. Don't get disheartened take all the CONSTRUCTIVE crits on board and your MS will shine. I'm not going to repeat what others say except tell you that you're 80% there, the foundations are excellent just keep rebuilding the sides until the roof is ready to be put on.

Shelving you for the obvious potential
Melxxxx

Welcome aboard, George. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch is too generic; give us more detail. The long pitch needs to be expanded upon, show more of mini story arch, then end it with a question. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

OK, (in my opinion) you have some major issues to deal with as you go through your editing process.

blueboy

Thanks for the detailed criticism. I wrote this book when I was 20 (3 years ago). I recently reread and re-edited it, but obviously I was not hard enough on myself. I think it's difficult for me to distance myself from my work and not allow its familiarity to me to make me think all is well with it.

I wrote from an outline here (of course), but at the time I had not really developed the strict outline discipline that I use now. I will take a look at the first third or so of this book with that in mind. I know that once the action picks up, it moves, but I take the criticisms about disjointedness, fluff, and lack of structure to heart. Thanks for your boldness.

George, loved the pitch, very well done and grabbing. Where does one get such a world in their head. CONGRATS this book is so well crafted and is very classical in style. I did not read it all but will continue. Each step you take me to, I want more, and your characters portray vivid colors. BACKED for sure. .If you would review 'The Letter' and give your comments and backing, I would appreciate it.

Denise
The Letter

The pitch reminds me of a Greek myth. There's a formal restraint about your style which reminds me of a translation of them. I mean this as a compliment - your characterisation and descriptions are vivid and eloquent. Also I cannot agree with a comment below about the unstructured form of your chapters. I have read only the first two, but these are the two he singles out.
I wish I had time to read more. But two chapters is enough to know you have talent. Backed. Lynn

DOOMSDAY PREACHER
This is an imaginative story. You’ve obviously spent a lot of time designing this imaginary world; it shows in the way you’re able to describe characters and settings down to fine details. And because you’re able to do that - it makes this world seem real. You’ve added good characters. A good plot. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This is not a request for backing. It is simply a new service I am providing for new Authonomy Authors. I hope it's helpful.

When a new book is posted by someone who hasn't posted a book here before, it will have a ranking of round about 5,000. Within half an hour or so, it will be up in the 2,000s. That happens because there is a group of people (they have high talent spotting ranking) whose sole job it is to back new books. They are not required to read them, and generally do not. But they perform a useful function in ensuring that every newcomer's book rises from the bottom of the pile to about the middle.

The next stage is far more difficult. Many new authors fall by the wayside. They are pleased by the initial meteoric rise and assume they need do nothing. As the days pass, their books begin to fall down the rankings again. Some leap into action (see below). But others lose interest and disappear.

Those who wish to get their books higher up the charts have to draw attention to their work. But the important first step is to acquire a talent spotting ranking. It doesn't have to be very high, but remaining unranked is a mistake. Others are unlikely to bother with a book by an unranked talent spotter because they will reckon he or she will not bother to return the read (and being backed by an unranked author adds practically no points to a book). So, you need to back a few books. You can, of course, emulate the top talent spotters and just go to the new authors section and back their books without reading them. On the whole, I think, that is a mistake. You would be better advised to set aside the occasional hour here and there and use it for reading books on the site. Read two or three chapters (more if you wish to) and, if you like what you have read, back the book (put it on your shelf). More importantly, write an intelligent comment on the book. Try to avoid creative writing class jargon (saying "you need to show more and tell less" about every book is generally not helpful). Comments don't have to be all negative. If there is something about a book which you particularly admire, explain what it is. But, if there is something that grates, do say so (politely if possible). Don't rush, at least in the first instance, to remove books from your shelf and replace them with others. At this stage, you need your talent spotting ranking to rise and that will only happen if others back the books on your shelf while they are still there.

Once you have demonstrated that you are the sort of person who reads, comments on and backs other books, you can start pushing your own more energetically. This is where things get controversial. A practice has grown up which is called "spamming". This involves sending out messages to all and sundry asking them to read your book in return for a promise that you will return the read. It is not an attractive practice, but many consider it essential. I don't think it is (many books have got to the top without the aid of spamming - I certainly never spammed anyone). A nicer way of doing things is to continue reading other books, commenting on them and backing them if you like them. Active members of the site will be likely to return the reads and, if they like your book, to back it. When someone whose book you have not read backs yours (I don't mean the initial top talent spotters who won't actually have read any of yours), try to find the time to return the read.

You can also make use of the forum. Straight plugging of your book may not achieve all that much (people are getting a little bored by that), but intelligent, witty, informative posts (which can certainly make the occasional reference to your book) will get you known and people, out of curiosity, will click on your name to see what you have written.

Although you will come across some people who sneer at the top twenty or so books, saying they only got there by spamming etc, I think you will find that the ones which rise that high are generally pretty good (there is the odd exception such as my own book). So doing your best to make your book really good is an essential ingredient of success on the site. If others make sensible suggestions for improvements, do consider them and, if you are persuaded, make the necessary changes.

All this takes time (certainly measured in months rather than weeks). But a good book, plugged properly, stands every chance of getting to the top.

I hope all that makes sense.

Charles

OK, (in my opinion) you have some major issues to deal with as you go through your editing process. This is consistently awkward. Your prose is choppy and disconnected. It would help your voice tremendously if you would edit out much of the fluff and connect your narrative elements together in a more fluid manner. Fluff is an art form, and to be perfectly honest (and at risk of bruising your ego) you have not mastered it just yet. So stick to the script, and details that move your plot forward

The pitch is not very compelling: you have a rape, a spooky proclamation, and a mild warning as to the impending doom the spooky proclamation may bring. Really? Have you ever read a book that highlighted as its central theme a proclamation? “Hey man, read this-there’s a proclamation in it and everything!!” You really need to rewrite it so that you bring out the more interesting selling points. The pitch is your commercial so to speak, so sell it! Remember that reader’s surfing the book list will only see your short pitch, from that they will decide if they want to read the long pitch, and from that they decide if they care to read your book. You will pull in more readers with more a more interesting descriptive pitch?

Your dialogue needs work also; it is forced, not very conversational (not even for the genre), and mechanical. If you’re going to write in this kind of “high form” you need to read the way others write this kind of dialogue and to some extent try to mimic their tone and vocabulary. Read, read, read, and try to copy the style.

Also, dialogue perspective is important. Some things may be more formal and other will not be. Remember conversational is the key. You have to make good intuitive choice as to what is formal and what is not. Even in archaic times of high speech they had formal and informal conversational speech. So you have to work out your intuition for each. “I’ve finished washing these dishes…” really? Would anyone ever say that? This is what I mean by “forced” you are shoving awkward dialogue down the throat of your characters. Make their speech conversational. Even in other realms there is a normative easy speech and among friends they would use it. It think, “I’m finished washing the dishes”… would work fine. Your tendency to throw in high embellishments in places that it should seem intuitively awkward is something you need to work, as such embellishments detract from the overall read. Some of your dialogue sounds like you you’re trying to write in first and third person at the same time. You need to get into the mindset of each character. There is no such thing as third person dialogue, all dialogue is delivered from the perspective of the person speaking.

There seems to be no rhyme or reason to your chapter breaks, especially between chapter one and two; you just arbitrarily end the first chapter in the middle of an exchange and decide to start a new chapter in the middle of the scene. You have to know that makes no structural sense. You need to approach chapters as if they are thoughts, passages of writing that accomplish something you need to accomplish in order to move the plot forward. My gut instinct is that you had no clear objective in the chapter in the first place; it rambles on and so you cut it off arbitrarily because you have no clear outline or process dictating your choices. I think you would benefit from a clear outline for the novel as a whole and for each chapter so that you will have some measure to go by so that you will know what you are doing in each chapter. That way you will know when you have done it, and then you will know where to end the chapter. Make sense?

You let the narration come between the characters and the reader too often, and you right very passively. Narration is ok in large quantities, but if you’re going to do it must be done in a way that is fluid and pulls the reader along. You can break any rule so long as you break it in a interesting or compelling way that works—but as I have said this is very choppy and disjointed, and so too much narration in a awkward prose is tedious and off putting to your reader, so if you keep it you must polish and smooth out the prose.


I think an outline would also help you decide how much time and space in each chapter you need to devote to your plot. I say this because at the end of the third chapter I am still not sure if you have one. By the end of the second or third chapter (at the very least) there should be some sort of an unfolding of a deeper plot structure and so far I have found no compelling structure to the story; and so far your characters are dry and sterile. You need to carefully weave in character development to make us care for them in a way that is emotionally meaningful. I know the others have not mentioned this but I promise you they are not helping you by giving you too much praise. They are blowing smoke up your bum in hopes of your backing their manuscripts, but their praise will not help you grow as a writer. I would strongly suggest you take my advice and do a major overhaul on this before you get anywhere near the editor’s desk, you need to polish so that you will get a fair reading. I can see you’re a serious writer so I think you will do the work, if not it won't matter anyway. Good luck with your manuscript. I do wish the best of luck with your editing process. I hope this feedback is helpful to you.



blueboy

This is some very accomplished writing. Your pitch is intriguing but confused me slightly. You say a common labourer commits rape and then mention that Uto has committed an evil act. Are these evil acts and the rape one and the same? If so, then why not write 'Uto, a common labourer?'. Also in chapter one you start with 'Laughter was all around Morien' - very nice indeed. But then a few sentences down repeat 'Laughter and white and singing were all around Morien'. Is the repetition necessary? I just say this to give you food for thought. Saying that, the rest of the chapter reads beautifully, as does chapters two and three. You are a very gifted writer with a glorious story to tell and I wish you all the best with this.
Carl
The Time hUnters

Wow, so much detail. If I had to critic, then maybe too much detail for the start of a novel (such as when Morien is walking down the path) as readers can be impatient and want a hook to commit them to the book. However, I loved it. The atmosphere you created in the beginning was strong, and you've definitely aquired a tone to the novel.
Backed =] I'll add you to my shelf for support

Hi George, Your book seems to be on the move and I can see why. It got me interested immediately! It has style, good characters and, forgive me for being old fashioned, it is well punctuated. It makes it so much easier to read.
Delighted to back your book. Best of luck. Hudson. (The Power of the Pegalore).

Dear George, I love that you shared all of these stories, putting me right there with your characters. :) Hope you'll write more. :) Your pitch was very well done. :) You created interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which made me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book. :) "When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
additional authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs." :)backed :)
Love, Susie :)