See No Ruin

This is a book written very much for teenage girls, - the talk of texting, the details of clothing and brand names, important to teenagers, and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. You have only loaded a very small sample, so events of greater significance have not yet taken place. There is a dichotomy here, sometimes the trivia of school life, written in ordinary language, and yet the pitch and the prologue are written in a different way entirely. Mostly this is well written, and there are few errors of spelling, though a typo now and then which I'll detail in a separate message. You show promise as a writer, and I wish you luck with your book. Marj.

The prologue is very weird in a positive way and gives us a good idea of what to expect later in the book when your original imagination and prose comes into play.
Your dialogue is excellent but personally,I think there was too much of it in the first and second chapters though no doubt YA would disagree. We want to get to the mystery as soon as possible.
However your writing ability is obvious. Lynn

I think it was said below, nice character development. I get her right away. But the start seems a little dry, could use some umph for my taste, but I am not every reader :). Enjoyed the read.

SEE NO RUIN
I found this an interesting story. Evelyn is an easy to like main character. I think a lot of your young adult audience will see a lot of themselves in her. The mystery of the letters in the charms is intriguing. I know you wanted to begin this by showing us Evelyn’s everyday life, but if I had a suggestion it would be to begin this with something dramatic – probably let us catch a glimmer of those words in the charms right away – to lock in your reader sooner (as they say in Hollywood, get those heads up out of that popcorn fast). Either way, you have a good story here. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

SEE NO RUIN: I really like the banter between Evelyn and Orion. You have some great teen dialogue and references. Looking forward to seeing where this one goes.

Heidi
Pearl Edda

You have defiently appealed perfectly to your choose in adience. Teenager will reall be able to relate to this.
Good Luck!
Nac

Hey Nicole, finally got over here. I read the first couple chapters and think you have a solid idea. You just need to tighten it up a bit. You seem to have fallen into the passive trap many writers do. The -ing and -ly words need to be replaced with more active verbs. Active words show us as opposed to telling us. It also puts the reader up and close and personal with the action happening. Several places you use long paragraphs. Shorten them or make them into two small ones. YA needs to keep the attention of the reader and if a teen is forced to read long para's they may put it down.

Overall, you have a really good start. Your MC is very vivid and stood out. Just go through and tighten it up a little. If you want line by line edit help, just let me know. I am shelving this for further reading.

Nice work,
Melinda

Hi Nicole,

Interesting premise. Very well written and I`m sure your target audience will love `See No Ruin` Happy to back.

Good luck,
Cerys (Gabriel)

Interesting world you've created here with a wonderful concept. The idea is very well thought through and the imagery is very vivid. You have a great imagination and this story shows it off well. Good luck.

A rather off putting prologue but a first chapter which will probably engage its teenage readers. Backed

I think you have the makings of a good YA work here. You certainly have the teenage lingo and concerns down, and I think that I like the plot you have outlined in your pitch. I say "think" because I find it a bit nebulous; the sentence which starts "The blurring of Reality from what she knew to what she never wanted to..." I find myself sort of scratching my head. Is there any way to make this more concrete, without of course, spoiling the plot? One other sentence in the prologue seemed convoluted too, the one that starts "That being, despite what I knew what..." Don't really get that sentence. I think what you're going for in both cases is a bit of mystery and headiness, but you don't want to be too vague. Aside from that, solidly written and definitely brings in characters that raise interest. Would have liked the story to get going a bit faster but you do dialogue well. Good job.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

You do teenspeak very well and with conviction. Characterisation is well developed and the friends enage the reader. Looking forward to seeing where this leads.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

This is a book written very much for teenage girls, - the talk of texting, the details of clothing and brand names, important to teenagers, and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. You have only loaded a very small sample, so events of greater significance have not yet taken place. There is a dichotomy here, sometimes the trivia of school life, written in ordinary language, and yet the pitch and the prologue are written in a different way entirely. Mostly this is well written, and there are few errors of spelling, though a typo now and then which I'll detail in a separate message. You show promise as a writer, and I wish you luck with your book. Marj.

The prologue is very weird in a positive way and gives us a good idea of what to expect later in the book when your original imagination and prose comes into play.
Your dialogue is excellent but personally,I think there was too much of it in the first and second chapters though no doubt YA would disagree. We want to get to the mystery as soon as possible.
However your writing ability is obvious. Lynn

I think it was said below, nice character development. I get her right away. But the start seems a little dry, could use some umph for my taste, but I am not every reader :). Enjoyed the read.

You have a great story here one that contains many twists and turns. Still needs a little editing in places but on the whole you do a terrific job.

That whom, despite what I knew what had to be done... sounds a tad clumsy.

Good luck
Melxxx
Impeding Justice,

This is a compeling read so far! Well crafted and lots of hooks! Backed with peasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Not my kind of read I'm afraid. I didn't find it real enough. Maybe I'll come back later and read some more when I am not so sleepy.

this is written well. it is a great idea, and story...watchlist...
read SEASONS...

I hope you will get the pic of the cover very soon and it will make your book explodes of victory.
I loved it.
Backed,
Bamboo Promise

SEE NO RUIN
I found this an interesting story. Evelyn is an easy to like main character. I think a lot of your young adult audience will see a lot of themselves in her. The mystery of the letters in the charms is intriguing. I know you wanted to begin this by showing us Evelyn’s everyday life, but if I had a suggestion it would be to begin this with something dramatic – probably let us catch a glimmer of those words in the charms right away – to lock in your reader sooner (as they say in Hollywood, get those heads up out of that popcorn fast). Either way, you have a good story here. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Welcome aboard, Nic. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch works. The long pitch needs to be broken down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. Also end it with a question so it piques the interest of your casual reader. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Dear Nicole, I love your exciting read with all of its twists - your heroine is fantastic. :) Your pitch & prologue are very well done, setting the hook.:) Your short paragraphs & lots of dialogue made me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book. :)
Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks, Susie :)

authonomy quotes:
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote.
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.
backed :)
Love, Susie :)