The Five

This is an outstanding read. I'm not a fan of prologues, but yours is compelling and managed to hook me almost immediately. The guilt she feels and the line about being one of the five served as great hooks. Once the first chapter begins, I love how close we are to Madison. We're in her thoughts, and they're well-constructed. You've done a great job of creating her and keeping her consistent. She's a genuine character that I believe readers of this genre will be able to relate to. The tension in the last page or two of the first chapter is tangible. Wow. Good work. You're also a phenomenal writer. This is a smooth, well-written read. Your use of language and sentence structure is gripping.

My only real suggestion is to trim some of the dialogue tags. There's a bit more than necessary. In this case, less is more.

Other than that, this is one of the best young adult novels I've come across on authonomy, and I plan to read more in the coming weeks. Great work!

Wow.
Thats all I can say. Wow.
Excellent story, great characterisation , breathtaking, heartbreaking, touching, emotion filled great plot!!!! You write so well, this is one of the most engrossing stories I have read on here, it's filled with such deep emotion that on numerous occasions I found myself either laughing out loud or nearly bawling my eyes out...
The different perspectives you give of each of the characters in chapters 6 and 7 also gives more depth to the character, I made assumptions about each one in the opening chapters, only to find out in these two that they were completely wrong.
Brilliant, I look forward to more chapters!

I will back this at the start of next month.

Bron
The Endless Awakening

Thank God this didn't take the Final Destination route. Instead we have a great story of coming of age and fighting the good fight. In a waythat makes you grow in ways you never thought possible. The action is good as are the characters, I'd fight alongside them but at the heart of this is a rite of passage story where with growing into an adult brings a brand new set of eyes upon the world. Excellent stuff that will appeal to all age groups.

You got my backing just for the sensory descriptive narrative at the opening (although I did wonder if all you could see was darkness how you could see the park? Me I would have changed see to sense). You have a great way in developing plot, down to the brilliant structure you have created, it makes this unique and slightly addictive read. Hope this does well – Good luck!

Wonderful pitch and engaging prologue. I'm looking forward to really getting into this! Backed.

Please check out Darklands, if you have a moment.

Donna

You've got a cool cover, a catchy title, and fast paced Kick me in the pants cool book!
In other more educated words: Very nicely done. =+}

I absolutely loved the language of this. The first chapter was so affecting. The way you put the words together and the unusual references - such as worrying about the fish. The so natural dialogue in the car really brought the family to life, and the crash was therefore all the worse. There's a lot of YA writing out there (including mine) and a lot of fantasy, so it takes an unusual voice to catch my attention. It's a great cover, too.

I like that idea about the 'gift' of migraine btw - as a sufferer I had never considered it like that! It's true that they can come with weather or pressure changes, but I'd rather be without them.

I shall now carry on and read the rest, star you as you deserve, and put you on my watchlist queue.
Cariad.

I absolutely loved the language of this. The first chapter was so affecting. The way you put the words together and the unusual references - such as worrying about the fish. The so natural dialogue in the car really brought the family to life, and the crash was therefore all the worse. There's a lot of YA writing out there (including mine) and a lot of fantasy, so it takes an unusual voice to catch my attention. It's a great cover, too.

I like that idea about the 'gift' of migraine btw - as a sufferer I had never considered it like that! It's true that they can come with weather or pressure changes, but I'd rather be without them.

I shall now carry on and read the rest, star you as you deserve, and put you on my watchlist queue.
Cariad.

- The Five -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

The storyline and narrative voice in this appealed very much to my personal taste. The themes of guilt and an attempt at isolation are things I’m interested in exploring in my own writing so I enjoyed seeing them dealt with so cleverly here. Madison’s guilt and pain at her parents’ deaths are brought out in subtle yet powerful ways, for example in the emotional grimace she goes through when referred to by the name her father used to call her.

The writing too is very clever and evocative. I liked that lips ‘quirk’, eyes curve’, and air comes in a ‘wallop’. The chapters I’ve read so far are very dramatic too and each leaves off with a feeling of portent that will drive the reader to keep turning the pages.

The only thing I wondered about was whether the subway scene followed the opening scene too closely, as, although both incidents are dealt with powerfully, they are similar in many ways so there might be a structural issue there with the arc of the story. Perhaps Madison’s initial encounter with the other kids at school could be in a separate chapter, or those relationships explored a little further before the subway scene (?) Just a thought.

Stylistically, I’d suggest looking through and seeing if as many adjectives are necessary in some passages. There do appear to be two or three in quite a few sentences and I’d imagine that clipping some would make things smoother and more polished, letting the narrative flow better. At the moment, for example, we have “The cool air settled into my solid bones,”, “I let my heart-shaped locked thud against my hollow chest,” etc.

Some typos….

Chapter one:
-I worried for the fishes…. (should be ‘fish’)
-On my dads’ shoulder….

Chapter two:
-The locket sat safety.
-The teacher was young in her late twenties and already had…. (should be ‘The teacher was young, in her late twenties, and already had…’)

Chapter three:
-“Madison.” I couldn’t stay the name.

I did enjoy this a lot and found the writing very powerful. The author states that no editing has been done yet and that is the only reason why it’s not sitting on my shelf right now. In general, I will only back what is finished so that the author can fine tune their manuscript before getting distracted by the business of the charts. But as soon as edits have been carried out, the author can let me know and I’ll be happy to back. It is an excellent read and fully deserving of making serious headway.

Amazing first 2 chapters. All I have time to read right now, but I'll definitely be back. I can tell I'll be thinking about this book and its main character all day today. Thank you for submitting this for us to read - I feel like I've been given a sneak peek to a really cool movie.
Ok, I'm back. I've read it all - the only thing I would change is the fight scene. I know it's critical, but it seems a little drawn out and vague. I think I would reduce the # of bad guys in the fight and use more specifics - like when you wrote about them cracking that guy's nose and how the whole park could hear it. I like the wise-cracking and insight into the characters' thoughts in the park. I also like the use of lingo teens use today - Blondie might be a bit dated, though. A couple too many references to "oceans" .
Definitely enjoyed reading this book selection and hope you upload more. If you have some time, I'd appreciate you reading "Snapshots From Hell and Other Travel Spots". Thank you in advance!

Delightfully morbid! And finally someone with respect for the "Young Adult" genre.

Well done! You have a talent of capturing the true voice of your character and bringing her to life. The reader instantly feels a connection to her and that's the hook that gets young people to read!

Arlene

Star rated too! :)

Your beginning is filled with anticipation and emotion that, for me, as a reader was enough to keep me reading further. Very good beginning! Strong character building, useful information to lead the reader forward, answering questions, yet creating more, wanting to figure out how they die. Once we reach chapter two, your beginning is explanatory there as well, helping us along in the read, answering questions, building more.

But you seem to rerun much of the same dialogue and background over and over again. I think you could sum it up and be a much stronger read and a stronger second chapter. Maybe summarize the event. I don’t know how. Just a thought only. What do I know? You’re great!

The description of high school is good, can feel the tension and hierarchy going on. People can relate. I will be back to read more since I think you are a gifted storyteller and express yourself well. I encourage you to continue writing books because I think you have a talent that could take you far! Good job Madds! I'm impressed!

Ellise ;)
~The Governess~

There's something so refreshing about this book, and I can't quite put my finger on what it is. Part of it is I have no idea where it's going, which is SO rare today, in YA especially.

This is an outstanding read. I'm not a fan of prologues, but yours is compelling and managed to hook me almost immediately. The guilt she feels and the line about being one of the five served as great hooks. Once the first chapter begins, I love how close we are to Madison. We're in her thoughts, and they're well-constructed. You've done a great job of creating her and keeping her consistent. She's a genuine character that I believe readers of this genre will be able to relate to. The tension in the last page or two of the first chapter is tangible. Wow. Good work. You're also a phenomenal writer. This is a smooth, well-written read. Your use of language and sentence structure is gripping.

My only real suggestion is to trim some of the dialogue tags. There's a bit more than necessary. In this case, less is more.

Other than that, this is one of the best young adult novels I've come across on authonomy, and I plan to read more in the coming weeks. Great work!

Intense. I can feel Madison's despair, her hollowness after the car crash. Well done.

Backed.

DW (River Dream)

Intense. I can feel Madison's despair, her hollowness after the car crash. Well done.

Backed.

DW (River Dream)

Hi Rebecca

You have a fantastic cover, it's what drew me to the book, and your pitch is also really good. YA isn't my kind of read, but I liked this. I can't quite place my finger on why, not a criticism to you in anyway. I think it was the tone, there was something about it that pulled me on. You have a great storyline, and I like your writing.

The only things I would say, is that you have an awful lot of 'had' in there. I had the same problem, and I think you could easily weed out at least 30% of them, just by removing completely or changing it to something else. Also, for some unknown reason, I found CH2 quite difficult to read, it didn't feel as polished as the rest.

But still, this was a nice read. I've highly starred. Good luck with this.

Silva

I will wait for more :)
Love everything so far

Very intriguing prologue! I’m going to have to come back and finish reading this when I get the chance and I look forward to seeing where you go with this.

Wow.
Thats all I can say. Wow.
Excellent story, great characterisation , breathtaking, heartbreaking, touching, emotion filled great plot!!!! You write so well, this is one of the most engrossing stories I have read on here, it's filled with such deep emotion that on numerous occasions I found myself either laughing out loud or nearly bawling my eyes out...
The different perspectives you give of each of the characters in chapters 6 and 7 also gives more depth to the character, I made assumptions about each one in the opening chapters, only to find out in these two that they were completely wrong.
Brilliant, I look forward to more chapters!

I will back this at the start of next month.

Bron
The Endless Awakening

This is well written, lovely imagery, I was pulled right into the drama with the prologue. You very vividly portray a sense of isolation and insulation of Madison, I'm looking forward to reading on. Good luck with this. Katherine Strata

I've read the first two chapters and got hooked. I true hidden gem. I also love the cover brilliant. I have rated highly and plan on coming back to read more.
Red

This is the first book on this site that I couldn't stop reading. Definitely backed.

Rebbeca,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a lyrical voice, filled with longing, the kind a narrator makes when he wants to communicate loss.

......and that you do....

There is also the existential lingo used to express that loss; a bit of Camus, Sartre, etc....

Finally, the flashbacks made of lyrical remembrances that float quite nicely


Some of my favorites:

"whispering apologies"

"building me for a moment"

"I remember every sound....."
That flashback in ch 2 is your personal best: wonderfully lyrical, with a voice that has longing without falling into existential blankness

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

"scared, terrified" "utter loneliness" "blood and guilt"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he used body language to describes...the reader feels

"warm shadows" "greedy fingers" "dead blue eyes"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

I am in love with the way you write!!! Every word is carefully placed, efficient and poetic at the same time. You are able to convey so much with so few words. Such a pleasure to read! Bryant Kearney - THE MILLSTONE

Have 6 starred this and added to our WL which means you WILL make our shelf in the next (+3) round of backings (its 11pm for us). Check our comments trail if u want to confirm this and do feel free to chase at ANY TIME to know exactly how long till ur going up...

A good start with the prologue and chapter 1. Madison's depression is easily understandable with the death of her parents. The snippet of the past through Madison's recollection gives me the impression that she didn't kill them, but is instead blaming herself because they may having died taking her somewhere. You represent her pain well, the way in which she blames herself is realistic, although it won't be her fault. I like the introduction of the two girls, the one in the subway will be one of the 5. I don't know what the "goddess" girl is going to be in your story, but she's interesting, and I like this desription of her: "A perfect human, at least Hitler would say so."

The use of the locket also interests me. Does it have some connection to her parents, or is it mystical? Anyway, things to catch your intended audience's attention. Well done - Marita.

Beautifully written and endearing story. Backed with pleasure.
Laurence (Winchester) Howard, The Cross of Goa

I llike the story line but I think you repeat a lot of words. Like,gym, and numb...ect. I find the same word two or three times in a paragraph somtimes.... um Your begining is good.... I have made it through chpt 4 and I have to say i will keep reading...but I would go back through and look at a few of your tenses. Somtimes it works and then other times not so much...mainly in chpt 3. You do a good job of speaking through your characters eyes and in the moment but watch talking, if your in the here and now, you dont want to talk like you are speaking of yesterdays events or something that already happened.
Will comment more..
K N Gee
Queen of Shadows- rise of power

Passionate writing, very powerful. Great read.

Suz

okay chpt 3, when ur talking about the "drain" i think you need faucet or somthing other then drain,it makes me think going down the drain not coming out of the drain ....
will comment more as i read

Hmm…the first chapter starts off with a cracker, absorbing, good old intrigue. The 3rd chapter starts almost identically, and I immediately though the angst is overdone. There is some over-writing - "I got out of the shower and wrapped the towel around my wet body… " We know she's wet. Lots of that sort of thing and it slows your story down. A good, brutal edit will inject a lot of pace into your writing, in my humble opinion. I like the premise, and think this could be a winner. Backed for potential The Tails of Willie Gusty

A great MC drew me straight in. I think you are spot on for your audience and it should find you romping up the charts. Your characters are good and strong yet you make a good defined difference between each one. It was a bit slow in places but I pushed on as the premise was strong enough to drive it for ward. Happily backed

Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley – I hope you enjoy it

Your pitch is great, and the first couple of chapters draw the reader into the story. Looking good at this point; good luck with this. Shelved.

Leigh
If you have time, please consider reading "Lies That Bind" and backing if appropriate. Thanks!

This is very good stuff, hard-hitting. I think I'd drop the romance tag under your genre listings. You've got a hard-boiled paranormal fantasy here, and I'd buy this book or go see the film. What a combination: The subway crash in NYC sparks memories of 9/11. What a cathartic ride we have here, five reluctant female heroines confused by the darkness they've never known prior to the crash. The crash bonds them and brings them into dangerous territory. Great writing, a true joy to read.

Memphisgirl
Ashes By Now

Backed based on the pitch. Sound like Final Destination with blessings, not curses. Please check out my book "Crazy"

Rebecca,
The Five has an intriguing synopsis and I love what you've uploaded so far. Stories about survival are always compelling to me and your writing style is enthralling. Backed with pleasure.

The premise is strong; the pace is steady and characterizations compelling
You are a very good writer my friend and I wish you the best.
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

brilliant adventure. likable characters and effective writting style...on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

The five
It's well done and enjoyable to read
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Your opening line hooked me. This is an exciting, edgy fantasy story with fascinating characters. Wonderful imagery. Crisp dialogue. Intense, evocative narrative. Backed.

You have an easy read here! No difficulty had to enjoy! I love the idea of 5 girls past pains becoming something bonding... and strengthening. Backed without a second thought!
Carrie
The Darkwood Tales; Demouri's Defeat

I think that the prologue is one of the most useful I have read on this site; and I usually find them pointless. Yours is defined and pointed, an excellent hook. It is highly enticing.

Chapter one has an absolutely superb first line, a grabber of the attention, most definitely.

Further on I would suggest that "..every inch of the fog" is clumsy, it seems to be wrong in descriptive sense- perhaps something more like the simple "cloying fog"?

Also, "the four figures were quiet, not even making a noise." is a repetition and redundant; but then you throw in "...,digging their daggers into your soul" which is pure poetry in prose. A wonderful voice.

I think that the YA would enjoy this and believe me, as an English teacher and father of four I am qualified to say that.

Overall, you have the central core of a fantastic book here and there are flashes of absolute sparkling talent in your use of language. Some simple editing and a cold read by somebody you trust would put this up there with the best. An excellent effort and as good as the rest of us because we all need those continuous edits and friends who tell the truth.

BACKED happily.

Okay, so you hooked me on your one-liner, paragraph, and even your prologue. I thought your prologue read very well and even poetic. I understood that Chapter 1 was a dream, but it was awfully dramatic and a little confusing. I caught a lot of grammatical errors that others have picked up on in other comments. You may even consider combining the prologue with the dream sequence to get into the story faster, so the reader knows what's going on. This is a great start though and I wish you the best of luck with it. Backed, because I think you have a strong idea, voice, and a really good hook. Christian Rogue(Wings of the Heart)

I love this story. It is very well written and I like the fact that you wrote it in the first person. Had you not done that, the story would not be as compelling and we wouldn't feel Maddie's confusion as we do. I am not sure that the Prologue is needed in this case, but if you feel like you need to do it, then you may have to develop it more, so that we understand what she is talking about, at least one page. Personally, I would combine it with chapter one and then make a separator (* * *) to more us to the second paragraph (current chapter1). If you do that you may have to start the current paragraph of chapter one differently, to take us back...

I love this story. It is very well written and I like the fact that you wrote it in the first person. Had you not done that, the story would not be as compelling and we wouldn't feel Maddie's confusion and confliction as we do. I am not sure that the Prologue is needed in this case, but if you feel like you need to do it, then you may have to develop it more, so that we understand what she is talking about, at least one page. Personally, I would combine it with chapter one and then make a separator (* * *) to more us to the second paragraph (current chapter1). If you do that you may have to start the current paragraph of chapter one differently, to take us back...

Hi Rebecca,

Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you on the read swap.
You have a very unique plot here I can see it really appealing to YA. You have a great way of visual description, I could almost see what I was reading. I felt very much pulled into Maddie’s story, especially in chapter one. In the prologue there was a slight repetition with the ‘common scars’ thing you might want to maybe revisit that, and I’d say the book needs a bit of editing here and there, but nothing major. That aside you are definitely onto a winner here!
Backed.
Sam (Fallacy)

Rebecca,

Don't know if it is the heat ...but i just couldn't get into this I have read the first 3 chapters and still am not sure what it is about....sorry

Diane

Hi Rebecca,

I loved this! This is a powerful amazing story, the pitch grabbed me right away and when I was reading chapter one I couldn't stop reading! great work! I will add more comments when I go back to read more.
Backed with pleasure! Good luck. I'm excited to read more!

Melissa
The Guardian and the Book of Souls

Hi Rebecca. I like the concept of your story. The opening was very well described and you built the atmosphere really well. I thought it ended on an intriguing note, in the way she was running from herself. Backed and hope you do well with this! Maria (Cosmic Linx)

Hi
This is an interesting story. I feel it would benefit from an edit to make it shine. There is a bit of overwriting here.
e.g. 'My eyes glanced around and to see I was in a park with trees and branches.' Try... I glanced around and saw I was in a wooded area. This way we assume she glances with her eyes. She can't assume she's in a park if she doesn't know where she is so a wooded area is a more useful description. I hope this helps.
Use or discard my suggestions as you see fit. It's your story.
A return read and comment would be appreciated.
cheers olga

THE FIVE: Intriguing premise. Excellent writing. Can't wait to see why Madison is running from herself.

Heidi
Pearl Edda

This should appeal to its YA fantasy audience. Backed and good luck.
Tony (Sirocco Express)