Alpha Male

Calvin is a walking nightmare. Bev is easy to like and I do hope she doesn't get harmed by Calvin. You tell this story in an unusual manner. Not a boring word to be found.

This is an excellent pitch. I like the shortness of it, drawing the reader in for more. Unfortunately, I can't read scary, creepy stories because I get nightmares. So I'll have to back you on the strength of the pitch alone!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe
Would you consider backing MEMORIES OF GLORY? I thank you for taking a look.

This looks like a pretty fun murder-mystery type book. I have only read a bit at this point, but think it has a lot of promise. Your description of the setting in the second paragraph is good, but I think it would help if you fleshed it out a little more. I just like to read books where I feel well situated in the beginning is all. Other than that, it looks great and best of luck!

Best Wishes,
Ian Kraft
(The Freel of Streel)

Alpha Male
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a ne leaf)

I've read the first two chapters and skimmed the third. Well done! Settings are nicely evoked with well placed details, events set in motion decisively on two fronts, and characters, rounded and real, ready to clash in a contest bound to produce plenty of excitement.

Shelved.

Bill

You have a way of getting to the point and staying with it. Calvins seem to have a way being of being creepy in novels. Backed

Benjamin Dancer
Fidelity

This was such an exciting read for me. Loved it! Backed!!

Melissa Nielsen
The Guardian and the Book of Souls

This starts creepy and gets worse! Wish I had more to say, but I have no advice, no corrections... I like it. Backed.

Lola -

Damn, what a gripping story. Literally couldn't put Alpha Male down.

Backed, happily.

Best of luck here. And I would love it if you could take a look at my book. Three women careening across the country in a huge RV, fueled by gallons of Chardonnay and looking for the perfect place to plant the body of one of their boyfriends, who's riding with them, stuck in the freezer. Who knew manslaughter could be such a damn hoot?

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

ALPHA MALE by Lola Klein

Lola - Magnetic prose and richly palatable paragraphs pulled me in swifty and seduced me to your beguiling line of thought. Just the approach I need for the perfect murder I have been planning for some time. Bev is the ideal accomplice; she has all the skills. A proven track record too. Suitably cloned in sufficient numbers, her cadre's progress would lead to prisons closing en masse. Sadly, she would have to go: far to clever for her own good and a clear threat to my survival after each murderous event. Brilliant forensic elan drives the 3 Chapters posted. I have in mind social acceptable killing; a service to the community - that sort of thing - just like Bev. Cruel, raw, calculating observation abounds in this entrancing thriller. Backed.

Tony Brady - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1,2 & 3.

surreal, man, almost supernatural serial killer stuff: loved it, well done on the setting research, came across MOST vividly. Backed by Brammers, The Kingdom Within

Chilling reading but the type of book I like. Backed. Tania, This Last Summer

hullo Lola. Nothing like a competent killer, i always say. But, the cigarette was a mistake, he should have known better. and I wonder about the autopsy. In the States we have so much chemical stuff going on that a drug screen would have done immediately on a suspected suicide. Very good start, I read all three chapters. also the stuff about the idenity change is good.I did find one place where you might want to make a correction. "Yeah, I know I'M ALL SHE'S GOT, aren't I? Other than that you have a great start. People always seem to like a killer. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

This is defintely the kind of book that is enjoyable but also makes you think. You tackle some tough subjects in here and you do it with tact. I love Bev, I think a lot of readers are going to also, she's got that personality that makes her stand out as a main character. The writing style is great, nice flow and engaging dialogue. I'm very happy I found this, it's going to stick with me.

Missy

Hi Lola, What a soukld searching novel..Why do people committ suicide? Selfish yes? Well written, thought provoking questions. I Back the book. Harold Alvin(ICON)Wesley

Bev is a great character with a dry, self-depreciating humour, 'the lottery odds were better'. Her mind does tend to wander though, as does her tongue. Nice authentic-sounding details of R and D Security cases, and Duffy's ex-cop practicality. I'm wondering about the taxi driver; that's a good thing if the reader is already speculating. Ah, no, maybe it's the sudden death one... Bev certainly has a past full of tragedy. She and Duffy both seem familiar characters, and I wonder if your previous book was the prequel to this.

The plot sounds riveting and the writing is as full of talent as I'd expect from a gold star winner. The prologue, however, seems a mixture of crime novel and travelogue. It might be more natural if the scenes were viewed through Calvin's POV (who would certainly see things very differently 'it meant nothing to him') rather than be described by a distant narrator, i.e. much as in chapter 1, where the POVs are much tighter.

Putting this on my shelf.

Possible nits: 'and[,] walking swiftly to the window[,] looked'. I'm not sure that the question of dark diminishing vs light increasing adds anything to the story at this very early stage. I'd also be inclined to delete 'like an uncertain suitor peeking from the shadows'. 'he said aloud, speaking for', partly redundant. 'all this crap," Duffy [he] growled'. Watch out for clusters of looked, looking, look, early on. There are some quite long paragraphs throughout.

lpha Male

Lola Klein

Where do we come from? What are we? Where are we going? Interesting questions! I love this opening quote. Strong storyline from your pitches and the writing is good. Some really nice sentences to enjoy -
"He felt calm, indolent as a Sunday afternoon in high summer." I like your MC Bev. Easy to identify with. "Follow my nose?" I'll have to come back later and follow this story some more when time permits. Happy to have backed it and all the best in getting it published.

I really liked this! great read. Backed!

Hi Lola,

This is a compelling story. I love the concept and have enjoyed what I’ve read so far. Good characterisation and believable dialogue.

Chap 1.
‘Hang on a minute,’ he rumbled(.) ‘Either Bev…’ I replaced the comma with a period as you started the second part of the dialogue with a capital E.

Very well written.

Shinzy :)

Lola, I have read what you have posted and I believe that the story is a good one and that it is well written. I loved the passive he said, she said interview that Bev conducts with Niel and Jenny in chapter two as the parents continue to explore a relatiionship that both want but neither is sure of. It rings true. I do believe that the format would be better served if there was less abruptness in the transitions between Calvin segments and those involving Bev. Nothing drastic such as additional chapters but a line or a starred divider would be good when scenes change. I do that as I also write longer chapters than some but it is an individual decision.

Your writing is good. RT

Dear Lola,

Your title and pitch led me to read the book, which proved to be horribly good. Though you've only posted three chapters, I had no doubt that you'd develop enough narrative to fill a novel, since serial killers can always find a new victim when the action lags. The writing is strong, with excellent characterization, vivid description, and a bland treatment of evildoing that seems original. You might want to break up your longer paragraphs. My overall impression: "Alpha Male" will be a winner.

Please take a look at my novel "The Doctor of Summitville." I cries out for readers.

Best of luck, Bill

Hi Lola, The violence of Calvin made me blink at the beginning. And then the narrator voice gave such a good scenic tour of the French region while he coldly plans to leave for England. This was very suspenseful and then the bits of information about his prison time began to fill out in that same leading way. Bev’s coming in was a relief and the plot entanglement is subtly approached. A simmering page-turner! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Used the girl's discarded underwear to wipe the blade - chilling and striking image. You've got a talent here. The first paragraphs rocket along with a clear and dynamic sense of place and character, hooking me into the story and the murderer's weird world.
many of the watchers would like to fuck the girl, but only he ... is yet another brilliant line.
There are so many striking elements to your writing. You've got talent (& if you want to know whether that's empty praise, take a look at some of the comments I left on other people's work!).
Fresh and I should have thought it would scream out at an agent.
On a purely technical point, I wonder if you could break this up into shorter chapters to make this easier to read!
Melanie Kendry The Boy Time Forgot

Lola, your pitch is amazing. If I were in a bookstore, I would buy your book on the strength of your pitch.
Congratulations. Backed with pleasure
Helen

What a great story this is. Personally, I am a great believer in prologues and yours works really well. I do, however, think it feels rather long for a prologue and would certainly consider making this a first chapter. Also, consider breaking some of your paragraphs into more bite-sized chunks to aid accessibility. the paragraph that starts 'What is it?' Bev enquired just seemed to go on for ages. The fact is, you are an excellent craftsman and your descriptions are rich and vivid. Calvin is just the most powerful character and I would love to see this do well here.
Carl
The Time HUnters

Got me in right at the start and never let me go, super! You'll get a lot of negative feedback on your Prologue - they're not in vogue - but I thought yours worked....and I have one too.
Backed with pleasure. Good Luck.
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book.

gripping from the start, your character calvin is just great, he is just pure evil, i love it, its a great read.
backed

alison

gripping from the start, your character calvin is just great, he is just pure evil, i love it, its a great read.
backed

alison

Lola,
Love Calvin the artist and your descriptive prose to describe such beauty that surrounds the ugliness that is your evil, evil villian. Will be a engaging, entertaining read. Chris says "I'm she's all got, aren't I?" Think you mean ..all she's got, aren't I?" Fine writing. Backed. CW (To Save the Sun)

The almighty first sentence of a story MUST grab the reader’s imagination. Your chilling first words certainly accomplished that! That Calvin “loved them (his victims) most of all” set the hook deep into the bone. As the story continues we are inexorably drawn into Calvin’s world, one without the moral boundaries that are standard-issue to most of us. The scenes are richly drawn and the prose flows so smoothly across the page as to quickly become invisible—story and characters quickly take over, as they should. I am deeply impressed with your writing style and encourage you to finish this compelling story. I’m proud to be one of your backers.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Semi-Finalist)

You have created a deep, dark and rich character in Calvin. Your prologue sets the tone for your story perfectly and your imagination and descriptive writing style does the rest. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Hi Lola
A fascinating plot. Strong characters and some really visual writing. At times I thought you could delete some of the desriptive stuff to help the story flow quicker given the genre, but overall it is compelling stuff.
DP Walker
Five Dares

A brilliant start. I hate Prologues but yours had me at go with that mad opening.

Breathtaking! Strong writing and masterful characterisation. Backed.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm

Lola -

Alpha Male - A breath of fresh air, brilliant writing, the kind I would follow anywhere. Kevin with his obsessional quirks is a riveting character on a killing mission. Bev, too, is well drawn, and things are brewing up, so the story becomes irresistable. But most of all I enjoy the writing, intelligent, subtle, poetic, it's an experience.

Backed yesterday. Pia (Course of Mirrors)

WHAT A HORRENDOUSLY CREEPY START AND THAT’S THE FIRST PARAGRAPH!
You have a masterful touch with characterisation, I love character driven books and yours is up there with the best!
This has everything to be a great success. – Good luck!

Hooked right from the start, I liked the pace very much and the building of tension. Best of luck with it I know you will do very well. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Well written and scary, though quite slow paced. I'd be interested to see how it speeds up, if it does, in later chapters.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Hi Lola,
I like this a lot, not only do I like detective thrillers, I am really into serial killers so as far as I'm concerned - all boxes ticked!

Backed

Phil
Danny Murphy

Hi Lola,
some very good writing here and I really enjoyed the first two chapters. The killer is really scary; more so because he's so normal and eloquent on the surface but is so dangerous, just below it. I had no problem with the pace. i thought it built slowly but that's half the fun of a good thriller.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

I love a serial killer that can hold a decent conversation and appear so normal and rational. Although Freddy and Jason might be fun, the normality of aa serial killer is terrifying. You give him a custard cream to dunk in his tea, next minute, he's hitting you with the teapot. This is good stuff here and the clever one to one negagement between heroine and villain focuses the relationship between the two and makes the threat more immediate. Excellent.

I found it well written and technically sound. The highly intelligent psycho killer who stalks his prey is a little familiar, not that I know excactly what he's about at the moment but still, this kind of opening is one of the most popular on the site, something to be aware of. It reads fine but nothing about him feels particularly novel. A matter of opinion though.

Bev's introduction is engaging but a little long. The pace was a little slow for me and some of the paragraphs could do with breaking up. On a purely practical note it gets tiring to read such large chunks of continuous text.

You get a lot of info across in the first chapter, possibly too much at this stage. I did start to feel like I wanted you to get on with it. Overall though it reads quite well and has a nice flow to it. Backed.

Oh, I'm going to read slolwy the few chapters you have uploaded here. I don't want to finish too soon only to be left hanging. Now that I know there are only two chapters after the prologue and Ch.1, both of which I just consumed, I'm going to sink into each one of your words.

This is sinister and startling and sensational. Ah yes, how I do love vividly dark and harrowing literature, where the language itself serves as a primary character. The narration is brilliant. It is obvious why this book is skyrocketing up the charts in so short a time period.

Evil. Beautiful. Backed!

Best,

G
Notes on an Orange Burial (a tragicomedy)

Excellent premise. It gripped me right from the start. Vivid descriptions made this incredibly believable, and this was supported by some excellent characterisation. Bev, in particular, I found to be three-dimensional and superb (not that the others weren't, but she stood out to me.)

Fantastic work, and backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

The pitch sucked me in and the writing kept me here! What an imaginative book. You have strong characters and a good sense for detail. You lay it out from the opening paragraph and hold the reader's interest until the very end. Good luck with your book, I'm sure it will bring you much success.

D.E. LaRiviere (AKA Milo Saint) Six of One/The Hand of Cain

ALPHA MALE
I liked this story. Bev is a good character because of the way she discovered her father dead. The beginning is creepy; Calvin is obviously not a man to fool with. The whole idea of the apparent suicides is good plotting. Makes this a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

They say don't have a prologue. In this case they're wrong. They say the opening para. decides a book's success. I'd say yours is assured.
Calvin is terrifying and utterly plausible - perhaps that's why. Your descriptions and scene-setting are gorgeous. There are few thrillers on or off this site which engross me. I read the same authors repeatedly. I hope you get published quickly so I can start on yours. Backed. lynn

Lola,

You've been here before? Funny, I'd have expected to recognise such a distinctive voice.

I like your short pitch, has me thinking of Elvis Costello.

The long pitch has all the ingriedients, but could probably do with a tidy up (for example, it took me to the end to be sure that Bev was a woman. Breaking it into paragraphs might help too.

So, into the story. First thing that strikes me are the numbers in the prologue, I think I'd like to see these spelt out, apart from convention I feel the numbers would have more impact that way.

The viewpoint here seems mixed, at times it's quite close--and then becomes more distant (for example, when he's refered to as the watcher).

The long paragraph where we realise a body is in the room is very effective, especially the details about the razor, but then comes something of an info-dump about the setting.

There are nice details--like the flock of birds plunging--but it feels like an aside to the story, not a part of it.

Some great quotes running through this, by the way.

The R&D staff meeting is well done, but you do swap from Bev's point of view to Duffy's and back again.

You know, as I read this I feel I've read something similar before.

The paragraph dealing with Calvin's new passport is--shall we say--a trifle long and could easily be broken up.

Chapter two flows much better for mine--both the Bev scenes and the Calvin scenes.

Chapter three--not sure what a TIR seal is, might just be me.

But Bev's scenes in this chapter flowed well. In the Calvin scenes, though I felt that again there was perhaps a tad too much of the info-dump.

Anyway, I've come to the end now. There aren't many women writing this sort of dark crime fiction, but I feel that your feminine voice adds a certain something to this work.

I'm off for a cherry cola, but stick with this one, it's worth it and I'm shelving it.

loved the pitch will read more on WL
backed
Anba
L.O.V.E

Dear Lola,

I have backed your book because the pitch hooked me, read a couple of chapters and enjoyed them.

How much more I read and comment will depend on time and workload.

Enjoy everything.

MM
Psychiatric Evaluation