Book Jacket

 

rank 2350
word count 129259
date submitted 16.06.2010
date updated 22.09.2010
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult
classification: moderate
complete

The Joiner

Von Schnee

Our roots extend deeper than the soil upon which we tread. A peculiar talisman imparts this lesson to a fatherless boy and watches him grow.

 

The agents of change that color a life and steer a destiny are governed by things greater than that which can be touched, seen or smelt, but though their esoteric orchestrators may reside in far-off places, the agents themselves are tied intrinsically to the natural world.

The life and destiny of a young man, Nile Sendeross, is suddenly and irretrievably altered when he willingly takes possession of a singular charm.

Through a series of unusual and unsettling experiences that both frighten and entice, he learns that while some influences can be classified as internal, and some as external, there are those which can be both at the same time.

Fatherless since he was a small child, Nile’s world becomes larger and stranger than he ever thought possible when a wizard named Phaegnon finds him unconscious in a field, a stone’s throw from the site of a bloodbath of the boy’s own making.

Against the backdrop of a world on the verge of plunging into genocidal warfare, a trepidacious Nile takes his first steps towards understanding the power of the talisman he possesses, the depth and antiquity of its roots, and what it means to be The Joiner.

 
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tags

amulet, antiquity, charm, dark, destiny, evil, fantasy, fatherless, giants, good, humor, light, magic, odd, roots, strange, talisman, trees, wizard

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63 comments

 

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M.A. Anderson wrote 613 days ago

A gripping, well-crafted tale. Well rounded characters who show honest emotion. Great dialogue and character interaction. Excellent, intriguing plot that takes the reader on a compelling journey. BACKED.

JD Revene wrote 614 days ago

Excellent start. Some of the best fantasy I've seen here in a while. Backed.

Suzalex wrote 617 days ago

Great story . . . nice touch making the female the heroine. Well written.

Suz

Eunice Attwood wrote 618 days ago

I could tell by the first chapter just how talented you were. Great imagery, well crafted and a wonderful fantasy.
Many twist and turns make this an exciting adventure. Backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Herschel Shirley wrote 618 days ago

Very exciting beginning. I enjoyed it immensely. A good fantasy underway. The hatred between the brother and his kin was unexpected. A good hook. Well written. Backed.

CarolinaAl wrote 619 days ago

A gripping journey filled with surprises. Well-crafted characters with real emotions. Splintered lives. Excellent dialogue and narrative. Intriguing storyline. Lucid writing. Backed.

eurodan49 wrote 621 days ago

I like a book which tells me from start what, where and when. You set the stage aptly…and that’s a big.
Narration flows well and while you still use a little too much “telling” I still get a fair “showing.” Dialogue flows natural. Good job. As reader deals with foreign names, try holding it to a minimum or risk confusing reader. Take out the names which are not important or won’t show up again. If it’s an important character or location, a little more description won’t hurt. Reader loves to “picture” who’s doing what. You sure offer lots of bloody action and YA readers should love it. Look up for repeats, like his tunic being soaked in blood in both battles, the plunging of dagger (3 times) and take out some adjectives and adverbs (there are too many and slow down the pace).
Good job, over all and I’m backing it.

Chipper10 wrote 642 days ago

liked the style of the writing and storytelling. Backed.

I invite you to read or comment on The Rebel

God Bless,
Chipper

Azam Gill wrote 642 days ago

The Joiner.

An unsettling delight of destiny and mysticism, a legitimate child of imagination, controlled story-telling, and a grasp of the two extremes in human nature.

Backed.

Azam Gill
“Blasphemy!”

paperbat wrote 646 days ago

You really bring Nile to life. Love the start. Backing the book when I have unloaded the next couple of chapters to read tomorrow.
Jerry [paperbats] If you know of any children, then they may like to read my paperbats adventures.

K A Smith wrote 650 days ago

Pleasure, VS. It has enough to set it apart from the pack, which is good, and I think you have what it takes. I hope you're working on the next book. KA,

K A Smith wrote 650 days ago

This is good stuff, stirring, readable, muscular writing. Enough of a difference to carve, or possibly hack, out it's own niche. It certainly seems publishable to me, good luck. KA.

J. Moore wrote 651 days ago

Great fantasy read! Tight, concise writing that moves right along. Good pitch and great story. Backed.

Su Dan wrote 653 days ago

this could be a real hit. a real epic...very readable adventure...on my watchlist...
read SEASONS

Rosemary Peel wrote 653 days ago

Your pitches drew me in and your writing compelled me to stay. I thoroughly enjoyed the read, which as your genre is fantasy, is something of a compliment from me. Normally I fight shy of such themes. While both characters and plot are totally original, they are none the less, believable. Backed with pleasure.

Wilma1 wrote 656 days ago

Firstly I must congratulate you on your pitches the short pitch is quite stunning the long just as good. If this were on a real bookshelf I would be walking it to the checkout without even opening the book itself. The read that followed did not let you down. Your descriptive is superb from the Fullmen to – a potato faced man you give us something exacting. This is written by a highly skilled craftsman and is sure to do well



Wilma1

Knowing Liam Riley

TalulaJane wrote 657 days ago

Definitely a great fantasy read! I like the idea of the Fullmen. I think I might be showing stupidity here but, what is a hart? Oh hell, I love it anyway!
Carrie
The Darkwood Tales; Demouri's Defeat

Lara wrote 657 days ago

I'm not a reader of fantasy normally but your title spoke so many possiblities for me then you began your first chapter putting us clearly in the scene and culture of your book. So far, the fantasies I've read have not done this and I have been irritated by strange names, magical incidents and no prior setting. so well done, and continuing into this long book I can see you have written thoughtfully and well.
Backed
Lara
Good for Him

Jack Hughes wrote 658 days ago

A fabulous roller-coaster of a story. Magical, filled with great characters and a marvellous plot. Backed with pleasure, best of luck.

Jack Hughes
Dawn of Shadows

RonCoffman wrote 658 days ago

Great use of the archetype Mentor/Student and Talisman. Uniquely written. Like the introduction and character development.

Backed

Ron Coffman - DRAGON'S LIGHT

lizjrnm wrote 660 days ago

This is a very engaging and visceral read! Well done and thanks for uploading all of your novel so I can return to read more! Backed!

Liz
The Cheech Room

amanda.grice wrote 663 days ago

Von,
After reading your pitch, I had to read on and I'm glad I did. Your writing style is very poetic and intelligent, though still easy to follow and understand. It's definitely right up my alley and I've backed it with pleasure; I'm interested in reading on, which is always a pleasant surprise! The dialogue flows nicely and your descriptions make me feel like I'm right there with Nile staring up through the forest canopy to the sky. Great job; this is definitely a winner!

Amanda
The Awakening

Esrevinu wrote 663 days ago

Von, I loved your writing style, it is refreshing to see boundaries pushed and archaic norms in writing challenged...You are a great story teller and your strong suite, in my opinion, is descriptive writing--you excel with a vivid imagination, it brings the story alive and breaths air into the characters, best wishes to you.

Scott
Esrevinu

RebeccaT wrote 664 days ago

Chapter 89
A cardinal is a red bird isn't it, it must be quite large to carry a scroll, and as it has talons it must be a bird of prey, or is that pray? (Monastery - get it?)

RebeccaT wrote 664 days ago

You asked me for another comment, so here goes. (I hate doing this)

Tell me what you think?

You are talking about a boy who loves the smell of pine needles.

You could say-.

He loved the smell of pine needles. Pine trees grew in abundance in and around his town, Ninhagen.

or you could edit your first two paragraphs so-.

The forest was always an escape and the boy was partial to the scent of pines, it was a scent that could awaken even the most preoccupied head.

The town of Ninhagen, where the boy lived, had a host of pines amongst its buildings, a virtual sea of them formed a good deal of its outskirts, and it was the pines near Wood’s Edge that he especially liked. These were…

The rest is better…

But it gets worse…

Is Northern Pines (the northern pines = trees.) a place, you keep mentioning it/them, are they important to the story?

You mention a creek, why?

Brevity - "The second pertained to the Northern Pines COMMA which he…"

There follows a narrative that sounds like nature lesson.

The boy has disappeared, is this about the boy or pine trees?

What is a Zephacrym, did you find this word in Kelvert’s library, is it a gargoyle?

Back to the boy riding upon his pony beneath a great beam of sunshine.

He meets a wizard, who has a sister (ducked QUICKLY out of sight?)

Could he smell the scones etc? Gazed, not GAZING: So the boy’s name is Nile!

If somebody asked you the way to the subway from where you work or live, telling you he was word-blind and in a hurry, how would you describe the way, which is complicated, but you know every building along the way?

You wouldn’t fill his mind with unnecessary details would you? You wouldn’t use any unnecessary adverbs or adjectives either. You would tell him as concisely as possible, just the important details.

Why the ellipses all the time, are you afraid of commas or is that a “pondial” thing? It disturbs me, the reader, it breaks up the flow, so get rid of them – they are of no use.

(Pondial -USA – pond/Atlantic – UK)

Too many words, much too many. You meander like an Amazonian river. Take short cuts, get there sooner, get to the point, don’t bore the reader with trivia.

It is dull, keep at it til’ it shines.

You will succeed, because you want to.

RebeccaT (Mail me)

Plagarma wrote 665 days ago

This book is so full of description that paints the scenes beautifully. It's not a book to try to become absorbed in reading from a computer. I can imagine this in front of a warm fire in winter. All the same a very good and readable piece of work.
Plagarma

name falied moderation wrote 670 days ago

Dear Von
I have been keeping a close eye on your climb this is great...What a good book. I started reading this some time ago and just wanted to let you know, now finished. I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

Natalie Jones wrote 676 days ago

And I thought my book was long (LOL). I only glazed the surface of your work, having read the first two chapters. But I very much like where you are going with this story. I was pleased, however, to see that you stopped referring to Nile as "the boy" in chapter 2.

Sorry for the late comment. I actually backed your work a couple of days ago.

Good Luck
Natalie

KW wrote 682 days ago

A powerful talisman in his possession that changes the live and destiny of the young man, Nile. What not to like? When I get a little more time this summer, I'll be back to read more. I want to know what what Nile discovers and what it means to be a Joiner. Backed for now.

Elizabeth Wolfe wrote 683 days ago

Kind of a lot of words, but you clearly have a vision for your story. This is good YA material. Edit down a little would be my only suggestion, otherwise, very nice!

BACKED

Elizabeth Wolfe
Would you consider backing MEMORIES OF GLORY? I thank you for taking a look.

Ransom Heart wrote 684 days ago

The charm piece is a metaphor for the way we link ourselves to the symbols of a way of life, whether it's the way of the Cross, or the dollar bill. If you join it, you own it. Backed. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

Idea Girl Consulting wrote 684 days ago

i have backed your book the joiner :)

andrew skaife wrote 684 days ago

Hhhmmmm. That is a very, very, very long description of the trees; do you think it might be a little too much? With such a long text you do have enough to cut some.

I will check back on it again.

Backed for now on the pitch and the premise.

Sandie Newman wrote 690 days ago

This book really attracted me. I always read the tags and yours are full of things I love so I had to have a look. Your opening paragraph encapsulates why I love forests so much, You have described everything so well. I love everything about them and you tell the reader why. Brilliant writing that is a joy to read. Backed with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

John Connor wrote 692 days ago

At nearly 169,000 words I suspect the size of this in one vol is a bit daunting, and may run against you when it comes to selling commercially. However, having read so far into it, I don't see why it couldn't be adjusted into a trilogy (which would also help complete a multiple book contract.)

The writing has an interesting style (YA is not an area I'm usually familiar with) and this has the ability to talk 'to' the reader, rather than didactically 'at' them - which is a pretty good achievement in itself. I found the main characters came over well, were strong enough for me to care about them, and for me to want to read more about them.

A very enjoyable read. Backed with pleasure.

carlashmore wrote 695 days ago

I liked the pitch enormously and found your prose to be both accessible yet very intelligent and evocative. Lines like 'the orange sun slid beneath the scarlet ocean' just give us a wonderful sense of space. This has a truly epic feel to it and some great action sequences, particularly in chapter three. I think your style and tone make this highly suitable for your target audience and i commend you for that.
Carl
The Time Hunters

DP Walker wrote 697 days ago

Hi Von Schnee
Soem beautifully descriptive writing. Very compelling and intriguing. There is a lot of YA stuff around so anything has to be strong to compete and this certainly does. It's perfect for the genre. Great stuff.
DP Walker
Five Dares

A Knight wrote 698 days ago

Strong writing and easily one of the most engaging reads I've read on the site. This if perfect for the target audience and beyond. You use details without bogging down the reader and keep the action fast-paced without losing that thoughtful edge.

Backed with pleasure,
Abi xxx

name falied moderation wrote 699 days ago

I started reading this some time ago and not sure I may have already backed it, however I have continued reading and am going to back it maybe again. Great cover excellent pitches, this is my thing. you know how it is if the pitch dont grab the publisher they wont read the book, right, congrats.........I would appreciate it if you would review my book and even though it is a different genre please comment and back on the skill or pitches.if not the read. thanks and BEST of luck with your book
Denise
The Letter

Kidd1 wrote 699 days ago

A truly wonderful YA novel! You have a very enthralling voice and tone that will keep your young readers involved. Well thought out plotline. Backed.

I hope you will give mine a read and back it if you like it.
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

Pia wrote 699 days ago

Von Schnee -

The Joiner - Charming story, beautifully told.

Backed. Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Andrew Burans wrote 699 days ago

Your use of imagery is excellent as you paint with words each of your scenes beautifully. Your work is character rich, I especially like the way in which you build Nile slowly, and your imaginative writing ensures that your fantasy will have a broad appeal with the YA audience. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

lizjrnm wrote 700 days ago

An intelligent read for young adults! Talented writing as well. Backed with pleasure.

liz
The Cheech Room

Despinas1 wrote 701 days ago

An absolutely charming pitch, deserves a backing and so much more.
Helen

klouholmes wrote 701 days ago

Hi Von Schnee, Wonderful atmosphere and the repetition of the pines was part of the entrancement. Nile’s going into the cave – that remained a mystery in the midst of the description. His wanting to pull at the wizard’s nose made their relationship quirky and interesting. I was glad when the dialogue began even though I enjoyed the landscape. It’s intriguing and lyrically written. Happy to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Famlavan wrote 701 days ago

Got to admit read the tag and thought Mmm.
Glad I got past them, this is a well-written piece!
You have some exceptional narrative and Niles and Phaegnon are developing brilliantly. Read up to where they are leaving Beldvart and this is turning into a very, very good read!

mariecapri wrote 702 days ago

Hello Von. Your story is an enchanting fantasy. The description of the terrain was voiced well. Nile is a good character and clearly close to Phaegnon. The Northern Pines are intriguing. I liked the little touches of humor too. Backed and best of luck with this! Maria (Cosmic Linx)

Rusty Bernard wrote 704 days ago

Hi Von,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation


RebeccaT wrote 705 days ago

One can see - by your style - that you are from the colonies, but your prose is pretentious, purple strands weave their way amongst your descriptions.

Despite this, you did pass the fifteen line test, though "HAD" - as in -had been ( was) is a word to avoid.

You would do better by polishing this original piece of work, as long as their isn't a sword buried in a stone somewhere along the way, and seeking out an agent.
Now, if you wish, comment on my torrid piece of fiction, but first read my profile and see the (just or maybe unjust) rewards.

Owen Quinn wrote 705 days ago

amazing start, almost biblical in nature, good dialogue and characters. Really good, enjoyable read.

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