Flirty Something

I'm really quite surprised. A guy, writing chick-lit, from the female perspective, and it's really good!
The mother/teen daughter is spot on, the dialogue natural,and a fun read.
Backed, of course.
Lisa

You capture the essence and perspective of a teenage girl extremely well as you build the character of Louise. Your use of short paragraphs and crisp, realistic dialogue keeps the pace of your story flowing nicely. Your descriptive writing, you also build the other character's well especially Louise's mother, sprinkled with delicious humour makes your book a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Mick,
Flity Something from title to the characters, to the right-on dialog (how did a father of just cats get it right between mother and daughter?) to the clever plot and wild wit. You have it all and I like Adam, his cats, his short love affairs and his canal boat. Very off the wall but believable!! Congrats and good luck.
Caroline
KC Hart
Summer Rose

Mick,

I am so pleasantly surprised that you know the female psyche so well! VERY good story. Hard to put down. I love the plot and how you let the characters relate to each other: "Lou, I don’t care how bad you are with relationships. You’re my best friend." Yep! That's what I would say to my very best friend!

You are a superb storyteller - and this fine work in not only highly entertaining - it is full of deep knowledge about the human nature - and relations.

My complements!

Backed with pleasure.

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Hi Mick

Thanks for letting me know about your book - I'm glad I read it! The premise of your story is really good and your characters are well-voiced and engaging. You have a great sense of inner dialogue (a crucial part of good chick-lit stories) and I like the cultural references you use to indicate your characters' tastes and histories.

One thing I would say is that at the moment your second chapter feels stronger than your first. I think, like other people have noticed, this is because the first chapter is a scene from the past and feels a little strange to be meeting one of your main characters as a teenager. That said, you could always put the date at the top of the chapter (eg 1989) so that readers understand this is a flashback scene, then prefix the second chapter with 'Today', perhaps?

Also, be careful of how much supplementary information you give between dialogue exchanges. It's all really good, but sometimes it affects the flow of conversation, which you write so well. Don't be afraid of holding back some of the descriptions - perhaps find other ways to convey them (such as through gestures or movement.) Very often you can imply someone's reaction by describing their body language or subtly hinting at their feelings by the tone of their answer. Readers will fill in a lot of the details themselves (part of the fun of reading!) so if you give them too much information it can stop them really identifying with the characters (This was one of the major things I had to learn when editing Fairytale of New York - I tend to use twenty words when five will do!)

Watch out for using too many exclamation marks and question marks when you're describing your characters' inner thoughts - what they think and feel is valid for them, so be confident about writing it.

All of these are things I've found useful - so please take what you like from them and ignore the rest! At the end of the day, it's your book and it's up to you what feels best for your characters. Your story is good, your characters are people I want to get to know and Adam in particular is very well imagined (I loved your descriptions of his barge - really visual!)

All the very best with this!

Miranda x

FLIRTY SOMETHING
This was a surprise find - a male writing chick lit - great.
And you have a great perspective on the life of Louise. Mayhem develops when the 2 girls hatch their plot and you haver captured exactly how teo teenage girls would act. Good solid writing here. Incidently I heard the term gooner for the frist time yeterday - I had no idea it was a supporter of Arsenal! You learn something every day!
Good luck
Faith
The Assassins Village

Delightful read so far and am delighted to back it!

Hello there,

Spot-on mother-daughter interaction, and a cracker of a line in the first par about "some rangy tart"! On a technical level, I noticed that you head-hop between the two characters in their interaction, which is a difficult trick to pull off. Nice scene-setting, too, and classic showing rather than telling when you outline the mother's relationship with the absent father. Good stuff

Pat Black
Snarl

I like a book that dives straight in. You take us straight into the world and situation of the book and the exchanges between Louise and her mum are spot on. This should be very popular with your intended readers.
Polly
STONES.

Lightly amusing and entertaining. I'd recommend a bit of an edit, doesn't everyone, but elements of the puntuation need attention and some of the sentences in chapter 1 are a tad cumbersome and might benefit from a wee bit of simplification.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

You are very talented in the chick-lit genre and you show it.

I invite you to read or comment on The Rebel

God Bless,
Chipper

Dear Mick,
This is simply wonderful writing! Any young woman or mother with a teenage daughter will identify right from the start with this witty, humorous, totally human story. Your words are superb - rangy tart, fizzy drink, gooner (?), more moves than Charlie Sheen - so modern and true to today's young adults.

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Please excuse the following message if I’ve already sent it to you. Sometimes I get confused! Thanks.

Here is your chance to get a double backing. My friend, homewriter, and I have similar taste in writing and trust each other's judgment. Back my book and leave it on your bookshelf. Then do the same for his, "The Harpist of Madrid." Once the backings register, he will give you a return backing guaranteed. Just let him know in an email that you've backed my book as well as his. You might have to be a bit patient as we're 6 time zones apart. But you'll have two backings guaranteed on your excellent book. Of course, comments are always welcome too!

Hi Elizabeth,
Many thanks for the comments/review. Hopefully will be better after the new edit I want to do.
Mick

Dear Mick,
This is simply wonderful writing! Any young woman or mother with a teenage daughter will identify right from the start with this witty, humorous, totally human story. Your words are superb - rangy tart, fizzy drink, gooner (?), more moves than Charlie Sheen - so modern and true to today's young adults.

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Please excuse the following message if I’ve already sent it to you. Sometimes I get confused! Thanks.

Here is your chance to get a double backing. My friend, homewriter, and I have similar taste in writing and trust each other's judgment. Back my book and leave it on your bookshelf. Then do the same for his, "The Harpist of Madrid." Once the backings register, he will give you a return backing guaranteed. Just let him know in an email that you've backed my book as well as his. You might have to be a bit patient as we're 6 time zones apart. But you'll have two backings guaranteed on your excellent book. Of course, comments are always welcome too!

Mick, your first chapter is a smooth read. Good mix of dialogue and narrative in that section.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Well drawn characters. Snappy dialogue, believable--excellent work. I will say (not as a critique, but on a personal reading for fun level--I think Louise got gypped!).

I skimmed some of your other reviews--I'm not sure why so many sound so surprised a guy could/would write a love story--guys fall in love too--but I will say, a writer writes, and you did very nicely! :-)
kb

Great fun, Backed!

Just a few typos and edits for you here. It's time for me to leave for work, so this is all I can offer right now, but here you go:

First page, Second paragraph:
Gladys Fletcher didn't think she'd turned into as bad as her mother....
I think "out" would work better here than "into" but on this site I never know if it's a lingual difference between UK and US.

This was turning into a most unusual conversation?
This sentence doesn't need a question mark.

In fact, she wasn't even sure before now that her mother knew what a lesbian was?
Nor this one.

'I'm just saying that as we seem to having this sort of conversation....'
Missing 'be' after 'to.'

It's a nice story though so far and the dialogue is sweet between mother and daughter. I wish you the best with it! Backed!

Im pretty sure I backed this already - I remember it because I loved it but Im backing again for good measure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Hi Mick

This is such fun! Not at all what I'd expect from an ex-RAF man (they're usually all gritty thrillers with a murder in the first chapter) and you do it so well and with such empathy. I'm very impressed. Backed.

Nicole (Chosen)

While the idea's fun, I'm with Ida - it's over-written in some places. My suggestion is for you to read the whole thing out loud to yourself and wherever you find yourself sticking on words, repeating yourself or kind of nodding off, fix that part. Less is definitely more in many cases. I cut 75,000 words off my original manuscript and it was 100% better for it. Oh - and read it from paper, not a screen. For some reason, that works better.

Your descriptions are very interesting. I think that they will definitely appeal to certain groups of people while others will not understand them, particularly the "Candle in the Wind" one. I think this book will really appeal to the people who understand it though! Well done!

Bob/ Rob/ Bobby/ whatever

Well, for a man well-done. You've made Louise pathetic, but in a relatable way for some of us, however, I was 16 when I acted that way. I wish I had more time to read further, read through Ch 3.

Great job and happily backed
Denise

Who would be thirteen again eh! My but you have captured the teenager well with your descriptions and dialogue. I love reading something that makes me smile, and this did. I'm rooting for Louise and Adam. Backed already with great pleasure. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

Flirty Something - love the title - definitely piqued my interest, and the synopsis set the scene what what I hoped would be an entertaining read - you've certainly achieved that! Louise is a great character, she feels very life-like, and the emotions, angst, dreams all come across as spot on - clearly you don't need to be female to write chick-lit - Backed!
Diane
Good Blood

Mick Arnold:

Please know that the OPINION expressed here is my own; use as you see fit. During my read I noticed: In the sentence: He's seeing some rangy tart in the next year down from us." (Confusing-wordy) Firstly, we don't know what you mean by saying 'the next year down from us'. Is it 3rd, 4th, 5th, or 6th grade?)

Consider: "He's seeing some rangy tart in the ____ grade; a grade below us."

In the sentence: "Does that make him what you call a cradle-snatcher mum? (Wordy)

Consider: "Does that make him a cradle snatcher mum?"

When you say "Louise's mother place the knife down that she'd been cutting up the carrots for the evening's meal with and turned down the radio." You could state message with less words. (The reader will assume that the carrots are being cut to be consumed later, so it is irrelevant here.)

Consider: "Louise's mother, who had been cutting up carrots, suddenly placed the knife on the table then turned down the radio.

Consider introducing Glady's fletcher when you first mention 'Louise's mother, because this paragraph, as it stands now, is quite confusing. When you describe a character initially as you do Louise's mother, instead of giving her a name, then start referring to her daughter Louise, then back to Glady's Fetcher's MOTHER all in one paragraph the reader can lose site of who is who.

You describe a scene where Louise blew her nose on a handkerchief, then later passed it to her mother who put it in her pocket.(Pretty disgusting scene). We see mom ask for the 'kitchen roll'; you need to identify this 'kitchen roll' as paper towels, roll of tissue, etc. so we get the feel that MOM now needs to blow her OWN nose. (Not asking for a bread roll) This will make it clear that Mrs Fletcher is blowing her nose, not Louise.

Later you have Louise picking up a carrot (I thought they had been cut); wasn't this the job that Ms Fletcher had stopped to console Louise? (Need clarification)

Go through the manuscript and look for other such occurrences to tighten the script. (Backed for encouragement)

Ida L. (Silent Storm)

Hey Mick, you captured my attention at cats. And happened to notice the below comment, as I write chick-flics. I'm not a critic, just a scriptwriter, one who enjoys and appreciates good dialogue, and yours is terrific. Nice journey you've painted for your readers! Backed.

blessings from this side of the pond,
jim

Fabulous character build-up in your first chapter, and I was pleasantly surprised that you have brilliantly tackled this genre. The dialogue is a huge draw, and within it you pass information without us being aware of it. This is an excellent book! Backed with pleasure.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Hi Mick
Loved your pitch and began to read chapter one and you capture the reader instantly. I will continue to read and comment on your book, later today. Would you please look at "The Sun and The Saber" and return the favor.
Thank you.
Craig Ellis

Cute, adorable and absolutely entertaining. You've captured a bright, fun, dramatic teenager in Louise which many will identify with. The dialogue is crisp, funny and the writing quite smooth. Mother-daughter relationship is portrayed well as the characterisation is quite solid.
Backed earlier and enjoyed this alot.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

Backed! Three women (Louise, Andrea, and Charlie), one man.... always leads to trouble. Enjoyed the 5 chapters we read. Hope you will take the time to look at our book Dark Side, a paranormal thriller.

CCBrown

This is a great story and you tell it so well. I have only just got around to reading some of it and found it an entertaining read. The dialogue is realistic and funny. I just love it. Backed with delight more than pleasure.
Rosemary (Ziggy Chalan)

Backed
Eveleen
(Turning an e leaf)

Dear Mick --

Louise is an entertaining character, and Andrea plays her part well as both Louise's foil and goad in bringing Adam back into Louise's life. Our main crit through chapter 4: please consider losing some of the exclamation points. We know that sounds like a very small element upon which to focus, but it struck us that using that punctuation mark so frequently is a way to avoid characterizing and describing what you're characters are thinking and saying through their actions. Your dialogue is quick-witted and sharp, so there's no need for Louise and Andrea to constantly seem as if they're shouting or hysterical.

Backed for the entertainment and amusement that Flirty Something provides. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Hi Delhui,
Thank you for the critique. Strange you should mention the exclamation marks. I'm doing another edit at the moment and someone else pointed that out, so shall find and amend.
Many thanks,
Mick

Dear Mick --

Louise is an entertaining character, and Andrea plays her part well as both Louise's foil and goad in bringing Adam back into Louise's life. Our main crit through chapter 4: please consider losing some of the exclamation points. We know that sounds like a very small element upon which to focus, but it struck us that using that punctuation mark so frequently is a way to avoid characterizing and describing what you're characters are thinking and saying through their actions. Your dialogue is quick-witted and sharp, so there's no need for Louise and Andrea to constantly seem as if they're shouting or hysterical.

Backed for the entertainment and amusement that Flirty Something provides. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Dear Mick Arnold,

Flirty Something captures a homey, commonsense, warmhearted story. And, you don't have daughters? How do you know this stuff? Your wife is a lucky lady.

Backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Hi GK,
Please don't tell my wife. She thinks I'm making it up as I go along!
;-)
Let me take a look at your book and return the favour.
Mick

Dear Mick Arnold,

Flirty Something captures a homey, commonsense, warmhearted story. And, you don't have daughters? How do you know this stuff? Your wife is a lucky lady.

Backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

I'm really quite surprised. A guy, writing chick-lit, from the female perspective, and it's really good!
The mother/teen daughter is spot on, the dialogue natural,and a fun read.
Backed, of course.
Lisa

Hi Lisa,
Many thanks for your kind review and words.
Most appreciated.
Mick

hullo Mick. Romance is a wild animal and only stays in its cage when you don't want it to. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

Hi LInda,
Had already backed. Please let me know if you'd like it backed again.
Thanks,
mick

I enjoyed the assonance of your writing it allows for an easy read. The writing itself is soothing—it is an interesting read. I enjoyed the choices you, especially in chapter one.
Good luck
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

I'm really quite surprised. A guy, writing chick-lit, from the female perspective, and it's really good!
The mother/teen daughter is spot on, the dialogue natural,and a fun read.
Backed, of course.
Lisa

hullo Mick. Romance is a wild animal and only stays in its cage when you don't want it to. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

Dear MIck
This was a book I backed and commented on and now have finished my read. I wanted to take the extra time to say congrats on a good book, and as I said, this book was going to rise well and it has. CONGRATS

Denise
The Letter

You capture the essence and perspective of a teenage girl extremely well as you build the character of Louise. Your use of short paragraphs and crisp, realistic dialogue keeps the pace of your story flowing nicely. Your descriptive writing, you also build the other character's well especially Louise's mother, sprinkled with delicious humour makes your book a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Would you believe, Mick, that you are the 999th person to back my memoir book, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not?" Thanks from the bottom of my heart. :) Hope you'll take a moment to back my other memoir book, "Tell Me True Love Stories." :) I would really appreciate it. :) Love, Susie :)

Read chapters 1 to 3. If I can covert you to fantasy then just maybe you can convert me to Chick Lit. Light, frothy, with definite insights into human beaviour and relationships. Yes, you do have a few typos but they will eventually be weeded out. Your long pitch catches the attention and then your nifty story tugs the reader along. thanks for bringing this to my attention.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

'He doesn't love me mum', that, along with the rest of the sentence tells us so much. This leads to a scene that is variously sad, funny, happy, and in so many ways, familiar. Then onto the distraction of football. Glady's has a wicked sense of humour, 'I'd pretend that he played for Rotherham United'. Oh, good, a boat - I like boats. Not so sure about the cattery. So Adam is to marry Charlie, and he's told Louise who is now his friend, and he's going to meet her friend? And we do meet Andrea, and things are not going according to plan. As well as Charlie, and Louise, it seems Andrea is also falling, and the pair of them end up, 'ripping Louise's character apart'. Hm, even bigger problems, Charlie is up the stick, and Andrea actually did fall.

What an amusing and all too believable tangle, Mick. I spent a fair bit of the time reading this with a wince on my face as the litany of missteps and stray passions drag Adam into a hole so deep he's never going to dig himself out. But we're going to hang around, nevertheless, and snigger as we watch him try. I hate to think what will happen when the cats get in on the act. Highly entertaining and well written ... backed.

Possible nits: Plenty and aplenty in short pitch. Actually, I'll message you with some pitch tweaks. Play around with any awkward sentences, e.g. Louise's mother, who had been cutting up carrots for the evening's meal, placed the knife on the chopping board and turned down the radio'. 'having seen the expression that had just appeared on Louise's face', isn't needed as we get the picture from what Gladys said. 'still ho[o]vering up the floor'. Drank / Drunk?? Don't comely and handsome mean the same thing? 'with the feeling and it left him feeling'. (BTW her mum has small m, but when she uses mum as a name, as in 'Hi, Mum,' it has a capital.)

Hi Sly,
My apologies for not replying to you before now. Been mad around here. Thanks a lot for everything mate. A new edit will certainly take into account your ideas and thoughts.
Cheers!
Mick

I enjoyed the opening chapter, laying down the beginnings of the relationship and giving the time line without shouting it,
Chapter 2 was very engaging, the unusual setting (O love canal boats) and the cattery (Tabby-one-Kenobi:-), groan, but good one), chapter 3 carried the plot along in rattling style, but it was very long compared to the other two, gave an unbalanced feel to everything, it might be worth splitting it.
Overall entertaining and a good read.

HI Beval,
Yes, after reading my comments, I shall be doing another edit. I feel it's a bit too long as a whole.
Mick

I started reading your book and loved Louise, but then got a bit confused when I read chapter 2 and found it was the present. Maybe chapter 1 should be a prologue? I will go back and read more soon as I do like your witing style and characters!
Backed
k.j. fletcher
Grave detective

Thanks KJ. Took note of your idea and made a change.
Mick

Hi Mick, My only advice for rising in the ranks here is to write a publishable book, work hard at praising books you like (especially if written by noted talent spotters), and accept the editing of authors you agree with. I'm not sure whether your genre matters, or how much of your book is displayed, or the number of friends you cultivate. Your criticisms should be polite, constructive, but not too detailed. I think the editors really believe that this process could smoke out books that would sell.

Your first chapter starts well--classic mother-daughter strife, emotional, half-way resolved--but I'd scour it for thin lines concerning a handkerchief and football. The scene concerning the missing husband is touching, and the dialogue and body language are effective. Keep up the tension.

I need to leave now, but I'll back "Flirty Something" on the way out and plan to return later. Best of luck.

Bill Carrigan
THE DOCTOR OF SUMMITVILLE

Hi Bill,
Thanks for taking the time to give me your thoughts. A new edit will be started on this one soon and I'll certainly take account of what you've said for everything.
Mick

I love chic-lit written by a man. It gives such a different perpective. I think you are setting up a very nice relational story here. The whole cat-thing adds just that extra element of interest.

One minor thing to think about is the opening chapter. I like it...but it begins with a child when this is an adult story. I know you quickly jump it into the adult world in chapter two--but I did this once in a book I had written. That book was actually reviewed by an editor at Hodder--and rejected because I started the story when the MC was a teenager. She said that the target audience wouldn't hold with a young MC start. Anyway--just thought I would give you what happened from my experience. Yours looks to me like it could be easily fixed by making it a flash back in a later chapter. But that is all to you!
Best with this. And keep on! It is a fun story.
Barbara

HI Barbara,
Thank you for the heads-up/insight. Hadn't thought of that? I'm going to be starting an edit again shortly and will try things around to see what comes up?
Mick

Very engaging from the start. The dynamics between a teenage daughter and a mother are right on. The gestures, the words, the visuals are all appropriate. My only concern are the the double quotes around "Mother know best....." They are a bit distrusting since there are other quotes right afterward. Maybe use italics or use the dashes as you did in some other cases: mother-know-best..... This is just my opinion. HapperCollins will tell you what is best in this case.

Otherwise a splendid job. Can't wait to have time to read it. Very timely and real. Well done.

Hi Suzanna,
Trying to catch up on some replies before having to shoot odd again. Thanks for your ideas/thoughts. I'm going to be using them in a new edit I intend starting shortly.
All the best,
Mick

The unusual setting, with Mrs O'Leary's Cow and having been "willed" into the Cattery business, sparks the curiosity and draws the reader in and sets up an endearing lighthearted comical tone which works well.

Only area for improvement I might suggest is to scrutinize possible repetitive words in close proximity. One example in C2: “…Cat owners had no notion of seasonal holidays 'either' and that Cattery owners didn’t tend to have holidays like other people 'either'."

Hi Teremoto,
Thanks very much. Will be using yuor thoughts in my new edit very shortly.
Mick

Funny and endearing story. I liked the characters and the set up.

I don't think 'she asked curiously' really needs curiously in there, seems redundant (how else do you ask a question?)

There are a few minor mistakes. Louise becomes Louis at one point, and if you put brackets in the middle of a speech (that remark earned her a venemous glance etc.) it reads like the person is saying what's in the brackets. If you want to put it in narration you have to come out of the speech and then go back in afterwards.

Occasionally I thought Louise's language veered towards a more formal, adult version that seemed inconsitent with her age. For example the line "If that's a polite way of saying you swear like a trooper, I'd have to agree" doesn't sound liek a teenage girl to me.

Overall very good, an enjoyable read. And great title. Backed.

Hi Mooderino,
I really appreciate the critique. When things get back to normal here, yours shall be one of the comments I shall be printing out and using to help me do another edit. Most appreciated.
Mick

I read the first and last chapter that you have posted. I must agree with the other comments, you are very good at writing realistic and clever dialog. Can't wait to see where this story goes.

Backed.

El

Thank you El. My apologies for only just saying so.
Mick

Reckless Scarlett

Still chuckling over "more moves than Charlie Sheen," although I believe his best move is to reach for his wallet! I found your characters endearing from the beginning, both Louise and her mother, then Louise and Andrea. The dialogue in both cases is real and entertaining, and kept me interested. I do think that once in a while, you clog up the pace by describing too much between dialogue--what they are doing, looks on their faces, HOW they said something. Not a huge amount, but here and there. Otherwise, I like the set up for the story, sort of Louise's love history...really enjoyed this.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood