Butterflies

BUTTERFLIES
This is a good take on what it was like to be a teenager in the 60s. I like the way you begin by introducing the way the girls disrespect their parents; typical 60s adolescent (an still true today) behavior (altho I would have been a little more sympathetic toward them if they’d managed to be a little more respectful of their parents). I think you have a good writing style for young adult novels: crisp and clear and a lot of dialogue which keeps your story always moving. I think you’ll find an audience for this among young adults who see themselves in one of the girls; want to read on to see if there are some things they can learn as well as enjoy a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Butterflies

These are just my thoughts as I read through your work...Please use, enjoy, or disregard as you wish, mine is just another opinion in a sea of plenty...

Cover & Title – Lovely cover, bright, bold, appealing. I do like it. The title, it might be a bit too much of a common word to stand out, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong, just means it I would have reservations about using it without adding to it to make it as unique as possible.

Short Pitch – I’m not a fan of comparing or combining other to your own work but having said that I loved V Andrews books when i was younger and could watch Forrest Gump till the cows come home.

Long Pitch – not too fond of the quote at the beginning – might give way to copyright issues. Last paragraph – would it not be easier and cleaner to say an eye opening fantastic trip across the country to Washington DC.

Chapter 1 – I like the idea behind this story, ie the road trip and I think you have captured the era very well. As well as adding in some typical teenage and family issues, i’m thinking here of Betty and her mother.

Nits – stupid soaps – soap operas were around in the 60’s but did people really call them soaps at that time... is it not more a term of the 80’s.

Speech tags – watch ur tags. Laughed, finished are not tags so you would need full stops if speech precedes them.

Would the girls really say man to each other... I know it’s the 60’s but ur overdoing that bit I think, there’s enough other 60’s type speech patterns locked into the dialogue to remind us of the decade.

These things apart you do have a really good start, with good tension and it does make me want to read more, which I will do and leave further comment.

Butterflies
Hilary Entley
I really enjoyed reading your first few chapters. There is some sensitive characterisation and an engrossing story line. Natural-sounding dialogue between the girls which perfectly captures the feel of the times. Highly rated.
Kat xx

Sunny, Rainy, Silver – you know you’re in the sixties! :-)
I apologise if any of the following is already mentioned in the below comments, I don’t read them so as not to prejudice myself before reading

Some minor details:
“you probably won’t even feel anything if your first time” – if IT’S your first time
Would have liked a little more description about how the girls felt smoking the pot, especially as it was Betty’s first time. Made me think of that TV program “That 70’s show’ when they used to sit in a circle and get high and talk rubbish and laugh. I think you could really make this a funny situation.
No where – one word
If she stretched she cold reach it – could
“Well that’s not the kind of school this is, here you ask” – doesn’t make sense to me

I like how you have Betty believing it’s her own behaviour that causes the problems at home and her mother to get made at her. That’s a typical victim belief so clever that you used it. The dialogue is also good (minus a few punctuation errors) and really sets the era and the age group of the girls.
A good read
Tammy

- Butterflies -

(Based on chapters 1-4)

This is an engaging coming-of-age story set during a turbulent and fascinating time in America's history. The pitch mentions Forrest Gump and I was reminded of the film slightly as we have some of the key events of the time hovering in the background, giving us a good sense of the era.

I liked reading about the friendship and cameraderie between the girls in the face of their various strained parental relationships and difficulties at school. We seem to be heading towards a classic tale of escape, in the tradition of the great american road trip novels.

I do have some nitpicks and suggestions, during the reading of which it's always best to remember that I'm a complete novice as an author and make no claim to being right about these things.

- We seem to be missing a lot of the the commas necessary before a term of address in speech. For example, a comma should precede 'young lady' in "That's right young lady." (chapter one)

-Names and terms of address should be caiptalised in speech. For example, 'Mom" needs to be capitalised in "You were a delinquent, weren't you, mom?" (chapter 2)

-I would suggest looking through the dialogue tags and deciding whether some of them can be omitted. In some cases, perhaps they could be changed to a simple 'he said' or 'she said'. It's my own personal opinion that using a number of different verbs to describe how the characters communicate can both make it difficult for the reader to picture what is going on and give them the impression that things are melodramatic and over the top. In the chapters I read, for example, the characters shriek, prompt, yell, sneer, and contradict their dialogue. Often, I think the verbs are superfluous as the manner of speech was already set up and made clear by the context on tone of the conversations. As I say though, this is just my opinion and i don't claim to be right about it.

Nitpicks aside, the core of the story is very good and i enjoyed reading it.

All the best with it,

Ross

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A captivating start. A sympathetic main character. Good period details that evoke the era. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) "People are either in church or everything's closed ... its Sunday." Its (possessive) should be it's (contraction for it is).
2) "That's right young lady -" Comma after 'right.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where someone is addressed in dialogue and their name or title isn't offset with commas.
3) "What was that all about anyway," Sunny asked. Question mark after 'anyway.' There are more questions without question marks.
4) Hyphenate 'muscle headed.'
5) 'Sure you could tell she had given birth but other then that nothing much had changed.' 'Then' should be 'than.'
6) Sunny knew, "No shit, is it good?" she asked. Period after 'knew.'
7) "You probably won't even feel anything if your first time." Insert 'it's' after 'if.'
8) " ... they're still down there yelling at each other as usual." Betty said. Comma after 'usual.'
9) 'The branch was a few feet away but if she reached she cold reach it.' 'Cold' should be 'could.'
10) "Yeah dad, I was just hanging out with the girls ... that's all." Capitalize 'dad.' In this context 'dad' is a proper noun and should be capitalized. Same thing with "All right mom, I'm walking to school today, see ya." Capitalize 'mom.' There are more cases of this type of problem.

I hope this critique will help you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinion. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a fabulous day.

Al

You write well, and the dialogue seems natural, though rather unnaturally nasty. I didn't like your teenagers, which made it difficult to get into the story. They have odd names - Sunny, Rainy, Silver. Unless they are nicknames, it is the wrong generation for the odd names. It's the flower-children of the 60s who named their babies Sun, Rain, Flower, etc.
There are few errors, and I expect that a lot of people will very much enjoy your story. To be backed (though it may take a few days) Marj.

You had me at VC Andews! Flowers in the Attic rocked the 1980s! Backed and ready to read. If a chance, please consider checking out 33 and Halo of the Damned
Dina

have you on my WL. Will read soon!

Hilary,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The jewel of the narrative however is how you use dialogue to paint the psychological map of your central character's.

The ebbs and flows of as they goes about reconciling the wishes with the pauses....

......as they go about in a dialogue that is not overly punchy, naturally flowing, full of expression

......and as they do and the dialogue flows

......the grace of your characters shows.

Some of my favorites phrasing:

"With that, just like the first time
This is your personal best so far..
why?
because here, you get down to the nitty gritty of describing as a mean to paint a psychological map of your characters for, is the things we do that we show the people we are....

"Betty had gotten there just in time...."
again this entire paragraph for the same reason

"Louise had left some clothes and shoes...."
again the paragraph[h is wonderfully descriptive

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I would have liked a bit more of a sense of place at the beginning, to place an image in the reader's mind

"intoxicating laugh" "was livid" "grudgingly" "she was miserable"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he uses body language to describe...the reader feels

"Stricter too" "somber mood" "wonderful things"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

for ex you write: "The girls were pretty too"
and then you about describing them
why not let the description speak for itself?

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

There was a toughness to this that took my by surprise - it could easily have been a rose-tinted evocation of growing up in the sixties, but I was impressed at the way the home lives of the girls were set down. Excellent stuff, hard-hitting at times.

How very wonderful you are, Hilary, to back my memoirs/testimony book, again :) - could you please keep it on your shelf to help me go out of #6 & into the top 5 to be chosen on the editor's desk on January 31? :) I would be so appreciative. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing-more-than-24-hours & the longer on our bookshelves, the more they move up :)

Hilary,
I'm amazed at your interest in the 60s. As far as I can tell, you are hitting the culturally appropriate notes. Quite well-written. Starred and WLd for now.
Cheers.
JBC

Starred 6*s and BACKED. I read Orlando's review and share his view of your lifting of the lid on a fascinating slice of history. I said to him he missed a trick. Your story reminds me of EASY RIDER. It is a period piece and takes us into the battleground in the kid's homes. What is the soundtrack to your story?

Ch 2.
Fascinating. I came back out of a sense of duty and then found myself enjoying the read. Then some very strange things happened as I read. To start with I was myself. I started making notes about smoking, this-n-that. I liked the wry use of the word 'festivities' up top. And I noted a literal that made me smile (not nastily). You spell 'patience' as 'patients'. '...she was losing her patients.' And there was a second one lower down. But this is nothing. Oh and I wondered if the word 'pissed' was used than as it is now. I was taken with Rainy's feistiness up top. Marci seemed to deserve it.
The partntal violence at the top and in the earlier chaper, seemed personal only, but at the first mention of the war it all slotted into place. Here was a society with violence at its very core, a socienty where mothers beat their daughters, routinely. And the violence is there in a defensive way in Rainy on Marci. Beautiful (not). The stakes then shot up exponentially and I began to read politically with two readers in my head, Richard Nixon and Germaine Greer. GG responded strongly to the Silent Spring and Dow Chemicals and the evil backhander for mere critical mention of the name. The old guard could not stomach any disagreement with their world view. And as they had won the WW2 who is to say they were wrong, says RN. My personal view is that both were right, but at different times and for different reasons. If you think about it railing about Dow but then plunging into Coke makes little sense. Incidentally, some of the dabs caught my eye: Henry's diner wld sell for millions now if it were in Christies with everything intact and the use of the word 'maaaaaan', a most political word. Even now the RN in me bristles as the word sounds like a 'fuck you dude in the smart blazer with gold buttons'. And here was a lovely little phrase 'a bubble-headed girl with lollipop thoughts'. Maybe that is how Betty's mum wanted her to be. But Betty and her new family -- GG approves -- of sisters do have thoughts, lots of them. And little groups like that were springing up everywhere as the old status quo was rocking as the new status quo to be was also rocking but to a very different music. Another minor literal, re Pam's 'montage' which I think should be motto or some such. So there you have it, this reader's reaction at least. You have put your finger on history from the inside of the pulse. Of course we know about all the events you describe, but the success of your story is that we see life throught they eyes of the sisters and they DID NOT know how things wld unfold. The historian in me thinks of the WW2 vet and I wonder if he was right, or over emotional. If the men had not died in the foxholes and that war had been lost how wld things have been? I know VN is seen as an evil pointless war. But it is more complex than that. Nothing is as simple as it seems. Much as the rebellion of some teen girls smoking in the toilets is more than just that. For example they champion Silent Spring and hate Dow, yet their rebellion involves using the products of Philip Morris etc to self pollute. To conclude, for now, it it the violence in the bourbon swilling mother who nails her daughter out that seems to hole the key to the story so far. Not to rebel against such a hideous status quo wld be un-American in a way. Fascinating stuff.

A fascinating retrospective, esp the bell-bottoms. Maaan they were crazy times, all those moustaches and cream leather jackets with gigantic lapels. The best part for me was the novelty of the dope smoke. Such innocence. And it goes on. The battles with parents continue and broken marriage cotinue to damage kids. Yep, detention still goes on and parents still rail at kids to do their homework. And how the hell did anyone live without their mobys!?! I confess though, as a parent myself, I am a tyrant when it comes to 'like' and 'ya know' and 'gonna' and 'can I get'. I wld always mark someone down if, like, they kept, like, saying, like, know what a maen? Having said that I am also all for rebellion. But now the rebellion is against street mores -- drugs and knives, they being the norm -- rather than the other way around. But I am enjoying your sisters' microcosmic world. There must have been millions of little groups exactly like the one you describe and millions of sad middle-aged women waiting by their phones for Dolf to show up. Will r ead more. Watchlisted and will back when I get a place.
Ron

A fascinating retrospective, esp the bell-bottoms. Maaan they were crazy times, all those moustaches and cream leather jackets with gigantic lapels. The best part for me was the novelty of the dope smoke. Such innocence. And it goes on. The battles with parents continue and broken marriage cotinue to damage kids. Yep, detention still goes on and parents still rail at kids to do their homework. And how the hell did anyone live without their mobys!?! I confess though, as a parent myself, I am a tyrant when it comes to 'like' and 'ya know' and 'gonna' and 'can I get'. I wld always mark someone down if, like, they kept, like, saying, like, know what a maen? Having said that I am also all for rebellion. But now the rebellion is against street mores -- drugs and knives, they being the norm -- rather than the other way around. But I am enjoying your sisters' microcosmic world. There must have been millions of little groups exactly like the one you describe and millions of sad middle-aged women waiting by their phones for Dolf to show up. Will r ead more. Watchlisted and will back when I get a place.
Ron

This is well crafted and for me an evocative read.Your use of dialogue is superb and fits well into the time frame you have created with your talented writing.
Ray

Hi Hilary, First, your cover is lovely and I agree with those below that it suits the jerky fluttering your characters must use to get them through life. You have indeed caught the spirit of the later 1960s, a time when teenagers (and plenty of others) were torn between the excitement of the hippy scene and the growing realisation that there was a hollow core to it. Rebellion and fragility made a horrible mix for them to manage and in many ways I think you carry it off.

May I talk practicalities? Do you know what market this book would satisfy? Who would read it? And how long would they expect a book to be? At 36.000 this is short, almost a novella, which would fit some young adult markets - and with most not-yet-adults young people tend to prefer reading about characters a little older than themselves, while yearning for the next stage. For the adult chicklit market, for which I think it is not entirely appropriate, I suspect a publisher would say it is too short.

The other aspect I found slightly disconcerting was that the earliest chapter was... almost too fluttering, is the best way to put it, in comparison with the last chapters which become summaries of the various lives. I feel the contrast is a bit too much. Chapter lengths also don't balance. I can see why you have so much in chapter one, with each friend's experience melding into the next, but it might benefit from dividing into two or more while still retaining the continuity. When it is compared with the later chapters it is almost as if you were laying out the bare bones of the later stories until you had time to fill then in as you did the beginnings of the life-experiences.

I wish you well with Butterflies and hope my comments will help it to fly. Mgt

Sunny and Rainy! Haha fab names! And then they laugh at the name Dolf- genius!
Just a little nitpick- 'A permanent tan from her nationality' read a little oddly to me.
There's a real strong flavour of the late 60's threading through this. Well done.

The Cold War era stories are an explanation of youths, who are like kite without stride. Insecurity was prevailing in some minds. At the same time, some youths were turning to be rebellious. In this transition process, the world has witnessed some anarchism of life. Your novel is pointing out to that direction. It leads readers to that age. Your theme is very very rare. Congratulations for your selection.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

This chicklit will appeal to the older teenager. I particularly like your dialogue. This shows talent. There are places where you could improve the text: on the first page you describe the clothes. They speak for themselves, you don't need to tell the reader they're hippie garb. In 10, similarly, you don't need to add 'letting them know he really didn't' when a guy hasn't understood. I've starred you, so good luck. Another writer similar to you has published with Night Publishing. Lara
Good for Him

You are amazing, Hilary! :) Thank you so much for again backing my memoirs/testimony book. :)
May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is now ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) - could you please ****** mine, too? :) Every ****** -ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf as long as possible because I'm 12 from the editor's desk & need to be in the top 5 by the end of November :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 20 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 9-1/2 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks earlier this year.

Hi Hilary,
Intricate plot, nicely crafted delicate prose.
I have sprinkled stars and backed.

I would love you to take a look at Lovesick when you get a chance:)
Best Wishes
Jenny

Hilary, The sixties--historical fiction. I was there. I feel ancient. What can I say--turbulent times, age old beliefs and institutions crumbling, rebellion, a war no one believed in going on. To be a teenager during those times must have been hell and somehow empowering. I think you've touched both the angst and the exhileration. You mentoned going to Columbus and Philadelphia--quite a distance--maybe rethink that. Best of luck. I'll give this five stars and back when I have a space. I have a huge backlog.
Caroline
KC Hart
Summer Rose

What can I say, Hilary? :) I love you!! :) Thank you so very much for putting my book on your shelf. :) I just went & ****** 'd your book :) - could you please ****** mine, too? :) Love, Susie :)

The pitch is appealing, the dialogue is realistic, the era is fun, and the front cover is eye catching.
Happy to support your book, M
- Weekend Chimney Sweep or Happy New Year
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

You show a clear focus on the time frame and characters that fit nicely into it.

Well written and entertaining.

Jane

A really enjoyable read. Backed.

Thanks,

Natalie.

You are totally fantastic, Hilary! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Butterflies - This is an excellent portrayal of the time. It has a real young adult feel to it and I wonder if it shouldn't be tagged as such. Gladly already backed.

Peace and best wishes to you,
:-) Summer D'Vine, Women of the Trees

interesting depiction of 1960s life.

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

Hi Hilary. You owned me with your synopsis. You paint your visuals well. Your sentences move logically and flow like the Mississippi. Nice!

blessings,
jim

Thank you!

Hi Hilary. You owned me with your synopsis. You paint your visuals well. Your sentences move logically and flow like the Mississippi. Nice!

blessings,
jim

Rainy raises a smile - anti-war until it comes to her Mom, then she's positively atomic. Later Betty is so spaced out from Silver's dope that she's late home and then decides it's a good idea to cheek her mother like Rainy. Different mother though, and one walking pretty near the edge. The girls are testing all the boundaries, breaking rules, even breaking the law, and stretching the laws of logic into the bargain, 'first they tell us when to go to the bathroom. Then they tell us what to think'. There goes Rainy's pacifism again as she kicks the crap out of Marci. Betty 'wants to be part of the solution, not part of the problem', and she thinks of her mother as a liar for leaving the door unlocked for her, and then she runs away. There'll be hell to pay when she gets home...

The title, Butterflies, seems so apt. The girls are colorful, flamboyant, and flit around all over the place, being funny, young, daft and rebellious. It's not all sunshine and flowers though. This is women's fiction, and it's steeped in nostalgia for the girls of that generation, and possibly a source of interest and insight for their parents and offspring too. An enjoyable read ... backed.

Possible nits: 'better then [than] staying'. Try to avoid cramming a lot of names and facts into a sentence, as here, 'Betty was petting Sunny's dog a red Cocker Spaniel, Frankie, named after Frank Sinatra'. 'anymore then [than] Marci did'. 'losing her patients [patience]'.

Hilary -

Butterflies - Gosh, that period was explosive. I seem to remember some parent having a hard time, too. Rainy is an angry teen , not surprising. With your next edit, you could sharpen things. Comes naturally when you go through the chapters again. Just one little example from the beginninng ... try ... Rainy's mother said, Where do you think you are going?' Stronger and more immediate, especially since Rainy picks on the sentence and challenges mother's attitude. Best success with the work.

Backed (already backed you other book), Pia - Course of Mirrors

Dear Hilary
I loved Butterflies, though I've not read past the first chapters, I plan on doing so, and believe it has amazing potential. I wish you all the very best of luck and much success with your fine work.
Backed with utmost pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

A great cover and an entertaining read. The brisk dialogue brings the characters swiftly alive and ensures the reader keeps focussed.
There's nostalgia too for those of us around in the sixties and this will appeal to all who enjoy a light-hearted read. I'm not absolutely sure forty years is quite authentic to be called 'historical' but that's just my thought. Whatever, your writing skills zing this along and it is well worth backing. Margaret.

Butterflies

Hilary Entley


What a pleasant cover Hilary! This seems like a rich, heartwarming story. Loved your quote, "To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." E.E. Cummings
I'm of course all for girl power! "What's dumb is your dialect. And It's gotten worse since you started being with those hippies." Ha! Some echoes here from the past! I like this very much - clever, entertaining, educational. Happy to have backed you and all the best with it.

Hi Hilary

You really get across the sense of the period and of the girls' different characters. Maybe because I'm middle aged, I must say I sympathise more with the parents than I do with the girls! But it is enjoyable, well-written and with good natural dialogue. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Hilary,
Butterflies is historical fiction which takes place in the 1960's. Now that's very modern for the genre. Your writing is very believable as if it came out of someone's journal, but it couldn't have been mine. Backed.

Thank you!

Hilary,
Butterflies is historical fiction which takes place in the 1960's. Now that's very modern for the genre. Your writing is very believable as if it came out of someone's journal, but it couldn't have been mine. Backed.

Since I was a teenager in the sixties, this book was like a trip in a time machine for me. I like the way the story begins with dialogue, planting the reader firmly in the plot and riveting their attention. The characters are well-formed and must have come from real life.
Eric Wilder - Prairie Sunset

Thank you! Some of the girls' lives and Danny's are stories from my own, I won't pick and choose which ones. I really did want to connect with the people that were really there too. I'm glad I could do that.

I like your pitch but to call it historical fiction is a bit much, you should call it contemporary fiction if I have got the full picture of your story - and I like what I read so I'm backing your book and it's such a good cover - thank you and good luck - perhaps you could have a look at some of my books , I would appreciate a comment !

I call it historical fiction because I took REAL events and out them in here ( hence the reference to Forrest Gump) I did my research on route 66 also. The places they went are real places along 66. Fiction because of the story.

Since I was a teenager in the sixties, this book was like a trip in a time machine for me. I like the way the story begins with dialogue, planting the reader firmly in the plot and riveting their attention. The characters are well-formed and must have come from real life.
Eric Wilder - Prairie Sunset

I like your pitch but to call it historical fiction is a bit much, you should call it contemporary fiction if I have got the full picture of your story - and I like what I read so I'm backing your book and it's such a good cover - thank you and good luck - perhaps you could have a look at some of my books , I would appreciate a comment !

Reminds me of junior high and a little like high school. I was a couple of years younger than the girls in your book, but much of the insanity of the rules, crazy bitches like Marci, and clueless teachers painted the scene of my youth as well. Naming the principal "Don Kirshner" was perfect: the pop producer who brought the world the Monkees and other teeny-bopper acts. Frankly, he looked like a school principal. Anyway, you have a good start here. I'm glad you uploaded the complete text. I can come back and continue with the journey. Backed for now.

WOW!!!! I bet you're the only person to have caught that too, SO COOL!!! Will you be my best friend?!?!?! LOL!!

This is a keenly written story that evokes the era very well. Very believable characters and vivid scenes. Convincing dialogue. Backed.

Reminds me of junior high and a little like high school. I was a couple of years younger than the girls in your book, but much of the insanity of the rules, crazy bitches like Marci, and clueless teachers painted the scene of my youth as well. Naming the principal "Don Kirshner" was perfect: the pop producer who brought the world the Monkees and other teeny-bopper acts. Frankly, he looked like a school principal. Anyway, you have a good start here. I'm glad you uploaded the complete text. I can come back and continue with the journey. Backed for now.

Hi Hilary
Some nice characters with some wonderful descriptions of the era. Great cover too. The dialogue between the friends is cheery and realistic. This has a real 'feel good' aura to it.
DP Walker
Five Dares