Miao Shan

Your novel takes me to a distant place and culture that I may never see otherwise. Thank you. However, significant edits will be required to bring the story to life for an English audience. More description of the places, people and landscape that helps the reader to feel they are in China/Hong Kong in the 1800s, describe the difference between city and rural China, contracts the Monks temples and the tentament housing. Keep going, bring this story to life.

Joe Cool

"Never fear for me Po Po, I can defend myself, remember?" Lei Wan is one fascinating character. You have an intriguing book here. She will train in Shaolin style Kung Fu and become a spiritual master as well. This reads like a cross between a Jackie Chan movie script and the Dream of the Red Chamber. We encourage compassion. Well done! Backed for now.

Brilliant! You know who you are.

Ariel

Miao Shan
I like your pitch and writing
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf

this is amazing. i love the story, but since it is a period piece let us see the china of the 1890's. the mixing of old world and european world. the cart, the horse, and the newest invention: the car.

other than that piece of advice, wonderful job.

me

This is very interesting a quite good - it's like a fleshed-out human interest piece. My only suggestion is that you better develop the scene at the beginning of each chapter, slow down a bit and give a taste of what things look like, smell like, sound like etc. Other than that, you're well on your way - this is great!

Best Wishes,
Ian Kraft
(The Freel of Streel)

Lo,

A simple story, well told and, for me, a fascinating insight into a culture I am not familiar with.

Backed

Lo Lei, this is my favorite type of book. A book that takes me somewhere else and shows me a different type of life. Thanks for trusting the reader with the language.

Dear Lo Lei,
Your first chapter was gripping and the cops' dialogue was well done for English being your second tongue, but the second chapter felt like I was reading scenes from a film script because it jumped ahead three times. I didn't mind though, because after reading your pitch I really wanted to see what happened. I love your premise. All of us women like to see a girl kick some butt. I have a secret fantasy of learning kung fu one day. I also just started meditating and it is changing my life rapidly. I spent some time in China, too and fell in love with it. This is why your book caught my eye.
I backed Miao Shan a few weeks ago. I apologize for taking so long to comment. I wish you the best of luck and I think this would make a great film.

Christa

I'm short on time right now for commenting but really enjoyed what I read and I'm more than happy to back this. Just looking quickly at the comments below and English is your second language?? Ye Gods.....you write better than most people who have it as their first!

Lo Lei, this is simply an amazing work. I struggle to master my own language, let alone the fact that you are truly adept at English as well as your native tongue. Your genius truly inspires us all. If the editors here do not recognize your brilliance, and publish you world-wide at once, then shame on them! I do hope someday to meet you!

Nia Ryan
Past President, Venice Beach Writer's Club
Author "Final Arrangements"

A stunning start to your story revealing a horrible slaying of a family. I think you write this well as English is second language. This is a well prepared story and you have put lots of action into your plot, very comendable. I hope this does well for you.
Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley _ I hope you like it

A fascinating subject that I know nothing about, so it's doubly enjoyable to read! BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Excellent opening to what promises to be a fabulous work.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Lo Lei,

Great opening chapter. You write with the steely economy of all the best writers in the thriller-type genre, and set your story up very well indeed. Great short pitch. More than happy to give you my backing.

Regards

NA 'A Red Sky in Morning' & 'Tales of Ordinary Sadness'

HI. Excellent work. There is a solemn feeling of remorse for your characters and yet it is a wonder to read. I have noted the comments below and they cover everything I wanted to say. This is not the sort of writing I would normally read but I was drawn in almost immediately. The description of the murder is a dark and concentrated affair.

I will be back to read more in a few days but I say BACKED now any way because this is an excellent read.

My God; what a first chapter. I am still shaking from being inflicted by this fearsome reality! So well written and convincing. Faultless writing. Well done Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

Hi Lo Lei. I loved your style of writing. The story is engaging and heart rendering at the same time. I thought it was awful for Lei to lose her parents and then on her return from the monastry to find PoPo had been killed too. Backed and best of luck with this! Maria (Cosmic Linx)

I can't imagine writing a whole book in something other than my native language. I am genuinely impressed. I won't worry about spotting typos or misspellings here - that is already being taken care of for you. I do want to say, however, that I love the stark contrast between the soft and gentle images of Lei and her Po Po and the violence of the death of her parents. I am also tickled to learn the meaning of the words "om mani padme hum." I was told long ago that the words didn't mean anything, that they were just sounds to chant for meditation, so I never tried to find their meaning. Now I know!

I will be reading this with pleasure and interest. I appreciate your backing, and I will return the favor.

MY DEAR LO LEI' MIAO SHAN
i have read the first chapter and onl;y the library is closing soon i would read more as i am enjoying and immershed on the sensitive and moving story despite the horror as i read;
words like DEMONS , BLOOD AND DEATH intrigue me
have you BANSH;EES there as well as here in IRELAND?
BACKED WITH PLEASURE --TOM 'FROM HUGS TO KISSES'

MY DEAR LO LEI' MIAO SHAN
i have read the first chapter and onl;y the library is closing soon i would read more as i am enjoying and immershed on the sensitive and moving story despite the horror as i read;
words like DEMONS , BLOOD AND DEATH intrigue me
have you BANSH;EES there as well as here in IRELAND?
BACKED WITH PLEASURE --TOM 'FROM HUGS TO KISSES'

Clever, moving, well thought out, you have talent and a subject obviously close to your heart. Are you a Kung Fu master, Lo? Backed by Brammers, The Kingdom Within

I really enjoyed chapter 1, but let me double check this from chapter 2. When she is somewhere between 10 and eleven years old, and after less than a year's training, her kung fu master says "one day soon she will surpass me" ? I'm not sure that's entirely credible. I also found the "once she had achieved enlightenment" a bit odd. I wonder what you mean by 'enlightenment'?

Hi Lo Lei, The narrator voice can tell this action while recalling Lei’s position during it and her way of seeing it. It’s a mix that makes the reading brisk, gives the details of the political atmosphere, yet renders the horror as if known for the first time. I felt acquainted with the characters early on. When these horrors are told, the psychological aftermath is not usually followed up. This storyline is fascinating for that while you’ve brought the issue of compassion in the first chapter and the neglect of the psychological wound by the adults excepting the grandmother. Well-rendered! Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Lovely first chapter. Backed with very best wishes,
M
- Weekend Chimney Sweep
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

Backing with pleasure!

Hi Lo,
I relly enjoyed reading this. Your style is clean and simple with no extra 'fluff' to fill it out. You get straight to the point and draw the reader in immediately. I look forward to reading more, but am happy to back for now.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

Hi Lo Lei
I have spent a lot of time in the Far East and am fascinated with the Triads. There is a lot of triad fiction around but this is up there with the best of them. This is emotional, powerful and poignant and a really original tale.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Liked what I've read so far, you've got some really awesome storylines in this and I felt like I've learned something with this. Your narrative voice is nice, it flows along and kept me involved in your story. This is something I don't know much about so this was a real treat and I read all you have posted. Great job and thanks for adding something different to the mix.

Missy

Miao Shan
Lo Lei

Lei,
You've asked me to look at your revised pitches and here is my view, for what it's worth, bearing in mind that I am no expert, and that I am still working on mine!

"When ten year old Chow Lei witnessed her parent’s murder at the hands of Triads she was scarred for life. Follow her journey to justice!"
I would use the present tense in the short pitch, "parent's" should be "parents' " and I think "murder" should be "murders" because two parents were murdered, right? My re-write: "When ten year old Chow Lei witnesses her parents' murders at the hands of Triads she is scarred for life."
"Follow her journey to justice!" with the exclamation mark at the end puts me off a little. I would replace this with something like, "She vows to obtain justice."

Long pitch:
"When ten year old Chow Lei witnessed her parent’s brutal murder at the hands of Hong Kong Triad members she was emotionally scarred for life. Her grandmother adopted her and attempted to help the child heal emotionally, but only when Chow Lei joined a Shaolin Kung Fu school did any emotional healing occur.

After a year of training her grandmother reticently agreed to sent her to the Shaolin Temple. Lei had continued to do prove at the Temple an aptitude for martial arts and a lack of compassion. At the Temple she was renamed Miao-Shan, from a legend about the Chinese Buddhist Goddess of compassion, Guan Yin.

Once she had reached enlightenment she returned home to her grandmother, only to discover that she too had been brutally murdered by the Triads.

In her search for Justice against the Triads she discovered that her soul was made of a shard of Guan Yin’s soul and a shard of Guan Yu’s, and that she was a new Bodhisattva (Living Godess), of Justice!"

The first line of your long pitch is more or less a repitition of your short pitch - you need not repeat what you've already said in the short pitch and again, I would use present tense in the long pitch. The structure of some of your sentences is a bit worrying - "Lei had continued to do prove at the temple..." - is something missing here? Also, you do not need the exclamation mark after "Justice" at the end of the long pitch, and "Justice" should begin with a common "j".

All in all, this reads much better than the first set of pitches and I was happy to have a look at it.
Hope my suggestions have been helpful Lei.
Best wishes,
Zan

Fantastic! There have been very few good stories written about the monks of Shaolin, one of the most fascinating stories in Eastern history. I studied many aspects of their history when I began writing my own story about Europe's warrior-monks, particularly the legends of the Lin Kuei, and I was very tempted to write a story based upon them. This is a powerful and compelling work, Lo, I hope it does well. Backed with pleasure.

Jack Hughes
Dawn of Shadows

Harrowing, there is no other word for it. Superby written and heart-wrenching to read.

Be stupid not to shelf such fine writing.

Melxxx
Impeding Justice

I finished reading chapter 1 last night -- my heart is still lodged up in my throat, my stomach still is in knots. The gruesome and violent murder of Lei's parents, right before her eyes, is an extremely powerful and psychologically jarring scene. Knowing that this story is based on real-life events makes it all even more captivating and emotional.

If such a tragedy actually happened to you and your family, I'm deeply impressed that you have gained the strength to write about it. Healing through art.

How could I not read on? Backed!

Best,

Greg
Notes on an Orange Burial (a tragicomedy)

The hardest thing, in life, is to say and do more with less...this marvellous work does it wonderfully well!
Backed with pleasure. Good Luck.
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book.

A very good read. I don't go very much for fantacy - except Harry Potter of course! - but I like this one; it is different and extremely well written. There is psychological depth in the MC that has the reader wanting to delve deeper and discover even more.

For what you have posted so far you have captured the essence of the time period very nicely. You explore the psychological trauma and build the character of chow well and what she has to go through in order to survive. Your fantasy thriller is well paced, well written and a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

This is the second book today I've read that I can most definitely picture as a movie. What a horrific scene for any child to have to witness, and for that I'm sorry. Thank God you had your PoPo.

Wonderful book and happily backed
Denise

Would you mind having a look at my book "Road to Redemption: From Cop's Daughter to Convicted Felon"?

Lo

This is very good. I like the little language bits and the emotion and sadness of Lei is very well told. This is simple yet quite effective.

Good writing

backed

Hi Lo Lei, this is a really excellent read. Well-written and researched, with a great MC in Chow Lei.

I didn't think you needed to repeat the word, 'beautiful' (child and mother). You could just say he said she took after her mother, as you have already described the child as beautiful in the sentebce before.

I was surprised to read Om mani Padme hum, as this is the mantra of Avalokiteshwara, or Chen Resig, in Tibetan Buddhism, the Bodhisattva of compassion. According to the story, K (G)uan Yin (Tara in sanskrit, Dolma in Tibetan) was born of his compassionate tear. I think she has her own mantra? And would that mantra be in Chinese, not Tibetan/sanskrit ( from the sanskrit Om: the sound of God, Mani: a jewel. Padme: The lotus, Hum expression of being). Just a few thoughts.

I hope this is useful.

Backed with pleasure.
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Well done, backed. Sorry time today prevents a proper review. Lara, Good For Him

Welcome aboard, Lo. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch works better without the second sentence. The long pitch needs to be broken down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Miao Shan
Lo Lei

This reminds me of "Streetfighter" - several similar elements as far as plot is concerned.

The scene with the five men brandishing meat cleavers is effective, with Lei Wei hiding in the laundry basket. Poor child, her parents murdered and her dreams now filled with demons , blood and death.
Mrs. Fat, the grandmother, is delightful and you portray her well. After reading your pitches and first chapter I can still hear her chant "On Mani Padme Hum. On Mani Padme Hum..."
Lei Wei is a likeable little girl and the reader warms easily to both characters.

Good job so far and I enjoyed it. Happy to have placed it on my bookshelf and all the best in finding a publisher.

Very captivating story, As I was reading I began to imagine perfectly as the story unfolded. Backed and Best Wishes!

NJ Capaldi
Crescent Heart

gruesome! yet so captivating. Starts off as serene leading you to the grim death of Lei's mother and father.
Very well written, I must say.
Backed!
Toni

It begins so tranquilly and lulls us with the lovely narration until we almost forget we're reading a thriller. Not for long, though. You describe horrors in a dead-pan tone which makes them much worse. It's a very clever device. Lei promises to be a sympathetic and fascinating character, but also a little terrifying, perhaps? Backed. Lynn

Think this is great and I’d be having bad dream if I’d seen what she saw
Read up to her going to the temple and I didn’t feel to blink twice the storyline moved that fast. Can help thinking you would be better dating the timeline then adding months (I found myself asking 6 months or 1 month from when?) however it doesn’t detract from a great story. – Good luck

Fast paced, flowing and distinctively different. I have liked what I have read. Personally I would give it a good edit and polish to give it the sheen it deserves.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

This is a wonderful story Lo Lei, I have backed it with pleasure
Helen

Lo WOW and hello. this is a very different read, congrats on that. Well crafted and I see you have done a lot of research into this book. Your depiction of the characters, vivid, animated and still in my head. You have given your reader a glimpse into another world with great color. thank you for that. BACKED for sure.........My book is of a different genre but that is the beauty of this site, and if you could 'review' and 'comment' and BACK it, I would be so happy. Again BEST OF LUCK with your book

Denise
The Letter