The River

I am absolutely speechless. I want to write a journal to you explaining my love for this. The voice is so clear and distinct the writing is impossible to let go. It flows like the Mississippi, fast and deep and curving, bowing and twisting, wide with meaning. This is the type of writing I am envious. The kind that sweeps me away and won't let go. Empty praise this is not. This is a masterpiece. To my shelf this MUST GO!!

Rachel May
Going Twice

apocalyptic opening segues into jake and his lover and his wifebeating dad.

astonishing premise.

the writing is clear, uncluttered.

"he concluded... that tears were pointless.." a moment combining great warmth with great coldness, a difficult effect to pull off. but you do, it is a real moment, true. good stuff.

you mix visionary outllandishness with the mundane.

shelved for ambition, energy, a great read.

Hi there,
This really is very good and I wish I'd got to it sooner. It's a compelling read, deep and dark. What an imagination you have to create these characters, it's creepy and sinister but riveting. You have created the atmosphere of a horror, this is well written, it has a professional feel to it and I would definitely buy it in a book shop. I am shelving this and am keen to read on.
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Woah! This is awesome! Great job, seriously. I love love love chapter one, especially the last line. I felt like I was in a Pink Floyd song or something. Good job. I love the transition in chapter two (the bit about "the director's cut of gloom" gets a gold star too). This is going up on the shelf for sure. Backed and backed.

Melissa
Burns Like the Sun

Fascinating and different. Amazing. It was like a deep dark symphony drawing one in. (And why does your writing make people use quite inapt similes?) There was a jarring note in the symphony that I noticed, a paragraph in chapter 2, about gloom. It was out of place, too light. It jarred. Aside from that there were hardly any errors, a few typos in Ch 5 (8) I noticed, and in Ch 42, 'bully's' should be 'bullies.'
A most unusual read. Well done. Backed. Marj.

Fantastic pitch which I loved and wasn't disappointed. The opening scenes are unsettling and beautifully written with vivid imagery. And it touches something in all of us- what if we had the power to change everything to our way of thinking with just a single thought Excellent.

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Lewis, I think you have an interesting idea with the River. It reminds me a little of Neo from the Matrix (minus the sci-fi aspects) but I was a fan of the concept then as well. Each chapter ends on a point that will make the reader want to turn the page and that's big for me. Watch your main character's voice - I'm not sure, is he strong, a wise guy, weak...he seems to shift a little so I would like to see you develop his presence just a little more.
Good luck,
Patricia Fulton
ton ton macoute

The River...

An aside: do you have permission to use the song lyrics, etc. you've used? If not, you need it, and permission often costs.

In your first real chapter, I get a sense of a unique writing voice. This is great, because unique voices are hard to find, and I think they're what agents and publishers are looking for. Bravo!

However, I do think you can improve the actual writing. Can't we all? Excellent writing is a journey without a final destination, and it's a damn good thing that the journey is so magical.

To bump up this novel to the next level (which, IMHO, would be the excellent level), I recommend Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King, rather than relying on authonomy feedback. Authonomy feedback, by its very nature, isn't always as brutally honest as it should be (for an hilarious look at this issue, you must read Night of the Earwig, here on authonomy.)

The recommended book will help you to eliminate your adverbs and the italics for emphasis (neither of which is recommended), among other things.

You have a great story and you have a unique voice (I'm envious). I think it's your writing voice that's giving you all the kudos you've received to date. Build on that special gift and make this novel even better than it is.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions now that I'm sooo close to the Editor's Desk. I want the novel to be the best it can be before it gets there.)

The River...

Commenting as I go along...

Loved your pitch (although don't take my kudos here as gospel, because I'm pitch-challenged.)

Loved the actual writing in your Prologue (except for the italics for emphasis), but am wondering whether you need it. Won't have an opinion on that until I've read more....

Wow! This opening is amazing! I would shelve it just based on that alone! Your use of words is facinating and amazing! I was drooling just after just the first paragraph! Well done!

A read of your first chapter... the most striking prologue I've read in a long time, almost hearkening back to how prologues were used in the classics. Lyrical and striking - it draws us into its coils. I'll come back for another chapter, but just wanted you to know I've shelved and read chapter one. Speak soon

P

Hello Lewis,

Your writing is amazing, lyrically I should say. And your imagination blows the mind. From chapter one, to Sophie and Jake agonising over his arm slashing, to Jake’s story about his father, your story flew so smoothly that the sense of horror in the story can easy be lost, making reader comfortable in finding out what the next horror would be.

The unfolding plot is wide, taking one from far flung concept to another, but in a smooth manner that I applaud. This descriptive ability combined with your effective dialogue and narrative to bring out the best qualities in this story.

You have my admiration and your story is certainly one to return to later.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Hi Lewis
This rocks! A captivating read with mesmerising story telling, a brilliant underlying idea supported by strong and intriguing characters. I think you tick all of the boxes. Tip top!
Good luck
Ian

Lewis,

I’m often partial to a good going horror – this is shaping up very nicely indeed. It’s darkly brooding at the moment, but I have a sneeking suspiscion it’ll burst into a chiller pretty shortly. As long as you’ve maintained the suspense you’re building in these opening chapters, great – you’ll let no one down. I liked what I’ve read so far, and since you’ve been kind enough to load up a few chapters, I’ll read on. Just my kind of thing. The only thing I’d suggest is that you take out some of the ellipses you’ve dotted your dialogue with – it tends to make it look a bit melodramatic - but apart from that I wouldn’t change anything.

For now, I’ll spare some space on my amazing revolving shelf. Best of luck.

--Jack Ramsay (Brogan's Crossing)

Hi Lewis. In The River, we are drawn into a dark, sinister world. Jake certainly has some issues. I liked the prologue. This gathers interest and carries the reader forth. Chapter two has an extended conversation between Jake and Sophie. The following chapter appears to be written from the perspective of a younger Jake. I think the interchange between Sophie and Jake in two was a bit prolonged. There is also excessive usage of what I would call "dialogue description". In other words, too much voiced hesitations captured by the usage of ellipsis. I'd just simplify it some. You have a very dark, intense tone and a very good storyline here. Keep up the good work. I'll shelf this for originality and quality of writing.

Randy
(Buttermilk Moon)

I absolutely agree with your cherry-picked commentators. This is a dark ride, very well written, extremely well drawn characters, and quite, quite original. I was expecting it to be some sort of Gothic thing. Or a bit like Donnie Darko. And it does share characteristics in common with that film: the idea of life as a dream of kinds, and us as already dead but still to realise it. Obviously, the notion of the River, in which Jake is immersed, and especially the questions laid out in your very atmospheric prologue make this a different kettle of fish altogether, and an effortless read because so compelling. Bookshelved without hesitation.

Bren Verrill
The Weird Problem of Good.

Ingenious. This is a wonderful premise with philosophical elements. Your writing is above and beyond. This should be picked up and published. I'm actually impressed beyond words. Obviously a book for my shelf.

Heidi
(Turning Red)

apocalyptic opening segues into jake and his lover and his wifebeating dad.

astonishing premise.

the writing is clear, uncluttered.

"he concluded... that tears were pointless.." a moment combining great warmth with great coldness, a difficult effect to pull off. but you do, it is a real moment, true. good stuff.

you mix visionary outllandishness with the mundane.

shelved for ambition, energy, a great read.

Yes, all right, you scoundrel. I have nothing useful to say here, except for two observations: 1) change 'ad nauseum' to 'ad nauseAm', you silly fucker; and 2) I read 'Jake, lemme in' in chpt 2 as 'Jack Lemmon'. This is neither useful, nor interesting, but it tickled me. I can see this going somewhere. Fuck knows where, but I suspect the journey will be fun. Now sod off back underground and finish it. I'll give you a kick upwards with a spin on the sesty shelf. Best of luck with it - sestius

Lewis,
This is one of those creepy stories that you just can't stop reading. You keep peeling back the layers and there is just more underneath. Compelling, thought provoking and enticing. Good luck with this! On my shelf.
Jeff

Hi Lewis! The best part of your writing is your very visual style. Well done! I have to love descriptions like "eggshell blue sky had turned scab red." And I could see the "skin" part that followed. I don't think I'll sleep tonight. :) The only note that didn't ring true to me was early on, in Chapter 1 actually. "It was cold and gloomy." I'd lose that sentence. Your following sentences are strong enough, and that one little sentence made me think of Snoopy. Sorry. That's me. I always find the single thorn in the bouquet of roses. And your book is a rose. Good luck with it and your writing!

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

I'm really impressed with this, Lewis. The prologue prose was downright lyrical and filled to the brim with tension. The writing in the chapters that followed was good as well, smooth and easy to follow. Keep up the good work!

Matt

Lewis, I'm glad you convinced me to come back and take a second look at this. I think you've touched something primeval here, something dark, threatening, menacing yes, but also something fundamental and necessary. The writing flows, the talent's clear, but you've used it for something else, perhaps something even undefinable.
It's not comfortable to read but then I doubt it's supposed to be. The love is there, among the horror, and the ending - well, a rush to the head!
This is pretty unique, I think, and worth a shelving for that alone.
xx
Cas.

Hi there,
This really is very good and I wish I'd got to it sooner. It's a compelling read, deep and dark. What an imagination you have to create these characters, it's creepy and sinister but riveting. You have created the atmosphere of a horror, this is well written, it has a professional feel to it and I would definitely buy it in a book shop. I am shelving this and am keen to read on.
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

I am absolutely speechless. I want to write a journal to you explaining my love for this. The voice is so clear and distinct the writing is impossible to let go. It flows like the Mississippi, fast and deep and curving, bowing and twisting, wide with meaning. This is the type of writing I am envious. The kind that sweeps me away and won't let go. Empty praise this is not. This is a masterpiece. To my shelf this MUST GO!!

Rachel May
Going Twice

Lewis,

This is dark, disturbing stuff. Written with real authority, perhaps even anger. Putting this on my shelf for the quality of the writing alone and looking forward to reading more. I'm a little on the fence (I've only read the prologue and chapter 1) at the moment, but there is talent here, and I look forward to reading more. Deserves, on literary merit alone, to get more attention. I'm also going to plug The River on the forum:

http://www.authonomy.com/Forum/postEdit.aspx?forumId=4&postId=477424&pageNumber=1

Best,
Martin.
(My House on the Fjord)

This is compulsive reading with plenty of hooks to tempt me in further. Cleverly written and on my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hi Lewis.

Original commanding tone. Distinctive concepts. You thrust the reader into an altered awareness. The world has already ended. We all live in a dream that no longer exists. Our perception of life is really a memory of the past. Who couldn't continue to find out reality? Unexpected shift into your showing us the answers instead of continuing to state your theories. This stimulates reader's analytical skills to pick up the answers from your creative story. Your story writing style is as though the characters are actually thinking instead of polished trite prose. Interesting for Sophie to approach Jake to discuss her concerns, and be taken off guard because he looks like a ghost. Great conflict as she was accustomed to Jake protecting her and now his apartment and he made her feel damnation. Hook to have blood run down his hand. Great cliff hanger with the Fury being his dad. Excellent ability to cause reader to think deeper.

On my shelf. Good luck.
Spirit Prisoners.

Hi Lewis

Came to see how you broke it up...definitely better now!!!! Well done!

Cheers
Elaina

I like this, but chapter 1 is waayyyy too long. You should really consider breaking it up to ease the reading experience. Your prologue is BRILLIANT!

Shelved.
Elaina
Gathering of Rain

Hi Lewis.
Formidable writing talent here, there's no denying it. I'm just not sure quite where you're trying to go with it. In your book description, you have listed 'romance' but in the fisrt two chapters I certainly didn't see any!
I love some of your imagery, and Jake's experiences came across quite powerfully, but if there was a definitive point then I'm afraid I missed it!
Cas.

Dear Lewis,


I’m dancing. I’m singing. I’m seven years old again. Tee-hee. Thank you, sir. I placed The River on my bookshelf and came here to leave you the notes below. And there to surprise me is Fig Tree on your shelf. Very grateful. I’m struggling to keep my head above water and you have saved my life.

I have read your pitch, synopsis, prologue and first two chapters. Very happy to have The River on my revolving bookshelf. Nice work.

Over the past five months I have spent three hundred hours providing page-long critiques but can no longer keep up with the volume.

So I’m trying another way of passing on information.

I will attempt to do better than critique your work by indicating how you might judge it yourself. Rather along the lines of give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, feed him for life. You may or may not agree with everything and I admit I do not always stick to these thoughts either.

What I have set out below are guide-lines based on what I myself have learnt from being published.

The pitch is critically important as among the book-lists which editors scan, your pitch stands alone with no support from the synopsis. I write the synopsis first, because a key sentence there is usually appropriate for the pitch.

A synopsis is not a dust-jacket advertisement. Aimed at a professional editor, it is a no-nonsense summary of what happens in the novel, including how the novel ends. Don’t leave the editor dangling and don’t ask her questions. Tell her.

Somerset Maugham said, ‘There are three rules for writing a successful novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.’

Correct. There are no rules for creativity. Think of Richard Bach’s Jonathon Livingstone Seagull. So way out, so creative it was rejected over a hundred times. Then it became a best seller.

There is one criterion though……. entertainment. Our writing must entertain from the very first sentence. There is no other reason for story-telling whether around a camp fire or in print..

I have struggled nine years to write three novels. Each written three times. One published, one lying fallow, Fig Tree currently in the process of being rewritten for the fifth time. Two literary agents requested the full manuscript but threw it back at me for narrative story telling. So I am rewriting, converting narrative to dialogue.

Based on what has happened to me, these are my thoughts on what editors want from us…………….


Plunge directly into the story. Do not set the scene or back-story first. When we go to a play and the curtain rises, we don’t see stage hands putting the props in place. The stage is already set. Likewise our opening paragraphs to the reader, the actors should immediately get on with it.

I have found that our opening chapter isn’t necessarily the first one we write. It might only occur to us when the novel is completed.

Let our characters drive the story-telling via dialogue, interplay and direct action. It’s stupid (although I am guilty of this) to have a stage set and silent characters frozen, while an off-stage narrator bores the audience with what is supposed to be happening on the stage.

Write minimal words because research shows that our readers’ brains race ahead of our words, visualizing the scene themselves, anticipating how our sentences end…… four times faster than they are reading. They become bored and frustrated by our overwriting, over description, unnecessary information. (I have been hauled over the coals for this.)

Write tight, sparse, lean, stark, bare bones. Adjectives and adverbs are for people who need a crutch to support their unimaginative nouns and verbs. As far as possible, always seek the appropriate noun and verb.

(Read John Steinbeck’s field notes Journal of a Novel which he jotted down while he was writing East of Eden. He edited out as many adjectives and adverbs as possible, finding the appropriate noun or verb instead.)

And yet, in my rewrite I am horrified to find superfluous words, adjectives, adverbs and general waffling which I am getting rid of. I am embarrassed at my own work.

My vocabulary is poor, so I use Roget’s Thesaurus which is a treasure. A real work-horse and a delight to use. It’s a companion that provides thousands of alternative words. Appropriate nouns and verbs are there for the picking.

Don’t write your scenes. Live them. Experience them. Meditate. Daydream yourself into them Watch what is happening. Listen to what the characters are saying. Smell the sweat or the aroma or whatever. Touch what the characters are touching. What do you feel? Taste the bile, the coffee, or the skin of the lover.

All communication is made through our five senses. I wear earmuffs when I write, to help me leave this world, experience the emotions and the senses and disappear into another universe which is the scene I’m trying to paint.

Are we stirring the emotions of the reader? Feeling is critically important. This can be achieved through good dialogue. Speak your dialogue aloud to hear what it sounds like. Is it natural? Do people really speak like that? Is it too formal? In the real world, we often don’t speak complete sentences. So dialogue can be truncated too to make it more natural.

In my opinion a novel must generate its own momentum, so readers experience it rather than read it. This can be achieved by dreaming it, experiencing it, living it, rather than writing it.

To avoid clumsiness I edit out the past participle ‘had’. I change ‘he had done it’ to ‘he did it’ It seems to make the action more immediate and more relevant.

I also dump words ending in ‘-ly’……. seemingly, clearly, obviously. actually, strangely, finally, eventually………. and all the others. Somehow they weaken our writing and make it vague.

And I am finding that much of the dialogue reads better if the ‘he said, she said’ is deleted.

Taking words out of our sentences and taking sentences out of long narrative paragraphs, in my opinion, is the secret to better writing. I can easily cut my stuff between 20% and 50%.

I learnt this when a literary agent demanded I delete 40,000 words from my first novel of 120,000 words. I was shocked but I cut it back to 80,000 words and the novel was published.

Fig Tree has already shed 16,000 words and I am currently rewriting it for the fifth time, changing the dialogue, cutting the narrative and tightening the writing as much as possible. I might dump another 6,000 words.

You may be interested in The Video Inside Our Heads, which is part of a confession I made about my idiocies in attempting to write. See, ‘How I Wrote and Sold My First Novel’ in Forum’s Writing section. It’s quite insane and you’ll probably laugh at me but it did work and I suppose that’s what matters..

I trust this is better than a critique and provides a bit of food for thought..


Kind regards,



Pierre Van Rooyen.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree.

Hi Lewis,
Like the story concept and think it's got good potential, shelved. All the best,Eric

Loved the first chapter. Will comment more when I get a chance to read further.

What's with chapters 3, 4 and 5 by the way. There's nothing there. Says 'error loading chapter text'.

Always a good idea to comment on other books, if you have the time, and load some books onto your shelf. Also think about plugging your book on the forums.

Good writing but I wondered if you could have got to the point a bit faster in the 1st chapter. The second chapter seems overly long too. Looked like many chapter all on one page. Good luck.