Devils Cave

Dear Beth,

The title ‘Devil’s Cave’ and the tag words, viz. adventure, archaeology, camping, dream walking, mystery and Native Americans will attract a certain kind of readers. I mean, the ones who would lap up a James Rollins or a Clive Cussler any time and would never mind watching Indiana Jones films over and over again. The long pitch will incite their curiosity further.
Trust me, I’m one of them.

Needless to say, I started reading the book with a certain mindset. But end of chapter 1, that outlook changed completely and I began to reassess the genre of what I was reading, but could find no satisfactory answer.
My suggestion:
You should start with Kathy’s recollection of the accident. The overall description of this episode is very real, given the minute details that you’ve included. If rendered well, this will make for a gripping scene and a better opening to your novel.
Also, it should either be in italics or else in regular quotes interspersed with some comments / questions from the others. These things look better if they’re not one-sided. I’d suggest that you use italics and treat this like a separate flashback sequence, replete with dialogue. That way, you can take the reader to the moment instead of telling him how it all went. And try to shorten the rest of chapters 1 and 2. That will help to move the story forward at a good pace.

I’ve read the first two chapters and just started reading the third. I can see that you’ve followed a pretty linear narrative and true to your pitch, you’ve devoted a substantial part of the book to Rae and Kyle’s romance. The way you’ve captured small emotions and expressed them is indeed praiseworthy. And that brings me back to my first paragraph – the title, the tag words and the pitch. I’m afraid that they are at odds with the genre that you’ve chosen, viz. Romance / Fiction / Historical Fiction.

They are two ways of looking at this.
One; you can change the title, the pitch and the tag words adequately to reflect the theme and tone of the narrative.
Two; you can edit and rewrite the whole thing so that it begins to resemble an adventure thrill-ride from the beginning. But, I don’t think that’s what you would like to do. In my opinion, you should consider taking the first option. Whatever you do, you must stay true to the chosen genre.

I must tell you that I’m no expert and quite the first-time writer myself. So, please take my comments on board only if they are relevant.

On the whole, it was a pleasure reading about the romantic overtures between Rae and Kyle. Very well written. I’ll get back to you if I find anything more to add.

Good luck and happy writing.

Regards,
AGC

The voice in this is strong. I loved the line, "If it had been a cartoon, she would have seen green odor fumes rising from his sock." Nice humor. Loved his nickname: Stinky.

Kathy's story is gripping. At this point, I became more interested in what was happening.

I like the start of this as new friends are made, and there's a nice sense of camaraderie.

Nice attention-getter at the end of the first chapter. You've done a good job developing suspense as this chapter progressed. Nice build up. I get the feeling that something big is going to happen soon.

Suggestions: I love the idea behind your opening sentences, but I wonder if you could reword them. "Kathy was excited about seeing Robert" is telling and not very compelling. In fact, the first few paragraphs are all telling. Can you show us this instead? I was a little confused with the line, "Robert, our EMT-A instructor..." because this reads as third person, yet the use of "our" in this sentence is in first person. Which one is it? There are quite a few characters introduced right away, and it's difficult to keep them straight. Can you spread this out? Or maybe cut a character or two? It's tough to make any strong connections with any single character in the opening pages. Also, the way you describe each character takes too long. I'd start right away with conflict rather than descriptions of your characters. Along the same lines, I wonder if you're starting this story in the right place? Maybe it should start a little later? Just a thought.

Typos: "Nickname" is one word. Should be "nice-looking." Any time you have two words serving as a single adjective, it needs to be hyphenated. When a single character is speaking, keep all of their dialogue together. If you start a new paragraph, it looks like someone else is responding to that character. Should be: Rae yelled back, "No way am I..."

Solid start! It was a pleasure reading this.

Hi Beth - I was taken with the action-adventure element to your story first of all; it reminded me of a lot of press trips I had in earlier days, with lots of activities and weird characters (now where have I seen Ron before!), and that's an excellent hook for your story. The mystical element to your tale is played down at first - and I think that's to your advantage, as it comes in later

Best

P

Beth,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

There are sevral devices working for you here:

.....the use of a single image to paint a mind image

.....the methodic use of description and body language to create an emotional map of your characters

and

...a dialogue that is punchy at times and naturalistic at other times.....

..... which works to arch the character descriptions

and is that mix what makes your characters worth reading....

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

"a jerk" "nearly fainted" "sad beginning"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he use body language to describe...the reader feels

"big crush" "nice waistline" "soft green eyes" "small flashlight"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

Good painting of the setting and characters to start. You do a fine job of describing actions in as few words as possible. The dialogue is interesting enough to hold attention, but could be filled out with some more realistic transitions. I have a hard time telling whether the characters are quirky or just like poking fun. It would probably help if you gave each a more varying sense of humor. I also don't see any conflict yet--romance is only sweet if the couple goes through hell first.

You are a good writer and I notice some good voice shining through, but you need to slow down a bit to display it perfectly. This has the bones of a promising story. Thicken the bulk, add additional storylines, and determine what you want to focus on. Good luck and keep writing!

Joel Juedes- Purple Eyes

Hi Beth,

Sorry about the blank messages, the system was playing up.

This could be a good story but there are technical issues in the first section which need to be sorted.

First, you need to make up your mind which viewpoint you are going to use. It’s almost all in third person but there are occasions when it slips into first person as in ‘Robert OUR emt-a instructor’ and ‘calling to ME’. There are a few other places where I or me is used.

There are places where speech marks are used when no one is speaking. If you need to use quotation marks where there is no speech use the opposite kind, in this case single quote marks.

The names Rae and Ron are similar enough to be confusing. If it were my story I’d change one of them – which wouldn’t be Ron, of course (g)
.
Sorry if all this seems to be negative. It is meant to be constructive and I do think the story has a good precept. You just need to work on the writing.

Ron

Hello Beth Anne, I am reading your book with interest and will comment when I've read it all. I am especially interested in your visit to the Grand Canyon because my book is set in the Canyon too. Please take a look at "Rim to Rim -- Death in the Grand Canyon". It may bring back some memories.

Your Indian tie-in is quite interesting.
Jeanne Meeks

Hello Beth Anne, I am reading your book with interest and will comment when I've read it all. I am especially interested in your visit to the Grand Canyon because my book is set in the Canyon too. Please take a look at "Rim to Rim -- Death in the Grand Canyon". It may bring back some memories.

Your Indian tie-in is quite interesting.
Jeanne Meeks

How totally amazing, you are, Beth Anne !! :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for again backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) - could you please ****** mine, too. :) Every ****** -ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf as long as possible because I'm 12 from the editor's desk & trying to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of November :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 20 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 8-1/2 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks earlier this year

Beth Anne, a sweet and romantic tale but with adventure thrown in. Best of luck with this lovely story.

Clare
A Policeman's Lot

Dear Beth Anne,

I think that you are in a good place when you write these books. I like them and know that from what I can tell much experience has been put into them which seems energized by the sense of cycles. I am interested greatly too in the landscapes and the others who can help guide us through them with love and care. Thank you again for sharing your book here with us.

With Love,

Billy McBride

DEVILS CAVE by Beth Anne Wilkins

Such a wonderful book, the quality of your writing is clearly there for all to see.
I am in the middle of reading your other book 'Denver Down' which is a compelling thriller which I am still reading and recomend it to anyone who enjoys a twist in the tail.
I back 'Devils Cave' on just a short read. SHELVED.

Kind regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest - Series)

wow it looks so adventurous! great! i love love stories with a twist! good job dear! want to read more soon :)

again with your 'first' book you write with an original style...on my watchlist...
SEASONS...

So far I'm enjoying this romance novel with its hint of adventures to come.

Patricia

A great premise. The pitch was great and left me wanting more. Another good book Beth Anne. You write very well. Eunice - The Temple Dancer. Backed.

Thank you Beth for backing ETHEREAL. I've backed your other work, book 1, haven't backed this one yet, however, will. Nice, consistent style you have!

blessings,
jim

The interesting storyline is a delight to read. The work builds into an interesting plot. A suggestion is to include a Prologue. The last sentence in the long pitch might provide a good draw for readers. Backed. Chuck

The pitch for this book is fascinating and I will keep it on my watchlist so that I can really do it justice later. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Nice, romantic story. Liked it a lot. Backed for keeping me entertained.

Devils Cave (Book # 2 of 3 books)

Beth Anne Wilkins

"He was gorgeous, she thought. Her heart was beating fast." Love at first sight? No, soulmates forever. I am not a lover of romance novels but you have a creative story which includes spirits from the ice age and lost army soldiers from the Indian wars controlling the weather and animals to add another dimension of creativity to that affecting matters of the heart. They fell in love on the dance floor - then, lost each other and found the real Ice Age. For six months they played in the wilderness having great adventures. Then they tried whitewater rafting and hit a large bolder and were thrown out of the boat. Rae vanished and no one could find her but Kyle knew she was alive - he could feel her deep in his heart. I MISS YOU. The local Indian tribe called their seer Elizabeth to help with the use of Dream Walks and from there, your historical elements regarding the ice age and fantasy injections of spirits and lost army soldiers enter the scene. "To friendships. Kyle said, good friends old and new!" There is a quality about this book which I like even though by outward appearance it is something I would not normally be drawn to. The saying don't judge a book by its cover is a wise one. Best of luck with it.

Dear Beth
your short pitch is just amazing as it fulfills seeling me your book. CONGRATS.
your long pitch really gave me the taste of oyur writing and i had not choice but to read. You have a talent with words for you have created animated characters that really play out your original story in my head

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
I would really appreciate it if you would COMMENT on my work and BACK it if you see fit, if not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with this book of yours
Denise
The Letter

Hi Beth Anne, looks like you did it again...another great read and backed with pleasure.
Lizzie Scott :-)

Dear Beth Ann, You have backed my 2 memoir books & I have backed your other 2 & was sure I had backed this one, but I find no comment, so will try again. :) My husband & I also fell in love on the dance floor . :) You are a fantastic writer & I hope you don't stop, now. :) Love, Susie :)

Beth Anne,
Your story picked up when you got to the wreck. The description of the car with its windshield crushed flat created a vivid picture in the mind. I guess that makes sense, with your nursing background.

Keep working on proofreading. Here is an online source: http://www.grammarbook.com/default.asp,

I noticed you put quotation marks around indirect quotation.

for instance: ...told her, "to press on her cheek to stop the bleeding."

It should be something like this: The nurse told her, "Press the gauze on your cheek to stop the bleeding."

Quotation marks are for the exact words coming out of the speaker's mouth.

You are really writing up a storm! Three books out now. Keep up the creative flow.

Best to you,
Tom

Beth Anne, You've done it again...I love it, as a poet by nature I am a Hopeful romantic...I love your main characters and as I have found out for myself that love at first sight and finding your soulmate that quick does absolutely happen I love this. I was smiling quite a bit. It is so nice to read books with happiness in them, the intrigue is nice as well.

Your dialogue as usual is easy and believable and the pace is perfect moving this right along making it a very pleasant read. I love being swept away to another place and that's what your books do...Well done Backed with Pleasure.....Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

Sounds really exciting! I'm marveling over how you spun this tale. I'll back it and hopefully find time to read through at least part of it.
Thanks for the backing of Abandoned Hearts!

Well crafted and strongly narrated. I enjoy that the charcaters are so under the thrall of each other's emotional mantras.

backed

Dear Beth,
Welcome to authonomy! Your story sounds like a wonderful mix of romance and prehistory. That is a unique and intriguing combination!

If you need any help or get confused about this site (there is a lot to know) please send me an email feed and I'll do my best to help you out.

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Please excuse the following message if I’ve already sent it to you. Sometimes I get confused! Thanks.

Here is your chance to get a double backing. My friend, homewriter, and I have similar taste in writing and trust each other's judgment. Back my book and leave it on your bookshelf. Then do the same for his, "The Harpist of Madrid." Once the backings register, he will give you a return backing guaranteed. Just let him know in an email that you've backed my book as well as his. You might have to be a bit patient as we're 6 time zones apart. But you'll have two backings guaranteed on your excellent book. Of course, comments are always welcome too!