The Mine

Hi Beth Anne,

The authentic use of language in that mine region gives your book a small town flavor. The mine itself holds significance - the main theme being that bad things happen there.

There's an over-all and ongoing theme in fact, that ll the things that go bump in the night -- like being kidnapped, is a heartbeat away in this particular mining town.

I'm very impressed by the authenticity in character development. Shelved.

Cynthia
Sharing Short Stories

Comes across as standard but effective redneck dialogue...Not sure why their captive is so articulate by comparison though! Your story looks interesting enough but some fairly serious editing would seem to be in order. Hope it does well!
Backed
Stewart

I have recieved this same statement from others. the first time I tried to make it more understandable the souther authors said I was spelling all the words wrong and so I went back to study the hillbilly spelling. Now I find if I just say Billy Bobs words out loud I can understand it better. Someone also said I needed to use the same slang for Joe Bob and I changed that quick enough with adding his mother from FL.

Hi Beth,
I can tell you write with passion, your story expresses your complete involvement with the characters. I agree with the other comment about Billy Bob's speech being too hard to read. I loved the story, but skipped most of his dialog because it slowed me down:). I think after editing you'll have a real gem! Backed!
Sincerely,
Heidi
An Unexpected Obsession

Hi Beth,
I can tell you write with passion, your story expresses your complete involvement with the characters. I agree with the other comment about Billy Bob's speech being too hard to read. I loved the story, but skipped most of his dialog because it slowed me down:). I think after editing you'll have a real gem! Backed!
Sincerely,
Heidi
An Unexpected Obsession

Dazzling. A thrilling, dark, edgy tale. Fabulous attention to detail. Well-imagined storytelling. Vivid, believable characters with tense relationships. Compelling dialogue. Intricate plot. A fun read. Backed.

I really enjoy your writing. You must be inspired to keep coming up with such good ideas, which you then craft into great stories. Backed - of course. Eunice.

Hi, Beth,
The Mine is an interesting story, but it reads like a first draft. It also reads like a spoof. I don't see 'humor' among your tags, but really that's the way it strikes me. Having Billy Bob speak as he does should be more suggested than spelled out. Otherwise it's hard to read and is over the top, which adds to the humor. The more I got into the story, the more of a spoof it seemed. Was this your intention? It has the potential of a very good spoof.
Gloria
Finnegan's Quest

The copper stone, the copperhead snake, read on if you dare, it'll give you the shakes. The mine's secrets lay bare as told by Billy Bob, Joe Bob, and be glad your're not there.

For all the distress and the death of the captive girl I found myself wanting to read more about Billy-Bob and his brother. This is so much potential here and the plot twists can be exploited at any time to lengthen or even change things at a later date. Well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Great enjoyable story - liked the read. Backed.

Chapter 1 immediately captured my interest with your introduction of the two brothers, and the woman they kill.. so I had to keep reading.. and found myself wanting to know a little bit more at the end of each chapter - that's why I buy books, for their compelling nature - this one certainly has that special ingredient - Backed
Diane
Good Blood

Although this book has a bit of work to do, in my humble opinion,
I think it will shine through in the end. I have backed it.

Frank James (The Contractor)

"Billy Bob" one of the all time great names that wonderfully begins the description of a character. To write prose in dialogue different from that used in polite society takes great skill. This work exhibits great skill. Storytelling is one of the greatest of art forms (at least I think so), and this work is great. Backed with Pleasure. Chuck

Hi Beth Anne, I have backed this because the idea is good but you do need to do lots of work on this. It's almost like you have put down your ideas but not checked them before posting. There are a lot of punctuation mistakes. Towards the end of chapter one it looks like you have got bored with putting speech marks around speech and have just typed it without any thought. I also struggled with the dialect used for Billy Bob. I understand that he is not quite the ticket, but if you want this to be of interest internationally you need to find a way of making this more readable to everyone. It's a bit like someone in England writing in cockney rhyming slang or Gordie.
Hope these comments help. Good luck
Kristen Stone
Kianda Mala - The Monkey Man

Another great book. Consider it backed. Eunice.

This cracks along at a very fast pace. I found the storyline entertaing and highly readable, but the pace did leave me a bit breathless. I also felt a lack of detail and of character development, the place and the people were just vechiles to take the story along.
The bones of an excellent tale are here, and for that potential I am happy to back it, but I really feel you need to go back and expand your vision, clothe these good bones in some flesh.

I think I may have read backed you before but it is a great yarn, well written and paced just right. Backed, if again, too bad! Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

You have an interesting idea here. I think its a bit too leggy ( wordy) right now. I would suggest reading it back to yourself, aloud , if it helps. Its def a worth while read, and you should keep at it. There is enough here in your work to show that with a little polish you could have a winner.

backed - Clair

I think maybe there is too much information crammed into the first and second chapters, a lot of scene setting. A short scene establishing the origin of the church and that Caleb is the pastor's son would suffice - the death of the pastor's wife is dramatic, but I think you need to prune a lot of the background information to heighten the tension.

I am finding pretty much the same issues with this book as I found with your other one. I really think you need to read your work aloud. That will help you find where you are making your mistakes.

Good luck!
Mike

Dear Beth Anne, Thanks for your message. I missed seeing that you'd posted a new novel, but have now read the first chapter. The story of "The Mine" is true novel material, and I hope you do well with it. If you glance at my shelf, you'll see it there. Addressing your complaint, I have the same frustrations and feel the need for a 'key' to the system. I did learn from the Team that we need Talent Spotter backing to advance much, but even their support doesn't seem to help much. What are the chances with over 5,000 competitors? Please let me know if you have any new insights. Best wishes, Bill

Hi Beth Anne, I'm sorry but The Mine didn't immediately grab me like Denver Down. This doesn't mean that I don't think there is a good story here or that it isn't well written in your taut, succinct style. I guess I don't get too turned on by preachers who test their parishioners faith to destruction. I suppose that's an inherent risk of having more than one book uploaded. It certainly has enough going for it for a backing, so consider that done.
All the Best, Hudson (Pegalore).

hullo Beth Anne. Well written just watch the spellings of some of the 'slang'. I believe that there are websites addressing just that. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

Looks like another good read. Backed with pleasure. Lizzie Scott :-)

I enjoyed your pitch and you write very well. Aside from some misplaced commas this is very polished. I have to say that the first chapter didn't really leave me wanting to read more because of the way it ended. My suggestion would be to put some kind of hook there. I'm going to read more and I'll be back with further comments.

Lacey.

THE MINE is a very readable and fascinating book, full of intrigue...the pitch helps this story too. well done on this work; watchlist for now...
read SEASONS...

The Mine is the most dramatic narrative I've ever come across which takes place in a mine. Backed.

Great pitch and story.
Backed with pleasure.
Dawn,
My Friends and Me / Sammy and the wise Willow

Backed! I can see this as a teen scary movie. Not sure about the two boys' names though: Joe Bob and Billy Joe???? I live in the Ozarks and have never known anyone by those names. Very interesting first chapter with the rock, preacher, and copperhead snake. FYI: Carolyn and I have been up close and not so friendly with copperheads before. A very mean spirited snake!!

CC Brown

Hi Beth Anne, This begins with storytelling that feels as folksy as the mine when it was worked and as current as Caleb's boys. An involving outset with the mystery of the out-of-town girls. The synopsis sounds like an eerie culmination of the crimes. Well-written and happily shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

for something that's totally different, please check out 'the compulsive adventurer'
Thanks
mike

I liked the pitch. It could be tightened up a bit but it's intriguing. I read the first three chapters and chapter eight. I like where the story is heading but I did have a few suggestions. There seems to be a lot of telling in the first part. We might need this backstory but it needs to be introduced in a different manner. I'd suggest starting with the newest missing girl. This grabs our attention and you can slip in backstory in sections.
Your work needs to be tightened and there appears to be a distance in this work that kept me away and I wouldn't mind seeing this change. EXAMPLE: (chapter 8 -- He called to get help telling them, 'To bring good flashlights and some chalk to mark where they search so they wouldn't get lost.' He would park on the roadside and wait.) CHANGE TO -- He made the call. "Make sure they bring flashlights and chalk to mark the area. We don't need anymore lost people." He leaned back and settled in to wait.
Take this with a grain of salt. This is just a quick suggestion but I hope it helps you see that it closes the distance between the reader and your characters. I can't speak for anyone else but I find that I need this closeness when I read. Otherwise I'm afraid that I lose interest over time. As a reader, I need to feel the fear of the missing woman, the concern of the people trying to find her, the evil of the men trying to harm her. This is instinctively what will make me keep turning the page.
You have most of the ingredients here to make an excellent story. I look forward to seeing more of your work. Backed. Good luck.
Jenny

Great premise and certainly a compelling read so far! backed with pleasure.

liz
The Cheech Room

Compared to your previous novel, this one reflects a good deal of telling at the onset. I remember the gripping feeling I had reading Denver Down, which delivered on all counts, in my opinion. Representing action with more dialogue and specific scenes would give me a sense of character and place. I'm in no one's head, but sometimes, that's okay. It's worked for some storytellers, so I am probably just spoiled in the point-of-view department. If you're going for the objective, an epic pov if handled with skill, you might think of it as camera eye rather than a need to give the full history of everything right up front. These are just suggestions, mind you, and worth what you paid to hear them. I am a big fan of yours, and I'm still watching Denver.

Yours, Memphis Girl

Hi Beth, I have only read the first chapter but I am finding it difficult to concentrate on the storyline because of the punctuation (speech marks around words that aren't direct speech, apostrophes where there shouldn't be). This probably sounds niggling but when I read a book I want the interaction between me and the story to be seamless and although many people would be happy to look past these little mistakes, I'm afraid I can't. I will happily have another read if you do a revision. Just give me a heads up when you do.
Lorraine

You have a wonderful and suspence filled story. a little tightening up on some of the constructions and it's on its way

Best of luck
Backed
Scorselo

Hey Beth -
I just read the blurb and Chapter One, but I have a few comments: first of all - I am having trouble following the thought, because you flow back and forth from active to passive and present to past. I like the idea and the sad, almost reflective tone of it - but I am also having a hard time because of the sentence structure itself, namely it's very choppy.
Anyways, I am looking forward to reading the next chapter!
Cheers!
Ammy
By the Night

This is an interesting pitch and an abandoned mine, whether it be Scooby Doo or housing giant ants or spiders is always a good backdrop for a story. You've givenit a full history as a jinxed place, a place where nothing good ever happens and this only heightens your drama when the kidnapping comes. Well written, fluid, visual.

The bold part of your pitch doesn't read very well. I would suggest a couple of things. Don't start a sentence with numerals; always spell them out. Also, I think there is a word missing (perhaps an indefinite article before the number, and then you wouldn't need to spell out the numbers) because when I read it aloud, it doesn't make sense or sound right.

Also, the second bold line is not correct. In fact, the entire pitch needs a complete rewrite. There are words missing and punctuation missing or used incorrectly.

In fact, I see a lot similar mistakes between this book and your other one. I think you need to check your grammar against some of the other entries on this site.

Good luck with it.
Mike

7-18-2010 Sun 8:00 AM

Hi Beth -

Not many pitches catch me at all - and I don't read as a consequence, but this sounds interesting. I would say that the pitch is good, but I learned something recently: don't say too much in the pitch. I practically "gave away" my story in mine. A reader pointed it out & now it is fixed. Maybe make the pitch a little more consice so the reader has a desire to explore the story on her own. Also, don't tell about daddy at the end. Leave a question - "does she return to daddy?" You are telling us what happens - I did the same thing.
Now my pitch reads more professionally and I am so glad that CP took the time to point this out.
I hope this helps & good luck to you.

Nancy Bush
DAYMARES - Based on a True Story

It is a small personal rule of mine to read the first few chapters and then read the summary. So that is what I did in this case. It in fact explained my hesitation after reading the few few chapters of this.

Bluntly, I don't care about the dead, they are dead. I care about the living. I want to know about the living and hence learn about the dead through their eyes. I am very aware of the need for 'set up' and history in this kind of book, however I really want to read about the writer and the woman who escapes the mine. I want to fall in love with them and then discover the horrific history of the mine.

The same can be said for your summary. Your focus is on the story of the mine (the past) when it should be on what is happening in the 'now', girls disappearing, a backwoods town with secrets etc...

The story is here, you just need to rearrange it a little.

Keep going, it is all there you just need to put it together in a different way.

Backed with promise.

AmyR
Trust Me

A lot of the writing sounds like you're narrating from a far away place or far in the future. I liked it in the 1st chapter, because it gives the writing a "fable" like quality. However, I might be tempted to put the second chapter on in the present tense, to make it feel more immediate. Just an idea. Also, in the first chapter, I would start the first sentence with the preacher's name, rather than making us wait to learn his name. Backed.

I do like the premise of your book. You have created a most unique storyline incorporating all of the elements that make a great crime thriller - religion, death, kidnapping and psychopaths. Your use of short paragraphs keeps the pace of your story flowing well, you set the tone for the balance of your book perfectly in the first two chapters and your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Hi Beth, just replaced your book on the shelf, for more to see. Nice nice stuff. :-)

Intriguing read one that keeps you turning pages. This is a manuscript that makes you really think about all the under lieing issue that have not been revealed. C W

Beth Anne,
I read four chapters and would love to read more and find out the just desserts these miserable excuses for human beings will receive, but time gets in the way. It's a darling story and somehow you keep the tension building. I can see this as a movie. Best of luck.
Caroline
KC Hart
Summer Rose

i love ghost stories.. backed the mine and put denver on my WL thanks for backing my novels :)

Wow. Love your work. You grabbed me at your synopsis from the first line, and carried me away along your journey path. Well done! I'm not a critic, just a scriptwriter who can appreciate a good visual. Yours reads like a dream.

sincerely,
jim

Dear Beth,
Your cover art is perfect for the story! I enjoy your creative ideas and theme. Now you need to tighten up the pitches and fix grammatical mistakes so that people will want to move past your first page and into the book.

In your short pitch: need a period at the end of "all hell broke out"
I would also make the 2 sentences of the short pitch into one paragraph.
"police chiefs daughter" chiefs needs an apostrophe - chief's
last paragraph, 1st sentence - is not a full sentence

These are small things but put together, does not create the right image for your book.

Hope I've been helpful!
Best regards,
Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)


In the long pitch: "people died..." the p in people should be capitalized.
"grandson's" does not need an apostrophe

Hi Beth, I like your story very much.
It would read far better with a lighter Font than in Bold.
It needs some attention to the punctuation a lot of speech quotes shouldn't even be there in places.
Edit it when you can, dont spoil a good story such as this.
I have backed your book though on what I've read.SHELVED.

regard's,

Neville (The Secrets Of the Forest -Book One)