The Arab Season

Powerful voice...lovely prose that draws in the reader...witty and insightful...well done...

Your MC and her friends are a three woman counterculture! Very lively reading. And climbing the charts at record pace.

I think the world wants your book.

Bill

This is an amazing story. I loved it. I'm adding you to my watchlist so I can come back and read more!

Melissa Nielsen
The Guardian and the Book of Souls

You got me hooked this is a brilliant read!

Hello, I am scanning your book, thinking about it...and why your page here seems to have gone to sleep. You have an interesting story to tell, with real potential for building suspense and drama from the fear that your characters live with. Though I think the prose could do with being a little clearer, and the tenses are a bit confusing, this material has potential! On my WL and rated.
Fran Macilvey, Trapped

Hi Alisa!

Since you haven’t been to Authonomy for a while, I hope it’s okay that I’m sending this through your book comment:

I’d like to thank you for backing BRAINRUSH (a Thriller) last year. Because of you it hit the Authonomy Number-1 slot, attracted an agent, and landed a film option. Now that’s a brain-rush! The formal book launch is September 1st and the sequel will be released in December. None of this would have been possible without your help. So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

PS. If you want a good laugh, check out the temporary book-trailer video on the BRAINRUSH website. It’s there as a placeholder for the upcoming professional video. The current one features children and it’s guaranteed to make you smile! And yes, the younger kid on the screen is really me. You can see the video at www.RichardBard.com. The link is also on my Authonomy profile page. Special offer for former Authonomy backers between now and the formal launch on Sept 1st: If you would like to receive a “Review” copy of the eBook (plus 2 FREE thrillers from the Kindle Top-20 PAID Bestseller list – yes, really), go to the website, click the “Contact” button, and leave a message that includes your Authonomy username and the secret code words “I Feel the Rush!” Details of this promo will be emailed to you. Thanks!

Excellent, compelling opening, draws the reader immediately into the world of Hani, and her friends Hamdi and Zuleka. The explanations of the culture, and what its like to live with a foot in both worlds, is expertly woven and told with a gut-honesty in this beautiful piece of writing. Having experience and expertise in middle east culture, I could immediately appreciate the touches of nuance, the idioms and contrasting of ancient roots and modern mores. But more importantly, this story has a readability for the uninitiated. It doesn't tell the reader what impression they should come away with, but leads us on a journey of discovery for ourselves. I found very little to nitpick on with the beautiful prose, and amazing characterization. My little two-cents worth: Unclutter gems of paragraphs and shiny sentences by eliminating unnecessary verbiage. Example, ch 1, paragraph 2 - If anybody was to ever find out they would become the subject of malicious gossip... If anybody found out, they became the subject of malicious gossip, their family honor disgraced.
This sentence ends so powerfully, it needs a more simple lead-in. Just a small example, because this is very, very good writing! This isn't something I found on every page. But look for any cluttery places where you can simplify, in keeping with the rest of the flowing style. I've watchlisted this, but its going on the shelf as soon as a make a space. Six-star - no b.s. worthy!!!!

As an American Muslimah, I appreciate the honesty of this story. The "accidental" prostitution was a very good hook. I think the one thing that could up the ante on this is if the narrator took a little bit of a stronger stance in describing an internal conflict that didn't solely hinge on "getting caught." Most outsiders don't understand why these girls don't just leave home.
Stylistically, I think you could add to the reality of the dialogue by inserting more "isalmisms" like alhamdulilah and mashallah where appropriate and don't worry about translating them. The translation within the dialogue tags is awkward to read and takes away from the story. I struggled with that issue in my story because it has a lot of dialogue dhikr and I finally settled on arabic in italic where it would be used in dialogue and then translate outside the dialogue the first time only and then don't translate it after that. But it was a tough choice.

Great read! I've got this on my waiting list and will be shelving it tomorrow.

As an American Muslimah, I appreciate the honesty of this story. The "accidental" prostitution was a very good hook. I think the one thing that could up the ante on this is if the narrator took a little bit of a stronger stance in describing an internal conflict that didn't solely hinge on "getting caught." Most outsiders don't understand why these girls don't just leave home.
Stylistically, I think you could add to the reality of the dialogue by inserting more "isalmisms" like alhamdulilah and mashallah where appropriate and don't worry about translating them. The translation within the dialogue tags is awkward to read and takes away from the story. I struggled with that issue in my story because it has a lot of dialogue dhikr and I finally settled on arabic in italic where it would be used in dialogue and then translate outside the dialogue the first time only and then don't translate it after that. But it was a tough choice.

Great read! I've got this on my waiting list and will be shelving it tomorrow.

This is insightful and fascinating. An interesting look into a culture I know little about. Well written and captivating. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Your style makes for an interesting and easy read. Easy in as much as you can sit and read for hours without growing bored. It's fluid and entertaining.


Backed
Bragitta Shay
"REGENESIS"

Hi Alisa, enjoyed reading your book. Mainly to find out how the other half spend their spare time.
You have given an insight into the world of Muslem youth. I don't think you have said anything that could offend your religion, rules will always be broken.
Thanks for letting others share in the ongoings of your community.

kind regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest - 'The Time Zone' )

Hello, Alisa,
Johnny Vee and Maverick have done you proud in their reviews as they have told you how it is and especially Maverick ,has he tried to help with editing. I have sent you a personal email in response to your request to me, but couldn't resist dopping a comment here after reading a couple of chapters just to tell you, you have something here that is well worth carrying through. It is different and that makes it really interesting. I think with a good edit it will be publishable. The, let's have a good gossip theme, is a good twist, but I prefer to have the characters tell the story rather than using biography, tell not show, approach. Many of your readers think differently so it will ultimately be up to you decide. I know I have read some of this before and backed it for its great portential rather than reading it as a business proposition, so I am coming from a different angle than I did then. Never the less, well done, for your courage in writing these true events and for the tremendous amount of work it shows you have already put in. backed again, love Mary

Alisa,
I think your book is quite fantastic. Above all, and by that I mean above the writing, you often bring hilarity and wonder to the narrative with some great moments, lovely characters, and some damn fine situations which serve well in gripping the reader. And above all - that’s what matters.

On the negative side you tend to over-write, there are tense inconsistencies, and some grammar problems. Nothing that a good editor couldn’t handle though.

Backed with pleasure!

Hi there.

Around 12th July you suggested a read swap and I promised to have a look at Confessions of a Muslim Girl, but warned you that it would take some time before I got around to it.

I'm there now.

This is not the kind of book I would normally be interested in reading, but that's no reason to ignore it and I can at least offer advice on a technical level, if not from the story-telling aspect.

Chapter 1 reads well and provides an interesting insight into the lives of young Muslim women living in a generally non-Muslim culture, but there are a couple of grammatical points.

The phrase

' . . . The possibility of asking your parent's to find someone . . . '

doesn't require the apostrophe, or you have missed a word out (parent's what?)..

But in the final paragraph, you DO need one (parents' eyes).

Chapter 2 continues well. There's plenty of action - or lack of action, as the case may be - and the story-line seems very plausible.

However, be careful not to repeat yourself. This can slow the pace.

[The 20, as those who knew it came to refer to it, was famous for . . . ]

is telling the readers what you have already told them in the preceding paragraph where you say it was referred to by its street number, and then clarify what you mean by referring to it at the start of the next sentence. Therefore, this new paragraph need simply state,

[The 20 was famous for . . . ]

and six paragraphs further down there's typo - a word missing, probably 'know', in

[ . . . this was yet unfamiliar territory and we didn't ???? to make of it.]

Furthermore, you don't really need the 'yet'.

There are a number of such errors in this chapter, and some of the phrasing seems odd, to me. It might be worthwhile getting a professional editor to review this for you, once you yourself have proof-read it carefully to ensure that all missing words are corrected, and extraneous words cut. It would be a shame to ruin what appears to be perfectly good story-telling with careless mistakes. Publishers, and literary agents, receive so many manuscripts each day that any which demonstrate obvious weaknesses will be dropped straight onto the rejection pile.

Nevertheless I shall back this. I believe the book has promise, but do edit it again, very carefully.

Neil.

Hi Alisa

I like your narration style - there's something of the formal storyteller about it that almost gives it the air of the Arabian Nights - and of course the subject is very topical and of great interest in the post 9/11 world. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Alisha, I love your book and have backed it. It's a very intriguing read and well written. Thanks for backing A Distant Family when I first joined and sorry for the delay in returning your read...
Best wishes, Adelina

Fascinating topic, Have just read opening, Eager for more. Thank you for positive feed on two of my books under pen name Jelisa Woodarn

Slick, fast and masterful. Great read with all the right ingredients!

all the best
hope this does well for you, no doubt it will
Sue
Fate's Chastening

Entertaining and such interesting aspects about muslim life and culture. A book that has educated and deserves to be on the shelf.

Backed,

Lisa

This is so fresh and fast-paced. You're very successful at pulling the reader in and engaging sympathy from the start. The market is so ready for this.

Memphisgirl
Ashes By Now

Dear Alisa
amazing book cover and wish you would post more of your book on site..I started reading this some time ago and just wanted to let you know, now finished.
I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

I was pulled to your book because of the title, and more so after reading the pitch. As a Christian American myself who loves our system based on liberties for the individual, and promotes the embracement of diversity, respect and tolerance for other cultures, it’s hard for me to understand the world of the Muslims. Your narrative is captivating and I read actually more from your book than I’ve read from other authors here. However, if I forget that it is about Muslim girls, there’s not much else other than sex, smoking, and drinking, which is rather common of western girls. Nonetheless, I commend you for having the fortitude to tackle this subject under your particular circumstances. Backed.

David Placeres
Sunless Shadows

CONFESSIONS OF A MUSLIM GIRL - 7/23/2010

I'll not go over the comments already offered. I do, however, get very vivid descriptions of the locations. The word choice suits the story and provides uniques image that the reader might not conjure on his own. But there is a lack of emotion in all of the characters. Everything is treated too casually as ordinary events.

When Hamdi is kissed in Chapter 4, as the first person narrator, you're not going to know exactly what she feels.

You have presented a story of some interesting lives. But, not interesting enough to keep someone reading. We need more action and emotion. The story is a bit flat without the ups and downs of challenges, victories, and defeats. And, after reading all 7 chapters, I'm still not sure what the point of the story is going to be, other than the wild life of three young women. There needs to be something else of importance.

I like your style, even though grammar and punctuation need much work. I hope you finish this book. It could be very educational. Good luck with it.

Marc - Where's The Ivy

Quite a few typo's, but interesting enough. Backed.

Cat
"Twisted"

This story should be a must read. Muslims are people too: with their faults and weaknesses, their cultural beliefs and religious taboos. Under all those they are not much different than Christians, Hindu, Buddhists, or any other for that matter.
While yours is predominantly a work depicting life from a female’s perspective it gives more than a glimpse at what Islam stands for.
Got my backing.

I read a chapter and a half, so far. I like it, but would suggest a line edit - too many words out of place, some with wrong tense etc. Otherwise, vivid characters and the story moves along nicely.

Like your voice and this most interesting story. Seems to me that young girls are the same the world over. Backed because I enjoyed reading the story.

Your pitch is good, but your hook needs work.
Quite frankly, your hook is too long. The same can be said for the first few paragraphs, all of which suffer from "Wall of Text" syndrome.
Both of them are easy fixes; just break up your first sentence and find spots in your paragraphs to break it up some, like so:

I sit in front of my laptop as if it were a priest and my room the confessional booth. A scandalous tint of red lipstick adorns my mouth and I adjust my trademark six-inch "hooker heels".
I am ready to do this. I am ready to open the Pandora's box that is my life.
And you, being a good gossip, are apparently ready to listen, or rather read.
Don't get me wrong or self-righteously close this book, I mean no insult by calling you a gossip. Man is, after all, a social animal, and the saying goes show me a person who claims not to like a good gossip, and frankly, my dear, there stands the liar.

As I was splitting up your paragraph, I noticed that another prevailing problem you have is a lack of commas. Now, I'm not quite sure how to explain where to put commas other than just put them where things don't look quite right without them.
What I do if I'm not sure whether or not I need a comma is read it out loud. If it sounds better when I take a small break where I believe a comma is needed, then I add the comma. If it doesn't, I don't add a comma.

Other than that, you did a very good job here. I've already backed it. =D

First-person perspective/point of view is hard to pull off. Remember that if the narrator is speaking from her perspective, she cannot read the mind of a different person and know things that they are thinking. Example - narrator can say "she looked frustrated and put out" but cannot say "she felt the frustration, and was put out" when the narrator is talking about someone else. Given that you are telling the stories of four different women, I would consider using a different perspective for the writing. Other than that, sounds interesting. Decent composition. Good luck.

The Anglo-Arab mix of culture gives us a fascinating insight in the Islamic way of life, while also managing to surprise and even shock us with the "confessions".
Your main character is lively and adventurous. You've created a unigue voice and writing style and I think it works well in the chick lit genre.
I'm sure a lot of people will be interested in your book. Backed.
Cherry G.
The Girl From Ithaca

An intriguing exposé of a world most of us could not begin to guess at. Extremely brave too on the author's part

There are two quotes that Confessions of a Muslim Girl brought to mind.

The first is the old Army Instructor's maxim: "First, you tells 'em what you're going to tell 'em. Then you tells 'em. Then you tells 'em what you've just told 'em". Which is pretty much what you did in your first chapter, which was little more than info-dump and repeated recitation of what you would be telling me.

As a reader, I don't want to be told. I want to experience, through your narrator, what she experiences. And this leads me to the second quote -- familiar to anyone over a "certain age" who remembers the radio programme "Round the Horne" (sic) -- as I found myself constantly reminded of Kenneth Williams's oft-repeated exasperated cry of: "Oh, get ON with it !!!"

A writer has a very small 'window of opportunity' -- a matter of seconds -- in which to grab an agent's or browsing reader's attention. A good, hooking, first page is therefore vital. You could improve your chances of capturing your potential reader's interest by starting your story when the story starts -- halfway down chapter 2 -- with the words: "Looking back, I can say the turning point in our lives ..."

I'm sorry, Alisa, but I have to pass on this one. It needs a little more work.

As requested, I've had a read of your book. I've read everything posted here, and I do have a number of comments. Please remember that this is just one person's opinion. Take from it what you find useful and discard the rest.

The style of this reads more like an essay than a novel. It's too formal in places and doesn't flow as well as it could. The dialogue, too, needs some work. Some parts read very realistically, but most of it does not.

It's definitely in need of a good proofread, as there are a number of places where the language just makes no sense at all, and where the words and sayings used are either mistakes or don't mean what you think they mean.

Also, I feel like the story doesn't really get started until chapter 7. The rest is just backstory. You've told us a lot, spelling everything out for the reader in a manner that comes across as condescending at times (your readers aren't stupid and can figure out a lot on their own) and even boring. Show us what happens and let us make up our own minds about what it all means for the most part. In all honesty, I think the information contained in these first 7 chapters could be condensed into one much stronger chapter and the overall work would be better for it.

Again, this is just my opinion. Take it or leave it as you want. Good luck with it!

The brilliance in your pitch drew me in. You have an elegant, smooth and fascinating story here. Very engaging and well written. I love how you don't shy away from being candid and that makes the story itself more raw, real and honest. You're definitely bound to make it to the top 5. Good job. Well worth the backing!-JC (Trials of The Morning Star)

this is like an english-abrabic sex in the city! and it really works. what i like best is the time youve put into your incidental characters- the waiters at abu ali's, the stereotypical immigrant mothers, the reporters- it really pays off. also as a londoner i think you really portray the city and its population well. well done.
Katie
x

This is an absolutely fascinating insight into the Muslim culture. I love your writing style and you deserve to do well with this. Backed with pleasure.
Jennie (Lies and Betrayal)

This is actually really good! You have a quirky and witty voice which suits your story well. I always love reading a book with personality.

Good luck! Backed.

Jodi
x-Evalesco-x

Well written in a caring voice. Not my usual genre, but I enjoyed the read. Backed.

I hope you will give mine a read anc back it if you like it.
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

Well written, something worh making a TV show about. Love your MC and her friends. Will return t finish reading. Best Wishes Backed!

NJ Capaldi
Crescent Heart

Your paragraph, "I didn't have sex for money," snapped Hamdi... could be your pitch! It sums up something that i think many readers would understand as a huge huge issue for these girls and also one worth reading. Come to think, it throws your story of Muslim girls into a wider arena. It makes it a story which would resonate with any culture concerned over how their girls behave. I'll read more.

Very interesting insightful and delightfully well written. Backed

Miles A Robinson
Song for My Father / Loud Lucy Ludlow

Though this is a story that would certainly find a market, sadly it isn't something that I would read myself. How three niave girls' became high class call girls just is not my cup of tea. Best of luck with it though.

Alisa, It's a very good book. Good story and well written with some siensitivity in the right places.
I like your style, and I am backing it.
David (Flawless Murder)

Intriguing concept and very well written in a distinct voice.

The story is very much one of today, paticularly in the UK where there is the start of a culture clash between 3rd generation muslim youngsters and the ist generation immigrants. Many of the young women now lead double lives as they are drawn to the western culture. interesting topic.

Declan

All the bitter facts here. You are so right. You have a very good and important story to tell here. Great.

Shah

Great writing so far! and it flows smoothly too.

I will leave a better comment once I read more.

But definitely backed. :)

You have a great voice and writing style. The characters are really interesting to read and it makes me want to know more about them. The story itself - what I've read has me intrigued but initially I was left a little puzzled. I had a vague idea of what the topic and genre was but your long pitch or first chapter didn't reveal much about the actual storyline and what I should expect from it. Other than that - extremely fantastic and deserving of being backed.

Ah, never use any part of your book verbatim in the pitch.

I found several misspellings in the narrative. Then again, it could be the shift in language from American English to yours.

I think this would work much better if you were not so, how can I say..."in the reader's face" with facts, accusations (you'll never guess who these people are....as if we would try?), and challenges. This really put me off from wanting to read more. I guess what I am trying to say is you tried too hard to get the reader's attention. Shock doesn't always work.

I think if you approached it more subtly, it would work. Please let me know when you make some edits and I will revisit it at a later time.

Best of luck with it. It sounds as if it could be a great story.
Mike

If I had read just the pitch, I would not proceed further. I didn't get the whole "confessional" metaphor. I don't think it worked. Maybe the "lipstick" part threw me. Priests don't wear lipstick, so I didn't see the comparison.

The second paragraph of your pitch should contain the story, not a first-person description of the book, even if that is how it is written. So, I didn't quite get what you were trying to convey.

A promised read is a promised read, so on to chapter one...

Hi. I really enjoyed this. It's a little like a cappucino, flouffy on the top with a more substantial bite underneath.

Talking of coffee, in Chapter 5 you say 'barrister' when in the coffee shop, it would actually be "barista", a barrister works in law. I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this as I don't tend to read other comments until I've made my own, but it is only a little nit-pick.

I really enjoyed this.

Jo G :o)

The first three chapters of this are brilliant: I love the voice, I love the strength of imagery (often hard to accomplish via first person narration), I love the story. There isn't much here to crit --- backed, and good luck. I'd be delighted to hear your thoughts on The Character, as well!

Tiffini