The Secret Snow

Loved your opening and totally agree with the importance of multi generational contact within families! I read the whole of the book. Though your opening descriptions are delightful I would have thought them too complex for younger children to follow but as an adult I enjoyed them hugely! Strangely enough, I'm Welsh and spend many holidays with my children on the Lleyn Peninsular in Snowdonia, North Wales and have climbed Mount Snowdon several times! I only wish I had met the nine foot tall people described during the ascent of Cadair Idris! I have starred and placed your lovely book on my WL. I wish you good luck!

Dee x

I've read chapters 5 - 9 as you suggested. I'm wondering what has happened in the first few four chapters because this feels like the start of the book to me. I agree, the story is suitable for 9 - 12 year olds. I'd make Bodie a little older (12 or 13), so that the readership can relate to him. You change point of view between Bodie and the grandfather. Usually, in children's books you stay with the child's point of view (although there are always exceptions). There are some nice visuals and sounds (I loved the trees shimmering in blues and greens and the deep and steady hum). My son would love "slushee-ball". I'm not convinced about the way the reader learns about the forgotten people of Snowdonia. It is always better to "show" rather than "tell". I think we should learn about them at the same time as Bodie (drip feed the information out on a need to know basis).
I really hope this helps. There is a lot to like about this story.
With best wishes
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

The River Snow.
Bodin's Quest.
Chapter 1 - Though the description of the town of Brae Valley is idyllic, too long is taken to get into the story, which may put young children off whether being read to or reading themselves. It might be an idea to begin with chapter two so that a reader is introduced, as quickly as possible, to Bodin. Will's antics are very amusing but not, I suspect, to his 'victims' if they ever found out about the pranks and white lies he's told them while entertaining himself at their expense.
One typo - Brea (Brae).
Chapter 2 - Bodin Sparks is a really catchy name and contrasts well with his fascinaction with snow. Love Bodin's idea that if everyone turned their air-conditioning up high and opened all their windows, it might be cold enough to snow. A lovely relationship between Bodin and Grabdpa Jasper.
Chapter 3 - Renlyn seems a lot younger than seventeen. Grandpa Jasper, while entertaining Bodin with talk about where snow falls in the world is also educating him, a really nice touch. He also humours his grandson's fantastical imaginings of what he would do with warm snow by joining in. Lovely hook at the end of the chapter, which is where, I suspect, the story really takes off.
The author's has a really lovely tone that I could almost hear whilst reading the rhythmic flow of the prose. Both Bodin and Grandpa Jasper are immensly likable characters. Dialogue is realistic and descriptions of landscape well-drawn.
If a parent/grandparent read to a child the meanings of some words throughout the story could be explained but would be difficult for a child to understand if reading themselves. I would suggest considering if words, appropriate for adults, are suitable for the target audience, I'm assuming children aged 7 - 12, and change anything too to those that are easier for a child to comprehend to make it more accessible. With reference to the foreword, I'm sure the author doesn't intend this for children but is using it to convey a message to adults, which I agree with.

Nanty - Chrys!

Thanks Rob. Good idea and i will look it over. Thanks for reading and commenting!

R/S

Hi River,

a wonderful piece and works well, suggestion if I may? - I really love the way chapt 2 starts & can't help this would be a wonderful Chpt1 & introduce Brae Valley after it.

That said, I enjoyed it & backed it

Rob

Hi River,

a wonderful piece and works well, suggestion if I may? - I really love the way chapt 2 starts & can't help this would be a wonderful Chpt1 & introduce Brae Valley after it.

That said, I enjoyed it & backed it

Rob

Very descriptive writing with quite an original flare. I do feel that I know this valley now - and it takes a skilled writer.

Excellent imagery and I too hope to reach all ages and like to imagine the oldies reading to the kids, finding the time. Your book is much deeper than my humble offering, and in the kids will sti still for long enough, there is a lovely tale here. The Tails of Willie Gusty

Nice prologue. You show great sensitivity. Very colourful imagery was conjured up for me, along with engaging characters. Very well written, and backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

The Secret Snow piques the curiosity, blending magic and nature in a compelling read bound to stimulate young minds.

"It doesn't snow here Bodie." Comma after 'here.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases of this type of problem. Other than that, this is a well-crafted fantasy with a great theme. Colorful characters. Realistic banter. Excellent sense of place. Illuminating narrative. Well placed twists. Inventive plot. Surefooted writing. An impressive read. Backed.

As soon as I read the words, "...to the valley's symphony of colors" I was hooked! You have a wonderful describing voice that makes your story full. It's not too much either, which keeps me reading. You have a great story here, and I'd like to see it go far.

Great job and easily BACKED,

CSAndersen

A very interesting concept and story.

Oh my! Backed because of the beautiful forward. I'll do my best to read more later.

Ellgain
I truly thank you for the comments. While it is always a victory to get backed I find the Bonus is when people give constructive criticisism as you have so very kindly done. I will look into that double blanket metaphore as I try to avoid over use of anything in the same portion. Again, for your work it is very fresh and any comparison to Firefly is in my opionion of the highest praise. Its one of the most fun and special sci fi productions to come along and to read you story makes it feel like a lost episode was found. If there are any Firefly websites out there you should blog and get them directed to this site or your own so those fans can read it.

Good Luck and much success to you.

R/S

From the start you do a great job of making Brae Valley a character in its own right. You take your time establishing it with deft and descriptive phrases. You do invoke blankethood twice - watercolor blanket and quilt - so you MIGHT want to change that. But I'm not sure it's a real strong need as both descriptions flow well.

"they disrupted the peaceful whimsy of the serene landscape with their imposing, rippled trunks and powerful twisted branches; the muscled body and arms of an austere, wooden golem frozen in time."

I think that's a pretty darn unique metaphor and it instantly nailed down the scene.

I don't know whether to smirk or roll my eyes at Will Tychus' pranks - but that is a great sign that he was very well realized. No matter what you think of the prankster - you think /something/ of him due ot the level of detail you got about his prank. The way it was described, too, unfolded at a very nice pace. Not too quick. Not too slow.

Bodin is also a very engaging character. You show us a great deal about him in describing his fascaination as well as "Alas, it was this last trait that Bodin hated the most and in his opinion was the worst tease that God could devise;" He seems very realistic in his thought processes and his attempt to solve the no-snow problem.

All in all - a great read. Backed without a second thought and likely to stay on my bookshelf for a long time :)

River,

Your desciptions of places are amazing. You make me want to live in Brae valley are there any houses for sale there? What kid wouldnt want perfect weather for his perfect little world?

Backed with pleasure

Andrew Monk

From the start you do a great job of making Brae Valley a character in its own right. You take your time establishing it with deft and descriptive phrases. You do invoke blankethood twice - watercolor blanket and quilt - so you MIGHT want to change that. But I'm not sure it's a real strong need as both descriptions flow well.

"they disrupted the peaceful whimsy of the serene landscape with their imposing, rippled trunks and powerful twisted branches; the muscled body and arms of an austere, wooden golem frozen in time."

I think that's a pretty darn unique metaphor and it instantly nailed down the scene.

I don't know whether to smirk or roll my eyes at Will Tychus' pranks - but that is a great sign that he was very well realized. No matter what you think of the prankster - you think /something/ of him due ot the level of detail you got about his prank. The way it was described, too, unfolded at a very nice pace. Not too quick. Not too slow.

Bodin is also a very engaging character. You show us a great deal about him in describing his fascaination as well as "Alas, it was this last trait that Bodin hated the most and in his opinion was the worst tease that God could devise;" He seems very realistic in his thought processes and his attempt to solve the no-snow problem.

All in all - a great read. Backed without a second thought and likely to stay on my bookshelf for a long time :)

Beautifully written. Backed with pleasure. I wish you every success.
Sana x
Saffire Drake and the Three Keys

I love your writing, it is so fresh and original. You have a wonderful talent for dialogue, characterisation and narrative drive. There is a definitely a market for this, so it is very happily backed.
Mal

The basic story is a good one, the boy’s enthusiasm and determination are inspiring, the idea of the wish frozen in time is intriguing; but it seems to me that you’ve buried it under some unnecessarily weighty language and a style that borders on pompous. Some easy changes that would lighten the whole thing up at once would be to replace “stated” with “said” pretty much everywhere, and simply cut out “somewhat” and “then” completely. Saying “with somewhat raised voices” just sounds clunky; while “He then went” … “They then walked” … isn’t at all necessary, as your readers understand when these actions happen, and don’t need it spelled out for them.
Similarly with the mother in the first chapter:
At this his mother giggled …
At this Bodie’s mother smiled …
You can cut out “at this” both times without losing a thing. Again, it’s clear why she’s giggling or smiling; no need to labour the point.

Have all your characters use contractions much more when they’re speaking. Can you seriously imagine a child saying, “I would bring it to warm places where it would last for many days without melting”? Speaking of the boy, if everyone calls him “Bodie”, why not just call him that from the beginning, rather than starting with Bodin then laboriously explaining that his mother uses his nickname?

A couple of misuses of words:
The honest character that complimented their local scenery > complemented
Predominately > predominantly
The horse-drawn liter > litter
A force so pedantic that once it begins, cannot be stopped > actually here you’ve got me stumped, I can’t imagine what you mean by pedantic!

This is just weird: (Jasper) …”turned to look Bodie in the eyes with a pixie grin on his face while looking side to side with his eyes” … How else would he look from side to side, or in any direction at all, if not with his eyes? And how can he look Bodie in the eyes and simultaneously look from side to side? It might be a good idea to think about exactly what you mean: try doing yourself what you describe, and you’ll probably find the right way to express it.

But putting all that aside, I’m really disturbed at the story of Will Tychus and the Trailers. There are other genres more suitable for that kind of heartless practical joke, and it sits very uncomfortably in what is basically a morality story for children. I truly don’t understand what’s so funny about harmless visitors getting lost in the woods, and I think it’s actually wrong for Will and the others to misdirect people. I can just about see it if it’s early in the day, though how could Will know whether these people might not have an important reason for finding the town; but how can it be funny to let people become genuinely distressed and exhausted? I can tell you I would never let any children of mine read this and get the idea it’s not only OK but actually in some way praise-worthy to treat people like that. This chapter is in sharp contradiction to the woolly warmth of the final chapters where everyone’s going around wrapped in good will and world peace seems just around the corner. I wish you’d re-think that chapter.
I'm putting the book on my Watchlist for a while all the same.

My ten year old daughter loved it and gave you two thumbs up! Enchanting. Backed.

I hope you will give mine a read and back it if you like it.
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

Dear River,
I echo the sentiment in your foreword. It is certainly sweet and very well written. I think your book will appeal to many ages of people who like to reading an imaginative tale.

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Wonderful descriptions and a charming, almost conversational voice. Perhaps some of the longer paragraphs can be tightened or broken up, since this is aimed for children. Overall, a delightful read.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Thank you Mary for the kind words and backing.
River

A charming story, and some of your descriptions are just enchanting. On my shelf.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm

Thank you Joanna
River

Wonderful descriptions and a charming, almost conversational voice. Perhaps some of the longer paragraphs can be tightened or broken up, since this is aimed for children. Overall, a delightful read.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

A charming story, and some of your descriptions are just enchanting. On my shelf.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm

Hi River

I really agree with your mission statement at the beginning of the book. It is so, very, true.
Your writing is very, very good. Your descriptions are so vivid and colourful.
It is an exciting book to read and I can see this book doing brilliantly well.
Backed with pleasure
Sarah. T-cup and the Dream Team Fairies

River,
I like the foreword to The Secret Snow and like how you encourage parents and grandparents to read to children. It's helpful in getting them to develop an interest in reading. I love the rustic descriptions of Brae Valley in Chapter One which is accompanied by a history of the region. I think it's good to establish the setting in this way before introducing Bodin Sparks in Chapter Two. His fascination with snowflakes is something which should enchant young minds. I like the trip into the mountains in Chapter Three and Bodin's questioning his grandfather about his desire to make it snow. This certainly appeals to the natural curiousity of children which is sometimes lost in the educational process when children feel like they are being forced to learn things they have no interest in and seem to have no practical value at the time they are being taught.

The Secret Snow

River Stone

I read some of this with my daughter who is on school vacation. Better to go with her opinion as a child, than mine as critiquing a children's book is sometimes out of the realm of us older folks - unless of course one is a writer of children's books, which I am not. She enjoyed it and loved the idea of of your nine year old MC trying to make snow. We live on a tropical island so it's hot all year round and I wish we could stumble upon a mystical glen and awaken an ancient magic as well. Very nice basis for a children/YA book. My daughter was delighted and will read on throughout the holidays. Good luck.

The bit about oak trees on the hillside got a little muddled for me as you described hundreds of oaks everywhere and then the occasional solitary oak which felt contradictory. it got quite convoluted.

The mention of the gargoyle felt odd as you don't explain what you're talking about until the end of the sentence, but refer to it as though we should know what you're talking about. I think it would be easier on the brain to mention the gargoyles first and then describe them. Also in that section you switched into present tense for a line or two, which i found jarring.

The trailer stories were fun and well told, I thought you delivered that part with a deft hand.

Overall it's a well written piece with warmth and charm. Happy to back.

River,
The Secret Snow is an enchanting book with a thoughtful foreword. The magical elements are well-designed to enthrall young imaginations. Backed with pleasure.

A wonderful book, I think kids will love it. I agree with JD below, break it up into smaller paragraphs, it'll make it read a little easier especially for younger readers. Otherwise this is a great and fun book. You've got an awesome imagination and it shows in your writing. It's magical.

Missy

River, a great idea well executed. A few quibble, first you take a while to get to the story: I'd suggest your Author's note at tab 2, might be better placed at the end of the work. Second, the writing from chapter three is on the whole well pitched for children--with enough to keep the parents engaged, always important--but, your parargraphs are way too long. A little more dialogue and some variety in paragraphs would go a long way to making this more visually engaging and that's important. That said language is appropriate and rythmns good, I can see kids enjoying this, if their parents got over the blocks of text to pick it up and take it home.

Backed for that potential.

I am backing this book on the strength of the read which I found impressive enough to back. The problem is that while my Talent spotter ranking sank below one hundred I have been inundated with requests to read. If you require detailed comments please message me otherwise I was proud to back you and will watch with interest. Cheers for now. BACKED.

Great idea! I would be tempted to break up the paragraphs, starting from Chapter 3- they are a bit long. Also, conversation should be split up (each speaker should start a new paragraph). This should make things easier to read. Backed.

Hi. After six days on this site I am (unbelievably) still running to catch up with the people who have been kind enough to back me. Every time I log on I have thirty people to thank and review in return before I even get a chance to read some that I have picked myself from the book list. So, and I do not mean to be unhelpful, I am BACKING this on the read because I think it is every bit good enough to be in print (I think that is the criteria I should be using) but, although I have made written comments, I have no time to type up my thoughts. If you want them just message me and I promise to get to them ASAP. Otherwise, BACKED.

After reading through chapter 3 I believe you have a great story for children and adults alike. One criticism would be the need, at least in my reading, to break down your paragraphs to shorter more readable sizes. The words of the story started to become lost as I read because of the length of the paragraphs. I enjoyed the story, however, and wish you the best of luck with it. Please remember December Gold in your reading and comments.

The beginning of this is very enchanting, opening up that magical Christmas and winter world. Brodie is a wonderful character, rich and engaging for children and adults alike. I'll have to pop back and read more, but for now I'm backing this for the sheer "winter thrill" this gave me mid-July.

Abi xxx

Hi River,

Per your request concerning the conclusion of "The Secret Snow," I could make a few suggestions that might be helpful. First, Brodie's snowfall would have a stronger impact if he'd wished snow for Christmas and was rewarded by the miracle on Christmas Eve, with appropriate trimmings. A good Christmas story has a potential of being republished year after year (e.g., Dickens' "A Christmas Carol"). Second, use dialogue to express more of the joyous reactions. These should follow the standard convention of starting a new paragraph for each speaker and their manner of speaking. And while breaking up the longer paragraphs, you might delete some of the editorializing, which verges on a fiction writer's taboo: Don't preach! Another "rule" might be helpful in this regard: Avoid author intrusion. In other words, stick to Brodie's thoughts. Or, since you are using the omniscient-author convention, you might dip into Grandpa's mind as well; but keep yourself out of it. "The Secret Snow" is a very warm and innovative tale, but should be tailored to the audience: children and, for pre-readers, their story tellers. Condescending? No, you can't overdo the snow job! --My thoughts, for what they're worth . . .

Bill Carrigan
"The Doctor of Summitville"

This is simply awesome -kids AND adults will love this - beautiful cover art and title which nine out of ten people walking by would pick up from the shelf and then the story proper is wonderful ! My twelve year old son sat here and read this over my shoulder with me - the entire thing! And his comment is You Rule! Backed 100%

Liz
The Cheech Room

You have created a wonderfull storyline for children and the values that you teach come across clearly. Your descriptive writing is perfect for the children's audience. However, and this is just my opinion of course, you use too many extremely long paragraphs. This slows down the pace of your story considerably which potentially means that you lose your intended audience's attention quickly. Backed for your potential.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Hi River,
Not sure about the short pitch? However, the story is lovely and just right for children. Imaginative and well written. Good lluck
Hope you find a mo to take a look at The AssassinsVillage and pass a comment.
BACKED
Faith

Welcome aboard, River. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch works. The long pitch needs to be broken down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. End with a question so it compels the casual reader to turn pages. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

HI JC
thanks for reading and shelving my story. I appreciate your critique and will take the pitch revisions to heart. I will try to read/review THE OBERGEMAU KEY asap.

Regards,
R/S

Brae Valley is the sort of town where I'd like to live. Your description of the clap-board houses surrounded by oaks is idyllic. There's plenty of comedy of the gentle sort, with the Trailers thinking they've walked miles and Will pretending to be one of triplets.
You say in your introduction that adults are often too bored by childrens' stories to read them and I think you're right. Well, you've come up with the solution. There's no sustitute for grandparents. But reading about Bodie and Jasper bringing snow to children who've never seen it is probably the next best thing. Backed with best wishes, Lynn
I think you should check your pitch from 'through an unfinished spell...' onwards. there are some phrases that don't make sense.

Hi Lynn
THank you for reading my story and backing it. I really appreciate any critique you can give, especially for the last section (Secret Snow)- is it fun and inspiring without being to over the top or contrived(for target audience of grandparents or kids)?? I will review the pitch phrases/sentences...so hard to cram your main thoughts into a few sentences !

I will try to read any of your works soon as I try to reciprocate reviews.

R/S

28 June 2010
The Secret Snow appeals to me as a enigmatic title. It is reveals itself as sensitive and well written tome well suited to the younger reader without patronisation. The statement that the book was one of the earliest forms of entertainment is disputable but relatively unimportant weighed against the benefit and values this type of story presents. Edifying and satisfying. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

Hello Robert

Thanks for reading and giving critique. I truly appreciate those who challenge me to vet my thoughts and words and you have shown me that i need to be more specific on what i intended to convey. I will revise to "....form of written entertainment..." (I am remiss on how ancient and popular dice and cockfighting are ;) )
Thanks for backing my work and I will read The Tuzla Run asap and return the favor.

Can you please give comment on the last section of my story(Starts at Secret Snow)? I am trying to deliver fun and inspiring without being contrived. Again for grandparent/kids target aud.

Regards,
R/S

A beautiful book. In many ways it reads like a classic and that may be its undoing. Modern generations seem to appreciate shorter sentences and a quicker plunge into the story. You might want to think about that without losing too much of its current gentle tone.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Hi Again JS,
I cannot tell you what a compliment you gave me. It means alot that the story behind the story came through...I was trying to create something that had the indgredients of the books that inpired me as a kid, (Phantom Tollbooth, The Hobbit, The White Mountians)- all read as in-depth, detailed classics- not sound bite video-game-on-paper style. And you are probably right, it will not sell to the 10-20 year olds. But, I wrote it for grandparents to read to children....and mentor them on the longer words or the more complex events and thus give some edu-tainment to the target audience. Or so I Hope ...

I will read Dark Moon soon.!

Thanks again,
R/S

Hi River. This is a lovely idea for a children's book. You describe Brae Valley really well. Bodie's idea's for the snow are amusing and his vivid imagination brings his character to life. Some of the paragraphs are a little long and it would be easier to read if you split the dialogue. I think the genre will delight at your story. Backed and best of luck! Maria (Cosmic Linx)

Hello Maria
Thank you so much for your kind words and for reading my work! I am glad you find the character and environment good. I have recieved similar comments on those paragraphs and i will shorthen them and add more dialogue (great critique, most helpful!) Can you give me specific feedback on end section (SECRET SNOW)...is it fun and inspiring for kids and grandparents without being too shmarmy?

Thanks for backing and I will return a read of your work soon!

Regards,
R/S

Firstly, this isn't my regular genre, but the pitch brought me looking (which must be a good thing.)

Overall, if this is heading to Young Adult/Children then you might think about breaking down some of the more longer paragraphs in order to both add a little more pace in places, but also from a physical/attention-span point of view - shorter paragraphs are more digestible, and will also allow children to put the book down and pick it back up more easily.

The writing is confident, and has a very good tone and voice - I get the impression of being involved in the conversation (it talks to me, and not at me) However, you need to sort out the speech from a grammatical as well as layout (example, last paragraph in Chapter 3 - Bodin's Quest - has conversation from several characters all rolled into one paragraph. It needs to be broken up in order to keep track of who is actually speaking.)

Apart from that, I've read and enjoyed what is here, and hope that you get to completing the project.

Read and backed with pleasure.

Hi John

Thank you for reading this work and backing it. I really appreciate your comments as they are constructive and I feel very relevant. I will shorten those paragraphs and work on that grammar/dialogue construction. (So hard to read and sift you own work!). I am VERY VERY glad you find this work involving you without lecturing at you. THat is something most important to me when I read other works. Nice to know the pitch caught your eye but that the work gave some satisfaction (especially if this is not your genre!).

I am trying to read/comx all works of those who gave me feedback. Hope to read yours in next few weeks!

Regards,
R/S

Hello River,

Your pitch and foreword express touching sentiments and astute observations, as in extolling the bedtime story in child development. The text becomes more interesting when you introduce Bodie, and I suggest you place that first. Bodie's communication with his grandfather is warm and appealing, and the idea of a language based on the variation in snowdrops is wonderful. Readers, especially children, would appreciate shorter paragraphs and more dialogue. But the messages here are the most sensitive and important aspects of "The Secret Snow" and impel me to back it.

It would be good of you to take a look at "The Doctor of Summitville," my novel about a country doctor who aids and falls in love with an orphan girl, at great personal cost.

Best of luck, Bill

Hi Bill
THanks so very much for the detailed critique. I truly am looking for this to make the work better. I have received a few comments on the lengthy paras and I believe you are right as to making them shorter for the target audience. You Sound like a skilled and experienced writer, can you give feedback on the middle and last sections, especially the last section- was it fun and inspirational without being too contrived? (for grandparents reading it to their grandkids at least)?

I am trying to read the works of all who give me feedback, it will take time but i will get to THE DOCTOR OF SUMMITVILLE. sounds like a good read.

Regards
R/S

Hello River, well your short pitch just reeled me in. then your long pitch grabbed me and I could not put this book down. I have not read it all, and will carry on reading to see if the promise is fulfilled of a good read.
Denise
The Letter

Hello Denise,
Thank you for reading my work and giving it some critique. I really am looking for the critique mostly. You sound like a strong writer so if you can, please review the middle (SNOWDONIA) and the end (Secret Snow) sections and give feedback. Espeically the end section, is it fun and inspired without over the top contriving? (for grandparents reading to young children?)

i have Read THE LETTER- very spiritual work and something I believe many female readers will truly like. YOu have great detail of place and the main characters feelings. As a guy, i can see Raj being more enticing and a leader (and probably eliciting deeper desire by the ladies) if you can let him be created and detailed by some deep spiritual actions he performs with some amazing, two or three step sequence of events that he creates or dilema he solves in some philisophical and zen master way rather than describe his "magnetisim of personality" thru your main characters feelings of him.

Best of luck!
R/S

This is a brilliant idea for a book. I love your title and the pitch immediately hooked me what with talk of ancient alphabets and magic. The opening sets the scene beautifully, you can almost imagine yourself there. Wonderful, this is backed with great pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Hello Sandie
thanks for the positive comments. Thank you for backing it and please give me any feedback you can, especially the middle and end sections. I hope these read clear and paint the fantasy, but especially the last section-is it fun and inspiring without being over the top schmarmy?(for grandparents reading to kids at least)

I will try to read Crown of Chrysaldor (love that title!)- sounds like my kind of work.
R/S