Freewill and Redemption

I personally LOVE the openly unlikable character. This was fantastic--you could really write about anything with a character like that. I didn't get to read any of the other characters, but i love the premise. I'm curious--are you switching POV's and staying in first person for all of them? That will be interesting. Good luck with this.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Backed January 13.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

Hi Jason.

Hope this message reaches you as you haven't been online for nigh on a year.

It's sad to see your great book so low down. Have you given up on it, and did you try any agents or publishers? I still think it's one of the best reads on the site.

Best wishes.

Michael Ashley Torrington, author, 'Kristin.'

Well well, I started reading this out of curiosity, never imagining I would read past the 1st chapter. I read the lot in one sitting! Actually, it's quite creepy the way you get sucked in. I found the relentless salesman very disturbing, and was completely on the MC's side even though he seems pretty unlikeable from the start. As I read on I really enjoyed the underlying theology of it and it reminded me a little of "The Screwtape letters" By CS. Lewis with a touch of Conan Doyle thrown in for good measure. A worthy contender for the ed's desk I'd say. Well done.

J&M Jensen
(Graemor)

If you have time maybe you could have a look at our book "Graemor". All comments and nitpicks gratefully received.

I love stories like this; kind of like "Crash" in a book. Where stories seem totally unconnected and then weave their way around and around each other proving once again....it's a small world. I did see a few editing snags as mentioned before, but otherwise intriguing reading. shelved

Hi Jason,
Your synopsis looks very interesting so I will put it on my watchlist for further reading over the weekend.
Regards.
Pat

Hey Jason,

Just finished reading chapter 13, and it's been a great read. I feel that the story is very well constructed. You do a great job in balancing the protagonist's backstory with the action, and you've also managed to keep the pressure growing steadily with each chapter. There is a very tangible sense of helplessness that grows with each decision the MC makes, which really adds to the experience.

Besides that, your story might benefit from a little editing at certain points. Sometimes I see the occasional substitution ("course mats" instead of "coarse mats" and "too" instead of "to"), but that is nitpicky. :)

Looking forward to seeing how this develops!

Hi

I'm here for the swap read.
You have written a compelling story. Some editing would help trim the excess wordage. Some nits are:
'Safe world where bad things don't happen and bad people don't exist.' I'm not sure what world you mean here as no matter where we live, we come across people we would rather not know. The news is full of dark stories.
Also, this chapter has too much narrative and would benefit with trimming it down to make it shine.

Ticks - 'I'll tell you something for free.......' This paragraph is masterful. Y

'reviles me.' Did you mean revolts me?
'Obviously, stood there' - suggest omit as sentence is better without.
Overdone - fingers caught in door.
The whole scene with the fingers caught in the door gones on too long and starts to seem funny. Cut it down and it will have more impact. Sometimes less is more. Read Fay Weldon to see what I mean.
The flashback to his past immediately after the fingers in the door goes on too long and stops the story.
Question - Why would the MC think that Arthur Miller would be someone in particular. It's a common name and could be any man.
Typo - 'I have told you on the hone'?????
Chapter 7 - Reviled?? Should this be repulsed?
Chapter 8 doesn't seem to fit here. It confused me and I wondered when the story was going to get going again.
Chapter 11 - This goes on too long and seems to be there because you needed a break from the build up of tension. It actually breaks the tension that you have carefully crafted and I would suggest you move it somewhere else.
'impending touch' - suggest remove impending touch.

This story has great potential and I am putting it on my bookshelf. I like the premise of the devil offering the MC redemption.

Cheers Olga:)

Jason
There's a lot going for your story. It's got a good voice. Clearly in first person, that's easier, but your voice is distinctive and on the whole one I could associate with.

You know your craft. You use hooks and teases like a master. The line "It was during this time that the visits started." Great!

I have a general issue with gratuitous swearing. Some poeple are clearly fine with it, but in my view it detracts from otherwise good writing. Ask yourself whether we really need so much.

There are areas where you could tighten it up, remove unnecessary words and sentences. For example the whole para starting "If we're going to be precise, for the sake of the record.." It's a distraction. The para near the start "At this stage..." Crickey! This really runs the risk of making the casual store browser close your book and put it back on the shelf. Subconsciously the message is, this is uninteresting.

You refer to yourself as a "tosser". I presume you don't want the reader to like you or associate with you. This is a risky ploy. Successful books are usually ones where the reader can do this. OK so there are exceptions, but the story has to be exceptional to make it.

Oh a little thing: Why wouldn't the Dr be civil? Isn't the issue that they are civil, remote , insensitive to your crisis?

On a positive note: you do know your craft. You use hooks and teases like a mater. The line: "It was during this time that the visits started." is a good example.

Clearly this is one man's view, but I suggest you write and re-write. Cut as many the expletives as you can and cut redundant words, phrases and sentences. Then, I think you'll have something very distinctive and worthy of attracting a publisher.

Good luck with your journey. Let me know if you make changes and like me to take another look.

Murray
The Jin Deception

So, I read on, I didn't hide in my perfect world,,

I loved it,
On my shelf,
Kimmy

Excellent writing. I did want to know the story from the very beginning! Backed it!

Hi Jason. Here I am for our read-swap as promised.
Well, you've given me quite a dilemma because I'm going to have to push someone off my shelf to get Freewill up there. This is really brilliant and I thoroughly enjoyed what I read. I have to admit that it's not my normal cup of tea but it was so well written and the MC's voice so clear and plausible that it sucked me in right from the off. I have rarely seen such great opening lines and they set the tone for the rest.
I really hope you don't have experience of what your MC suffers from, because you write with such believable insight. I can seriously say that nothing jarred, and that's a rarity on this site. Yours is one of the best I've read, and I think it ought to be up there on the desk.
I did notice a few things, forgive me if they've been mentioned before.
Ch1. 'with your bear hands'..should be 'bare'.
'pain and anguish that you are..' that you 'feel'?
all pose and style'...should that have been 'poise'?
None-the-less should not be hyphenated.
'cranky old weirdo's'..there should be no apostrophe.
Ch 2. 'dealing with loony's'..should be 'loonies'.
'I too lent closer'..should be 'leant'.
'alternative forms of pain relieve'..should be 'relief'.
'less harsh side effects'... this is clumsy, maybe just 'lesser' side effects?
"Oh no, sir." Came the reply...comma after 'sir' and lower case 'c'.
Anyway, these are only nit-picks. This is terrific, Jason, well done!
Cas.

Jason, wow.
Worthy of a shelf sir! I was in sales for about three years (many years ago) and you tell it well. Your narrator is so believable and absolutely perfect. The ONLY thing I could think of to criticize was that in the initial doctor's visit he says he wanted to "rip off his face with my bear hands." Now, bear hands is a great metaphor, if you meant it, but I'm thinking you probably meant bare hands.
Other than that, amazing story. Hope my shelf gets you started back up the charts again.
Jeff

From JasonH to JasonE:
I'm two chapters in, and I know I have to read more--but only for my own enjoyment. I already know this is bookshelfworthy stuff. You have the balls to start out with an antagonistic protagonist, and that would be gall enough; but you thrust him into a sympathetic position straightaway, and relentlessly put him through the paces of a supernatural thriller. Backed for now; saved to read and comment further later.

I like stories like this, where seemingly disconnected lives and events come together at the climax. Stories like "Pulp Fiction" and "Crash" come to mind. I'll keep an eye on this one.

What a f'ing legend. The style of this is right on my level. You remind me of Geraint Anderson -wrote Cityboy. It has a proper English feel about it, the character speaks whatever he wants, doesn't give a shit if the reader's one of those people who cringes at swear words. Loads of writers mess this style up because they don't allow the 1st person character to be who they really are. They go back and take out words, things the character does that they think the reader might not like. Sod that. You've nailed it on the head.

The beginning reminded me of that book by Clive Barker - think it's called Mr B Gone. He does all that stuff you do at the beginning: stop reading, burn this book or you will die, what the hell are you doing still reading, I'm being serious burn the shit out of this book right now. Great start.

This boy's going straight onto my shelf.

Steve.

Hi Jason,
A great beginning and a great hook. I was intrigued when the protagonist told that he had killed someone. But I felt somewhat cheated when the first chapter was about a salesman. Though you described well about the smugness of the salesman, I expected something more, some unexpected twist in the end. Sometimes I feel the offer of the salesman is irresistible. I like your character sketch and your racy style.
-Anand

Chapter 4

Holy crap. This is chilling. Like a great Tales from the Crypt story, but with better suspense, and an element of Hellraiser in the background.
Fess up, J. Where can I buy this?

-Allen

Chapter 3

-Hmm, I'm not sure why he would be willing to chalk the visit up to imagination when he still has the card and he called Fitch's office...
When you say "...the whole bloody affair..." it makes me think he is resigning all of Fitch's visit to hallucination, but do you just mean the altercation at the end?
-Wow, the point about the appeal of a Nazi rally... Bold statement and powerful imagery! It's a pivotal moment for a reader to try and see past a knee jerk reaction... to either get what you're trying to tell them or reject the work outright as "Nazi sympathising". I LOVE these moments, where a reader is challenged to look past their own prejudice, even when that prejudice is of something innately monstrous.

This short chapter is malevolent fun. I laughed out loud when Miller recapped the hotel offer. While I get the Faustian stakes here, the comedy of it coming in a persistent telemarketer is fantastic. Even so, the comedy doesn't come anywhere near spoiling the mood and the impending doom I imagine awaits our belligerent narrator.
I keep going back to that paragraph where your MC describes the beautiful elements of the rallies. A pragmatist must agree that there was broad appeal to such imagery, and it was the talented mastery of such imagery that snared the otherwise rational minds of a nation. With a literary sleight of hand, I feel like you've made this work for you in an elegant fashion, and it inspired a great deal of thoughtful contemplation, both in its implications of the narrator's mind, and the descriptive aspects that made that card a singularity in the room. It works on so many levels... and it is proof that video can never adequately replace great writing.
I wonder if you contemplated self-censorship on this bit as it could be a tad controversial, but... very glad you didn't.
On to chapter 4...

Jed-

Back for more...

Chapter 2
-I've seen a good number of first person narratives, but few with a well-illustrated state of mind: in other words, if the narrator is telling the story, it's going to have bias, and that bias tells you as much as what the narrator says. Many books downplay or sterilize that bias, some even apologize for it. Not here.
I clearly hear in the narrator's voice his attitude, his prejudice, his arrogance, and his ignorance. It foretells an imminent disaster brought on by his false confidence. It's conveyed simply, directly, without being thrust up like a signpost to force the reader in particular direction. In short, I'm really enjoying it.

I didn't see much I'd change, only "...pain relieve..." I'd make "...pain relief..."

On to chapter 3...

hi jed,
having been both a salesman(and hating it) and having watched close friends suffer with cancer I think your first chapter is fantastic. I felt like it was my closest friend opening his soul up to me.
brilliant.
backed.
tim

What you've done well is the easy you write in the first person. So many times people try to write with a distance - they really need to write in third person. But you have captured his personality - we feel what he feels. Yes, he's a bit devilish, but we have sympathy for him too - the lumps, etc. As you read it, it's as if he's talking to you - well done. Much of the time, stories don't have the feel of being spoken and it curses them from the start. This is not the case with yours. Worthy of backing.

Hey again,

As you know from my backing of this, I really enjoyed your story. But rather than post a simple, "Awesome - backed!", I tried to find some useful critiques. I was reduced to finding simple typos or formatting errors, but I hope they are helpful in some way -

General comment - While I enjoyed your writing style and the story, I have to say that in the beginning, my initial thoughts were, "hmmm, interesting guy" but had the telephone rung at that point, I would have answered it without thinking twice. By the time I hit the end of Chapter One, I was thinking of ways to squeeze in more reading time before my guests arrived ("Maybe we could order take out instead of cooking - then I'd have another hour or so at the computer"). Now, having read up to Thirteen, I'm wondering if/when you'll upload more chapters... the note you ended on was truly evil...

Chapter One

~ "... and the burning desire to lean across the desk and rip his face off with your bear hands" bit of a grizzly mistake? *grin*

~ "Look. I spend most of my day doing what you do. I know the drill; butter me up to catch me off my guard, then make me an offer I can't refuse. I'm very busy"

then a blue bulleted comment, "a lie, but would he tell - " A formatting hiccup?


Chapter Five

~ "Oh dear me, sir." Its dirty whisper started. "Now you are going to have to get yourself a new phone." Supposed to be "it's" and I think it would flow better if you did something like,

"Oh dear me, sir ..." his dirty whisper started. "Now you are going"

Changing "it's" for "his" though, is just my opinion - I can certainly understand making the antagonist appear less human by using the reference, "it".

Chapter Six

~ "It's not about getting "the chance" to see them", I had replied.

The comma goes inside the quotation marks (also in the sentence above - looks like you have the same problem I do with that pesky punctuation preciseness). Also, I think that when you quote someone within dialog, you're supposed to use apostrophes - like, "It's not about getting 'the chance' to see them," I had replied. But I could be wrong.

~ "And what is that then, The Amazing Mr Ed?" Said I. should be "said"

~ Ed came over with an unmistakable swagger, and laid a hand on my shoulder. I'll take ... Need "

~ "Karen? It's only me How are you feeling?"..... On queue she seemed... Should be "cue"

Chapter Seven

~ "I'm here to see Mr Miller ... " you have a comma instead of a period at the end

~ "If you would"; heavy with sarcasm despite my predicament. Comma instead of semicolon?

~ End of the chapter - another blue bulleted phrase that seems out of place

Chapter Eight

~ I can remember the exact time and moment when I decided to make a stand against those who were indend on... "indent"?

~ "such a blatant set up. " again with the blue bullet - now I'm beginning to think this is something intentional, and I'm not smart enough to get it. Sorry if I'm being thick...

~ Dave and Fish were together forming their own double act - One would load ... should be "one".

Chapter Nine

~ He leaned towards me and whispered in my ear, "open them." should be "Open"

~ The floor was piled high with the rotting remains... as if in death throws. should be "throes" (I think)

~ The thought turned my stomach, and this seemed to be noticed by Miller... would be stronger to rephrase without "seemed" - something like, "The thought turned my stomach, a fact immediately picked up on by Miller..."

Chapter Ten on

~No more nitpicky comments - I'm enjoying the story too much


Please shout out if you have any questions about the above. ~Traci

Hey Gloucester man! : )

I've hit Chapter Four, and I'm pausing for two reasons - one, company is on the way over and two, I wanted to shelf this. I'll be back with comments later tonight or tomorrow. ~Traci

Hi Jason,

I read you first three chapters.

This is by far the finest piece of fiction I have read in a long time. Anywhere. It is a compulsive read and thoroughly entertaining.

Your characterization of the terminally ill salesman is brilliant. After three chapters, I feel I know this guy and I like him a lot.

I love your dialogue. When combined with your narration on his thoughts and emotions, the resulting deep, deep characterization is masterful.

Your descriptions are effective, particularly in describing the ravages of terminal cancer.

Your pacing is outstanding. I was immediately swept up into your story and was carried forward without a dull moment.

Your opening line ('I'm not a nice ...) is a grabber. 'Oh yes, and I've killed someone' hooked me completely.

The hooks at the end of chapter one and two are incedible. Though I would drop the last line of chapter two. 'We know all about you' is sufficient.

Only one suggested edit.

When using three ellipsis dots, separate them from the text with a space.

This was a minor edit and didn't interfer with my enjoyment of your story.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Al

PS: Might I ask you to read and review SAVANNAH PASSION?

Hi,
I think someone at the forums recommended this book, so I watchlisted it to read later... and I am very glad I did.
It's been a long time since the opening of a book has chilled me like this! The writing is fluid and confident and your narrator has a strong voice and a believable character. It is not fast-paced but i think that adds to the mystery and suspense especially since the descriptions are very original and lend us a further insight into the mind of the narrator. I also love your portrayal of the skills/characteristics/behaviour of a successful salesman- engaging and convincing.

I also like the the slight hints you give that the narrator has some humane qualities- helps the reader empathise. My only teeeny discomfort is that I can't seem to empathise enough, but I believe as the story develops, I shall have more sympathy..
Overall I'm deeply intrigued and I'm backing this and shall come back to read more!
Monica
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=4936 , if you have time, I would love your feedback on my story, 'The Will.'

Hi Jason,

To rejig your opener:
I AM a nice person, and I don't care what no-one else may think. (note double negative)

Interesting idea for an opener, trying almost to dare the reader to keep going. Of course there's an inherent danger with that approach. Some people, the indecisive ones, won't like being teased on page one about reading more and where you say "Do you stop at this point and simply walk away?" they'll say "Okay then" and do just that.

I would trim down that bit of goading, perhaps in half. Less tease, more enticement.

After that, things become a lot more interesting. A LOT MORE. The mystery salesmen (though not anonymous at all.. his name is Fitch) and his foretelling.

It's a very informal style, as first person can often be. Very "I walked down the corridor. Fucking polystyrene tiles on the ceiling. Reminds me of that childhood trauma of mine. That time I was five and I nearly drowned. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I walked down the corridor..."

It can maybe feel a bit like the focus drifts a little. He's listening to the doctor's voice, thinking about how he talks. Second guessing everything he's told. It's not a criticism, just a style. But the guy is struggling to get a grip on himself. Probably the fifty-eight days he has left to live.

Have you read ju-ju's Impossibly Yellow? Similar theme on the surface of things, without the Devil in Disguise.

Then, at the end of chapter two, something happens. Suddenly, with the call to Arthur Miller, things rocket forwards! Chapter three is short, punchy, tight and gripping. Suddenly, we're off. The story is a go!

And from there you have your stranglehold on the reader, and credit where it's due, you've got that down to a tee.

A "few" nipicks:

I wouldn't say "op" because it's an abbreviation. And since "op." wouldn't read properly either, I'd make it "operation". But I'll let you off with the time you say "meds" so it's not all gloom.

I think a "shit hole" can be a "shithole".
Likewise "British born" should be "British-born"
"Off balance" ... "Off-balance"
And "time share" ... "timeshare"
And then "cranky old weirdo's." ... "weirdos."
"Jesus H Christ" ... "Jesus H. Christ"
"Off guard" ... "Off-guard"
"Dealing with loony's" ... "Dealing with loonies"

"I believe your exact words were, "not interested", ..."
Hard to know what to do here. Speech marks within speech marks. I'd definately get rid of the comma though. Perhaps use single inverted commas as well, end up with:
"I believe your exact words were 'not interested', ..."

You start a paragraph with the horrible BUT in "But he held firm..."
And "But then there came the faint..."
And "But I knew someone was there."
And "But there was nothing except silence."
And "But then the answer phone cut out." (you can say "answerphone", though Americans won't know what it means (answering machine).

"couple of miles maybe" ... I'd still say "a couple of miles maybe". In a contrast to answerphone, dropping the 'a' is an Americanism that hasn't caught on anywhere else yet.

"Just who the fuck are you!!!" needs at least one question mark. I'm a fan of "?!" but some people frown on it. So perhaps "???" may work better.

I'm stopping at chapter four before I get too sucked in. The hooks at the end of your chapters are, frankly, the best I've come across on here. Every one makes you really desperate for more answers.

Clearly this needs to be shelved.

Chris

Done five now Jason, this is enthrawling to say the least.
I still get the "Twilight Zone" feel about it, and for me, that's a good sign.
I did notice a few typos' in five, and if you go over it slowly you'll no doubt find them.

Mark A L

End of chapter 4, You got me again... turning the page... click!

I like the humour in this, Jason, dry. There are many points that made me smile, especially the 'Cream-cake' line. (So very true). I have a space, it is now going to fill that space.

I think Jason, "well being" when spoken with regard to a persons state of health, is one word.

Bloody hell, I was going to have ( ) call the freak. I think you missed a (to) in that sentence, Jason.

Mark A L

Hi Jason, just read your chapter one, I see what you mean by the slow build-up you like to pen.
Is it me missing something or has your main character no name? If he has, and I missed it, I apologise.
I got the distinct impression of "The Twilight Zone", especially at the end of your last para.

One or two things I noticed Jason,
Tomb stones, I think is one word.
British born pro... Is this just outside PC, or am I being prudish?
Home care, again is this one word?
Battle hardened, hyphonated I think. As with Pussy foot and Brass nerve.

I liked this Jason, the hook at the end has made me want to read more, and that's what it's about. Good show!

Mark A L

What a mindblowingly (is that a word) funny read! I was laughing out loud at several spots. Shelved! I'm amazed that you can take this despicable character and make me care for him. Brilliant.

Overall, I'd just tighten up the very beginning so we can get into the crux of the story -- I've given details below. Hear are my detailed notes:
1. I’ve also killed someone -- fantastic line. Really drew me in.
2. Jason, I think the narrative would flow so much better without taunting the reader. After I read “killed someone,” to hear “you are probably already thinking of not reading…” couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m in -- so let me have it with both barrels. Let me know how nasty this guy is! I’d pick up from there with “Go ahead--close the book and hide in your own safe world…” Sort of like “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH. I digress.
3. Love the part about cheating -- turn to the last page. I would. Great!
4. I’d lose all of the “As I have already…” paragraph except add the FRIENDS reference to the “close the book and hide” part of the prior para.
5. Let them down twice…love that AND the mirror in the coffin.
6. “yet seldom made with compassion or remorse.” Are you speaking of his face. If so, how can the protag know that he seldom shows remorse or compassion. This is his first time in this situation, right?
7. You do the math. Fantastic.
8. Blood in your own piss. Never thought about it. Wow.
9. “for the sake of this record” - don’t need it.
10. “none the wiser” - rephrase in your own words (cliché)
11. Pain relief didn’t live up to its name. Great!
12. LOL! “The generous offer we were unable…” Fantastic!
13. “Insults are always better.” Classic!
14. “A born coward.” No! I think that detracts from this ballsy character.
15. “Where it really hurt and steal his pen.” Funny!
16. Great cliff-hanger with the card at the end of Chapter 1.

I’m back! Took up reading at chapter 7--to check out Mr Miller’s morphing abilities--and read till the end (will now have to investigate your second offering to see what happens!). Still love the voice--the first person narrative works really well. Really like your flashback chapters (tension builders/breakers!)--particularly his school day reminiscences (the irony vis-a-vis Dave and his lackeys) and the office/Reece chapters (you capture the office mood, repartee and posturing brilliantly--like the observation that “people would gladly let major incidents such as infidelity go unnoticed, only to go into mental breakdown when someone took their mars bar…”).
Your salesman really is an obnoxious, self-centered, male chauvinist pig (can see Mr Miller’s attraction to him!)--like the way his ruthlessness and schemes grow with his growing confidence. Love the way the dog irritates him (we have one here I could gleefully throttle! Yikes--he really does it! Great the way his thoughts keep going back to Reece all the while btw). Love your creepy passages too--particularly the description of the office behind the Door (the devil’s voice almost made me jump!) and the passage in the lift (great hook at the end of chapter 7). Thought the partial sensory deprivation (only half seeing, feeling, hearing) in chapter 9 worked particularly well--great description of hell (and “establishment” euphemism!). Like the comic relief of “I bet you’re ready for that coffee now.” and how the protagonist is grateful for even the smallest of mercies (and weakest of light bulbs); as well as “… he still moved in the awkward fashion of an old man, or of someone who has overdone things at the local gym.” and the line: “mind my own beeswax”.
Here are my thoughts and suggestions (take ‘em or leave ‘em!): isn’t “seemed” in “seemed to have a low wattage” superfluous (they obviously do as it’s so gloomy?); isn’t the expression “figment of my imagination”--not “fiction of my imagination” (now you’ve got me confused!); I found that “protagonist” in “… I could not see the faces of any protagonists.” broke the tension as it reminded me of a film/play (or was that the intention?); and I wanted “… and the smell of the dead.” better qualified (was asking myself, what, like putrified bodies or formaldehyde? Blame those anatomy classes!). Finally, I have some suggestions/quibbles with Mr Miller himself. Found it was an interesting take to have the devil mentioning politics, but what I found less convincing was the singling out of three particular countries (what about Saudi Arabia and China--they're just as bad?). To me it makes him sound too human (and too “petty” singling out personal hates), perhaps leave in the underlying idea (which is great) and remove the references to particular countries? My other question had been: why would the devil invest so much time in trying to get the salesman (almost flattering in a perverse way), but then I saw that you neatly addressed this by adding that the whole meeting took barely a minute (creepy and clever!). Finally, what about making the devil sexless--I realise this would create problems with the Mr Miller title--but wouldn’t it be creepier still if the devil weren’t obviously male?
I know you’ve probably rounded up most typos in your working draft, but here are the ones I spotted, just in case: Chapt 7, “There is no way on Gods (God’s) Green Earth that you are Mr Miller.”; “I told you on the hone (phone) I have a proposition for you, and I meant it.”; chapt 8, “...is not something that you suddenly posses (possess).”; “… when I decided to make a stand against those who were intend (intent) on using me as collateral damage…”; chapter 10 “… and without so much as a seconds (second’s) pause, he said…”; “It’s not the regimes that control them which is (are) so damaging to the world…”; chapter 11 “new comer (newcomer)”; “He was to go on an immediate training course to evaluate his risk to the business, and also be given more time in the back office to learn about processing cases and making sure they are (were) presented accurately.”; chapt 13 “Guess who he (he’s) shadowing while he tries to get to grips with the basics.”; “The last thing I would want was for her to come home at night with tails (tales) of Reece Acres and his exciting life.”; “Next doors (door’s) dog seems very quiet for a change.”
Hope these comments help (and no, I’m not sucking up to you and your elevated rank as a TS!). Any chance of uploading any more and are you a tennis fan btw?! Merry Xmas once again too, catch you next year...

Jason,
love the first line, great main character, very intriguing end to chap 1, and indeed chap 2 (though I'd end it on "We know all about you,") And then the phone calls... (I have phone calls in mine too).
favourite line: I might be dying, but I am still no chav. - gives us chilling information but also says so much about his personality.
This is a top story (excellent title too) and you know where I've put it.
Cheers,
Simon

I'm liking this - the idea behind it, the vitality of the guy's attitude, the sales pitch. On my WL. One thing I'd suggest - the opening spiel is good, but would it be stronger if you opened with the bad news about cancer bit?? The doctor's a salesman too isn't he - selling the idea that death's a manageable experience... I'd try to make the slaes spiel thread (which i assume will continue to unravel throughout the book) as strong as possible upfront.

Have a good Christmas - I'm off ski-ing,unlikely to be back much before the New Year.

Best,
Freddie

I have started reading this and I want to carry on but unfortunatley I am a work - so I should really do some!! I am putting it in my WL and will definitely be back for more! Clare

My favourite book on Authonomy.

There. I said it.

I might well be caught up in the adrenalin of the first chapter, and I know for a fact I have 2/3 others which I count myself extremely fond of, but at this moment in time, you are my number 1. I absolutely loved this, the idea is great but the writing is even better. I pictured this so clearly, loved the characters, loved the lovable venom with which the main character operates and enjoyed Mr. Fitch and his tenacity. This is clearly going somewhere awesome. and I have to find out what that is.

GIMME AN 'S'
GIMME AN 'H'
GIMME AN 'E'
GIMME AN 'L'
GIMME A 'V'

You get the picture.

This looks very interesting, Jason. I've put it on my WL and hope to squeeze it in before Christmas.
Cheers,
Simon

kidsbright sent me to you, I will thank him later. I'll put this on my bookshelf and read as time allows. Very well done. Interested and impressed. Love the storyline and look forward to more.

This reminds me of the old 'Twilight Zone,' in a modern light. Very chilling and well written. Good Luck.

I've been in sales for the best part of a decade and I can relate to this perfectly. I like the tone of the narrator, the cynic, the sales bastard who cares for no-one. You portray his selfishness very well. I'm intrigued to see how the plot will open out, as the pitch promises an intricate tale of interwined lives with one commonality. I'm looking forward to finding out.
A few niggles, the opening blurb, the framing statement - it will work if the whole piece is structured like a sales pitch and would in fact be very clever, however if it were to stand alone, simply as a opening gambit before the story starts, then I would be tempted to start the book halfway through chapter 1, as I think the bad news is a stronger opening (imo). Also keep an eye on the similies, they're good but I found that there were quite a few in a short space of time.
Overall I'm enjoying 'Freewill...', it has a great title and the premise and style make you want to read on. And I certainly will be.

Well I don't know if I should be laughing, hiding under the covers, or just feel sorry for the mc, but I'm looking forward to finding out.

I'm learning to love the direct narrative, I've not read much written this way till I came here, but it's growing on me. I particularly liked the dueling salesmen. Ironic and laughable. I'm curious to see how this plays out and how the stories tie together.

I'll be back to read more, but for now I'll stick this on my shelf because I want to come back. Great job. Linda

I've taken a break from football and gaming ;-) Read your first chapter. Loved it. Backed it.

Let me get the boring bit out the way ~ obviously I wasn't proofing, but I noticed a couple of minor things (as one writer to another!):

middle of first chapter - "the later has more important things on their mind" >> "the latter"
end first chapter - "the glass slipped from hand" >> "the glass slipped from my hand" (this may be a matter of choice to keep the sentence flowing, but it felt a bit too much like note-form compared to rest of the writing.)

On to the interesting bit!

The chapter read very naturally to me. The prose is simple and straight to the point and summed up the ex-salesman perfectly - his blunt manner and cold assessing nature. I particularly enjoyed the interplay between the two salesmen, with their expertise creating a battle of verbal wit. I'm a great fan of that sort of dialogue and the sense of conflict always makes it more interesting!

The moody shift towards the [spoiler alert!] crunchy horror was perfectly paced for me and created a great introduction to the book. I can't wait to read more! I'm impressed at how much I already know about the protagonist and how much has already happened, despite only having read one chapter.

I find it fascinating that there is such a mirror between your insights into this character and his predicament and the book by Richie C (Tartare). Purely by accident I happened to look at his book this lunchtime. Your work is very different of course and the well-developed character you've created makes a nice comparison to the one in Tartare. One could almost write a dissertation studying the differences just because of the similar approach. Any students reading this - go and study the opening chapters of both these books!

I look forward to reading more - provided I don't get sucked into conversations with all you fascinating writery types.

Hi Jed

Sorry I've taken so long making my comments, but I hope you feel they were worth the wait.

I think with all the best will in the world we are only going to read a very small percentage of the titles on Authonomy. But I am exceptionally glad I made Free Will And Redemption one of my reads. The first six chapters have been marvellous. The book is well conceived, poignant and highly amusing. The prose fluent, and reminicent of Bill Bryson at his best, but with the added bonus of very dark undertones.

Now I have to see what lies bhind the yellow door. i shall certainly think twice before entering one! Free Will And Redemption is on my bookcase and I can't imagine that I will ever remove it.

Kind Regards. Michael Ashley Torrington. Author, 'Kristin.'

Here I am, finally. Zipped through your pitch and couldn’t make up my mind whether this was going to be a hair (nearly wrote hare--mad purple cows!)-raising thriller or a tongue-in-cheek comedy (guess having exchanged sillinesses with you previously and the bit about “the evil of the anonymous salesman” didn’t help!). You did keep me wondering though as I read F&R--you alternate between the damn creepy (Mr Fitch’s uncrushable hand and business card) and the damn funny (I especially liked: “I would go for him where it really hurt and steal his pen.”). In fact, it’s a roller coaster ride--fast and furious, with more ups and downs than the Swiss Alps (with purple cow obstacles removed!).
I loved the voice--reminded me at first of Rose in Ashes of Rose. Plugging? Me, never. It really did--going from loud-mouthed bravado to timorous admission of being scared--he’s only human (or is he?!). So, yes, I liked your evil Mr Salesman at first, reminded me of me (the way bad parking irked him and his thoughts on the Jeremy Kyle show). I was chuckling away to myself at his cynicism (“he was probably drawing stick people…”) and the way his thoughts/emotions chop and change (feelings for Karen)--man after my own heart. I even found myself sympathising with him--living on borrowed time, estranged from his wife, being stuck with dreary, mind-numbing daytime TV (he should have logged onto Authonomy!) and not knowing whether the drugs/disease were causing him to hallucinate (realistic, very well portrayed). I know, I know, he’s supposed to have killed someone, but I was prepared to forgive him that … until I got further on (read until chapter 7 and had to tear myself away--so obviously nothing wrong with your plot and hooks either!). Little hints and great big flashing neon warning signs began to appear--culminating in the way he meets and cons Karen. What a slug!
Kept waiting for the other characters mentioned in your pitch to come marching in and it took me a while to work out that the protagonist was in fact the salesman--thought it was Mr Fitch (I’m quite slow sometimes--I mean, the marketing/sales do’s and don’ts should have given the game away!). Like the way you have kept him anonymous btw--his name isn’t mentioned once … so far (have you seen Meet Joe Black?). Also noticed that all your characters, with the exception of Karen, are men--any reason?
Your writing is clean and unsentimental (don’t know where I dug that up--you should hear my wine tasting comments!) and you have some great descriptions too (a noise “like a cat trying to pull open a cupboard with its claws”), I especially like all the tactile info. Btw, why don’t you have him smell Mr Fitch’s card too? Use all his senses to investigate it…
OK, having read so far, I have 2 questions, 1 niggle and 1 suggestion (feel free to stop reading!). My first question is (you’re probably going to think that I’m finicky now, as well as “a sandwich short of a picnic”!): re. the business card, are there 1 or 2? I imagined that he crunched the first one up and then found a second in the lounge, but from his discussion with the shrink it seems as if the card he scrunches up somehow unscrunches and flies into the lounge. Nit picking! Secondly, why does he think that Arthur Miller (Death of a Salesman--clever!) is young (“young maverick”)--the way he speaks makes me think middle aged (positively old and frail--I later noticed!). The niggle is that I felt that the rapport section could have been shortened a tad, but perhaps it was simply because I was impatient and wanted him to finally meet Mr Miller! And last and least, my suggestion is to end chapter 2 with “We know all about you.”
Finally, I noticed a few typos: chapt 1 “...there are alternative forms of pain relieve--relief--we could discuss…”; chapt 4 “…, and there was a gradual ringing in my eras--ears--…”; chapt 7 “I told you on the hone--phone--I have a proposition for you, and I meant it.”; “I am going to take you to show (you) my establishment.”
F&R is great (my only reservation is that there’s no mention of chocolate in it!). Seriously though, this will go onto my shelf the minute I finish posting this review and I’ll be back for more (expect my knock at your door)...

Amazingly creepy and cool. Totally dig it/am scared of it. It's that great thing where all your emotions are plugged into the wrong sockets by the victim-slash-perpetrator, who calls forth our sympathy at the same time we have to condemn him (and therefore, ourselves) for his creaturely vengeance against 'the dying of the light.' It's like Blade Runner. 'I want more life, fucker.' Yikes. I'm not very far in but will shelve on the basis of the first three incredibly harrowing chapters. This is real horror. And horrorshow. I can already tell that I am going to be monumentally annoyed at being left hanging one-third of the way into this story ...

I really enjoy the early establishment of the voice in this book. Looking forward to reading more.

Cheers

Alan

Hi Jason

I have to agree with Mazza. I think this is an absolute winner and I can't wait to read the whole thing.

Do you have any other work in the pipeline as this is quality.

Thanks

Dales

Hi Jason!

Just finished reading chapter 9 and am still engrossed!

I loved chapter 8 with the school scenes. Very devious! You have an extremely manipulative flair there and I can't help wondering if there are any elements of truth in some of the plot for this bit?!

The conversation ran so smoothly and so real.

I am finding that the book is improving as it moves on, and the flow and pace are both quite materful.

Chapter 9 ended really well, and finding Fitch locked up in Miller's hell - that's just creepy!

If you haven't sent this off yet, do it! Get out of this place and then send me a signed copy!

Seriously, if you do get anywhere, my email addy is on my profile. Let me know and I'll get my skates on to buy it!

Take Care, you strange, strange man!!!

Mazza