Numbers Up

i like this piece, will rate it well, the writing is smooth and straight forward, good description, this allows access to the mystery, characters are believable and dialogue good, i think though the author wants to inform the reader of some mathmatical notions and theories on intelligent design, i find the ideas certainly relevant to the story, however, i think the introduction of them a little strained, i find it unlikely that the detective would get the general intoduction to these subjects through dialogue in preliminary talks with suspects and witnesses, i think it more believable if the detective brings an understanding of these notions with him, or he gets them through personal research, they still in this way can be introduced to the reader and work in the weave of the story

NUMBERS UP
I downloaded this story believing I was downloading your historical fiction novel. As soon as I saw the word “computer” I realized I must have made a mistake, but it was too late to go back. I was already into this story so continued to read.
Chapter 1. Good beginning for a story. A small thing: you write “his heart beat so strongly his lower back began to throb”. I have a hard time figuring out why that would happen as his heart isn’t anywhere near his lower back.
Chapter 2. We meet Paul and then find a murder. Good description of Paul (liked the jelly doughnut on his tie; we’ve all done that). Good description also of the crime scene. If I have a suggestion it’s that your dialogue includes a lot of so-so conversation (Hello, my name is . . ., etc). This would move faster if you could reduce that a little. Also, the fact Townsend was dyslexic seems to be revealed too coincidentally. Makes it obvious DAN is really NAD.
Chapter 3. There’s a lot of information in this chapter: everyone who Townsend knew so could be a suspect as well as an indepth discussion of mathematics and encryptions. This is what is known in screenplays as “talking heads” or two people sitting across a desk talking and talking. Next time you see a movie, notice how people are always doing two things: doing laps in a pool while discussing encryptions; fixing a broken light switch while discussing mathematics, playing fetch with their dog while naming suspects . . . the kind of thing which would give this chapter a sense of movement or action.
Chapter 4. The problem spreads to become a national security issue. Good chapter.
Chapter 5 & 6. We meet Julia. Both these chapters have a lot of scientific discussion but I was used to that at this point so it didn’t seem as heavy as in Chapter 3. The man dashing out of her apartment and, of course, the ominous writing on the mirror are good lead-ins to your next chapter.
Overall, I don’t think this is a story which will appeal to everyone because it includes so much scientific discussion, but for a reader who is looking for something heavier than the usual murder mystery, it will be very appealing. That said, I think any time you could spend breaking up the scientific discussions would be time well spent. Broaden your audience appeal.
Hope my comments help. You’ve obviously done a lot of research to be able to write this. It has the potential to be great.

The pitch got me in straight away. WLed for later, looking forward to it

Absorbing murder mystery with an esoteric edge (numbers) and left field stuff, like dyslexia and two bullets burying themselves in Crime & Punishment: cute (or twee). To me, the dialogue seemed a bit flat, though. Backed.

I like the ideas and the characters, but this needs some editing to cut out irrelevant material. I don't care that Paul dropped food on his tie or that one of his fish died that morning, or how people thought his mentor could smell guilt. I care that he has a killer to find. Little details that aren't directly connected to the story can help make it more believable, but don't stop the narrative for a page while Paul reminisces.

Likewise, I would shorten the explanations of the attempts to break RSA and disprove intelligent design. All the information you've given might well belong in the book, but I don't think Paul would be interested in the details just yet.

Incidentally, it isn't up to people like Dr Townsend to disprove intelligent design - it's up to the people who claim it's true to prove it. That's not to say that he wouldn't try to disprove it anyway, but someone should remark on it at some point. I don't see how testing DNA sequences for randomness would prove anything either way. Some sequences result in an organism that is sufficiently well-adapted to its environment to live long enough to reproduce - resulting in the sequence copying itself. Other sequences don't. A random sequence is overwhelmingly more likely to result in a non-viable organism than a viable one, assuming that the result can be considered an organism at all. But this would be true whether organisms evolved or were designed.

Move over Dan Brown and make room for Kevin Clark - I like your writing style better than his! An edgy and intriguing read so far. Backed because Id buy this.

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

Kevin, I absolutely love this book. You have a fresh and interesting story line (I like the math/science angle) along side tried and true detective fiction cliches. The rebuttal to the lady with the cell phone in chapter 1 is great. The donuts and the jelly on the tie makes me feel that I have met an old friend.

I'm wondering if you should wait to bring in the fact that Dr. Townsend is dyslexic. I have a brother who is dyslexic and when I reached the point where the detective discovered that Dr. Townsend had written DAN in blood, I said to myself, "I wonder if he was dyslexic and meant DNA." Maybe DAN stands for something else, but discovering so soon after that the good doctor was dyslexic leaves me convinced that this will be important for understanding the DAN reference. If you slip the revelation that he was dyslexic in a little later, the reader might be less likely to make the connection. Unless of course you want the reader to make the connection. As a reader, it always makes you feel good when you figure out a clue before the storybook detective.

This is the best murder mystery that I have come across on this site.

Best wishes.

Backed

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

Loved your intro. Bible quotes are always great. Not sure why, as so many people mock it (out of fear I think).
I’m commenting as I read, so you’ll see a mix here. You asked for honesty, which I like. Odd sentence “---from left to right, and from top to bottom.” Not sure how to re-write this....cascaded down the screen? Because it’s the second sentence, it has to be perfect.
Heart pounded so strongly his lower back began to throb? I can’t imagine this in any way as it’s never happened to me. Perhaps mention how the sound of his heartbeat hammered in his ears?
Super beginning though. I def want to read more. Lots of suspense, and I know this is my kind of book.
Chapter 1
Hey, good one with the fish thing. Imagination like this always brings a smile to my face. Glad to see your also not starting with the subject all the time, a common mistake. The he did/she said sentence starts grate on my nerves.
Noticed lots of commas. Commas are so person specific, so I can’t really say you have too many, just too many for me.
In the par “The call about the murder... Infamous donut incident.” Infamous implies notoriety. Unless the whole police division heard about it and it’s gonna come up later, I’d scratch the word out.
In the par. “Of course... wheelbarrows full of money...” sounds clunky and needs a better word. Perhaps the MC’s thoughts should be in italics? That’s the standard I think.
Par. “The third floor to the left...There was a beautiful...” you have ‘and’ twice.
There is a smidgeon of passive voice here and there. Make sure your reader always knows *who’s* doing the talking. Example. “The body was lying face down...” Paul noted the position of the body – face down...”
The dead man’s right arm... Typo in this paragraph.
“Yeah. Kind of funny...Usually you see one shot...” assassins always shoot twice, with one shot being to head. People have survived five shots easily.
Chapter 1 ends even better than the intro.
Nit: Careful on your telling. You tend to spell things out a bit, a habit I also have. I keep trying to fight it but see a losing battle. I think you should describe less of the clues and let the reader guess more. I felt like you were telling me what I was already quickly deducing...
It sounds like I’m being hard here but I really enjoyed this. I’m certainly coming back for more. Do you have the whole book written? This is far, far better than most books I’ve read here, and I know this has huge potential.
Happily backed

Paul

www.pauldaytonscifi.com

Eye of the Idol

Dear Kevin,
What a short pitch! It is just excellent. The theme reminds me of Da Vinci Code, quite intriguing. I never liked this sort of story until reading Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons. Now I really enjoy this genre, if you can call it that. Great writing!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Here is your chance to get a double backing. My friend, homewriter, and I have similar taste in writing and trust each other's judgment. Back my book and leave it on your bookshelf. Then do the same for his, "The Harpist of Madrid." Once the backings register, he will give you a return backing guaranteed. Just let him know in an email that you've backed my book as well as his. You might have to be a bit patient as we're 6 or 7 time zones apart. But you'll have two backings guaranteed on your excellent book. Of course, comments are always welcome too!

Backed

Ferdi
A Bed of Thorns

I like the use of foreshadowing in your "Prologue." You have woven a most complex and interesting plot, using statistics and numbers is very unique for this genre, that keeps your reader hooked. You build the character of Paul very well, your use of short paragraphs and crisp, readlistic dialogue keeps the pace of your story flowing nicely. All of this coupled with your descriptive writing makes your crime thriller a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

25 July 2010
Numbers Up opens with a well constructed prologue that gives us the real starting point of the action to come and is quickly followed by a competent introduction to a realistically portrayed police detective who does have a foible or two but nothing of an obsessive nature. (I just know I'm going to enjoy this one) Protocols, procedures, dialogue and characterisation are flawless. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

Kevin, this is a page turner. Two deaths, international intrigue in the making, a hermetic milieu of brainy mathematicians, a seasoned detective, a mysterious bombshell, suspense...and plenty of anecdotes to highlight characterization (dead prize fish, the jaywalker incident). Wow! All this in 6 fast paced chapters.

I pleasurable read... that for all practical purposes is ready for a bestseller climb (if the chapters to come follow this trend). I wish I was an literary agent on the prowl.

Take care. Backed with "gusto"!
Miguel
Absentee Bidder

WIll Of God was great, but I love Numbers Up even more! Brilliant job, Kevin!

Numbers up
Like the pitch and the dialigue'
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Read chapter 1 to 3. Emminently readable, fast paced and quickly involves the reader. The numbers aspect is a great hook and tickles the curiosity. Ondracek promises to become a new name in the detective league of top characters. Science and procedures all convince. Enjoyed what I read and this is building up into a very entertaining read.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Hello Kevin,
and wow what a short pitch and then some. very clever...Just a thought for your long pitch, and that is to put paras in. This is the first read your potential publisher may have of your work and it could give the impression of being too long, it is not but the more interest you get the better. And this book deserves the interest. CONGRATS on a good read.
BACKED by me for sure.....My book is a different genre but crossing over gave me the opportunity to comment and back your talent. Please take the time to comment on mine and if you feel so back it.

Best of luck
Denise
The Letter

Dear Kevin, I backed both of your books 19 days ago & missed commenting on this one. What a story - & the message "written in blood" - that's something else - what an intriguing story. Well written with nice crisp paragraphs & dialogue. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. Could you please take a moment to back my 2 memoir books? Thanks so very much. :)