Storm Clouds - The Long Road (Book 1)

Oh man, I'm scared. This was really creepy with the bird and all. Is there any more? I thought at first - at the start, that I needed to know who the man was, in order to care about what was happening in the chapter, but I think now it might add to the mystery. The bit when the child disappears is a nightmare, and then that bloody fun house with the 'Tom, Tom, Tom.'
Really creepy. I'm backing this, and I want MORE!
Cariad
STONES.

Backed Storm Clouds. The first chapter had us on edge. We think this has the feel of a horror story. Hope you will post more chapters.
CC Brown
Dark Side

Neil,
Strange, weird, frightening, Storm Clouds is compelling. Somehow--and I wish I knew exactly how--you keep the tension tight like a cat ready to pounce.I saw a couple of small nits, but breezed right by them absorbed in your story. Best of luck with Storm Clouds.
Caroline/ KC Hart
Summer Rose

wow this is great, where's the rest of it ? i want to know what's next, backed for sure

alison

STORM CLOUDS

A very intriguing first chapter. i like the idea of the three-decision road - which one to take. It read as if he was almost at the crossroads of his life - he wanted to go one way but was pulled the other - hopefully towards the good. Nice touch. The beginning is very spooky and mysterious and it leads neatly into the next two chapters - equally eerie and quite frightening in parts. I personally don't like dreams in books but your nightmare is so much a part of this story with the evil black bird and the little girl...ooh! It is perfectly placed in here.
As we continue into the book it becomes incresingly haunting and tense - the ferris wheel part was quite gripping.
Very well written -nicely crafted with good pace and descriptions. Your characters are well presented and they get better as the book continues.
Overall a good read - only nit is it is too short - we need more than just this taster!
Already backed this as I was intrigued from the first time I dipped into the pages. Well done.
Please when you have time I'd appreciate you taking a look at my own book - thanks
Faith
THE ASSASSINS'VILLAGE

Neil,

The opening chapter put me in mind of an old fashioned western, with the lone man returning to town.

Then the following chapter opens nicely, before building to it's drama.

This is well constructed and dramatic. Backed.

This has a nice, creepy, something just around the corner feel to it. Your style of writing perfectly fits the story you're creating and, from what I read, there's an easy-going, engaging quality to this.

If I had a quibble or two -- and I sometimes do -- it would be to watch that you don't repeat yourself eg. you have "to the mountains" in one sentence followed very shortly thereafter by another "to the mountains"; the second might read better as "He looked to those towering mounds of earth" or "He looked to the sandy, sooty masses of rock rising in the distance" or something like that. Or just describe what he's seeing instead of saying "mountains" again.

Second quibble for you to consider is that some of your descriptions felt like they ended too soon, especially in the beginning. I almost want to read more about the sand (is it blond, coarse, light, gritty, the color of sun-blasted concrete?), the barren landscape, those weeds that have pushed their way through a bleached and warped and buckling concrete road. I'd like to feel the heat he feels, get a sense of the air which makes his shadow shimmer. Something like that.

And, lastly, you caught my attention when you wrote "Ten minutes later, ... " It was so specific! Unless he glanced at a watch and timed it, it might make more sense to offer "Soon thereafter, ... " or even "A shape emerged" without a sense of time attached. Just a thought.

All in all, it was a strong beginning to what promises to be an interesting read. :^)

Jonathan
MARTUK ... THE HOLY

This is well-written and edited work. You have a natural style - the words flow with rhythm and pace. The first chapter pulled the reader in with strong descriptive passages and an air of mystery / danger. At the end of the second I wanted to read on. A minor niggle: at times you revert to stock phrases like 'plenty of scores to settle', 'run riot', 'things to do, people to see', 'suddenly, out of nowhere'. I know we all use them, but your writing is better than this. Backed.

3 scary chapters which hold the readers attention. The writing is generally taut and evocative and you've balanced show and tell perfectly. There is one suggestion I'd make, right at the start of the first chapter you write that the sannd could be seen for miles, 'seen' is a trifle weak perhaps a more powerful word could be found?
There are some line spacing glitches which are probably to do with the upload to the site, nothing you can't fix.
Backed for the promise of a tense read when it's all here.
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

Hi Neil

Well, I don't know what the first chapter was like before you revised it, but it's real tight now. There's almost something Tolkienesque about the disused road up to the mountains, and your writing is so visual and cinematic, we can almost feel the supernatural chill. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Forgot the rest - Part two

I'm surprised this isn't tagged as horror, Neil, it certainly fulfils the criteria: suspense, rising tension, shivers, shadows, the inexplicable. And so many questions about who is good or evil, where is Amy, and Tom's wife. What happened in the mines before they closed? And is there anyone capable of unravelling it all and maybe saving the people of the town. Troubling, spooky, and compelling ... backed.

Possible nits: Pitch: '...thriving mining industry, a thriving [flourishing?] community and had a...' also omit 'had'. Story: consider this slight rewording, '...led to the small town, and the middle road, to the mountains, was seldom used...' 'If he let his mind [thoughts] ... flooded his mind'. 'Mommy was tired...' see if you can cut down on the instances of 'life' in this paragraph (prospects / future / etc). 'hadn't exactly did [done?] a good job'.

The road to the mountains - generating a 'feeling of unease'. The entire start does that, 'The badlands was not a place to be at night'. So, 'the man' is returning rather than a stranger, and he has scores to settle. Who is the man coming to see Megan - the same? - why is Amy so fearful of him? And if he's anything like the dream , no wonder. The dream, the open window, the feather, the rising fear...

Tom, and his rising fear, 'This was all too familiar'. He follows the man in the hat, leaving his children, 'An eerie stillness ... hung around his feet like dry ice'. The Fun-House, someone calling his name. The bird, 'at the junction between this place and the next' ... saved by his son's voice, his daughter's touch, 'his memory was being sucked from his head'.

The farmer and The Man watching him, 'It shouldn't be natural for a dead man' - at least someone recognises him. Rose, a loner with a past, on the outskirts - he passes by. Shaya, who sees glows, who had Mr Jacobsen arrested, he passes. The bird comes for her friend. But is the man walking into town - the dead man - different from the cowboy, and who, if either, does the bird answer to?

Sorry for the repeat comments, I think their is a glitch on the site

Just finished the first 2 chapters, Its an interesting read. You build tension perfectly, leaving just enough mystery to keep the reader guessing. Let me know when you upload some more as I am hooked.

Just finished the first 2 chapters, Its an interesting read. You build tension perfectly, leaving just enough mystery to keep the reader guessing. Let me know when you upload some more as I am hooked.

Just finished the first 2 chapters, Its an interesting read. You build tension perfectly, leaving just enough mystery to keep the reader guessing. Let me know when you upload some more as I am hooked.

The second sentence I had to read twice, but once I did I understood and was able to settle into the voice. (I tripped up at "the only constant being the sand"--now that I've read it twice I don't know why it tripped me up. You have some very clever sentences here. Such as the sound not being the wind, but being *carried* on the wind. I liked that. Upped the tension in a subtle and clever way. The first chapter does it's job--makes me curious enough to read on while giving me a sense of character. I don't normally like sci-fi, but I was surprised at how easy this story was in particular to get into. Good luck with this--you have my support.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

For first chapter, read 1st para - sorry the edit function is off

- I mean - I appreciate the moody distance of him - the mystery - I don't want his mame and life history - just enougfh to create a little poignant mystery - and the 1st chapter seems the ideal place cos for me always better to write in whole chapters - esp. your opener
Ok - I guess I've made the point
simon

Pleasantly surprised by yur mean and moody first chapter - reminiscent of All The Pretty Horses, etc.
The pitch felt weak because there wasn't a person in it - no one to attach to.
The writing's good - but for me this is still a weakness -
perhaps - opening chapter - tell me where he's come from, a clue to what he's looking for, how his daughter died - why the anger's still burning, or .something to hook me to HIM, (as well as the writing / moody scene)
let his mind run riot, - doesnt seem the right phrase for him
all sorts of images... adds nothing - just show me - which you do
Anyway, hope some of that helps - over to you
simon
charlie marconi

Good scary stuff here. Double for me, because I really don't like birds close too, at least not if they are alive with their feathers on, there's something about the dino eyes and the fluttering, shudder.
A well set up plot with an excellent hook to catch the reader's attention from the word go. The feel of the landscape being also another character is good as well.

You've given us a tense fantasy story with edgy characters and vivid settings. Smooth dialogue. Razor sharp writing. Backed.

Excellent! Fantastically professional writing, and brilliant descriptions. Such an eerie air from the very beginning, and you had me hooked as soon as you mentioned the third road... Definitely reminiscent of Stephen King, in both plot and writing - and I just can't stand those who think because he writes horror he's a bad writer. He's fantastic. And so is this. I really can't see any problems with getting this published.

Good luck (though I don' think you'll need it!)

Selena Hallahan - 'With Teeth'

A compelling piece of fantasy!

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

There was a sound which carried towards him… Describing the sound, and the effect on him would be better.
‘An eerie sound whistled in his ears…’
Something like this would give an idea. I would keep all the descriptions of the sound in one paragraph.

Happy to back

Hope this helps.

Tony
Aqua Omega

Neil. I think that my comment yesterday may not have arrive. Also my backing; as I have found out that my site or computer had a glitch yesterday. So I am resending my comment and BACKING.
I would appreciate you giving any suggestions / backing or critisism of my book for younger children called Paperbat Adventures. Thanks.
Jerry - paperbat

Horrible, night-marish, and well written. That bird is terrifying. A couple of nitpicks:

The farmer then trudged back to his vehicle.
Mr Jacobsen then told her the total and her mother paid …
She glared at Shayna then they both went to the door.
Not one of those "then"s is at all necessary; on the contrary, they all add an almost audible "clunk" in your narrative. I suggest you simply delete the first two; in the third replace it with "as". In fact in that third sentence I'd delete "both" as well - who else but Shayna and her mother would you be talking about here? So that sentence could be lightly re-written to read: "She glared at Shayna as they went to the door."

Rose Scott bustled busily ... I don't think it's possible to bustle in any way other than "busily" so maybe skip it altogether, as the word "bustle" already contains your whole idea.

Finally, I'm not sure if you decided deliberately to compress ch 3 in the interests of summary, but I was startled to find no gap between little Shayna setting off to phone the police, and "The fallout from the police investigation was huge." I'd like to know more about how Shayna actually phoned: did she have to pass the evil Mr J's shop, or was there a public phone close by"? And what did she say? "I think Mr Jacobsen is evil but I can't tell you why?" I hope you're planning to expand on this, because it's important for our understanding of Shayna and her gift.
Keep at this, it's grabbed me and lots of others by the looks of it.

Neil,

Nightmarish, terrifying, and ominous - and that's just the bird! You tap well into that omnipresent fear - of having one's family torn apart by a kidnapping - and spin it to your advantage by ratcheting up the tension. I was silently pleading with the father to stay away from the threshold the bird was trying to coax him into!

Just a couple of small things: in the first chapter, the viewpoint switches from the traveller to an omnipresent viewpoint, giving us a rundown of town folklore, then back to the traveller. It's still kind of the traveller's thoughts, but I think it could be tightened up so it's more his personal thoughts.

Second is Megan's 'nightmare'. I feel you need to make it clearer whether Megan believes this is real or whether she already knows this is a dream. It seems as though she believes it's real, but then the line 'what a nightmarish scenario' seems a bit too composed and distant for that to be so.

But aside from those niggles, I found an opener to a book with lots of promise, chills and great writing. And judging by the 'Book 1' part of your title, you have so much more to offer! Shelved.

PeeJay

The "discovery by scientists of something strange in the mountains" gives the reader a foreboding about where the storm clouds will lead. An alien force that provides a new angle on the fight between good and evil. I love the way you start this: "A lone figure stood in the middle of a deserted highway." The arrival of Everyman. "Was there something up there?" The next chapter continues to layer the mystery. Emily disappearing with the "Cowboy," Tom searching for her, the bird calling his name, his memory being sucked away in the fun house, and then not finding his wife. This is fascinating. Backed for now.

Remeniscent of tales from The Twilight Zone, which always frustrated me were only short stories - would be good to see this genre revived and full-length stories like this one sustained through a series of books. Nice work, tidy and 'minimalist' on back story and not too much wordy description - gets you straight in with the characters and scenario. Elmore Leonard would most likely approve...

Best wishes, Lisa (Death And The City)

A bit like John Brunner's Man in Black, which is also a good read. You have the bones of a good story here.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

I sure like the idea of your book as it reminds me of one of my favorite books "The Stand" by Stephen King I wish you luck and will read more as I can. Beth

Hi Gerry

I appreciate the thorough read of the first chapter and have taken on board your comments.
In the rewrite, I will make the necessary changes.

Kind regards

Neil

My thoughts

Chapter 1:

Great opener, but the first sentence feels to me like it's unfinished -- like you could toss in a small piece of description. (how his shadow played along the road, shimmering ethereally in the heat--something like that.

2nd para was a great description of the area.

'At the point where the man stood...' this is the first mention of him as a "him". Maybe add in his masculinity in the first sentence? Or you could switch up how he's mentioned here. It's not a big deal; I'm just running this out with my feelers set at maximum.

--where he decides--maybe: He stared long at the road leading to the mountains, but lowered his head and set out for the town.

'It was a hard feeling to pin down...' might be overkill here. With foreboding, less is more. The reader has already sensed that something isn't right by this point. (my opinion only)

'He had encountered many a strange thing and [was] knew he would.../' Kill the was here. or 'was able to contend with...'

The part where he comes across the sign had me confused. He mentions that it'll be another couple hours, but the sign is right there. He's only been walking ten minutes. Sorry. I'm not being obtuse; I'm just trying to see it how it plays in my head. I've read it a couple of times and think I understand what you're going for here. He already knows what's on the sign, even though it's still two hours away? If I'm wrong, I'm sorry. If I'm right, you might need some tightening up of this part right here.

Please don't think I don't like this. I actually love the mood and style. I'm just chatting as I read, lending my thoughts. Any and all of what I say is, as I've said, my opinion and may not be a good one. :)

Great first chapter. The only little niggle I have is with the 'It's starting again.' line. I don't think you need to give anything away by saying exactly what 'it' is, but you could either delve into his memories or add a tad more flash of emotional recall for him.

I'll do these chapter by chapter. I've kind of grown used to doing it this way, belonging to Stampman's group. I'll hit the next chapter tonight or tomorrow morning. Gonna back this right now though. Really like the direction of this--kinda like High Plains Drifter meets Gunslinger feel to the opening that I think is great. I know that's not how it goes, but that was my initial thought that carried me in. Cheers.

Gerry
Dropcloth Angels

Thank you for the vote of confidence.

Not my usual type of read but it is different and original. That is why I cbacked it! Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

Not my usual type of read but it is different and original. That is why I cbacked it! Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

My thoughts

Chapter 1:

Great opener, but the first sentence feels to me like it's unfinished -- like you could toss in a small piece of description. (how his shadow played along the road, shimmering ethereally in the heat--something like that.

2nd para was a great description of the area.

'At the point where the man stood...' this is the first mention of him as a "him". Maybe add in his masculinity in the first sentence? Or you could switch up how he's mentioned here. It's not a big deal; I'm just running this out with my feelers set at maximum.

--where he decides--maybe: He stared long at the road leading to the mountains, but lowered his head and set out for the town.

'It was a hard feeling to pin down...' might be overkill here. With foreboding, less is more. The reader has already sensed that something isn't right by this point. (my opinion only)

'He had encountered many a strange thing and [was] knew he would.../' Kill the was here. or 'was able to contend with...'

The part where he comes across the sign had me confused. He mentions that it'll be another couple hours, but the sign is right there. He's only been walking ten minutes. Sorry. I'm not being obtuse; I'm just trying to see it how it plays in my head. I've read it a couple of times and think I understand what you're going for here. He already knows what's on the sign, even though it's still two hours away? If I'm wrong, I'm sorry. If I'm right, you might need some tightening up of this part right here.

Please don't think I don't like this. I actually love the mood and style. I'm just chatting as I read, lending my thoughts. Any and all of what I say is, as I've said, my opinion and may not be a good one. :)

Great first chapter. The only little niggle I have is with the 'It's starting again.' line. I don't think you need to give anything away by saying exactly what 'it' is, but you could either delve into his memories or add a tad more flash of emotional recall for him.

I'll do these chapter by chapter. I've kind of grown used to doing it this way, belonging to Stampman's group. I'll hit the next chapter tonight or tomorrow morning. Gonna back this right now though. Really like the direction of this--kinda like High Plains Drifter meets Gunslinger feel to the opening that I think is great. I know that's not how it goes, but that was my initial thought that carried me in. Cheers.

Gerry
Dropcloth Angels

That is how you open a book!

Loved it!

Thanks Niobrara for the comments.
Yes, I know about that and other mistakes in the prose - the update will fix all of that!

Kind regards
Neil

Hi Neil,
I loved the setting for Storm Clouds--the Badlands, and Rock City, a dying little mining town in the middle of nowhere, but surrounded by a history of who-knows-what doings. And that freakin' bird! Very scary. Well-written, too. Reminded me of some of Stephen King's settings and characters--the commonplace and the weird all mixed together over a hazy border. One nit: I think lead defines the mineral and the past tense of lead is led. Better check, though. I'm sometimes confused. Good luck with this excellent chiller. Backed.
Niobrara Kardnova (Family Irregulars)

Hi Neil,
I loved the setting for Storm Clouds--the Badlands, and Rock City, a dying little mining town in the middle of nowhere, but surrounded by a history of who-knows-what doings. And that freakin' bird! Very scary. Well-written, too. Reminded me of some of Stephen King's settings and characters--the commonplace and the weird all mixed together over a hazy border. One nit: I think lead defines the mineral and the past tense of lead is led. Better check, though. I'm sometimes confused. Good luck with this excellent chiller. Backed.
Niobrara Kardnova (Family Irregulars)

Thanks for commenting.
I shall make the changes for the next update.
Neil

Hi
Hi
I forgot to add this bit.
'The man was not afraid. He knew he would be able to contend with....'
This carves away the tension you have built up. I would suggest you leave it out. You have done this in the next chapter as well but I can't seem to get authonomy to work property and can't get back to the next chapter to let you know where.
Cheers Olga

Hi
Hi
I forgot to add this bit.
'The man was not afraid. He knew he would be able to contend with....'
This carves away the tension you have built up. I would suggest you leave it out. You have done this in the next chapter as well but I can't seem to get authonomy to work property and can't get back to the next chapter to let you know where.
Cheers Olga

Hi

This is spooky. You weave a great story. I think that your story may benefit from less telling (internalising) and more showing. You tend to give too much away.
Backed.
A return read and comment would be appreciated.
cheers olga

Ah, you're probably correct in noticing the mountains are far away - an oversight by myself perhaps?

N

Storm Clouds - The Long Road (Book 1)

Neil Colquhoun

I find good vs evil stories always appealing - and here you have a talking bird in the mix! Interesting pitches!
Chapter one, "The Visitor" read okay. Very mysterious. The mountains must be at least fifteen miles away, so how was it possible to see a figure. It was beginning again. It's the pull of this place. I am curious to see where this goes. Interesting start. Best of luck with it.

Storm Clouds - The Long Road (Book 1)

Neil Colquhoun

I find good vs evil stories always appealing - and here you have a talking bird in the mix! Interesting pitches!
Chapter one, "The Visitor" read okay. Very mysterious. The mountains must be at least fifteen miles away, so how was it possible to see a figure. It was beginning again. It's the pull of this place. I am curious to see where this goes. Interesting start. Best of luck with it.

So, a threeway battle between good, evil and a third force and we start with a highway splitting into three different directions. Nice foreshadowing.

It was the road that lead to the mountains... past tense of lead is led, although later in the same sentence you do use led, so i don't know why you used the present tense above.

The start was a little vague. People said you could hear strange things, isn't much of a claim without some hint of what sort of thingthey're talking about.

Then the man is said to have encountered many a strange thing, again not very telling.

I think you capture an ominous tone of trouble arriving,but the first chapter felt quite vague and the pace quite slow.

Amy's disappearance was handled very well. The pace moves a lot quicker in this section and although it isn't entirely clear what's going on, I found it an engaging read.

By the end of chapter two my sense is that the bird is not a good bird, although I could be proved wrong later. trouble certainly seems to follow it.

Overall a well written piece. happy to back.

Thank you for the comment.

Terrifying! I've read the three chapters and you've captured an atmosphere of menace and eerieness that stayed with me long after the read. I definitely want to read more. Backed without hesitation x

Terrifying! I've read the three chapters and you've captured an atmosphere of menace and eerieness that stayed with me long after the read. I definitely want to read more. Backed without hesitation x

Thoroughly intriguing with haunting descriptions. Very professionally done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Thanks a lot for the comment.
I appreciate it and hope you come back and read more when I have uploaded the rest of the book.

Neil

13 August 2010
Storm Clouds is richly atmospheric, almost ephemeral, and darkly impressive. Conjures up the right ambiance for this genre. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

13 August 2010
Storm Clouds is richly atmospheric, almost ephemeral, and darkly impressive. Conjures up the right ambiance for this genre. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run