The Amulet of Osiris

Lauren, your opening chapter is good work. Nothing really to nitpick in that section.

Happy to back your novel.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Who wouldn't want to know what is going to happen?! Well done! Backing.

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

Good pitch and intriguing opening should find its mark. Best of luck with this

Very atmospheric beginning.

Well done and good luck on the site.

Melxx

Excellent ghost story and backed with pleasure cause Id buy this book.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Very gothic atmosphere, the night and the wind, the writhing branches and strange sounds, death and 'the object beneath the bookshelf, which glinted defiantly in the dark alone'. Fast forward, and Emma is moving in next door, 'Could a place be both frightening and beautiful at the same time'. I like the change to more matter-of-fact language here to suit the modern setting. It makes a good contrast and still manages the spine-chilling moments, 'a face was turned in Emma's direction, guarded, watchful, cautious and glowing'.

Aptly, Emma's nightmare return us to the gothic imagery, until she awakes. 'Hovercraft parents'? I don't think I've heard of those. Jeremy explains about the murder ... and the rumoured ghost, but the poor lad gets short shrift from Emma. She does make friends with Cassie though. 'Have you ever had the feeling that something bad is going to happen?' Yep. This is a fabulous mix of horror, fantasy, crime and romance that is ideally suited to a YA audience ... backed.

Possible nits: to avoid a repeat of 'the street' and 'All', consider this slight rewording, 'The inhabitants of the houses were sleeping deeply, ...' 'fell into [across - would be less painful] his large blue eyes'. 'The last house on the street ... the last house on the street', watch out for saying things twice. 'an ounce of makeup', make that 'a trace' as an ounce would be quite a lot.

Dialogue punctuation should be: "Yes," she said (the 'she said' is part of the same sentence as what she said), "Really?" he asked. Anything that isn't to do with the 'talking' is a separate sentence, e.g. "You can never tell." He shook his head.

Love this! I'm a big fan of YA and this fit in with the best of them.

Lockjaw

Ok...I'm hooked - I have to tell you that I am in this for the long haul (even if it takes me a couple of days to get through it). I absolutely adore Emma - I see a lot of my qualities in the way that you have so vividly described her - you have solidly built a wonderful MC - Cassie is just perfect as her friend...and I just am going crazy over what I know is to come from your pitch - the romance between her and the ghost next boy - not your typical girl next door story - and I LOVE IT!!!! Sincerely, April

A well written story
Backed.
Eveleen.
(Turning an new leaf)

Hi Lauren. Your story opens with a chilling tale and certainly makes the reader want to read on. Emma's friendship with Cassie introduces the story of the house's past really well. I liked the sequence of the dreams with Richard. You certainly know how to make this chilling through your writing and have a great use of adjectives. Backed and best of luck with this! Maria (Cosmic Linx)

Hi Lauren, The nearness of the mansion with the ghost and Jeremy contrast with Emma who seems practical despite her liking to read. The first scene and the description of the neighborhood though establish a setting that she seems likely to explore. The style brought me in and Emma’s easiness with meeting people was nicely conveyed. I can see the YA reader getting involved. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

A ghost story with panache. Your pitch drew me in, and I wasn't disapointed. You have a chill to your voice that keeps your tone edgy. BAcked.

I hope you will give mine a read, and back it if you like it.
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

Just loved your pitch. Well written.
Dawn,
My Friends and Me

I love ghost stories like this, with a little romance and adventure set in. It's my perfect book! I had a lot of fun reading this, it's well written, set at a great pace, and full of mystery. I want to read much more than the three chapters I normally do so I'm going to keep it around on the watchlist for a bit! Thanks for a great read!

Missy

Smithy - this is the best ghost story - it reaches far beyond the young adult category - it is a thinking teen's book. I am so glad you put it up here! As to everyone else: I have read the entire manuscript and all I can say is that it is an excellent book with great descriptive quality and literary allusions. I think everyone here will appreciate it's depth and the mastery of its conclusion.
Ammy. :)

I adore the descriptiveness of this piece, and was pulled in by the pitch without a problem. Almost immediately, I was engaged and interested, wanthing to know more. There's a real sense of exotic with the era you have chosen, a period of history that is well-known to us (relatively), but that you've bought to life with your own nuances.

Excellent work, and backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Welcome aboard, Lauren. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch TELLS instead of SHOWS. The long pitch needs to be broken down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. Good that you end it with one succinct question. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Descriptive, evocative and an entertaining read.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Brilliant descriptive opening!
You deserve backing just for the use of multi-sensory description. Think how you have portrayed Emma is very good. Not sure I’m into this shadow thing, however I’m going to have to go back just to find out what happens. – Good luck with this!

Dear Lauren, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already backed your book, I will put your book on my watchlist. Could you please take a moment to back my completed unedited memoir version, "Tell Me True Love Stories?" I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
Here is the response I received from authonomy concerning backing:
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved."

Your use of imagery is excellent - you paint your scenes very well. Massachussets, 1882 sets the tone for the balance of your book perfectly - a sense of foreboding leaving the reader wanting to find out more. You build Emma very well and your imaginative writing makes your fantasy a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

The howling wind, the dark house, the shadow that as it passes makes the flowers wilt (glorious) all add to classic Victorian tone of this novel. It reminds me of Charlotte Bronte which is odd since you mention Jane Eyre later.
We'd all like to move into a house like Emma's and have a mysterious one nextdoor but the next best thing is reading about it.
Your description of her is lovely and the dialogue is colloquial and somehow makes the mystery and spookiness more believable, as being part of the real world. The shadow's edge (Wuthering Heights?) touching her window is terrifying. Very much backed. lynn

Written with intrigue and wonderful twists and turns to tickle the fanciful minds of the YA age group. Your style is engrossing and your imagination comes through really well.

Truly masterfully written and I have to say I admire your talent.

backed
THE THIRD EYE

Backed! Will you please take a quick peek at "Spartan Heart," and if you deem it worthy, return the favor? Thank you so much!

Kristine Cheney
Spartan Heart

AMULET OF OSIRIS
This is an interesting story. The prologue is dramatic: the howling wind . . . the open window . . . creates a good hook for your reader and set an ominous tone for the rest of the story. Emma is a good character; she’s likable and feisty; having her move in next door to the murder house is good plotting. If I had a suggestion it would be to look at your sentences and be certain they’re as active as they can be (not, “the street was shattered by the wind,” but “the wind shattered the street”. Not, “there was the silver flash of a blade”, but, “a silver blade flashed.” Either way, there’s good writing here. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Dear Lauren,

Wow how does one find these wonderful gems in their heads. CONGRATS. Characters that are so real they want to move in with me, and certainly wont leave my head. Original storyline, and so well crafted. ...Just a thought for your long pitch, and that is to put paras in. This is the first read your potential publisher may have of your work and it could give the impression of being too long, it is not but the more interest you get the better. And this book deserves the interest. CONGRATS on a good read.
BACKED by me for sure.....My book is a different genre but crossing over gave me the opportunity to comment and back your talent. Please take the time to comment on mine so I may improve my skill, and if you feel so back it.

Best of luck
Denise
The Letter

Dear Lauren, I love your scarey book - just for fun, I read the last paragraph of chapter 1 outloud (no one is here to hear me) with a shakey eerie voice (like Alfred Hitchcock's voice) & it really made the story - you should try it. :) Great job of writing! :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :) Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
backed :)
Love, Susie :)