Book Jacket

 

rank 4169
word count 14394
date submitted 02.07.2010
date updated 09.08.2010
genres: Fiction, Romance
classification: moderate
incomplete

Threesome

Nash Popovic

Three people, from different ethnic backgrounds, fall in love with each other. Can such a relationship survive in a world designed for couples?

 

'Threesome' has a deliberately provocative title and some sex scenes, but it is not lascivious. It is really a love story, examining a three way relationship. What are the pitfalls and what are the possible advantages of having two partners rather than one? Can three people love each other without jealousy? How would others, including the parents, react to it? Will a child who has 'two mums' grow up well? What happens when a tragedy strikes? Since the narrator is an immigrant, the novel is written in a simple but witty language.

 
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tags

alternative, intimacy, love, multicultural, polyamory, relationships, unconventional

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57 comments

 

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Chapters

1

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THE WORLD CAME TO AN END

‘Marko, I fell in love. Sorry. I am leaving you.’

Maria and I were together for more than seven years. She was a beautiful, fierce woman from Teruel, the capital of a Spanish province. Actually, ‘capital’ is a bit misleading. A charming town, proud of its intellectual and cultural life, but not much larger than a big village sitting in the middle of a desert. 

 

Maria came to the UK to learn English when she was nineteen, and fell in love (even if she hadn’t learned English yet). The swell of her belly was already visible on her wedding day. When I met her she was divorcing and with twin daughters, aged four. I was not that keen on kids of any kind. But sex with Maria was great and her stories even better. She had a psychology degree and was working on her PhD thesis in philosophy (for once, ‘philosophy doctorate’, which is what PhD stands for, made sense). She sucked me into the world of existentialism, social-constructivism, neo-feminism, post-modernism. I am in the IT business and didn’t know anything about these things, but somehow life started to look more meaningful. She gave me books to read. Those I read: Frankl, Buber, Camus, Zeldin. Those I skipped: A History of Feminism, Fuscous, Sartre, Marx.

 

Maria also had parents, as people sometimes do. A typical couple from that part of the world (or possibly any part of the world). They struggled at first, and in the process had two children. Then the father made some money and took to womanising and drinking. The mother, a Catholic in her heart, not just in appearance, threatened to leave him but somehow never got around to do it. Then he got ill. When he recovered, he gave up his vices and his work too. The mother was now in charge and that seemed to work for them. The children grew up as well-functioning people. The son got a job in Singapore and Maria married a fireman with a literature degree in England. The two of them, now on their own, had nothing to do. So, when Maria divorced, her parents seized the opportunity. They rented out their house in Teruel and a little shack on the seaside, and came to England to help. After all, their daughter was working on her PhD thesis and somebody had to take care of the kids. We didn’t get along well. They reminded me too much of people I’d left behind when I got here from the former Yugoslavia, and they were always suspicious of me. Or thought that I was simply not necessary.

 

Maria and I talked a lot and did a lot. We analysed, we discussed, we were open with our feelings, we drank, we were pushing all the boundaries. We were relationship explorers. Love should not limit freedom, right? We had an open relationship, we had sex with other people. We always discussed our experiences and made love afterwards (in that order). We went swinging (they really do have swings of a sort in some of those places). Only, after a while the heated swimming pool, Jacuzzi and a whole pig roasted on a spike that the hosts provided became more appealing then sexual encounters. We went to various polyamory meetings and debated how you can love more than one person at the same time. We concluded that honesty and inclusion were what mattered.

 

We tried the intimate friendship (that is, mutual friends with whom you have sex too) but it never worked for long – either for us, or for them. We still believed in this concept though. We were  committed to an open relationship, and the more open the better. ‘What if one of us falls in love?’ I asked. Maria said it was not likely, but if it happened our relationship would expand! We hoped that one day we would live in a commune of freely chosen, likeminded people.

 

I was pleased that the parents were around to take care of the kids when we were out.  But Maria was not happy. She thought they were a bad influence.

‘They are bringing up my daughters like princesses! What sort of women will they become! Marko, let’s move in together before it is too late…’

I delayed the inevitable, but after she finished her studying and got a job in London, we bought a house. It was magical. Secluded. Flower pots in the front. Open the garden gate and you are inside the park! Only two bedrooms but with a loft that could be easily converted in another spacious room. Good schools around. And yet, just five stops from Westminster. I was grateful. It was a good sign, even if I don’t believe in signs.

 

The parents had a little house in Reading where Maria lived while she was married, and stayed there. They took the kids every other weekend and kept doing with them exactly the opposite of what we tried to do (a white bread sandwich with the crust cut off served in front of the TV, versus a wholemeal bread sandwich that you make yourself and eat at the kitchen table). The children’s father emigrated to New Zealand, remarried, had a son and lived happily ever after. His daughters would visit him once a year but he never phoned or contacted them in the meantime.

 

Before we moved in together, I feared living with the kids, but was looking forward to living with Maria. Life doesn’t give a damn for our expectations. I quickly warmed to the kids, but with Maria it was a hard work. We argued a lot. Not so much fights, but long and frequent arguments, usually starting with small, almost irrelevant things. I thought this was good. We resolved all the major issues and now fine tuning remained. We discussed every single word or move. No compromises. Equality should never be taken for granted. It has to be perfect, as that song says.

 

Maria’s career blossomed. She became something of a name in her field. TV appearances as well as interviews for radio and magazines followed. She was giving presentations all over the world about how women can be equal without losing their femininity. Maria started earning a lot and travelling a lot. Me? The opposite. Working more and more from home and earning less. But somebody had to be around when the kids come back from school. It wasn’t so hard though. They loved me because I loved them, and I loved them because they loved me. We had an hour of homework every evening before dinner and a chat before sleep. Otherwise, they had a lot of freedom, which, unless they where out, included shouting my name ten times an hour (and even more frequently while I was having a shower). I never asked them to call me dad, they always used my first name. After a few years of ‘Malko’ they eventually got it right. Every Sunday afternoon (if Maria was around) all four of us would watch a carefully chosen movie together. I would make popcorn and smoothies and this became a tradition.

 

To entertain the youngsters, I pulled out every old trick that I could remember from the time when I was growing up in the Balkans. But one evening nothing worked, so I had to invent something. Maria was away (a conference or something), the girls were in their beds. I tried desperately to make them go to sleep and have my well-deserved glass of wine. Melissa (who I always considered older for no particular reason) was moody:

‘I want mummy!’

‘Mummy is away, she will be back tomorrow.’

‘I want mummy!’

I couldn’t think of anything better, so I joined my left thumb and mid-finger, hovered my hand above her head, and made the sound of a fly:

‘Bzzzzzzzzz! Here is mummy!’

Then my hand started to descend towards her head, she tried unsuccessfully to dodge it, and I gave her a gentle little flick. She giggled.

‘I want daddy!’

So, I did the same with my right hand.

She started again with ‘I want mummy, I want daddy!’. To make it worse, the other girl joined in.

So I was buzzing between the two beds. And again. And again. They were giggling like hell. Until I had enough: ‘Ok, now time to sleep’.

‘Once more!’

‘But then sleep. Promise?’

‘Promise!’

For once they kept the promise, almost as soon as I closed the door.

 

The girls were born with social intelligence. When Maria and I raised our voices during our arguments, they would come downstairs and teach us a lesson on how to be sensible. At one point though, we slowed down with arguing. Was every crease on the tablecloth of our relationship smoothed out? Or did we just get exhausted or bored with arguing? Whatever was the case – coincidentally or not – our passion in bed slowed down as well. We were often too tired, or drank too much, or had an interesting but too long conversation to have sex afterwards. I thought it was just a phase that would pass. We had so much in common and we worked so hard to get where we were. Maria thought the same. Or at least I thought so, until that day when a few words brought the world, as I knew it, to an end.

 

He was somebody she vaguely new from her childhood in Teruel. The guy became rich selling air-conditioners and was going through a divorce (I guess he hadn’t got seriously ill or his wife was not a devoted Catholic). He had a house in the centre of the town. He had a big villa with a swimming pool at the seaside and a yacht that he called ‘my little dinghy’. He never used economy class when he flew. They met at the airport: ‘So nice to see you! I could hardly recognise you. You look great! How are you doing?’ (This part I imagined; many times). He wanted to upgrade her economy class ticket to a business class one, ‘just to catch up’. She refused. He made a sacrifice and took a seat next to her, but brought champagne with him. Nothing happened this time, not even a kiss. The train of text messages, Skype sessions and e-mails followed though. It took a day for each year of our seven-year relationship to untangle it. Maria suddenly felt an urge to visit her homeland. We were at that time exercising ‘absolute freedom’. No constraints. So, I stayed with the kids. She never came back. Except physically.

 

‘What about including the other person rather than breaking the relationship?’

Maria explained: ‘He uncovered a part of me that was suppressed for a long time. I want to be adored. I want a white wedding, in a church, and a monogamous relationship.’ And that was it.

 

I knew you can’t hold a butterfly if it wants to fly away. Fine. But I wasn’t prepared for the butterfly to shit into my hand in the process.

‘Let’s go through all this together. Let’s sort things out together,’ I suggested.

‘Together.’

Maria took her daughters on holiday ‘to get away from it all, and think things through’. We agreed that it would be good to keep the kids out of the mess until they all returned and then, if things remained the same, talk to the girls together. The guy joined them in the second week of the holiday. I thought she meant us when she said ‘together’.

 

 

 

 

 

Chapters

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Craig Ellis wrote 681 days ago

What a crushing and powerful opening line. The first chapter sees an idyllic life slowly unraveling, in a way many of us are familiar with. The story is elegantly written, an autopsy of many a relationship. Very emotional at times, but that's what good writing does. Backed.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

DP Walker wrote 687 days ago

Hi Nash
A great concept and I got totally engrossed in the early chapters. You draw the story out nicely giving just enough description without halting the flow of the story. I enjoyed reading about the different types of relationships, the experiments and how the characters reacted. A courageous idea which has turned into an excellent piece of work.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Famlavan wrote 688 days ago

I have just read the first two chapters and have to say you have crafted something that is brilliant!
It almost feels like its written as a clinical social experiment, yet all the time these is the sense of underlying emotion, it’s almost as if the narrator his trying to hold his emotions at arms length. Think you have some fantastic witty little perception. This is an extremely good read!

Andrew Burans wrote 690 days ago

You have crafted an excellent storyline exploring different types of relationships. I like your use of the first person narrative - it keeps the pace of your story flowing well and allows you to explore variopus thoughts, feelings and complex emmotions. Your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

One other comment though, you do have some typo's in your Profile.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning


yasmin esack wrote 690 days ago

NASH

Love your cover, love your book. I congratulate you on your fine style of writing. Smooth and energetic.

backed
THE THIRD EYE

SRFire wrote 607 days ago

Very compelling. Backed with pleasure, Sana

CarolinaAl wrote 612 days ago

Ingenous. Riveting. A superbly tangled story. Realistic characters. Crisp dialogue. Thought provoking, perceptive narrative. Unique storyline. Spot on storytelling. An infectous read. Backed.

Bocri wrote 650 days ago

12 August 2010
Threesome. Wry humour. Self--deprecatory wit. Excellent, flowing, descriptive prose. Adult theme without unnecessary eroticism. Logical development and exposition. And a facility with the English language that is enviable. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

Romilla wrote 653 days ago

Nash Popovic: Threesome

Dear Nash,

Hmmm…I had not quite expected this read but you do effect a rather spontaneous camaraderie sounding the interest of your characters from the start. Your language flow is thoughtful yet flows smoothly and articulately, spiked with honesty perhaps in a manner to gain support from your reader.

You like to give room for your characters to grow and I can sense you bringing out the true form of your cast eventually as the story/plot thickens. This is a rather entertaining piece of read, questioning maybe depending on which angle you view it from, but in all, a read that requires a mind that is without doubt, open to the peculiar notes that relationship can sometimes drum up.

Happy to back!

Romilla
Forgetting Sally

Eveleen wrote 654 days ago

Threesome
Backed with pleasure
Lenny Harry
(Like A dot on the horizon)

Sly80 wrote 662 days ago

There are tongue-in-the-cheek moments in this classy writing almost from the off, 'Maria also had parents, as people sometimes do'. There are also many telling phrases that show the way some relationships work, 'They loved me because I loved them, and I loved them because they loved me', and the way some stop working, 'I thought she meant us when she said 'together''. In the wreckage, like so many others, Marko drinks the pain into remission, but only as long as the drink lasts. He recovers, but is determined to stick to his belief in open relationships, not discouraged by Maria leaving for a wedding and monogamy. Di is promising, and so is Francesca, but together... Hm, 'We are going shopping together on Saturday'...

Excellent writing, riddled with insight and wit: 'seemed to mould something in the centre that was not made of words', 'I like your front too', (a long and not for brackets story). I didn't spot any flaws or typos. I'm not so sure that the threesome is such uncharted territory, considering the number of polygynous marriages, group relationships, etc. But it does make for an interesting exploration of the dynamics between women and men, and an entertaining and challenging read ... backed.

Caroline Hartman wrote 663 days ago

Oh Nash,
The devil is in the details, isn't it? I read the first three or four chapters--great set up, great premise then skipped about until the end of 10. This many be way over my conventional head. They're young, shedding their parents' values, they're certainly enjoying the sex. Oh,to be so young. Where's the passion, the knock your socks off, to die for passion? The passion that holds fast during the hardships? I'm curious to see how your story ends. Does Marko set this up so he has a spare girl in case one ops out? so he's never hurt again? The story, the prose, the dialogue, the narrative, all seem so natural--you are a natural writer. I felt as if I were in Marko's head, and I suspect it is not going to end well.
Caroline
KC Hart
Summer Rose

I. Alexandra wrote 665 days ago

I wish I had the words to describe how good this is. All I can say is that I was drawn in from the first sentence and kept reading to the end of the chapter without blinking! Your writing style is flawless. This is already of publishable quality. Honest, raw, entertaining. Loved it. You are on my shelf, of course.

Lucy Heath wrote 665 days ago

Hi Nash,
Loved this. Interesting topic but mainly just beautifully written. I'd never guess if English is not your first language. It's elegant but then there's the odd really pithy bit like the comment about the butterfly! The list of books the narrator did and did not read is a great shorthand for revealing the characters concerned.
Best wishes,
Lucy

Su Dan wrote 667 days ago

you have a good idea here, and we work it could work. after reading the opening chapter, it shows you are skilled as a writer, taking time to tell this story and make it work ; watchlist for now...
read SEASONS...

Colin Normanshaw wrote 668 days ago

This engages the reader from the start. You set up the background to your MCs very well, and leave the reader wanting to learn more about how this very open relationship will develop when another key character is brought into the synamic. Backed. Colin

Joanna Carter wrote 670 days ago

Fascinating, thought provoking and very well written. Backed with pleasure.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm

Elisabeth Silvers wrote 670 days ago

Read all eight chapters. It's an interesting topic and a subject that I wouldn't normally read. I enjoyed reading it very much. Insecurity is something everyone has to master no matter what the circumstances. I like the writing style, though sometimes the way words that were used or the way sentences were put together caught me up and I would have to reread. Overall very good. Thanks for inviting me to read.

Elisabeth Silvers
Blood on the Rocks

riffraff wrote 672 days ago

Well . . . . When it comes to non fiction I don;t normal;ly do deep. BUT I must say there is something quite compelling about this narrative and I long to read the rest to see what happens to francesca, Di and Marko. I do like the idea of polyamory being aired and made acceptable rather than left to the underground although the undrerground can make it rather attractive too.

It needs a good proof reading to sort out issues of spelling and inconsistencies but well worth going the whole hog - look forward to the rest.

Oh and it appears to have many personal refernces that makes it that much more interesting.

Best wishes charlie

carlashmore wrote 674 days ago

What a fascinating pitch and deftly told. Your dialogue is very accessible and there is a nice pace to your work. You certainly throw some interesting questions into the mix and I think this could have wide appeal.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Steven Rineer wrote 675 days ago

Great concept, very fucking funny at times and a smooth easy style. On my shelf. Steven Rineer

Butler's Girl wrote 679 days ago

An intelligently written,witty tale of relationships...at this point it comes across as a commentary. I wanted more showing not telling, particularly concerning human emotion.
An excellent novel, none the less.
Alison Butler:)

Beval wrote 681 days ago

An interesting concept and one I feel can be read on many levels and from many points of view. As I read on past the relationship with Maria to Di and Francesca I became more and more convinced I was reading about a man who's head was telling him he wanted one sort of relationship, while his heart and emotions were telling him he wanted another.
His pain at Maria's departure and the pain he felt for the lose of the twins tells me that relationship for all its experiments was, for him, nearer to a "normal" marriage than maybe he realised it was.
What he experiences next reads to me like a man on the rebound, he may believe he isn't looking for a settled relationship because he is playing the field, but the small insights into his emotional turmoil suggest otherwise.
The prose here is crisp and elegant drawing the reader into the inner feeling of the narrator. Emotion is beautifully expressed without any taint of sentiment.
Backed.

klouholmes wrote 681 days ago

Hi Nash, This gets more and more interesting. Maria’s history and the succession of experiments leading to their buying a house and then her falling in love point to a change or decision. These are people who don’t want to make a definite decision and because they still have a relationship. A well-depicted lead-up to the threesome arrangement. Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Craig Ellis wrote 681 days ago

What a crushing and powerful opening line. The first chapter sees an idyllic life slowly unraveling, in a way many of us are familiar with. The story is elegantly written, an autopsy of many a relationship. Very emotional at times, but that's what good writing does. Backed.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

daffy84 wrote 681 days ago

What an interesting and yet provocative topic! Something that is rarely delved into yet so current. Look forward to reading more.
gl!
sadaf

Telegraph wrote 681 days ago

AN intriguing story with a powerful voice. Charcters and diolouge are well developed and keep the pages turning. C W

Vanessa Darnleigh wrote 681 days ago

'...covered in bodily fluids...' was a bit unpalatable but otherwise your writing is very clear and expressive...lots of great stuff here!
Cheers
Stewart

Mooderino wrote 682 days ago

The writing style is very good, quick and fluent. Very easy to read and polished.

The story of Marko is interesting with plenty of ups and downs. My only concern would be this subject matter tends to be treated in a very stereotypical way, they think they can make it work, turns out they can't. I don't think I've ever come across a story of this type that didn't follow that pattern, including those on this site. That's not to say yours will too, just pointing out my personal proclivities. So while i enjoyed the writing, the story so far (I read the first three chapters) hasn't engrossed me and I'm not particularly hooked by where it appears to be headed.

Overall a very well written piece. Backed.

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 683 days ago

You already have a following so I will simply add well done! Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

John Connor wrote 683 days ago

There is a curious blend of what feels like biography coupled with a romantic style (though not the sugary sweet variety.) It's also interesting how the writing also wraps the reader up into the story's world, and although I think the pitch could be stronger (taking out the first two sentences, and just let the title speak for itself) I found what was presented here to be very professionally written and presented. Not only that, but it reads smoothly as well, which is usually a sign that this isn't a first draft, but something which has been worked on for a little bit.

Read and backed with pleasure. Many thanks.

Wei wrote 684 days ago

Now on chapter two. I see what you mean -- it isn't whimsical. But the shifts in perspective -- light, ironic, bitter, self-analytic, honest, in denial -- are very nicely handled. Subtle and believable. Will read on --

Wei

Bill-London wrote 684 days ago

A lot of people will like it, Nash. Hope it gets published...

RayM wrote 685 days ago

This is such an intriguing story with such a wonderful voice that is easy to read. It makes me want to keep reading to find out what happens and what turns it takes. Good luck!

Wei wrote 686 days ago

I love this sort of "once upon a time" fairytale voice about the tangles of postmodern love. Backed!

Wei (Kunlun)

Elizabeth Wolfe wrote 687 days ago

I like your cover art - it describes the book very well which is important. Your pitch is good too. Overall makes the reader want to continue on. Not my subject, but I will back the writing.

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe
Would you please take a look at my book, MEMORIES OF GLORY? I would greatly appreciate your support.

DP Walker wrote 687 days ago

Hi Nash
A great concept and I got totally engrossed in the early chapters. You draw the story out nicely giving just enough description without halting the flow of the story. I enjoyed reading about the different types of relationships, the experiments and how the characters reacted. A courageous idea which has turned into an excellent piece of work.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Famlavan wrote 688 days ago

I have just read the first two chapters and have to say you have crafted something that is brilliant!
It almost feels like its written as a clinical social experiment, yet all the time these is the sense of underlying emotion, it’s almost as if the narrator his trying to hold his emotions at arms length. Think you have some fantastic witty little perception. This is an extremely good read!

Rusty Bernard wrote 689 days ago

Hi Nash,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. The pace of your book suits me to a tee, good and fast. My attention span is shockingly short. See Ya!

How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

Amylovesbooks wrote 689 days ago

Intriguing pitch which leads to a unique, introspective at times, entertaining read. Backed with pleasure.

Amy
Love Match

soutexmex wrote 689 days ago

Welcome aboard, Nash. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch does not display the main conflict. The long pitch needs to be reduced to one succinct question instead of several to pique your casual reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Lara wrote 689 days ago

You are exploring the idea, and I agree, it's not lascivious. It's believable with appropriate doubts on the part of the narrator. I don't know where you'll go with this but provided you stick to due heart searching of behaviours, it'llprobably be fine. Lots of typos, missed words, a chapter labelled Colse instead of Close and so on, so I guess you are trying this out on the site before fully editing.
Backed for bravery and proper attention to outcomes
Lara
Good for Him

nakiacap wrote 689 days ago

Very interesting questions, I have asked myself that from time to time. Backed Best Wishes


NJ Capaldi
Crescent Heart

A Knight wrote 690 days ago

This is an intense, engaging and enjoyable read. With romance there's a chance of the narrative falling down in pace, but you have not slipped into that trap, keeping it fast-paced and exciting throughout.

Great work, and backed with pleasure.

Abi xxx

SammySutton wrote 690 days ago

Very interesting! The story comes across with ease. You waste no time the pace is fast, I particularly like that.
Well written with lots of dialogue. I am curious where you will take it after ch 7.
Good Luck!
I backed
Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

name falied moderation wrote 690 days ago

Dear Nash,
wekk the first thing I always like to comment on is the book cover sheer genius in your case, loved it. your short pitch is great and just a suggestion to put a para in the long one. Someone gave me the advice and it really worked for me. This is the first read your potential publisher may have of your book, and your book is worth the read. Very well crafted with characters still in my head CONGRATS and BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
I would love you to review my book, different genre but like me cross over and comment on the craft or skill . and please comment and if you feel back my work.
again thank you for a good read best of luck
Denise
The Letter

Andrew Burans wrote 690 days ago

You have crafted an excellent storyline exploring different types of relationships. I like your use of the first person narrative - it keeps the pace of your story flowing well and allows you to explore variopus thoughts, feelings and complex emmotions. Your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

One other comment though, you do have some typo's in your Profile.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning


yasmin esack wrote 690 days ago

NASH

Love your cover, love your book. I congratulate you on your fine style of writing. Smooth and energetic.

backed
THE THIRD EYE

johnjoch wrote 691 days ago

A very different start to a love story of sorts. I liked the first chapter and on that I am backing the story in the hope that I read more soon. What I have read is good, perhaps when I get into it further I will talk again.
Take a look at my book, 'Three Stayed Home' a WW2 adventure and love story, in need of a little help. JohnJ

JD Revene wrote 691 days ago

Nash,

Saw your forum post and thought I'd check out your work.

First nit I stumbled on 'Maria's carrier blossomed'--I'm guessing that should career.

Great first chapter though. The deceptively simple style reminds me a little of Nick Hornby.

Chapter two deals with depression well--I know, I've been there--but the para in which the dog is introduced, was a little confusing for me--just the sentence about the dogs, which seemed to break the flow.

Chapter three, works well: I like the moment where Marko waits not knowing what to do. I've been there too.

Then chapter four, I feel I would have liked to see more of this scene, rather than have it reported. Nice touch with the cigarettes at the end. Oh, and I notice in this chapter that some of the dialogue was a little stilted, partly due to a lack of contractions (which would be okay for the Yugo Marko, but for his Anglo girlfriends seems unnatural).


Chapter five ends on a nice note, and that's where I stop.

Backed with pleasure.

elires1067 wrote 691 days ago

Interesting story line. It's a good story, but reads like a clinician's detailed report. It needs more feeling, more passion, life.
This could really be a great book with just a little more umph in it.

Good luck!

Mike Hunt wrote 691 days ago

It's an interesting story so far, and that's most of the battle. You did an excellent job of thoroughly summing up the relationship between Maria and Marko, yet you maintained the integrity of the story in a very complete way. I didn't feel like I was missing anything and I wasn't lost, so, well done.

You have some grammatical issues, but they're easy enough to fix. Paragraph 9, sentence 1: "carrier" is spelled "career." Fourth paragraph from the bottom, swimming pull is spelled "swimming pool." There's also a few fragment sentences that interrupt the flow of the reading, although it does have a male feel to the thoughts of your MC.
I'm placing this on my shelf; it was worth reading and I'll be sure to come back and read more.

Nash11 wrote 691 days ago

There is a dry wit in your writing that you don't refer to in your tags: I don't think tragicomic covers the drollery.
"They struggled at first, and in the process had two children" is a case in point.

I'm pushed for time just now but I'm BACKING you on your first chapter and a half which herald some excellent writing. I look forward to some spare time when I can give you more detailed responses. Good luck for now. Cheers.



Really greatful for your comment. Any suggestions for tags (when you find time)?

Nash11 wrote 691 days ago

Dear Nash, I love that you broach this subject - I have a friend from China whose dad has 2 wives - one is favored & the other feels badly - just like in Hannah in the Bible. Touchy subject in United States - you've done well in approaching it. :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :) Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

Hi Susie,

What an amazing talent spotter you are, Congratulations on being number 1! Will check on your memoir as soon as possible. Best wishes



This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

Nash11 wrote 691 days ago

THREESOME
This is a different than usual story. I’m so used to thinking of love affairs as something between two people, I wasn’t sure I was going to like this. But I do. It’s an interesting account as to how the triangle came to be. If I had a suggestion it would be to look at dialogue. You never use contractions (do not, not don’t; have not, not haven’t) so your dialogue reads as a little stilted. Either way, this is a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).



Thanks Burgio for your comment, well appriciated. I thought I used contraction all the time (checked the first two chapters). Can you please give me an example, just to make sure that I got you right?

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