A Stone's Throw Away

This isn't BS...not like I do do that...but I'll tell you why I'd read the whole damn thing... ( I did read chapter one and chapter six..don't aks why) its the prose. It's the stuff like..".he lifted one butt cheek"...I just love those small details in writing. Just enough of a glimpse of something and then we're on with the story. Is there tightening up needed... of course, but I'm no editor. I wasn't quite sure what to expect after reading the pitch, but I'm glad I read on...

lots of stars from me! A ride on my shelf when the next spot becomes available (a.k.a. tomorrow)

Cheers,
Dwayne

Brian is a charming MC; someone who doesn’t like being noticed, his distractibility and his insight into those traits. The “Dupe” and Brian’s fascination with this phenomenal instrument came across as believable and engaging which is important for the sci-fi genre that can get too technical at times and leave out the human factor. Great job! Backed.

Jaen Wirefly
Glimmers

Carl,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The dialogue also works. Is concise, to the point, with plenty of compression build, plus there some hidden jewels in there;

"he's definitely melodramatic"

"Your place will me mine and mine yours"

The jewel of the narrative however is the methodic, blow by blow description of process, for sci fy is first and foremost science heighten and for that to happen the narrative has to have a science "look and feel", the idea being that of the authoritative narrator that knows what he is doing.... so that the reader can tacitly reply,

.......ok...I trust you... take me there

.....and that you deliver

The second jewel is the premise of your narrative. Having read the first chapters and based on your blurb, you have 2 converging 'meta plots' here. First, the search for subsistance after the world has been ravaged, a fairly standard plot, from "Planet of the Apes" all the way to "AI"

Then you have the second plot, which is Brian internal migration...his search to understand....himself.....

and is that convergence of 2 plots what is unusual for, this 2 do not usually travel together:

......that is what makes this narrative original.

.....and wonderful.


Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

The first thing that I noticed missing was the landscape shot. There is a reason why every scy fy movie blows 30% of their budget on the first 3 minutes of the plot, and that reason is the landscape shot.

What the landscape shot does is present the reader with a visual world - and I stressed the word visual - he has never seen before, the objective being to create an experience immersive enough, it will create the necessary suspension of disbelief the reader requires to believe the fantastic assumptions that are what drives any scy fy plot.

Think of the beginning of 2001. Star Trek. AI. The Fifth dimension

They all spend the first 3 minutes in .....athmosphere..... creating that visual world that will make the reader say

....wow ....I have never seen this before.....

That is missing here.

I would also add a bit more description.
I didn't get a mind image of Brian, or the cafeteria in ch 2 for ex.
That could be worked a bit further.
Like you do here: "he grabed the mower...."
or here: "Beads of sweat already....."

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

Mmm, I've got very mixed feelings about this. The premise has much potential as does the telling, but it has a whimsical inclination which, dilutes my concentration and interest. The storyline majors on future developments that feature in my imagination, but here and interestingly, with a totally different interpretation. I like the ingredients but not the cake.

You have an excellent pitch and profile so I'm W/L this book and giving it top stars - goodluck and I hope you have a look at my books - thank you ! --- Backed !!!

Prime Time,

I've started A STONE'S THROW AWAY and I like it very much. It has a Kurt Vonnegut feel to it (and it can't be a bad thing that I'm reminded of Kurt Vonnegut as I read your writing!). The story has an easy flow and an original premise. There are, however, a lot of unconventional sentences from a grammatical standpoint (e.g., "Bright, it left Brian little choice but to gaze out the windows"; or "He missed the first half of the analogy; only caught that they were island hoppers"; or "As to why he was drawn to the outdoors was elusive"), but perhaps that's an element of your unique voice. Notwithstanding, in the first chapter, "half listening" should be hyphenated and "groups understanding" needs an apostrophe. Also, I think the third to last paragraph in the first chapter could use an extra sentence or two of explanation for your dumber readers (like me). In any event, I find this story entertaining and a breeze to read. Generally, I'm not a fan of science fiction, but science fiction laced with dry humor (ala Vonnegut) is a different sort of animal. A duped monkey, if you will.

Best,

Rob
(Aralen Dreams)

To Carl Lee (A Stone's Throw Away)
I found this piece of work very interesting. Throughout my read I had no trouble holding my interest. I read the lot in one sitting. Hadn't planned to, but I did. I like this a lot and can see it progressing well in literary circles. I have no hesitation in BACKING it and and I have a wee spot for it on my bookshelf. Iwould wish you all the luck possible.

Frank James (The Contractor)

I do not propose to compete with the helpful comments you already have. I found your story refreshing. A real change from crime or horror. The professor certainly had a gift for engaging his students, even Brian who preferred to look out of the window. Shelved, Regards, Anne

This is an interesting and exciting read.
It took me awhile to realise there were no females and it was only when Brian was mystified by the female fox that I realised he wasn't aware of females and their role. Of course not, everyone is duped instead. So the males pair off and then some are given a child rearing role, like Peter with Mark. An interesting way for society to work. I enjoyed the professor's lecture when Brian wasn't really listening but kept thinking of how to ask him about the fox. Very funny. I was also amused when Brian struggled to think of ten thousand people...I knew their world was a lot different than our own when he was having difficulty with that.
But Brian is bright and curious and he notices things. He's worked out how to stop the memory being wiped when a person is duplicated. This will make the much needed space travel possible and thus ensure human survival when the earth's resources run out completely. THat's the theory he's be told anyway.
However, he hasn't disclosed this to anyone yet and it is Danny and his assistant and partner Adam who have been left on the memory project, with Brian being removed. Instead, Brian is doing what the professor said he couldn't...learning to fly with the eccentric Chief Henry. This involves work outside the boundary and is both exciting and dangerous.
I don't think the professor was being totally honest with his three students, was he? He seemed to be hiding something and why did he say their profiles all indicated child rearing duties as the best fit for each one of them, when they were so different in personality? Why didn't he want them doing research or flying planes: would they cause less trouble in a child rearing role? And I wonder why both Sandy from Research and Henry the pilot act so strangely, with sudden changes in mood? I'm also curious about what Henry expected to see at the airport and what Brian will find when he flies again. I suspect he'll see things about the world he isn't meant to see.
All very mysterious and you kept my attention and interest throughout. I liked the way you constructed this new society and brought in the idea of the Dupe and the way the food and housing etc is organised. You also convince with the professor's lecture on the history of how the installations were developed and the earth's resources depleted. Very sinister and it all sounds realistic and almost possible, and yet they are being duped aren't they? Now I realise why you have the double duped in the pitch!.
I''ve a feeling Brian will soon find himself in conflict with the powerful men in the installation and he may even find some women!
BACKED.
Cherry G.
The Girl from Ithaca

Carl:
I like your concept, but I'm with you on the point that the pitch could use some work, both the short and long one. Rather than speaking to qualities of the writing or sharing feedback from other readers, I think it's more compelling to distill the story down to two or three paragraphs, leaving enough intrigue to get readers to crack the cover. Then once you have your long pitch laid out, further distill your entire book into one sentence; consider it the thing you would tell a publisher on an elevator ride between floors. You have ten seconds to sell your book - so what do you say?
Also, best to clean up the typos and grammatical issues before posting, I believe. Hope this is helpful.
Best of luck with your book.
Peace,
Christian Piatt
PULLING THE GOALIE

Nitpicks:
Syntax: Bright, it left Brian little choice… Sounds incomplete, would suggest: Its brightness left Brian with little choice…
…he heard Danny ask (trying to clarify)…a bit clunky. Suggest leaving the bracketed words out. Since Danny is the class clown, I assume his question isn’t serious and therefore he’s not really asking for clarification.
Repetition: (Danny) was more or less the class clown…(Danny ) always cracked the first joke… (Danny) didn’t mind. You’ve used his name over and over in close proximity. Because, at this point, we’re focusing on Danny, there’s no need to. Suggest rejigging along the lines of: Danny was more or less the class clown…Always the first to crack a joke or bring something unusual… he didn’t mind the spotlight.
Adverb: Almost (noiselessly) a slight giggle escaped the group. Don’t need the bracketed adverb. The word ‘slight’ indicates the giggle wasn’t loud. Show not tell.
Adverb: …which provided (abundantly). Suggest, which proved abundant. Try to avoid adverbs wherever possible and only use if there’s no viable alternative.
Wordiness: (Not able to visualize,) Brian gave up trying to picture that many people. Don’t need the bracketed words, the next sentence says it all.
It continued (to) beckon (to) him. Don’t need the bracketed words…
He wanted to know why they had bothered. Don’t need this. His question alone indicates his desire for an answer.
Wordiness: (as he abandoned the senses of hearing and sight) don’t need this. ‘A deep silence spread…’ has already indicated this.
“Will it do a computer terminal?” Pete asked, (with something just as complicated but larger). Not sure what this is meant to convey. Is he asking if the Dupe is capable of producing larger items. If so, why not incorporate it into his question.

This opening chapter is, on the whole, well written. There’s a slight tendency towards wordiness and overuse of adverbs, where viable alternatives could be use, but on the whole an intriguing and original piece of writing. Backed.

Wow - you certainly have a talenyt fro drawing the reader right into your story proper and compelling them to keep reading! Awesome read so far and very unique story line. Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

A unique and intriguing story, well written withn description and dialogue. As you have said it will appeal to some people, hopefully a large readership.
Good luck, and thanks for backing Flawless Murder.
Regards David

Intense. Edgy. You provide us a gripping science fiction story with an intelligent, thought provoking plot and fascinating characters. Rich imagery. Polished writing. Backed.

I love realistic science fiction, and this has got to be one of the best I've read for an age. It was gripping, fast-paced and interesting right from the start. You make great use of descriptions and dialogue, and it makes for a stunning read.

Backed with pleasure!

Abi xxx
Relic

Well researched, imaginatively written. Sometimes the narration is a little 'distant' but perhaps only to me - another unpublished author who knows nothing so please don't take offence. In Chap 1 where you are re-canting the history, it is a little like you want us urgently to get to chapter 2. But this is good interesting stuff - and you can write, perhaps you should let us get closer to the charcters. I like it, will back it and look forward to the movie. Hapless

Your use of short paragraphs and crisp dialogue keeps the pace of your story flowing well. Your book is character rich and I do like how you develope the character of Brian. You have crafted an intriguing storyline, one that has relevance to today's world, and your imaginative writing makes your science fiction adventure a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Backed! Intriguing way to start your story. Who hasn't sat and half listened to someone ramble on and on? Danny fades in and out of the professor's lecture until the reader is neatly pulled into the story wanting more. Love the idea of a food processor as a means of transportation to and from space. Very original! Hope you will take time to look at our book Dark Side, a paranormal thriller.

Hi Carl

The long pitch is fine. Something's gone wrong with the short pitch (copy paste etc). The idea is intriguing although I thought there was a little too much exposition in the opening. Somehow you have to find a way to get that information in more naturally. I like the Easter Island analogy and the interaction of the 3 boys. Lots of potential here. Backed.

Nicole (Chosen)

Carl, your pitch is really good. I would take out the entire last paragraph - don't toot your own horn right in the pitch. One confusing sentence: "First they were duped and then they were duped." Is the repeating a typo? Otherwise it's quite good and makes the reader want more!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe
Would you consider backing MEMORIES OF GLORY? I thank you for taking a look.

Carl,

Returning your read. And this is an intriguing story, with some classic sci-fi elements.

The banter between the prof and the students works well, I was less sure about the value of Brian's reflections on the other students as they spoke: I'd be inclined to let these students reveal themselves.

And the recounting of Stan's experiments are great--especially his final go, leaving us with a strong hook to read on.

Happy to give it a spin on my shelf.

Hi Carl
I read the pitch and didn’t have a problem with it unlike others have said. I got nice and comfy and settled in and found that I flew through the chapters with ease. The thing about Sci Fi is a bit the same as Fantasy and that is providing it could actually happen and is accepted by our interpretation it works. I found myself reflecting on this throughout the day, always a good sign. Backed with pleasure

Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley – I hope you take a moment to check it out

Hi Carl,

Just keep enjoying the praise and accepting the crits and you will be great. Well done.

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
The Mental Pause

Hi Carl, Interesting to read the science technology in the middle of its development. The duping for travel sounds like it will have unpredictable effects. Smooth writing and the student characters brought me into the story. The synopsis is intriguing with the duping taking Brian to a worse dilemma. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

I actually read this ages ago, on Gather, and liked it. I read it as a reader of Science Fiction and thoroughly enjoyed it. But I was intrigued by Jay's response....just intrigued

Hello – Just so that you know, I tend to comment as I read, as if I was thinking aloud, and I don’t crit grammar etc. because there are plenty of people who are much better qualified that I on this site. If I have read your book and commented it is because I enjoyed it and truly believe it has value and so I don’t often make negative comments. The exception is if you have specifically asked me to read and then I believe that you deserve an honest opinion.

A Stone’s Throw Away

OK to recap – like the fishes, puzzled about the pitch –

I don’t usually enjoy reading Science Fiction but this is so real and believable so far that I am finding it fascinating, you have brought the characters in the classroom to life very quickly and present the arguments taking place in such an accessible way that I really feel as though I am there – well done you, that is really great writing. I like Brian already.

The dialogue is really great, flows well and reads as believable conversation, I know that is a strange comment but so often writers (especially those of us who are still on the foothills) don’t manage to cross over from written to written spoken if you understand me.

I am very impressed by the world that you have created, I am relieved that you are using “real” names and I am enjoying this book. I think it is quite witty the way that you have managed to have this young man in class thinking about sex, even though he doesn’t actually realise that is what he is doing. Made me smile.

The way that you have used the lecture to fill in the story is ingenious.

Douglas Fairbanks?!!!! (Please tell me that Stan’s surname wasn’t Laurel)

Correct me if I’m wrong here but you just intimated that the “not male” fox was the result of a mistake?? Hmmm – I think you may be too clever by half sir.

Ha – at last I have found out – Sandy is also Male – I see what is happening here you varlet - 

This is a much more complex tale than it first seemed, there are levels and layers here that I am only just detecting. The relationship thing in Chapter 5 is very subtly done.

Aaagh – please don’t let him have a “eureka moment in the shower” that is almost an insult all you need is him running naked through the streets talking about displacement levels!

I am surprised that Brian gives up the project so easily – especially when he believes that he has found the solution – however, I am sure it all fits in to your greater plan.

The plane flight was very well done, I did find the bit about needing the can and then calling the cabin the can etc. a bit confusing but it was all great fun nonetheless.

Great hook at the end there, we are already realising that there are more than gremlins in the woods.

Ok - this is great, I have thoroughly enjoyed it and as I said at the beginning it isn’t anywhere near my usual choice. I am of course backing this and will be interested to watch it climb – Diane

Dear Carl
this is a different sci-fi, original storyline, congrats on that. The long pitch is what grabbed me and said read and I am glad I did. good pace, vivid characters, I have not read it all but will carry one.
BACKED for sure by me
I do hope you review my book, please comment and if you feel, back it.
Thanks and BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR BOOK
Denise
The Letter

Carl -

A stone's throw away - this seems a timely theme and a good story, although the pitch gives only a sense of it. I like the writing, so I would be drawn in and be enticed to read more.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

You are totally fantastic, Carl! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my 2 memoir books? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. You have a wonderful friend that wrote your pitch for you - God bless him, too. :)

Hope this had some value.

After reading Jay's comment, and am glad he took the time, I had to read his work to see how the master of the craft himself wove his tale.

I'll leave it for everyone else to decide. I want to travel the high road here...though 'twould be easy to make a wrong turn and end up on the low road. Hmm, maybe that would suit me. After all, a little notoriety may help the cause.

Okay, the low road briefly. Hopefully this isn't all the further writing has evolved, if it is, then it's time for change.

Cool, go for it, everybody needs to start backing this and thank god for constructive criticism.

This is a fine book, well polished. I read most of 6 chapters, and found not a single error to quibble about. You even spelt 'complement' correctly, and hardly anyone does that. (For others reading, 'compliment' is to praise and 'complement' means to round out or complete.) Ch 3, one of your characters is Douglas Fairbanks. But isn't he a real person, and could that lead to complications? And the 'find this here' in the middle of CH 6, mystified me. I'm sure you know what you're doing.
Excellent work. All you have to do is make a decent book-cover, and work on the pitches. Backed with pleasure. Marj.

Hi Carl, "A Stone's Throw Away" shows, through Brian's experience, a plausible system of teleportation with a minimum of pseudotechnology, against a projection of mankind's consumption of the resources needed for survival. In short, it's philosophical sci-fi told as a simple tale of a boy's adventures. It could be enjoyed at any age level, a character-driven story of ideas that bears a vital message for today's world. I'll gladly back it now and return to read further when more text is shown here.

Bill Carrigan
THE DOCTOR OF SUMMITVILLE

Hi Carl. I like Brian and the way he absorbs everything like a sponge. He's a good MC. Your story has a good concept and leaves quite a scary thought about how the future could be. Your writing flows well and holds interest. Backed and best of lucj with this! Maria (Cosmic Linx )

It's different but I was waiting to see whether there was any underlying comment about what is supposed to be happening here. the leap from lecture to experiment was a bit sudden, in terms of the professor's professional risk. Backed.
Lara
Good for Him

Hi Carl
This is a fascinating story and one which gripped me despite not be hugely into sci-fi. You've managed to introduce quite a good level of scientific knowledge without confusing non-reading scientists (like me) and making the story flow in an entertaining way. And yes, your pitch has to be spot on in this very competitive environment - imagine you have 200 words to sell it and go with that.
Best of luck
DP

Just got to the transportation of the monkeys and loving this!
I very much like the little touches of irony you inject into your writing, it makes the storyline very good. You build characters so well in the lecture, for me it grounds the story in place and time (well for a while). Enjoyed what I have read of this. – Good luck!

They're all correct. Change the pitch asap. Especially change the short pitch, it's all that appears in the list of new books and would never get anyone's interest. I only picked it up because I wanted only SciFi today.

Decided to place A Stone's Throw Away on our watchlist in spite of the pitch. When we first placed our book Dark Side on Atuhonomy, it was suggested by several readers that we change our pitch. We followed that advice. We are glad we did.
CC Brown

I have to admit I remain dubious about the pitch - it doesn't provide anything to work with, and the best way to consider a pitch is to think of it as a back cover blurb. If you don't want to actually sell your work, then fine, but the pitch does nothing at the moment.

I'm also unsure as to the target market/audience - and in some respects this reads very much like a first draft. You may well find that putting it aside for a month or so, and then coming back to it with a more focused approach may well help to smooth out some of the kinks and wrinkles in the way characters act, react, and interact with each other.

Sorry to sound a little negative, but for me there wasn't enough to keep me wanting more, or even a flavour of what the whole might be like.

I love your academic intro to this story - it is very well written and subtly intriguing - i want to buy this book and have it to peruse at my leisure - I will back your book and I hope you will have a look at my books - good luck !

Marvellous .....................

Welcome aboard, Carl. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. Both pitches need to be written, though I rather like that short pitch as I like to boast as well. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Not completely sure I agree with your pitch! But did enjoy the first chapter. Pete, Brian and Danny are well defined and the reader can equate to them. Best of luck with it. Backed.

Rosemary (Ziggy Chalan)
RIDING HIGH

CARL LEE, WHERE ARE YOUR PITCHES?

Interseting read and quite well weaved.

backed
THE THIRD SIGHT

Good luck. This is a link to a thread on the forum explaining how the site works: http://www.authonomy.com/Forum/posts_new.aspx?threadId=57319

Charles

Hey MLD, thanks for reading. I promise, I'll always leave room for improvement. hehehe

Hi Carl Lee,

I read Chapter One of ‘A Stone’s Throw Away’ and felt that you have something interesting to work with here. -But, need to polish it. Be sure to read your writing out loud - or have someone read it while you follow the text. It will help you to find oddly worded phrases/sentences. (This method has helped me with my work in progress, and will prompt changes soon!) With that said, I like the banter between your characters, just be sure that you don’t get to wordy and repeat the same information. Keep up the good work and happy writing…..

I've listed a few items below.

That Brian had only been half listening was something that happened more often than he would admit. - this could read smoother. I strongly feel that the use of the word ‘that’ to start the sentence is what makes it read awkward. Plus, I kind of like the sound of ‘more often he would like to admit’.

As Brian gazed out the windows, he heard Danny ask trying to clarify…. - You can drop the word ‘as’ at the be beginning of the sentence. NOTE: he heard Danny ask…. So, Danny asked a question, this would imply that he do so to clarify. Therefore, you don’t need the use of both in the sentence (he heard and trying to clarify), it just seems wordy.

…it just gravitated to him. - What gravitated to him? Being the class leader or the class clown? - not sure what you are trying to point out.

your pitches should read as hooks to reel in the reader. read a few others for examples.

Lisa~
Brewer House

Classic sci-fi, it seems to have the knowledge of science and an eye to its potential and consequences that remind me of HG Wells. It's beautifully written.
Sci-fi buffs will be in seventh heaven to read of things like the Earth being an island in space and discussions of planet hopping.
' When someond dies we use the Dupe to replace them' - it's creepy in its coldness as are the descriptions of the monkeys and then the professor being vaporized. It's not my usual read but i can appreciate its inventiveness and imagination.
My only criticism would be the pitch . I think the reader deserves the right to make up his own mind about the book and for that needs to know more about it. The more you disclose about this, the more we want it. Backed. lynn