Book Jacket

 

rank 5466
word count 18799
date submitted 05.07.2010
date updated 05.07.2010
genres: Fiction, Romance, Fantasy, Young Ad...
classification: moderate
incomplete

My Killer Intuition

Diana-Jane Berquist

A Nephilim named Miah, ridding the world of the 'beautiful monsters' that plague the streets, intoxicating those in their paths with the power of seduction.

 

Miah is a Nephilim, an offspring of an angel and a mortal, which gives her an immense capacity of power. She's beautiful, talented and smart, the best recipe for an assassin. Being trained at a young age to hunt and kill those 'beautiful monsters' that turn rogue, Miah, continuously puts her life on the line to protect those around her and rid the streets of the intoxicating Vampires, Faeries and Lycanthropes of all blends. Things take a turn of the unexpected as Miah meets an intriguing stranger named Xavier. Immortals aren't usually authorised to stick around once they've fallen from grace. Although Miah finds out that Xavier was brought up by his angelic parent. However this isn't what concerns Miah. His ways of finding information and killing methods are unusual which Miah finds un-nerving to what his motives are.

 
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tags

assassin, faeries, family, fantasy, fiction, nephilim, passion, preternatural, romance, vampires, young adult

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37 comments

 

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celticwriter wrote 599 days ago

Hi Diana, I'm not a critic, just a mere scriptwriter who appreciates a good visual. Your pacing is consistent, structure builds....a good read. :-)

blessings,
jim
jack & charmian london

Kevin Alex Baker wrote 608 days ago

Diana,

This is creative and fun! I like that you've melded the darker subject matter with that bored-and-annoyed adolescent voice for Miah, which gives her a lot more credibility as a character. I read on much longer than I thought I might, and I don't know a better compliment to give.

Nice work! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

Pia wrote 620 days ago

Diana -

My Killer Intuition - a dark, laconic voice that rings sharply authentic. This intrigues and makes me want to read on. Enjoyable writing, too.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Sly80 wrote 653 days ago

'Just messy', hm, so that sums up the life of a Nephilim? She certainly sounds ticked off with her lot. And no wonder her mother worries: everyday weapons are pistols and knives, while special occasions call for Uzis and flamethrowers. This isn't a girl to mess with, dressed to kill in peep toe pumps and a cute cocktail dress. Don't forget she's Aussie as well as half-angel, hence the Red Bull before setting off. She turns out quite effective with the vampire, then, 'grabbed a baby wipe from my purse', well, you would, wouldn't you? And there's that guy again, 'I knew you were looking for me'. My money says that's Xavier.

Chick-lit meets YA meets Romance meets the supernatural, with attitude in shovel-fulls. It's funny, dark and hot, and Miah is every bit the teenager despite what else she is. There's a tongue-in-cheek feel to the story that sits well with the Australian setting. A few rough edges yet on the writing (some suggestions below) but it's skilful and shows real talent. The target audience will love this ... backed.

Possible nits: Pitch: 'take a turn of [for] the unexpected'. Consider the following rewording after 'fallen from grace'. 'However, despite Xavier's unusual methods of extracting information and killing, it is his motives that Miah finds unnerving'. Story: 'and Moon, [and] the rest of the branches' then delete 'are just as bad'. 'brown eyed girl then [than] I would'. 'You're [Your] worst nightmare'. 'people that [who] dispose of bodies'. Watch for changes in past / present tense, e.g. 'She has black hair ... She was naturally'.

Just a word of advice on editing your chapters on authonomy, in case you haven't already: use UPDATE to load the edited chapters. Don't use DELETE and then reload as this can cause problems.

JD Revene wrote 656 days ago

Diana-Jane,

I like the little aussie touches--Brown Brothers and our Hyde Park--and your MC's Sex in the City approach to monster hunting: the second walk in closet.

There's a good story here with a great 'whatever' voice. Couple of places look like the odd word may have been missed out and a read through probably wouldn't hurt, but the story carries this.

Good pacing and great attitude, backed.

Eunice Attwood wrote 592 days ago

A fascinating fantasy story. Well written with interesting characters to round it off nicely. Backed. Eunice - THe Temple Dancer.

Vanessa Darnleigh wrote 596 days ago

Sounds like Miss D-J B has a bit of the nephilim in her herself (judging from the profile)! I can't say I've read too much on the subject and have no inside info on nephilistic (?) behaviour and attitudes...what I can say is that you write with style and confidence but could pay more attention to basics such as punctuation et al. I like it and so backed!
Cheers
Stewart

celticwriter wrote 599 days ago

Hi Diana, I'm not a critic, just a mere scriptwriter who appreciates a good visual. Your pacing is consistent, structure builds....a good read. :-)

blessings,
jim
jack & charmian london

Bocri wrote 599 days ago

This is a great story and should do well with its target readership. Unfortunately there are quite a lot of typos. which interrupt the flow e.g. "brown eyed girl then [than] I would", "Miah, why do [you] use glamour", "screamed the bar tended [tender]". A tight self edit should pick these up along with the missing commas which are needed to make some of the sentences clearer. Sorting out these points should allow the story to come across as well as it deserves.
Backed
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

Lynne Ellison wrote 602 days ago

An interesting supernatural thriller, and good use of the Biblical story of the Nephilim

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

Kevin Alex Baker wrote 608 days ago

Diana,

This is creative and fun! I like that you've melded the darker subject matter with that bored-and-annoyed adolescent voice for Miah, which gives her a lot more credibility as a character. I read on much longer than I thought I might, and I don't know a better compliment to give.

Nice work! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

MickR wrote 620 days ago

I don't read much in this genre but I imagine, vampires, lycans, and faeries will have interest to the Ya audiense. The writing is fine but some cleanup is needed.Here are a few examples from the prologue. Words in [] are not needed. IMO
I prowl my days and nights [in] hoping to rid the mortals of the unclean.
…, it does make things easier, but takes [up] a lot of power [to do that], and sometimes I [you] need all the power [you] I have [doing] to do what I do.
MickR - The Nightcrawler

teremoto wrote 620 days ago

The story captivates from the onset with all the powers and challenges of the spunky MC laid out. The narrative is evenly paced and easy to get comfortable with.

Pia wrote 620 days ago

Diana -

My Killer Intuition - a dark, laconic voice that rings sharply authentic. This intrigues and makes me want to read on. Enjoyable writing, too.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Diana-Jane wrote 621 days ago

A very strong voice,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, backed with pleasure.

David.
Saving Starfish
c/o Hotel Le Brambily.



Thank you very much :)

tennison wrote 623 days ago

A very strong voice,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, backed with pleasure.

David.
Saving Starfish
c/o Hotel Le Brambily.

lionel25 wrote 644 days ago

Ms Berquist, I enjoyed the prologue. Smooth starting and ending lines. Good first-person voice also.

Happy to back your work.

Joffre (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Sly80 wrote 653 days ago

'Just messy', hm, so that sums up the life of a Nephilim? She certainly sounds ticked off with her lot. And no wonder her mother worries: everyday weapons are pistols and knives, while special occasions call for Uzis and flamethrowers. This isn't a girl to mess with, dressed to kill in peep toe pumps and a cute cocktail dress. Don't forget she's Aussie as well as half-angel, hence the Red Bull before setting off. She turns out quite effective with the vampire, then, 'grabbed a baby wipe from my purse', well, you would, wouldn't you? And there's that guy again, 'I knew you were looking for me'. My money says that's Xavier.

Chick-lit meets YA meets Romance meets the supernatural, with attitude in shovel-fulls. It's funny, dark and hot, and Miah is every bit the teenager despite what else she is. There's a tongue-in-cheek feel to the story that sits well with the Australian setting. A few rough edges yet on the writing (some suggestions below) but it's skilful and shows real talent. The target audience will love this ... backed.

Possible nits: Pitch: 'take a turn of [for] the unexpected'. Consider the following rewording after 'fallen from grace'. 'However, despite Xavier's unusual methods of extracting information and killing, it is his motives that Miah finds unnerving'. Story: 'and Moon, [and] the rest of the branches' then delete 'are just as bad'. 'brown eyed girl then [than] I would'. 'You're [Your] worst nightmare'. 'people that [who] dispose of bodies'. Watch for changes in past / present tense, e.g. 'She has black hair ... She was naturally'.

Just a word of advice on editing your chapters on authonomy, in case you haven't already: use UPDATE to load the edited chapters. Don't use DELETE and then reload as this can cause problems.

Andrew Burans wrote 655 days ago

You have crafted a most unique and compelling storyline and your use of imagery is excellent. I especially like your use of the first person narrative voice as this allows you to build the character of Miah very well- it helps bring her to live. All of this coupled with your imaginative writing style ensures that your work will have a broad appeal with the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

lizjrnm wrote 655 days ago

Wow - you certainly have a gifted imagination and the talent for putting it to words. This is well crafted and engaing to say the least! Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room.

tisseurdecontes wrote 655 days ago

You have a fascinating story line. Your work is well written and quickly draws in the reader. The idea of "glamour" as a power to make Miah look ordinary is an interesting twist. This should do well here.

Backed.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

Mooderino wrote 656 days ago

Good writing and I liked your protagonist's voice. An enjoyable read. Backed.

JD Revene wrote 656 days ago

Diana-Jane,

I like the little aussie touches--Brown Brothers and our Hyde Park--and your MC's Sex in the City approach to monster hunting: the second walk in closet.

There's a good story here with a great 'whatever' voice. Couple of places look like the odd word may have been missed out and a read through probably wouldn't hurt, but the story carries this.

Good pacing and great attitude, backed.

PatrickArmstead wrote 674 days ago

Hi Diana,

Very good pitch by the way. Beautiful Monsters is a clever and intriguing way to describe vampires. Miah is a wonderful character that easily wins over the reader. Xavier, however, is mysterious--I'll have to continue reading to learn more about him. This is really good work.

Backed 100%

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

klouholmes wrote 680 days ago

Hi Diana-Jane, A curious introduction and it’s more curious how the monsters are beautiful. Miah’s closeness with her mother when she doesn’t understand her mission makes me wonder how she is informed of her tasks and it made me wonder about her father. The narration has a few repetitive places that could be tightened up. Miah’s preparation in going out bodes of some exciting events. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)


lynn clayton wrote 681 days ago

The narrative is gutsy and starightaway makes you want to read it. It may be fantasy but there's nothing faye about it. The use of the first person is another device to grab our attention and in a market crowded with such characters invites us to stop and read.
You know your audience, that's the main thing, and give them what interests them in an enthusiastic way. Should do very well. Backed. Lynn

missyfleming_22 wrote 684 days ago

I'm really loving books about angels lately and this one really grabbed me. The Nephilim adds an interesting mix to the story and I think fans of this genre would love this. You've got a great voice and a wonderful heroine. I also liked the fast pace of this, it kept me involved and wanting to know more. Definitely one of the better books I've come across the last couple of days. It's exactly what I would have picked up at the store.

Best of luck with this!

Missy

DP Walker wrote 685 days ago

Hi Diane-Jane
I found this really engaging and compelling and entirely suitable for the genre. I did feel as though it din't get going until the third chapter when you started using dialogue more freely, but overall, a very entertaining read with touches of humour.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Famlavan wrote 685 days ago

This is good, in fact it’s more then good, it’s brilliant!
I was surprised at the little touches of humour that makes this that much better then some of this genre. Just got to her calling for the cleaners and I’m enjoying this immensely – great read. – Great book!

drachat wrote 686 days ago

I love your MC, Miah. Very strong-willed and determined, but in a good way and for the good of others. Very descriptive. I especially like how you portray her mother, like many mothers out there, so normal in her world that is anything but.

Very well-done and happily backed
Denise

Would you mind having a look at my book, "Road to Redemption: From Cop's Daughter to Convicted Felon?"

Diana-Jane wrote 687 days ago

Hi Diane-Jane,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation



thank you for taking the time regardless :)

Rusty Bernard wrote 687 days ago

Hi Diane-Jane,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

SusieGulick wrote 688 days ago

You are totally fantastic, Diana-Jane! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my 2 memoir books? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

yasmin esack wrote 688 days ago

Diana-Jane

Very, very clever

backed
THE THIRD SIGHT

R.A. Battles wrote 688 days ago

Hi Diana,

After reading your pitches and looking thrugh your chapters, I'm happy to back you.

Rodney

Jim Darcy wrote 688 days ago

Sassy, confident and with a wry sense of humour, Miah engages the reader's sympathy and interest from the off. Well written and with enough original touches to involve the reader. A fine example of the genre that should quickly find favour with your target audience.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Jim Darcy wrote 688 days ago

Sassy, confident and with a wry sense of humour, Miah engages the reader's sympathy and interest from the off. Well written and with enough original touches to involve the reader. A fine example of the genre that should quickly find favour with your target audience.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Despinas1 wrote 689 days ago

Hi Diana, This is a great pitch, and sure to attract many YA readers. I have backed it on the strength of your pitch and will return with further comments.
Helen
The Last Dream

name falied moderation wrote 689 days ago

Dear Diana
this is the third book on the Nephilim I have gone through on this site. Your book is original and vivid, with characters that really are very active in my head. I have a suggestion for your long pitch and that is to put paras in as it gives the impression of being rather long when it is not. This could be the first read your potential publisher will have of your book but just a suggestion. I believe your book deserves to be read. This is not my genre but I am glad I took the time and had the inclination to cross over and find a book as yours for the talent and skill.
My book is of a different genre but that is the beauty of this site, and if you could find the time to go through and 'comment', on my work, I would be so happy, as this will enable me to improve as a writer. and if you so feel back it. Again BEST OF LUCK with your book

Denise
The Letter

SusieGulick wrote 689 days ago

Dear Diana-Jane, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already backed your 2 books, I will put your book on my watchlist. Could you please take a moment to back my completed unedited memoir version, "Tell Me True Love Stories?" I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
Here is the response I received from authonomy concerning backing:
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved."

Diana-Jane wrote 689 days ago

Dear Diana, I love your heroine - falling for Xavier is a given, in my mind because I like hopefully happy endings. :) Your pitch & prologue are excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :) Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
backed :)
Love, Susie :)



Of course!! thanks for the fantastic and quick feedback, much appreciated! I shall do that :)

SusieGulick wrote 689 days ago

Dear Diana, I love your heroine - falling for Xavier is a given, in my mind because I like hopefully happy endings. :) Your pitch & prologue are excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :) Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
backed :)
Love, Susie :)

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