Forbidden Blood

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Charizma. I also really like your use of the first person narrative voice. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Forbidden Blood has been sitting on my watchlist for a while now. The story is interesting and engaging; I keep hoping you'll add more chapters. Your characters definitely have a life of their own, and as you write them I can picture them, can hear them. They are clearly well thought-out and I want to see where their lives evolve from here. You've taken the urban fantasy genre and crafted a great story.

Where I think there is some room for improvement is the pacing of the story. Everything happens so quickly I feel like I'm jumping around, trying to keep up with the changes in the plot: Riz is adopted; her entire family are vampires; James is in love with her; Leah is a vampire; she's been betrayed; Riz is now a vampire; Riz goes to boarding school. There is so much plot, so much story there, and so little time for Riz to adjust to all these incredible changes. I think it makes Riz seem a little less real to me, her ability to take so much in stride so quickly.

I also really like where you've taken your mythology on vampires, however I think it needs to be made a bit clearer to the reader what becoming a vampire entails. I would think Riz would have some more questions before she made that change.

With an adjustment to the pacing and some small tweaks to the writing this book would be on my shelf. I hope my feedback helps! Keep up the good work.

S. Smith

FORBIDDEN BLOOD is the perfect title for this book/story. Perfect for YA (though I am far from a yound adult myself and loved it). Hope there is more to come.
Best of Luck
Amy J
A RISING MOON

FORBIDDEN BLOOD
I like this book. I like the way you sprinkle French throughout the dialogue. Mine is pretty rusty but because you always use that within a context, I followed it readily. Riz is a good character altho I did think she took the news that she was adopted a little too calmly. I would have liked her to show more spunk (waiting until she was twelve really wasn’t fair). Either way, you have a good fantasy here. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I'm afraid the first thing I noticed were two typos in the first line of your pitch - you have 'you're hearts' when it should be 'your heart's' - sorry but it kind of jumped out at me. There are a lot of similar typos in the first three chapters, which an editor will pick up on.

I like the idea of Charizma being given a choice at sixteen, but there are so many YA vamp/werewolf/angel books in the marketplace right now and they're all set in high school, so you've set yourself a really difficult task. You will invariably be compared to the Meyer and Nast vampire series, both set in high schools as I'm sure you know.

James is a nice brooding hero . . . very important to have at least one of those. His obsession with Charizma is interesting too. I think that's a nice and unusual touch - it makes a refreshing change from the brooding stranger.

I think someone else mentioned 'adapted DNA' but I think 'inherited DNA' might make more sense as that is what we do.

My advice - if you want it :) - would be to go through these nine chapters with a fine toothcomb. Be ruthless. Prune and edit. Watch for the punctuation errors - there are quite a few - and sort them out. It sounds boring and not creative I know, but when you read it back afterwards, you'll be amazed at how much better the flow is. Get rid of any superfluous words - they are there - when you read it again, you'll spot them. Trust me, it will sparkle for a bit of editing, the potential is there and I'm full of admiration that you've written not one - but two novels.

I hope this helps.

Wishing you the best of luck,

Berni x
Renegades

So i finished what you have here and I hope you add more becuase I would love to read more...I think if you go back tru and closely proof then you would have a amazing book. I like your characters but I agree with a lot of the other comments that you nine chapters should be spaced a little more....dont get me wrong i like the way you jumped right in there, but maybe a little more deatil about Leah and her being a vamp and then a little more time between each nre "life-changing" event. I ended up at the school a little too quickly for my taste. SO i think if you give a bit more, like make your nine chpts into say 12 i think you will have a lot more Luck\
Luck

hey thank you so much for the feedback!!
KN Gee

So i finished what you have here and I hope you add more becuase I would love to read more...I think if you go back tru and closely proof then you would have a amazing book. I like your characters but I agree with a lot of the other comments that you nine chapters should be spaced a little more....dont get me wrong i like the way you jumped right in there, but maybe a little more deatil about Leah and her being a vamp and then a little more time between each nre "life-changing" event. I ended up at the school a little too quickly for my taste. SO i think if you give a bit more, like make your nine chpts into say 12 i think you will have a lot more Luck\
Luck
KN Gee

After reading chpt 3 and 4 i am deffinetly gonn afinish this i like it. But really go through and proof....some of your words are not capitalized and some of your " are not in the right place....but keep it up....this has potential...i will write more when i finish.
KN Gee
P. S. if you could, take a look at mine
Shadow Queen
Thanks

Okay, I really like the story line, you leave a lot of openings for people to think what they want without leaving any to be wanted. Lots of possibilities. But in the first chapter there are a few words that are misplaced. I would watch using "however" it doesnt seem to fit where you have them. Also "adopted some of her DNA" would be better than "adapted".
Maybe proof a little more....some of your senteces at the beginning are all over the page.

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Charizma. I also really like your use of the first person narrative voice. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Fantastic, very vivid in your descriptions and very teen like narrative. Will keep reading on but On first sight it is entertaining and a good read. I would fix your conversations though they don't read easily because of the spacing.


Rionach kerrians

Shoan

FORBIDDEN BLOOD is the perfect title for this book/story. Perfect for YA (though I am far from a yound adult myself and loved it). Hope there is more to come.
Best of Luck
Amy J
A RISING MOON

I just completed the manuscript 3am this morning so I'm looking to see what I can do with that now.

Forbidden Blood has been sitting on my watchlist for a while now. The story is interesting and engaging; I keep hoping you'll add more chapters. Your characters definitely have a life of their own, and as you write them I can picture them, can hear them. They are clearly well thought-out and I want to see where their lives evolve from here. You've taken the urban fantasy genre and crafted a great story.

Where I think there is some room for improvement is the pacing of the story. Everything happens so quickly I feel like I'm jumping around, trying to keep up with the changes in the plot: Riz is adopted; her entire family are vampires; James is in love with her; Leah is a vampire; she's been betrayed; Riz is now a vampire; Riz goes to boarding school. There is so much plot, so much story there, and so little time for Riz to adjust to all these incredible changes. I think it makes Riz seem a little less real to me, her ability to take so much in stride so quickly.

I also really like where you've taken your mythology on vampires, however I think it needs to be made a bit clearer to the reader what becoming a vampire entails. I would think Riz would have some more questions before she made that change.

With an adjustment to the pacing and some small tweaks to the writing this book would be on my shelf. I hope my feedback helps! Keep up the good work.

S. Smith

FORBIDDEN BLOOD is the perfect title for this book/story. Perfect for YA (though I am far from a yound adult myself and loved it). Hope there is more to come.
Best of Luck
Amy J
A RISING MOON

I'm really diggin' the narrative voice you've created here. I felt like a ghost following Charizma around. I also appreciated the way you revealed your details, slowly over time, and not all "telling" without showing either. My only quibble is that I don't know if your prologue is entirely necessary...as a reader, I could figure out something was coming up. Other than that, the writing here is fluid and crisp, and Imma hafta back dis, yo.

:)
Melissa
Burns Like the Sun

FORBIDDEN BLOOD
I like this book. I like the way you sprinkle French throughout the dialogue. Mine is pretty rusty but because you always use that within a context, I followed it readily. Riz is a good character altho I did think she took the news that she was adopted a little too calmly. I would have liked her to show more spunk (waiting until she was twelve really wasn’t fair). Either way, you have a good fantasy here. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Thank you so much for you're great feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed the twinge of french. I've always loved the language and studied it. With Charizma (my character) I think reason for her being as calm as she was, was the shock. But I will take what you said into account and shall add a little more 'spunk' :)

Welcome aboard, Diana-Jane. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch works. Never use dialogue as your pitch. The long pitch needs those paragraphs broken down so they read faster. You need that for a YA audience. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

FORBIDDEN BLOOD
I like this book. I like the way you sprinkle French throughout the dialogue. Mine is pretty rusty but because you always use that within a context, I followed it readily. Riz is a good character altho I did think she took the news that she was adopted a little too calmly. I would have liked her to show more spunk (waiting until she was twelve really wasn’t fair). Either way, you have a good fantasy here. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Dear Diana-Jane, I just discovered that you have another book that I'm backing. :) It'a written just as well as your other one - nice crisp paragraphs & dialogue. :) Great intrigue - heroine is something else - glad I'm not her, though. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. You already backed one of my memoir books. Could you please take a moment to back my other one, "Tell Me True Love Stories?" Thanks. :)

Thank you so much for your support. It truly is a blessing to be recognized especially after reading a few chapters of your novels. I'm humbled.

cheers,
//DJ.Berquist
http://dianajanesworld.weebly.com

Dear Diana-Jane, I just discovered that you have another book that I'm backing. :) It'a written just as well as your other one - nice crisp paragraphs & dialogue. :) Great intrigue - heroine is something else - glad I'm not her, though. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. You already backed one of my memoir books. Could you please take a moment to back my other one, "Tell Me True Love Stories?" Thanks. :)