Morpheus and the Dream Stone

Sometimes one comes across a children's book with that extra added ingredient and this is one. Magical. Thank you for sharing your tale, I was mesmerised.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Lovely beginning -- hints of Neil Gaiman creepiness, but lyrical, too. Good luck!

Wei (Kunlun)

Alex, this is fantastically written, with good premise. I like it very much. Thanks for a good read.

Ariel

Magical story, magically written!
Well structured with good depth of metaphor – this should do very well. – Good luck!

A beautiful magical tale - a metaphor for self-healing, growth, finding one's own strength within.

A fascinating read for many reasons: a great study of human conscious' development and heartfelt observation of human's relations and their mutual experience.

Superb writing skills! Alex you are a true talent.

Backed with utmost pleasure.

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

First and most importantly, this is a lovely, well-written story. It is enchanting and not because of the magic it speaks of, but because of the tenderness in the writing.

There are some minor things that I think might need to be changed, and I've made notes on these things -- only from the first chapter. If you agree, you'll get the gist of what I'm talking about. Some of what I've mentioned, and I'm particularly thinking of the way the word "sat" is used in a sentence, may not be wrong, but it may be that the structure of a sentence with that word might be slightly different in the UK -- or elsewhere -- than in the States, and I am from the States so some things I may be pointing out as typos or suggesting they are not accurate may in fact be quite accurate, just different from the way that I'm accustomed to hearing them.

Before mentioning the things I found questionable, I want to reiterate that I find this to be a thoroughly charming story and I wish you all the best in the world with it. I have not finished it yet, but I will, and will be back with a final comment after I'm done.

Chapter One -

It seems like either the word "was" needs to be deleted or the word "sat" needs to be changed to "sitting" in the following sentence:
"And all the while that Piotr WAS SAT there imagining this luxurious comfort, his mother was inside sweeping..."

With regard to that sentence, I'd go with "sitting" over "sat" because it goes with the actions that follow, with his mother "sweeping," "polishing," etc.

I would also consider breaking it into two sentences. After "hearthrug" I'd put a period and then start a new sentence. "For his tough, wiry, elfin-like mother..."

Perhaps there needs to be an "s" added to the word "heel" in the sentence:
"In the minutes that followed, Piotr watched glumly as several more.... and not long afterwards, the mothers left in a chattering gaggle, with much clicking of HEEL, jingling of keys and revving of well-tuned engines."
Or, make "key" and "engine" singular to go with the singular "heel," but making "heel" plural seems like a better plan.

You might consider changing the colors of the first girl who arrives at the party to something other than glitzy purple since Morpheus arrives in a glittering purple van -- then his vibrant colors will stand out as his own.

In the following sentence, the word "as" seems like it is supposed to be the word "was":
"His dark greying hair was long enough to reach past his broad shoulders and his barrel of a chest AS swathed by a cloak of rich, purple velvet."
Also I don't think you need the comma after the word "rich."

No commas needed after the words "generous," "high," and "boots" in the sentence:
"Generous, black trousers ran down into high, leather boots, with gleaming buckles."

No commas needed in the following sentence after the words "hand" and "battered":
"In one hand, he carried a large and rather battered, black case."

I won't say more about the commas, just that they don't need to be in a number of places.

No question mark needed after the word "before" when Morpheus introduces himself to Piotr, and says, "and I am here today to entertain you with magic the like of which you have never seen before?" There is no question in that sentence, it's a statement.

"...stiff at having been sat down for so long" sounds like someone plunked Piotr down on the step as though he is an inanimate object. Perhaps something like "stiff from sitting for so long..."

I had to read this sentence several times and found it awkward. It may be me, but it seemed awkward.
"I do not doubt for a second that your generous spirit could not possibly allow young Piotr to be excluded from the fun and frivolity."

There is a period after "grand" that doesn't belong in the following sentence, it does need a comma after "that" and it does not need a comma after "large":
"...and with that Morpheus strode into the large front sitting room of the grand. grey house and placed his large, black case on the wooden floor with a confident and resounding thump."
Should be:
"...and with that, Morpheus strode into the large front sitting room of the grand grey house and placed his large black case on the wooden floor with a confident and resounding thump."

The word "seething" implies a very negative state of turmoil and I am wondering if these girls are seething. Most of the time someone who is seething is in a state of absolute fury. "Jane was seething mad," for instance. So the sentence:
"The room was seething with giggling hoards of tinkly-voiced girls..." might be better with a different word than seething. Something like "full" or "brimming" or "packed" or "teeming."

"Greeting" needs an "s"
"Greetings, young maidens..."

No need for a comma after "wink" in the same paragraph.

Possibly the word "who" or "that" could be inserted right before the word "sat" in the following sentence:
"Oooh, there's a butterfly,' came a voice from amongst the girls WHO sat on the floor behind him."

"were" does not need to be in the following sentence:
"...which fluttered off over the heads of the now silent girls, who WERE sat open-mouthed on the carpet below." Also, the word "below" doesn't need to be in the sentence.

That's all I have, and again, I have to say, I think this is a wonderful story. A special story.

Wishing you all the best,
Judy

Alex, I really got sucked into reading the first chapter. Good job on this.

Backed with pleasure.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

You provide us a poignant story with an intelligent, thought provoking plot and fascinationg characters. Rich imagery. Polished writing. Backed.

Alex

I love this. I love your descriptions, I'm right there sitting with Piotr on the front step, I love the idea, believe me when I say I'm not normally this gushy. This is fantastic. Why is it not higher up the rankings? Backed.

Nicole (Chosen)

Alex

I love this. I love your descriptions, I'm right there sitting with Piotr on the front step, I love the idea, believe me when I say I'm not normally this gushy. This is fantastic. Why is it not higher up the rankings? Backed.

Nicole (Chosen)

Delightful story and an original (to me anyway) premise. I like the way it cracked along, and I will back it.
But I believe you have made a fundemental error in starting the book too soon. I think this would work better if you start with Morpheus arriving. We don't need Piotr's thoughts, or the girls arriving. Any info that precedes Morpheus can be worked in later as Piotr starting at a new school does. We don't need to hear it twice.
He looks up as the Magician enters, and you're off and running.
In my opinion it would make a better start, and more likely to grab your readers. Remember, the age group you are aiming at are not patient readers.

I thought the start was a little slow. Lots of hypothetical pondering about what he would or wouldn't might be doing that went on a bit long (imo). Once Morpheus arrived (actually from when the girl arrived) it picked up the pace immeasurably and really took off. Very engaging and told with an assured touch. Very good (imo). Best of luck with it. Backed.

I could have sworn I had already commented on this wonderful piece. However, it seems not, so here goes.

The first thing that struck me was the sense of style imbued in your prose. You have a unique voice, which is conveyed all the better by the technical accuracy of your writing. I did not notice any errors, although I have to say the I was immersed In Piotr and the wonderful Morpheus.

Fabulous work.
Abi xxx

This is, as you describe it, a thought-provoking book. It is quite beautifully written in clear, clean prose so there is nothing to stand between the reader and its messages. And those message are strong ones, of the power of dreams and friendship; that a single person, however small or young, can make a difference; that with confidence and will terrible obstacles can be overcome; that dreams can indeed come true.

Mr Cook is a fantastic creation, larger than life, entirely believable and trustworthy. I hope he has a counterpart in the real world - he is much needed.

But, I am afraid, I was not entirely comfortable with all the thoughts your book provoked. In my non-authonomy persona, I'm at that stage of life where I'm reading lots of children's books. Yours I read because of your reference to 'Marianne Dreams', a book that baffled (and frightened) me as a child. But because it did this, I never quite forgot it, and when I reread it recently, I finally understood it. I don't think your book would frighten any child, or baffle them. I think you have been quite careful to make sure it doesn't. Your characters have encountered all kinds of difficult and frightening situations but only in the first case, that of Piotr himself, did I actually wonder what sort of ending would be reached. After that, the unbroken pattern meant each time I knew all would be well. Perhaps that is part of your object in writing it (see below) but the world is a scary place; finding out and facing up that in books is one way of learning how to manage fear in the real world. This is clearly what you are addressing here, presenting in a fictional form methodologies to show children how to manage fear.

This leads me to my next point, all the best children's books have an edge to them, a shiver of 'what if...' 'Marianne Dreams' is, as you know, a good example of this: Marianne's divided self means that she acts both as protagonist and antagonist. I think this shiver is lacking here, where all the stories have happy endings, and oftentimes a single dream is enough to bring understanding and so a resolution. If only this were true...

Hence, one of the uncomfortable thoughts your book provoked in me was the question of how far the strong positivity in this text is, in fact, entirely helpful? Sometimes the world is unfair, sometimes bad things happen, sometimes there is nothing anyone can do. I'm certainly not saying you should have written a tale of unrelieved gloom in which no amount of struggle or kindness makes a difference in the face of an indifferent world (there are enough books like that already!), but I'd have welcomed a hint, no more than that, sometimes not everything can end well, despite our best efforts. This, just as much as the power of positive thinking and self confidence, is something that children, as much as adults, need to come to terms with.

I wonder if this arises out of your book being written to have a purpose as well as a story. To my mind at least, the needs of one are in conflict with the requirements of the other. Yet, at the same time as I criticise it for this, I understand (or, at least, I think I understand from reading your profile and pitch) that this duality is the very reason that you wrote this story in this way, intending it to create positive thoughts and act as therapy almost as much as literature. Whether it would work as a therapeutic aid, I am not qualified to judge as I know nothing of hypnotherapy. If all my comments have entirely missed the target, I can only plead my ignorance. I will conclude therefore by saying only that, as a reader, I would have liked more tension, perhaps in the form of a negative counterpart to the main theme.

Anyhow, all these are merely my own thoughts. They carry only as much weight as you choose to put upon them. I back books for all sorts of reasons, but this one I backed because it made me think. It's not often I come across a book upon Authonomy that has challenged my ideas about the reasons for telling stories as much as this, and it's been well worth the time spent reading. I hope that lots of other people read it, and think about it, and I wish your writing every success, here and in the real world. Best wishes, Harriet

Hi Alex,

This is wonderful story. It was well written, though watch out for an overuse of adverbs. You have a great imagination. Believable characters and natural dialogue. It was a joy to read.

Shinzy :)

I really like how you slowly build the character of Piotr - you bring him to life. The way in which you introduce the reader to Morpheus early on in your story is well done. Your crisp, realistic dialogue, your intriguing storyline and your imaginative writing all help to ensure that your fantasy will have a broad appeal with the children's audience. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Wonderful use of mythology woven into a story that children of today can understand. The characters are sympathetic without being pathetic: not easy to do when presenting characters with disabilities. The writing has a lyrical quality. I'm backing this one.
When I am stuck revising my own novel I will look to "Morpheus" for inspiration.
Nice

What a lovely children's story. I wish I could offer something helpful, but I can't think of a thing for you to do to make it better! I wish you the best of luck with it!

Alex -

Morpheus and the Dreamstone - Piotr, glum, while pondering the start at a new school. Already you have the ear of your audience. Much about Piotr, his wiry, elfin-like mother, and his station in life, is shown in a few paragraphs. The first chapter sets a light and enchanting tone while foreshadowing mystery. The melodic cadence of the writing makes this an enjoyable read.

Backed recently. Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Backed with pleasure for talented writing and a gifted imagination.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Gorgeous use of rhythm and repetition moves this story along like music, 'cold, grey, stone step', 'cold, grey step', 'grand, grey house', 'large, black case'. I suspect Morpheus himself may have penned this and is using the name Alex Gorringe as an alias.

Sadly, the party girls are rather cynical, 'Yeah, right, does he think we'll believe that?' Unlike Piotr, who realises he is 'in the presence of true magic'. This bit is so touching, 'Please let this school have a friend for me. Just one. I'm not greedy'. The circus acrobatics are described as clearly as the magic act was. And there is the magician again, right on cue, 'What you dream you will believe. What you believe you will achieve'.

Well done, Morpheus, this is a truly enchanting tale, embedded with subtle but important messages about illness, disability and social disadvantage, and also about hope and empathy and the right kind of success... backed.

Possible nits: 'shoulders[,] and his barrel of a chest as [was] swathed'. 'he gasped spontaneously', is that a bit redundant?

This is well written. Best wishes with it and it is on my shelf. Dave

Hi Alex, This is enchanting. Although the first few paragraphs, introducing Alex, might be a little difficult for children to enter, the story simply takes off when he’s waiting for his mother. The whole scene with the privileged girls and the butterflies of the magician is delighting to read. And Alex’s reaction to the stone is beckoning to the synopsis. The children and events there sound involving especially as you have shown how well you render a scene. Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Sometimes it's our dreams that set us free. It gets a little too real at times for comfort, but then again our dreams do too. Piotr's word is richer having met his new friends, and so is our world, having met his.

Janine McCaw
Helens-of-Troy.

Love, love, love this. Of course, that may be more an indication of my maturity level than your writing capabilities. Still (and I may just be saying this to make myself feel better about being so enchanted by a childrens' tale), I suspect this story is ageless. Other than blathering on about further nonsensical musings, I'm really unsure as to what I should write in this comment section. I suppose if I had to say something negative, I would say that some of your sentences are a bit unruly. Especially considering your target audience. I'm all about the short, punchy sentences over the rambling, pretty ones. I tend to loose my train of thought on brambles (again, a measure of my maturity more than your writing skills). Anyhow, I did love it. Good luck with this work.

Jessica

MORPHEUS AND THE DREAM STONE
Alex Gorringe

This story is really moving, poignant and heart rending. I feel for those little children who have to bear the heaviest things in life. You write with such understanding of how young minds take these things. I feel so thankful for Morpheus who helps them see a different way to think about what troubles them.

You have done a marvelous job with this. The characters are all special and each has a unique personality. Juggling so many characters is an art and you have really mastered this skill.

Backed with best wishes for the success of your sensitive story.

Mary Enck
Author of A King in Time

What a wonderful book.Backed.

What a wonderful book.Backed.

I could buy this and say its for my granchildren and only when ive read it all, hand it over. You have the skill the craft the insight. Thank you for a superb bit of entertainment. I'm so glad I came across it.

Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley

Hi Alex, children will really love this. It's very entertaining and well-written. Bravo.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

What a terrific read this is. Very lyrical, with a nice pace you have achieved what is very difficult to do - combined elements of fantasy with a sad reality making a most original read. Any criticisms I have are extremely minor but I'll mention them anyway. You don't need a comma after 'contemporary' in your pitch. In Chapt one you mention the term 'grand, grey house' four times (inc the chapter heading) which felt somewhat repetitive. STill, I thought your characters were wonderful and Piotr was immediately engaging. I like this a great deal and hope it does very well.
Carl
The Time hunters

Hi Alex
A really magical children's story. I love the way you mix fantasy with the realistic back drop of modern day London. It is really engaging and easy to delve into. The characters are fantastic and I'm sure kids (and adults) will love it.
DP Walker
Five Dares

I really enjoyed reading this!! Keep it up and have a great summer!!

Zeus

Such an enjoyable read, I really liked this. it's original and well written and exactly the kind of thing I would've read as a youngster....oh even now as an adult! I think it's got a little something in it for everyone and lessons we can all learn from. You've done a wonderful job with this, I'm so glad you shared it with us.

Missy

Magical story has great appeal for children. I think you have a real winner here!
BACKED

Elizabeth Wolfe
Would you consider backing my book, MEMORIES OF GLORY? I thank you for taking a look.

An enchanting beginning, with a perfect voice and pace for children. One minor issue I had was your use of Piotr's name so much. It became distracting to me, although I appreciate if you've done this for some effect. Personally, I didn't like it but that's just my opinion. You start this story off perfectly otherwise; I really enjoyed it.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Hello,

From the beginning I really like Piotr, his character is great… endearing. I love the way you position him as the lonely day dreamer.

Some of your descriptions really stood out, like the way Morpheus unfolds himself and Piotr wishing her could ,elt into the wallpaper.

I think your dialogue, style and content is great. I do think that if you just ended chapter 1 with ‘wait until tonight’ it would be more powerful. The words are very enticing and more of a cliffhanger for the end of chapter. I am sure the reader would know he wanders off with his mother when she is done.

Great story!
Kirsty
Prygon: The Circle of Dark Magic

I read some of this to my eight year old and she enjoyed immensely.
Backed

NJ Capaldi
Crescent Heart

A brilliant premise for a story and well-written - wish I'd thought of it :)

Jane Holyoake (The Spiral Pendant)

Alex, this is fantastically written, with good premise. I like it very much. Thanks for a good read.

Ariel

Lovely beginning -- hints of Neil Gaiman creepiness, but lyrical, too. Good luck!

Wei (Kunlun)

Hi Alex. Your story has a great concept. You portray the characters really well. Piotr is absolutely adorable. I think his encounter with Morheus was voiced well. What a great magical character he is, captivating the children as he would captivate the reader. Very best of luck with this! Maria (Cosmic Linx)

Morpheus is one in a million. Not only does he entertain for a living he is also full of compassion. I think that this is a great story for children . Those with any sort of handicap will be wishing that they could meet such a man. Regards, Anne

I like this a lot. Engaging, quick to enter the action, and a very likeable main character in Piotr. It reads like an older fashioned story - and I mean that is the best way - it's full of magic and hooks, and the magician manages not to be just like all the other wizards knocking around at the moment, he's a wizard with all his own feel. Well done. Going to put you on my shelf.

This is really nicely done and highly enjoyable. My only tiny suggestion is that you don't need to use Piotr's name quite so often after you've introduced him and used it 2 or 3 times. You can go to 'he' so that the narrative flows smoothly. I hope you don't mind me mentioning that?? But it is so lovely and that's such a tiny flaw. Well done. backed with pleasure. Myffy (Expected)

Magical story, magically written!
Well structured with good depth of metaphor – this should do very well. – Good luck!

I truly enjoyed the first chapter...great read for middle grade. You have hit your target audience perfectly. The suspense of what might happen to Piotr that evening after his encounter with the magician and the girls...and how you say in your pitch that they are all connected...it makes it for an exciting read. Well done, April

What a wonderful story - I do hope this gets published because it will delight children and adults alike. Very clear, imaginative writing. Jayne

Alex

Fine story and you create a wonderful character in Piotr. Ceertainly a winner and well suited for the young mind
backed
THE THIRD EYE

Good luck. This is a link to a thread on the forum explaining how the site works: http://www.authonomy.com/Forum/posts_new.aspx?threadId=57319

Charles

Alex, excellently written with such a meaningful message that is conveyed in an enjoyable way! Backed. CW (To Save the Sun)

I came upon your book by chance. Very good writing. You carried me thru 4 chapters, which is all I have time for. I like your characters and the use of Morpheus to alleviate their worries. I missed conflict, though. Piotr (you called him poitr 3 times in ch. 4 though, you might need to do a find-and-replace.) has had everything handed to him with no effort, so far. I feel the book (this part anyway), would benefit if you showed how Piotr's teased and bullied, how he can't do sports, etc.

A suggestion: instead of being invited in, have Piotr sneak to a landing or something to see the magic show and meet Morpheus later, maybe he can do a good deed after the show, rescue a cat from being run over, find a prop the magician dropped or something. Anyway, make him a more active participant in the adventure, not just have things serendipitously given to him.

I'm backing this, but I think it could use a bit of vinegar before reaching an editor's desk. I was getting tired of all the sugar.

If you'd like, take a look at my novel, Friends in Dark Places. Take care,

JohnB

A beautiful magical tale - a metaphor for self-healing, growth, finding one's own strength within.

A fascinating read for many reasons: a great study of human conscious' development and heartfelt observation of human's relations and their mutual experience.

Superb writing skills! Alex you are a true talent.

Backed with utmost pleasure.

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

This is the kind of book I would have read as a child and remembered for years afterwards. Your descriptions of Piotr sitting folorn on the steps and the rich ittle girls filing past is vivid. Morpheus is an apt name for the magician and his tricks are full of originality and imagination.
It promises to be a delight. There was only one false note for me - when one of the little girls says, 'Oh, my god.' Didn't sound in keeping with the rest of the narrative.
Excellent, though, and backed. lynn

Hi Lynn
Many thanks for your lovely comments, and I completely take on board what you said about the "Oh My God". In an earlier draft, I had one of the children say something slightly worse at one point, which I felt was justified, but my 10 year old daughter told me to take it out. She was right, and you are too. I will replace it with something more appropriate when I get the chance.
Regards
Alex Gorringe

This is the kind of book I would have read as a child and remembered for years afterwards. Your descriptions of Piotr sitting folorn on the steps and the rich ittle girls filing past is vivid. Morpheus is an apt name for the magician and his tricks are full of originality and imagination.
It promises to be a delight. There was only one false note for me - when one of the little girls says, 'Oh, my god.' Didn't sound in keeping with the rest of the narrative.
Excellent, though, and backed. lynn