Book Jacket

 

rank 683
word count 12127
date submitted 07.07.2010
date updated 13.08.2010
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Crime
classification: moderate
incomplete

The Contractor

Frank James

James McAuley; journalist, family man and a cold blooded killer if the price is right... but then the hunter becomes the hunted...

 

James McAuley, mid twenties, university educated, married with two young children living in Belfast was interested in a movement to bring twenty-year olds into politics. The movement grew but did not appeal to the established political parties. Their power was threatened so they arranged for James to be charged with terrorist offences. He lost his family, home, job and was sentenced to twelve years in prison. At his trial there were hints he had hunted down two political activists who stole party funds and shot them.

He became a bodyguard when he was released under the Good Friday Agreement and from Iraq to Afghanistan he guarded the politically important. He was, however, capable of becoming a cold-blooded killer when hunting those who put him in prison and for money.

A beautiful woman enters James' life and turns it upside down. Is she what she appears to be or is she there to assassinate James?

 
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tags

, assassin, belfast, bodyguards, crime, hitman, revenge, terrorism, thriller, violence

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Springtime in Paris conjures up a mental image of warm days with leaves unfolding on the trees and lightly clad citizens eating and drinking at outdoor tables.  This spring was just a little different the weather dictated a change for the people of that great city.  Cold easterly winds had arrived in early April and had been in control of the weather for the best part of a month.  It was as if Paris was on hold, its populace waiting to appear and take back their open air cafe culture.

 

Away from the café streets, in the suburbs, the tree lined avenues were composed of elegant terraced houses, fondly referred to by agents immobiliers as Maisons en Ville, once inhabited by single wealthy families.  These families were long gone, having moved further away from the inner city to more rural locations.  Children no longer used the streets, to play football, tennis or climb trees, where they had been supervised by mothers, nannies or older siblings.  Today, where there were children, they were transported to an ecole maternelle or crèche early in the morning, not returning until evening.  Streets were largely devoid of people during the working week. The vast majority of these beautiful old houses had been converted into small apartments inhabited by single people or single parent -families who paid the rent or mortgage through their efforts working in the city.  Children playing in the streets today would be admonished if they caused any noise.

 

It was into this late afternoon, this quiet suburban scene, that an old man entered from a narrow side street.  He was bent over, with a bushy unkempt grey beard, and with long greying shoulder length greasy hair, protruding from under a black beret.  The shabby brown overcoat he wore, stretched tightly across his chest, was obviously two or three sizes too small for him.  It had probably been a good quality coat when new, but that must been a long time ago.  In each leather gloved hand he carried a white plastic bag, bearing the name, in green lettering, of a local convenience store.  His movements were slow and deliberate, his head was bowed, as though he were scanning the pavement for a lost item. 

In all, he wasn’t the type of individual to attract attention and certainly didn’t warrant a second glance from the tall broad shouldered chauffeur, who wore a grey suit and matching peaked cap.  He had seen the old tramp on three or four previous occasions in this very street.  The chauffeur had emerged from the silver grey limousine, just a matter of seven or eight metres in front of the tramp and held his right arm out from his body, to stop the tramp’s progress.  He opened the rear door of the luxury car and held it open, his gaze averted to his right, where two men had exited the building and were headed down the well worn twenty or so sandstone steps towards him.

One of the men was tall, lean, and grey haired, giving him a distinguished look.  He was dressed in an expensive dark grey suit and carried a soft pale brown leather document case.  A younger, shorter, broad shouldered, blonde haired man was beside him, also smartly dressed, in a black suit, pale blue shirt and red tie.

The tramp was just three metres from the chauffeur, when he straightened up, the two plastic bags and their meagre contents crashed to the pavement.  Now with his arms extended he gripped a pistol, fitted with a silencer, in his right hand which he supported with his cupped left hand and aimed it directly at the men on the steps.  The Czechoslovak CZ75, nine millimetre semi automatic pistol, coughed twice, almost silently and the tall grey haired man folded lifeless to the stone steps, blood spurting from wounds above and below his left ear.

The young blonde man's face registered shock.  He hesitated for a second, and looked down at his fallen companion, which was a fatal mistake.  His right hand appeared from under his jacket, but the silver coloured snub nosed revolver it held, never fired.  The long gun in the old man's gloved hands coughed twice more, the heavy rounds entering the young man's left temple and eye.  The released energy pitched him backward against the stone balustrade and then onto the steps to lie lifeless beside the other man.

The chauffeur followed his dead colleague’s action, his right hand clawing inside his jacket, in a reflex action resulting from repetition during training, but it was a futile gesture, too little too late.  For a split second he found himself staring into the long black barrel of the silencer, and again it was two rounds that struck him in the left eye and left cheek, bringing death before his hand could make contact with the hidden weapon. 

The assassin stood over his victims, the weapon pointed at the body of the taller of the three dead men, looking for movement, but none came, except a very slight twitching from the young blonde man.  The pools of blood, mixed with brain and bone tissue continued to grow.  The CZ75 coughed again and another bullet entered the grey haired man’s temple. 

This was the mark of the assassin, the expert.  A final bullet to make certain the target was dead.  The professional did not fire a number of hurried shots and then run away from the scene, hoping that the target was dead  The taking of life and the successful escape was a very deliberate act that could only best be guaranteed if carried out by a professional.  The killing of these three men bore testimony to that.

The assassin looked along the street to where an elderly man couple had just exited one of the tall houses, some two hundred metres away.  They continued their slow walk away from the murder scene, unaware of the drama that had unfolded behind them.  On the opposite side of the street, a middle aged woman was washing the steps leading up from the pavement to the front door.  She did not look in the murder scene direction either.  Three men had died in a matter of seconds, in broad daylight, unnoticed, in almost total silence. 

He placed the weapon in one of the plastic bags, lifted both bags and reverting to his bent over posture, retraced his steps, quickly, but without panic, to the narrow side street which he had originally emerged from.  The red Renault hatchback he had arrived in was parked a mere thirty metres away.  In the street, maybe a hundred metres away, two people, a young man and an older woman were entering a blue car.  They paid no attention to the tramp shuffling his way along the street, as they drove off.

 

Once inside the car, the two plastic bags were placed in a much larger black bag, on the floor of the passenger’s side.  The beret, wig, bushy beard, eyebrows, moustache, black leather gloves, brown overcoat, grimy blue shirt, dark blue jeans, and heavily worn shoes went into the black bag.  He wriggled into a fresh black sports shirt, smart grey trousers and black shoes  The tinted car windows gave cover to the transformation from tramp to a man in his early to mid thirties with blonde curly hair, clean shaven, broad shouldered and with steely blue eyes.

  

This was James McAuley – a hired assassin, a man who would kill another human being, if the price was right.  James McAuley was an Irishman who, in a parallel life, was a holiday magazine journalist, someone who would recommend holiday destinations to families whilst he was taking the life of another family man.

He sat for a few minutes, breathing deeply, coming down off that adrenalin rush that had carried him successfully through another contact.  In a contact where there was the target and two armed guards, it would have been easy for the assassin to panic, unable to choose a target and take it out cleanly.  If such a situation arose there could be shots fired by the bodyguards because they did not have silencers fitted to their weapons.  They did not need silencers indeed, they wanted a lot of noise to attract attention or just distract the assassin from his mission.  The more sound the better.  If shots were overheard by people in the houses or streets, the police would be called. 

 

Walking in from the narrow side street, into the contact area required near perfect timing.  In all he had shuffled out of that narrow side street seven times, although he was armed and ready to complete the contract on just the last three occasions.  But his timing had been out, just by seconds, but out none the less.  On two of the days he had been past the stone steps in front of the house, before his target had exited the building and on the third he was short of it by thirty or forty metres.  Having to run to close the gap was a no-no.  To take the life of one or more men, in a close up contact in a residential street, required the assassin to be cool, calm and aware of everything around him. 

Arriving breathless to a face-to-face confrontation, where one or more of the target’s guards was armed was a recipe for disaster – for the assassin!  Firstly, there was the sound of gunfire from the assassin and possibly from one or two guards of the guards.  Even if the assassin was not seriously wounded and managed to escape, such noise would most definitely draw residents to their windows and the police would be contacted.  If he managed to escape, there was the real chance that someone would give a good description of the assassin and his escape vehicle.  Preparation was the key word and checking details again and again avoided a disastrous end!

 

His mouth was dry.  It always was after a kill, but his hands were steady.  He produced a plastic water bottle and drank from it, in small sips.  He checked his face and hands carefully for any evidence of make-up or adhesive residues.  One small piece of makeup or adhesive would attract any policemen’s attention at an ordinary road traffic check.  Such materials could be as damning as rounds of ammunition in his pocket.  There was absolutely nothing he could do about gunpowder residue.  That would be on his clothes and skin for days, requiring specialist washing to get rid of it.  If he were to be taken to a police station, it would be easily identified, but then he had always maintained that he would never be taken alive by any police force. 

 

Firing the motor, he engaged the gear lever and the car moved off slowly, to the end of the narrow street and turned into the steady stream of late afternoon traffic, as the homeward exodus of city workers began to gather momentum.  The traffic was heavy, much heavier then he had experienced during the dry runs he had made on previous days, but it moved at a good pace, without interruption.  He travelled perhaps five minutes when he met two police cars speeding in the opposite direction, sirens wailing.  If they were heading for the murder scene, he was delighted.  He felt he had put a considerable time between himself and the police, a time cushion, something he might need later.

 

He was well out into the country when he found the disused industrial building he was looking for.  It had a large portion of its roof missing and in truth the old leather factory was only fit for demolition.  It had, at one time, provided good paying work for hundreds of skilled people, now carried out by factories in Asia, at half the price.  Less than three hundred metres further along, he turned onto a narrow country road, which suffered from a bad infestation of pothole-itis.  He had made a number of dry runs to this torturous road and to the huge scrap yard situated at the end of it, with its gates open.  Scrap cars and vans were stacked on top of each other, some perched at crazy angles. 

A crane, whose long jib and toothed grab, searched out cars or vans, hoisted them into the air, swung them around and dropped them noisily into a huge crusher, which, like some alien monster, grabbed its prey and devoured it.  In a few seconds the monster spat out a metal cube, ready for transporting to some distant re-cycling plant.

He turned right, driving between hundreds of coloured metal cubes, eventually pulling the car alongside a single storey brick building with a metal chimney, belching out whitish grey smoke into the atmosphere.  He switched the engine off and put on the leather gloves, removed the pistol from the bag and quickly thumbed the live rounds from the magazine into a small plastic bank change bag.

A man, wearing a faded, blue boiler suit, dirty black beret and with a hand rolled cigarette clamped between his lips, emerged from the building and motioned James to follow him, which he did, clutching the black plastic bag, containing all his disguise materials and the CZ75. 

 

The heat from the roaring furnace was incredible, leaving James to wonder why the metal roof or the chimney itself did not melt.  The man opened the heavy furnace door with a long steel bar, and James threw the black bag into the flames.  The door was quickly slammed shut and James and the man left the building.

Il reste six belles dans le sac,’ James said and handed over the bag.

Ouais,’ the man said.  ‘Merci, mon ami.

James was happy that the pistol would be destroyed in the furnace, indeed he insisted on being at the scene of the destruction, but throwing live ammunition into a fire was not recommended.  The old fireman could dispose of them as he pleased, perhaps to some gangster friend.  There was always a market for live nine millimetre ammunition.

 

Outside, the red Renault he had arrived in had disappeared.  It had been replaced by a silver Citroen, the car he had hired at the airport.  James handed the man a brown envelope containing money, which brought a broad smile to the dirty face.  As he eased himself into the Citroen, the boiler suited man pointed to the crane.  James was just in time to see the red Renault being dropped into the crusher.  He waited a few minutes until the car was converted into a metal cube before he moved off.  Any clues it held as to his identity were on their way to oblivion.

 

As he pulled out of the narrow potholed road, into the heavy traffic, he began to relax.  With the red Renault now a metal cube, the weapon and the disguise items incinerated, and with no witnesses he knew of, there was precious little left to tie him to the assassination.  The six weeks total time spent watching the target, making the dry runs out of the city to the scrap yard had been well worth the effort.  As George, his mentor, had said many times, ‘There is no such thing as too much preparation.’  The hit itself had been perfect and all that was required now was for his safe return to England to be perfect too.  He reckoned he could give himself the luxury of congratulations on a job well done.

 

There had been little room for error on this special assignment.  There was only one point where the target was vulnerable and that was for only a few seconds and for just two afternoons per week.  James had narrowed the potential target areas to two; the target’s own family home and his mistress’s apartment.  A little more research and the family home was eliminated.  He did not want to take the target down at the family home where there was a real chance of the two teenage daughters witnessing the killing of their father.  He did not want the daughters to suffer that trauma.  During the troubles in Northern Ireland there had been a number of such incidents leaving numerous children traumatized.

There were however two afternoons each week, when the government industrial development civil servant, visited his mistress.  The man had been involved in secret discussions with a French crime syndicate to fix government contract prices.  Billions of Euros were involved over a five year period, but the civil servant tried to increase his share of the scam.  He became greedy and the gang found out.  Such a situation could not be tolerated and a contract was discussed and a fee agreed with James’s firm. 

One outcome of an enlarged European Union was closer ties between criminal gangs.  They were only too pleased to co-operate with each other and this hit was an example of working together when it mattered.  A timescale was also an item for discussion.  In the completion of this contract, time was not of paramount importance and the longer the target remained alive, the more he and his bodyguards began to relax.  They had begun to feel that the offended gang were not going to take action.

 

Half an hour later he turned the car into a small country hotel carpark, where he had been resident most of the time during the last six weeks, between short visits to London.  At the opposite end of the carpark, an all weather sports pitch was playing host to a group of youngsters playing a football match.  Most of the boys would have been fifteen or sixteen years old, with a couple about thirteen, the same age as his son.  This was something he missed – watching his son play football every week.  Firstly the authorities kept him in jail and then his wife would not allow him to see his son play football and his daughter play hockey.  Friends used their video and digital cameras to record his kids in action, when playing for their school teams, but it was not the same as actually being there.  James was denied one of a father’s duties; that of cheering his son and daughter on and encouraging them to the highest level possible in their chosen sports.

One of the boys dodged two defenders as he attacked the opposition team down the left wing and then stroked the white ball high across the face of goal, where it seemed to hang suspended, awaiting a striker’s attention, but none came  The goalkeeper had no challenge as he plucked the ball from the air. 

 

He turned away from the teenagers’ football match, removed his laptop computer and brief case from the car and headed into the quaint family hotel, which had provided him with an excellent base to plan his special assignment and provided a rich area to find holiday centres to be reported on in the magazine. 

He had notes to type up and a couple of articles to finish off and email, with photographs, to Jenny and Sarah in the next day or two, certainly before the end of the week.  He tended to keep some work back, so that he could create the impression that he had been working hard on various projects, not having time for any other illegal activities.  He knew he would have little or no time in the next few days for anything but work.  That was the way he planned it.  If something were to go wrong and the police should arrive to throw awkward questions at him, a heavy programme of computer work to be finished would leave his legal representative something to play with.

His mobile sounded just as he entered the hotel.  It was Kirsty.

‘Please don’t say anything James.  This is hard enough for me to say and do.  I’m taking all my clothes, shoes and bits and pieces and my work files and computer out of your apartment tonight.  I have a couple of girlfriends who will help me to pack it up and move it out.  You know we have no future together - we both know that…’

‘Kirsty, Kirsty, this is not the right time and definitely not the right place!  Do you know where I am right now?  I’m in the foyer of a hotel.  Hardly the best place to discuss our future.  Surely you can wait until I get home.  You made it appear like it was the end of the world, because I wouldn’t sit down and discuss what you said was our future.  If that’s so, isn’t it important enough to wait a few days until I’m home to discuss it properly?’

The hotel receptionist looked at him, and then looked away, embarrassed.

‘What future?’

‘Isn’t that what you want to talk about?  If I was to talk like you are now you would accuse me of not giving a damn or of just wanting to throw away all these months of investment and go our separate ways?  Surely we owe ourselves a little bit more consideration?’

‘James, you know I desperately want kids and I’m running out of time.  The doctor was quite clear – every month that goes by makes it more difficult for me to get pregnant.  I have only another couple of years where my chances of becoming pregnant are pretty high.  After that things are less certain.  Deep down I don’t think you really want any more kids.  You have your boy and girl, a family already in position in Belfast.  That’s not fair to anyone you marry or embark on a long term relationship with.  I thought we could have made a go of it together, but really it’s not on.  I was fooling myself.  I hope you meet someone you can be happy with and I really mean that.  Please don’t ring me.  You would talk me round and that would get us nowhere.  We would only be putting back the evil day, so please don’t ring me. 

Thanks for everything.  You treated me as though I was a princess, and that’s very rare in men these days.  How I wish I had met you ten or twelve years ago.  I really enjoyed every hour with you, that’s until a few weeks ago and that’s when it all went wrong and if we were completely honest with each other, we needed that talk to make us think about the future and face reality.  Be careful.  A part of me will always love you!’

 

The phone was cut off before he could reply.  He rang back immediately, but her phone was switched off.  He desperately wanted to talk to her, but deep down knew she was right.  He was very fond of her, but was he fond enough of to give her the commitment she so desperately wanted?  He had avoided serious talk for so long, but Kirsty had forced the issue, something that could not be avoided any longer.  The hotel receptionist was again looking at him, with a measure of sympathy on her pretty face; at least it looked like sympathy. 

 

He had met Kirsty about ten months earlier.  Their romance had developed slowly and they had enjoyed each other’s company, on the whole.  Then things changed.  She introduced him to two of her friends who were both engaged to be married within months.  A pregnant girlfriend was also introduced and there were constant references to how well she looked in her condition.  Kirsty wanted to move in with him on a permanent basis and she had made it clear that she wanted children, sooner rather than later. 

On average she would stay over at his riverside apartment two or three nights per week, mostly at weekends.  She was a very attractive girl, dark brown hair, petite figure and some two years younger than himself.  She had been married for nearly five years, was divorced, and much to her disappointment, left the marriage childless. 

She managed an electrical wholesale business not far from James’s apartment, which was how they met.  He made a complaint about a CD player and it was Kirsty who addressed that complaint and got it replaced for him.

Unfortunately, over the past two or three months, she and James were not having a smooth time.  Kirsty had instigated talks with James about their future on a number of occasions, but they always ended on a sour note.  He was reluctant to get too deeply involved in these types of discussion, but Kirsty did not give up easily.  She continued to corner James at every opportunity.  He was now afraid that she would try to become pregnant whether he wanted it or not, and that was something he had not sorted out in his own head, not yet anyway.  He had not contemplated a family with Kirsty or any other woman.  He had two beautiful kids in Belfast and although he had no access to them, he continued to hope that his ex wife would change her stance.

Neither of them was happy with their situation and if one or other were to say it was over, the other would probably welcome it although protesting at the same time.  He felt bad about his negative attitude towards her, but in truth it was fear that fuelled his negativity.  He had never worried much about a girl spending a night or two in his apartment.  He could accept that, but a full time live in girlfriend was a source of great worry.

 

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1

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Wilma1 wrote 269 days ago

Cant belive this has a red arrow, its such a good read. I thought it would whiz to the top.

Sue
One Foot in the Jungle/Knowing Liam Riley

AngelOwl3 wrote 392 days ago

I read the first chapter. A very intriguing read. I don't usually go for stories like this but I liked how you tied everything together. The way you introduced his job as an assassin--even though it was obvious from your premise--was very clever. I could see it coming because the presence of a tramp in a story like this would be ridiculous if it wasn't a plot device of some kind but I still enjoyed it. It helped get me interested in his double life.

Overall, very nice.

Roxanne Hunter

Pat Black wrote 392 days ago

Very detailed, compelling story of a hitman and his bloody work. The rich descriptive prose had me thinking of Ian Fleming; the Bond stories always had this great descriptive flair, and that's your great strength here. The killings in the first part aren't lingered over, and the build-up is everthing. You also seem to know your tech, which is a major plus-point for these kind of thrillers, and the press-tripping journalist-cover is a masterstroke. Excellent work

P

curiousturtle wrote 425 days ago

Frank,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The jewel here is the pleasure you take in describing.

....each word an image, scene by scene creating a trace....

.... it sum plus accumulating into a landscape....

.... that installs itself in the reader's mind

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

Since you only posted 2 chapters I assume you are looking for tips to polish your prose rather than accolades

so let's get down to it:

"was just a little""been in control of the weather" "he wasn't the type" "registered shock" "slight twitching"
I would cut a bit on the qualifiers
why?
Because they call attention to the narrator.
They tell the reader: "there is narrator doing the telling here and he is kind of finicky"

"fondly referred" "bushy unkept gray" "expensive dark" "Breathing deeply"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

you are trying to build tension in your narrative,
tension is all about what you leave out rather than what you put in

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

Writenow wrote 427 days ago

the basic story here is sound, and mostly well written but there is a real problem with style and timing. The opening needs to grip the reader and provide a hook to make them want to read on. Your opening is a bit flabby, thre is a lot of detail, much of it is not really necessary. eg the tramp's overcoat is described as shabby, stretched, too small, then a description of its history. This could be something like an undersize coat that had seen better days. This is an action thriller so shoudl be tightly written. Short, sharp sentences so the story moves fast as the plot. Not sure what an elderly man couple is. The shooting should be far more dramatic, to give contrast to the built up and aftermath. We do not need to know everythng that happens. tell us the important bits, show don't tell us things. If you tighten up the opening, try to wak through it in your head to get the timing, this will make it much better. Hope this helps.

Billie Storm wrote 428 days ago

Dear Frank
As said in my profile, I don't do the tit for tat thing. The very title makes me nervous, and the image of a gun doesn't improve the sense of disquiet. I did look at, tho and here goes.
It's a competent and confident opening, strong descriptions sense of place, but then you lose it a bit, all that killing, not for me. Technically, there are a few issues: blonde in men, is blond? Chap 2 too many poshes, and a lorrra, lorra blondes.
It's a blokes' book, most def. I haven't read much into it, afraid of what I may find, but can see you having a following. For the strength of pace and action, I've starred but not backed, Frank - that's the best I can do.

Writenow wrote 428 days ago

unable to load text. will try again.

quackers wrote 432 days ago

Great start for a very taught thriller, would love to read more. If I had any criticism, which is tiny, I'd not have called the man who entered the road an 'old man'. He was referred to as a tramp continuously later so I'd say a tramp entered, that would be in keeping and not confuse the reader. It would also leave the man as scruffy, not old, which he wasn't anyway.
Worthy to be on my bookshelf

Keith

jlbwye wrote 452 days ago

Frank - you have a compelling short and long pitch, and your story starts dramatically with the three killings. You have a good story-line, but somehow the pace does not match the plot. I'm no expert, but maybe some re-arrangement of the action would be in order, rather than using too many flash-backs?
Beware using too many adjectives in your colourful description of the old man, and although I appreciate they're not important, it might help the reader work out who is who if you gave names to the victims...
Sorry if I sound a bit negative, but you are worth bothering with, and I trust you will take this in the spirit with which it is offered. Here are some stars.
Jane.

Brian Bandell wrote 454 days ago

I like your writing style and you pay great attention to detail. It takes a little while to identify with your characters. James seems distant. I don't really feel like I'm inside his head. His background and personality are interesting, though. You just need to bring it out more. The end of your first chapter could be a little sharper.

This is a good effort and I'm happy to back it.

Brian

KW wrote 460 days ago

I enjoyed this the first time I read it about 200 days ago. The following is a reprint of the comments I wrote the first time:

"Have Gun, Will Travel" was the name of an old TV series when I was a kid. Your story reminds me of it very much. "This was James McAuley - a hired assassin, a man who would kill another human being, if the price was right." His social life is pretty complicated, eh? I'll be back to read more once I get a little more time.

I've had the time and I must say that I like it even better more than ever. What an intriguing thriller.

EMDelaney wrote 464 days ago

If you read my bio page you will see that I acknowledge being a simple minded storyteller of a writer. I read your book, well, what you have of it here and I liked it very much. I see where many issues have been pointed out to you in regard to punctuation and structure below. I'm sure they are all accurate for the most part. I usually don;t comment on that stuff and stick to story.

In that regard, you have done well to entice mystery / thriller readers to like this tale. There is certainly plenty here to like. I did stumble just a wee bit in the first chapter on an item ot two but soon forgot anything about it.

Your use of dialogue seems realistic. I'm gonna step out there and say I thought your use of words quite crafty. Certainly thrifty. At very few points did I find myself saying, "I wish he would move on with this." For me, I remained "engaged" throughout.

I tend to use "underdog" characters a lot in my stories. While I wouldn't consider James an underdog per se in that context, he has been wronged, setting the tone for revenge, which is always sweet. Readers love this stuff. I do.

My suggestion would, if you aren't already busy doing it or have done it, is get to work polishing this manuscript. this thing is good enough to go all the way as it the kind of story they make movies out of pal. Had I wrote this story, I might even consider a professional editor (If you can afford it) to really make it shine in the sunlight.

Wilma1 wrote 476 days ago

I liked the premise of this the long pitch offeres a good tale and I was not dissapointed. You have done a good job in your characterisation. James is a highly believable character. The terriorist charge puts James in a unstable situation and I think you have laid the plans from that point to take the book forward well.

One for a long train journy or a wet Sunday I think.
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley.
I hope you enjoy it.

hikey wrote 484 days ago

' The Contractor '

The characters and your use of realistic and believable dialogue makes this a solid read. The writing is powerful and descriptive and the reader is drawn in by a convincing imagination.

Jane
'Breath in the Dark '

SusieGulick wrote 488 days ago

How totally amazing you are, Frank!! :) Thank you so very much for again backing my memoirs/testimony book. :) May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please gold ******-rated my book, too? :) Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm #6 on the editor's desk & have to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of January :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 322 days of trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Pia wrote 493 days ago

Frank -

The Contractor - I know why I didn't leave a comment before, I was in a hurry and stumbled over the first paragraph. Taking the time now to read the two chapters up, I got into the story and the mind of your assassin. You write well, everything is there. Only in some places your sentences could be sculpted, and some commas are unecessary and hold up the flow. You seem to have every scene in your head, I like the detailed description and the dialogues work. I noticed the last update of your MS was in August 10. Your story is worth extra effort. I'm going to simplify one of your sentences as an example ... It was late afternoon when an old man entered the quiet suburban scene from a narrow side street ... one sentence, no commas. I think you get the drift. There are repetitions which one tends to overlook while writing ... greying shoulder length hair ... the word 'long' is superfluous here, or .... His shabby brown overcoat stretched tightly across his chest ... no need to add that it was too small. These are just a few examples how you can make this more elegant. Btw, the dreaded first paragraph could easily be integrated into the second. I like the start of the second para.
Mainly, I was drawn in and read the lot, so the story gripped and now I wonder what happens next. :) Rated well therefore. Best success, Pia

RonParker wrote 506 days ago

Hi Frank,

You have an exciting storyline here but you need to check your punctuation. You have quite a number of misplced commas.

Also the action needs to start a little sooner. You spend too much time setting the scene before anything happens. You do need to set the scene, but proceede thios with at least one line of action.

Ron

celticwriter wrote 514 days ago

Hi Frank, hope you're doing well! Rebacking your wonderful work.

jim

Charles Thompson wrote 518 days ago

Frank,

I just read the first chapter of THE CONTRACTOR. I think the action and imagery in the opening scene is excellent. Because you paint the picture so clearly, I can see the events unfolding moment by moment. That said, the chapter is not very strong from a structural standpoint. Many of your sentences are grammatically infirm and require edits with regard to punctuation. Perhaps the following web site will be helpful to you:

http://www.bartleby.com/141/strunk.html

Also, I agree with the comment below about the first two paragraphs. The background information about the season and the neighborhood accomplishes little and bogs the story down. In the middle of the third paragraph, you're missing the word "have" between "must" and "been".

Notwithstanding, you have an exciting premise here and a vivid imagination (at least I hope it's imagination!).

Best,

Rob
(Aralen Dreams)

Susanna.K.James wrote 537 days ago

Hiya Frank,

Not my usual genre but it is an interesting read and very well written. The second paragraph needs some editing in my opinion (I'm not really interested in the single parents who live in the flats on that street - this information doesn't move your story along at all) however, the description of the assassination and his get away was extremely well done - I enjoyed this and could really picture it.

Again the three paragraphs which start with 'He sat for a few minutest...' could also be drastically reduced. At this point I am only interested in the character and what happens next; a large part of these paragraphs distances me from him because they read like a manual on how to commit the perfect hit. (telling not showing.)

I also had a problem with the dialogue at the end of the chapter between him and Kirsty. It could have been terser and more dramatic. These are very long speeches with very long sentences which suggests a very unemotional, reasonable tone of voice, which is hardly appropriate considering what they are discussing. I think that it could be drastically cut - as could most of the last six paragraphs. Kirsty has now gone out of his life - we do not need her back story, she will not figure in the rest of the novel ( i assume.)

Despite all my comments, I think that this shows real promise, Frank and wish you all the best with it.

Suzanne Adams wrote 555 days ago

Like the , "I love Paris In The Springtime" opening! Was instantly hooked. Quality writing and plot! There's editing to be done but I wonder how far along you are with this? Plotting a thriller is no easy task and interrupting to attend to punctuation etc., can wreck the flow.

Kaimaparamban wrote 556 days ago

This is an interesting novel. Politics and its bad effects are disclosing before readers. The theme is not a mild one. It deserves contemporary importance, becasue politics in every country is maligned.

CarolinaAl wrote 563 days ago

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A captivating start. A bold, daring and thoughtful main character. Good depth and detail. Your descriptions are effective.

Specific comments on chapter 1:
1) The all important first two paragraphs didn't engage me. The third paragraph did. Consider starting with it.
2) ' ... broad shouldered, blonde haired man ...' Blonde is for females. Blond is for males. There are more cases of this type of problem.
3) ' ... blood spurting from wounds above and below his left ear.' Despite how gun wounds are depicited in movies and on TV, in reality there is no immediate bleeding at the entry wound. The velocity of the bullet going in sucks all the blood, meat and bone into the body. The blood flows primarily from the much larger exit wound.
4) 'Too little, too late' is cliche.
5) You mention James coming down off the adrenaline rush, but you don't show the rush happening during the assassinations.
6) Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse reduces their effectiveness.
7) I have to ask. Are ther surveillance cameras in the wealthy suburbs of Paris? I would think so. Yet, James doesn't mention dealing with them in his detailed recap of the mission.
8) ' ... an all weather sports pitch was playing host to a group of youngsters playing a football match.' You used 'playing' twice in the same sentence.
9) 'Please don't say anything James.' Comma after 'anything.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
10) 'He had avoided serious talk for so long, but Kirsty had forced the issue, something that could not be avoided any longer.' You used 'avoided' twice in this sentence.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. Thank you for backing "Savannah Passion." I hope "Savannah Passion" will remain on your shelf until it reaches the editor's desk.

Have a fabulous day.

Software wrote 567 days ago

This is a very engaging read. Contemporary theme which is still very relevant to today's homeland security situation. Impressive and engaging early chapters which draw the reader in. Backed.

Clive Radford
Unexpected Encounter

whostercogburn wrote 574 days ago

Hi again Frank. I'm very impressed by your first chapter. A lyrical and descriptive opening contrasts well against the sudden impact of the gunfire. Very good writing that has a sense of easiness about it, and I wish you all the best and hope it makes a real impression with many other readers here.

Bocri wrote 578 days ago

The Contractor, with the benefit of an enticing and ably crafted pitch, pulls us, from the comfort of the armchair, to share in the tribulations, activities and excitement experienced by the eponymous
Hero. The work opens with a classically smooth description of Paris in the Spring and this, paradoxically, causes the frisson of anticipation for the excitement to follow. And it does, believe!
Enthusiastically supported and BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

Frank James wrote 579 days ago

Dear Cherry G
Many thanks for your analysis of the two chapters of my book. You certainly gave it a good going over. You nailed the anomaly that James McAuley displays, more than once and that is something Authonomy readers should spot. Thank you for being sharp enough and for pointing out the flaws. I will take due notice
and act on them.
Frank James (The Contractor)





Liked the opening with the deserted French street and then the sudden pulling of the gun and the killing of three people. Good start for a thriller: you've set the scene and got to the action straight away.Thought perhaps you tended to give too much detail (eg describing the victims' clothes, the car etc) which slowed things down a bit and stopped the urgency, but your portrayal of the professional and cold killer is well done. I had the feeling he was organised and ruthless, showing absolutely no remorse for what he had done (even killing the chaffeur with no hesitation.) In short, a very, very dangerous man..
Having shown the merciless side of him, perhaps you wanted to make James more atttractive by commenting on how he didn't want the daughters to see the shooting. I had my doubts about that display of compassion for the daughters. If he had felt so concerned about their feelings, he wouldn't be killing their father in the first place. They will still be traumatised, as will the family of the other two victims.
I had similar reaction in respect of his regret that he can't see his children play sports. He's just stopped a father from doing that forever. and doesn't seem aware of the irony! And just a technical point: I don't think people are allowed to take photos and videos of schoolchildren any more. Very sad, but I think that is a rule in most UK schools.
I'm sorry, I am sounding more negative than I feel. It is just that I'm concentrating on the things that niggled me. You succeed in making James more human with the argument with girlfriend on the phone. It reveals his life is not as well organised as his killings and he's not in total control. (Perhaps he kills to take control when he's unable to in his ordinary life?)
In chapter 2, it's a shock to meet the other version of himself, the man who writes for journals about holiday destinations, a divorced husband with an angry ex-wife and two children he doesn't see, his concern for the assassin trainer who has cancer, the problems with a girlfriend who wants a more commitment and now his attraction to the beautiful but mysterious Samantha. Complicated! Though in future chapters you're going to have to show me why I shouldn't want him caught. At the end of chapter 2, I'd feel a lot happier if he was stopped.
You've sown the seeds of suspicion about Samantha..she does seem too good to be true.. So is she going to be a threat to him in some way? Has someone hired her to assassinate him or has she her own agenda? After all, there may be a lot of people who want revenge on him, either because of the people he has killed or for his personal life.You made us want to find out more, so please load a few more chapters!
Just a few nits:
Chapter 1: In the paragraph that starts "The asssassin looked away along the street...." you have "elderly man couple" I'm thinking that "man" should be deleted.
Chapter 2: I found two cases of "Off course...." Should be "Of course."
Just a general observation which I think has been mentioned by a few previous reviewers, but I'd like to endorse it. I think you tend to put everything in, in one go. So the girlfriend lists everything she is taking with her and the new accounts manager is described in a list of great detail...I don't feel you need all of it.
But it's got the making of a fast paced thriler. BACKED.
Cherry G.
The Girl From Ithaca

Cherry G. wrote 580 days ago

Liked the opening with the deserted French street and then the sudden pulling of the gun and the killing of three people. Good start for a thriller: you've set the scene and got to the action straight away.Thought perhaps you tended to give too much detail (eg describing the victims' clothes, the car etc) which slowed things down a bit and stopped the urgency, but your portrayal of the professional and cold killer is well done. I had the feeling he was organised and ruthless, showing absolutely no remorse for what he had done (even killing the chaffeur with no hesitation.) In short, a very, very dangerous man..
Having shown the merciless side of him, perhaps you wanted to make James more atttractive by commenting on how he didn't want the daughters to see the shooting. I had my doubts about that display of compassion for the daughters. If he had felt so concerned about their feelings, he wouldn't be killing their father in the first place. They will still be traumatised, as will the family of the other two victims.
I had similar reaction in respect of his regret that he can't see his children play sports. He's just stopped a father from doing that forever. and doesn't seem aware of the irony! And just a technical point: I don't think people are allowed to take photos and videos of schoolchildren any more. Very sad, but I think that is a rule in most UK schools.
I'm sorry, I am sounding more negative than I feel. It is just that I'm concentrating on the things that niggled me. You succeed in making James more human with the argument with girlfriend on the phone. It reveals his life is not as well organised as his killings and he's not in total control. (Perhaps he kills to take control when he's unable to in his ordinary life?)
In chapter 2, it's a shock to meet the other version of himself, the man who writes for journals about holiday destinations, a divorced husband with an angry ex-wife and two children he doesn't see, his concern for the assassin trainer who has cancer, the problems with a girlfriend who wants a more commitment and now his attraction to the beautiful but mysterious Samantha. Complicated! Though in future chapters you're going to have to show me why I shouldn't want him caught. At the end of chapter 2, I'd feel a lot happier if he was stopped.
You've sown the seeds of suspicion about Samantha..she does seem too good to be true.. So is she going to be a threat to him in some way? Has someone hired her to assassinate him or has she her own agenda? After all, there may be a lot of people who want revenge on him, either because of the people he has killed or for his personal life.You made us want to find out more, so please load a few more chapters!
Just a few nits:
Chapter 1: In the paragraph that starts "The asssassin looked away along the street...." you have "elderly man couple" I'm thinking that "man" should be deleted.
Chapter 2: I found two cases of "Off course...." Should be "Of course."
Just a general observation which I think has been mentioned by a few previous reviewers, but I'd like to endorse it. I think you tend to put everything in, in one go. So the girlfriend lists everything she is taking with her and the new accounts manager is described in a list of great detail...I don't feel you need all of it.
But it's got the making of a fast paced thriler. BACKED.
Cherry G.
The Girl From Ithaca

Laurence Howard wrote 582 days ago

Eloquent, interesting and well constructed narrative. I agree with the comments already posted and equally sure that this has the makings of an excellent thriller. Backed.
Laurence Winchester,
The Cross of Goa

John G Cyprus wrote 586 days ago

Hi Frank. I think you have the makings of a good thriller here. I liked the gentle description of the quiet streets of springtime Paris and the contrast as the sudden act of violence is played out..However the impact was to a large extent lost in the extensive and detailed description of the politician's entourage. These characters are too fleeting to go into what colour ties they are wearing etc. We know what a chauffeur wears and the bodyguard could simply be 'also well dressed. Measuring the distances - 7 metres - 3 metres also slows the pace. You may want to do something about the echo of the word 'people' in the second paragraph.
After the action the getaway is also over described i think and this is followed by rather contrived introduction of characters and info dumps of back story that has little bearing on the plot at this stage and should be brought in as and when there is a need to know or a clear opportunity presents itself.
When the girfriend phones to give him the push would she list the things she is taking? sure she would just say 'I am clearing out my stuff' or something like that. You have a tendency to tell rather than show and overwrite a bit, it might be a good idea to have another look at this as it is difficult to correct in an edit. If you find at the end of the first draft that you are into 150000 words before you reach the denouement the cutting will be painful.
This may sound rather negative but I am offering these comments because I think this has great potential.
For the same reason I am backing it.
I wish you good luck with your book.
John G (The Last Olympiad)
This

NA Randall wrote 587 days ago

Frank, this is a very assured opening. You've created a distinctive narrative voice.. Pacy and with good attention detail - a staple of all the best thrillers. I quite like the way you've punctuated this - but if more reviewers comment otherwise, perhaps it's something you should look at - the odd, shot-sharp sentence can sometimes be extra effective. Happy to give you my backing.

Regards

NA 'A Red Sky in Morning' & 'Tales of Ordinary Sadness'

Dagura van Acra wrote 589 days ago

A great beginning to what I'm sure will be a great book, but I believe the opening was perhaps a little too dry. Your use of punctuation is also praiseworthy, however is it just possible that some of the sentences could do with being broken down?

Good luck,
Dagura :)

Marija F.Sullivan wrote 590 days ago

Very enjoyable, fine writing style. Hope you'll upload more chapters soon. Backed, of course.
Best wishes,
M


- Weekend Chimney Sweep of Happy New Year
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

Eveleen wrote 593 days ago

The contractor
Intriguing pitch, and a good opening
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Lynne wrote 599 days ago

I love a good edge of the seat thriller and this is one I would love to read and not put down until the end. Backed with absolute pleasure. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

Jehmka wrote 599 days ago

Very good. Though crime novels have never been my thing, I can see a lot of thought and care has gone into this. Good luck with this.
Backed.

R.A. Battles wrote 607 days ago

Frank,

Your writing is compelling and from the outset makes a reader want to find a quiet place to read on, and on, and on. I am particularly impressed with the narrative in your first chapter which precedes the first piece of dialogue. THAT’S talent!

My only nit is the tense(s) in which your full pitch is written. Pitches for a novel should always be written in the present tense. Yours is written in the past and present tense.

This nit aside, I’m happy to back you.

Rodney Battles

M. A. McRae. wrote 611 days ago

Excellent writing, and the detail of the cool professional killing was superbly done. I think I would have liked James a little more if he didn't kill for money, though I'm perfectly happy to see him kill in justified revenge. My other criticism is that there is too little loaded, - only two chapters. I saw no errors of grammar or spelling.
A very good, professional novel. Well done. Backed, Marj.

Marsi wrote 612 days ago

Hi Frank - blurb shows this is really my cuppa - Love the writing. Backed with enthusiasm

richard thurston wrote 615 days ago

Thanks for your kind backing Frank so very kind. Enjoyed your first chapter immensely and found it an easy read.

Best wishes

richard

algunn93 wrote 616 days ago

Hi Frank

Thanks for the positive feedback you left about my work. I always try to return the favour so I just read some of your book. I always try to give honest feedback, so I have included the following suggestions, all of which have been made to me in the past, and I found they improved my writing.

Your opening chapter starts well, with immediate action and an introduction to an obviously highly trained killer. The second chapter, however, doesn’t seem to set the scene for where the rest of the story is going, so it is difficult to comment on this. I wonder whether it might be better to reduce the amount of conversation between James and Samantha, and concentrate instead on setting up the direction of your story instead.

You also introduce a few characters in the first chapter without telling us who they are (Jenny and Sarah).
I think you could improve the realism of your writing by taking the reader right inside the assassin’s point of view. You could do this by giving him a distinctive ‘voice’ (by this, I mean use the words he would use, and give him his own speech patterns). Would a hardened killer say that a road had ‘pothole-itis’?

Also, while you obviously speak French, I doubt all of your readers do, so if you are going to use sentences in another language, you must somehow explain what they mean, or you will leave people confused.
I doubt he would sit in the car for any longer than he had to, as inevitably the bodies would be discovered before long, and the person who found them might even have walked past him sitting in the car to get there.

Have you written any more than the two chapters posted here? It would be interesting to know where you take the rest of the story, as what you have uploaded so far concentrates as much on James’ relationship with Samantha as it does on the hunter-becomes-the-hunted part of your synopsis.

Anyway, I realise this could all sound pretty critical, but you are, of course, welcome to disagree with and ignore everything I’ve said. We’re all learning constantly, though, and those of us who stick at it long enough will hopefully get good enough to get something published. All the best.

Alastair Gunn
The Nemesis Countdown

Colin Normanshaw wrote 618 days ago

Brilliant start here, with excellent detail behnind the chilling assassinations. It would be worth an edit to get rid of any small errors - I have only found one, and that is in the second sentence where you should really have a full stop after "different." Otherwise this is very accomplished. Backed. Colin

Tim Andrewartha wrote 622 days ago

Hi Frank. I've read the first chapter of The Contractor. It's an exciting start & introduces us to James McAuley. Seems pretty good to me. Happily backed.

CoachDave wrote 622 days ago

Frank, I've just been involved with this for about 20 hours. Still learning. I read the first chapter. Put it aside and read it again. My guess is that you might decide to speed it up a bit. Lots of good detail...I'll come back and read more. I'm interested.

Dave Brummett

Rheagan wrote 622 days ago

Hello Frank,
I enjoyed this; I think it has great prospects. The action scenes are well paced and capture the reader’s interest well. However, I do wonder whether some of the prose could perhaps be a little smoother, and maybe more succinct? However, I am unpublished, so you don’t really need to pay too much attention to my ramblings. Also, a small point, but is there a typo near the beginning .’elderly man couple …’?
Anyway, I am more than happy to back this on the basis of the considerable potential it displays.
Rheagan Greene – Unwelcome Reflections

udasmaan wrote 622 days ago

Frank, the contractor is a very cetred and well written story. it is enjoyable and very easy to connect with the killer. I enjoyed reading, and I suppose that is all what you need to know from me.
shah

Eunice Attwood wrote 623 days ago

I enjoyed your writing style, great pitch and detail. Very good imagery that you conjure up. Backed with pleasure. Eunice.

Gingernut wrote 623 days ago

Good pitch and a stunning assaination scene well played out enough to keep the reader gripped
Gingernut

Wilma1 wrote 625 days ago

A well written thriller you take us straight into the action as he assonates the two guys and makes a clean get away. Your writing style is clean and strong you don’t take ages setting a scene with endless props. You set it after the event. The couple walking away, the lady scrubbing the steps, we have a complete view of everything in a snapshot. I read two chapters and could not find fault with this its very professionally executed.

Regards Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley – please take a moment to take a look.

SRFire wrote 625 days ago

The Contractor
One thing I love about this book is your attention to detail which means also that you've thoroughly research your subject. That to me is the mark of a good writer. I really enjoyed this. Backed with pleasure. Sana x

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