Fidelity

Benjamin,

I really enjoyed your book (yeah, I read it all). Excellent writing. I kept thinking E. Hemingway had collaborated with Jack London. Seriousy, one of the better books I've read. I'm surprised to find it here, rather than going the traditional agent/publisher route.

Your quick, to-the-point narrative was refreshing, since so many writers seem to think the longer a sentence, the better it is. And I noticed the Cardinal Directions were capitalized, while god wasn't. Subtle, to say the least. The ending seemed a bit flat to me, but since this is serialized, I don't feel qualified to judge.

One thing nagged me. How did the MC acquire his hunting/butchering skills? He seemed more at home in the woods than an aboriginal hunter. You might have covered it, but I missed it. Didn't detract from the story, however. Was this covered in the first book of the series, perhaps?

Only found one typo, in ch 15: "As a mater of fact, it got better everytime we made love." Freudian slip?

Is the first book of the series published? I'd like to read it.

Take care,

JohnB

This is the most outstanding new work of literary fiction that I have read in several years. (And I read A LOT!) The storytelling is second to none and the language knocks my socks off. And isn't it about time somebody wrote something both stunning and true from a MASCULINE perspective?

We published an excerpt from "Fidelity" in the seventh issue of our literary journal "Monkey Puzzle." We've been witness to the evolution of the manuscript and can't wait to have the finished book in our hands. Best of luck to Benjamin and "Fidelity."

This is beautifully written and is a perfect example of the Literary Fiction genre. Sensuality and sense impressions are strongly featured, with many instances of both that are piquantly down-to-earth and also garnished with philosophical and moral reflection simultaneously. In spite of the first person MC being, shall we say, off-kilter, and therefore a character few readers will want to 'inhabit' for the duration (think 'American Psycho' for the empathy analogy - but that's all), the dexterity with which the author allows the tale to reveal itself, along with the MC's inner workings, is more than enough to hold the attention and reward an attentive read.
Backed.
Bill Booker, Trippers.

Your writing style, as far as I have seen, reminds me of how Hemingway has been described to me. Yes, I have read Hemingway myself, but I never would have thought to call it iceburgish.

HA - I just looked at the previous commenter and am not confident I'm not being silly. You definitely have that spark!

You have relatively short sentences, relatively succinct ideas, that serve as the tip of the iceburg. Little by little they bundle together to create a picture that would, if one got caught up in more elaborate phrases, probably collapse under its own weight. As it is, the reading is quick, fast, but feels very dense.

I'm not sure the power of the scene in chapter 27 really couldn't be conveyed any other way.

Great story. Backing and backing enthusiastically.

I'm on chapter six as I write this and love what I am reading. My father never talked ammunition with me the way your MC does with Annie. I like here childish innocence and will finish reading 'Fidelity', but just wanted to let you know that I do like what I'm reading. I enjoyed the passage that described is first encounter with Dani. I'm going to finish it soon. I hope this gets published because it's worthy. Your crisp sentences remind me of H.L. Mencken or Hemingway. Those legendary authors had crisp, clean and to-the-point writing styles too.

Francine

Benjamin,

I am always awed by literary fiction writers--the tightness of their prose, the style that is sparing yet packs a punch. Your descriptions are lovely and colorful, which I have a fondness for. I was a little leary when I saw you to be a Cormic McCarthy fan. I tried reading THE ROAD and it drove me batty. I was very happy to see you didn't let his looooooooooooooooooong sentences rub off on you :)

Read the first 3, will come back for more. Thanks for sharing.

Rhiannon

Interesting. You have a good writing voice. I wasn't too impressed with your pitches, but the writing in the first chapter made up for that, I think.

To be honest, I don't know if I would read on or not. This is not because of your writing, so don't take it personally. It's just, when on the computer, my mind is very easily distracted. If I had a physical version of this, the story might be different. :)

Good read. I'll put it on my watchlist for now, hoping to come back and read more. Thanks for letting me know.

I don't know a bullet from a potato peeler, but after reading this chapter I feel a certain confidence that I could actually make one. You have amazing powers of observation and the uncanny ability to structure word to image. As a matter of fact, I'm going to give up writing and become a bullet maker!

"Jack and Annie told me about the fox when I helped them pick up the crayons." You write with such precision, where there is no ambiguity. This is why I couldn't understand why I had to read and re-read this sentence. There was something that was just slightly off to me. Then I understood it was because the use of "when" seems to put the sentence's meaning into a conditional frame. "Only after I helped them pick up the crayons did they tell me about the fox." You may totally disagree with me. Others may think I am picking nits, but I don't think you will -- even if you disagree.

Again, an excellent job, Benjamin

Jay

What a brilliant read. I've only read the first 10 chapters so far (while i should have been working...) but will definately be returning. I think your central character is fantastic. He's completely solid in my mind, a real person. I love the terse, spare style of your writing, the short, to the point sentances and the believable dialouge.
Although it's obvious a very serious piece of work, i think it's got real wit. The fathers obsessive recording of Cal's 'debt', Annie's insistent questions.
Probably the best piece i've readf thus far on Authonomy.

Steve.

Sorry for the typos in my comment. ;)

Benjamin, I read chaper 27, as you suggested. What a powerful scene. When I'm tackling a scene like this I always keep in mind they rhytmn of my sentences (they way you vary your sentence length or use a run-on, perhaps, to give the feeling of breathlessnes, etc.), which can add to the 'drama' as much as the words.

I think you could make this scene even more powerful if you showed us what the narrator is feeling while he is running toward his sons rather than what is happening around him. ...I knocked over a man in a blue jean...The sprinklers were on... He is probably blinded by fear, I would think. Smells can evoke emotion, perhaps if you added some of the other sense besides just sight, this would add to the scene.

And and I think I know what you were trying to do with the line, "It was beautiful", but it still felt odd to me.

And here, " ...holding Jack by the armpits. His forerams were crossed over the baby's chest." ...I couldn't picture how he could be doing both ?? (Junior staggered across the front porch, hugging the baby to his chest.)

Hope this was helpful.

I've backed your book.

Very taut and poetic writting. Wonderfully evokes the snow and the mountains whilst also being a love poem to both Dani and the surroundings. Beautiful.
Mal

Ben,
I have to admit, I found your story a bit hard to read and understand. Maybe it's just me. But other than that you have good sentence and paragraph structure and a good use of adjectives and verbs. Good job!

Rebecca
An Impossible Pair

Hi Benjamin,

Sorry about taking so long. Just got back from vacation but now I'm back. I just read the first chapter and found I enjoyed what you've written. Finally backed.

Tracy

Thanks for backing me; I will read it because I love a good story and yours looks interesting. If you comment on my book feel to remark on the punctuation( sometimes I need the reminder especially with semi-colons). :D

Once again, you don't disappoint, Benjamin. Add to the accuracy of your description your sense of pace. The ending "I find eight square inches of her ribcage", drawing the reader into the third chapter, brings tears to this writer's eyes. If I were to struggle for a suggested change it would be the use of the high-abstraction word "desiccated" for the more concrete "dried" or "dried out". In whole, though, it makes me happy in my decision yesterday to back Fidelity.

Jay

Benjamin,

I enjoyed the first three chapters of your book (sorry, no time at the moment to read on). It was evocative, with a nice sense of place. Very atmospheric. A minor niggle (unless its a deliberate stylistic device) - you repeat yourself, e.g. 'I feel them', 'ascend'. Backed with pleasure. You have talent.
Shaun
The Six Acts

Benjamin,

I had some problems with this. Firstly, I have problems with present tense writing. It is repetitive - at least yours is, especially the first chapter. It mentions the memory of the loss of virginity twice, and the second time it seems as if you didn't expect us to remember the first. When I got to the past tense 3rd chapter, I couldn't tell what the present was. Was it the first two chapters, or the 3rd, speaking of the event of the others as if it happened in the past. It it hard to tell, since you never tell what it is your protagonist is hunting. You also never tell us his name, and four chapters in, I should really know both, and I should have a clue what relates to the plot. You leave that too long, and when I got to the fourth chapter, back in present tense, I had enough.

You should be careful of leaving your plot hooks too late. Ideally, I shouldn't have to wait more than 500 words to get an idea of where the story is coming from and where it is going. If I picked it up in a shop, I wouldn't read that far to see if I wanted to buy the book. My mantra is that you have got to hook the reader on the first page, or at least by the end of the second. Don't give them too many questions at the start, and here, I'm full of questions, but don't have any answers 3.5 chapters into it. That causes me to check out.

At first, I was willing to suspend my reservations about the tense issue, as well as the first person narrative. Many of the so-called experts recommend that you avoid first person, but I'm not put off by that if it is compelling. Sadly, when you started repeating yourself, it became less so. Your detail of the homemade shot could be compelling in the right circumstances, but in this case it is too soon, thus unnecessarily making me want to skim back to the action. Later on it might work, and I could even see an argument for making it the first chapter, with some amendments. Either way, I don't see where the plot is going, so you will have to remedy that. I can't see a publisher taking it on as it stands, and thus I don't feel I can back it at this point.

PS. I'd also recommend that you rewrite your pitch. Don't just quote the story. Yes, give us a sample of the atmosphere, but tell us a little about the plot (as in your short pitch), as well as the more about the growth of main character. (CAL! That's his name. You should put it in the story!) You should also discuss how it fits into your market.

Two things I love about your prose: What's the quote, "God is in the details..."? If that isn't accurate as a quote it should be. And, it describes your attention to details. Along the same line but a distinct claim: you have a knowledge of your subject matter, of nature, specifically of trees and the "heavens". Describing an exact tree and the nature of its bark contributes to authenticity and it's authenticity and detail that holds the reader in the writer's grasp. I proudly, enthusiastically back your story.

"...prisons that were our fathers" (did you want that to be possessive?)

Good writing.

Jay

Enjoyed your story. Best of luck with your continued writing. Please remember December Gold in your reading and comments.

Very deep, this.

Sorry it took so long to get to this. Backed with pleasure.

Suz

To say that Fidelity is powerfully written is like saying that an active volcano is a bit hot. Many writers, myself included, try to pen great Literary Fiction. But author Benjamin Dancer actually does it in Fidelity. On the surface this novel is a tale of a hunter trying to find an elk. The natural scenery gives him time to reflect, seemingly against his will, of the real reasons he’s on the mountain that day. Details of his life come tumbling forth for the reader in a style that makes you want to just keep reading even as the hunt’s tension grows. When we realize that there is so much more going on in the narrative, it’s the same moment we appreciate Fidelity for the genius that it is.

Hey Benjamin,

I love your book! But I can't back it since the books on my book shelf have been promised to be backs Sorry. :(
But great book, though. It's gonna be on my watch list!

Love,
AmberSparks
Breathe

The writing is lyrical but the story telling seems a bit off. Perhaps I needed to read the earlier book. But this one needs to stand on its own.

Whose track? To have no referent to a pronoun in your first sentence seems a fatal error. I can only assume that he is hunting deer, maybe. Who is Sarah? His wife is presume. So why, then, is the MC so filled with memories of Dani Cimino? Though my wife and I are at odds all the time, I seldom think about the girl to whom I lost my virginity.
I recommend you look at the following website. The guy knows what he is saying, even if is stories are not quite perfect. http://storyinliteraryfiction.com

Hi Benjamin,

Fascinating and authentic, your writing has touches of Norman Maclean about it, sparse and powerful prose. Again like below, its a mystery to me why this isn't on a bookshelf - its on mine now,

Rob

Hi Benjamin,

Fascinating and authentic, your writing has touches of Norman Maclean about it, sparse and powerful prose. Again like below, its a mystery to me why this isn't on a bookshelf - its on mine now,

Rob

Thanks for the backing I am just starting out. It's a nice to see how people are so forthcoming about newcomers

Very sensual story that tugs at one's natural instincts. I found it very compelling. Great imagery without being "fluffy". I hope you manage to get this one published.

Benjamin, hi,

First, thanks for the kind comments.I started the first chapter and though I think you have a great making for an interesting story, the narrative seems choppy and description a bit overbearing. Possibly writing from another prespective might correct this.
Best of luck, I will be back to see the story unfold.

Hope this was helpful.
Suz

Benjamin,

I backed Fidelity after about 3 paragraphs. I love the way you have braided together the past and present, hunting and love, elk and self. Your writing is clear and detailed and unfussy, yet beautiful and poetic. Clearly, you know the woods, hunting, and animals as well as the character does. The reader is right there, in that moment. I'm not a hunter and would probably have trouble killing an animal, but you give a good argument for why someone might want to.The scene of father and daughter making ammunition is amazing. They're doing something concrete, and they talk a little about that and not much else, but the reader learns so much about them and about the family through this little scene.

I've finished 3 chapters and didn't find a single nit to pick. Excellent work and I hope this goes far.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

Fidelity

[return backing]

Wonderful. Backed with pleasure. Apologies for the delay.

Well Benjamin, what can I say, I have only read the first chapter and think you write extemely well, I wish I could put words together the way you seem to ease into it so easily. Reading just the first chapter has convinced me of the potential of this book and yourself as an author.
Good Luck, I back Fidelty with the promise of reading more when I have the time.
Norman. The Witches of Hambone series. (Fromante)

Benjamin
I really really enjoyed this. I found Cal painfully frustrating at times but as the story unfolds you finally understand the heartbreaking truth about why he is so silent. Brilliant. I found the hunting language a little difficult at times but I think the importance of the mountain comes out later.
The visions of Jack on the mountain are tremendously poignant.

Truly a great read

Rachael

chapter 1 is beautifully written, i wish i could write like you. But, in my opinion the 1st chapter should give an overview of the book as a whole or a scene that would motivate the reader to read more. The "hook" factor is not there. When i go to bookstores, whether i buy or not a certain book, depends on the 1st chapter that i read. Your's is beautiful but i am not hooked.

Hi, Ben: 1st person narrative is tough, but you are very good at it. I only had time to sample three chapters, but intend to go back and read some more. Scenes come off lickety-split, but your sense of the effectitveness of understatement and short, right-to-the-point sentences brings them to light, makes 'em shine. I have a lifelong affinity for teachers, and judging from what I've read your students will feel the same affinity for you. Keep up the good work; you're way up on the dizzy Authonomy, which is a popularity contest more than anything else, and the novel should reach the Ed Desk shortly. Best of luck with getting FIDELITY published. I backed the book with pleasure.
Waldterfel

What beautiful writing, I only stopped by to check out your book but became lost in the lyrical and strangely peaceful world of snow. This deserves to be published. Good luck and thanks for sharing your story. Jacqui

WOW. That was an intriguing read. Honestly, I didn't think I'd be at all interested to continue reading because it's not my usual choice genre, but the writing style sucked me in. Great choice of voice. I was easily lost in the scene with Cal and I felt my own heart pounding as I experienced the hunt with him!

Gladly backed!

CSAndersen

Benjamin,
So sorry I haven't had the chance to check this out yet--school's starting and I've been so busy i didn't even realize you'd asked!
Nonetheless, I did check it out, and I'm backing it. the pitch drew me in with it's unusual style and unique language. coupled with the tragic confusion of Cal and his prey, i think it has the makings of a fantastic book. can't wait to read more! Best of luck,
-April Archer

I just backed "Fidelity". Looks like a great read! Good Luck with it! Wayne

Hi Benjamin
I have tried to read your book but I find the use of first person present tense does not work for me in this case.
Although I am in favor of short sentences I think as the pace is so slow in the opening chapter there is nowhere to go when it heats up. I have no doubt that this is a good attempt at literary fiction but not for me. I'll back it for the imagery but cannot in fairness to my own taste put it on my bookshelf . I wish you good luck with it anyway.

Hi Benjamin
I have tried to read your book but I find the use of first person present tense does not work for me in this case.
Although I am in favor of short sentences I think as the pace is so slow in the opening chapter there is nowhere to go when it heats up. I have no doubt that this is a good attempt at literary fiction but not for me. I'll back it for the imagery but cannot in fairness to my own taste put it on my bookshelf . I wish you good luck with it anyway.

Hi Ben. I am sure I commented and backed your book several days a go [in fact one of my first]. But I know I have had problems in send/loading messages. If it did not get to you , I will sent/reback.
Best wishes. Jerry [paperbat]

Benjamin-You're writing has a very interesting and tense style, yet very descriptive. Short sentences, I like that. There were times in my read of the first two chapters that I thought perhaps the elk was tracking the human. This fellow seems to have some real animal-hunter insticts. I'm happy to back your writing.

N.C. Beardsley - Mine is the Kingdom

Wow, great writing! I have no experience with hunting, but your book makes me feel like I'm right there, walking alongside your character.

I put this on my WL some time back and meant to back it then but somehow it got lost in amongst the frenzy of this site....sorry, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, it's well written and a gripping story. Good luck with it! Katherine Strata

Do you let your kids read this? I hope so. Kids today would be much more interested in reading if every story opened with a spectacular pair of breasts. Anyway, great writing. I liked the use of present tense instead of past tense. It kind of adds to the tension, you know? Am I making sense? Probably not. Anyway, I'll have to read more later. Watchlisted.

You are persistent - I'll give you that and I guess you don't so high in this pecking order without keeping careful records. Well you did ask ... so here goes. You can clearly write but I find the style a little self-conscious. Especially at the start I wanted more context and less description. Your turns of phrase are often skilful and even innovative, but (for me) I like a more direct style - probably because I am an expert on children's and not adult literature. My own style has been criticised for being too direct so of course my opinion on the matter should be clearly taken with a grain of salt ... as it often is.
Good luck anyway(genuinely) - you deserve the editor's desk for determination alone.
Cheers
Paul M.

Writing flows well and the characters are complex enough. Happy to back this one.
Kevin

I read the first 8 chapters and had to put it down. The writing is remarkable, breathtaking. It draws you in to the moment. But there is no relief from the tension. I felt I couldn't take a breath. I will certainly back this book, it deserves to be published.
Ann Marie
The White Lady of Oystermouth
Flight of the Kestrel 1 - Intruders

The pitch didn't really reel me in to be honest - it doesn't really descirbe to me what the story is about.
That aside, I enjoy the story all the same, despite be a 'townie'. Enjoyable read and very well written.

Benjamin, I'm only up to Chapter 3. I do like your writing style, refreshing in a way. I so rarely find books written from a male's perspective with such passion for details. Really good.
I'm part-vegetarian so you can understand my "dislike" to what I have read up until now. Even if the story is not high on my interests list the writing -as I've said- is really good. Keep of the good work and I wish you the best of luck to you and Fidelity.

First line confused me a little - "track" in the singular suggested the verb to me and so the sentence didn't make sense. Don't know which is more accepted and UK may be different than US, but you use "tracks" later on. You might want to check it out. Eight inches of snow, but it's all melted and yet by the last para of chapter 1 we have snow again? I'm confused. But then I am nit-picking to be fair - it's a well-written piece and while it's a touch too literary for my tastes, I can see where you are going and I liked what I read.