The Light on the River

The light on the river

[return backing ☼☼☼☼ shelved 26/11]

The opening is good, Frank is injured, but we don’t know how or why or by whom, and we want to know. Good initial hook. Actually here’s a disappointment, we don’t actually get to know the “how” part. Noticed someone else has commented that the description of what happens is a bit inconsistent as well. Anyhow, it’s a rollicking tale, and a good plot to boot. I particularly liked the way they found out who had raped Dawn. There’s quite a lot of tell and not much show. Also I found it a bit “mannered”. I was disappointed that we didn’t get any of the “saga involving two families, one black and one white in Arkansas” promised in the pitch. What’s in the first chapter seemed to be a short story in and of itself. Going back to the pitch I see it’s the mystical element, the soul of Dawn’s mother looking out for her family and now I understand. This is the establishing myth. SO why not make it just that, told by your characters to each other as your main story unfolds? This I think would be a better approach. If I had picked the book up on the basis of the blurb on the back, I would have been a bit disappointed and probably put it right back down again. The material is rich enough to milk into a series…..?
One nit, in the sentence beginning: “The affect this beautiful creature was having on him…” you need “effect”. The verb is “to affect” and the “effect” is a noun. Thanks for your comment on Bokassa’s Last Apostle and for backing my book.

Eunice I have backed The Light on the River - and am amazed at the feedback below mine - enjoyed the chapters I dipped into, you can write so keep on doing what you are doing! Well done Balepy (Freckles the Fawn)

I suspect I am looking at a genre of which I understand nothing. You must be following the conventions of the genre, but they left me more than a little baffled. So, please take these notes in that spirit. I may be completely missing the point. (And do feel free to laugh as I make a fool of myself.)

You don't hang about, do you? Straight into the action. Brave. Works in this instance and hooks the reader.

Something keeps nagging me at the back of my mind about the mechanics of Frank's situation at the beginning. He has a pain at the back of his head and something trickling down his forehead. My mind connects the two automatically and tries to work out how the blood has travelled that path from the back of his head. Is he lying face down? Then how could anyone splash water on his face?
Unless there is some profound significance to where he was hit and how he was lying, I would try to simplify things in order to avoid any distraction of the sort.
(You could argue that something like that is so trivial that it shouldn't matter. Trouble is, it's often trivia like this that distract us from the main story.)
Ah! I see later that there was a cut in his forehead as well. May be worth dropping that in a bit earlier?

Watch out with paragraph breaks in speech. I'm sure the line starting 'What would your father say...' is a continuation of Long Knife's speech.

Eye's of the Moon?
You mean Eyes, by any chance? Probably not a good typo to drop right at beginning of your text.

The flashback transition left me confused. Frank's mind conjures up the memory of how all this started a couple of days ago, but then we're thrown straight into an earlier past spanning much of Frank's career. Do we need all that at this point? It feels more like a moment-before-death cliche of his own life reeling past his eyes.

Eek. In fact, we have also discovered a potted history of Ed and Eyes Of The Moon and others, too. And only in a few paragraphs. This is probably ok for people who can cope with conversations like, 'Janet. You know Janet? She was Bill's fiancee, but when Bill left for Ada, she then hooked up with Derek. No? Of course you know her. She was at Alison's do last year. You know, curly hair, and that sequin handbag everybody said was...' In my case, it's a matter of back-and-forthing through the text, trying to commit all these names and connections to mind. Headache time. Sorry.

And only then do we get to two days ago.

It's at this point that I realise I will never do justice to the manuscript. The genre is too far outside anything I read. I am truly out of my depth here.
I swear I shall never sneer at Chick Lit again. I never knew it was this involved.

Best regards.
Huseyin
All Things Noble

I took notes as I read. I'll post them here to give you my reaction to your story.

The opening sentence is as good a hook as I've read.

Then straight into the action. Although I have a couple concerns about this opening scene I'll voice in your messages.

You language is effective, consice and precise.

By the time I get to 1902, I feel anchored in the voice and genre. Reminicant of a number of early 20th century authors. There are even romantic elements of the 19th century canon here.

The plot just kept devilvering. Good pacing. Frank is fully human by the end ofthe chapter. And the central plot and tension is established.

Great plot, and a sinister beginning to your novel. Tension filled throughout. I enjoyed the dialogue, but didn't really get a feel for the setting. There's not quite enough in there for me to conjure it in my mind...probably just me.

I like where this is going. Promises to be a captivating read! Many stars.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

I hope to heck i worked those stars right...I put 5, but it was choppy, Halsgal again

I was drawn to your title, I backed your book, but now it seems it meant nothing. So I am going to back you again as a great book with great "pickture" words and real talent. I think they will allow new backing as they have knocked out our previous backings. I will keep you for the rest of the month or as long as it takes to make it count. Good Luck

You obviously have talent as a writer and I like the idea of this book. Your premise is interesting and while not the style of book I would normally read, I found this tale compelling enpough to keep me reading.

Lots of luck with your book, or should I say books as you have written so many :o)

Jo G

I'd say you have no problem making the shift from biography to fiction. It's a grabber, action, lust, good transition to the flashback to show Frank's background. Well done.

Backed with pleasure after Chapter Two. Might come back for more.
In the meantime, you mayt be interested to know, there is a legend about seven brothers in Sarajevo. After their violent death the light appeared above their graves. Their burial place is now considered holy and peoples of Bosnia go there sometimes to seek solace and spiritual guidance.
Cheers, M
- Weekend Chimney Sweep or Happy New Year
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

The story line is compelling, and I love the time period in which your novel is set. I did wish I could stay more in Frank's head as he contemplates taking off to find his baby daughter. There were several characters introduced early on just as we are getting to know the MC and his dying lover. I found myself trying to keep everyone straight early on, since I didn't yet have a strong feel for Frank and Dawn, even though I found them to be well developed characters. This could be personal preference and a reading problem on my part. I find it intriguing when you say that you wished to see if you could write a novel. I think you've succeeded in wheting our appetites for the characters. I wonder if Frank will find his daughter. I also think your pitch is great.

Memphisgirl
Ashes By Now

You do have an upload problem whch is somewhat distracting but easily fixed. Storywise this has a raw frontier feel to it. My only thought would be to divide it into much smaller chapters so that it ecomes more of a page turner. :)

Hello Eunice
Your pitch was good enough to draw me to read your first chapter. The story idea is great but, something must have happened when your uploaded the book because the sentences broke off and went off to begin somewhere further down. I am only a reader Eunice, and definitely not a writer. So please don't take any personal offense but you begin with a Indian attack and carry on to introduce so many charactors that I am losing it -the story. All in the first chapter! I am not you, but as a reader or even part of the prologue you could decribe the "attack" make me feel the terror, the smell of his skin, is he tall, what do the eyes of the attacker look like? Is the gag tight? What kind of gag? where is this taking place -geographically? A story is like playing house. Set the scene and then bring people into it or decribe the situation like the attack with intensity so, that I want to turn to the next chapter. Kind of like that............like I said I am no writer but, i read alot of books. my partner Craig Ellis "The Sun and The Saber" on this site introduced me a few weeks ago to Authonomy. It is fantastic. I love to find books such as your. Why not give Craig's book a whirl and because I know you have great potential i will get him to back your back. I don't mess with his account from which I working on.
Keep at it, Eunice. You have it going on.
Vi

Hello Eunice
Your pitch was good enough to draw me to read your first chapter. The story idea is great but, something must have happened when your uploaded the book because the sentences broke off and went off to begin somewhere further down. I am only a reader Eunice, and definitely not a writer. So please don't take any personal offense but you begin with a Indian attack and carry on to introduce so many charactors that I am losing it -the story. All in the first chapter! I am not you, but as a reader or even part of the prologue you could decribe the "attack" make me feel the terror, the smell of his skin, is he tall, what do the eyes of the attacker look like? Is the gag tight? What kind of gag? where is this taking place -geographically? A story is like playing house. Set the scene and then bring people into it or decribe the situation like the attack with intensity so, that I want to turn to the next chapter. Kind of like that............like I said I am no writer but, i read alot of books. my partner Craig Ellis "The Sun and The Saber" on this site introduced me a few weeks ago to Authonomy. It is fantastic. I love to find books such as your. Why not give Craig's book a whirl and because I know you have great potential i will get him to back your back. I don't mess with his account from which I working on.
Keep at it, Eunice. You have going on.
Vi

The light on the river
A very interesting story
Backed
Lenny Harry
(Like a dot on the horizon)

Hi Eunice
A well developing story intertwined with some interesting cultural insights. Your descriptive writing skills are really up there with the best and you create some wonderful atmospheric scenes. I can tell a lot of research and hard work has gone into this.
DP Walker
Five Dares

The Light on the River

Eunice Attwood

Eunice,
You say that this is yyour first attempt at writing a novel, to see if you could, well, I believe strongly you can, and indeed you have! This is wonderful. I loved your title immediately, and your storyline seems very original. You cover some interesting themes and deal with many emotional issues including incest, love and murder - but why am I not surprised that you incorporate a mystical twist?! Guess your first book on the site was slightly influential in my belief that this might contain just that. Sad Dawn passing away. The familial aspects are very engaging and once I have more time to spare, I would love to return to read more. All the best with this and a huge pleasure to have backed you.

I have just added your book to my watchlist. Thanks for backing mine. I promise to take a look at yours later.
Eunice

Thank you Neville for backing my book. I really appreciate it as I am new to the site and feel a little overwhelmed right now at all the books there are to read. I think it will be years to get through them all.
Cheers Eunice

I find this to be a great read and have backed it.
Will come back again to read more - compelling.
SHELVED.


Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest)

There's a heck of a lot of depth to this piece. That alone is worth recognition. It is not a basic skim, but a well thought-out and realised piece, easily engaging and enjoyable. You seem to have a good grasp of the technical facets of writing, and I think my only suggestion might be to mix your sentence strcuture a little. Right now you have a lot of single clause pieces, which is great for tension, but can make calmer scenes seem a bit fragmented.

Best of luck, and in the meantime I have backed this with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Dear Eunice,
what can I say I have backed you before and it would seem that I was correct in believing you were a seasoned writer, prolific work. This again is a book worth reading and backing.
BACKED for sure by me
I do hope you can cross over to my genre and review my book, please comment ( this assists me in honing my skill) and if you feel, back it.
Thanks and BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR BOOK
Denise
The Letter

Dear Eunice, Well, here I am backing your 5 book - will miracles never cease. :) I love that you've taken the time to go back in history & show a side I've never seen in a place I've never been - I've lived in California my whole 70 years. :) What a story! Well written! :) You're a natural. :) You have some similarities in your story as mine, as you'll see in my memoirs - hope you'll back both books. :) Love, Susie :)

Hi. You have a great story to tell and I want to hear it. That kept me reading throughout the first chapter and I still wanted more. Personally I find your style a little too staccato. I would love more adjectives in your prose and slightly longer sentences to make it sound more lyrical I hope you don't find this offensive. I've only been on this site a few days, but am beginning to realise that the chances of getting to the top, and hence onto the editor's desk, are minimal. The beauty of Authonomy is in the constructive feedback you can get from fellow readers that can help you to grow as a writer (not the "Oh your book is so wonderful - I'll back you if you back me" that you'll get a lot of in the next few days). All the best. Alex Gorringe (Morpheus and the Dream Stone)