The Emerald Serpents

Your pitch brought me in. I have backed this and will give it a read, crit, and rating later tonight.

Linda Nelson
Aaron & Keja
Lunar Magic

Harry,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The jewel of the narrative however is the lyricism you inject into the narrative.
My guess is that you are Irish or Scottish.
Why?
Because this kind of lyricism is...well Irish/Scottish...lol

The dialogue is also adorable, for it has that wonder...

.....the feeling that every moment is felt for the first time.

.....then the descriptions also fit into that frame.

For ex: "Look at the clouds....." that entire paragraph has the wonder we associate.....

..... not with children per se....

......but with children that have a poetical imagination...for

......there is a difference....

.......and that is what makes reading you....

....a delight


Some Minor/Minormost points:

"really affected" "added venom"
I would cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

Wow! Very good opening chapter! We get into Laurie's vp right away, and secondary characters are also well painted. You tell a good story! Half the battle: getting readers to care about protags from page 1. You've done this! I'm putting this on the shelf because I see the talent here!!!

****Dude, I adore Pompeii! What a great foundation for a mystery of this type! Pompeii also particularly resinates with your target age group. They just love the tragedy and creepiness of it! (Son's a history teacher, so we work with this age group - I also help with remedial reading).

Here's my few pickies - but please know, this does not demise the overall quality of your writing. You certainly write well!

Was it his thought "that" he was smaller... He it his fault he was smaller...
Run search for nefarious "that". Most of the time, don't need it. I've had to do this, because I was overuse in first drafts...

Passive voice, get rid of "was" when practical. (its not always, and sometimes passive voice is good. When something's happening beyond protag's control, so bad or wonderful it takes on surreal quality, etc. Try to turn sentence around and replace passive was and "ing" endings with strong action verbs.
Examples:
Laurie was really paying attention now... Laurie really paid attention now... Laurie sat up straighter and took note...

eliminate unnecessary verbiage:
But "as" soon as his mood.... But, soon as his mood...

Watch using too many qualifiers - such as really, etc. This is another thing I've had to run word searches for. Not saying eliminate all - some of this adds to character, getting us into the protag's particular thought and speech patterns, etc.

Passive, don't need "that" and wordier than needs be: The silence that followed was absolute... Absolute silence followed...

***Please note: I am the queen of this type of thing, and get red pen from my editors all the time on this sort of thing, so please don't think I'm being uppity. I just trying to save you a lot of work I've had to go to for salability. Its hard to weed out in one's own work - especially with us "very precise and detail-oriented types : ) I can tell you pay great attention to detail, which is a strength that brings your story to life!

Absolutely love this. It's real and funny and moving too. And mysterious as well. Good dialogue, lively, attractive characters. I'll shelve you soon. Lorri

Hi Harry - 17-0! I suffered a few of those in my schooldays. That struck a nerve!

Fine execution and a great window into history through the time-travel element. The tone and style is accessible to youngsters but never talks down to them. I liked the interplay between brother and sister and the dialogue was spot on. Excellent work

P

Harry -

The Emerald Serpents - I like the tone of this a lot. A good tension develops between Laurie and his sister Gertie, Laurie's new Italian friend and the mean bully, Patrick who throws about confidential knowledge to hurt, like leaking banking information, autsch. The writing chimes with authentic dialogue, which makes it easy to get absorbed in the narrative. The story has several important themes that will appeal to children, including history. I came here because you're supporting my book, CoM, and was surprised how much I enjoyed the read. I'll come back for more. Well-rated for now. Best Success, Pia

You created sympathy for Laurie from the first paragraph. I enjoyed the first chapter. In the second, I liked the way Laurie handles the language thing with Francesca, the little stones/pebbles--a subtle moral lesson without breaking your stride. Vivid and engaging. I feel confident rating this with 6 stars.
Cheers!
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

I find it difficult to judge children's fiction, but your book has a lively beginning with vivid charcters quickly sketched and some hooks to draw on the reader. If you've been published once, you should be able to pull it off again.

Good luck.

Jim

Am intriguing and complex plot filled with lively colourful characters.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Hi Harry, this is a wonderful story and idea. The first chapter is loaded with delightful characters yet it doesn't feel crowded which is not easy to achieve. The character's names are great! Starred and watch-listed and backed when space becomes available. Lovely, charming read. k x

An excellent mix of adventure and history told with pace and charm. I could see all the elements that appeal to the intelligent young reader and characters they can identify with.
I found the history very pleasing as well.
My only nitpick was the over use of the word "that", but its any easy edit.
Very well done.

I really love what you have done with this. It and you have grown tremendously. Leila Lee The other comments have nailed it.

On a preliminary level, love your cover, your title and pitch. All come across as an entirely professional effort. And the writing didn't disappoint either. It's not often that I see a question as the first sentence of a book and it worked so well here because instantly, we were in Laurie's mind and immersed in his world. Wonderful narrator voice, definitely not a dumbed-down children's book, which I really appreciate. Great storyline, really just everything so well done in this. Imaginative and extremely well-written.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

This has the classic tones of Oz, Narnia, the Goonies and Willy Wonka with the kids battling not only history but the horrible threat of bailiffs, love this from the pitch alone but read on and what wonderful imagery and again a classic element, grandad has a time machine in his basememnt, the possible saviour to beat the bailiffs(which by the way grounds this in reality) This will appeal to young and old alike as it is an old fashioned adventure updated with a 21st century voice. Super

You have written a most compelling story and your use of imagery is excellent. Your character development of Laurie and Gertie is well done. All of this coupled with your imaginative writing is sure to appeal to the children's audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Thanks so much Denise...I'm just back from holiday and will return the favour by reading your material asap...thanks again...Harry

Dear Harry
I just love this book cover and also such a well crafted long pitch...What a good book. I started reading this some time ago and just wanted to let you know, now finished. I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

Hello, and thanks for reading my book. Not sure I understand your question regarding pov change. Gertie's description is at the very beginning of the chapter, and in a separate paragraph. Francesca questioning her father's reason for leaving Italy is at the very end of the chapter; the two are not really related, other than they are in the same chapter. Maybe I'm missing something...? If you read the chapter from beginning to end it should make sense...

Dear Harry,
Yes yes yes, great book cover great pitch great read. What else can I say. You have crafted a good seller here, I found the flow so easy and the characters soooo real they are still dancing their story in my head. I have not finished this book but nor have you, and I look forward to more being put on site. By the way who did your book cover?
BACKED for sure by me
I do hope you can cross over to my genre and review my book, please comment ( this assists me in honing my skill) and if you feel, back it.
Thanks and BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR BOOK
Denise
The Letter

Dear Harry, I love that you have a series coming of the twin boy time traveling - I have a twin brother. :) Terminator was my favorite tv series & it's now cancelled, so you can bring me more time travel. :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :) Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
backed :)
Love, Susie :)

I agree about the POV change, it does seem a little abrupt. You can get over it by having a bigger space when it changes or just stick with one POV per chapter. Also, it is not necessary to put a comma before 'and' and 'but' except when you have a previous subclause etc.
Nevertheless, this is an amiable read for youngsters with an assortment of characters they can easily relate to.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Great fun! My only query - Ch 1, 2nd part, you start in Gertie's POV ('Still, she didn't much care what anyone thought of her freckles...' and end in Francesca's (She was lost for words... was this true? etc. ) Oh and isn't it a bit cute to have their surname Timely - given the time machine? Loved the dog Britney's name. Backed.